The Funny 115 - The Third One

#67. The Sarah Sandwich
Cagayan - episode 6

It's the sixth episode of Survivor: Cagayan, and things aren't looking good for our llama-speaking friend Tony.

Despite all his efforts, despite all his scheming, despite the fact that he fucking runs EVERYWHERE any time he has to do something, Tony finds himself down 6-5 as he heads into the merge.  And things are looking pretty bleak.

Run Forrest Run!

And just WHY are things looking so bleak for our spazzy bald friend?

Well, because of this girl

You see, Tony's alliance is down 6-5, and it is all because of fellow police officer Sarah.  

Plays like a cop, acts like a criminal

Earlier in the game, Tony and Sarah made a "Cops 'R Us Alliance."  And when they got to the merge, they had planned to stick together.  After all, that's what people who wear the badge in real life do.  They stick together.

So that was supposed to be the plan.  Tony and Sarah.  The two police officers.  Standing together at the end.  

The way nature intended it.

It should have been easy

But always remember, my friends.  

Survivor is not easy.

In the episodes leading up to the merge, there was a twist.  And there were turns.   And new friendships were born.   And old alliances were broken.

Kass with her new friends (and also Tasha)

And as we head to the merge, we now have two very distinct alliances about to square off with one another.

We have the Aparri Six, which includes Tony's former ally Sarah

And we have Tony's little Solana Five

Which, for lack of a better term, is now fucked

So the merge comes.  And, as expected, the Aparri Six welcome their hapless Solana prey to their beach with open arms.

Morgan, you lazy ass, would you get up here and wave to them?

And, I swear to god, this is all you are going to hear from the Aparris for the next forty-five minutes of the episode.

"We control the game.  We have six and they have five."

Thanks, Spencer.  I think that just about sums it up for...

"We have six and they have five.  And I'm in the middle."

Well okay then.  Thanks, Sarah.  So anyway, the Solanas...

"You have six and we have five.  Sarah, we need you."

Okay, ENOUGH.  We get it.  One tribe has six and the other has...

"Guys, we have six.  If we stay together, we can vote them out.  They only have five."



Anyone else want to explain to us how basic math works?

Oh whatever.  F.U., Brad Culpepper.

So anyway, the Aparris have six, and the Solanas have five, and...

"And I'm in the middle.  I'm a Sarah sandwich!"

Yes.  So Sarah is in the middle.  And as she delightfully puts it, she's a Sarah sandwich.

Plays like a dagwood, acts like a reuben

And yes, we are now officially to that part of the episode.  This is the section of this episode that everyone remembers.

We now get a string of confessionals where Sarah reiterates to us, over and over, that SHE is the swing vote tonight.  And SHE is the one in power.  And she ALONE will determine what is going to happen and which member of the Solanas is going to go home tonight.

I'm the boss.  It's my decision.

I hold all the cards

And people better respect her authoritah tonight because...

Because I'm the powerful one.  I am the Sarah Sandwich.

And, uh, if you know your Survivor history, you will know that we have always referred to this as "The Christy Position."

Named after former Survivor contestant Christy Smith

Who fucked up a similar powerful position back in Amazon

So anyway, Sarah is in the Christy Position.  And she is giving endless confessionals about how powerful she is, and how the other players all need to just bow down to her tonight.

As Taylor from Kid Nation once said, deal with it

And meanwhile there is ONE person in her alliance who is growing a little bit tired of it.

No, not that guy

You see, there is one person in Sarah's alliance who is getting tired of all the attitude.  And who is tired of having to walk around kissing Sarah's ass.  And, quite frankly, is tired of Sarah throwing her weight around and having all this undeserved power for no reason.

And I'm excited, because now I finally get to write an entry about Chaos Kass.

Still waiting to see that data on the brains tribe

Kass McQuillen, and I say this in the nicest possible way because I don't want her to find me and sue me, doesn't put up with your shit.  I mean, that's it.  That's who she is.  She is a human bullshit detector.

When she sees bullshit on Survivor, she has no choice but to call it out.

And when she sees Sarah going on and on about how powerful she is

And when she hears Sarah saying stuff like "Well I'm only going to vote for L.J. or Tony tonight, and that's it."

And when she gets yelled at because she isn't kissing Sarah's ass like everyone else.

Guys, Kass is being mean to me.   She won't call me a Sarah Sandwich.

Kass you need to call her a Sarah Sandwich.  Stop being racist.

Kass sees all this bullshit going on around her, and it all revolves around Sarah.  And it is driving her crazy.

This is one of my favorite scenes.  Sarah is dictating to Aparri who the six of them are going to vote for tonight.

We either vote for Tony or LJ, or I'm out.

Look at Sarah down there, throwing her weight around.  Look at her ordering them around.

And now we get one of my favorite screenshots of this episode.

Check out the look on Kass's face when Sarah starts throwing around all her demands again.

Chaos Kass is tired of your shit


And this is where Kass's plan of, "You know, it would be really funny if I flipped this vote around on the princess" slowly starts to take shape.

There's a reason why so many people love this episode, you know.

