The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#52.
Rupert is a Fantastic Shelter Builder
Blood vs Water - episode 1
It's the first episode of the twenty-seventh season of Survivor, Blood vs Water.
And right off the bat we see a pair of familiar faces in the cast.
We see two people who need no introduction if you know anything about the history of Survivor.
That's right, there they are. Two of the original eighteen All Stars. Two of the original O.G.s.
Two of
the most important players ever in the history of this show.
It's the beloved pirate himself, Rupert
And the first female winner ever, Tina
Rupert and Tina. Blackbeard and the Dorito Queen. Together again for the first time since...
Uh...
Since one of them voted the other one out back in All Stars.
Oops. But we'll forget that for now.
So
anyway, here they are. The two BFFs. And the two of them
are thrilled to be on a tribe together. For the first time in
nearly a decade.
Ew, get a room
However, you see that Joy on Tina's face?
Well it's not gonna last very long.
Because about thirty seconds into the game, Rupert is voted out of Survivor: Blood vs Water.
To be fair, Rupert wasn't technically voted out. He was actually...
Well...
Let's do a quick summary of what happened to Rupert just in case you forgot.
So the players are told they need to vote out a member of their tribe right off the bat
Ciera decides that voting out people named Laura is going to be her thing, and she votes out Rupert's wife
The vote for Laura Boneham is instantaneous. Also, fuck that guy.
So Rupert's wife Laura is immediately voted out of the game.
Not good
Rupert sees this and he becomes enraged. More enraged even than the time the villains ate all the bananas.
NOT GOOD!
And this is where Probst informs Rupert about the new twist in the season.
For the first time ever... in Survivor: Blood vs Water...
"If you want to sacrifice yourself and take the place of your loved one, you can."
And of course Rupert, ever the hero, knows what he has to do.
That's right. He barrels through two smaller women just like Superman would have done.
.
Like a boss
And with that, Rupert is out of the game. And officially no longer a member of the Galang tribe.
Tina, who is no stranger to being pissed, of course, is pissed.
This is even worse than the time Katie colored outside the lines in that coloring book
I am going to cut you, Poopert
And this is where an angry, competitive Tina drops one of the most famous confessionals of the season.
"I was really ticked when Rupert switched with Laura!"
"We were countin' on Rupert!"
"Rupert is a fantastic shelter builder."
"He's a fantastic fisherman."
"Right off the bat he weakens our tribe."
And that's all well and good but...
Um...
Tina?
Yes?
I hate to invoke Otto from A Fish Called Wanda here, but could you go back and repeat that middle part?
What was the middle part again?
"Rupert is a fantastic shelter builder."
Oh, really? Rupert is a fantastic shelter builder?
Yes, he makes incredible shelters.
Nobody makes them any better.
Are you sure about that?
Do I look like I'm joking?
Be careful, dude. Mom doesn't joke.
Okay then.
Well, here we go.
I
love you Tina. Everyone knows you are one of my all-time favorite
Survivor players. But in the interest of comedy, I sort of have
to call B.S. on you here.
I hate that I have to do this, but why
don't we take a trip back to a little season called All Stars.
Let's go back in time and look at what Rupert being "an amazing
shelter builder" actually looks like.
Please don't stab me for doing this, Miss Tina. It's nothing personal. :)
With the help of Wayne and Garth, let's flash back to season 8: Survivor All Stars.
Okay, so we're back in episode three of All Stars.
This is the episode where Rupert is in charge of building the Greatest Shelter in the History of Survivor (tm) for the Sabogas.
And what is Genius's plan for where he wants to build his new shelter?
"I want a dig a big hole on the beach and make us all live in it."
Why?
"
I want us to get buried alive and die when the tide comes in."
That's
right. Rupert's most famous shelter ever, the one he will forever
be known for, was the beachfront deathtrap he constructed in All
Stars.
This is where he dug a big hole in the sand.
Right next to the ocean, I might add.
Oh no, no, no.
Good luck in the first storm, suckers
And when the water came rushing in the very next night, it nearly killed everyone.
Hey guys, look at my Jame Gumb Silence of the Lambs death pit
Later that night
"RUPERT!"
"RUPERT!"
"Hey Jerri, did you see the big footrest?"
"RUPERT!!!"
For I have seen Azrael, the Angel of Death
So anyway, that was All Stars. Where Rupert dug a hole on the beach, and he nearly killed Jerri.
