Funny 115 - The Third One
Don't Ever Negotiate With Jeff Probst
San Juan Del Sur - episodes 1-6
Throughout the history of Survivor, there have been
several tribes over the years that might be described as
Such as the Rotu Tribe from Marquesas, who probably would
have won every single immunity if they hadn't been nailed by a twist
Or the Tandang tribe, whose members never actually went
to Tribal Council prior to the merge
Or the Koror tribe, who were so good that they even overcame
the handicap of having Willard
three of these tribes were exceptionally good, and exceptionally
dominant. And all three of them rarely, if ever, lost a
challenge. Which technically puts them in the same category
the subject of today's entry, the fearsome Hunahpu tribe from Survivor:
San Juan Del Sur.
you remember much about the Hunahpus? I dunno.
Maybe you do
and maybe you don't. It's not like San Juan Del Sur has ever
all that popular a season.
If you don't remember much about
SJDS, all you need to know as a backstory for this entry is this.
Hunahpu came charging out of the starting gate like few
Survivor have ever done. They completely DOMINATED the poor
Coyopas for the first few days of the game. To the point that
Jeff was openly calling them one of the most dominant tribes in the
history of the show. Which is pretty incredible considering
tribe had neither Cochran, Boston Rob, nor Parvati, and those are
usually the only three he likes to openly gush about.
anyway, Hunahpu came blazing out of the gate like few tribes
Survivor ever have, and by the second episode Probst was already
calling them one of the most dominant tribes in the history of the
Winner winner double portion rice dinner
some stuff happened in the middle there... and by the sixth
episode he was openly mocking them and calling them the most
pathetic tribe in twenty-nine seasons of Survivor.
"No tribe, in the HISTORY of the show, has ever needed more
help than you guys
this, of course, leads to the question. WHAT exactly happened
between the second episode and the sixth episode of SJDS to get Probst
to start mocking the Hunahpus like that? Why did he start
such an incredible dick to this tribe that was pretty much dominating
everything and that he should have been celebrating?
Your tears, Hunahpu. I love them. They're so salty
Well, hey, thanks for asking. Because it's time to get into
is a little entry I like to call, "Don't ever, ever, EVER negotiate
with Jeff Probst. Because he is just going to destroy
Alternately, you could also call this entry, "The Art of No Deal."
by Sun Drew
Here we go.
HOW TO GET JEFF PROBST TO MAKE
FUN OF YOU
In six easy episodes
episode one of San Juan Del Sur. It's Blood vs Water, Part 2.
And here comes the tribe that is just going to steamroll
The Hunahpus are big. They're bad. They (not just
Drew) are basically just a bunch of badasses.
And they prove it in the opening moments of the
season by winning their first challenge.
And winning flint
"Right now you have fire, and you have a bag of beans.
Fire and food, two of the
ESSENTIALS in this game."
"That immediately gives you a headstart over your opponents,
And with that, Hunahpu has started their march towards their legacy of
So Hunahpu heads back to camp.
And they start building stuff.
And they basically just get shit done.
You know, like every well-oiled machine is supposed to do for the first
couple of episodes.
They also chow down and probably eat at least half of their 39-day bag
But... uh... we'll get back to the rice more a little bit
now, all you have to know about Hunahpu is that they are well fed,
they are capable, they work together well as a
team, they win challenges, and they continue to be very well
Like baby birds, just waiting for a worm
the end of the first episode, the Hunahpus roll their
double-portion-eating fat asses into the immunity challenge, and of
course they walk all over the Coyopas. Because Hunahpu rules,
because Coyopa sucks, and because that's what you do.
Hunahpu wins! Hunahpu prevents their opponents from winning
the end of the first episode, the Hunahpus are not just winning this
game over their loved ones. They are already miles ahead.
The face of victory
Well then we get to the second episode.
FUCK! We lost the flint!
oh. It's only the fourth day of the game.
And the Hunahpus have finally developed the
first chink in their armor.
They lost their ability to make fire
fire, they don't have the ability to stay warm anymore. And
don't have the capability to boil water. And, most
now they won't be able to shove handfuls of cooked rice down their
like fat kids at a donut buffet. And without the
ability to be fat kids deep throating crullers at a donut buffet, what
really is the point of Survivor, anyway?
I mean, right, Kelley?
"Losing that is NOT good."
