The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#15.
The Seeker of Truth, The Seer of Real
Worlds Apart - Sadly, Only Two Episodes
When you go back, and you look at the history of the Funny 115, it is
very rare that I have ever written a character entry about a player who
was only around for two episodes.
I think Billy from Cook Islands might be the only one
a.k.a. Pimptavius
Up to this point in Survivor history, Billy (and I guess Rudy in All
Stars too, if you want to count that as a real season) are the only two
second boots who have ever been awarded with a coveted Funny 115
character entry.
"And me? Please? From Casaya?"
No.
So anyway, yes, if you're looking for the greatest second boot in
Survivor history, up to this point you'd have no choice but to
go with Billy the Broken Hearted.
Or Garrett from Cagayan, I guess.
If only for this pose.
However...
In season thirty of Survivor (Worlds Apart) we were introduced to a new
type of second boot.
A more AMAZING type of second boot.
The type of legend who I believe is now the gold standard of what all
second boots on Survivor in the future should aspire to.
You know who I'm talking about, don't you?
This guy
Just kidding.
When in doubt, you pick the guy with the feathers
That's right. It's time for the character entry for Vince Sly, the
coconut vendor.
Who forever won me over with this, the best opening line for a
character in Survivor history.
"As a coconut vendor, I seek truth."
"I am a seer of real."
Now here's the fun thing. I could spend an entire entry just dissecting
that quote. Just because it's so wonderfully bizarre.
For starters, I guess I have to ask the most obvious question, WHY IS
IT IMPLIED THAT A PERSON WHO SELLS COCONUTS IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR
TRUTH? Is that, like, a trope that we're already supposed to be
familiar with?
I just love the way he phrases that quote. As if it's some well known
rule in literature that we're already all supposed to know about.
I mean, if you walk into a courtroom in the United States, and you use
that line in front of a judge, does it actually work?
"Mister Sly, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole
truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God?"
"Yes, your honor. I sell coconuts."
"Good."
Call me a cynic, but something tells me it would probably go a little
more like this.
"Does the defendant have counsel today?"
"I don't need counsel, your honor, for I am a coconut
vendor."
"I repeat, does the defendant have counsel?"
"My counsel is the moon. And the stars."
"Does the defendant have local counsel?"
"No."
In any case, that's the first line we ever hear Vince speak in episode
one. That he's a coconut vendor, and he seeks truth.
And swear to god, that's the fastest time in Survivor history a player
IMMEDIATELY earned himself a character entry.
And that's not even counting the first time we see him on camera, and
he's doing this
Now, unfortunately, I don't have a whole lot to say about
Vince's overall story arc in Worlds Apart.
Not because he doesn't deserve it, or because it isn't hilarious.
But because I already covered his entire
storyline here, in one of my favorite entries. Go back and
read that one if you want to see the sudden rise and fall of the man
who sells coconuts. Who bled to death after a thousand little papercuts
called microaggressions.
Thinks Joe is a big meanie
Because this is a character entry, and not specifically about Vince's
storyline, in this one I'm going to focus more on the little
things that I love about Vince as a Survivor character. And how he
very EASILY could have been the next Coach if he had just been
a little less of a dick eccentric.
I mean, my god, if you had given this guy ten episodes, who knows what
kind of magic he would have come up with.
We never got to hear HIS Amazon story, it would have been so
pure
So here we go. Twelve things I will always love
about Vince.
The seeker of Jenn hugs.
The seer of awesome.
The Vince Twelve
a.ka. THE WAY OF THE COCONUT
1. In the opening shot of
Worlds Apart, not only is he standing there with his mouth hanging
open...
He's also inadvertently photobombing Jenn's glamour shot.
You wanna be a star? That's how you become a star.
Oh holy coconut. Look down on us.
2. Meanwhile, what the
hell is with this weird cast photo?
I don't know if it's just the angle, or what, but it looks
like he has big fake Tina Wesson boobs
He doesn't look like that in any other pic, it's just the
one with the shirt
The one where he's Lord Sassy McSassington
3. I already posted the
"Seeker of Truth" quote. But don't forget that he had a couple of other
fun ones.
And of course this one.
"My personality's a lot like surfing a wave."
"So let me surf this for a second."
And then there's this very Coach-like quote.
Where he says he makes friends better than other people do.
"If you create friendships the way that I do, it's really
hard to break
a bond."
4. Speaking of Coach
quotes, I GOTTA highlight this one. Just because it's the exact type of
thing that would have come out of the mouth of The Dragonslayer.
"One of my greatest weaknesses is my intense attraction to
women."
Yes, Coach. Your biggest flaw is that you just get way too
much sex. Also, please tell us how much you can bench.
If you bench weights the way that I do, it's really hard not
to bench more than Joe Anglim
5. I guess
this one goes without saying, but let me point out how amazing it was
that he was voted out of THE NO COLLAR TRIBE. For being TOO WEIRD.
Psyyyyyyyyyycho
Boom
The hugging stops here, coconut guy
6. And of course, speaking
of hugs...
Vince: I love you.
Jenn: I don't care.
Vince: I know.
If there's one thing you need to remember about Vince as a Survivor
character, it's the fact that the way he judges you as a person... is
if you can withstand a ten second hug or not.
Seriously, I'm not exaggerating. He literally has a ten second hug rule.
He even tells us.
