1. Coach Finally Masters Survivor

The Funny 115 - The Third One

#1. Coach Finally Masters Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long

So we're back at Camp Upolu now.

And for the first time ever in his Survivor career...

"I was afraid."

The Mighty Dragon Slayer can already see the writing on the wall.

He walks at the back of his tribe

Everyone is already shooting daggers at him

No one on the tribe will even talk to him, except Edna.

And she's weird

And this is where Coach, who... remember... is a legitimate motivational figure in real life, finally shows us the kinds of things he can do.

In a confessional, he sits down, and he gives us some really good life advice. This is something that's actually important for any young person out there in the world to hear, it doesn't only apply to Survivor.

He explains the only way a person can possibly climb out of a hole like this.

"Right now I gotta face my biggest fear: You're goin' home first."

"Because unfortunately, you can't run away from obstacles in life."

"You have to confront them."

So Coach confronts the biggest fear he has ever faced in this game: immediate shunning. And he does it in a way that would make the greatest players in Survivor history proud.

He basically just goes out there in front of everyone, and he disarms them.

"First off, guys. I'm not a threat. I'm not a strategic player."

"I'm straight as an arrow. That has always been my downfall."

"So don't look at me as a threat."

That's good. Cause we weren't looking at you as a threat.

And here's where the "coach" side of Coach Wade finally shows itself.

"I'm sorry I lost the challenge..."

"... but what I really liked about it was that it was a team effort."

Note that he's not wrong here. Even though he lost, it really was a team effort. The Upolus were actually trying to help him beat Ozzy.

Team Upolu

Okay, so maybe Rick didn't help very much

So Coach goes around the circle, and he thanks everyone.

Thanks guys. That felt awesome.

This is a very humble way to approach Survivor. It is also very smart.

And it soon leads to a breaking of the ice, with the Upolus all introducing themselves to each another.

Says the guy who is dressed like a rancher

"I'm actually a coach," says Albert. "We already have something in common."

Coach is amazed.

Oh my god, there's another COACH on the tribe???

Holy crap, a new assistant coach.

What a time to be alive.

Coach already knows who his number one ally will be

"I am also a baseball," notes Albert

And then we come to this young random dark-haired girl.

"I just graduated college," she says. "Like four days ago."

One of the other tribesmates asks what she studied.

"I was a Russian and economics major," she says.

And just like that, Coach now has something in common with TWO different members of the tribe.

Oh my word!

Albert, of course, is a baseball. And Coach is a big fan of baseball.

And Sophie just graduated with a degree in Russian.

Coach, of course, invented Russian. And often writes poetry in it.

Coach hears this, and he immediately addresses young Sophie in Russian.

"You know, Marcus Aurelius actually invented the McRib", he points out

"I hope your asthma has finally cleared up", she answers

"Are you willing to be my new wizard?", Coach asks her

"Do your Tai Chi in private", she suggests, "People mock you."

Sophie and Coach converse in the mother tongue for a moment. And just like that, Coach has now made TWO potential valuable allies.

Albert and Sophie.

Two people he already has something in common with.

Also, Sophie smiles non-evilly. And that's a very big plus.

Coach goes around the circle for a while, and pretty soon he is familiar with everyone on the tribe.

Including some of the people who maybe he DOESN'T quite click with.

My birth name? No, it's not Benjamin. I don't even know why you would think that.

What do you mean I'm all kahoots? I don't even know what you're saying.

No, I don't know any Halloween jokes. It's the last day of May, what the fuck?

Coach doesn't necessarily mesh with everyone. But it doesn't matter. Because at least HE has been here before, playing Survivor, and THEY haven't.

And that's why the tribe leans on him pretty heavily when they start to put together their shelter.

This is how you weave a palm frond, he shows Edna

"You're amazing!", he tells Sophie in Russian

He confirms with Rick that yes, size does indeed matter to the Dragon Slayer

He even busts out the newest weapon in his arsenal this season: His awesome new collection of Chuckie the Cheese jokes.

You know, if Chuckie were Erik Cardona, they'd call him "Chuckie In Trees."

And in almost no time at all, Coach has already gone from "That dingus who thinks he's a ninja", to "The guy who actually knows what he's doing out here." And "The only capable one."

Edna even comments on how valuable he has quickly become to the tribe.

"I like Coach. I think he's a team player."

"He's definitely working well with others."

"And he's showing us little tiny tricks, little things like that."

If you have to kill Mikayla, you want to hit her with this side. That's the sharp side.

"Right now I think he's an asset."

Not bad for a guy who... a couple of hours ago... was absolute dead man walking.

A guy who they wouldn't even let stand on their mat

Now... realistically... Coach should still be in trouble if Upolu were to go to the first Tribal Council. After all, for all intents and purposes, he is still a huge wild card. And he's not really one of them, yet. He is still a huge outsider.

"No one in this game is honorable," Sophie points out in Russian, "Except you."

But Coach is going to get verrrrrry lucky at this point in the game. Because somebody else on the tribe is going to paint a huge target on her back for elimination, and instantly take the target off of him.