Keith even pipes in with his sage wisdom on the matter.
Okay, so Hunahpu has lost their ability to
start fire. And with
that, we head into the episode two reward challenge.
"Today you guys are playing for a massive amount of fishing
Yay! Fishing gear! Now we'll be able to
catch and eat more food!
"This can change your world."
So the challenge starts.
And naturally, Hunahpu wins. Again, because they're Hunahpu.
And because that's what they do.
Even Jeff is impressed at how well this plucky little tribe of weirdos
has been able to do. They haven't lost a single challenge yet.
(admiringly) "Hunahpu. the winning streak
So Hunahpu wins the fishing gear, and they continue to twist the knife
into their loved ones over on Coyopa.
And this is when it starts to fall apart on the mighty mighty machine
that is Hunahpu.
"We have kind of a... not traditional... situation that we'd
propose to you."
"Um... our tribe seems to have... uh... misplaced our flint."
"And, uh... so, uh, we were wondering if we could
barter with you and..."
"Take the fishing equipment, but trade you our beans for our
And, with that, let the staredown commence.
Finally, after an awkward little display of Survivor poker faces,
Probst opens his mouth 'cause shit's about to get real.
"First, let me understand the situation."
"So the tribe with two firemen, Keith and Jeremy..."
"You've lost it."
"It's gone, Jeff."
"So you wanna make a trade."
"But you wanna keep the fishing gear..."
"And you wanna trade the beans."
Note: For those of you who are scoring along at home, here
comes one of the all time most majestic Jeff Probst Dick MomentsTM.
"Walk me through this from a negotiation standpoint."
the ones who need to make the deal."
life is fine."
"So you come in... survey the scene... see what the reward
"And then offer me the thing of least value."
"Probably a half a bag of beans at this point. I'm
Kelley: "Jeff, if you don't ask, then you don't
I love this part the most. Jeff just ignores her and he talks
right over her.
"A better negotiation would have been to walk in at the top
"And say, "Can we trade our beans straight up?"
"'Cause what you did is you came in to see if you would win."
"And then leverage that."
"And that doesn't work on Survivor."
"And also, fuck you."
Okay, Jeff didn't actually say that last part. But he might
as well have. That's basically what he is saying
After Jeff's incredibly bitchy smackdown of Reed and his offer, at this
point he decides he is going to be a little bit nicer. So he
softens his tone.
"I got one offer for you, if you wanna make it."
"You can lick my sack. And then you can rim my
Sorry, no. That's a paraphrase. What he really says
"You give up all this fishing gear for a new
What? Fishing gear for flint? No way!
But what about fish? What about eating?!
And here comes Probst with another great Dick MomentTM.
"Now that I know you don't have a flint..."
"When it rains... and it WILL... and your fire goes out.
now you need to make a trade?"
"The payment will be... MUCH... tougher."
"So this is your opportunity now to seize it if you want it."
"Because I promise you. To get a flint later will
more than fishing gear."
"So what's the decision?"
In the end, they decide they need guaranteed fire more than
they need the fishing gear. So Kelley tucks her tail between
legs and she humbly requests the flint.
Yes please. And thank you.
"Good. We'll have a new flint waiting for you back
And with that, the first big showdown of the game is
over. And the score reads Jeff Probst the host of Survivor,
And it went down right in front of the other tribe,
Okay, it's now episode three.
The Hunahpus might have been slapped around by their leather daddy at
the last reward challenge, but they still haven't lost a challenge.
Technically, they are still dominating this game.
But all that is about to change
Because this is where the Coyopas finally win
their first challenge.
"Coyopa! Wins reward!"
And look at that. Coyopa just won the
fishing gear that Hunahpu cleverly negotiated away in the last episode.
No Hunahpu, you can't have a pony
Well this sucks. They took our jobs.
I hope you guys all #SurroundAndDrown
Okay, so now we're in episode four. This storyline is about
to get a lot of fun.
It's the morning of day nine on Hunahpu.
Natalie is sitting around the fire, in between her third and fourth
daily mega-helping of rice.
And as she moves her feet in the sand, she accidentally digs
up something she thought they had lost.
"Oh my god!"
What is it? Is it time for more rice?
Natalie picks up the thing she found in the sand. And, sure
"It was just right here."
