The Funny 115 - The Third One





#61. Don't Ever Negotiate With Jeff Probst
San Juan Del Sur - episodes 1-6



Throughout the history of Survivor, there have been several tribes over the years that might be described as "exceptionally dominant."  

Such as the Rotu Tribe from Marquesas, who probably would have won every single immunity if they hadn't been nailed by a twist

Or the Tandang tribe, whose members never actually went to Tribal Council prior to the merge

Or the Koror tribe, who were so good that they even overcame the handicap of having Willard




All three of these tribes were exceptionally good, and exceptionally dominant.  And all three of them rarely, if ever, lost a challenge.  Which technically puts them in the same category as the subject of today's entry, the fearsome Hunahpu tribe from Survivor: San Juan Del Sur.

The Hunahpus




Do you remember much about the Hunahpus?  I dunno.  Maybe you do and maybe you don't.  It's not like San Juan Del Sur has ever been all that popular a season.

If you don't remember much about SJDS, all you need to know as a backstory for this entry is this.  Hunahpu came charging out of the starting gate like few tribes in Survivor have ever done.  They completely DOMINATED the poor Coyopas for the first few days of the game.  To the point that Jeff was openly calling them one of the most dominant tribes in the history of the show.  Which is pretty incredible considering this tribe had neither Cochran, Boston Rob, nor Parvati, and those are usually the only three he likes to openly gush about.

John Cochran




So anyway, Hunahpu came blazing out of the gate like few tribes on Survivor ever have, and by the second episode Probst was already calling them one of the most dominant tribes in the history of the show.  

Winner winner double portion rice dinner




Then... some stuff happened in the middle there... and by the sixth episode he was openly mocking them and calling them the most pathetic tribe in twenty-nine seasons of Survivor.  





"No tribe, in the HISTORY of the show, has ever needed more help than you guys!"




And this, of course, leads to the question.  WHAT exactly happened between the second episode and the sixth episode of SJDS to get Probst to start mocking the Hunahpus like that?  Why did he start being such an incredible dick to this tribe that was pretty much dominating everything and that he should have been celebrating?

Your tears, Hunahpu.  I love them. They're so salty and warm.



Well, hey, thanks for asking.  Because it's time to get into it.

This is a little entry I like to call, "Don't ever, ever, EVER negotiate with Jeff Probst.  Because he is just going to destroy you."

Alternately, you could also call this entry, "The Art of No Deal."

by Sun Drew



Here we go.
HOW TO GET JEFF PROBST TO MAKE FUN OF YOU
In six easy episodes



It's episode one of San Juan Del Sur.  It's Blood vs Water, Part 2.  And here comes the tribe that is just going to steamroll everyone.

The Hunahpus




The Hunahpus are big.  They're bad.  They (not just Drew) are basically just a bunch of badasses.

And they prove it in the opening moments of the season by winning their first challenge.

 And winning flint

"Right now you have fire, and you have a bag of beans.  Fire and food, two of the ESSENTIALS in this game."

Rock on

"That immediately gives you a headstart over your opponents, the Coyopas."

The Coyopas



And with that, Hunahpu has started their march towards their legacy of dominance.




So Hunahpu heads back to camp.  

And they start building stuff.  

And they basically just get shit done.  





You know, like every well-oiled machine is supposed to do for the first couple of episodes.




They also chow down and probably eat at least half of their 39-day bag of rice.  





But... uh... we'll get back to the rice more a little bit later.

FEED ME!




For now, all you have to know about Hunahpu is that they are well fed, they are capable, they work together well as a team, they win challenges, and they continue to be very well fed.  

Like baby birds, just waiting for a worm




At the end of the first episode, the Hunahpus roll their double-portion-eating fat asses into the immunity challenge, and of course they walk all over the Coyopas.  Because Hunahpu rules, and because Coyopa sucks, and because that's what you do.

Hunahpu wins!  Hunahpu prevents their opponents from winning flint!




At the end of the first episode, the Hunahpus are not just winning this game over their loved ones.  They are already miles ahead.

The face of victory



And then...

Well then we get to the second episode.

And trouble.

FUCK!  We lost the flint!




Uh oh.  It's only the fourth day of the game.  And the Hunahpus have finally developed the first chink in their armor.

They lost their ability to make fire




Without fire, they don't have the ability to stay warm anymore.  And they don't have the capability to boil water.  And, most importantly, now they won't be able to shove handfuls of cooked rice down their gullets like fat kids at a donut buffet.  And without the ability to be fat kids deep throating crullers at a donut buffet, what really is the point of Survivor, anyway?

I mean, right, Kelley?

