The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#37.
The Trials of Chaos Kass
Cagayan - all season long
"Kass is an agitator. She loves to get people angry at each other."
-Trish Hegarty
"... and there's only so much you can take of someone like that."
-ibid
Ah
yes, and here we are. My tribute to Chaos Kass. One
of the
most polarizing characters in the history of Survivor.
There was just no middle ground with her, you either loved her or you
hated her.
Naturally,
because I'm a comedy fan, and because I love trolls, and I love
anarchy, I happen to be
one of those people who loved Kass. I loved her when she
ripped
Cagayan a new asshole. And I loved her again when she
returned
to rip Cambodia a new asshole. And, of course, Kass would be
the
first one to tell you that by "asshole", naturally she meant "Spencer."
Because
this is going to be a long entry, this time around I'm going to skip
most of the preamble and I'm going to just jump right into the
writeup. Although before I do that, there's one quick thing I
want
to mention before I get into the legend of Chaos Kass.
You
might know Kass from Cagayan. Or you
might know Kass from
Cambodia. Or you might know Kass from her podcasts. But I
happen
to know her from waaaaaaaay back in the day, when she was a
fairly
noteworthy poster on the message board Survivor Sucks. You see, you
might not be aware of
this, but Kass was one of us
long before she ever became one of
them.
She is about as old school an online Survivor fan as anyone who
has ever appeared on the show. In fact, I'm guessing she and I probably
exchanged words on the internet long before she ever exchanged those
exact same words with Tasha and Morgan and J'Tia and Tony and Jeremiah
and Woo and Trish and Garrett and Sarah and Jefra and the producers and
the cameramen and Probst and the Dream Team and Tata the Bushman and
Rupert's baby
snake and 80% of the fan base and Spencer.
In
fact, if you do a
little digging around, you'll find that Kass herself was actually
responsible for one of the most notorious rumors about a past
season that a lot of people still believe was true. I'm not
going to tell you what it was, because I don't want her to find me and
sue me, but rest assured that it involved a very infamous, um, group
activity many people believe took place in Ponderosa. And most people
only know about it because Kass posted it under her Sucks username more
than a decade ago. And she probably only did it because
she wanted to stir up drama on the internet.
Chaos Kass. Making Survivor fun since about 2002.
In any case, let's just jump right in and delve into the journey of
Chaos Kass. The queen of the trolls. The woman who understands that
everyone
else losing is the pretty much the exact same thing as you winning.
She's the most polarizing
Survivor figure since Dan Foley once played an entire season
in
blackface.
And that's exactly why I love her so much.
Oh, she also holds the record for causing the most
other players to make this face
The Trials
of Chaos Kass
aka, why Kass hated Morgan for being cuter than
her
It's day one of Survivor: Cagayan. And we are
about to be introduced to our next big female legend on Survivor.
Naturally,
like all significant figures in history, she knows exactly how
important it is to be a star right off the bat. And how
to make a big entrance.
In Kass's case, it's being shuttled in by helicopter
While doing a big no no and staring directly at the camera
That's
right. Kass's first big move (tm) on Survivor is that she
spends
the first few minutes of the game staring directly at the audience.
It's always like she's already taking us on her journey and asking us
to be a part of the ridiculousness. In fact, I've always assumed that this is
what was going through her head those first few minutes of the game.
"Hi folks. They rented a helicopter for us. Do you believe
this shit?"
So
anyway, we meet Kass. And she's pretty much just your typical,
laid-back, sweet-as-pie, American mom. You know the type. In a way,
she's actually a lot like T-Bird from Africa.
"I'm an honest person. It's who I am."
See? She's just your typical archetype. Just like dozens we've seen
before.
"I'm a cutthroat attorney, and I'm undefeated in court."
"They're thinking, ohhhh how cute. There's the mom."
"They don't know I'm probably more cunning and ruthless than
ninety-five percent of the population."
"I like to have chaos. And I like to have trouble."
"I like to see people at their breaking point in this game,
because it brings out the worst in them."
Well, okay then. So maybe not.
Look at THIS fuckin' guy
Okay, so Kass enters. And right off the bat we find out she has been
placed on the "Brains" tribe.
These are the six players who are supposed to have the six highest IQs*
in the game.
*- citation needed
The Brains
And, of course, this is where I have to again point out one of my
favorite little Kass McQuillen trademarks.
Every
time Kass sees something ridiculous in the game, she loves to look over
at the camera and share it with us. Right from the start, she is
constantly looking over at the camera because she knows the
fans
at home will enjoy whatever it is she is seeing as well. In
fact,
I'm guessing this is sort of an innate "super fan" trait, because
Cochran does the exact same thing repeatedly throughout South Pacific
and Caramoan. Cochran is ALWAYS looking over at the camera suggesting
that we enjoy something.
Next time you watch Cagayan, pay attention to how often Kass does this
as well.
Here she wants us to appreciate Spencer's
new big boy haircut
So the Brains get to their camp. And they start working together as a
tribe.
And... uh... it really doesn't go very well.
J'Tired
As
we will repeatedly see through the next three episodes, the Brains
Tribe might be the single worst tribe in the history of
Survivor. They are simply awful at everything.
