The Funny 115 - The Third One

#81. Katie's Poor Head
Blood vs Water - episode 12

Some call her "the girl who didn't really want to be there."

Some call her "the most normal person to ever be cast on the show."

Others, like me, call her "the People's Survivor", because she was always so awkward and out of place and relatable.

Yes, I can only be talking about Blood vs. Water's lovably adorkable Katie Collins.

Yay!  I finally get to write about one of my all-time favorite Survivor characters.

For those of you who have never seen Blood vs. Water, let me give you a little synopsis of how Katie (who looks like she rarely ever goes outside, and who probably wanted nothing to do with a show like Survivor), likely got cast on the show.  Make sure you pay attention to this part, because this is as funny as the actual entry is.

Remember Tina?  The winner of Survivor: Australian Outback?

Well Tina loves Survivor.  And Tina is an incredible badass.

And, well, Tina has a daughter

By the way, you might remember Tina's daughter from 2001, when she showed up as a thirteen-year old back on the Australian Outback reunion show.

Girls rule!

So anyway, there's Tina, the badass, and there's Katie, the daughter.

And one day the producers come to Tina, and they tell her, "Guess what?  We want you to play Survivor again!  But here's the catch, you need a loved one to play with you.  We will only cast if you if you can come onto the show with a loved one."

And so Tina goes to her uncoordinated and completely non-badass daughter, who, by the way, wears glasses as big as my grandfather's, and she tells her:

"Guess what?  We're going on Survivor!"

And that's how we wind up with maybe the greatest pair of loved ones in the history of the show.

Guess which one has won Survivor before

Now, I have a lot to say about Katie's experience on Survivor.  Like I said before, she is one of my all time favorite players.  I absolutely love how awkward she is just about every single time she shows up on camera.  I also love how she stands out in just about every single picture she is in.  Including her official intro shot below in the opening credits.

Where she awkwardly paddles a boat while somebody shoves a butt in her face

Just about every single picture of Katie from Blood vs Water looks like she is helplessly pleading, "Okay mom, we did Survivor.  We did it.  You won the bet.  Can I go home now?"

In fact, here's a quote from a reader of mine named Adam MacKenzie, who I believe sums it up best:  "Katie is pretty great. She is awkward in all the best ways. I love the fact that, if not for Tina and for the BvW theme, someone like her never would have appeared on Survivor. She's so out of place but bless her heart she's trying."

Probably the first thing she said when she was out of the game

As you can guess, Katie is going to show up a lot on the Funny 115.  I am such a big fan of hers, in fact, that I came very close to making Katie the "face" of the Funny 115 Version 3.  I eventually wound up choosing Sophie's face over hers (and over third place Kass) as the F115 thumbnail pic, but that doesn't mean you won't see a lot of Katie as we run down the countdown.  I feel it is only right that a character who is this awesome gets a bunch of fun little tribute entries.

Please help me

For this entry, I have chosen a scene from episode twelve of Blood vs. Water.  Where Katie is so uncoordinated and so bad at balance beams that she manages to smack herself in the head with a ball.


Okay, so it's Day 32 of Survivor: Blood vs. Water, and today the players will be competing in a balance beam challenge.  

The winner of today's challenge gets immunity as well as ice cream.  Which is good because ice cream was one of the things Tina promised her daughter if she agreed to go on the show.  It was a choice between either that or else Tina would stop paying off Katie's student loans and Katie would have to give out her cell phone number to Vytas.  Oh, and good luck if you ever want to see the family dog again.  Because Tina Wesson is a winner and because winners play to win like that.

"Checkmate, pumpkin."

So anyway, here is today's challenge.

There is lots of zig zagging involved

There are also a lot of balance beams involved

We call this the "Debbie Wanner Memorial Challenge"

Oh, and you will do all of this while trying to balance a ball on the end of a pole

Oh crap, says the girl who once injured herself trying to get out of a bouncy castle

Although here's the nice part.

Jeff knows that Katie is probably not going to survive this challenge, so he even provided a little cross where they could bury her body

Never forget

"You guys ready to compete for ice cream?" Jeff asks.

Katie is!

And so the challenge begins.

Survivors, ready!


Right off the bat it is evident that the other players are a little stronger in the balance and coordination department than our poor friend Katie.

Like Hayden, who has no problem walking with a ball

And Gervase, who passes through the obstacles with ease

And Monica, who is both an excellent athlete, and also a neat lady

And Ciera, who I bet you didn't know once voted out her mom

And... as for Katie?

Here she is, trying her best

And using impossibly bad angles

With the grace and agility of a cat burglar

It's pretty obvious that Katie isn't going to win this challenge.  That much is evident right from the start.  Especially when Gervase and Monica are already on the third section of the challenge, and Katie still hasn't even managed to cross the first balance beam.

But, of course, this wouldn't be a Funny 115 entry if she simply lost a challenge.

No, the fun is in the way she loses it

You see, Katie isn't the only person who has problems keeping her ball on her pole as she is traveling through the obstacle course.

Nearly everyone drops the ball at one point or another

The only difference is that other people lose the ball correctly

aka, they don't drop the ball when it is directly over their head

But as for poor young klutzy Katie?

Please don't look down when the ball is directly over your head like that

Oh Katie.  Oh no.

Oh dear god Velma, don't stare straight up at it like that without your glasses on

And, of course, then comes the first one.

It's just a perfect little...


Seriously, Kevin McAllister couldn't have designed a booby trap to work any more perfectly than that.  It hits her right square on the head.  You can almost imagine the little comical cartoon sound effect.

"Oh!  Katie just took it on the head!"

Katie laughs and goes to retrieve her little red ball

Katie running to go back and start the balance beam again

Now, once would be enough.  One perfect little bonk on the head would be a perfectly good character moment for a player like Katie.  After all, it is exactly what you would expect from her.

But, of course, Katie is just like her mother Tina.  When Katie plays, she plays to win.

And that's why Katie attempts to go for a second bonk

Okay, we are later in the challenge, and most of the other players have already finished by now.  In fact, Gervase has already won immunity and he has already consumed his ice cream.  At this point Katie is simply trying to beat Chris Daugherty's futility record of six hours to cross a god damn balance beam.

And while other players are still holding their ball properly, and not allowing it to fall on their head

There's Katie in the background, still staring directly up at the ball, as if trying to figure out how gravity works

And wouldn't you know it...

Here comes the ball

Crash right down directly onto

her head


Poor Katie.

I remember hearing in an interview somewhere that medical actually had to come and take a look at her after the challenge, because that ball was heavy and it HURT.   Especially that second one, where our young miss clumsyfeet took it directly off of her face.  I mean, ouch.  That one looked like it hurt.

Katie after the challenge.  Katie after every challenge.

But since she wasn't actually injured, that means this all officially became fair game for a Funny 115 entry.

And so here's to you, Katie.  My favorite young Survivor klutz.


You truly were "The People's Survivor."  And we loved you for it.

Thank you for always representing us normal ones.


** Thanks to Jordan Beck for the Ozzy/Brad Culpepper picture, and Cory Gage for the Katie black eye picture **

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