The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#72.
Kat's Appendix
One World - episode 6
One of the things I have always loved about Survivor is when you have a
player who goes through a significant growth arc over the course of a
season. I love when a player learns something new about him-
or herself, or about the world, over the course of fifteen episodes.
Especially when you know they are going to take what they
learned, and they are going to go out and use it to change their life
in a meaningful way after the season is over.
One good example of this is Stephenie. In Palau,
she learned that she CAN live on her own. And she IS strong
enough to survive on a beach all by herself.
She used this knowledge to become the bright ray of sunshine
we all knew and loved in Guatemala
Other people who learned things along the way include
Natalie Anderson, who learned she CAN win a reality show without her
sister
Erik, who learned that when a hot girl offers you a handful
of magic beans for your cow, you might want to say no
Fabio, who learned that hermit crabs can pinch
And Shirin, who not only learned that monkeys can
bang each other in multiple positions
But also that adopted children can hurt just as much as the
rest of us
This is what I mean when I talk about a players growth arc.
It is when, through the game of Survivor, they learn
something new about the world, or about themself. And you
know that they are going to use it to go out in life and make
themselves a better person afterwards.
And then, there's Kat
Who is not only not dateable because she didn't make the
merge
But whose growth arc mostly consisted of
her learning new sight words, shapes, and colors
Yes, I can only be talking about the scene where Kat, from Survivor:
One World, learned what the human appendix is.
You mean, it's like INSIDE you?
This is one of those scenes that was guaranteed to become a Funny 115
entry the moment it appeared on screen. In fact, I can think
of few scenes from Survivor history that became instant Mario favorites
any faster than this one. The moment the
producers tried to have a dramatic and emotional evacuation
scene featuring Colton, but Kat hijacked it and made it comical because
she didn't know what an appendix was, to me that's exactly what I am
looking for when I watch Survivor these days. So I will
always thank Kat for making One World at least somewhat fun to
sit through at times. Thank you, Kat.
You're welcome. Touché.
Okay, so let's get on with the scene.
I'm ready. Let's do it. Touché.
Stop that.
Okay, so it's episode six of Survivor: One World.
And we open the scene with Kat giving meaningful
observations about life and philosophy and strategy, as always.
"Guys, I died last night. Alicia killed me in my
dream."
Oh really, she killed you?
"Yeah. At the mall."
Well okay then. So the appendix episode begins with Kat being
killed at the mall. Thanks for the insight, Kat.
Police immediately arrested pop star Robin
Sparkles and charged her with murder
So bad things are happening at the Salani tribe. What with
the malls and the stabbing and the Cinnabon.
And oh crap, it looks like the sun is rising up out of the
clouds again today
But over on Manono, things are actually a whole hell of a lot worse.
It's night fifteen on Manono, and Colton has a headache and
a massive tummy ache
He is in so much pain that his mortal enemy, Christina, has
to hold him and comfort him
Because you're sick, okay, so shut up
The next morning, after an agonizing night of moaning and pain, Colton
doesn't feel any better. And everyone on the tribe knows that
something is wrong with him. After all, he isn't doing his
usual Colton things this morning like being racist and being elitist
and telling Christina to roast to death in a fire. He's
acting weird. Something must be wrong with the guy.
Doctor Tarzan checks out his tongue and says he is dehydrated.
He says you might have a swollen appendix.
Colton basically spends the whole day in agonizing pain
Ouch
Ouch
Ouch
Things get so bad that the medical team is called in to check out what
is going on with the poor guy.
So they show up
And they give him the standard examination
Hey Colton, can ya poop mate?
It turns out that he can't.
So what's your call, doc?
"I suspect he has acute appendicitis. It's not
safe for him to stay out here anymore. We need to take him
out of the game."
Noooooooooo. Those poor black welfare people infected my
intestines!!
So the Manonos gather around their fallen dickhead hero, and they pay
their respects
Bye Colton. We're going to miss you.
I'm going to call this a quit, Colton. I just wanted you to be aware of that.
So Colton is carted off to the emergency room, so the doctors can operate on him
And
with that, we move over to Salani. Where they get a strange piece
of tree mail that they weren't expecting to get today.
"Both tribes are going to Tribal Council tonight. Be there."
This worries the Salanis. But it especially worries Kat.
Mainly because "Tribal Council" and "your tribe" and "tonight"
are five words she knows.
So she sits down for a confessional where she explains her
concern about going to Tribal tonight. And she does it in a
flowing poetic way that would make the great Shakespeare jealous.
"I'm scared about tonight."
"I have no fingernails left."
"All the dirt is in my mouth. And it was nutritious. But it was
disgusting."
And with that, Kat and the Salanis are forced to attend Tribal Council. Even though they didn't lose a challenge.
Well whatever the opposite of touché is, this is it
And so here we go. The Salanis attend Tribal Council at the end of episode six.
And they are shocked when the Manonos walk in too, and Colton isn't with them
No Colton!
Wow. Maybe Colton is actually Jonas.
Hey Probst, do you maybe have a little info for everyone? Why were we all summoned here to Tribal Council tonight?
"I will catch you up on why everybody's here."
"Colton was medically evacuated from the game yesterday."
"He was in a lot of pain."
"After examination by our doctors, they determined it was
acute appendicitis."
