The Funny 115 - The Third One

#78. There's Something About Marty
Nicaragua - all season long

Hey Na Onka, I have a question for you.

What do you think about Marty Piombo?  You know, that guy who played with you on Survivor: Nicaragua.

Now, now. That's not very nice.  Tell me, what do you REALLY think about Marty?

"I don't like him."

Awww, that's a shame.  He seemed like a perfectly good guy to me.  After all, he was one of the best players and best characters in Nicaragua, was he not?  And didn't he have that awesome lie where he claimed to be a professional grandmaster chess player?  

I beat Guillermo Vilas twice, motherfucker!

If there's a Survivor character who is as awesome as Marty, why wouldn't you like him?

I'll tell you why I don't like him, fool.

It's because his hair.... and his walk...


Well okay then.  So Marty's hair and his walk suck.  Thank you for your generous insight, sunshine.

And keep that idiot Fabio away from me too

Or I'll rip his damn arm off like that kid in the It movie

Alright, that's enough.  Thank you Na Onka.  Let's get back to our friend, Marty.

So Marty's walk sucked.  And his hair sucked.  At least, according to Na Onka they did.  

That's a real quote, by the way.  Na Onka really did say that about Marty in episode nine of Nicaragua.  Which is great for me, because it ties in perfectly with this entry.

Because my hair really does suck

As for Marty's walk, I can't really say much about that.  Not because I don't want to, but because Marty's walk will get its own entry much later in the countdown.  Trust me, that one is going to be a fun one.

No, this entry is about Marty, and his magnificently bad hair.  

Which some have called "a cross between that kid who got electrocuted in Jurassic Park, and my lawn"

Which others have called "a cross between Hawkman, a centipede trying to do jazz hands, and Barry Gibb"

Which even Marty himself has referred to as "a cross between Sonic the Hedgehog, and Bart Simpson."

Yes, it's time to go through the history of Marty Piombo's fantastically bad hair on Survivor.  And pick out our favorites.

Better not let the kids read this one, it is going to get ugly.

First off, before I assemble my thirty favorite Marty "hairstyles" in Nicaragua, let me start you off with a little moment that happens in the opening episode.  Because this scene is fun if you know what comes after it.

It's episode one of Nicaragua, and look at that.  Marty is a perfectly normal looking guy.  And he has perfectly normal hair.

This isn't going to last long.

Because two minutes into the episode, Jeff immediately throws them their buffs

And a buff will forever be Marty's enemy

Speaking of buffs, what IS the proper way to wear a buff, anyway?

Old Decrepit Dan has a suggestion

But better than that, Jimmy Johnson has a suggestion.  And since Jimmy is the beloved celebrity coach of the Dallas Cowboys, when HE has a suggestion, you might want to listen to it.

After all, this guy is a winner, and he knows what he's doing.  You're supposed to wear your buff on your head.

Thanks, Jimmy!  Great idea!

Although if Marty had been a little wiser about the whole thing, perhaps he would have been better off listening to the FIRST thing Jimmy said when they first got the buffs.

"I'll have to mess up my hair."

"It's gonna be messed up for a while anyway!  Ha ha!"

Oh Jimmy.  You don't know the half of it.

A cross between a hedgehog, 1970's shag carpeting, and a Q-Tip.

So anyway, that's that.

Marty squeezes his hair up inside a tight blue fabric sphincter...

Oh honey, no

And from here on out, that exploding gray thing on top of his head will always be a disaster.

Oh come on.  What's the worst it could get?

Oh I'll show you exactly what's the worst it could get.

At this point, I now give you:

 aka Why Marty's Hair Sucks (tm Na Onka)

Son, next time ask John Madden for your hair tips

Here we go.


The "I Just Woke Up, Don't Fuck With Me"


"Bill the Cat"


"The Alpine Ski Jump"


"The Soft Serve Cone"
aka "Surfing Marty's Head is Hali's Number Three Passion in Life"


"The Crown of Thorns"


"The Indian Chief"


"The Devil's Horns"


"The Big Bang"
aka "The Explosion"




"The Hangover"


"The Alpaca"


"The Really Really Flat Top"


"McMurphy After They Gave Him a Lobotomy"


"A Broom"


"A House Divided"


"The Dandelion"


"My friend Ryan's shoelace"


"The Hiroshima"


"Grandma's Pubic Mound"


The "Guess Which Side I Slept On Last Night"


The "I Hate Mondays"


"The Tommy Boy"


The "Why Does Jimmie T Always Want To Pose Next To Me?"


The "I give up.  Fuck it.  Survivor is hard."


The "Looks Like I Picked the Wrong Week To Stop Playing Chess"


"The Big Ern"


"The Isosceles"


"The Majestic Peacock"


The "Scott Hamilton Spinning Around In a Circle"

And the number one greatest Marty hair disaster during Survivor: Nicaragua...


"This Bird"

And so there you have it.  One of the funniest running sight gags in the history of Survivor, featuring one of its more underrated fun memorable characters.  


In fact, what's funny about this entry is that it's not only smart asses on the sidelines like me who have noticed Marty's hair over the years and who have loved to poke fun at it.  The players in Nicaragua liked to poke fun at it too.  Just check out this scene from episode five of Nicaragua, in which Brenda on La Flor notices Marty with his crazy hair looking like he just rose from the dead.  This is one of those fun little moments from Nicaragua that make it such a goofy little season.

It's episode five, and Marty walks past La Flor before a challenge

Brenda (giggling):  "Look at Marty.  He looks rough."

All the La Flors start giggling

I can't believe I'm losing Survivor to a guy named Fabio

Here's another great thing about Marty's hair.  Aside from it just being funny as shit whenever he walked into a scene, it also served as a great metaphor for his slowly declining sanity in the game of Survivor.  As the season went along, and Marty slowly went crazy because nobody would work with him... you got it... his hair started to go crazy to fit right in with his sanity.  

To the point that it became hard to take a Marty scene seriously because you were always distracted by his hair.

"And that's why I can't eat Beefaroni with meatballs, man!"

Holy shit, is that a USC Trojan?


Stop looking at me, swan

And so here's to Marty Piombo.  And his hair.  Two of the greats of Survivor: Nicaragua.


He may not have won the game.

But in the end, he won our hearts.

By being the first player in twenty one seasons of the show...


To actually morph into a feather duster.

And so this is where I ask you again.  Na Onka, does his hair really suck?

Yes.  I told you, fool.

His hair.... and his walk...


Well alright then.  Thanks Na Onka.

My pleasure

P.S.  Marty's hair was not unlike this piece of popcorn.


** thank you to Cory Gage for the Brad Culpepper face tattoo pic, and to Ethan Kyle for the ski jumper photoshop.  And for all the members of Zoe's Lobster Shack who helped me come up with pic comparisons and other random visual jokes. **

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