"Losing that is NOT good."



Damn straight.  

Keith even pipes in with his sage wisdom on the matter.








Well, fuck.

Okay, so Hunahpu has lost their ability to eat rice start fire.  And with that, we head into the episode two reward challenge.






"Today you guys are playing for a massive amount of fishing gear"






Yay!  Fishing gear!  Now we'll be able to catch and eat more food!

"This can change your world."



So the challenge starts.








And naturally, Hunahpu wins.  Again, because they're Hunahpu.  And because that's what they do.

Winners




Even Jeff is impressed at how well this plucky little tribe of weirdos has been able to do.  They haven't lost a single challenge yet.

(admiringly)  "Hunahpu. the winning streak continues!"




So Hunahpu wins the fishing gear, and they continue to twist the knife into their loved ones over on Coyopa.

Coyopa




And this is when it starts to fall apart on the mighty mighty machine that is Hunahpu.

"Um, Jeff?"

Yes?

"We have kind of a... not traditional... situation that we'd like to propose to you."






"Um... our tribe seems to have... uh... misplaced our flint."

"Oh?"

"And, uh... so, uh, we were wondering if we could potentially, um, barter with you and..."

"Take the fishing equipment, but trade you our beans for our flint."



And, with that, let the staredown commence.





























Finally, after an awkward little display of Survivor poker faces, Probst opens his mouth 'cause shit's about to get real.

"First, let me understand the situation."

"So the tribe with two firemen, Keith and Jeremy..."

"You've lost it."

"It's gone, Jeff."

"So you wanna make a trade."

Please?

"But you wanna keep the fishing gear..."

"And you wanna trade the beans."



And... yes?  

Sure?  

Maybe?





Note:  For those of you who are scoring along at home, here comes one of the all time most majestic Jeff Probst Dick MomentsTM.

"Walk me through this from a negotiation standpoint."

"You're the ones who need to make the deal."

"My life is fine."

"So you come in... survey the scene... see what the reward is..."

"And then offer me the thing of least value."






"Probably a half a bag of beans at this point.  I'm guessing."





Kelley:  "Jeff, if you don't ask, then you don't know.  So..."




I love this part the most.  Jeff just ignores her and he talks right over her.

"A better negotiation would have been to walk in at the top of the challenge..."

"And say, "Can we trade our beans straight up?"

"'Cause what you did is you came in to see if you would win."

"And then leverage that."






"And that doesn't work on Survivor."






"And also, fuck you."



Okay, Jeff didn't actually say that last part.  But he might as well have.  That's basically what he is saying here.






Shame




After Jeff's incredibly bitchy smackdown of Reed and his offer, at this point he decides he is going to be a little bit nicer.  So he softens his tone.

"I got one offer for you, if you wanna make it."

"You can lick my sack.  And then you can rim my ass."




Sorry, no.  That's a paraphrase.  What he really says is this.

"You give up all this fishing gear for a new flint."

What?  Fishing gear for flint?  No way!  

But what about fish?  What about eating?!



And here comes Probst with another great Dick MomentTM.

"Now that I know you don't have a flint..."
'

"When it rains... and it WILL... and your fire goes out.  And now you need to make a trade?"

"The payment will be... MUCH... tougher."

"So this is your opportunity now to seize it if you want it."

"Because I promise you.  To get a flint later will cost you more than fishing gear."

Um...







Ah...

"So what's the decision?"




In the end, they decide they need guaranteed fire more than they need the fishing gear.  So Kelley tucks her tail between her legs and she humbly requests the flint. 

Yes please.  And thank you.

"Good.  We'll have a new flint waiting for you back at camp."




And with that, the first big showdown of the game is over.  And the score reads Jeff Probst the host of Survivor, one.  Hunahpus, zero.

And it went down right in front of the other tribe, too

That sucked




Okay, it's now episode three.  

The Hunahpus might have been slapped around by their leather daddy at the last reward challenge, but they still haven't lost a challenge.  Technically, they are still dominating this game.

But all that is about to change




Because this is where the Coyopas finally win their first challenge.

"Coyopa! Wins reward!"

 


And look at that.  Coyopa just won the fishing gear that Hunahpu cleverly negotiated away in the last episode.

No Hunahpu, you can't have a pony

Well this sucks.  They took our jobs.

Yay!

I hope you guys all #SurroundAndDrown




Okay, so now we're in episode four.  This storyline is about to get a lot of fun.
 





It's the morning of day nine on Hunahpu.

Natalie is sitting around the fire, in between her third and fourth daily mega-helping of rice.  

