Ozzy Chapter 1 - The Neutering

The Funny 115 - The Third One

#1. Ozzy Outwits Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long

The last time we heard from Ozzy, he was being fawned over by an entirely new cast of diehard young Survivor fans.

Hey guys, what's up? Did anyone call for some heart, brains, and courage?

'Cause the Wizard of Oz has arrived

And you know how it goes, of course.

The fans went wild.

Ozzy!

Ozzy!

Ozzy!

Ozzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyyy

We were also being treated to an Ozzy confessional about how, despite the fact that Survivor had kicked him in the nards twice before, hard...

...THIS time around, his whole experience is going to be different.

"I've been the guy that's able to climb coconut trees, and hunt fish."

"I've also been really strong in challenges."

"But... I don't think I've had the best strategy."

"This time I'm more mature, and I've learned from my mistakes."

"I need redemption because I feel like I just haven't been able to lock my hands on the million dollars."

"I've almost been there a few times, and I just haven't been able to finish."

And that's where we were the last time we left Ozzy's storyline.

We were about thirty seconds into the game in South Pacific.

And already... above anything else...

After only thirty seconds...

It's clear that out of the two players who have come back to play Survivor again, against a bunch of dumb newbies...

"You have Ozzy, and you have Coach."

It's clear that one of them is considered a beloved icon.

And the other one, well, isn't

And this is going to lead us into the fascinating tale of Ozzy in Survivor: South Pacific.

A tale that is so majestic, and so epic, and so grand, that even the OTHER tribe is already openly pining for him.

"Ozzy!"

"The guy can climb. He can fish. He's fast."

"He's, just, an amazing athlete."

"He's somebody you want to have on your tribe."

YES! FOR I AM THE OZ!

"And best of all, he won't blame me for tempting his marriage."

"Man I so wish we had THAT guy."

Although before I get into the Tale of Ozzy, this is where I feel I need to bring up an important disclaimer.

Dis claimer? What about dat claimer?

Oh shut the everloving fuck up, Cochran

I mean, seriously. Shut up.

Okay, here we go. I gotta say this, because this is important.

Important ~~Dat~~Disclaimer:

These Ozzy chapters are going to be MUCH shorter than the previous Coach chapters. Although that's not really Ozzy's fault as a character, or because Ozzy's story is any less interesting. In fact, quite the contrary. If you put a gun to my head, I'd say I actually prefer Ozzy's storyline in South Pacific to Coach's, because I think Ozzy's story is a lot more perfect for his character. It's just an aesthetically perfect parabola of a story arc, as I will attempt to point out.

The reason the Ozzy section is going to be shorter isn't because it is any less interesting. It's more because Ozzy's storyline is just a lot less complicated than Coach's. There are far fewer details involved, and obviously far few characters involved. And of course far fewer little stories about mermaids and demigods and shit that I have to cram in.

Ozzy's story is just a humble little tale of a guy who starts off on top of the world, and then gets crapped on by fate every single chance it can get. And then he quickly winds up broke, lonely, loveless, and homeless. And then he somehow switches places with his arch-rival, who was once considered a joke, but who has somehow now taken his place as a god, up in a Survivor ivory tower. And if that sounds like the movie "Trading Places", well... it should. Because it's my contention that's EXACTLY what South Pacific is. It's a retelling of the old Eddie Murphy comedy, Trading Places.

At least... when you look at it from Ozzy's point of view, that's what it is.

Coach kind of started the whole outhouse to the penthouse thing

In any case, Ozzy's story isn't long. And it isn't particularly complicated, either (unlike Coach's). But it is fun. And it does include a comeback that I'd argue is among the greatest comebacks we have ever seen in the history of Survivor. Featuring more obstacles and speedbumps than it is possible anyone has ever faced and overcome, in any season of Survivor, ever. Right up to the point where... at the end... victory is right in his hand... and he finally has a chance to win Survivor... and break the curse of the Oz-man... and rise out of the ashes like the majestic Phoenix that I'm sure Coach could tell you three hundred pages of trivia about...