"In my every day life, I'm surrounded by people who I can
have a comfortable, loving embrace with them."
"Ten seconds. Of beauty. Bliss. Peace."
Why does he like Jenn so much?
It's because she'll put up with a ten second hug
Seriously, time it.
And then watch how she has to tap out at the end because it
has become uncomfortable
Oh, and why doesn't he like Joe?
Because Joe murders babies
Nah, he doesn't like Joe because Joe won't do the ten second hug thing.
"With Joe, I just don't feel that. I just don't."
JOE IS HUGGING SOMEBODY ELSE, HE BETRAYED ME
I seriously believe that Vince's biggest problem with Joe
was that Joe just wouldn't do the hug thing. And then everything that
happened later just all stemmed from there.
You don't even deserve to have my armpit in your face, Joe Anglim
7. Speaking of that last
screencap, you gotta love how when Vince doesn't trust you, he just
gets right up in your face. And he stares at you.
He looks right into your soul
As if searching for weakness
As if searching for non-realness that must be destroyed
Determining if you're worthy of a ten second hug or not
In one of my earlier entries, I compared this to the stare Larry
David gives to people in Curb Your Enthusiasm. Because it's
the exact same look.
However, there was a sketch on SNL a couple of weeks ago that I think
is even more accurate. So this is going to become my new Vince Sly gif.
Everyone on the No Collar Tribe after dealing with Vince
8. I should point out
that the Seinfeld/Curb Your Enthusiasm/pop culture parallels don't end
there either. Remember the Seinfeld episode with the guy who was a
close talker?
The close talker
Well guess who else is a close talker?
Vince: "Come on, at least eight seconds?"
Joe: "No."
Remember, kids, always leave room for Jesus
9. This one isn't
something we actually saw in the episodes, but I wanted to
point it out just because I think it's hilarious.
You know how Joe built most of the No Collar shelter?
I hate him
Well, later in the season, there's an infamous subplot where people
(I'm not gonna name names) joke that Will is too fat for the shelter.
And if they vote him out, there will be a lot more room for everyone to
sleep.
Do you know WHY there wasn't much room in the No Collar shelter?
That's right, it was the feather guy
It came out in interviews later that the reason the No Collar shelter
was so small was because Vince hid all the tools.
Whatever, fuck it
And WHY did he hide all the tools?
Just because he wanted to spite Joe
And if that's not seeking truth and seeing real, I don't know what is.
He passive-aggressed me!
10.
By the way, did you ever notice how much coconut symbolism there is on
the No Collar Tribe? Thank you, editors!
Day one, Vince vends presents a coconut to the tribe and everyone
worships it
ALL HAIL OUR NEW FIBROUS ONE-SEEDED DRUPE OVERLORD
But, uh oh. Then Joe starts sharing coconuts with the girls. And Vince doesn't get any.
You coconut sluts
Then it gets worse when Jenn offers up a coconut that Joe can burn for the fire.
Hey Jenn, got anything I can use for kindling?
Guess whose downfall comes very quickly right after that?
Next time I'll vend them my ass
11. I believe I mentioned this quote in my earlier entry, but it's so perfect that I have to use it again.
You think that's exaggerating, but it's really not. That literally IS Vince's storyline.
Everything Vince can do
Joe can do better
Everything Vince can do
Joe can do better
Everything Vince can do
Joe can do better
Everything Vince can do
Joe can do better
It gets so bad that it eventually leads to one of the greatest one-sided feuds I have ever seen on Survivor.
"You and I, with our spirit and intelligence, we really could make it
all the way."
"I'mma let you finish, but Joey Amazing has the most spirit and
intelligence of all time."
Capped off, of course, by this amazing confessional.
"Where Joe and I stand, as of right now..."
"It really is cold war, with missiles pointed."
"I mean, we're ready to start firing away. And it's gonna get crazy."
Cut to Joe, who basically says...
My biggest concern right now is that our shelter's too small
12.
And, of course, the most amazing thing about Vince as a Survivor
character... the thing that will always make him a legend to me...
No, not the hair sniffing thing
Ewwww, no
... is, despite the fact that he's the weirdest, most bizarre archetype in the history of Survivor...
I vend coconuts yet I still cannot find truth, this confounds me
I CANNOT EXIST AROUND PEOPLE WHO HUG EVILLY
His ENTIRE legacy essentially just comes down to this.
"I do work too. And I need to be acknowledged!"
That's right. He's the guy who sells coconuts for a living. Who
walks around with an entire chicken in his hair. Who spends 150-200% of
his life seeking real and truth. Who hugs people for a minimum of ten
seconds.
He's the weirdest Survivor player aside from maybe Tocantins-era Coach.
"The guy with the feathers, he's everything that I expected him to be."
"And more. Maybe."
Vince does ALL that, for two whole episodes, and what is his biggest complaint?
Nobody noticed me!
And that, my friends, is how a player who only lasted two episodes winds up with a character entry.
Right after Joe put a lime in his coconut
P.S. When in doubt, always end an entry with a Jenn quote.
"He's playin' this game a little harder than I woulda seen comin' out of
them feathers."
P.P.S. Some fun little Vince trivia from Reddit.
P.P.P.S. I have an entire bonus section of this entry too. Click here if you're ready for the hilarious Vince photoshop challenge.
Thank you to Cory Gage for the Kat/FUBC picture