And as she moves her feet in the sand, she accidentally digs up something she thought they had lost.

"Oh my god!"

What is it?  Is it time for more rice?




Natalie picks up the thing she found in the sand.  And, sure enough...






"It was just right here."




The tribe reacts with glee.  It turns out they never actually lost their flint at all.  Jon's dumb ass probably just dropped it in the sand.

Jon exalts




And with that, now the Hunahpus are in a bit of a bind.  Now they have two flints, and they really only need one.  Which sucks, because they really could have used that fishing gear that they negotiated for traded away for a handful of magic beans the other day.




Drew is pissed that now they have an extra flint they don't even need




Drew then sits down to tell us how angry this makes him.  How the Coyopas have that fishing gear now that should have been rightfully his.

"The other day we lost our flint."

"And we had to forfeit our fishing gear we won to get a new one."

"And it really aggravated me."




You see, Drew isn't just some pretty boy eye candy, like his brother Alec.  He is actually a tremendous fisherman in real life.  And we know that because he is about to tell us all about it for the next ten or fifteen minutes.  

The Old Man and the Sea, that was basically about me.  Only I'm not old.




Drew just sits there and starts harping on the fact that the Hunahpus got robbed of their fishing gear.  And how they deserve to get it back.  And how he is amazing at fishing.

Here he explains how he actually fished Coach out of his kayak once, using nothing but a dip net

Oh god, just shut this guy up already




And now we get the moment that you knew was coming.  

Where Drew gets his idea.

His plan is to get that gear back for the Hunahpus

"We can do it.  We can barter with him."

Oh boy.  And here we go.

*facepalm*




The Hunahpus try to reason with him.  Um, you know the bartering didn't work the last time we did it, right?  Remember when Probst smacked us down like a bunch of little bitches?  Wasn't that just a couple of days ago?





"He'll laugh us out of the arena," says Reed.

"I don't care," says Drew




And just like that, with the consent of approximately zero percent of his teammates, Drew the Badass decides that he is going to attempt to negotiate.  Even though he has zero leverage in the situation.  Even though there is no way in the world Probst is EVER going to give them back their fishing gear.  Even though Probst literally laughed at them and made fun of them and called them idiots the last time they tried this.

But then again, as famed philosopher Sean Kenniff might have said...

"You know, if Probst tells us to fuck ourselves just one more time, then maybe we'll know."




And with that, the die has been cast.  

Drew volunteers as tribute.  

He will be the one to renegotiate with Probst.










Mainly because he's the only leader here.  And because no one else will.

"I'm gonna balls up and be like, work with me Jeff."

"I think that's what a good leader does."

"You have to make decisions that nobody else really wants to do."




By the way, just for grins, what does the rest of the tribe think of Drew's plan to get the Hunahpus back their fishing gear?





Care to expand on this, Kelley?

Sure!  Love to!

(imitating Drew) "Fishing gear!  Fishing gear!"

"We should have gotten the fishing gear!"

"The fishing gear is gone."

"It's not like every time you get to choose fishing gear."

Jeremy just rolls his eyes.  Well this negotiation is going to be SOMETHING, at least.

"Without me, these people would be nothin', you know?"



And with that, we go to the reward challenge.





Drew and the reluctant Hunahpus.  Marching into what eight of them know is a suicide run.




As Jeff goes over the rules of the challenge, and what they will be competing for today, that's when the sly Brian Heidik-esque salesman goes into his sales pitch.

"Alright.  You guys ready to get to your next reward challenge?"

"Jeff.  One thing before we get goin'."







Negotiations?  Again?  What the fuck?



And now, I think I'll present the rest of this conversation exactly as it played out.  Enjoy.  





"Nobody else on my tribe would..."

(laughing)  "Wait.  Do you have the flint in your hand?"

"I'm not a part of this."

"Nobody else on my team really had the courage to bring this up to you."











"So... we actually found our other flint."

"This is fantastic."

"Is he doing this?  Is he really doing this?"

"Hey listen.  This one has not been struck one time."

Don't "Hey, listen" me, jagoff

"I was wondering if there was some reasonable trade we could do."

"Maybe.... half the fishing gear?"

Oh god

"Maybe just the mask... um... a snorkel, and a spear?"

"Just something to put some food on the table."

Done.  Nailed it.




There's a nice pregnant pause here as Drew finishes his pitch.  And Probst just stands there and listens.





"Right."




Then, after a long awkward pause that would make even Nathan Fielder proud, Probst winds up.  




And he responds.

"So... now... because this one is still brand new.  Basically straight out of the box."






"You wanna make a return."

Reed (laughing):  "What's your return policy, Jeff?"

