The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#77.
The Dodgeball Target
South Pacific - episode 8
Have I mentioned before that I love Sophie?
If
you're wondering why I haven't had many Sophie entries so far on the
Funny 115, it's not because I don't think she was an amazing character.
And it's not because I don't think it was hilarious what she
pulled off in South Pacific, and how she completely ruined Jeff
Probst's dream of having an absolute sausage fest season with a sausage
fest winner.
No, the reason I haven't had many Sophie entries so far is
because... well... because most of her really
good entries are going to come later. Much later.
There's a
reason I made her the face of The Funny 115, you know.
In
any case, despite the lack of Sophie up to this point, one of my main
goals on the Funny 115 is to highlight some of the more awesome
confessionals and to focus on some of the more badass quotes in
Survivor history. And this entry is a perfect example of
that.
And so, without further ado, I give you one of Sophie
Clarke's underrated masterpieces. Here is one of her most
vicious
cutdowns of another player in Survivor: South Pacific.
Said with a perfect deadpan look of matter-of-factness on her face, as
always.
Because
Sophie doesn't mug for the camera after she pulls off a great
line
in a confessional. That's what makes her so awesome.
She just says what she has to say, like a doctor, and she moves on
Okay, so let me present Sophie's famous "dodgeball" confessional to you
in all of its glory. And then we'll talk about it.
It's the eighth episode of South Pacific, and so far the
entire story of this season has been the tale of John Cochran
And how he doesn't really fit in with the hardbody Savaiis
In
fact, this is Ozzy's face every time he realizes that if he is going to
win Survivor, he will have to team up with a guy in a sweater vest
Now,
I've written a lot about Cochran before, so I'm not going to spend
paragraph after paragraph getting into how out of place he was on a
game like
Survivor. In fact, by this point I don't think I even have to
describe
who Cochran was to you at all. At this point, all I really
need
to do is keep posting this Baywatch gif.
There. That's Cochran.
So
you have Cochran, who by all rights should be home playing Magic in his
mom's basement with his band camp friends. And you
have the Savaiis. And they have very little in common.
Like
I said, through the first seven episodes of South Pacific,
this really is the only major storyline.
Major Storyline
Cochran doesn't fit in with the Savaiis. The Savaiis don't
fit in with Cochran. There's tension.
And it all comes to a head in the days leading up to the merge.
Culminating in Ozzy volunteering to be voted out of his tribe
And putting on a show where he publicly blames Cochran for
turning on the tribe and turning into a massive douchebag
Cochran
is berated by Ozzy publicly (after days of being berated by Savaii
privately), and this will lead into the single most pivotal scene of
the season.
Guys, Ozzy is yelling at me. I need a
hug.
And, of course, the Upolus aren't buying this crap for a second.
And then, of course, there's the queen of staring a laser beam right
through all your bullshit.
We have our friend Sophie
"Эти люди - идиоты."
So
Ozzy puts on his bad acting. Cochran plays the victim and
takes
all the heat. And then we get the merge where the Upolus and
the
Savaiis finally meet up.
Hi, I'm Coach. Did you hear me say Dragonslayer a couple of
seasons ago?
Which includes this quick shot where Coach almost
snaps Cochran's noodly little arm in half.
I mean... OUCH.
And this is where we get the fun stuff.
After weeks of not really ever fitting in with the cool kids
And just sort of being a goober in general
Cochran realizes that he actually kind of likes the Upolus
He is especially drawn to this mystery man who seems to be a
master of everything he does
So Cochran starts to bond with the Upolus.
Pound it, bro
And suddenly his bond with his old tribe,
Savaii, starts to look a lot more tenuous.
Dawn cries when she realizes that Cochran is about to defect
to the other tribe
And also, because today is Tuesday and because that's what
she does
And
as both sides compete for his vote at the upcoming Tribal Council, the
competition over the White Urkel's loyalty starts to become heated.
We really need you, man. The Upolus and Jesus love
you.
You're not gonna flip on us, right buddy?
You know, Cochran, Martin Luther King says that in times of
crisis, we should avoid drawing rocks.
Cochran, if you break up my marriage I will stab you in the
head
And then, finally, in the hours leading up to Tribal Council, Cochran
finally decides which side he is going to go with.
It blows his mind that he is going to do it, but he is going
to turn on Savaii and he is going to go with the Upolus
The nerd is going to turn on all the hardbodies that he
never fit in with
Cochran knows this is the right thing to do.
But he also knows he is about to start World War Three.
Especially when Jim, Keith, and Ozzy find out about it
So he starts going around to the Upolus, asking for protection after
the vote tonight.
And this is where we involve the girl who is always going to tell it
like it is, Sophie.
Behold, as Sophie goes right to the place that no one else is ever
going to go in a confessional about someone.
Whether you like Cochran as a character or you don't, this is glorious.
Sophie's demeanor as she listens to Cochran whine that he is
going to get his ass kicked tonight
Cochran explains the plan
Cochran explains his decision to flip while throwing in a
whimsical observation about soup
What do you, the audience, think? Should I let the
Savaiis kick his ass? Or should I?
And here comes the important part.
"I hope your tribe protects me after tonight."
"Just don't let me get eaten alive."
"Cause I know it's gonna be..."
And cue Sophie absolutely destroying somebody else in a confessional.
Take it away, killer.
"You can never count on someone flipping over. You
can never know for sure."
"That said..."
"I
think I feel as confident about Cochran flipping over, because Cochran
thinks that if he switches and comes back to camp he's gonna get beat
up."