The tribe reacts with glee. It turns out they never actually
lost their flint at all. Jon's dumb ass probably just dropped
it in the sand.
And with that, now the Hunahpus are in a bit of a bind. Now
they have two flints, and they really only need one. Which
sucks, because they really could have used that fishing gear that they
negotiated for traded away for a handful of magic
beans the other day.
Drew is pissed that now they have an extra flint they don't
Drew then sits down to tell us how angry this
makes him. How the
Coyopas have that fishing gear now that should have been rightfully his.
"The other day we lost our flint."
"And we had to forfeit our fishing gear we won to get a new
"And it really aggravated me."
You see, Drew isn't just some pretty boy eye candy, like his brother
Alec. He is actually a tremendous fisherman in real life.
And we know that because he is about to tell us all about it
the next ten or fifteen minutes.
The Old Man and the Sea, that was basically about me.
Only I'm not old.
just sits there and starts harping on the fact that the Hunahpus got
robbed of their fishing gear. And how they deserve to get it
back. And how he is amazing at fishing.
Here he explains how he actually fished Coach out of his
kayak once, using nothing but a dip net
Oh god, just shut this guy up already
And now we get the moment that you knew was coming.
Where Drew gets his idea.
His plan is to get that gear back for the Hunahpus
"We can do it. We can barter with him."
Oh boy. And here we go.
Hunahpus try to reason with him. Um, you know the bartering
didn't work the last time we did it, right? Remember when
smacked us down like a bunch of little bitches?
just a couple of days ago?
"He'll laugh us out of the arena," says Reed.
"I don't care," says Drew
just like that, with the consent of approximately zero percent of his
teammates, Drew the Badass decides that he is going to attempt
negotiate. Even though he has zero leverage in the situation.
Even though there is no way in the world Probst is EVER going
give them back their fishing gear. Even though Probst
laughed at them and made fun of them and called them idiots the last
time they tried this.
But then again, as famed philosopher Sean Kenniff might have
"You know, if Probst tells us to fuck ourselves just one
more time, then maybe we'll know."
And with that, the die has been cast.
Drew volunteers as tribute.
He will be the one to renegotiate with Probst.
Mainly because he's the only leader here. And because no one
"I'm gonna balls up and be like, work with me Jeff."
"I think that's what a good leader does."
"You have to make decisions that nobody else really wants to
By the way, just for grins, what does the rest of the tribe think of
Drew's plan to get the Hunahpus back their fishing gear?
Care to expand on this, Kelley?
Sure! Love to!
(imitating Drew) "Fishing gear! Fishing gear!"
"We should have gotten the fishing gear!"
"The fishing gear is gone."
"It's not like every time you get to choose fishing gear."
Jeremy just rolls his eyes. Well this negotiation
is going to be SOMETHING, at least.
"Without me, these people would be nothin', you know?"
And with that, we go to the reward challenge.
Drew and the reluctant Hunahpus. Marching into
what eight of them know is a suicide run.
As Jeff goes over the rules of the challenge, and what they will be
competing for today, that's when the sly Brian Heidik-esque salesman
goes into his sales pitch.
"Alright. You guys ready to get to your next
"Jeff. One thing before we get goin'."
Negotiations? Again? What the fuck?
And now, I think I'll present the rest of this conversation
exactly as it played out. Enjoy.
"Nobody else on my tribe would..."
(laughing) "Wait. Do you have the flint
in your hand?"
"I'm not a part of this."
"Nobody else on my team really had the courage to bring this
up to you."
"So... we actually found our other flint."
"This is fantastic."
"Is he doing this? Is he really doing this?"
"Hey listen. This one has not been struck one
Don't you "Hey, listen" me, junior
"I was wondering if there was some reasonable trade we
"Maybe.... half the fishing gear?"
"Maybe just the mask... um... a snorkel, and a spear?"
"Just something to put some food on the table."
Done. Nailed it.
There's a nice pregnant pause here as Drew finishes his pitch.
And Probst just stands there and listens.
Then, after a long awkward pause that would make even Nathan
Fielder proud, Probst winds up.
And he responds.
"So... now... because this one is still brand new.
straight out of the box."
"You wanna make a return."
Reed (laughing): "What's your return policy, Jeff?"
Not return. Exchange."
"Well it SOUNDS reasonable."
