The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#13. Tony Speaks Llama
Cagayan - episode 12
Well, we're finally here. To the entry that many people predicted would be #1 overall on the countdown.
It's the scene where Tony made a sound that could only be described "a turkey having a seizure."
The saddest Thanksgiving ever
It's
one of the most iconic moments from this era of Survivor.
And fortunately
for us, it also features two of the most iconic characters from this
era of Survivor.
It features the runner
And the stunner
I'm
not going to give you an entire backhistory on Tony and Kass as
Survivor enemies. Mainly because I've already done that. Tony and Kass both already have a Funny 115 character entry.
No, this entry is specifically about the sound that comes out of Tony's mouth.
A sound which, again, could only be described as "if Christa from Pearl Islands fell into a woodchipper."
He swears he didn't throw out the fish
Let's recap the famous llama incident, shall we?
Tony Speaks Llama
a.k.a. A Llama Speaks Tony
So it's the twelfth episode of Survivor: Cagayan.
There are five players left in the game.
Well, four players and Woo, anyway
Annnnd...
unfortunately for the other four players in the game... one of the
five players who is left is the infamous Chaos Kass.
Who, let's just say, doesn't play all that well with people.
Hi Tasha
Hi Trish
I HATE YOU!
So Kass is still left in the game, which is bad for everyone. Because she is an instigator.
Oh,
and Kass has also recently reached Naonka's famous "point of
pissedtivity" (tm), where she just doesn't give much of a shit anymore.
That is also bad for everyone.
She's now down in the Jenn zone
And so here we go.
The leadup to the llama scene.
It's day thirty-four, and Kass has just made an important realization about Survivor: Cagayan
Yes, Tony. The famous godfather of Cagayan.
Tony, in between poop pants
As
the game has gone along, and Tony has burned more and more
bridges along the way, Kass has started to realize that HE might
be the
opponent you actually want to face at the end. Not Woo. Tony.
Tony and his stupid overpowered mega Tyler Perry idol.
[ bedroom noises ]
And when Kass realizes this, it changes her entire strategy around.
"Tony's been a jerk to pretty much everyone at some point in the game."
"So maybe I'd rather go to the end against Tony now."
Kass's crusade to take Tony to the end, and beat him, starts here. In episode twelve.
And
it's compounded by the fact that she just doesn't seem to like the guy
very much. On a personal level.
She doesn't like Tony one bit, and everyone knows it.
"Tony and Trish are like a couple of baboons, they're attached at the hip."
So Kass is just sitting around right now, looking for some type of an opportunity to cause trouble with Tony.
And luckily for her, it's handed to her on a platter the very next day.
Because this is when Woo squeals to Tony, Kass is trying to get you
Tony is shocked.
So Tony knows that Kass is coming after him now.
And Tony does exactly what Tony is supposed to do, of course.
He makes a sound like if a chicken got run over by a lawnmower
No, what he really does is he runs (literally) to Kass, and he makes an emergency final three deal with her.
So he can head off the threat.
"I don't care about our past. It will be me, you, and Trish."
"We need to protect ourselves against Spencer and Woo."
Huh
"I know that you talked to Woo, but I don't care. I'm okay with it."
"I'm telling you this because I want you to be comfortable."
"Woo WILL beat me at the end."
"You, it's fifty-fifty."
And this is where Tony makes the fateful final three deal.
"On my baby and wife, we're going to the end."
Now, let's go talk some shit about Spencer
So Tony thinks he has successfully headed off Kass as an enemy. He thinks he has silenced her.
[ seal noises ]
However...
This is for your baby and your wife
Kass doesn't play like everyone else does.
Tony is about to realize that.
See, Kass immediately sits down for a confessional
And...
"It was stupid of Woo to tell him all that."
"But it was stupid of Tony to tell ME."
"I've been forgiven by the mafia boss, but I need to show everyone that Tony is a bully."
"Just an extremely unlikable person, and he won't get any votes from the jury."
"So Chaos Kass is back!"
And so here we go.
The funniest part of all this is how quick it is.
See, Tony hasn't even started running away from Kass back into the jungle, and she is already squealing to Woo.
"So Woo, you told Tony everything I told you?"
"Um... Woo?"
"He just told me that yesterday, on the boat, you told him everything."