Which is something that Kass figures out almost immediately
On
day one, they decide that nuclear engineer-slash-wildcard J'Tia is
going to be their new leader. So they all stand back and let her tell
them how to put together a shelter.
J'Tia explaining to Garrett what a knot is
In
any case, J'Tia standing there and bossing a bunch of Mensa
geniuses around doesn't really work. Within ten
minutes,
everyone else is already sick and tired of her.
And guess who's the first one who looks at the camera to make sure
we're aware of this?
Hi folks. You realize J'Tia is an idiot, right?
Even though she's already been an interesting character, I would say this
is where the legend of Chaos Kass is really born. It's all
because
of her contempt for J'Tia. Because from this point on, Kass starts
showing open contempt for one of her tribesmates. Contempt, I might
add, that she will show repeatedly FOR JUST ABOUT EVERY
SINGLE PLAYER IN THE GAME at one point or another.
Eventually, "thinking everyone else is an idiot" and "Kass
McQuillen" are going to go together like peanut butter and jelly.
But it all starts with J'Tia, my friends.
Never forget, it starts with J'Tia.
Kass sees that their leader sucks, and she makes an
executive decision
"Hey, can we stab J'Tia?"
The
Brains tribe's shelter eventually collapses. And then they lose the
first immunity challenge. And then everything devolves into them just
being shitty at everything, and everyone hating J'Tia.
And this is where Kass decides it's time to be blunt with J'Tia right
before Tribal Council, and tell her exactly what's up.
J'Tia, has anyone told you that you suck yet?
Seriously,
a lesser Survivor figure mighty have been diplomatic with J'Tia, and
tried to be nice to her. And maybe tried to blindside her at Tribal
without her knowing about it.
But never forget that Kass is NOT your typical Survivor figure. If Kass
thinks that you suck, she is going to tell you.
And that's why we get this awesome scene right before the Brains' first
Tribal Council.
"Honestly, I'm leaning towards you tonight."
Well alrighty then
"You do nothing. You've been resting for three days."
"It's time to scramble, probably."
And... well...
J'Tia doesn't take this very well.
J'Teary
So the Brains go to Tribal Council. And J'Tia is expected to
go home.
"J'Tia. See ya. Wouldn't wanna be ya."
And this where Kass receives the shock of her life.
The Brains go to Tribal Council that night. And Kass's best friend
David is voted out instead.
*smuff*
For
some reason, the Brains decide that keeping the unpredictable J'Tia
around is in everyone's best interest. Even though everyone openly
admits that she is both worthless and dangerous. But still, they choose
to keep her just because she is part of an alliance.
Wait, you guys did what??
Still here, Kass!
Even Probst can't believe it
And with that, we set the stage for a second round of Kass vs.
J'Tia.
RUN, COWARD! I LIVE!
Okay. So the Brains Tribe is now down to five. And even though she should be
at the bottom, Kass realizes it's not actually that simple. It's
really just Tasha and J'Tia against Garrett and Spencer. It's really
come down to the two boys against two of the girls. And since Kass is
in the middle, and she has allegiance to no one, that now makes her a
free agent.
"I guess I'm stuck in the middle now. I'm
somebody's third."
And
this is where Kass figures out one of the great strategies in the game
of Survivor. In fact, if you pay attention to her storyline, you'll
notice it's something she chooses to do time and time and time again.
She just plops herself right down the middle of two alliances. and she
makes herself the swing vote.
"I'll just work whatever angle. I have no allegiance right
now."
In this case, because the boys don't have J'Tia on their side, she
decides to go with the boys.
God keep us safe from the vote and from J'Tia. Amen.
And this is where she channels my
personal hero, Sandra.
"We can do our stupid handshake. I don't care. As long as it's not
me."
Also, where is that snake motherfucker, Jon? Can't nobody trust that bitch right there.
Okay.
So at this point the Brains Tribe still sucks. But at least Kass is now
on the winning side of the suck. So that's something, at least.
And it's helpful in her case, because then they also lose the second
immunity challenge.
Are you fucking kidding me, J'Tia.
Yep. The Brains are way ahead in the challenge, and then J'Tia blows it
all at the end on a puzzle.
J'Trying
Even worse, they lose it to this person.
So anyway, the Brains are headed back to Tribal Council.
Again.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop drinking spiked
Dr. Pepper
Kass
thinks it is going to be an easy choice this time around. She
thinks J'Tia is going home in an obvious vote. Which is exactly what
she thought was going to happen the last time.
But, as we're about to find out, things don't always go as predicted
when it comes to the Brains Tribe...
The Brains get back to camp, and they mope
And they start pitching to Kass why she should either vote
with the boys or the girls
They
don't need to do this, though. Kass has already decided.
As
she had previously decided before the last Tribal Council, it's J'Tia.
See ya, wouldn't want to be ya.
Of course, her being Kass, there's no way she can just leave everyone
hanging and not point out exactly why she's thinking this.
And so here we go. Kass vs. J'Tia. Again.
It's time for round two.
"I'm leaning towards J'Tia tonight."
