The Funny 115 - The Third One

#53.  Dan Gets a Nickname
Worlds Apart - episode 10

It's episode ten of Worlds Apart, and Jenn Brown no longer has any fucks to give.

Her buddy Joe was voted out at Tribal Council last night.  Her only ally left is the Boss Fight equivalent of Max (Shirin). And at this point in the game she has more or less just given up and is ready to go home.

In the immortal words of Saint Na Onka, Jenn has officially reached the point of pissedtivity.

And so here we are

However, at the beginning of episode ten, something interesting happens.

Something that, despite its reputation for nastiness and ugliness, is about to give our heroine some hope.

Not surprisingly, it involves alcohol

With that being said, let's jump right into one of the most charming Survivor episodes of all time - Worlds Apart episode ten.  Where some bad stuff happens, and then some other bad stuff happens.  And then some more bad stuff happens.  And then Jenn says something really horrible (yet funny) about Dan.  


This is one of those writeups where I feel sort of guilty even turning it into a Funny 115 entry.  It's a little more mean-spirited than most of my entries tend to get.  But because there's a really awesome editor's joke smack dab in the middle of it, there's no way I can possibly pass it up either.  Trust me, you'll understand why when we get there.  Just get ready for one of the meanest things the editors have ever done to a player in recent memory, which fittingly takes place at the end of one of Survivor's all-time meanest episodes.  

If there's a better place for Jenn to drop her most Courtney Yates-like quote of them all, I don't know where it would be.

Eh, it's episode ten.  Fuck it.

You guys ready for this one?

Here we go.

It's episode ten of Worlds Apart, and Rodney's alliance of seven is currently running the game

Right now it's the seven of them against Jenn and Shirin.  Which is bad news for Jenn and Shirin, but good news for everyone in the tribe who is NOT named Jenn and Shirin.  Because right now the next two votes are perfectly obvious.  It's going to be Jenn.  And then it's going to be Shirin.  And then after that, the alliance of seven will just have to turn on each other.

And when they DO turn on each other, this is the first alliance member they want to send home - Mike

However, this is the point in the game where Rodney starts to get a little greedy.

Rather than wait three votes to take out Mike, Rodney decides at the start of episode ten that he wants to escalate the hit on their most threatening and popular alliance member.  He wants to take the golden boy out NOW.  

So he pulls his three most trusted allies aside, and he explains the plan

We blindside Mike next.  Fuck Jenn and Shirin, we can take those two out later.  We need to get rid of Mike NOW.

Will, Tyler, and (maybe) Carolyn are all happily on board

This is going to become the storyline for the rest of the season.  Mike's in the alliance, yes, but Mike is also a dead man.  Because his alliance members want him out, and they just haven't told him yet.

Which is complicated by the fact that Mike overhears their entire conversation, and he knows exactly what is coming


And so here we are as we lead in to the famous drama in episode ten.  The alliance is about to blindside Mike, and Mike is completely aware of it.  

And the season is about to spiral downhill very fast from here.

But Jenn doesn't care.  Because right now it's time for the food auction

Okay, so it's the episode ten food auction.  Where Will buys himself out of the auction, and it later leads to something bad you might remember with Shirin.  But fuck it, just skip over that part for now.  For now, just remember that Jenn wins the world's biggest cocktail in a giant glass bowl, and she spends the next thirty minutes slowly medicating herself into oblivion.  Which, if you want to make your Survivor experience a lot more fun, is certainly one way to do it.

The highlight of Jenn's Survivor experience

For the rest of the tribe, what's coming next is about to be painful.  

For Jenn, what's coming next is about to be hilarious.

Okay, so here comes the drama.

At the end of the auction, the players have a chance to win a letter from home.  Which is something they have all been longing for.

They all agree to bid the same amount for a letter from their loved ones.  No more, no less.  They'll all bid twenty dollars, and then they'll all spend the same amount.  And then afterwards, if there is some sort of an advantage offered at the end of the auction, they'll all have the same amount of money so it will still be open to anyone.  Sounds fair, right?

It is fair.  But Mike is about to outsmart them.

And so here we go.  

Everyone agrees to go up and pay twenty dollars for a letter from home.

And then, at the last minute, Mike changes his mind and decides not to pay

Thus ensuring he'll be the only one with twenty extra dollars later to buy the advantage

Needless to say, this move does NOT go over well with everyone.

Dan gets pissed and he yells

Sierra is shocked that Mike would do that

Rodney's like, what the hell?  What just happened?

Even Jeff is stunned.  He just goes "Wow!"

And as for Jenn?

Jenn is remembering that time Hali sat on a log and it made a little farty noise

Needless to say, drunken Jenn might not be as invested in the drama as much as everyone else is.  

For everyone else, this will soon become the most pivotal moment of the season.

This is Mike Holloway's big heel turn

From here on out, Mike is going to be the biggest villain in the game, and will be the one that everyone else in the alliance will desperately try to get out.  From here on out, no one is ever going to trust him again.

All the drama in the rest of Worlds Apart is going to stem from right here.

Carolyn is super pissed about this.  Even more pissed than usual, it seems.

Dan is pissed

Tyler is pissed

Jenn still doesn't care.  Fuck it.

Mike eventually relents, and he buys his letter.  But the damage is done.