Woo, of course, clams up faster than Jean-Robert during Todd's jury question.
She shut up him
And then here comes the big man. Here comes Tony, back to camp.
Back from his daily 11:02 run.
"Guys, have you seen all my tools? Somebody took 'em."
Kass wastes no time.
She goes right for the jugular.
"Woo says he didn't tell you anything on the boat yesterday."
Tony hears this. And he is absolutely gobsmacked.
"Why?"
*Nelson Muntz laugh* Ha ha!
"What are you doing here, Kass? Why are you investigating?"
"Why can't I investigate?"
"Fine. Me and Woo talked about it and Woo told me everything he told you."
Tony now points out that Kass is not playing Survivor in a very smart manner.
"I told you something in secrecy."
"And then you come here and you blow it out?"
Kass, of course, does what she usually does, and she goes right back into trolling mode.
"You're confronting me and interrogating me."
"Interrogating? I told you a fact!"
"Woo said you went behind my back!"
"Did I make that up out of the blue? Or was that a fact?"
Kass refuses to raise her temper back at him.
And now Tony starts to lose it.
"It's amazing, man!"
"I'm allowed to confront people too, Tony."
Tony
is so flustered by her weird non-aggression trolling tactics that
he storms off because he has to go calm down somewhere.
So Tony runs off angrily down the beach for a while.
And now Kass turns her psychological torture back to Woo.
"Just so you know, he shook my hand and swore on his wife and baby."
"That he and I have a final three."
*very sadly, like R2D2*
Woooooooooooooooooooo. :(
And oh good.
Now Tony's back.
"See Kass, there's people that tell secrets..."
*sits quietly*
So Tony stomps around camp for a while like Joe Pesci in Home Alone. Being angry.
Ratsa fratsa, ratsa fratsa
Meanwhile, Kass will not let up.
She just sits there calmly, and keeps poking at that bee hive.
"So our deal's off, Tony?"
That's my favorite line of this whole scene, by the way. "Oh, so our deal's off?" She's so calm about it.
Tony responds with...
"I want nothing to do with you, Kass. Please don't talk to me."
And, of course, Kass keeps twisting the knife.
"Everybody's allowed to talk to Tony, but nobody's allowed to talk to each other."
And then here comes the llama part.
"That's how intelligent you are. You have no idea what you're saying right now."
"Talking to people and revealing secrets is a totally different animal."
"You get it?"
Realizing that perhaps he's onto something with this animal metaphor, Tony decides to elaborate a little.
"I'm sorry I don't talk llama."
"I'm supposed to talk llama to you."
And then he unleashes this... sound... out of his mouth.
Which, as I mentioned before, can only be described as "if Robb Zbacnik from Thailand tried to speak German."
BLARGH!
BLEAT!
HONNNK!
HYUNNNK!
Kass, of course, enjoys this display of animal mimicry very much.
So does Spencer.
This sound of a dying animal brings me joy
Once Tony completes his impression of a bagpipe getting a blowjob, he finishes off the conversation with...
And then he sits down for a confessional.
Where he tells us that, when it comes to Kass McQuillen...
... he just can't even
So...
A couple of things I have to talk about when it comes to the infamous llama scene.
The first, and most obvious one is, why the hell did Tony go with "llama"?
I mean, why is "llama" your go-to animal?
If
you wanted to reference an animal with a distinctive sound, why would
you pick an animal that most people on the face of the earth have never
actually heard before? And I apologize if there's some weird
animal fetishist out there who loves listening to llama mating
calls. I'm not talking about you.
Apologies to Sonja
For some reason, Tony wanted an animal that makes a distinctive sound, and he went with llama.
Which leads us to our second question, of course, and that is, do you even know what a llama IS?
One
thing I have learned from writing the Funny 115 over the years is that
I have a lot of international readers out there. And a lot of them
are understandably confused when I throw out a term in English (like
B.L.T.) that they might not have actually heard before. So in the
interest of being inclusive and fair, I looked up "llama" for you on
Wikipedia, and here's what it said:
"It is a title given by the Tibetan people for the foremost spiritual
leader of the Gelug or "Yellow Hat" school of Tibetan Buddhism, the
newest of the classical schools of Tibetan Buddhism. The 14th and
current one is Tenzin Gyatso."