"There wasn't one contribution to the challenge.
On any aspect."
Also, you have no soul and no one is missing you at home.
Hmm. So you told J'Tia right to her face that you think she
sucks. Again. That's an interesting strategy.
Careful, this is how pet bunny rabbits get boiled
And with that, let the fireworks begin!
Kass goes down to the water to have a side conversation with
Tasha
And when they're down at the water, they realize that an
angry and volatile J'Tia has now been left alone back up at camp
Kass tries to point out the danger of doing this. But no one
is listening.
"There might be shenanigans."
"No, no shenanigans," promises Garrett.
But oh no. It turns out Garrett was wrong.
They left me alone!
SHENANIGANS!!!!
Turns out there WILL be shenanigans.
The minute she has been left alone, an angry J'Tia decides to
go on a R'Ampage.
She takes the tribe's entire 39-day supply of rice, and she
dumps it into the fire
J'TRIUMPH!
And with that, the Brains tribe is now officially fucked.
Kass sees the fallout. And she basically peaces out for the
rest of the season. Well, Survivor was fun while it lasted, y'all.
Which leads to one of the most memorable confessionals of the season.
"How did we come up with the criteria for brains?"
"I'd like to see that data."
At
this point, the Brains Tribe is just one big starving hot
mess.
They are officially the worst tribe in the history of
Survivor.
And keep in mind, we're only on day six.
And what's awesome is that J'Tia ISN'T EVEN VOTED OUT AT TRIBAL COUNCIL
THAT NIGHT.
The Brains wind up at their second Tribal, and Jeff asks
them what the hell is going on
This
entire scene is awesome because it is basically the J'Tia show. Because
she has no doubt she is going home, this is where she officially
crosses the line and she goes full retard.
"Kass, where do you stand on all this?"
Why did you put me on this tribe? What did I ever do to you?
And,
of course, here's the kicker. Despite all her
theatrics,
despite all her shenanigans, J'Tia doesn't even wind up going home.
Kass opts for comedy instead and she votes out Garrett.
Why? Who knows. Maybe Kass is a reader of mine, and she just wanted to
help me write the Funny 115.
J'Tia when she realizes she still has to stay out here for a
while
Spencer when he realizes that predicting what Kass is going
to do is a bad idea
Oh, and remember how Kass loves to look at the camera?
Hi folks. Enjoy the show.
So Garrett has been voted out of the game.
And I love this shot of everyone trying to figure out why the hell Kass
just did that.
Keep that picture in mind.
We'll be seeing it again (featuring other players) much later.
So
we're back at camp now. Spencer is stunned.
Everything he
has been planning all game has failed. And now he's depressed.
And this is where we get Spencer with his head down in shame
Kass pleasures herself to this picture,
by
the way
And this is where we get a little insight into the thought process of
Chaos Kass.
"Garrett's fun to look at, but you don't wanna play with
him."
No, not that one. I mean this one.
"J'Tia is nuts but I saved her, so she'll be loyal to me
now."
The Brains actually win the next immunity challenge, in episode two, which is
astounding...
... but then in episode three, it all falls apart again. As
usual.
Because in episode three, they lose both the reward
As well as the immunity
And that means it's back to Tribal Council again
And
with the Brains going back to Tribal, that means it's finally time to
say goodbye to J'Tia. See ya. Wouldn't wanna be ya.
Here J'Tia does her impression of an accordion
Kass and her tribesmates discuss it for a while. And Kass decides that
tonight is finally the night to cut the cord.
"We need to get rid of someone who has the propensity for
failure."
And oddly enough, I don't mean Spencer.
And with that, we lose J'Tia. R.I.P.
Probst sees the Brains arrive back at Tribal Council, and he just
sighs
My dogz, what's up?
Kass, of course, knows this entire tribe is a trainwreck. And she's not
even trying to hide it anymore.
"Kass, you seem to be enjoying this."
Why yes Jeffrey, I am.
And with that, goodbye J'Tia. May the gods in heaven weep
when you pour out their rice.
AVENGE ME!
Also, please buy a vowel
Spencer, of course, knows that Kass just saved his life tonight.
Whew
And that means the young lad officially now owes her, big-time.
A fact which is not lost on someone like Chaos Kass.
I will give you this favor on the day of my daughters
wedding.
Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you
to do a service for me.
But until that day, consider this justice a gift.
By
the way, side note, want to see a great example of unintentional
comedy of Survivor? Look at which credit comes up at the
exact
moment J'Tia makes this face during her final words.
I mean, you couldn't have planned that.
Okay,
so we're in episode four now. And the story of the Brains
Tribe
is officially over. Because episode four is where the tribes
twist, and Kass gets a brand new set of tribesmates she isn't going to
be able to stand.
From here on out, she now has an entirely new cast of characters she'll
be able to torment.
Oh, but first, she has to get in one last dig about
how much the Brains Tribe has sucked
"How my team has played this game is ridiculous."
"We're not the brain tribe. We're the crap for brain tribe."
"Just a rolling logjam mess with a couple of nerds on top."
Tasha and Spencer, here's why you guys suck...
And with that, it's now time to twist.