So here you have Tony, running around, doing Tony things.  And doing anything he can to try to save the Solanas.

And meanwhile, here's Kass, on the other side.  Who really wants to vote out Sarah just to see the look on her face.

She brags like a cop, I wonder if she'd cry like a criminal?

Although time has more or less forgotten the fact that she actually DOES have a pretty good strategic reason for wanting to turn on Sarah.

Care to fill us in on your reasoning, Kass?

"I don't trust the cop."

"When she starts making demands, that lets me know she's not in the six."

"She's in the one."

Kass is especially annoyed by the fact that Sarah is only willing to vote for Tony or L.J. tonight.  Both of whom are widely suspected of having an idol.  

Sarah is steering them into a disaster where one of the Aparri Six is probably going to get idoled out tonight.  And since Kass can see it coming a mile down the road, it is driving her absolutely bonkers.

"Does nobody see this?  Am I the only one?"

"She has way too much power.  Who made her queen?"

And now, if you ever wanted to get into the mindset of Kass on Survivor, and why she plays the way she does, here's the money shot.  

This is why she always winds up with a bunch of enemies.  

This is why half of the Survivor fan base loves her, and the other half hates her.

THIS is why you never want to get on the bad side of Chaos Kass.

"I know Sarah is about to destroy the game."

"If she's gonna destroy the game, I want to have the pre-emptive strike."

"I wanna destroy it."

And voila.  Chaos Kass is about to pull off her most Chaos Kass-y accomplishment.

Well this should be fun

So the tribe gets to Tribal Council.  

And there's a lot of drama at this point that winds up being meaningless.    

For starters, two different idols are played.

Thanks Tony, but you didn't have to run to bring it up here

Thanks, L.J.

There are all sorts of threats, and bluffs, and insults, and cheering.   And reaction shots.

And meanwhile, there's ONE person sitting in the front, who is the only one here who knows what's about to happen.  

And who knows full well that none of the idols that are being played tonight are going to mean anything.

No, not her

See if you can figure out who knows what is about to happen to miss Sarah Sandwich

And so, anyway, here comes the vote.  And boom goes the dynamite.

Sandwich this

And what follows is one of the greatest collections of reaction shots in the history of Tribal Council.  

Starting with Tony having an absolute spaz attack.

And then there's Chaos Kass in the front.  With the biggest shit eating grin on her face since Gillian in Gabon actually ate literal shit.

Nicely done

And hey, guess what?  Here are more reaction shots!  

Feel free to pick out your favorite.

And finally, you know that saying "A picture is worth a thousand words"?  Well take a gander at this last one.

The side eye

And so anyway, that's it.  Chaos Kass decides to destroy the game before Sarah can manage to destroy it.  And with that, we have one of the truly great blindsides in the history of Survivor.


So Sarah walks out, stunned.

Sandwich, deconstructed

And Tony is gleeful as all hell, because he can see that the Aparris are furious.

"Look at 'em!  Look at 'em!"

And this is where we get to my main excuse for wanting to write this entry.

You see, Spencer is not happy that Kass just fucked up everyone's game

And he decides that he is going to say something about it

And this is where we get absolutely one of the most famous quotes of the season.

Spencer bounces his little bobblehead up and down, and he informs her...

Which is a great enough quote on its own.  

But what a lot of people never caught is what is actually so awesome about it.

You see, if you ever watched this scene on a WIDESCREEN TV, or on a widescreen device, then you would be able to see what is happening just off camera to the left.  In fact, I cracked up the first time somebody pointed this out to me.

Just off to the left, there's Tony.  Doing a perfect imitation of Spencer being all angry and bobblehead-y.  

You are going to laugh your ass off if you never noticed this before.  

Check out the widescreen version.

Tony doing his infuriated Spencer impression

Now, I would have been perfectly fine to just end this entry on that gif.  I mean, when I originally sat down to write this entry, that was pretty much all it was.  I wanted to set up Sarah being blindsided, then I wanted to show Spencer being angry about it, and then I wanted to end with Tony doing his Spencer impression.

Tony, horning in on the camera shot as usual

But then... I realized this wasn't the only great Tony moment during this Tribal Council!

Check out this shot from right after the vote, when everyone is trying to figure out who flipped on the Aparris

Okay, now just like before.  Why don't we pan just a little bit back... and check out the widescreen version...

And there's Tony doing his impression of a bird.  Where he imitates everyone else trying to figure out who flipped.  This one is just as funny as the other one.

So what's the point of this entry?

Well, none really.  I just wanted to point out that Tony is a lot more fun than just "some guy who collected idols and who won Survivor."  

If nothing else, I want you to appreciate how bizarre it is that a spaz like Tony actually won a game like Survivor.

Not just a great winner, but also a great character

Oh, and I also wanted to point out how much Kass fucking hates sandwiches.

Zero chance of eating at Subway

P.S.  Here's something funny that a reader named George Hawtin pointed out after seeing Tony do that Spencer impression.  As a player, Tony is so much better than he gets credit for.

** Thanks to Ethan Kyle for the James Miller FUBC picture **

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