I don't know if that actually helps you or not. Hopefully it does.
Big hitter, the Lama
And now we come to the most important part of the scene. The part that I have always wondered about.
I wondered about this last part so much, in fact, that I actually went to Kass and I asked her about it.
Here was her answer for me
I
don't know if you know this or not, but Kass actually grew up on an
reindeer farm. Her family raised reindeer in California, and on
holidays they would rent the reindeer out as Christmas accessories. I'm
totally not making that up. It's 100% true.
Kass McQuillen, the home game
And
so this is what I wondered. Did Tony KNOW that Kass grew up on a
reindeer farm? Did he know that, and was he trying to reference it with
his llama comment?
Is that what he meant when he said "Now I'm speaking a language that you'll understand?"
Basically... did he just get his animals mixed up??
It sounded exactly like Judd from Guatemala choking on a Slim Jim
I actually tracked Kass down, and I asked her this very important question over email a couple of weeks ago.
I
said to her, okay so here's my theory. I bet Tony knew that you grew up
with reindeer. And I think he somehow got them confused with llamas,
because he's Tony and because Tony's a spaz. And I bet he went the
WHOLE game thinking you grew up on a llama farm.
So I'm
guessing this was something that came up a lot between the two of you
before the moment that he actually bleated at you. I bet he LOVED to
make fun of you because you grew up as the world's most
passive-aggressive llama shepherd.
I asked Kass this question, and of course I knew the answer was yes.
But she surprised me with her response.
Her answer was, "Nope, when he spoke llama to me, it was the first time it had ever come up."
And I was like... really?
The first time is the most magical
So anyway, there you go.
Tony
didn't know that Kass had grown up on a reindeer farm. I've seen
reports on the internet that he knew she had grown up on a farm, or that she had told him she worked at a petting zoo, but
Kass herself told me he didn't have a clue about the specific reindeer
thing. So that means that Tony really did pull the llama impression
right out of his butt.
It probably thought my butt was a spy shack
And in all fairness to Tony... if you look up videos of llamas making noise... he was actually pretty close.
Right, llama Chad?
And so that's my recap of the famous Tony/Kass llama incident.
A moment that will go down in history as one of the most random and funny things that has ever happened on the show.
A moment that was SO memorable, in fact, that Tony even got to recap it later during Tribal Council.
"Jeff, this young lady here is delusional."
"I told Kass, be cool. We can make it to the end."
"It's between us. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah."
"She goes back to camp... and goes..."
"Hey Woo. Is it true that you told Tony this and that and this and that?"
"I said Kass, what is wrong with you? You just sealed your own fate."
"Why would you go telling him what I just told you? If we're working together?"
They spend a moment bickering over whether this was an actual strategy or not.
And then, in a moment of inspiration, they start to imitate each other.
Tony's like, "The deal's off! I'm done with you! It's over!"
In response, Tony decides to imitate the reindeer girl.
"Jeff, I'm emotional. I express my feelings with my facial expressions."
"She just sits there with the same grin on her face."
"Mad, happy, sad, crying, whatever. Same look."
"Look! There it is!"
"Well you're making an ass of yourself."
"And she calls me an animal."
"So I had to talk to her like I'm an animal."
And here it comes again.
The sound that can only be described as the sound Reddit makes if you make a joke about Parvati.
"So she can understand me!"
"And she got offended by that, Jeff! It's just a joke!"
"We're here to play a game, let's have fun with it."
And Jeff provides the perfect capper to the scene, of course.
"Wow."
So Cagayan's got that scene goin' for it.
Which is nice.
P.S. Yes, of course it came up again in the reunion show.
Hey Tony, will you make that sound like if Rodney got caught in a blender
[ Rodney noises ]
P.P.S. What's that? You say you want an entire minute of Tony speaking llama? Well here you go. Merry Christmas.
Special note for 2020: I now have Funny 115 t-shirts available if you'd like to help support my website.
If you'd like one with the large logo, go here. The shirts with the smaller logo up on the chest are available here.
I also have stickers available, v-necks, tank tops, etc. Just look
around the website and there is a bunch of different stuff. Thank you
so much to Tardis Repairman for designing the logo for me. I love it.
