The Funny 115 - The Third One

#80. The Filipino Jesus
Caramoan - episode 4

Quick, who was the best character in Survivor: Caramoan?

I mean, besides Hope

Here's a hint for you.  This beloved little guy is about four feet tall.  

He wears red.  

He's rather unpredictable.  

And you probably wouldn't trust him to go out with your sister.

No, not you Brandon.  Nice try.

Yes, I can only be talking about one of the most famous Non Player Characters (NPCs) in Survivor history.  

I can only be talking about the guy who is half woodland creature, half ladies' man.

I can only be talking about the one and only Tata, the Bushman.

A Bad Motherfucker

We only got to meet Tata for one scene in Survivor: Caramoan, but oh what a glorious scene it was.

That dude's definitely getting some bread

In fact, let's go back and recap the awesomeness.  Shall we?

Okay, so it's the fourth episode of Caramoan, and today the fans and the favorites (and Corinne) will be competing in a reward challenge.

And today's reward is going to be a big one

"The winning tribe today will win a local bushman."

"Someone who knows how to live off this land."

"He will improve every aspect of your life."

"Use him as a resource."

"Also, as if that weren't enough, he is also going to bring you a housewarming gift of a chicken."

Holy crap, bushman PLUS chicken?  Shit just got real.

The two tribes compete to balance out on a platform in the ocean.  And, just like in pretty much every challenge, the favorites win.

"Malcolm, your Stealth 'R Us name will be... The Hugger."

"The Favorites!  Win reward!"

Oh, there's a fun little moment at the end of the challenge where Shamar on the other tribe thinks that the Fans won.  


He throws a little Shamar tantrum

But in the end, the Favorites win.  And the Favorites will get the reward of a local bushman plus chicken.

"Go back to camp.  The local bushman will come to you."

Yay!  Phillip gets somebody new to nickname!

And so here we go.

Day 8.  Get ready for the arrival of Tata.

Here he comes

As Erik Cartman would say, look at it!  They even gave it a little shirt!

Brandon comes out and he is the first one to spot him.

"Hey!  Look at our little guy!"

Cochran comes out to see their new visitor, and this is why I will forever love Cochran.

He sees that Tata is actually an eighty year old gremlin

And he immediately looks at the camera

"Hey Mario, make sure this winds up on the Funny 115 one day."

And with that, Tata the Bushman has arrived.

Actual size

I don't know who says this first comment, but one of the females on the tribe sees him and she immediately anoints him with his Stealth 'R Us name.

"He's like a Filipino Jesus!"

And just like that, the Filipino version of "The B.B. Action Figure" revs up, and he gets to work.

My precioussssss

Care to comment on this, Malcolm?

"We're all really excited, we don't really know what's gonna happen."

"NOTHING could have prepared us for this little guy."

"His name was Tata."

"He's about four feet tall."

"Sixty years old."

"He's all knotted up with muscle."

"He just hits the beach and BAM!"

"He doesn't mess around."

Malcolm isn't exaggerating.  Tata hits the beach and he doesn't even bother trying to talk to anyone.  He just marches his little red pantsless body over to their firepit and he goes to work.

The Favorites have no idea what the hell he is saying or doing

Although they do get excited when they actually catch a word they can understand every once in a while

I love this shot.  I love them all looking down at him.  Keep in mind that Tata is standing up at full height as he is saying this.

Tata continues with his little Ron Popeil rice cooking demo.

Corinne tries to follow what he is saying and she has a stroke

But then, eventually, they start to catch on.  He is building them a little bamboo rice cooker.

And just like that, ta-da!  They now know how to make perfect steamed rice.

Needless to say, it is endlessly amusing having a guy who is the half the size of Brandon running around doing all their chores for them.

Especially when, every so often, he throws in a little sexy disco move

Malcolm even comes up with a more appropriate name for him than "Filipino Jesus."

"It was entertaining, more than anything.  It was just fun to watch him."

"You can only understand half of what he's saying anyways."

"He's like a Filipino Gollum."

We wants it.  We needs it.  Must have the bamboo.

Naturally, Cochran is never one to be outdone by somebody giving funnier confessionals than him.  So he sits down to cut some awesome Filipino Gollum soundbytes of his own.

"As we got to form as much of a rapport as you can form..."

