Funny 115 - The Third One
#68. How To Terrify a Mob Boss
Nicaragua - episode 2
In my never-ending quest to showcase my
favorite screencaps, this entry features two wildly different
characters from Nicaragua who could not have been more polar opposites
of one another. And a memorable interaction they had which,
of course, culminated in a famous (and really fun) screen shot.
Sort of like this
the fun thing about saying "Nicaragua" and "odd characters interacting
with one another" is the fact that you probably have no idea who the
hell I am talking about. I mean, I could be talking about Fabio
debating chess theory with Marty. I could be talking about NaOnka
discussing rodeo history with Chase. I could be talking about
Jimmy the Fisherman having a dick fight with NFL Hall of Famer Jimmy
Johnson over his lack of playing time. And that's the fun thing
about Nicaragua. That whole SEASON is just one odd character
bouncing up against somebody who is even odder.
Okay... so with that being said... which two characters from Nicaragua is this particular entry about?
the first one is Dan, of course. The first star of this entry is
Dan Lembo. Who you might remember as the tanned, leathery, old
guy from New York who had horrible knees, and who may or may not
be an actual Mafia mob boss.
You been musclin' in on my turf, Jeff Probst, and you're dead
And the second star of this entry?
you might know her as soccer mom, and internationally famous
motivational speaker, Holly Hoffman. Who was a huge fan favorite
at the time. And who is also the most South Dakotan person to
ever set foot on Survivor (with apologies to Mitchell.)
here you have the South Dakota soccer mom, and the creaky, scary
millionaire mob boss from Brooklyn. And they had a spectacularly
bizarre interaction in episode two that is going to culminate in one of
my favorite Survivor screen shots of all time.
This is probably going to be a fairly quick writeup, so here we go.
It's episode two, and Holly is already on the outs with her beloved Espada tribe.
And why is Holly already on the outs?
Well because on day one of the game, she became BFFs with Wendy, the weirdo rancher from Montana.
Holly and Wendy became BFFs to the end right there on the first day of the game.
And this was a problem when everyone else on the tribe couldn't figure out Wendy, and they wanted to vote her out.
Here is the general Espada feeling towards Wendy
anyway, Wendy alienated everyone for the first three days of
the game, with her incessant being Wendy and her incessant being off-putting. And then, at the end of
the first episode, the Espadas voted her out.
And at this point, who was left? Standing all alone at the bottom of the tribe's totem pole?
Holly. Who realizes now that you don't make a quick final two pact with the weird one.
Holly has made her bed and now she has to lie in it. And
she knows she is basically screwed. There are now eight people on
this tribe who have bonded, and who are allied against her, and she has
managed to dig herself into a hole as big as the one Jesse James once
jumped over at Devil's Gulch. And here you were thinking I wasn't
going to teach you any South Dakota trivia.
The same look Custer had when he realized he was taking on the entire Lakota Nation
remember, Holly Hoffman isn't a quitter. She isn't going to give
up just because things aren't going her way. Remember, this isn't
a Jack Black movie, there is no popcorn here, and her name isn't Purple
Kelly or NaOnka.
Holly is a motivational speaker by trade, and
now she just sees this as a challenge. She is going to dig
herself out of this hole the only way she knows how to do it.
And just how are you going to do that, Holly?
"I have to show these people that I can kick their ass on Survivor."
so there you go. Holly is going to turn this ship around, and she
is going to kick everyone's ass at the game of Survivor. And it
is going to be one of the greatest comebacks in the history of the
show. It is going to be glorious.
so what is Holly's first step in getting everyone to like her?
And turning this ship around where she starts to fit in with her
Well the next morning she sees Jill eating some snails And she doesn't like it
So Holly unleashes those amazing social skills she always knew she possessed.
She walks over, she picks up the pot, and she literally CONFISCATES the snails that Jill is eating.
And she dumps them all back into the ocean.
Jill reacts with horror. Bitch just took my food!
And this, of course, cements the fact that Holly isn't just odd like Wendy and hard to deal with.
Now, on top of that, she is also actively crazy.
Now the Espadas have a REASON not to want to have to deal with her.
Jill and Jimmy T. then explain to us why you might not want to keep this type of a woman around camp.
"I don't know what to think of Holly. Her mental state is not good." "In Survivor, you don't want to come across as mentally unstable."
"Holly, I'm sure, is a very nice person. But she's off the deep end." "She needs to do well in this game, and she's not. And now she's hittin' the panic button." "Oh, and also, put me in coach. I'm wasting away doing these confessionals."
now looks like that hole that Holly is in might be even deeper than she
realizes. Because now she isn't just on the outs with her tribe.
Now she isn't just that outcast who was friends with the weird
Montana chick. Now they are actively FRIGHTENED of her. Now
she has her OWN storyline going on.
Especially when Jill goes to everyone else on the tribe and she explains what just happened.
Holly took the snails out of my hand and she dumped them! Wowwwwww! Throwin' away food, that's.... That's crazy
Even Dan reacts with horror when he hears they are living with an actual crazy person.
And this is where we get the setup to what will eventually be the big shoe confrontation.
So Holly is off to the side in the middle of all this, and she is talking to a butterfly, or making an alliance with a bush
as Holly is doing this, Dan decides he is going to start talking shit
about her. As you do when you are a feared and respected member
of the Gambino family.
is Dan all that far off at this moment? Probably not. He is
probably just saying what everyone else on the tribe is thinking.
