The Funny 115 - The Third One

#65. Who Bangs the Chicken?
Cagayan - episode 3

One of the great things about a televised social experiment like Survivor is the questions that are inevitably brought up on the show.  Like, for example, the first season, Survivor: Borneo.  In that season, we were able to answer the question, "What happens when you take sixteen strangers and you throw them together onto an island?  And what happens when there are a bunch of TV cameras around and they all know they are being watched?"

Answer: The fat guy wins

Another question, that came up later, in Australian Outback, is what do you call "winning" when it comes to Survivor?  Is winning specifically "getting a check for a million dollars"?  Or is winning also "getting to the end of the game without compromising your morals?"

Colby's famous vote to eliminate the unworthy guy

And then, of course, there's the famous question that came up in Survivor: Tocantins.

What the heck is a pace?

Through thirty plus seasons we have been bombarded with all the important ethical and strategic and scientific questions of our generation.

Like who the fuck is Amanda?

But it wasn't until Survivor: Cagayan that we were able to see the most important scientific question of them all.  Ladies and gentlemen, if you ever wanted to see the peak of what Survivor can be as a social experiment.  If you ever wanted to see what an Emmy-winning scene looks like on episodic TV.  If you ever wanted to see science that would make even Yau Man beam with pride and accomplishment, you need look no further than episode three of Survivor: Cagayan.  

Because this is where the Beauty Tribe finally asked the hard hitting question...

Does someone have sex with the chicken?

Ah yes.  The famous conundrum of "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"  Carefully boiled down to its even more important question, who bangs the chicken in the first place?

Answer:  we all do

This is one of those amazing scenes that we rarely get anymore in modern Survivor.  It has nothing to do with strategy, it has nothing to do with idols, and it has even less to do with Sarah explaining why she's a cop but this time she's playing like a criminal.  

I mean, we have six and they have five.  It's a six vee five.

No, this is just a pure comedy scene from episode three of Survivor: Cagayan.  I loved it when I saw it.  I loved it even more when I watched it on my rewatch.  And I love it even MORE when I realize it is almost word for word the exact same thing as one of my favorite scenes from Seinfeld, where Frank Costanza ruins a dinner party by repeatedly wondering who has sex with a chicken and creeping everyone out.

I mean, don't you see?  Somebody's gotta be nailing the chicken.

Okay, without further ado, here is the famous "who has sex with the chicken" scene from episode three of Cagayan.  Starring the Beauty Tribe in one of their proudest, and really ONLY, moments.  

I hope you enjoy it.

At least as much as Shirin enjoys it

Okay, so it's episode three.  And here is our famous Beauty Tribe.  Made up of all the beautiful people.

Morgan doesn't mean to be conceited, but she's the most beautiful

In today's challenge, the three tribes will be competing for a traditional Survivor reward.

You'll be competing for what's under this cloth

A new car?

No, something smaller

"You'll be competing for three egg laying hens.  And a rooster."

Joy over the prospect of winning poultry that might fuck each other

So the challenge starts.  It is one of those "one person calls out instructions to everyone else who is blindfolded" challenges.

In production terms, this challenge is known as "LJ repeatedly gets whacked in the balls."

Ouch!  Alexis!


Spencer, knock it off, god damnit

But despite it all, despite LJ taking more nut shots than an episode of America's Funniest Home Videos, the Beauty Tribe pulls off a win in the end and they win the chickens.

The thrill of victory


And with that, they get to carry their hutch of three chickens and one rooster back to their camp.

Be careful, we don't want to drop this on LJ's sack

And it's done

And now?  The scene you've been waiting for.

Where Morgan realizes she is way hotter than all four of them

Just kidding.  

And now, the chicken sex discussion.

Alexis and LJ look in awe at their new poultry overlords

"I don't think I've ever been close to a live chicken before."

Actually, you've probably been close to one many times and you just didn't know it

Tyler, please stick to your own season.  Thanks.

In any case, here comes the big Alexis moment.

Alexis Maxwell, the pride of Northwestern University, watches the chickens roaming around

And she wonders about the eggs.  And it leads to a question.

"Does, like, the rooster have to get it on with one of the hens?"

"To make eggs?"

Of course, this is where Yau Man is watching at home and he starts beaming with pride.  Because, you know.  We are about to have a discussion on TV about...


But, alas, Yau Man would be disheartened to hear the response.  

Because not only do her Beauty Tribe teammates not know the answer, they confuse her by answering three different things at once.

All at once, Alexis hears...

"I was wondering that myself"

And with that, let the great chicken/rooster/egg/sex debate begin!

Alexis latches on to the fact that one of her tribesmates said "no."  Turns out the rooster does not actually have to backdoor the chicken.  

