The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#1. Ozzy Totally Outsmarts Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long
Over the first twenty seasons of Survivor, there was NEVER a player who needed redemption more than Ozzy Lusth.
This game just kicks me in the nuts. Repeatedly.
Ozzy,
for those of you who are new to the show, was the physical challenge
legend who dominated the game of Survivor like it had never been
dominated before. Starting way back in season thirteen- Survivor: Cook
Islands.
Where he won seventy-two different immunity challenges
And was the center of one of the most successful alliances in Survivor history - The Aitu Four
But
even though Ozzy was a legend in Cook Islands, even though he won
challenges more often than anyone ever had on the show, even
though he was a MASSIVE fan favorite... he still wound up losing in the
end.
Why?
Well, because he was up against Yul
Who was one of the most respected Survivor players of all time
So Ozzy lost Survivor his first time around. Because of Yul.
And because of a final three twist that no one could have possibly expected.
You know, in any other season, it would have been me against Becky
Ozzy lost Survivor his first time.
And then he lost Survivor his second time.
Because the girls took him out just as he was nailing that tall one
Which
meant that... despite being part of some of the biggest and most
legendary events of the first twenty seasons of Survivor...
Ozzy had still technically never actually won Survivor.
*smuff*
And that was why he was coming back for a third time in South Pacific.
For a final shot at that glory.
Ozzy (left, in helicopter), with friend
He's back
And that's where we stand going into the premiere of season twenty-three- Survivor: South Pacific.
A season that is about to become the ultimate story.
Of the ultimate redemption.
He has actually already won three immunities at this point
So the story starts.
And right off the bat, Jeff Probst explains what we are going to see.
LAST SEASON, WE WITNESSED COMPLETE DOMINATION BY BOSTON ROB!
IN A SEASON THAT I OPENLY FAPPED TO!
WELL THIS SEASON IS GOING TO BE EVEN BETTER!
BECAUSE THIS ONE IS A STORY OF REDEMPTION!
And this is where Ozzy shows up.
To do what Boston Rob just did, only better.
INSIDE THAT HELICOPTER IS ONE OF THE GREATEST SURVIOR WARRIORS OF ALL TIME!
HERE TO FINALLY CLAIM THE PRIZE HE HAS BEEN DESPERATELY SEARCHING FOR!
And this is where we get our very first Ozzy confessional.
"I've been the guy that's able to climb coconut trees, and hunt fish."
"I've also been really strong in challenges."
"But... I don't think I've had the best strategy."
"This time I'm more mature, and I've learned from my mistakes."
Does Ozzy need a redemption of his reputation, like Coach does? Does he just want people to not think of him as a fool?
No, of course not.
For Ozzy, the motivation is entirely different.
"I need redemption because I feel like I just haven't been able to lock my hands on the million dollars."
"I've almost been there a few times, I just haven't been able to finish."
So anyway, there you go.
Ozzy is going to win this time around. Finally.
He is finally going to complete the quest he started five years ago.
And this time around, nothing... and I mean NOTHING... is going to stand in his way.
So Ozzy arrives in his own private helicopter.
The Ozcopter
And of course, the players below are in awe of the legend who is about to enter their game.
Who's that camo guy rappelling down from the helicopter?
And a few minutes later, Ozzy meets his new competitors for the very first time.
Welcome guys, to the twenty-third season of Survivor
Yay!
Yay! He said guys!
This is a game of courage. It's a game of cunning. It's a game of charisma.
It's also, at this point, a game of returnees kicking the shit out of newbies.
Want to meet the guy who's gonna kick the shit out of you?
Yay! We love being dominated!
Yes! Please tell us our safe word!
Alright.
Here comes the guy who is gonna dominate you in the challenges. And is
going to score with every single girl in this game.
And is going to to take away all of your airtime.
And with that...
Enter the Oz Man.
LOOK COACH, I DON'T CARE THAT YOU GOT THIS FOR FREE. SO SHUT UP.
I wonder who it's going to be
I sure hope it's not Russell
Yeah, the last thing we want is some guy who just gravitates to all of the hot girls
We're going to be excited for this dick, right?
So the helicopter lands...
And out pops the guy who instantly becomes the new Boston Rob.
And... well... let's just say the reaction to him is immediate.
Ozzy!
OZZY!!!!!!!
I found my moving buddy
Annnnnnd... at this point in the entry... this is where I feel I need to do something a little unique.
Because you know how the reactions to Ozzy and Coach are so incredibly different?
Ozzy! Come marry me!
Ha, it's Coach! And he's still wearing that dumb jacket!
Fuck you, Dragon Warrior!
Because
those reactions were so one hundred percent different, I thought it
would be fun to write this entry two different times. Once from the point
of view of Coach, and then once from the point of view of Ozzy. Just
because they both have such an amazing story this season, and because their
journeys were so incredibly different.
This will be the first ever Funny 115 two-perspective entry
I've never done anything like this before, it's an idea that crossed my mind when I was writing my last entry, my Dan Foley Monkey's Paw Entry. Because like I said in that entry, there is never just one
storyline in a season of Survivor. There are generally anywhere from
sixteen to twenty different storylines. And it's up to the editors to
decide which storyline (or combination of storylines) they think
is the best. And then when fans talk about the season
afterwards, they consider this main storyline that the editors chose to be "canon."
But
it's not "canon", really. It's really just one of the storylines.
And you could easily watch a season a totally different way if you
really wanted to. In fact, it wouldn't even be all that hard. All you have
to do is go back and look at it again, but this time watch it from a
different character's perspective.
For example, watch South
Pacific again one day, but only look at it from the point of view
of Whitney. See who you think the "good guys" and "bad guys" are, if
you are following it from her point of view. Or see how South Pacific looks if you
only follow it from the perspective of Albert. I can guarantee you it's
a totally different storyline.
That's a great idea, Mario. I really like the way you think.
In
any case, here's something I have never tried before, in nearly three
hundred and fifty entries on the Funny 115. I am going to recap the
entire story of South Pacific... from Coach's point of view. And then I
am going to recap the whole thing again, and start over, and rewrite it
from Ozzy's point of view. And then maybe if we have some spare time
afterwards, I'll throw in a third point of view. Just in case you are interested.
Because remember, Papa Bear's story has never been told
Why did I choose to do this for South Pacific, when I have never tried anything like this before?
Well
you might be surprised by this answer, but it's because I think South
Pacific is not only the best season of the past fifteen years, I also
think it is the most interesting season of the past fifteen years.
There are so many themes, and tropes, and storylines, and story arcs,
and editing tricks being thrown around in this season, that I think it
is almost impossible to follow them all unless you start to break them
out separately.
Plus I also think this season is funny as shit.
It's basically like Jack and Jill
So at the end of the day, I'm going to recap South Pacific twice for you.
One, because it's awesome. And second, because of all of the jokes.
Basically
And then I'll recap it a third (and final) time at the end. Because...
Well... for now... we'll just leave that as a surprise.
Shh, no spoilers
Anyway,
for now, let's go through the entire season of Survivor: South Pacific.
One of the most epic seasons of all time. Without question, one of the
most underrated seasons of all time.
First, let's go through it from the perspective of Coach.
The much-maligned Coach.
The little-respected Coach.
Lord Douchley McBraggington
Let's watch as this unlikely legend pulls off one of the greatest Survivor games of all time.
Next up: South Pacific: How Coach Won
