The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#81.
Katie's Poor Head
Blood vs Water - episode 12
Some call her "the girl who didn't really want to be there."
Some call her "the most normal person to ever be cast on the show."
Others, like me, call her "the People's Survivor", because she was
always so awkward and out of place and relatable.
Yes, I can only be talking about Blood vs. Water's lovably
adorkable Katie Collins.
Yay! I finally get to write about one of my
all-time favorite Survivor characters.
For
those of you who have never seen Blood vs. Water, let me give you
a little synopsis of how Katie (who looks like she rarely ever goes
outside, and who probably wanted nothing to do with a show
like
Survivor), likely got cast on the show. Make
sure you pay attention to this part, because this is as funny as the
actual entry is.
Remember Tina? The winner of Survivor: Australian
Outback?
Well Tina loves Survivor. And Tina is an
incredible badass.
And, well, Tina has a daughter
By
the way, you might remember Tina's daughter from 2001, when
she
showed up as a thirteen-year old back on the Australian Outback reunion
show.
Girls rule!
So anyway, there's Tina, the badass, and there's
Katie, the daughter.
And
one day the producers come to Tina, and they tell her, "Guess what?
We want you to play Survivor again! But here's the
catch, you need a
loved one to play with you. We will only cast if you if you
can come
onto the show with a loved one."
And
so Tina goes to her uncoordinated and completely non-badass daughter,
who, by the way, wears glasses as big as my grandfather's, and she
tells her:
"Guess what? We're going on Survivor!"
And that's how we wind up with maybe the greatest pair of
loved ones in the history of the show.
Guess which one has won Survivor before
Now,
I have a lot to say about Katie's experience on Survivor.
Like I
said before, she is one of my all time favorite players. I
absolutely love how awkward she is just about every single time she
shows up on camera. I also love how she stands out in just
about
every single picture she is in. Including her official intro
shot below in the opening credits.
Where she awkwardly paddles a boat while somebody shoves a butt in her
face
Just
about every single picture of Katie from Blood vs Water looks
like
she is helplessly pleading, "Okay mom, we did Survivor. We
did
it. You won the bet. Can I go home now?"
In
fact, here's a quote from a reader of mine named Adam MacKenzie, who I
believe sums it up best: "Katie is pretty great. She is
awkward
in all the best ways. I love the fact that, if not for Tina and for the
BvW theme, someone like her never would have appeared on
Survivor.
She's so out of place but bless her heart she's trying."
Probably the first thing she said when she was out of the
game
As
you can guess, Katie is going to show up a lot on the Funny 115.
I am such a big fan of hers, in fact, that I came very close
to
making Katie the "face" of the Funny 115 Version 3.
I eventually wound up choosing Sophie's face over
hers (and over third place Kass) as the F115 thumbnail pic, but that
doesn't mean you won't see
a lot of Katie as we run down the countdown. I feel it is
only
right that a character who is this awesome gets a bunch of fun little
tribute entries.
Please help me
For
this entry, I have chosen a scene from episode twelve of Blood vs.
Water. Where Katie is so uncoordinated and so bad at balance
beams that she manages to smack herself in the head with a ball.
Twice.
Okay, so it's Day 32 of Survivor: Blood vs. Water, and today the
players will be competing in a balance beam challenge.
The
winner of today's challenge gets immunity as well as ice cream.
Which is good because ice cream was one of the things Tina
promised her daughter if she agreed to go on the show. It was
a
choice between either that or else Tina would stop paying
off Katie's student loans and Katie would have to give out her
cell phone number to Vytas. Oh, and good luck if you ever
want to
see the family dog again. Because Tina Wesson is a winner and
because winners play to win like that.
"Checkmate, pumpkin."
So anyway, here is today's challenge.
There is lots of zig zagging involved
There are also a lot of balance beams involved
We call this the "Debbie Wanner Memorial Challenge"
Oh, and you will do all of this while trying to balance a
ball on the end of a pole
Oh crap, says the girl who once injured herself
trying to get out of a bouncy castle
Although here's the nice part.
Jeff
knows that Katie is probably not going to survive this challenge, so he
even provided a little cross where they could bury her body
Never forget
"You guys ready to compete for ice cream?" Jeff asks.
Katie is!
And so the challenge begins.
Survivors, ready!
Go!
Right
off the bat it is evident that the other players are a little stronger
in the balance and coordination department than our poor friend Katie.
Like Hayden, who has no problem walking with a ball
And Gervase, who passes through the obstacles with ease
And Monica, who is both an excellent athlete, and also a
neat lady
And Ciera, who I bet you didn't know once voted out her mom
And... as for Katie?
Here she is, trying her best
And using impossibly bad angles
With the grace and agility of a cat burglar
It's
pretty obvious that Katie isn't going to win this challenge.
That
much is evident right from the start. Especially when Gervase
and
Monica are already on the third section of the challenge, and Katie
still hasn't even managed to cross the first balance beam.
But, of course, this wouldn't be a Funny 115
entry if she simply lost a challenge.
No, the fun is in the way she loses it
You
see, Katie isn't the only person who has problems keeping her ball on
her pole as she is traveling through the obstacle course.
Nearly everyone drops the ball at one point or another
The only difference is that other people lose the ball
correctly
aka, they don't drop the ball when it is directly over their
head
But as for poor young klutzy Katie?
Please don't look down when the ball is directly over your
head like that
Oh Katie. Oh no.
Oh dear god Velma, don't stare straight up at it like that
without your glasses on
And, of course, then comes the first one.
It's just a perfect little...
Bonk
Seriously,
Kevin McAllister couldn't have designed a booby trap to work any more
perfectly than that. It hits her right square on the head.
You can almost imagine the little comical cartoon sound
effect.
"Oh! Katie just took it on the head!"
Katie laughs and goes to retrieve her little red ball
Katie running to go back and start the balance beam again
Now,
once would be enough. One perfect little bonk on the head
would be
a perfectly good character moment for a player like Katie.
After
all, it is exactly what you would expect from her.
But, of course, Katie is just like her mother Tina. When
Katie plays, she plays to win.
And that's why Katie attempts to go for a second bonk
Okay,
we are later in the challenge, and most of the other players have
already finished by now. In fact, Gervase has already won
immunity and he has already consumed his ice cream. At this
point
Katie is simply trying to beat Chris Daugherty's futility record of six
hours to cross a god damn balance beam.
And while other players are still holding their ball
properly, and not allowing it to fall on their head
There's Katie in the background, still staring directly up
at the ball, as if trying to figure out how gravity works
And wouldn't you know it...
Here comes the ball
Crash right down directly onto
her head
Kerplunk
Poor Katie.
I
remember hearing in an interview somewhere that medical actually had to
come and take a look at her after the challenge, because that ball was
heavy and it HURT. Especially that second one,
where our
young miss clumsyfeet took it directly off of her face. I
mean,
ouch. That one looked like it hurt.
Katie after the challenge. Katie after every
challenge.
But since she wasn't actually injured, that means this all officially
became fair game for a Funny 115 entry.
And so here's to you, Katie. My favorite young Survivor klutz.
OW MOM, THAT'S MY HEAD! I STILL HAVE A
CONCUSSION THERE!
You truly were "The People's Survivor." And we loved
you for it.
Thank you for always representing us normal ones.
P.S.
** Thanks to Jordan Beck
for the Ozzy/Brad Culpepper picture, and Cory Gage for the Katie black
eye picture **
