The Funny 115 - The Third One

#54.  Cochran's Retainer
South Pacific - episode 5

Over the years, we have seen some incredibly serious injuries take place on Survivor.

From Mike Skupin falling in the fire in Australia

To the old guy perishing after the hike in Guatemala

From Russell collapsing due to lack of nutrients in Samoa

To the Make-A-Wish kid sweeping the leg on Missy in San Juan Del Sur

Over thirty plus seasons of Survivor, short of somebody actually dying, we've pretty much seen it all.

Oh crap, my knee

Oh crap, my shoulder

Could somebody whip it out and piss on me?

But it wasn't until Survivor: South Pacific that we got arguably the most famous injury of them all.

It happened during the infamous "Stick your face into this meat and make everyone at home sick" challenge

Also unofficially known as "Schmergenbarf."

The Upolus and the Savaiis spent an hour ripping meat off a bone with their teeth.  

And at the end of the challenge everyone was a little banged up.

And then later that night, at Tribal Council, Probst finds out just HOW banged up they all are.  


This is one of my favorite scenes of the season.

"We're getting beat in the challenges, Jeff."

"We're giving a hundred percent, but we're getting beat in the challenges that aren't physical too."

"Plus we're all banged up."


"Ironically enough, we all had more injuries during THIS challenge than any of our other challenges combined."

You got injured during the food challenge?  Who are you, Lisi Linares?

Probst is intrigued by the idea of people being injured by pork.  So he decides he's going to pursue this topic for a little while. 

"Give me the rundown.  Who has an injury?"

"From today's challenge?"

"From today's challenge."

At this point Probst can't resist.  So he turns to the left and he starts going down the line.  

He does a quick rundown of who all is injured here on Savaii now.

Okay Jim, what's your damage?

"I have a bunch of cuts on the inside of my mouth, and my lips are all cut up."


"Bloody cuts and gums."

Right down the line they go.  One by one.  Listing what kind of injury they got today from a Honeybaked Ham roast.

"Cuts on my lips.  Chipped tooth."

"And my jaw is a little dislocated."

"Broken tooth."

"Mikayla gave me blue balls."

Probst is amazed by all this.

He had no idea Schmergen Barf was such a dangerous challenge.



"Just lips."

Annnnnnd then, we get to Cochran.

Favors the dark meat

And... well... I know I'm gonna keep saying it until I'm blue in the face, but here we go again.

Cochran makes me laugh pretty much every single time he opens his mouth.

"Cochran.  What about your injuries?"

"Technically, I haven't been wearing my retainer as diligently as I should have been."

"So my teeth are in constant transition and flux right now."

"I definitely felt my teeth shifting."

Everyone laughs as he is answering the question.  Partly because it's funny, and partly because no one can tell if he is actually joking or not.  Because of his deadpan delivery, and because... well... because he's a huge dork, he could be a hundred percent serious and this could actually be his injury.  With Cochran it's impossible to tell.

Here he elaborates on the horrors of modern orthodontistry

Even Jeff can't figure out if Cochran is joking or not.

At this point he still can't figure this weirdo out.

But like the trooper that he is, our fearless host investigates.

"Cochran, are you being silly?"

"Or are you one hundred percent sincere?"


"Well, I realize it's not on the same level as a dislocated jaw."

"But I'm warping the arrangement of my teeth."

Luckily, Jeff falls back on his well earned dentistry degree.  And he's there to make the final judgement on the issue.

"Smile. Let me see."


And with that, we now have maybe the all-time greatest canonical Survivor injury.

Cochran smiles like a pig who just rolled around in shit.  He knows he just had his first big Survivor moment.

Seriously, dude, what the fuck?

And, of course, we end this entry with the famous Dawn quote.  

I know I've already used it once on this countdown before.  

But because it's so perfect, you can never use it enough.

"Cochran is just hilarious."

"But not."

Hilarious.  But not.

P.S.  After South Pacific, Cochran starred in an advertisement for the famous Wounded Warriors Project.  

Like so many of his other interactions with the fanbase, it did not go over well.

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