"Exchange.  Not return.  Exchange."

"Well it SOUNDS reasonable."

"Exactly."

Oh god




But before Probst can go all Samuel L. Jackson on him, and start calling him a motherfucker, Jon jumps in and ruins the suspense.  Because he knows where this conversation is headed.  They all do.

Jon laughs at Probst about to lay down the hammer

(laughing)  "I have a feeling you're taunting us."

Busted

"I AM taunting you!"






"Put the flint back!"

"You made the trade!  The deal is over!"





Coyopa immediately bursts into applause.  Although whether they are applauding Drew for the insane ballsiness, or Probst for telling Drew to go perform fellatio on himself, it's hard to tell.

Yay!  Nice work!






"It was worth a try, guys.  Nobody else had the balls to do it."






(gleefully) "Alright.  Shall we get to the reward challenge then?"





"Yes, please."




By the way, if there was ever a Survivor picture that said a thousand words, it would be this one.






And hey, guess what?  Despite the embarrassment, despite Drew being a tool in front of everyone, it doesn't stop the fact that Hunahpu is still dominating this game.  Even after all that, they still just keep on winning.  

Because Jon then wins the reward challenge for them

Yay!




To which Probst points out, yet again, how they are just steamrolling this game right now.

"Hunahpu you have dominated."

I don't get it, you guys are basically badasses

Hey, thanks




So Hunahpu takes their newly-won comfort items back to camp.  





And, like usual, they go to bed at night with the sweet smell of victory in their camp.

Mostly because Drew was able to negotiate his way right out of the game.   Later, Santiago.





Okay, we're now up to episode five.  And you'd think the negotiations in this game would be over.  I mean, the Hunahpus have tried twice, and they have been shot down twice.  If this were a movie, wouldn't that be where the storyline would naturally resolve?

Well guess what.  It's not over.




Don't forget.  Hunahpu sucks.  To an extent that other Survivor tribes have never sucked.

Oh yeah, and there still is one last remaining Christy brother




Okay, let's wrap this bad boy up.  Let's get to the final humiliating Hunahpu negotiation.

It's episode five.  And the players are about to hear those fateful words that are going to change all of their lives.

"Okay everyone... drop your buffs."

"We are switchin' tribes."




The players are shuffled into new tribes.  And just like that, Hunahpu's strangely effective dominance in this game is now over.  

The new Hunahpus




And now we get what is probably the single most humiliating moment of the season.

The new members of Hunahpu come back to their campsite for the first time

"Maybe this new tribe won't suck like the last one."




But Alec is sadly going to be disappointed.  Because it DOES suck.  Especially when they figure out...

They have almost no rice left

"There's, like, barely two scoops."




And hey, remember when the Hunahpus were dominating the game?  Remember when they were steamrolling Coyopa in every challenge?  

Good times




Well maybe that had something to do with the fact THAT THEY WERE EATING DOUBLE PORTIONS OF RICE AND THEY DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT RATIONING.  Maybe that had something to do with why Hunahpu was considered one of the strongest tribes in the history of Survivor for a while.  It's because they ate thirty-nine days of rice in less than two weeks.

Wes when he realizes they're all fucked now

Here, we can all split this





The new members of Hunahpu panic once they realize the situation that the original members of Hunahpu have put them in.  

No matter how mentally prepared they are to play this game, they are all going to starve to death.  






"Yeah, we just forgot about rationing."

You know we're going to die, right?




And with that, let the death spiral of Hunahpu's one last remaining shred of dignity slowly begin.

"We have three days of food left.  And then what?"




As episode five creeps slowly along, the new Hunahpus eventually run out of food.  Which sometimes happens when you have been rolling around and dancing naked in your food instead of properly rationing it.

Everyone is lethargic




And this is where... well.... if you have read this entry up to this point, you can probably guess where we're going.

"I wonder what we're gonna do to get more food"

"It's not gonna be goo-ooo-ood."




At one point they even debate eating the vultures.





And this is where we get the Christy brother moment you knew was coming.

Et tu, Little Alec?

"We might have to trade a reward for more rice, guys."




And here we go again.

Don't say that.  Don't you EVER say that.

"Whatever we gotta do, right?"

Awwwwwwww fuck




And here we go on the merry-go-round again.

For Reed, it's the third time around!




So we get to the episode five immunity challenge.

As Hunahpu walks by what could potentially be their one last remaining food source




And there's Probst.  

And he looks like he is ready to deal.

Hi Hunahpu.  Boy you guys look tired.

Anything to offer me today?  

I desire a bundt cake.  Might you offer me a bundt cake?