This is correct, by the way.  Hens will produce eggs either with or without a rooster present.  And I only know that because I just looked it up.


"So the eggs just keep happening?"

Again, Alexis is met with some "yes" responses and also a couple of "no"s.  Nobody seems to know for sure.

"So what's the rooster for?"

Rooster, huh, good god
What is it good for

This is where we get a great confessional from Alexis, where she sits down and she tells us she doesn't think anyone knows.  Nobody here on the Beauty Tribe knows how a god damn egg is produced.  

"There's been some talk about how this egg/chicken process works."

"But I really think everyone's just pretending to know, and they don't know."

And yep, here we go.  Right back to discussion of the chicken fertilizing process.

Alexis is still curious about all this

Care to chime in on this one, Jefra?

"They have to be in a thing."

"Like, a heat lamp."

Ah yes, thank you junior Yau Man.

Jeremiah and LJ just look on in confusion.  Did Jefra really just say a heat lamp causes eggs?

Yau Man continues to watch this scene at home with a shotgun in his mouth

However, there is some good news.  It turns out there is ONE guy here who has a complete grasp of how chickens and eggs work, and how science works, and his name is LJ.   So he sits down for a confessional.

"Nobody knows how a chicken is born."

"It's just.  I don't understand."

"I can't even believe that some of this stuff comes out of peoples' mouths."

Then, just to prove his superior knowledge of the chicken fucking process, and to show how amazing he is when it comes to science, we cut back to camp where LJ is explaining to everyone how the process goes down.  And just who bangs who, and when.

"Oh, so another guy has to come up and, like, fertilize them?"


And with that, we have another kinda sorta maybe possibly correct victory for the forces of science.

Science is fun!

... or do we?

We now cut to Jefra, who still questions that the eggs have to be fertilized

And now, of course, we get the Jefra quote that cancels out all of this scientific witchcraft mumbo-jumbo.

"Oh I don't know."

"All I know is it tastes really good."

So yes.  With that, the debate has been settled.  Nobody knows how chicken sex works, or how eggs work.  And nobody cares.  And somewhere, Yau Man is hanging from a rafter because he couldn't take listening to it anymore.  RIP Yau Man.



But wait, there is still ONE person who cares.  And one person who can explain everything.

We can't forget about our old scientific expert, LJ.

Care to sum up this scene for us, Mister Doctorate?

"We have the stereotypical beauty tribe."

"And it's just so unfortunate."

Ha ha.  The Beauty Tribe is so dumb.  They don't know that eggs are produced naturally.  

Thank god LJ is here to rise above all this nonsense.

"We all know the egg came first 'cause dinosaurs had eggs."

"And they were before the chickens."

Actually, never mind.  Let's go see what's happening with the Brawn Tribe for a while.

P.S.  See, don't say you never learned anything from this website:

Q: Does a Hen Need a Rooster to Lay Eggs?
A: This is the most-asked question by people curious about chickens. Most people are quite relieved to learn that the answer is "no"-- the hen (female) will lay eggs with or without a rooster (male) present.

Q: What Happens When a Rooster Is Present?
A: Hens lay eggs on the same schedule as without a rooster present. If the rooster is allowed to mingle with the hens, there is a high likelihood that the eggs will be fertilized. This could result in chicks if the eggs are allowed to incubate.

Q: But what about dinosaurs?  Didn't they come first?
A:  Fuck you.

P.P.S.  Here's some great feedback I got about this entry from some of my chicken experts:

    From Reddit user ResettisReplicas:

"It's too bad Cochran wasn't there. He probably would've explained the menstrual cycle and ovulation with a completely straight face."

Loves the dark meat

    From a reader named Lyndall Bridges:

 "I SO BADLY wanted to see the look on Jefra's face when someone explained to her that an egg is a chicken's period.  I thought LJ was gonna get there but sadly he didn't seem to know what the hell was going on with the chickens either."

    From Reddit user AlexgKeisler:

"I think the fact that the Beauty tribe ended up killing and eating an egg-laying chicken instead of the useless rooster should have been included somewhere."

    From a reader named Earl Jefforson:

"Fun little story. My parents and I were watching this just after a rewatch of China. When we got to this scene, my mom asked me "Wasn't there a guy named Chicken on that last season we watched?"

Before I could respond, my dad said "I wonder what his reaction to six beautiful people talking about chicken sex would be."

And unanimously, all three of us shouted "DAMN!" and had a good laugh."

Popular in hen houses

P.P.P.S.   For you Seinfeld fans.

"Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster."

"The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?"

"You see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster, and a chicken. Something's missing!"

I think they're missing a heat lamp.

"They're ALL chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them."

"That's perverse!"

** Thank you to Aaron Conn for the Kathy Griffin/FUBC picture **

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