And when he eventually loses out on winning the advantage

And when Dan wins it instead

It looks like it is hard times ahead for Mike Holloway.


So anyway, because of this moment, bad things happen when they all get back to camp.

I fucked up with that letter.  I'm in trouble now.

Yep.  He's in trouble a little bit.

Dan isn't gonna be so forgiving

Rodney isn't gonna be so forgiving

Back at camp, they all accuse him of betraying the alliance.

You ruined the letters from home for everyone.  You betrayed all of us.

I did not.  You bastards flipped on me first!

You better relax!

I don't need to relax!

Hey look, guys.  Kitties!

And so it continues.  Everyone yells at Mike.  Then it morphs into people being mad at Will.  Then it switches to Will being horrible to Shirin.  Then Shirin retaliates by denying Will a letter from home.  
All in all, it's just a messed up mean spirited twenty minute stretch of Survivor.

The one constant being that Jenn doesn't really give a shit about any of this

And at the end of the day, Dan is royally devastated that his good friend Mike would do something like that

This is also the point in the episode where Dan gets to read what sort of advantage he just won in the auction.  

And he finds out he now has the power of an extra vote.

Which means that Dan Foley is now the single most powerful player in Survivor: Worlds Apart.  

He is now officially the king of the castle.

It's good to be the king

And so here we get the part that people tend to forget about this episode.

Now we get to the awesome/horrible hilarious Jenn quote.

Going into the episode ten immunity challenge, Jenn doesn't really give a shit who wins

Jenn doesn't really care if she wins or loses Survivor.  In fact, I don't think she has EVER cared if she wins.  All she really cares about is that the people she hates in this game DON'T win.  So if she sticks around, she just wants to see people like Will, and Rodney, and Carolyn go down in flames.  At this point, that's really the only thing she has left invested in this game.

At this point, her opinion of everyone who isn't Mike or Shirin is pretty much this

And so here we go.

At the end of episode ten, Mike wins immunity.  Possibly saving him.

So much for that blindside


Which means that the vote is gonna go right back to being either Jenn or Shirin now.  Just like it always was.

One of these two people is going home tonight.  We just don't know which.

So we go back to camp, and this is where the negotiations begin.

Everybody is frustrated with everyone else at this point

They're all ready and angry and aching to vote somebody out

It's tense

Well okay, maybe not everyone is tense

And this is where Mike makes his plea to try to take over the game.

Mike pulls Jenn and Shirin aside and he says...

What if we get five votes and we take out Carolyn tonight?


What if we had five votes?  Do you think we could pull off the blindside?

As you can see, Jenn is heavily invested in this

Mike peruses who they would need to be that all important swing vote

They crunch the numbers for a while, and it eventually comes down to one person.  

There is one person they absolutely NEED if they want to swing the numbers around and take down the alliance tonight.

And just who is that person?

That's right.  They need the Almighty Drago... wait a minute.  You're not even in this season.  Fuck off, Coach.

No, there's only ONE person who can turn the game around against Rodney and Carolyn tonight.

And unfortunately, it happens to be this guy

That's right.  Only Dan "The Danimal" Foley can save the lives of Jenn and Shirin tonight.

He is the hero that the other heroes are going to need.

Just like in the Justice League, The Danimal is going to step in and be their Superman.

Oh honey, I'm sorry

So Mike goes to Dan.  

And he begs.

And he pleads.

And he promises to stop telling all those dumb adopted kid jokes.

I'll just switch them around to all be Polish jokes, cool?

And for a while, it looks like it actually might work.

Dan even tells us that he knows he's the belle of the ball tonight.

"I am the swing vote tonight.  Which is my worst nightmare."

Dan is angry about how the situation has all gone down today.

He's conflicted about what he's being asked to do.

He's confused.

Here he puts on his shoes so he can go out to an abandoned warehouse and angry dance

And right before Tribal Council, we get the Jenn quote which will forever cement her as the Courtney Yates of the next generation.


Jenn, care to weigh in on what's going to happen tonight?


Sorry.  Jenn, care to wake up and tell us how you think the vote is going to go tonight?

"Well, if this is gonna work, it's up to Dan."

"Who is dumb as a box of rocks."

"So my entire game..."

"... is in dumbass's hands."

Well alrighty then.  Thank you Courtney Jenn.  It's been a pleasure.

Fuck off, I'm sleeping

And that's the story of how one of the most famous characters in Survivor history wound up with his beloved Survivor nickname.

Right there at the top of the Pantheon, we can now add this one to the annals of Survivor nicknames.

It's pronounced "Dumas."

Oh yeah, and Jenn was voted out that night.


P.S.  Remember when I said there was an editor's joke that went along with this entry?  Well there's an especially mean one that I sort of hate to point out.  But, alas, I am a comedian, and that's my job.  Just keep this one in mind when I point out later how the editors were assholes to Dan all season long.

Right when Jenn is saying that Dan is dumb as a box of rocks

In the middle of this speech, about how Dan is an idiot, the editors decide to insert this clip.

Of Dan being unable to eat rice

I mean, Dan sort of had a point about how his edit was pretty brutal.  But we'll talk more about that later.  When we get to the top five.   :)

A small piece of rice:  The Foleyslayer

Special thanks to a guy on Twitter named Dan's Melons for making me that FUBC gif

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