Kat
responds. Not to the news that Colton left, but to the fact that
she has never actually heard the word appendicitis before. And it
sounds scary.
"He had to be flown to a hospital to have surgery."
Because of the surgery, he decided to quit
Guys, Colton's appendix made a big move
And this, of course, is where the big dramatic evacuation scene that the producers intended doesn't really come to fruition.
It was meant to be sad.
It was meant to be scary.
It was meant to be epic.
But it can't be any of those things, because first we have to deal with Kat.
"What is that?"
Awwwww
Alicia takes a moment to be motherly and to explain to Kat where the appendix is.
"Right here."
And I've always loved Kat's response of complete understanding and acknowledgement.
"Oh."
Yeah I still don't get it
Jeff then pipes in, a little too cheerfully.
"It's very painful."
Leif, perhaps you could chime in with one of your classic Leif-isms?
"I've had mine taken out. It's a lot of pain."
"I was about fifteen, and it hurts."
"It hurts."
OH MY GOD, IT'S INSIDE ME AND IT HURTS??!?!
Panic
Probst, who is ever the professional host, attempts to
change the subject and get back to talking about the game. He
attempts to keep this from turning into the Kat Show.
"Troyzan, how does this change the game?"
"Well I know how much Colton loves this game, so I'm sad."
Although the good news is that I still apparently have a very large penis
Probst then goes to Kim. Who gives a predictably cold and badass answer.
Oops, not that one. I mean this one.
"Another person gone is another person gone."
Jeez, you freaking cyborg. Is there even a semblance of a human in there?
"Is it hard to say that?"
"Yeah I've had my appendix out too, and it hurts like hell."
And ohhhhh shit, now we just panicked Kat all over again.
No, not Kim! KIM SPRADLIN HAS AN APPENDIX TOO???!!!
Kat does one of the most amazing double takes of fear when she hears the dreaded "a" word come out of the cyborg's mouth
Now she looks back at Probst, completely terrified
Now,
you'd think that the appendix part of the scene would be over at this
point. I mean, Probst has already moved on with the discussion,
and he has already starting talking about Colton, and whether or
whether not he gave someone his idol.
The
other players are laughing over Alicia's story that Colton didn't give
his immunity idol to anyone on the way out. She claims
(truthfully) that he wanted to keep it.
So
Probst turns to Kat. To see if Kat believes that Colton
actually hung on to his idol and that he didn't give it to anyone.
In theory, this should work, because on paper you'd think the
part of the discussion about what the fuck an appendix is would be
over. For a normal person, that topic would have been over about
ten minutes ago.
But Kat is not your typical person, of course.
"Kat, to be fair, this wouldn't be the first time in Survivor that
somebody lied."
"Touché."
Note: This is not, in any sense, why you would respond to a question with "touché."
"Definitely."
Awwwwww
And now we get back to the part of the conversation that Kat is far more interested in.
"It's all suspicion. I mean, they could possibly
have it, they could not."
"I don't know, I'm kinda more worried about the... uh..."
"the... uh... appendix
thing."
"And how do I not get mine hurt?"
And now we get my favorite picture of the scene.
Two people laughing. And one person in the middle pretending to laugh but actually being dead serious.
Probst can't believe this is what their dramatic Colton scene has turned into
And now we get to the meat of what her concern is over her appendix.
"Everyone else has got theirs out."
Yep. Apparently everyone else has had theirs out except for Kat.
She's a ticking time bomb
Who's to say she isn't going to catch appendicitis from someone?
Oh my god. I love you, Kat.
And with that, Probst has officially lost control over Tribal
Council. The evacuation scene is done. The Colton scene is
done. Now it has simply turned into a scene about Kat and how she
just learned about her appendix.
Any last words to sum up the discussion, Kat?
"But, um, It's gonna be interesting to see what happens."
Thanks Kat. And a hearty big touché to you, as well.
Wow, that's a really big moth over there
So that's that. It's just a cute little moment in One World.
But as I said before, it is one of those scenes that was destined
to become a Funny 115 entry the minute I saw it. Like Heidi
Strobel would have said at the start of Amazon, I saw Kat learning that
she had an appendix and I just knew instantly.
Only to be topped by the time she watched Palau and she was scared she would get testicular cancer
Kat wandered through One World like a five year old discovering things
in a science museum. It was adorable at times, it was super
cringey at times, and my god
some of the stuff that came out of her mouth was just absolutely
incredible. And P.S. don't worry, we'll get to her famous BLT
quote in a different entry. That one is probably my favorite.
My god, this sandwich has BREAD around it!
Kat
wasn't one of the all time Survivor greats or anything, but thank
goodness she was there for most of the season in One World.
Because without her (and to a lesser extent Tarzan), there is
almost nothing interesting going on the minute that Colton leaves.
That has always been the major problem with a season like
One World. The end of the season is so predictable, and it's so
boring, that you need a Tarzan stumbling around using strange
words, and you need a Kat bouncing around like she's just
happy they let her outside for recess. Without those two
wildcards, that season would be almost unwatchable.
So here's to Kat. And here's to her newly discovered appendix. Long may they both wave.
P.S.
** Thank you to Cory Gage
for the Robbbb Zbacnik/FUBC picture
**