Damn, that girl is wack
But Holly sees him talking shit about her.
And... uh... as we would learn later with Abi... if you're smart, you don't want to poke this particular beehive.
Holly's spirit animal
this is where Holly decides she'd rather be less "motivational
speaker", and she would like to be more "I'm Glenn Close and I'm going to boil your bunny."
Hair down, glasses on
Holly takes to a confessional now to explain what is going to happen.
This is what happens when you rile up the beehive, motherfuckers.
"I don't think they realized that I was watching them." "And Dan was making fun of me." "That gets under my skin."
thinks about it, and she thinks about it, and she eventually decides
that the best way to pay Dan back for his insolence is to take her
revenge out on his shoes.
she decides that the best way to deal with Dan is to find some pressure
valve where she can release her anger onto him.
Just to prove to everyone that she is a fighter and that she will never give up.
So she goes back to camp.
She takes his super expensive Mafioso alligator shoes And she fills them with sand
Then, just to add insult to injury, she decides to tie them.
And then she dumps them in the water.
that, my friends, is how you take revenge on a guy who probably
has hundreds of people who would be willing to shoot you.
"Revenge is a dish best served in secret out in the water where nobody noticed it."-Old Klingon proverb
So Holly has stood up for herself, and she has proven to everyone else on the tribe that she will never give up.
"I'm not gonna sit back anymore and let them rub things in my face."
And for a couple of hours... to quote the Almighty BobDawg... she actually feels pretty swell about it.
Believe in yourself
"So I wake up this morning, and I looked in my bag." "And my alligator shoes were missing."
Holly realizes that she is about to piss off the all powerful Brooklyn Mob Boss.
The Espadas spend most of the morning looking for Dan's lost alligator shoes Who would take 'em out of my bag? Who here wants to wind up dead in the East River?
then goes to the rest of the Espadas, and he explains that somebody
stole the shoes out of his bag. And that if doesn't get them
back, their families are all dead.
Yve expresses shock that somebody would be dumb enough to do that
in a conversation with Jill, Dan fesses up about how much those shoes
were actually worth. And how he is going to put a bullet in
somebody's head if he doesn't fucking get them back.
Jill laughs when she hears how expensive they were
the way, I was skeptical when I heard this "sixteen hundred" quote.
I was like, really? Alligator shoes really cost that
much? So I did a little research on the internet and, guess
what? It turns out that Dan's $1600 alligator shoes weren't even
the uber expensive ones. Check out what you can expect to pay for
a good pair of alligator shoes at different respectable online footwear
Dan's super expensive shoes are gone, and it is clear that somebody
here stole them. And that sends the entire Espada tribe into a
"That means somebody here wants to play games." Greetings Professor Falken. Would you like to play a game? "It's too early to start playing games, and hidin' stuff."
Holly hears how upset everyone is about the whole "stealing shoes" incident.
And she feels bad
So she goes down to the beach by herself. And she has herself a little "come to Jesus" meeting.
this is where she decides that enough is enough. It's time for
her to fess up to Dan and the Espadas, and admit what she did.
"I'm struggling." "I did things that I shouldn't, and it bothers me." "This game is turning me into something that I'm not."
Holly decides to sane up. She puts her hair back up, and she puts
her glasses back on, because it's time to go be responsible and admit
to everyone what she did to Dan's shoes.
So Holly heads back to camp, and she begins to come clean
And here is where we get one of my favorite Survivor screencaps of the past twenty seasons.
Holly admits to everyone that maybe she had a touch of the crazies, and maybe she might have done something that she regrets now Dan takes a moment to lie back down in the shelter and take a load off his knees Remember, Dan has horribly bad knees. He is in pain just about every single minute of the day. It hurts me just watching him try to lie down
So Holly is giving her little motivational speech.
"Remember guys, nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
And then she leans forward and plants her hands on Dan's knees.
Remember, his BAD knees.
all the places Holly could have touched him to reassure him she's not
crazy, she grabs him in the ONE place that probably hurt like an
absolute mother. Which of course perfectly sums up Holly's
relationship with Espada over the first couple of days. If you
need to make friends with a guy who would otherwise put a bullet in
your head and encase you in concrete and dump you in the East River, by
all means be sure to grab him right on his surgically repaired knee.
That's bound to help.
So Holly grabs Dan.
Dan's eyes snap wide open in fear.
HOLY SHIT THE CRAZY LADY IS GOING TO MOUNT ME!
And voila. One of my absolute favorite screencaps on this version of the Funny 115.
And if you ever wondered why Holly was murdered by the mob and nobody ever found her body, well, there you go.
"I took your shoes out of your bag." "Filled them with sand." "And I put them in the water." Friendsies? Holly Hoffman, 1966-2010. She will be missed.
Here's a fun little parallel. There are shots of Holly and
Dan doing nearly the exact same pose earlier in the episode.
I wonder why the Tattaglias are moving in on my action
I wonder when that spaceship that hides behind the Hale-Bopp comet will get here
Yes, I know that Tyrone had a fantastic quote immediately after
this scene about Holly being crazy, and how now he has to keep an eye
on his shoes. But I am saving that quote for a Tyrone character
entry, of course. There's a reason I left it out of this entry.
Just be patient, it's coming. :)
I had to include this one last time, just for my Survivor
Historians co-host Paul Asleson. Here you go, Paul.
Montana, I love you.
** Thanks to Michael Harmstone
for the Crystal Cox FUBC picture