It's episode four, and the Brains Tribe is being absorbed
into the Brawns and the Beauties
And here they are. The brand new Aparri Tribe.
Who will all grow to absolutely hate Kass over the next couple of
episodes.
Aparri Strong!
For
Kass, here's the good news about the twist: She gets to stay
with
Tasha and Spencer. Who she doesn't really like, but at least
the
three of them actually know each other already.
Hey guys, remember when J'Tia peed in our water hole?
And what's the bad news about the twist?
Well now she has to deal with Morgan
She also has to deal with Sarah and THAT VOICE
So Kass heads back to camp with her new tribe. And she spends about
thirty seconds listening to Sarah's accent before she wants to shoot
her. And she spends another thirty seconds listening to how Morgan
isn't conceited, but she also shouldn't be expected to do any work
because she's a beauty queen. And oh boy, Chaos Kass is going
to just love it over here.
WHAT THE FUCK, THESE PEOPLE ARE WORSE THAN THE LAST ONES
Kass openly wonders what Morgan's name is on Pornhub
Kass might not be able to stand these people, but at the very least the
Aparris are better in challenges than the Brains.
Because right off the bat they win their first immunity challenge.
After which, Spencer ascends up to heaven like an angel
Between their win, and the fact that Lindsey quit last night on the
other tribe, all of a sudden the Aparris are up in numbers, 7-5. And
all of a sudden, through no actual success of their own, the three
Brains are looking exceptionally good. Tasha and Kass (and
maybe sometimes even Spencer) are starting to feel like they actually
might succeed in this game.
Can you believe we might all make it to the end now?
In episode five, the Aparris finally go to their first Tribal Council.
But it doesn't matter to Kass. Because it turns
out the Beauties they have merged with all can't stand one
another. All Kass has to do is sit there, and listen to the
three of them bitch about each other, and just like that Kass has
weaseled her way into a position of power in this game. Once
again she has turned herself into an all-important swing vote in the middle.
And, believe me, Kass is as surprised by this strange new development
as anyone.
How did they let HER become the one who's in power again?
"I guess we just needed people to boss around."
"The brain needed a body."
"We found our zombies, now we're in."
And just like that, Alexis is voted out of the game for not being as
cute as Morgan.
Surprise!
After Alexis goes home, the Aparris go into the merge up six players to
five. And things are suddenly looking great for Chaos Kass.
She's in the strongest alliance.
She's on the bigger tribe.
At this point, her only real competition in this game is going to come from
Tasha and Spencer.
Okay, maybe just Tasha
But that's when we get arguably the most infamous moment of the season.
I'm not going to recap the entire thing here, because I already wrote
about it in an entry called The
Sarah Sandwich, but let's just say that Sarah gets a little
too brazen with how much power she has in this game, and how important
she is as a swing vote.
And then she starts to rub that power right in
Kass's face.
And... well... to make a long story short, you oughtn't have done that.
How do you say "fuck you" in Iowan?
Again, I'm not going to do a full writeup of how the Fall of Sarah went
down, but here are the highlights:
"We have six and they have five. If we merge
today, we win."
"It sounds so simple."
"But the best laid plans often end up sprawled out on a
murder scene floor."
"Sarah, I trust you to stay with us. But I don't
think that you will."
"Kass called me a liar."
"In my business we deal with hard evidence."
"Show me blood on your hands from voting out a former
tribemate, and then we'll talk."
Yay! We merged!
HI MY OLD BRAWN FRIENDS, I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!
"The cop's gonna flip. I don't trust her."
"She's not in the six. She's in the one."
Hey Sarah, remember me? We're both cops.
Wanna flip?
"I think I might flip."
"I will decide the fate of this game."
Sarah lays down the law who she will or will not vote for
tonight
"It's not a good idea to pick a fight with me, Kass."
"The last thing you want to do is piss me off.
Don't test me."
Oh really?
"No one in this game should have as much power as Sarah.
Who made her queen?"
"I can't even look at her. I just want to punch her some
times."
And then, of course, we come to the money shot.
"I will make the decision on who goes home next.
I get to decide."
"I know she's gonna destroy the game."
"If she's
gonna destroy the game then I wanna have the pre-emptive strike. I wanna
destroy it."
"I'm the President now."
If you're the President, bitch, then I'm John Wilkes
Booth
And just like that, it happens.
Chaos Kass does her most Chaos Kassiest thing.
But... again... not before one last glance at the camera just to make
sure we're watching.
What do you, the audience, think I should do?
So anyway, bye Sarah.
Sic semper tyrannis!
They had six and you had five. Sorry.
The Spencer-bot literally breaks down and malfunctions at this point
And behold. The shit-eatingest of shit-eating grins ever.
Oh, and here's the most underrated part of this scene.
Notice how many times Kass looks at the camera just
because something's going on that she knows we'll appreciate?
Well this is where we officially reach phase two of the Chaos
Kass Experience.
This is where she starts getting OTHER players to look at the camera.
Kass, you sick motherfucker
So Sarah's gone. And now it's back down to five
against five. And a wise man Spencer has informed her she now has zero
percent chance of winning this game.
