The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#36.
Mom! Stop Setting Me Up!
Blood vs Water - episode 7
"Hi, I'm Vytas. I used to be in prison."
"Hi Vytas, will you please bang my daughter?"
Yep,
sports fans, we're finally here. It's time for one of the most awkward
subplots in the first thirty seasons of Survivor. It's that time when
Tina Wesson, the winner of Australian Outback, and
notorious badass, played matchmaker. And she
tried to persuade the local bad boy to hook up with her kid.
Oh God mom, not again
This
is one of those storylines that just absolutely killed me the first
time
I saw it, because it never could have happened on any season other than
Blood vs. Water. After all, Blood vs. Water was the first time
in
Survivor history where Survivor alumni actually played against their
own loved ones.
Although, technically, "playing" might not have
been the right term when it came to what Tina and Katie were actually
doing. To me, it always felt like Tina was the one who was
playing Survivor. And Katie
was sort of just there because her mom had forced her to go outside at
gunpoint, and then tricked her and locked her in the bathroom of the
plane.
And this is what led to one of my favorite dynamics
between any two characters on Survivor.
So anyway, let's go back and relive the scene that made every daughter
watching Survivor cringe in horror.
"Do we have to?"
Yes, Katie. I'm sorry, we do.
I'm going to get me those grandbabies
Okay, so it's the sixth episode of Survivor: Blood vs Water. Laura
Morett has just been voted out of the game (guys, Ciera voted out her mom!!! oh wait sorry not yet). And the Galang tribe is just about to get hit with the first big twist of the season.
The tribes shuffle at the beginning of the sixth episode...
And at the end of the twist, the brand new Galang Tribe now looks like this.
The opposite of a sausage fest
That's right. After the twist, the Galang Tribe now consists of Vytas, the bad boy of Lithuania, and five women.
Well hi there, sailor
Now, there are three things that are exceptionally fun about this new dynamic we've wound up with on Galang.
The first is that Katie has now been shuffled onto a tribe with her mom.
For the first time in Survivor history, a mom and her kid are actually part of the same tribe on Survivor.
Tina boops her beloved daughter on the snoot
Side
note: Somewhere, Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien and her son Patrick
are reading this and they are throwing things at the screen.
NO, WE WERE FIRST, MOTHERFUCKER
Okay, so that's the first thing that's fun about this.
The
second thing that's fun about this new dynamic is that when Katie came
over to Galang, the only tribesmate she came over with was the smarmy
yoga enthusiast, Vytas.
Runs the Cobra Kai of yoga studios
Because
Katie and Vytas came over to a new tribe
together, and it's now just the two of them among hostiles,
via the
rules of Survivor that means you are sort of forced to bond. Basically,
no matter how distant you were before, because of the twist the two of
you now become best friends.
Katie (left, blue steeling) and Vytas, before the big twist
The lovebirds after the twist
Okay, so those are the first two things that were fun
about this twist. Katie comes over to boop snoots with her mom,
and along comes Vytas. Who, because he has no one else to talk to, is
basically now attached to Katie via the hip.
And that, of course, leads us to the third fun thing about this new dynamic.
The fact that Vytas is an unabashed ladies man
Yep,
that's right. If you ever wanted to see the Survivor equivalent of "a
fox in the henhouse," just throw Vytas onto a tribe with a bunch of
women. Especially when three of them are nice, kindly, middle-aged
moms, and another one doesn't get that a BLT might actually have bacon
on it.
From the MINUTE Vytas winds up as the only male on Galang, he starts working it.
"I fancy myself a ladies' man, Jeff. So this is a perfect place for me."
I'm a lady. HELP!
Oh god.
"I'm the odd man out."
"But I've found that if I'm vulnerable with women, that usually works."
So okay, here we go. Time to make yourself vulnerable, Vytas.
The Galang tribe goes back to camp after the twist, and Vytas immediately starts working them
"This is so exciting. I just love having new energy in camp!"
Vytas explains that he once spent eight months in jail because of a drug charge. And guys, I was so scared.
It really made me reflect on my life. And all the mistakes that I've made.
The moms all look on with sympathy
It also made me realize that all I ever needed was the touch of a woman. To help right my wrongs.
It also made me never want to touch heroin again
Quick, someone explain to Kat what heroin is
Also, my brother Aras is so much better than me. Aras is amazing.
