The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#62. Kat and the Fly
One World - episode 2
It has often been said that you can tell a lot about a Survivor character just from their first confessional.
"I've got the million dollar check written. I mean, I'm the winner."
After
all, if the producers want you to know what is in the heart of a
certain player... if they want to get right into what makes up a
person's basic essence... what better way is there to do it than
through their opening quote?
"Ohhhhhhhh shit."
In
fact, if you go back and you research your Survivor history, you will
see example after example of the producers using a player's opening
confessional to tell you a little something about them. Or what
their storyline is going to be.
"If you don't boil your water out here, you wind up with amoebic dysentery."
"Which basically has you puking and crapping your guts out."
And
so here you have this great Survivor tradition. Of the editors
choosing the opening confessional to tell you a little something about
what a player's storyline is going to be.
"I plan on being remembered. One way or another, you will NOT forget me."
"I'm gonna use my blazing speed to win the HELL out of this game."
"In these challenges I am going to kick ass, because puzzles lay down for me like lovers."
"I don't really care for the Jews."
And then, on the other hand, you have Kat from One World.
Whose storyline was basically, "She's simple. And she is easily distracted by bright shiny objects."
Squirrel!
Combine the two, and we have one of the greatest opening player confessionals in Survivor history.
What
kills me about this moment is that I don't think most Survivor fans
tend to remember it. Even the diehards. When people on the
internet create lists like "The best opening confessionals in Survivor
history", and they DO create lists like that, nobody ever, EVER
mentions Kat. She never even shows up in the top one hundred.
Which
just makes me all the more excited to present this entry. This is
one of those rare instances when I am going to get a bunch of emails
afterwards from people telling me thank you for helping me appreciate
One World. I always thought that season sucked, but now that I
read your entry about Kat and it made me appreciate what the editors
did with her, now I can finally appreciate the season. Which is
great to hear. Because I still think that One World sucks.
But hey, at least there's Kat. And at least she's always
around in the background, running around doing Kat things.
Okay,
so here we go. Without further preamble, here is one of the most
perfect opening confessionals a Survivor character has ever had.
Yes, Heidi, it was even better than yours.
It's episode one of One World.
And Kat is introduced to us along with the rest of the female Salani Tribe.
She doesn't do a whole lot during the first episode. In fact, she doesn't even get a confessional at all.
Now
that I think about it, that's probably why people tend not to even
remember her opening confessional. It doesn't
actually show up until the first couple minutes of episode two.
In episode one she mostly just hangs around with the other girls of Salani
And carries bamboo
And randomly shows up with a neon headband
And battles Leif for a runaway chicken
And tries to start fire
She actually does get a good amount of airtime in the first episode. She just never actually gets a confessional.
Although at one point she has to be reminded who "Bill" is
And what "ambience" means
And she explains that they don't need a full fire, they just need "a little bit" of fire
Most of Kat's contributions in episode one come at Tribal Council.
Where she breaks up a fight between Christina and Alicia
And she incorrectly gives the camera the finger
And she catches the flint! Yay!
Here she wonders if the Fibonacci sequence can also be defined by a Diophantine equation
And
so that's Kat's contribution to Survivor through the first episode of
One World. She hasn't had a confessional yet. But she has made her presence known.
The happy days. Before the appendicitis.
And now it's the beginning of episode two.
Where we will finally get our first beloved Kat confessional.
Okay,
so the Salanis come back from Tribal Council. Where they just
learned that Kourtney will not be returning with her broken wrist.
Kourtney is out of the game. Her and her dumb whale hat.
Gross
As
the girls come back to camp, Mike from Manono informs them that, while
they were away, he was a nice guy and he took care of their fire.
That way it didn't go out while they were yelling at each other
for four hours over at Tribal Council.
Mike Jefferson is basically Jesus
Kat, of course, doesn't agree with his logic. And she prepares a rebuttal.
Mike says yeah, you started it, but it was already hot. I kept the embers hot for you.
Kat says nuh uh, you big poo poo face. I know way more about entropy and the third law of thermodynamics than you do.
And this is where we get her (first) angry confessional.
Kat sits down, and she is ragin' mad
Okay, so here we go. I will quote Kat's entire first confessional now, verbatim.
"The guys said they were taking care of our fire while we were gone."
"But, mind you, I am the fire person."
"And... if they weren't there... when I got back..."
"...I probably would have set up..."
"I would maybe have got it..."
At this point an audible buzzing is heard off to her right. It appears that a fly is buzzing around her.
Kat immediately stops her confessional, mid-sentence. It appears she has been distracted by the fly.
Then she looks back to the camera.
I absolutely love this look on her face.
Phew, that was a close one.
"... Whoa."
Kat thinks the encounter is over, but then the fly settles down and you can see it land on her shoulder.
Naturally, Kat feels this and she screams.
AHHHHH!
Kat recoils in horror. And the fly panics and flies off and it exits the scene.
Kat wonders what the hell just happened. Why did she get attacked by a fly?
Is it gone?
Mind you, we are still in the middle of a confessional. And the camera is still rolling.
Kat suddenly realizes this, and she turns back to the camera.
Oh. Hi.
"Sorry."
She turns and laughs at what just happened
And then?
Just like nothing has happened, she goes right back into the confessional.
"... I would have been able to do it myself."
And so there you have it.
Out
of all the first confessionals in Survivor history, one of my absolute
favorites. And one that nobody EVER talks about. Which is a
shame, because it might be the most perfect opening character
confessional of them all.
Richard, in his opening confessional, predicted his win
Sandra, in her opening confessional, dropped a hard S-bomb
Lex, in his opening confessional, predicted he'd be done in by amoebic dysentery
And Kat?
Kat, in her opening confessional, was distracted by a fly
I mean, if that's not a perfect opening character moment, I don't know what is.
** Thank you to Cory Gage for the FUBC in morse code picture
**