But does Kass really care about all that?
Not really.
'Cause at this point, honey badger is here.
And honey badger don't really give a shit.
"Kass flipped, and we're screwed."
"She'll go wherever her estrogen takes her. Not where her brain takes her."
Spencer emphatically explains to Kass that she's being a cunt
Kass responds that Spencer is a loser who will never, ever, ever find love
Hey, that was good TV. Are you not entertained?
During the fallout and the arguments, this is where we actually get some of the best Kass quotes of the season.
There's actually some really good advice in here if you're a future Survivor player.
"The alliance of six let me go to the bottom."
"The number one rule of Survivor isn't cater to the person on
top."
"It's wonder about the person on the bottom."
She and Spencer continue their little bash-fest for a while.
"Kass, you talking strategy. Just stop. It's an
embarrassment."
"It's an embarrassment. Seriously."
"Well, you just got out-strategized."
And then we end with one last little short burst of Kass giving life advice.
"I pissed off five people, but I made five friends."
"The pissed off people are gonna get over it."
Which concludes with why Chaos Kass can be so incredibly infuriating to play with.
"Everybody's mad I messed up their game."
"Because I'm playing MY game."
And okay. So that's that.
Suffice it to say, Kass is certainly not anyone's best friend at camp right about now.
And this, of course, leads us into the NEXT big Chaos Kass fight.
I'm not conceited, but Kass your back is too close to my bosom
Yep,
that's right. She's already taken on J'Tia. She's already
taken on Sarah. She's already taken on Spencer. She's
already pissed off every Survivor nerd on the internet who listens to
podcasts and claims to be an expert on strategy. But now it's time
for the big one.
Now it's time to take on Queen Morgan.
Oh I'm sure THIS is going to go well
So Morgan and Kass got in a little tiff last night after Tribal
Council. Apparently Kass did something big like ruin Morgan's game by
turning on their alliance of six. And apparently Morgan said something
snippy about it afterwards. And apparently Kass wasn't very happy about that.
And this leads us right into this little flare-up the following morning.
Tony asks if anyone on the tribe has gone to get water
"Maybe Morgan can go get some," Kass helpfully volunteers.
Tony asks if Morgan is actually around.
To which Kass points to the lump lying down in the middle of the shelter.
Ha
ha. Sorry, I've always just loved that line. "Yeah,
she's in her usual spot." Oh yeah, she's laying there like a sack of
dog shit like she always does.
By the way, here's the fun part of this entry. Remember how I used the Jenn Brown Care-O-Meter back in my Why Doesn't Jenn Care entry?
Good times
Well get ready for it, because it's back. At this point in the
game, it's time to break out the old Care-O-Meter once again. Only this
time, I'm going to personalize and make it specific to Kass.
There, that's better.
So anyway, Kass just called Morgan out for
being lazy and for contributing literally nothing to anything. Which
means she has officially arrived at about here on the old Kassometer.
She has reached the level of the Erik the virgin in China
Morgan, of course, hears Kass call her out in front of everyone.
And she is none too happy about it.
Morgan springs into action
Sorry, I mean Morgan eventually springs into action
"I don't see how Kass asking in her rude way wants me to go get her water."
First off, that wasn't actually a sentence, Morgan.
"Stop being rude to me."
"Anything I say is gonna be in a rude way because you've been being rude
to me"
With that, Kass drops the mic and she walks off. As L.J. celebrates all the fireworks in the background.
Morgan, of course, isn't used to people actually being mean to her. And she shoots Kass the finger.
And this leads to one of the best back-to-back confessional wars of Survivor: Cagayan.
Kass does tend to have this effect on people.
"Kass has been ignored and made fun of all her life. She should be used to this"
"She's just a bitter, ugly old lady."
"This sounds really conceited but..."
"I'm cuter than her. I've always been cuter than her."
Okay, so the prosecution has laid out its case. Kass sucks because Morgan is cuter than her.
Does the defense have anything to say in rebuttal?
"I'm fairly certain Morgan is in a constant state of center of the
universe."
"She's like an old dog."
"You know how you have like a fourteen year old dog that
you're just keeping around because you love it?"
"You don't mind that it pees on the floor, and you have to go
feed it."
"But all it really does is sit there."
"That's Morgan."
Well all right then. Thank you, Kass.
Has scabies
So Spencer hates Kass at this point. Morgan hates Kass at this
point. Pretty much everyone is starting to hate Kass at this point.
Kass even gets one more frustrated player to look at the camera!
The only one who seemingly doesn't
hate Kass at this point is Tony. And that's only because she is always
so stone-faced and he can never get a read on her. She baffles him
because he is never able to predict what's going to come out of Chaos
Kass's mouth.
For a player as perceptive as Tony, that bothers him.
"Kass has no facial expressions. I can't read her."
"She's inscrutable. She's a stone face."
Kass McQuillen (left?)
And so this is just how it's going to go for a while.
Kass
is in the majority. There's not fuck-all anyone can do about it, even
if they wanted to. And that's just the way it is going to be.
Hi folks. Hope you are enjoying the Chaos Kass experience.