"Which is a legitimate thing for a dodgeball target to be
afraid of."
And oh my god.
I mean, holy fuck.
OUCH.
Pound it, bro!
Unimpressed
Let
me point this out right now. NOBODY says things that blunt
about
another player behind their back in a Survivor confessional.
Well, okay, mostly nobody. I mean, Courtney Yates did.
Courtney making fun of a Herzog family miscarriage
And Boston Rob did, way back the
first time a confessional like this ever showed up on Survivor,
in Marquesas.
"And Zoe. *laughs* C'mon. Without a doubt, Zoe is the
toughest guy on this tribe."
Yes,
we have seen confessionals and character slams like this before on
Survivor. But with Sophie (who will do this again, to other
people) the way she does it is kind of a brand new thing. And
I
was trying to think of how I was going to explain how she does it (and
why the way she does it is so awesome), but then I realized that I
don't even have to. Because a reader of mine named Russ
Bartlett
has already worded it in a way that is better than anything I could
ever come up with.
And so here you go. This is why
Sophie's "Dodgeball Target" slam and why Sophie's slams on other
players in general are so awesome. This is the magic of
Sophie.
Take it away, Russ.
One thing I especially
love is her delivery of that line. It's so
matter-of-fact. Like, if you were just listening to her
inflection and
not her words you wouldn't even realize she's viciously insulting him
which ends up making it even harsher. There's like /just/ a
little
bit of smugness to it where she says it, like it's the most obvious
statement in the world.
With
Courtney Yates she
often sounds aggressive or mean while she's making her jokes, but
Sophie just states it as if it's a fact and I've always loved that.
And
so there you have it. Why Sophie's insults are so much
funnier
than they should be on paper. It's because she doesn't say
them
like she is making a joke. She says them like she is stating
a
fact.
"I found Ozzy's charade to be over the top. And
somewhat pathetic."
She
never mugs for the camera afterwards like somebody like Jonny Fairplay,
Rob Cesternino, Courtney, Boston Rob, or Cochran would do.
She
just reads off her insults like she is a medical student and she is
reeling off some medical facts. Which, hey, is exactly what
she
was when she was playing Survivor! There's a reason that she
talks like this.
There
are soooo many moments during South Pacific where Sophie absolutely
wrecks someone like this in her comments, and I can't say enough about
her. She is one of my absolute favorite sneaky-funny favorite
characters of the modern era. And it is my sincere hope that
I
get to rave about her some more in a bunch of future entries.
Seriously, if there is one reason why I think everyone should
give South Pacific another chance and you should learn to appreciate
it, it is the new Queen of the Ninja Insult, Sophie. She was
never going to be a big fan favorite, because she isn't warm and cuddly
and approachable like a Survivor fan favorite (especially a female) is
expected to be. But god damnit if she isn't a lot of fun if
you
just stop and you watch and you pay attention to her.
And
again, I absolutely love the fact that she won South Pacific, and she
completely ruined Jeff Probst's dreams of a second Redemption Island
sausage fest
And as for Cochran? Well you all know
what happened to him after the famous "dodgeball" confessional.
He went up to cast his vote
And he turned on the Savaiis
And when they found out, they all wanted to kick his ass
Some of them were even disgusted by him.
But Cochran's story had a much happier ending later, in a different
season. I'll have more on that later.
For now, since this entry is about Sophie, we will end it with her.
(imagine something meaner and funnier than I could come up with)
(preferably in Russian)
P.S. I posted this exchange in the Ozzy entry, but it fits
perfectly here.
P.P.S.
I asked a bunch of my friends to think of the best
Cochran/dodgeball photoshops they could come up with. Here
are my
favorites.
And my favorite. From my friend Ryan Weiss:
This is my new favorite gif, by the way
P.P.P.S.
I can't end this without a few more quotes from readers of
mine
who love Sophie and who wanted to help with this entry.
"Sophie
is basically the personification of the good parts of Survivor Sucks.
She just shows up to say mean shit about the alpha males and producer
pets, disrespects Probst, beats his favorites, then disappears. It's
surreal that she actually existed."
-DabuSurvivor on Reddit
"The scene
where Sophie is ranting about Cochran- my favorite part is
when she says "I think he's really proud of the move he's made and I
think he still thinks that somebody will take him to the end." BEAT. "I
don't like it."
-tcsurvivor12 on Reddit
"Part of me
feels that Sophie was perfectly aware that South Pacific was going to
turn out poorly, and she showed it."
-KingOfTheUzbeks on Reddit
"Sophie is a
Survivor winner and Cochran is like the biggest
producer pet ever and she's shown calling him a dodgeball target, it's
a glorious moment that really sort of speaks for itself <3"
-Russ Bartlett
"I
almost want to see the parallel universe where Sophie loses because she
was apparently much more Courtney-like than they showed. They hid her
bitchier moments because they want to have an inoffensive winner."
-TheDemonicEmperor on Reddit
"Sophie has
zero tolerance for bullshit on a season ruled entirely by bullshit, and
it's amazing."
-jacare37 on Reddit
And,
of course, this quote, which is funny if you know that Google Ads
recently refused to advertise on the Funny 115 because they said it has
"sensitive content" and because "it
advocates violence towards people."
"A dodgeball
entry. Well this isn't going to help you get Google
ad revenue."
-John Debono
P.P.P.P.S. Oh yes. And the Coach stays Coach.
**
Thank you to Kacie Anderson for helping me with the Brad-y Bunch
picture, and also to Benjamin Lange, Aaron Conn, and Leann
Lindsley for help with the photoshops **
