#1. Coach Finally Masters Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long
Come on in, guys. Here we go.
If you want to see a masterful game of Survivor, here's how Coach
pulled off maybe the greatest comeback win of all time.
So Coach emerges from the helicopter on the very first day
And right off the bat, there's not a single player here who is
happy to see him.
WHAT THE FUCK? COACH?!?
I can't believe this laughingstock is gonna be part of our
season
Everyone is jazzed to see a legend like Ozzy.
But with Coach, all they can do is point at him and laugh.
Look at him, he's still got that stupid little bun
I wonder where his feathers are?
Wow, I guess his back got a lot better. He's not crying like
a baby anymore.
The two returning players walk over to Jeff
Probst.
And right from the start, we get an idea of which one of the two is
considered a legend.
And which one isn't.
Ozzy can climb. He can fish. He's
fast.
He's... just... an amazing athlete.
He's somebody you want to have on your tribe.
Well said, my dear. And as for me?
Annnnnnd Coach...
You know, he's just going to be so loony and out there.
He's just gonna be nuts.
So Ozzy is the star. And Coach is just nuts.
Got it.
When a titan squares off against a titan fucking Coach
Just to drive the point home, Probst asks everyone for their opinions
on the two new returnees.
"Woman in the front."
"Christine."
I don't care.
"Woman in the front, reaction to seeing Coach and Ozzy?"
Naturally, Christine is a little more impressed by one of
them than the other one.
"Ozzy and the Dragon Warrior?"
Ha ha
And then, of course, comes the blatant mockery.
hwaaaaaaaa
Coach laughs, but the mockery hurts inside
Probst, of course, is none too pleased with this. Because
this is South Pacific, damnit. This is a returnee season.
The last thing he wants is some rando making a mockery of
his superstars.
Hey! Respect the talent!
Okay
So then what do you think of Ozzy and Coach?
hwaaaaaaa
STOP!
Sorry
Two minutes into the game, this is already Coach's soul
Eventually, Probst gets a straight answer out of the Woman in
the Front.
What do you really think of Ozzy and Coach?
And... from Coach's point of view... this answer isn't actually any
better.
"It's good to see 'em. You know."
"It's nice."
The rest of the players nervously laugh around her.
"Nice? Meaning...?"
"They're temporary players."
And there it is. Woman in the Front actually said out loud
what everyone was probably thinking on the inside. The returnees
(mostly Coach) are only temporary players.
Ohhhh snap, goes Papa Bear
Well screw you lady, thinks Coach
hwaaaaaaaa
Other stuff happens here too, of course. Some of the new players
actually get to introduce themselves.
Most of them aren't important yet, but will become important
to Coach later. So just hang on.
And now Jeff asks if they want to know which returnee will
be assigned to which tribe.
Wanna know which returnee is gonna dominate your airtime?
And with that, Ozzy and Coach each randomly draw an egg.
I like this one. It is round and firm, like Amanda's boob.
This egg reminds me of the ancient rune Hagalaz, which symbolized the ancient chasm. The void that existed before Odin willed himself to be.
Annnnnd with that... they both smash...
For the fourth time this week, Ozzy shoots liquid onto
somebody's chest
"Yay! We got Ozzy!", says the orange tribe
"Crap. They got Ozzy", says the blue tribe
Ohhhh snap, thinks Papa Bear again, we got Ozzy
And from here on out, the reactions of the two tribes could not be more
different.
Ozzy! We got freakin' Ozzy!
When your new tribesmate is Coach
Ozzy is immediately embraced and revered by his new tribe, of course.
My people! My OnlyFans Patrons! Yay!
OZZY! WE LOVE YOU!
And Coach is immediately given the stink eye, and basically told to
drop dead.
"I did not want to see his egg bleed blue."
"I've never ever seen a Dragon Slayer."
"And god, there aint no dragons."
"Hell, he's in his forties, you know? Ha ha. God."
And this is where Coach's descent into nightmare begins.
Coach, go hang out with those people who think you're a tool
When they hate you, but they don't even realize how much you
can bench yet
So Coach gets to meet the Upolus.
Hi. Call me Ben and I'll cut you.
And already, he can tell there's a very weird vibe over here.
My god, he smells like a trumpet
They don't even embrace him, like Savaii did with Ozzy.
In Coach's case, they just make him stand on the end.
Hey could you guys scooch over? I'd like to be part of the
team photo.
Coach is forced to stand there in the back, and pretend to
enjoy Savaii having a love orgy with Ozzy.
Oh wow, I guess that's what love looks like
This is gonna be a long game
Oh... and then... as if being hated by his tribe wasn't bad enough...
Guess what fresh hell Probst ALSO immediately has in store for him?
"It is time to get to our first challenge."
"It is a hero challenge. Ozzy is going to square off...
against Coach."
YES! A hero challenge! YES!
Heh. Fun.
Right off the bat, Coach is immediately put on the spot.
And forced to compete head to head with probably the greatest individual
challenge beast of all time.
SAVAII! FOR YOU! I SHALL WIN THIS FOR MY PEOPLE!
Oz-zy! Oz-zy! Oz-zy! Oz-zy!
And once again...
The reaction shots.
Don't fuck this up, Dragon Slinger
Probst does give Coach a small amount of false hope.
The challenge is going to be throwing things underhand at a bunch of
tiles
YES! UNDERHAND AT TILES! FOR THE WIN!
Just kidding. It's a multi-tiered obstacle course.
Awwww fuck
Anyway... guess who wins the first big hero challenge?
Hint, it's not him
It's him
Coach tries his best, but Ozzy pretty much just dusts him in the first
big head to head showdown.
Guys I'm stuck. Please help.
Done
FOR SAVAII!
YAY!!!!!!
Oz-zy! Oz-zy! Oz-zy! Oz-zy!
And this looks like it will be Coach's destiny
in Survivor: South Pacific.
The choker on puzzles
The guy who Ozzy will repeatedly make a bitch out of
The slayer of no one
And as the Upolus filter out of Redemption Arena, and head back to
camp...
They don't even bother introducing themselves to him
It's already such a sure thing that he will be going home first, that
they don't even talk to him.
"Hey guys, do you know who would be cool to have on our
tribe? Ozzy."
And this leads to one of the most legitimately sad moments you're going
to see all season.
Where Coach is sitting all alone. Without a friend in the
world.
He doesn't even have Tyson around to maybe give him a pep talk.
Next time win the hero challenge. People like when you win a
hero challenge.
And next time smash your egg across your chest like Ozzy.
That looked cool.
The only Upolu who even bothers to speak to him on the way out
is Edna.
Who feels bad for the guy, and comes back and helps him load up his bag.
Hey Coach, need any help? I'm Edna.
I'm an anesthesiologist. Let me know if you ever need
anything anesthetized.
Edna's kind of an odd little person.
But for now, she's pretty much all that he has.
Oh, if you want, I'll eat a piece of your shit later. Just ask.
Thank you, little one. And so you shall.
So that's one. Coach has ONE measly friend in the world right now.
Hey Edna, back in Tocantins, did you hear me say Dragon
Slayer?
But hey, at least one is better than none.
Friends through eternity- loyalty, honesty
And with that, let's begin the greatest comeback you are ever going
to see in the history of Survivor.
Yes, I'd argue it is even better than Chris Daugherty's.
In just one season, we're about to witness Coach's
transformation from a Survivor nobody...