And this is where we get a fun new wrinkle in her storyline.
Because this is where Spencer comes groveling back to her again.
Groveling for forgiveness.
Just days after the Sarah vote.
"Hi Kass, you're the greatest. Would you like to be part of our alliance again? I'll make you a bracelet."
Just like she knew that he would.
"I knew they'd forgive me. I knew they'd get over it."
"'Cause there will be many more betrayals."
So Spencer comes to Kass, practically begging on his knees.
And this will be the relationship they'll have for the rest of the game.
A penitent man kneels before God
And again, this is just how it's gonna be for the rest of the
game. Spencer is now officially Kass's little bitch. And
Kass is just gonna do whatever she wants, because that's what she does.
She is an admirer of chaos.
"But that's the way I am in the courtroom too. I do trial by
ambush."
"It's not a recommended strategy by legal authority. It's
probably not a recommended strategy by any Survivor authority."
"But I love the ambush."
Oh, and as for Queen Morgan? The one who was yelling at her this morning?
"Morgan is annoying. And she's a bitch."
"She's just extra luggage we're carrying around here."
Which means... when we go to the next Tribal Council...
The whole season has officially now become The Chaos Kass show.
"The wind changed direction at the last vote, Jeff. That's why Sarah went home."
"Obviously I was the wind that blew through."
"And this is the problem with keeping Kass around, guys."
"She's unpredictable. You don't know what she's gonna do."
And with that, see ya later fourteen year old dog. It's been nice knowing you.
Like Old Yeller. One quick shot to the back of the head.
When you just cut a bitch
Naturally, Kass is the only person Morgan wants to talk about in her final words.
My guess is Kass is never gonna get a Christmas card from her.
"Kass is a child."
"Grow up. You're forty. Get over it."
And with that, let the chaos continue.
Have I fought yet with you, Trish? Well if I haven't, get ready.
The next few votes feature a few minor players getting voted out of the
game. Kass doesn't really have all that much to do with it. Although it
is fun to watch the jury react to her every time she opens her mouth.
"This is a rough game, Jeff. You can't play this game and not get a little dirty along the way."
But she basically just sits back and lets all the super powerful
players take a run at each other for a while. While she just lays low,
relaxes in the hammock, stirs up random drama between people along the
way, and enjoys the scenery.
Although she does have this very Kass-like moment at the beginning of episode ten.
It's right after Spencer plays his idol incorrectly at Tribal Council and wastes it.
"I knew you had the idol all along, Spencer."
"It was obvious because you're usually much meaner to me."
Kass then doubles down by throwing shade at, like, ninety percent of the internet Survivor fanbase.
"Like a typical twenty one year old male, there was no way Spencer was gonna give up that idol."
"I mean, what is the most selfish beast on the planet?
A college-age male."
Oh that's so going to get you a downvote on Reddit
There
aren't too many more significant Kass moments until the end of the
game. But I'd be remiss if I didn't point out this little gem.
Where Probst actually calls her out at the food auction for being such a ginormous troll to everyone.
Kass wins the biggest steak sandwich you have ever seen in your life
Spencer sees this, and he's in agony
Loves steak
Woo
Kass goes back to her seat, and she makes a plea that she'd love to
share the world's greatest sandwich with everyone. Oh, but if
only she could.
I love this little moment. It's so cute.
"I wish I could share. Can I share it?"
"It's so good you can't. That way you can say you want to."
Sorry guys. I tried.
Naturally,
we can't have a moment like this without at least one last little dig at her favorite fuzzy-headed punching bag.
"Here I am eating a giant meal."
"And I got to see Spencer have the TRUE dejected look, that
I've come to know and love."
"And expect from him."
Okay, so we're now down to the final six. We've officially reached the end of the game.
Not surprisingly, Kass is still here.
Come and get me, douchebags
Also not surprisingly, Kass is now angry about something.
Hey I just realized something. Tony, you're a huge asshole.
You
see, Kass hasn't managed to get in a fight with Tony yet. And if she
wants that win on the Kass Bingo Card, she officially has to be in a
fight with every single player in the game.
So as we get down
to the final six, and she begins to get sick of Tony and his little
asshole mannerisms, this leads into one of the single most entertaining
fights in the history of Survivor. In fact, most of you already know
this one as "The Llama Fight."
Here are the highlights from Tony vs. Kass, if you don't remember them.
"If anyone crosses mob boss Tony, they get the cement shoes and thrown
in the pond."
"Tony blindsided me at the last vote. He changed his vote without telling me."
"I believe they didn't learn the lesson from when I flipped from my
other alliance."
"Which was don't leave someone out."
"I don't like to be the one slack-jawed at Tribal Council."
Tony starts bragging about how bad he fooled everyone. And how he pulled off a blindside.
Tony, in mid-run
Kass can't stand all his gloating, so she finally lays into him.
"Tony, I know you're feelin' proud of yourself right now, but you don't have to act like that."
"You know what? You're getting really old here."
"You're kinda being a jerk."
From here on out, Kass and Tony will be at each other's throats for the rest of the game.
"What the hell am I thinking, sticking with this person?
It's stupid."
