The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#53.
Dan Gets a Nickname
Worlds Apart - episode 10
It's episode ten of Worlds Apart, and Jenn Brown no longer has any
fucks to give.
Her
buddy Joe was voted out at Tribal Council last night.
Her
only ally left is the Boss Fight equivalent of Max (Shirin).
And
at this point in the game she has more or less just given up and is
ready to go home.
In the immortal words of Saint Na Onka, Jenn has officially
reached the point of pissedtivity.
And so here we are
However, at the beginning of episode ten, something
interesting happens.
Something that, despite its reputation for nastiness and
ugliness, is about to give our heroine some hope.
Not surprisingly, it involves alcohol
With
that being said, let's jump right into one of the most
charming
Survivor episodes of all time - Worlds Apart episode ten.
Where
some bad stuff happens, and then some other bad stuff happens.
And then some more bad stuff happens. And then Jenn
says
something really horrible (yet funny) about Dan.
Dan
This
is one of those writeups where I feel sort of
guilty even
turning it into a Funny 115 entry. It's a little more
mean-spirited than most of my entries tend to get. But
because
there's a really awesome editor's joke smack dab in the middle of it,
there's no way I can possibly pass it up either. Trust me,
you'll
understand why when we get there. Just get ready for one of
the
meanest things the editors have ever done to a player in recent memory,
which fittingly takes place at the end of one of Survivor's all-time
meanest episodes.
If there's a better place for Jenn to drop her most Courtney Yates-like
quote of them all, I don't know where it would be.
Eh, it's episode ten. Fuck it.
You guys ready for this one?
Here we go.
It's episode ten of Worlds Apart, and Rodney's
alliance of seven is currently running the game
Right
now it's the seven of them against Jenn and Shirin. Which is
bad
news for Jenn and Shirin, but good news for everyone in the tribe who
is NOT named Jenn and Shirin. Because right now the next two
votes are perfectly obvious. It's going to be Jenn.
And
then it's going to be Shirin. And then after that, the
alliance
of seven will just have to turn on each other.
And when they DO turn on each other, this is the first
alliance member they want to send home - Mike
However, this is the point in the game where Rodney starts to
get a little greedy.
Rather
than wait three votes to take out Mike, Rodney decides at the start of
episode ten that he wants to escalate the hit on their most threatening
and popular alliance member. He wants to take the
golden boy
out NOW.
So he pulls his three most trusted allies aside, and he
explains the plan
We blindside Mike next. Fuck Jenn and Shirin, we
can take those two out later. We need to get rid of Mike NOW.
Will, Tyler, and (maybe) Carolyn are all happily on board
This
is going to become the storyline for the rest of the season.
Mike's in the alliance, yes, but Mike is also a dead man.
Because his alliance members want him out, and they just
haven't
told him yet.
Which is complicated by the fact that Mike overhears their
entire conversation, and he knows exactly what is coming
Oops
And
so here we are as we lead in to the famous drama in episode ten.
The alliance is about to blindside Mike, and Mike is
completely
aware of it.
And the season is about to spiral downhill very fast from here.
But Jenn doesn't care. Because right now it's time
for the food auction
Okay,
so it's the episode ten food auction. Where Will buys himself
out
of the auction, and it later leads to something bad you might remember
with Shirin. But fuck it, just skip over that part for now.
For now, just remember that Jenn wins the world's biggest
cocktail in a giant glass bowl, and she spends the next thirty
minutes slowly medicating herself into oblivion. Which, if
you
want to make your Survivor experience a lot more fun, is
certainly
one way to do it.
The highlight of Jenn's Survivor experience
For the rest of the tribe, what's coming next is about to
be painful.
For Jenn, what's coming next is about to be hilarious.
Okay, so here comes the drama.
At
the end of the auction, the players have a chance to win a letter from
home. Which is something they have all been longing for.
They all agree to bid the same amount for a letter from
their loved ones. No
more, no less. They'll all bid twenty dollars, and then
they'll
all spend the same amount. And then afterwards, if there is
some
sort of an advantage offered at the end of the auction, they'll all
have the same amount of money so it will still be open to anyone.
Sounds fair, right?
It is fair. But Mike is about to outsmart
them.
And so here we go.
Everyone agrees to go up and pay twenty dollars for a letter from home.
And then, at the last minute, Mike changes his mind and
decides not to pay
Thus ensuring he'll be the only one with twenty extra
dollars later to buy the advantage
Needless to say, this move does NOT go over well
with everyone.
Dan gets pissed and he yells
Sierra is shocked that Mike would do that
Rodney's like, what the hell? What just happened?
Even Jeff is stunned. He just goes "Wow!"
And as for Jenn?
Jenn is remembering that time Hali sat on a log and it made
a little farty noise
Needless to say, drunken Jenn might not be as invested in the drama as
much as everyone else is.
For everyone else, this will soon become the most pivotal moment of the
season.
This is Mike Holloway's big heel turn
From
here on out, Mike is going to be the biggest villain in the game, and
will be the one that everyone else in the alliance will desperately try
to get out. From here on out, no one is ever going to trust
him
again.
All the drama in the rest of Worlds Apart is going to stem from
right here.
Carolyn is super pissed about this. Even more
pissed than usual, it seems.
Dan is pissed
Tyler is pissed
Jenn still doesn't care. Fuck it.
Mike eventually relents, and he buys his letter. But the
damage is done.