Artist's rendition
The Jerri Slayer
And this is where I guess I have to come back to Tina.
So Tina, was Rupert really an amazing shelter builder?
Tina?
"Well you know, Mister Mario, I can flash back to things too."
"You're not the only one with that kind of power, you know."
Okay then, fine. What do YOU want to flash back to?
"Australia. I want to go all the way back to Australia."
Fine.
Since you're a former winner I guess I'll allow it. But
only this one time, okay? Normally I don't let players control my timelines around here.
"Wayne and Garth, would you flash back to Australian Outback please?"
And I guess away we go.
With the help of Wayne and Garth, let's flash back to season 2: Australian Outback.
So, Tina, what exactly are we looking for here?
Well here's Jerri. And Jerri isn't a very big fan of Tina.
And here's Tina. And Tina just absolutely HATES Jerri.
In
fact, here's a famous scene from Australia where Tina just
passive-aggressively smacks Jerri down in front of everyone. Just
because that's what Tina does.
Jerri is commenting on the way Alicia cooks rice
"I try to stay away from cooking so I don't have to be judged."
"Bitch."
Okay,
so Tina doesn't really like Jerri. And Tina can sometimes be mean
to Jerri, and she does it in a snide, passive-aggressive way. I
get that. We all get that.
But...
Wait a minute. We have another good example of this?
In the final Tribal Council, Jerri asks if Tina regrets anything she did in this game
I regret I was part of the witch hunt when SOMEBODY thought Kel had beef jerky.
Sit down and shut up, Jerri.
Okay, so Tina could often be mean to Jerri. I get that.
But... wait. You say there are even MORE?
Here's Tina actively plotting the death of Jerri and her minions
Here's Tina literally putting Jerri into Time Out
The hardest thing about being on TV is that we don't get any sleep
I think the hardest thing about being on TV is when you have a really big nose
Okay,
Tina didn't ever say that to Jerri. BUT YOU KNOW SHE THOUGHT IT.
In fact, I bet the only reason we never saw it is because the
producers weren't able to capture it on tape. THAT'S EXACTLY THE
TYPE OF THING THAT TINA WOULD SAY TO JERRI JUST TO CUT HER DOWN AND
KNOCK DOWN HER SELF ESTEEM. The more you watch Australia, the more you catch Tina doing it to her over and over and over.
(singing) "I've been a bad, bad girl."
"What I need is a good defense...
'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal..."
Jerri finishes her song. "Thank you, thank you, everybody."
And what's the first thing that comes out of Tina's mouth right after this?
"Fiona Apple is hard to sing."
Okay,
so I get it. Tina was an absolute biotch to Jerri in Australia.
Time and time again. And you didn't really always notice
because everyone in the game (and in the audience at the time)
hated Jerri so much.
Jerri, fetch me my winner slippers
But I don't get how this ties in to Rupert being a fantastic shelter builder.
Tina, care to enlighten me?
....Tina?
Tina, are you still with me?
And ......... oh shit.
I just realized where this is going.
This entry just got really dark, didn't it?
Fine.
Okay Tina, I'll give you the last word on this.
I guess this is what Katie was warning me about at the beginning. You really never do joke, do you?
Okay, take it away, Ice Queen.
Rupert makes shelters that hurt Jerri
Rupert makes places where Jerri suffers
RUPERT, YOU DROWNED ME AND YOU SENT ME TO HELL!
I think Rupert makes faaaaaaantastic shelters.
P.S.
Want more examples of Tina being mean and blatantly just
shitting right into Jerri's mouth? Check out the commentary
tracks on the All Stars DVD
sometime. Tina spends a good five minutes pointing out how Jerri
has blemishes on her skin and how the bad weather in Panama keeps
bringing them out. I mean, that's just hardcore crap being piled onto
someone.
Doesn't get a Christmas card from either Tina or Kel
Also, you probably don't ever want to mess with Tina. It would be best to always stay on her good side.
Tina laughing when she reads this entry, hopefully :)
P.P.S. My friend Spencer Wilson and I came up with this little roleplay. I wonder how accurate this is.
4 year old Katie: "Look mommy, I made a drawing!"
"You know, art is hard to do."
"That is very brave because I don't know if I would have tried to draw it like that."
P.P.P.S.
And, of course, we end with this. Jerri's reaction to
Tina's "fantastic shelter builder" comment in real time, as it aired.