"Play your game, and I'll play my game."
"Cause I'm done with him."
The next morning, Tony is talking about Kass behind her back, to Spencer. And she overhears him.
This doesn't go over well.
You know, Spencer, maybe if you actually talked to a girl every once in a while...
And ohhhh boy. Here we go.
"He's telling the boys that I'm a bitch, and he's gonna get me out."
"Apparently he's getting more stupid every day."
Kass
confronts Tony over this. And Tony doesn't actually know what she's
talking about, because he has A.D.D and he doesn't remember.
Tony tells Kass to shut up, because she's delusional
"I expect that out of him."
"Because he's an idiot."
And here we head into what is basically the two of them having a slap fight.
"She's a nutjob, man. She just looks at me with that stupid
grin on her face."
"How old are you? Forty, you said? You act like
you're a four year old."
"That's why I'm composed and you're not."
"Hopefully in the next two months you'll do a little growing. Before you
actually hit forty."
"Remember, I'm not the one having a tantrum."
By the way, I'd be letting you down as the author of the Funny 115 if I didn't point out that this:
Looks exactly like this:
But that's none of my business
Oh, and here's the greatest part of the Kass vs. Tony fight.
If
you were ever writing a screenplay, and you wanted to write realistic
dialogue between two characters, just study this scene.
This is like watching the Lincoln-Douglas debates.
"You gonna vote me out, Kass?"
"Yep."
"Do it."
"Okay."
"Do it."
"I will."
"Nuh uh, cause I got a special idol."
"You got a special idol?"
"Yep."
"No you don't."
"Yep."
"Nuh uh."
"Yuh huh."
"Your mom."
So anyway, perhaps the relationship has devolved.
Fuck Tony
Even though Kass can't stand Tony, she decides at this point that maybe
she actually might want to just take him to the end. Because this
douche might be the only and only person she can actually beat at this
point. And this is where she lays out the question that many of
us have wondered for years. Could Kass have actually beaten Tony in a
jury vote? Because she brings up an interesting point here.
"Is Tony our Russell?"
"Who maybe makes it to the end and thinks he's God's gift?"
"And everybody else is like, you're a total douchebag."
In any case, Kass decides not to target Tony at the final six vote. She
decides that she wants to keep him around. She decides to take out one
of her fellow Brains instead.
She votes out Tasha.
Thus, shitting on Spencer once again in the process
And now that we're down to the final five, Kass suddenly changes her tactics.
Now that there are only five people left in the game, she starts to direct her ire at Tony's BFF, Trish, instead.
Which, um, isn't going to go over very well
Kass, do you have anything nice you can say about Tony and Trish?
"Tony's the alpha male out here, and Trish is the female."
"They're like a couple of baboons."
"I'm surprised she's not picking ticks off him right now."
Jesus Christ, Kass.
She has officially reached Jenn
And here is the scene where Kass finally crosses the line and officially gets Tony to speak llama.
Tony forgives Kass and promises to take her to the final three
Yay! We're actually friends again.
Then Kass turns right around and tells Woo that Tony has no plans to take him to the finals anymore.
Why?
Well because she's Kass and fuck you, why not.
Hi Woo, Tony just replaced you with me in his alliance. I thought I should tell you.
"He swore on his wife and baby that he's taking me to
the final three now."
Tony hears that she's stirring up trouble again, and he goes ballistic.
"Kass, why? Why do you do this?"
"I tell you things in secrecy and you spread them?"
"At this point in the game, you want as much paranoia as you can stir up."
And here comes the llama part.
"So our deal's off, Tony then?"
"Hey guys, everyone's allowed to talk to Tony. But no one's
allowed to talk to each other."
"I'm sorry, I don't talk llama."
"I'm supposed to talk llama to you."
*Tony imitates a llama apparently having a seizure*
I'm not going to say too much about the actual noises he
makes, because that's going to be a much higher entry later on the
countdown, but yeah, at this point I think it's safe to say that Chaos
Kass has driven EVERY. SINGLE. PLAYER. IN THE GAME. absolutely crazy.
Mama, she's being so mean to me!
Okay.
So we're just about to the end of the game. Sorry that this entry has
gotten so long. It's just that Kass gives you so much goddamn
material.
By the way, remember how I mentioned Kass was now walking around saying so much shit about Trish?
Trish. The tick-picker.
Well it's time for that trash-talking to come around and catch up with Kass and bite her in the ass.
You know how Trish is the only non-Woo person Kass hasn't actually fought with yet?
All that's about to change
Right after the final five immunity challenge, Trish confronts Kass the minute they get back to camp.
"Kass, do you think I'm stupid? Or do you think I'm deaf?"
"What?"
"Why would you talk about me when I'm five feet away??"
Trish lays out exactly how Kass tries to always stir up shit between people.
She explains why Kass is the single most infuriating player in the history of the game.
"Kass always plays both sides. Then, amazingly, she's the victim."
"Go find someone who's gonna listen to your victim world today.
Cause I'm not."
"You always have that fucking, ugly, shit eating grin on your face."
"You think you're gonna win everything. AND YOU'RE NOT!"
