The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#51. Leif Explanates it All
One World - episode 5
Have you ever seen a Survivor contestant who just didn't really have anything to say?
No, Purple Kelly, I'm not talking about you. But don't worry, we'll get to your legacy soon enough.
No, in this case I'm talking about Leif from Survivor: One World.
Who you might remember because of...
Well...
Well, um, okay, there's that
And then you might also remember him for...
Uh...
Um...
Wait, wasn't there that time that he...?
No? Well what about the time that he....?
Well shit. Is there really NOTHING Leif did the entire rest of One World?
That's
bullcrap, I don't believe you.
In fact, let me go through my notes here and prove that you're
wrong. Because I refuse to believe that a player could go through
ten episodes of a Survivor season and he could manage to do or say
NOTHING of consequence along the way. There is absolutely NO
WAY that something like that could possibly happen on a show like Survivor.
I mean, you have to be wrong about this.
... Right?
Okay,
so I just went through all ten of his episodes. And let me say
that you are full of shit, my friend. Leif did PLENTY of dynamic,
fun, interesting things during his stint on One World. For
starters, let's remember his very first confessional.
Tell me this isn't one of the most interesting things a Survivor player has ever said in an episode.
"When the women saw our fire, they came a-runnin'."
"Heh heh heh."
Okay, fuck, forget that one. That one wasn't a good example.
Instead, let's dig out his second confessional. The second one had to be more memorable than the first. Right?
This one comes a few episodes later, after Leif leaked info he shouldn't have and he pissed off Colton
And here's Leif to draw us into the moment.
Be the artist, sir.
Paint us a picture through your narrative.
"Today I put the biggest ultimate foot in my mouth."
"Right now, everyone has really lost trust in me."
"I hope to regain that, cause if not, I could possibly be goin' home."
Okay. Well, I mean, that's not a terrible confessional. It just simply
states the facts. It's not like that could be Leif's most
interesting confessional in One World. I mean, he has to have
better, more interesting ones later down the road. Right?
... Right?
.........RIGHT??
What
about this confessional, a few episodes later? This is when he
has to decide between voting with his friend Tarzan or voting with his
friend Jonas. I mean, surely he must be able to draw us into what
a cruel moral dilemma he is facing at the moment. This
confessional has to be super emotional. Right?
"I'm definitely stuck in between two hard places."
"On one side, Tarzan wants to vote off Christine."
"Uh, but on the other side, Jonas wants to vote Alicia off. "
"So I'm just really stuck right now."
God
damnit, Leif, you're killing me here. Why not just say the sand
is sandy and the water is wet. You're making me look like an
idiot right now.
Heh heh heh
Okay,
so that's three confessionals so far, none of which were even remotely
interesting. And none of which say anything other than some
variant of "Hi, I'm Leif. This happened."
Why don't we move on to the fourth.
The fourth confessional has to be something eloquent and riveting and dynamic.
It has to be. Right?
This is right after Leif wins his first reward
He and his friends win a trip to the 7-Up Oasis
Where he enjoys a cold frosty one
I mean, surely the joy of winning your first reward has to send you into delirium, right?
Seduce us into your magical world of dreamland, Captain Excitement.
"When we first got to this amazing beautiful 7-Up Oasis..."
"It was just shocking to see, how, seriously..."
"A resort."
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, LEIF? ARE YOU SHITTING ME? THAT'S YOUR CONFESSIONAL?!?
Seriously, a resort
Okay,
now I'm getting pissed. That's FOUR confessionals, and every single one
of them so far has been a dud. And then there's that last one,
where he basically came off like a first semester ESL student. That one didn't
even sound like it came from a native English speaker.
Seriously, a bottle
Seriously, a coconut
Seriously, some neck boob
So that's FOUR Leif confessionals in One World, and none of them so far have been even remotely good.
Let's move on to the fifth.
No, seriously, let's go to the fifth. I want to see the fifth Leif confessional.
Oh don't even bullshit me, computer. I want to see Leif's fifth confessional from Survivor: One World.
Are you serious? He really has only FOUR confessionals?
Four confessionals?
In TEN episodes?
How is that even possible???
"Seriously, a resort."
Okay,
so let's just say Leif might not be the most dynamic confessionalist in
Survivor history. Let's say... just for the sake of argument...
that he did indeed only get four confessionals over ten episodes.
Including none in his boot episode. And none even in the
episode before his boot episode. Let's pretend that the last
confessional he ever gave on Survivor was "Seriously, a resort," and it
was two episodes before he went home.
Let's say, just for the sake of argument, that all of these things are true.
But he HAD to have some interesting sound bytes or quotes just hanging around camp that made up for it, right?
Oh shit. This is going to be ugly, isn't it?
Colton already knows what the answer is going to be
Okay,
let's look at all the interesting things Leif said or did in the
background over his ten episodes of Survivor: One World. Let's
look at the things that WEREN'T confessionals.
Well see, now that looks fun. This is where Leif flew. Whee.
This is where he wanted to find an idol. That's interesting and fun, right?
Well okay, that's a little less fun. But still, it's technically an exclamation. Exclamations can be fun.
Leif, you're starting to backslide, buddy. Don't go there again.
Crap
Damnit.
And that's pretty much it. Sadly, if you go through all ten of his
episodes, and you look for instances of Leif speaking, those wind up
being the four heads on the "Leif Manson Famous Catchphrases of
Survivor" Mount Rushmore.
"I'd love to find an idol."
"I really did it this time."
"Wow."
and "Yeah."