And just WHO is the mystery woman who is actually going to save Coach's bacon, and draw all the focus towards her?

Not surprisingly, it's The Woman in Front

hwaaaaaaaaa

While the rest of the tribe is building the shelter, Woman in Front goes off and she blatantly looks for a hidden immunity idol.

Thus, ironically, becoming a temporary player

Because when the others notice she is looking for idols, and not helping...

This is something they frown upon.

The audacity

Coach even tells us that Christine is the number one target that has to go home.

Because she's smart, and because she's mouthy... and because she's dangerous.

"Christine scares me the most."

"She said, right off the bat, you are a temporary player."

"And then she goes lookin' for the immunity idol like crazy."

"Right now we should be making this as livable as possible, not looking for idols."

"No question about it, Christine is target number one."

And so really, this becomes Coach's lot in life on the first day on Upolu.

He's the guy who helps everyone out

And observes everything around camp

And tries his best to figure out Stacey.

What do you mean I have a story? I don't have a story. And stop booping me.

And slowly, but surely, starts picking out the people he might actually have something in common with.

Like this fine young gentleman, Brandon

Turns out they were both once teabagged by Russell Hantz

And at the end of the day, this is where Coach finally solidifies his alliance of five.

Night one on Upolu. The night where the magic happens.

Now... before we get to this next scene, which I'd argue is easily one the most pivotal scenes of the season... I have to sort of step out of the entry a little, and repeat to you something that Coach once mentioned to me in an interview. I generally don't like to insert myself into the writeups this way, but this is so pivotal to why Coach finally does well in South Pacific, that I feel I have to repeat it.

Coach once told me that his biggest personality flaw in Tocantins, and again his biggest personality flaw in Heroes vs Villains, was that he didn't have much of a sense of humor about himself. When other players took digs at him, or made fun of his whole "Dragon Slayer" shtick, he would always take it personally. And it wound up causing him a lot of pain during the game, because he never could step back and see that the stuff he did or said on Survivor was sometimes just over the top, and funny. In fact, he flat out told me he was NEVER able to laugh at himself in life, or in the game, until he read some of the things people (like me) said about him on the internet, and it opened his eyes. And that's when he realized how much easier it would be to just roll with the punches, go with the jokes when people made them about him, and be in on the gag.

He told me how much happier it made him as a person when he learned how to actually laugh at himself.

And that's why sometimes you'll see him tweet things like this

The reason I mention that is because if you watch the following scene, you'll see it's EXACTLY what happens on night one on Upolu. Coach is sitting there with a bunch of his tribesmates at night, and they all start taking digs at him. And because Coach has learned how to laugh at himself through his first two attempts at Survivor, he doesn't get mad. He just laughs along with them, and joins in. And I'd make the argument this is the BIGGEST and MOST IMPORTANT reason he does well in South Pacific. It's because the Upolus realize he is a cool guy in real life, with a great sense of humor, and they all want to hang around with him.

This is one of those things that Coach hardly ever gets credit for when you talk about South Pacific, and I thought it was important to mention. He really did adapt to his surroundings this time. This is why he succeeds.

Wow, Mario actually wrote something nice about me? I'm going to cry.

Anyway, enough with that feel-good shit. Let's get back to the story.

So it's night one at Upolu, and five of the members of the tribe are sitting out under the moonlight, just talking

And like I said... as one does... they all start taking digs at Coach.

"Wow, look at all the stars."

"I wish we had an astrologer here. To tell us stories."

"I'm sure Coach could do it, but..."

Coach can't believe it. That little dig from Sophie just came out of nowhere.

Wow! That was so savage!

The five of them immediately start laughing at this.

Sophie laughs non-evilly in Russian

God tells Brandon to laugh at it too

Albert is a baseball who likes jokes

CGI Rick pipes in, of course, with...

"YEAHHHH! DRAAAAAGON SLAYER!"

And yes, even Coach is in on the joke this time. He can admit that it's funny.

And it sucks because you know he had a Copernicus fun fact he had all lined up, ready to go

And anyway, this becomes the five-person alliance that will wind up dominating the game.

The five goofballs who all like to sit around and mock Coach.

Brandon, Sophie, Coach, Albert, and Rick

The five of them sit around and goof off for a while. And tell their favorite Dragon Slayer jokes. And then once the ice has been broken, and everyone is comfortable with each other, that's when Coach breaks out another one of his inspirational Ted talks.

"Winning reward challenges is great. But winning every immunity. That would be great."

"That's the goal."

"If you have a strong five, you can go so far."

"Even if you're down numbers at the merge."

"I guarantee you this. If you have a strong five, that have good vibes with each other, trust each other..."

"That's an almost impossible nut to crack in this game."

You can see that Coach is already taking a very natural leader ("coach") role in the group. And because the other people like him, and like hanging out with him, they're more apt to realize he knows what he's talking about, and he can probably take them all very far. After all, he might be THE DRAGON SLAYER. He might be a crazy person. But he's also been here twice before, and they haven't. It's clear he knows what he's talking about.