Right at the end, Ozzy DOES get a chance to actually win the game, and turn this tragedy back into a fairy tale...

And then, uh...

Welllllll...

Let's just say that if you enjoy Greek tragedies, I hope you have a special place in your heart for the "Ozzy in South Pacific" Story.

FUCK!

And hell, at this point I guess I'll just spoil the ending that I was planning to hit you with at the end of this entry.

You know how back in my first Ozzy chapter, I argued that Ozzy in Cook Islands was maybe the player who came the closest to winning, but never actually did? But how it wasn't really his fault, because he got hit with a new, last minute, first-time twist that no one on earth could have possibly expected?

"You know, Jeff... technically, we BOTH won this season."

"Give me that one last immunity challenge, and you know I'd kick his ass all over the island."

"Also, this asshole worked for Facebook for a while, so I'm now actually the good guy."

Well not only is Ozzy in Cook Islands one of the players who came the closest to winning, but never actually did. But Ozzy in South Pacific is ALSO one of the players who came the closest to winning, but never actually did. So that now makes it TWICE that he came within a hair's breadth of winning, but never actually did.

Well okay, make it a Sophie's breath

And this is where we come to my argument that... sorry, Cirie fans, I know you're going to hate me...

But I will always argue that Ozzy is the greatest player who came the closest to winning Survivor, but who never actually has.

Always a fluffer, never a shooter

Side note: Yes, I acknowledge that ninety percent of the people who are reading this are going to hate that last statement, simply because Cirie is so beloved, and because Cirie is always the stock internet answer to "Who came the closest to winning, but never actually did?" Well, unless you were kicked in the head by a horse as a child, and then your answer is Russell. In any case, yes, I DO acknowledge that Ozzy is not the accepted answer for that particular question. And yes, I acknowledge your anger about it. And if you want to send me hate mail and tell me about it, you are welcome to email me at RobC@RobHasAMailbag.com. Thanks!

Now, let's get back to the writeup.

"You think Cirie could beat this guy in a final challenge? I don't think so!"

At the end of the day, let's just say that even though Ozzy doesn't actually WIN South Pacific, he does gain even more prestige than he had at the end of Cook Islands. And I personally think his near-win in South Pacific is even bigger and more epic than his first one in Cook Islands was. So in several ways, between that, and the Fan Favorite vote (which he absolutely crushes - he gets the highest percentage of the audience votes, ever), one could make the argument that he was actually the REAL winner of Survivor: South Pacific, and not Sop...

Oh, damnit. Sorry. I forgot I'm not allowed to say that in this entry.

At the end of the day, let's just say that even though Ozzy doesn't actually WIN South Pacific... in many ways, you could argue that his legacy build was a much bigger story than what Sophie pulled o...

Man, you S.W.A.G. guys are bullies. But fine.

In any case, even though he didn't WIN South Pacific... let's just say that Ozzy did very well.

"Heck yeah, he did!"

Okay, whatever.

Let's just move on with the entry.

So it's eventually decided that Ozzy The Survivor God is going to be a member of Savaii

YES! YES! YES! WE GOT OZZY!

And even more importantly...

It's decided that this doucheturd is going to be dumped over on the bad guys, on Upolu

YES! YES! YES! THEY GOT COACH!

Huh. Great. Wish we coulda had the good one.

Ohhhh snap, thinks Papa Bear. This instantly makes us the favorites.

And of course Ozzy is instantly embraced by his loving new team, with open arms.

"My people!"

"I love you!"

This is amazing, thinks Ozzy. For once I am actually on the GOOD team!

Ohhhh snap, thinks Papa Bear. The Oz-Man called us the GOOD team!

Although Ozzy's assessment that this is the good team might be a little bit premature, to be honest...

Um, wait a second. Who's this poindexter?

But whatever.

For now, Savaii is the GOOD team. For now, Savaii are the GOOD guys.

And Ozzy wastes no time in proving that...