And
this is the point where I fully admit I was wrong at the start of the
entry. Leif really did have NOTHING interesting to say at
any point during Survivor: One World. I mean, my god, four confessionals
over ten episodes. In the history of Survivor, that's
almost unprecedented. I hate to admit it, but whoever was making that
claim that he just wasn't very interesting might have actually been right.
Although he did kind of look like Russell. He even wore the same hat as Russell.
He was also approximately the same size as Russell
He even got caught ogling somebody's boobs just like Russell. That's kind of interesting, right?
Sadly,
Leif just didn't have much of an impact on Survivor: One World. To
steal one of my favorite quotes from Mystery Science Theater, he came
to town, he touched nobody's life, and he left. And it's a
shame because, I mean, I'm sure he's a nice guy in real life. In
real life, I'm sure he has the bard's tongue and I'm sure he is the nicest,
most interesting person ever. But on Survivor, it's possible
there has never been a character who contributed less to a season than
he did. And yes, I'm even going to rank him up there with Melinda Hyder in
that category.
Seriously, Casaya
And
now we get to the scene that catapulted Leif into the Funny 115.
Because he DID have one especially fun moment in Survivor: One
World. And if you've read this entry so far, you know it's
probably not going to be a pretty one.
I
apologize in advance for this one. This quote is going to go down
as the "Jon lies, but he tells the truth too" of version three of this
countdown. Although on the plus side, I know that Darrah from
Pearl Islands is probably smiling happily tonight, knowing that
somebody said something this ridiculous that actually topped her.
Somewhere Darrah sleeps soundly tonight, knowing that somebody
mangled their English this horribly in One World. And,
surprisingly, it wasn't Kat.
Seriously, an appendix
Okay, let's get to the carnage.
Leif is about to speak extemporaneously at Tribal Council.
Women and children, please look away.
It's
Tribal Council at the end of episode five. And Leif, as usual, is
struggling to put together a sentence whenever Jeff calls on him.
As I have shown, this is a pattern the poor guy will repeat
just about any time he opens his mouth all season (which is probably
why they never gave him any confessionals.) He just doesn't speak
well when he's on camera. Nor does he really have anything
interesting to say.
"Monica is... one of the most... hardest working women I've ever seen."
Nailed it
Monica, of course, is pleased with this answer.
Good, Leif. That was very good.
Colton, of course, is shocked.
Colton
isn't shocked that Leif would suck up to Monica like that. No,
what he's REALLY shocked about is that Leif was able to open his mouth
and actually reel off a sentence.
Seriously, if you go back and
watch One World again (which I don't recommend), this is the one of the
faces that will make me laugh every time. Watch Colton's reaction
to Leif actually being able to come up with a sentence. This is how
little he thinks of Leif most of the time.
What the fuck, it can talk?
So
anyway, Leif is going around not ever saying anything interesting, and
Colton is off to the side, shooting him looks if he so much as
opens his mouth, and this is where we get to the fun part.
This is where Jeff asks Tarzan what his reaction was to the swap today
And ladies and gentlemen, let the One World awesomeness flow.
"My initial reaction was to drop my assertiveness."
"To a different lodestar."
"Which is one member of this group."
"Who would then lead the first few days of this tribe."
Colton's reaction
Probst's reaction
Leif understood maybe three different words in that sentence
So Tarzan drops his weird "lodestar" answer, and now it's up to everyone else to try to decipher it.
"So that means...?"
"Hold on. I love this. It's kind of a game."
"You decided to drop your assertiveness."
"To a different lodestar."
*crickets*
"Which is one member of this group."
"And that would be...?"
"I shant say."
"Because the game is afoot."
Recognizes the word "foot." Smiles happily.
"Okay. So you're not gonna reveal because we're in the midst of the game."
"Yes sir."
Ah. Okay. Well that was something.
Wonders what sound duckies make
Please don't call on Leif to respond to that, Jeff.
Please don't call on Leif.
"Leif."
OH FUCK. NO.
ABORT!
ABORT!
"Leif, do you understand what Tarzan says?"
Spoiler: No. I believe it's safe to say he does not.
"He's got quite a vocabulary."
And now... the quote.
"Yeah... I mean... he's definitely a very complex.."
"Very wisdom kind of guy and I..."
And that's it. That's the end of the sentence.
Thank you, Leif. That will be enough.
Oh shit, the scene is still going. Cut. Director, CUT! CUT!!!!
"Is it hard even to talk around him?"
Spoiler:
Yes it is. It's also hard for him to talk around the shelter, a
rock on the ground, the 7-Up Oasis, and that coconut tree.
"Do you find yourself needing better words?"
"Than just... "okay"?"
Barrister Manson? Care to expound?
"Yeah he definitely has a lot of big words."
"That I can kinda comprehend."
"And... but... he also helps better explanate."
"See, better explanate. Not even a word!"
Like a fucking deer trapped in headlights
And that, my friends, is why Leif was given only four confessionals.
Was just redeemed, but also wasn't just redeemed too
P.S.
In general, I don't include secret scenes in any of my writeups.
But this next one is so perfect for this entry that I just
had to include it.
First off, watch this video.
Watch Leif describe the feeling of winning his first Survivor
reward. Listen to how amazingly awkward his entire
confessional is. It's not hard to see why it wasn't included in
the episode.
Seriously, a slide
And then there's this parody of it,
which is fairly popular among the Survivor internet crowd, and you
might have actually seen before. God bless whoever decided to
hire an English guy and have him record a dramatic reading of Leif's
confessional. I have no idea why this video exists, or what the
story is behind it, but it's one of the funniest Survivor videos I have
ever seen on the internet, and I hope you enjoy it.
'
** Thank you to Tom Dube for creating the FUBC, which is just a closeup of Max Dawson's warty foot **