Okay, thank you.
Anything else you'd like to add, Trish?
"You're a vicious and cruel human being."
"And everyone sees it except for YOU."
Wow, that was harsh.
But at least you know Kass will have the maturity to just let it slide and not say anything mean about Trish in return.
"She looked like fricking Skeletor with her big blue eyes popping out."
"And her skeleton finger waving in my face."
"Getting thrown under the bus is part of the game, so get
over it."
Well, okay.
Loves Tony
So we're just about to the end of Kass's storyline.
I
mean, she said what she needed to say about Trish. Pretty much
everything is out in the open now. It's not like this is going to
come up again at Tribal Council.
Right?
"The minute we got back, Trish railed into me like a frickin' wild
skeleton blue-eyed banshee."
Even Probst is shocked by that one.
"What was that again?"
"I don't even know what I said, but I'm sure it was accurate."
"She was, like, yelling at me, and showing her capacity for
hatred."
"Kass likes to be a troublemaker. But then she doesn't like
conflict. She will always play the victim."
"She'll sit back and say, but I didn't do anything. Everyone
is being so mean to me."
"She has a fight with everybody. Almost every single day."
What, me?
Here's my favorite part of this scene.
"Kass, does any of this surprise you?"
"Well, I didn't predict that psychobitch would come out at me today."
"She just sits there with the same grin on her face."
"Mad, happy, sad, crying, whatever. Same look."
"Look! There it is."
Then there's some more llama talk here. Which I'll get into later in a different entry.
And with that, we say goodbye to Skeletor Trish.
"I suggest a book on self-awareness. It will be helpful for you in the
future."
Note: Kass actually took this advice when she posed for her picture for Cambodia.
Now that is a world-class troll, ladies and gentlemen
And then Trish makes this face, which will go down as one of the all-time greatest portraits of Survivor hatred, ever.
And of course Kass is the picture of maturity as her new hatred rival is voted out of the game.
Bye Trish
Kass claps
FUCK yeah!
Eat shit, Kass.
And, uh, this is a first.
This is the point where even Jenn Brown starts bowing down to Kass for just utterly not giving a shit
And again, that's the story of Chaos Kass.
There is literally no one new she can fight with.
There is literally nothing bad can she continue to say about any one of them, because she has already said everything.
"Tony didn't think that people were capable of disliking Trish."
"When in reality I'm pretty sure everyone dislikes Trish."
THANK YOU, Kass. That will be enough.
So anyway, she breezes through the finals. And she even has a couple of nice, happy moments.
My husband's here! Fuck yeah!
"This is a big deal. I might cry."
"Damnit, I'm not supposed to be..."
"Where's my devil horns??"
*laughing*
She even lays out an argument that would later be echoed by the Spokesperson For All Women Everywhere (tm), Angelina.
"I came out here and I played like a man, and you can't fault me for that."
"If I was a man, and I made all these same moves, they'd call me
strategic."
"But because I'm a woman, I'm a bitch."
"When I get in front of that jury I'm just gonna say, think about it, girls."
"You wanted me to come out and be your momma? Or you
want me to come out and win?"
"What's the better role model?"
At the end of the day, Chaos Kass doesn't wind up winning Survivor.
She does win an immunity challenge though
In one of the greatest challenge comebacks in the history of Survivor
KASS! WINS IMMUNITY!
I got a rock :(
And she is able to finally vote out the Boy Wonder, Spencer.
"To lose to a brain-dead weasel like Kass?"
"That's the most humiliating way I could have lost today."
Enjoy loser lodge, dweeb
*bends neck back really far*
*smuff*
But at the end of the day, her dreams are dashed when, at the final
three, Woo makes one of the dumbest decisions in the first twenty-eight
seasons of Survivor.
In his own words
Kass knows it's gonna happen, too. She can see it coming the minute Woo wins that final three immunity challenge.
Kass loses immunity. The final choice is going to be all up to Woo now.
Woo's gonna do something dumb, isn't he?
Kass, care to weigh in on what you think Woo's gonna do tonight?
I mean, at the very least, you haven't talked any shit about Woo yet.
"Woo is like Fabio, the winner of Nicaragua."
"He's a cool surfer dude who's just been like..."
"DUUUUUUDE! AAAAAWESOME!"
"COOOOOOOOL!"
"What do you want me to do??"
"How do I spell their name??"
"It's horrifying. The person who hasn't made a decision all game is in
charge of MY FATE!"
Cool. Awesome. How do you spell her name?
And... well...
That's exactly what happens.
And that's why we'll never find out if Chaos Kass actually could have ever won a jury vote.
God damnit, Woo
And so there you go. My tribute to Chaos Kass. One of my all-time
favorites. And one who I'd argue should have been one of your all-time
favorites. It amazed me that it took so long for most of the
fanbase to actually come around on her.
Thanks for playing, Spencer!
Kass might not have been the best player in the world. She might not
have been the nicest player in the world. But come on, how can you not
love a player whose kid did this when Probst interviewed her once in
the audience?
Here's a message to Trish from the McQuillens. Suck on that, Skeletor.
Thanks for the memories, Kass!