... when he kicks Coach's dragonwarrioring ass in the very first challenge.

"Hey Ozzy, do you think you can beat Coach if I give you a hero challenge?"

"But of course! Have you ever met me?"

Ohhhhh snap, thinks Papa Bear. Ozzy's bein' all cocky!

"I will win this challenge for you guys."

"For my people."

YES!! I SHALL WIN THIS FOR SAVAII!!!!

And anyway, Ozzy does exactly that.

For the first time... and maybe the ONLY time... all game.

He really will be The King of Savaii.

"Alright, big guy. You ready to square off?"

Yes, I am

"No, not you. I was talking to the actual hero."

Ohhhh zing, thinks Papa Bear. Probst is bein' all sassy.

"Ozzy, buddy, you ready to kick some asthmatic music teacher's ass?"

JENNA JAMESON, GODDESS OF THE DEEPTHROAT. GIVE ME STRENGTH!

"Alright, Ozzy's ready. Here we go."

"Dudes against dudes. This is what Survivor is all about."

"No girls at all. Just guys."

And with that, Probst's vision of the perfect Survivor season initially plays out.

Where Ozzy basically just wins pretty easily

Ozzy, the surprisingly good puzzle man

Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank god we've got the good one!

THAT ONE WAS FOR YOU! FOR SAVAII!

Yay!!

And as strange as this may seem, this will probably be Ozzy's one and only triumph in the game as a member of Savaii.

You got us taro, food, flint, and respect! We love you!

"I love this tribe, Jeff! These guys are amazing!"

"And the racks on these three hot girls? Incredible!"

"This season is gonna be FUN!"

From here on out, as surprising as this may be... it's going to go very downhill for the Survivor God... very deliberately... very fast.

Because unlike the love tribe over on Upolu, this tribe actually has a bunch of hungry young sharks in disguise

And the hungry young sharks are going to quickly start circling him

And with that, the two heroes head off to bond with their respective new tribes.

And as Coach is off playing footsie with his happy new Bible study group, and they're all drinking mimosas together and shit, or whatever, Ozzy is going to walk into a situation that is significantly less promising.

See, Savaii ISN'T the stronger tribe at all. He just doesn't realize it yet.

So let's head over to camp Savaii now.

And let's watch as Ozzy tries to lead a band of new players that one would call "splintered" at best.

And "hapless" at worst.

Oh great. So in challenges, I get Cochran, Papa Bear, and a forty pound beat poet...

Naturally, Ozzy is nominated to lead things the minute they get back to camp.

"We're looking up to you, Ozzy. Cause you are the man."

And Ozzy doesn't seem to mind holding this position at first.

I mean, why would he mind? After all, he's the one who has been here before, and they haven't.

Of COURSE they are going to nominate him to be leader. He's the one veteran.

"It's kind of nice that you've played this game a few times, and you know what's ahead of you."

"As a returning player, they want me to tell them how to do everything."

Here, Elyse asks Ozzy if the island will provide them with coffee each morning

Here, Dawn asks Ozzy if there's any nutrition in sand

Here, Papa Bear asks Ozzy what the fuck is even the point of a tree

"These people don't know a lot yet. And they need me to guide them."

"About fire. Is that real, Ozzy? Or is fire just a hoax?"

"I mean, we've got tall things in New York. But we don't call them trees."

Even though Ozzy is clearly the leader of the Savaiis, I should point out that Ozzy doesn't necessarily WANT to be the leader of the Savaiis. He IS the leader, because of experience, but it isn't necessarily the role that he wants to take on. Because this time around, he doesn't want to just follow the exact same path he followed the last two times that he played. You know, the two times that he lost.

THIS time around, he wants the results to be different.

"And that's why this time around I'm playing an entirely different game."

"I'm actually trying to play a strategic game this time."

And that's the thing I want you to notice about Ozzy's story here at the beginning of the season.