But before Probst can go all Samuel L. Jackson on him, and
start calling him a motherfucker, Jon jumps in and ruins the suspense.
Because he knows where this conversation is headed.
Jon laughs at Probst about to lay down the hammer
(laughing) "I have a feeling you're taunting us."
"I AM taunting you!"
"Put the flint back!"
"You made the trade! The deal is over!"
Coyopa immediately bursts into applause. Although
whether they are applauding Drew for the insane ballsiness, or Probst
for telling Drew to go perform fellatio on himself, it's hard to tell.
Yay! Nice work!
"It was worth a try, guys. Nobody else had the
balls to do it."
(gleefully) "Alright. Shall we get to the reward
By the way, if there was ever a Survivor picture that said a thousand
words, it would be this one.
And hey, guess what? Despite the embarrassment,
despite Drew being a tool in front of everyone, it doesn't
the fact that Hunahpu is still dominating this game. Even
all that, they still just keep on winning.
Because Jon then wins the reward challenge for them
To which Probst points out, yet again, how they are just steamrolling
this game right now.
"Hunahpu you have dominated."
I don't get it, you guys are basically badasses
So Hunahpu takes their newly-won comfort items back to camp.
And, like usual, they go to bed at night with the sweet smell of
victory in their camp.
Mostly because Drew was able to negotiate his way right out
of the game. Later, Santiago.
Okay, we're now up to episode five.
And you'd think the
negotiations in this game would be over. I mean, the Hunahpus
have tried twice, and they have been shot down twice. If this
were a movie, wouldn't that be where the storyline would naturally
Well guess what. It's not over.
Don't forget. Hunahpu sucks. To an extent that
other Survivor tribes have never sucked.
Oh yeah, and there still is one last remaining Christy
Okay, let's wrap this bad boy up. Let's get to the final
humiliating Hunahpu negotiation.
It's episode five. And the players are about to hear
those fateful words that are going to change all of their
"Okay everyone... drop your buffs."
"We are switchin' tribes."
players are shuffled into new tribes. And just like that,
Hunahpu's strangely effective dominance in this game is now over.
The new Hunahpus
And now we get what is probably the single most humiliating moment of
The new members of Hunahpu come back to their campsite for
the first time
"Maybe this new tribe won't suck like the last one."
But Alec is sadly going to be disappointed. Because it DOES
suck. Especially when they figure out...
They have almost no rice left
"There's, like, barely two scoops."
And hey, remember when the Hunahpus were dominating the game?
Remember when they were steamrolling Coyopa in every
maybe that had something to do with the fact THAT THEY WERE EATING
DOUBLE PORTIONS OF RICE AND THEY DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT RATIONING.
Maybe that had something to do with why Hunahpu was
one of the strongest tribes in the history of Survivor for a while.
It's because they ate thirty-nine days of rice in less than two weeks.
Wes when he realizes they're all fucked now
Here, we can all split this
The new members of Hunahpu panic once they realize the situation that
the original members of Hunahpu have put them in.
No matter how mentally prepared they are to play this game, they are
all going to starve to death.
"Yeah, we just forgot about rationing."
You know we're going to die, right?
And with that, let the death spiral of Hunahpu's one last
remaining shred of dignity slowly begin.
"We have three days of food left. And then what?"
As episode five creeps slowly along, the new Hunahpus eventually run
out of food. Which sometimes happens when you have been
around and dancing naked in your food instead of properly rationing it.
Everyone is lethargic
And this is where... well.... if you have read this entry up to this
point, you can probably guess where we're going.
"I wonder what we're gonna do to get more food"
"It's not gonna be goo-ooo-ood."
At one point they even debate eating the vultures.
And this is where we get the Christy brother moment you knew
Et tu, Little Alec?
"We might have to trade a reward for more rice, guys."
And here we go again.
Don't say that. Don't you EVER say that.
"Whatever we gotta do, right?"
And here we go on the merry-go-round again.
For Reed, it's the third time around!
So we get to the episode five immunity challenge.
As Hunahpu walks by what could potentially be their one last
remaining food source
And there's Probst.
And he looks like he is ready to deal.
Hi Hunahpu. Boy you guys look tired.
Anything to offer me today?
I desire a bundt cake. Might you offer me a bundt
tries their best. And somehow, despite having no food in
they actually manage to win. Although that really shouldn't
surprise to anyone. Hunahpu ALWAYS wins.