And when he eventually loses out on winning the advantage
And when Dan wins it instead
It looks like it is hard times ahead for Mike Holloway.
BEHOLD! FOR I AM DAN FOLEY I AM THE CRUSHER OF
WORLDS!
So anyway, because of this moment, bad things happen when they all get
back to camp.
I fucked up with that letter. I'm in trouble now.
Yep. He's in trouble a little bit.
Dan isn't gonna be so forgiving
Rodney isn't gonna be so forgiving
Back at camp, they all accuse him of betraying the alliance.
You ruined the letters from home for everyone. You betrayed
all of us.
I did not. You bastards flipped on me first!
You better relax!
I don't need to relax!
Hey look, guys. Kitties!
And
so it continues. Everyone yells at Mike. Then it
morphs
into people being mad at Will. Then it switches to
Will being horrible to Shirin. Then Shirin
retaliates
by denying Will a letter from home. All
in all, it's just a messed up mean spirited twenty minute
stretch of Survivor.
The one constant being that Jenn doesn't really give a shit
about any of this
And at the end of the day, Dan is royally devastated that
his good friend Mike would do something like that
This is also the point in the episode where Dan gets to read what sort
of advantage he just won in the auction.
And he finds out he now has the power of an extra vote.
Which means that Dan Foley is now the single most powerful player in
Survivor: Worlds Apart.
He is now officially the king of the castle.
It's good to be the king
And so here we get the part that people tend to forget about this
episode.
Now we get to the awesome/horrible hilarious Jenn quote.
Going into the episode ten immunity challenge, Jenn doesn't
really give a shit who wins
Jenn
doesn't really care if she wins or loses Survivor.
In fact,
I don't think she has EVER cared if she wins. All she really
cares about is that the people she hates in this game DON'T win.
So if she sticks around, she just wants to see people like
Will,
and Rodney, and Carolyn go down in flames. At this point,
that's
really the only thing she has left invested in this game.
At this point, her opinion of everyone who isn't Mike or
Shirin is pretty much this
And so here we go.
At the end of episode ten, Mike wins immunity.
Possibly saving him.
So much for that blindside
Huh
Which means that the vote is gonna go right back to being either Jenn
or Shirin now. Just like it always was.
One of these two people is going home tonight. We
just don't know which.
So we go back to camp, and this is where the negotiations
begin.
Everybody is frustrated with everyone else at this
point
They're all ready and angry and aching to vote
somebody out
It's tense
Well okay, maybe not everyone is tense
And this is where Mike makes his plea to try to take over the game.
Mike pulls Jenn and Shirin aside and he says...
What if we get five votes and we take out Carolyn tonight?
Carolyn
What if we had five votes? Do you think we could
pull off the blindside?
As you can see, Jenn is heavily invested in this
Mike peruses who they would need to be that all important
swing vote
They crunch the numbers for a while, and it eventually comes
down to one person.
There is one person they absolutely NEED if they want to swing the
numbers around and take down the alliance tonight.
And just who is that person?
That's right. They need the Almighty Drago... wait a minute.
You're not even in this season. Fuck off, Coach.
No, there's only ONE person who can turn the game around against Rodney
and Carolyn tonight.
And unfortunately, it happens to be this guy
That's right. Only Dan "The Danimal" Foley can save the lives
of Jenn and Shirin tonight.
He is the hero that the other heroes are going to need.
Just like in the Justice League, The Danimal is going
to step in and be their Superman.
Oh honey, I'm sorry
So Mike goes to Dan.
And he begs.
And he pleads.
And he promises to stop telling all those dumb adopted kid jokes.
I'll just switch them around to all be Polish jokes, cool?
And for a while, it looks like it actually might work.
Dan even tells us that he knows he's the belle of the ball
tonight.
"I am the swing vote tonight. Which is my worst
nightmare."
Dan is angry about how the situation has all gone down today.
He's conflicted about what he's being asked to do.
He's confused.
Here he puts on his shoes so he can go out to an abandoned warehouse
and angry dance
And right before Tribal Council, we get the Jenn quote which will
forever cement her as the Courtney Yates of the next generation.
Sisters
Jenn, care to weigh in on what's going to happen tonight?
zzzzzzzzz
Sorry. Jenn, care to wake up and tell us how you think the
vote is going to go tonight?
"Well, if this is gonna work, it's up to Dan."
"Who is dumb as a box of rocks."
"So my entire game..."
"... is in dumbass's hands."
Well alrighty then. Thank you Courtney Jenn. It's been a pleasure.
Fuck off, I'm sleeping
And that's the story of how one of the most famous characters in Survivor history wound up with his beloved Survivor nickname.
Right there at the top of the Pantheon, we can now add this one to the annals of Survivor nicknames.
It's pronounced "Dumas."
Oh yeah, and Jenn was voted out that night.
Whatever
P.S.
Remember when I said there was an editor's joke that went along
with this entry? Well there's an especially mean one that I sort
of hate to point out. But, alas, I am a comedian, and that's my
job. Just keep this one in mind when I point out later
how the editors were assholes to Dan all season long.
Right when Jenn is saying that Dan is dumb as a box of rocks
In the middle of this speech, about how Dan is an idiot, the editors decide to insert this clip.
Of Dan being unable to eat rice
I mean, Dan sort of had a point about how his edit was pretty brutal.
But we'll talk more about that later. When we get to
the top five. :)
A small piece of rice: The Foleyslayer
Special thanks to a guy on Twitter named Dan's Melons for making me that FUBC gif
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