Aras is awesome. I'm just a turd.
At this point, the woman all rally around him.
"No, we love you. You're amazing too, Vytas."
And from here on out, Vytas is officially in.
"In my daughter, hopefully."
NO! TINA, STOP! THAT IS INAPPROPRIATE!
Wants grandbabies
So anyway, Vytas continues his assault on the hearts of the women.
"In my experience, women love a bad boy."
"But, what they like even more than a bad boy is a newly
reformed bad boy."
"I'm putting forward the version of me that I want them to
see. It's all very calculated."
"You know something else that I really like? Puppies."
Here's my favorite part of his little shtick, by the way.
"You know what my problem is? Sometimes in yoga I just care about women too much."
"It hurts that I can't be more sensitive."
"I want the world to be a place where I can trust first."
Yes, thank you Vytas. That'll be enough.
By the way, this is where Tina decides that Vytas is now
officially the perfect embodiment of what a man should be. She has
bought his bullshit absolutely one hundred percent hook, line, and
sinker. Which is pretty remarkable for someone who once told Jerri to
go fist herself.
"Even though he's not part of our alliance, I've really come to
like Vytas."
"He's been through the school of hard knocks."
"And lots of times when people get knocked down, and they
pick themselves back up."
"They're a whole new person."
I'm guessing the first time Katie heard this quote on TV, she probably made this face.
Not only does Tina completely love Vytas as a person, she
then doubles down and loudly proclaims her love for the guy to the
world at Tribal Council.
This is her actual quote to Probst at the next Galang Tribal.
"Vytas is so much like his brother."
"Their honesty and their sincerity. They reek of it."
Oh yes, I sure reek all right
I believe this is where Tina officially decides she wants Vytas to father her grandbabies
At the end of episode six, Tina and the moms decide to vote out Kat
instead of Vytas. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's because Kat got her
head stuck in the rice container again. Either way, Vytas is protected.
Vytas lives to smarm and fight another day.
And this is where we get the cringiest of cringe scenes on the morning of episode seven.
Day 18. The day Tina officially tries to sell her daughter on Backpage.
It's the morning of day eighteen. And because of the weather, Vytas and Katie have decided to camp out down on the beach.
Instead
of sleeping up in the shelter with everyone else, the two former
Tadhanas have decided to sleep next to each other down on the sand.
And oh boy this was probably a terrible idea.
The male lion awakens next to his mate
First thing in the morning, as he always does, Vytas finds himself just caring about women too much.
And yay! Here comes Tina! Scurrying down to the sand!
Who is excited as all heckfire that her daughter might have actually found herself a new man.
"Good morning, princess!"
"You little late sleeper-inners."
Oh gawd. The face you make when your mom sees you talk to a boy.
"How are you two doin'?
Tina sees the greatest man ever, sleeping next to her awkward single daughter in the giant Velma glasses, and she's overjoyed
She immediately starts planning the wedding
Now, it was bad enough that her mom is already setting them up as a couple.
But
now Laura Boneham makes a crack about it as well. She sees
Katie hanging out with Mister Teen Dream Man Candy, and she offers
congratulations as well.
"You guys are just a little happy couple. You know, campin' on
the beach."
And Katie?
What is her response to this?
And here comes the quote that made any daughter in the world cringe in horror the minute they saw it on TV.
I
mean, I don't know as much about women as Vytas does. But do I have a
daughter. And I do have a wife. And I think I know enough about women
to know that the last thing ANY woman would want to see on national TV
is their mom publicly commenting on their love life. I mean, Tina kinda
crosses a line when she talks about this. Right?
Anyway, take it away, Mrs. Babymaker.
"I would be honored if Vytas took an interest in Katie."
"Just because he seems like such a straight up guy."
"However, the guy who gets Katie is gonna have to hit her over the head
with a club."
"And drag her into his cave."
"'Cause Katie is not a very flirtatious girl."
"But one can dreeeeeeeeam."
"I'm ready for grandbabies."
And ohhhhhh boy. Poor Katie.
Can you imagine sitting there at home, and seeing this for the first time on TV?
Can you imagine what it would be like to see you mom publicly talking about your sex life?
Not to mention... wait a second... did Tina just suggest somebody assault her daughter and drag her into a cave?
I'm sorry, did I hear that middle part correctly??