"Hunahpu! Wins immunity!"
Jeff even points out how they continue to dominate.
"It does not matter who's on the tribe. The
And now... finally... we come to the moment of reckoning.
Where Hunahpu finally pays the price for the fact that they
ate like fat pigs.
"Jeff, when you get a sec, we'd like to talk to you please"
Jeff doesn't have to be a dick here. I mean, he doesn't HAVE
to. But he still does anyway. Because why not?
"Sure. I got time."
(excitedly) "Another conversation!"
"This is gonna be good!"
goes on to explain that they have no food, and that Missy sucks, and
that Baylor sucks, and that they are probably going to die in the next
twenty four hours because nobody has any food.
And then come the words that you know had Probst just crapping his
"We're, uh, lookin' to make a trade for a bag of rice
to sustain us.
Yes. That is now the THIRD Hunahpu reward
Jeff could actually be a much bigger asshole here (like he was
the first two
times), but for some reason he decides to leave them some dignity
and show a little compassion. So instead of going out of his
to humiliate them, he just lays down the law and tells it how it is
be. And it's not going to be pretty.
"You could argue, that extra rice is why Hunahpu did so well
in the challenges."
"And you guys, now, have to pay that invoice."
"That invoice will be steep."
Aw, crap. Thanks Hunahpu.
"I'll see you tomorrow and we'll figure it out."
And now, finally, in episode six... it's time for the Hunahpus to pay
For something most of them didn't even do in the first place.
The riceman cometh
By the way, if you're a fan of sneaky little editor jokes,
watch this scene and watch how they intersperse shots of a
vulture or another black bird of prey in with shots of Jeff Probst.
It's not very subtle.
Hunahpu, here comes your worst nightmare
Quoth the raven, "camp no more!"
Alec sees him coming and it's all over but the shouting
So you guys want to negotiate? Right?
And here comes Probst with his demands on what they are going to have
to give up.
Actually, no. First, let's berate them a little bit.
Because lord knows we haven't squeezed enough blood out of
this particular stone at this point.
Jeremy, you suck. And Reed, you're the worst.
And Wes, put the fucking tongue away, it's gross.
You guys are weak. And when motherfuckers get
scared, that's when motherfuckers get shot.
Finally, he wraps up his little insult fest. By taking one
last dig at how pathetic "the most dominant tribe in recent Survivor
history" really is.
Reed: "There were too many cooks in the kitchen.
And they all wanted
to use too much rice."
"Sounds like there were too many PATRONS in the kitchen!"
"No tribe, in the HISTORY of the show, has ever needed more
"And only fourteen days in!"
And with that, comes his final demands. This is how the
negotiations are going to go this time.
They can take it or leave it.
"For this rice, here's what I want."
"I want your tarp. Your hammock. Your
bedroll, pillows, and blankets."
"Everything you won in the comfort reward, it's mine."
"I also want your hatchet, your hammer. One of the
pots. The extra flint."
I want Julie's fake tits. I
want all of Wes's chicken nuggets. I
want the naming rights to Jeremy's kid.
Natalie, I want you to get me on the Amazing Race.
And Reed and Josh, I don't want anything from you.
I just want you both to shut the fuck up.
"You will be starting over
And just like that, that's the end of the dominance of
Hunahpu. No more will they be the dominant tribe of San Juan
Del Sur. No more will they be stuffing
their faces with double the rations of the hapless Coyopas.
No more will they be initiating negotiations based on a
reward they might want over the other one. It's over.
All of it.
And just to rub the salt in the wound a little deeper, then Jeff
is reunited with this.
"Hey look. The infamous extra flint."
And with that, it's over.
Hasta la vista, Hunahpu.
Oh yeah, with one last little Jeff Probst Dick Moment TM just to finish it off.
"Good luck guys. Let's hope it doesn't rain."
And just like that, like Keyser Soze, he's gone.
And that, more than anything, is why you don't negotiate with Jeff Probst.
P.S. Wait, you have a comment about this entry, Mister President? Well go right ahead.
** Special thanks to Ryan
the Pennywise/FUBC picture. And to Leann Lindsley and Bailey
for the "Art of No Deal by Sun Drew" idea.
And to Mike Whittaker and John Simons for the last two pictures of the entry. **