"...with somebody like Tata the Bushman..."

"We got a sense of how he functions."

"And the way he functions"

"Is basically saying enigmatic little things nobody understands."

Here is a great example of that.

Tata mutters something about rigney and pinf cheese

The fuck did this little guy just say?

Then Dawn thinks she has figured it out.

"No bitching in the jungle?  Is that what he said?"

She turns to Andrea to offer her approval.

"No bitching in the jungle.  I like that!"

Which led to this great explanation by a guy named reks over at Survivor Sucks:

Tata said, "In the jungle, no vetsin."

"Vetsin" is the local term for Monosodium Glutamate, a food seasoning used in Filipino cuisine.  The term umami is associated with it, giving you a savory taste similar to the taste of seaweed.  Umami is the fifth basic taste, along with sweet, salty, sour and bitter.  In the Philippines, vetsin (MSG) is thought to have bad effects on humans and it will make you crazy.

I like how the castaways understood it as "No BITCHING in the jungle." LOL

There's no bitching in the jungle but apparently they have peppers

Cochran continues to rave about the fantastic things that Tata is doing around camp for them.

"To his credit, he created an unbelievable feast for us."

"I have no idea what the hell he was doing, but it was great to watch."

"It was kind of, you know, dinner and a show."

"And you know, actual home improvement came along with it."

Like I said, Tata is only there in the tribe for one weird bizarre little scene.  But we aren't even to the best part of the Tata experience yet.  

Because now that the work is done, that's when Word Hard Play Hard Tata can finally let his hair down.

Now he decides to bring out his pervy side.

Yes, this is the part where Tata decides he wants to slow dance with all the women in camp.

We wants it.  We needs it.  Must have the poontang.

Come on, who's next?  Who wants to let me stick my face in their chest?

I'm not wearing any pants!   Who wants some?  No vetsin!  No vetsin!

And yes.  We go right back to Cochran for this one.

"Tata's a married man."

"But that doesn't seem to impede him from getting his bump and grind on with the girls of the Favorites tribe."

Come on, girls.  Who here wants a Tata ride?

"Since he's kind of this bizarre little woodland creature, he gets away with it."

"If I tried it, I'd seem like I was some creepy predator."

And then, we get the denouement of the entire Tata experience.

As the girls all gang up on him

And they kiss him

And then we get a fun shot of Brenda as she leans over to hug the little guy.

This is my favorite part.  As she is doing this, you hear the oversexed Tata laughing out in delight...


And just like that, Tata is out of the game and out of our life.  Where he probably has to go somewhere private now and change his little pants.

And of course, you can't end an entry like this without Cochran joking about how this experience today might influence Tata's masturbation habits in the future.

Take it away, Harvard.

"The girls found him delightful.  They were all kissing him on the cheek."

"Which I'm sure will provide him with fodder for years to come..."

"In his mind and heart."

And just like that, the Survivor version of Dobby the House Elf paddled off into the sunset, and he moved on with his life

Like Kane in Kung Fu.  I'm just paddlin' the Earth.

P.S.  There was a great thread on Survivor Sucks the week after the Tata episode aired.  Right from the start, he was an instant favorite among the internet Survivor crowd.  Here are some of the best quotes from that Sucks thread about the four-foot tall bushman version of Coach.

"Tata the Bushman should have been one of the Sprint Players of the Week."

"I think Tata had more confessionals than Julia."

"LOL @ him getting more action from the women than Cochran has in his entire life."

"It's pretty sad that this guy has gotten a better edit than Hope, Allie, Julia, Brenda and Erik COMBINED."

"Cochran's reference to Tata's future masturbation was very unsettling."

"This guy needs to be voted the Sucks Icon and Representative for Eternity.  He's the most awesome thing that reality television has produced.  Let us form a religion around him and follow his teachings."
-Celtic Burn

And, of course, the most tasteless one...

"He got a kiss bukkake from the ladies!"

The mac daddy is the man who means everything to his ladies of the night

P.P.S.  Here's another random Tata pic I found on the internet.  Hope you like Young Frankenstein.

** Thank you to Michael Harmstone for the Brad Culpepper/Joe Schmo Show picture, and to Django at Survivor Sucks for the two Tata ladies man photoshops **

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