If there's two things I'm getting, it's my moneys and my grandbabies
I mean, we already knew that Tina was competitive. We already knew that Tina would stop at nothing to get what she wanted.
Never play against this person in backgammon
But man, this was one of those scenes that just absolutely makes your jaw drop.
Tina giving life advice to her daughter
Tina's
bloodlust for grandbabies is one of the reasons I love Blood vs. Water
so much, and why it's one of my favorite seasons of the modern
era. It's just such a weird, wonderfully random and bizarre subplot.
And what's especially amazing is that Brad Culpepper doesn't actually
get blamed for any of it. This one is weird and awkward and horrible
and cringy on its own, and it's all Tina. And what's funny is I
don't think she even felt bad about it. That's why Tina Wesson is
such an interesting Survivor figure.
Must. Get. Grandbabies.
Must. Kill. John Connor.
*sigh* FML
P.S. I've got a bunch of fun P.S.'s for this entry. Hope you're ready for these.
#1. First off, here's a quote from a reader named Spencer Wilson. This one just makes me laugh.
"The
silver lining of post-twist Galang is Katie being there, watching her mom and Monica fall
for his BS and make sideeyes to the camera like she's Jim Halpert."
Katie
#2. Here's another great quote from a reader of mine named Cliffy.
"For
version 3 Entry #81 on Katie's poor head, I just wanted to point out
that Katie's head is also mentioned in episode 7 of BvW. There's a
scene where Vytas and Katie just woke up on the beach and Tina was
talking about how she would be honoured if Vytas took a liking to
Katie. Tina said: "The guy who gets Katie is going to have to hit her
over the head with a club and drag her into his cave."
Ignoring the fact that Tina seems to be advocating for domestic
violence, it seems like Katie's head is fated for injury this season.
Never forget
#3. Here's a fun exchange I had with a couple of readers in one of my Facebook groups a while back.
Foxx
des Lauriers: Katie’s reaction to being eliminated is that at Ponderosa she'll have the
opportunity to hang out w/ hot dudes. And that’s just fucking fabulous.
Mario Lanza: To be fair, it's probably what Tina wanted for Katie as well.
Gotta get those grandbabies.
Foxx
des Lauriers: Two pretentious Eastern European metrosexual brothers and
a gay Bear is probably not what Tina had in mind as prospective
son-in-laws.
Mario Lanza: As you get older I’m sure your standards change.
Mario Lanza: I’m sure Tina would sell Katie on ebay if there was a
chance of a grandbaby in it.
Andrei
Vamanu: Tina was getting a jury vote, a chance at a son-in-law, maybe a
grandchild, and possibly a Mamma Mia situation out of Katie’s stay at
Ponderosa.
#4. By the way, did you know that Tina
eventually changed her mind about Vytas? Check out the evidence below.
After the season aired on TV, she decided that Hayden was the one who
should actually be banging her daughter. Not only did Tina NOT back
down from her comments about Katie's love life, she basically just
switched in a new name and said this guy would be far superior for
producing my grandbabies. Check it out.
"No, not Vytas. Vytas too much of a ladies' man."
"But I like Hay-train. Hay-train is a complete gentleman."
"Trust me, he's on my radar."
#5. Tina's change in attitude led to this, which is possibly the
greatest AMA (Ask Me Anything) a Survivor contestant has ever done over
on Reddit. I mean, you didn't think you were getting out of this
entry without hearing what Katie thought about all this, did you?
If you have the time, check out the Katie Collins AMA some day, it's one of the funniest things ever. She's hilarious.
I've even picked out a few of the highlight so you can see what I'm talking about.
#6. And finally, we end on this. Want to see the
greatest editor's joke in Survivor history that you've never caught
before? Check out this moment in BvsW episode eight, as the
editors make a subtle comment about Katie. I only caught this for the
first time the other day, and I was laughing my ass off. This is
why the Survivor editors are the best. Keep in mind this is RIGHT after
the episode where Tina claims that Katie desperately needs a man.
It's episode eight, and the tribes have just merged! Yay!
At the merge feast, the very first thing you see is Tyson unrolling
a big piece of paper. He pulls something out (a salami) that looks like
a big, thick phallus, and he presents it to the group.
A foot long. And then some.
The very first thing the editors cut to is Katie looking at this enormous phallic sausage.
And what's her reaction?
"Oh my god, I'm soooo happy!"