Hunahpu tries their best.  And somehow, despite having no food in them, they actually manage to win.  Although that really shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.  Hunahpu ALWAYS wins.

"Hunahpu!  Wins immunity!"




Jeff even points out how they continue to dominate.





"It does not matter who's on the tribe.  The dominance continues!"




And now... finally... we come to the moment of reckoning.  Where Hunahpu finally pays the price for the fact that they all ate like fat pigs.

"Jeff, when you get a sec, we'd like to talk to you please"

Huh?




Jeff doesn't have to be a dick here.  I mean, he doesn't HAVE to.  But he still does anyway.  Because why not?





"Sure.  I got time."

(excitedly) "Another conversation!"

"This is gonna be good!"




Reed goes on to explain that they have no food, and that Missy sucks, and that Baylor sucks, and that they are probably going to die in the next twenty four hours because nobody has any food.

And then come the words that you know had Probst just crapping his pants.

"We're, uh, lookin' to make a trade for a bag of rice to sustain us."




Yes.  That is now the THIRD Hunahpu reward negotiation.








Jeff could actually be a much bigger asshole here (like he was the first two times), but for some reason he decides to leave them some dignity and show a little compassion.  So instead of going out of his way to humiliate them, he just lays down the law and tells it how it is going to be.  And it's not going to be pretty.

"You could argue, that extra rice is why Hunahpu did so well in the challenges."

"And you guys, now, have to pay that invoice."

"That invoice will be steep."

Aw, crap.  Thanks Hunahpu.

"I'll see you tomorrow and we'll figure it out."




And now, finally, in episode six... it's time for the Hunahpus to pay the piper.  

For something most of them didn't even do in the first place.

Day fourteen

The riceman cometh




By the way, if you're a fan of sneaky little editor jokes, watch this scene and watch how they intersperse shots of a vulture or another black bird of prey in with shots of Jeff Probst.  It's not very subtle.






Hunahpu, here comes your worst nightmare

Quoth the raven, "camp no more!"

Alec sees him coming and it's all over but the shouting

Awwwwwwwww shit

So you guys want to negotiate?  Right?





And here comes Probst with his demands on what they are going to have to give up.





Actually, no.  First, let's berate them a little bit.  Because lord knows we haven't squeezed enough blood out of this particular stone at this point.

Jeremy, you suck.  And Reed, you're the worst.  And Wes, put the fucking tongue away, it's gross.  






You guys are weak.  And when motherfuckers get scared, that's when motherfuckers get shot.





Finally, he wraps up his little insult fest.  By taking one last dig at how pathetic "the most dominant tribe in recent Survivor history" really is.

Reed:  "There were too many cooks in the kitchen.  And they all wanted to use too much rice."

"Sounds like there were too many PATRONS in the kitchen!"

"No tribe, in the HISTORY of the show, has ever needed more help than you guys."

"And only fourteen days in!"




And with that, comes his final demands.  This is how the negotiations are going to go this time.  

They can take it or leave it.

"For this rice, here's what I want."

"I want your tarp.  Your hammock.  Your bedroll, pillows, and blankets."

"Everything you won in the comfort reward, it's mine."






"I also want your hatchet, your hammer.  One of the pots.  The extra flint."

I want Julie's fake tits.  I want all of Wes's chicken nuggets.  I want the naming rights to Jeremy's kid.






Natalie, I want you to get me on the Amazing Race.  And Reed and Josh, I don't want anything from you.  I just want you both to shut the fuck up.






"You will be starting over."




And just like that, that's the end of the dominance of Hunahpu.  No more will they be the dominant tribe of San Juan Del Sur.  No more will they be stuffing their faces with double the rations of the hapless Coyopas.  No more will they be initiating negotiations based on a reward they might want over the other one.  It's over.  All of it.

And just to rub the salt in the wound a little deeper, then Jeff is reunited with this.





"Hey look.  The infamous extra flint."



And with that, it's over.  

Hasta la vista, Hunahpu.




Oh yeah, with one last little Jeff Probst Dick Moment TM just to finish it off.





"Good luck guys.  Let's hope it doesn't rain."



And just like that, like Keyser Soze, he's gone.








And that, more than anything, is why you don't negotiate with Jeff Probst.


























P.S.  Wait, you have a comment about this entry, Mister President?  Well go right ahead.  
** Special thanks to Ryan Weiss for the Pennywise/FUBC picture.  And to Leann Lindsley and Bailey Vogt for the "Art of No Deal by Sun Drew" idea.
And to Mike Whittaker and John Simons for the last two pictures of the entry. **

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