No matter what anyone else says about him. And you know, a lot of the criticisms of Ozzy as a player are really quite valid-- you know, that he's a one dimensional player, that he's a one trick pony, that he can only rely on immunities to win, that he's dull, one-note, and predictable-- a lot of those criticisms are actually quite valid. And I think Ozzy knows those criticisms are quite valid too. He KNOWS that the way he usually plays Survivor can't possibly win.

"I mean, if it didn't work before, why the heck would it work now?"

"You guys think I'm an idiot?"

And that's why Ozzy has determined that his game is going to be entirely different this time.

This time around, he isn't going to be the same old leader/provider that he was in Cook Islands. And this time around, he isn't going to be the same old horndog with a boner that he was in ~~Amanda~~ Micronesia. This time around, he is going to be STRATEGIC. This time around, he is going to play with STRATEGY. And hopefully, by being strategic, and by playing with strategy, he won't fall into the same traps that he fell into before.

I mean, if these people think he's going to be their leader... on every little thing they do... well, they can think again.

And if they think he's going to fall for the first pair of pretty eyes that he sees, like he fell for before... well they can just...

"Hiiiii, Ozzy."

Wait. What's this now?

Can I tell you a poem? I wrote you a special one.

And unfortunately, this is where Ozzy falls for the first pair of pretty eyes that he sees.

Pretty much the same as he always does.

"You want to be my lover, Ozzy? My boo?"

"I really think that you're boo-worthy."

"You're cute."

And you know what?

God damnit, it's still good to be the king

And anyway, this is where Ozzy instantly decides who his new number one ally is.

"Semhar? Am I saying that correctly?"

Uh-huh

"And is that from the French-African "Semharia?" Meaning Angel from Heaven?"

"I don't know, My Survivor God. You tell me."

And I mean, you can pretty much guess where this story is going.

One of these two gentlemen is going to mount her

Anyway, Semhar tells the tribe some poem about beagles or hurricanes or whatever, and Ozzy is sufficiently impressed.

"Her poem was beautiful. And I think she's incredibly talented."

"I respect her passion."

"And I would like someone like her astride me."

"I mean, alongside me."

And I swear, it's really easy to become Ozzy's number one ally.

I believe the main criteria is you just have to be cute.

Welcome to the Pleasuredome, lucky one

Naturally, now that Ozzy has found his new number one ally, he starts to instantly perk up.

"I've had a few tribes, you guys. But this is the BEST. TRIBE. EVER."

Yay!

"You guys, Savaii is gonna rock!"

Yeah!

"And we're gonna roll!"

Yay!

"And we're gonna kick the shit out of some Upolus!"

"Yeah! Let's beat them!"

All in all, it's a pretty good first pep talk by Ozzy.

"And we should finish the morning by all getting naked together in the lagoon!"

OKAY OZZY, HERE I COME!

"You know, I was mostly talking about Semhar!"

HANG ON, I'M ALMOST THERE. I'M ALMOST NAKED!

"Please, for the love of God. Will the rest of you please come out here too?"

"We all need to get naked!"

And you know how Ozzy said that... this time around... he is playing with strategy?

Well how's this for a strategy, ya strat-heads? Within thirty minutes, he's already devised a way to check out if his new girlfriend is actually the hottest one.

"Hey Ozzy, great idea! This is so fun!"

Something something strategy something tits

"Semhar, this is so great. We should come out here every day and strip down and just talk."

"Hey Ozzy, you're so smart! We're so lucky to have you as our strategist!"

I mean, come on. Even Jim has to admire how fast Ozzy was able to get the three young girls into their swimsuits.

"Right off the bat, BOOM. Bikini time!"

"Ozzy is already a legend!"

So anyway, that was the GOOD part of Ozzy's first day. Winning the hero challenge, and then instantly getting all the young girls into their bikinis. And also, making a new girlfriend. For a player like Ozzy, that's about as good as a first day on Survivor can get.

Oh, and how can you TELL it was a good first day for Ozzy?

Well you know how the alpha riflebird will show off its plumage?

And 'ere, the mightiest peacock in the pride will always open his feathers?

Ozzy

Well in the world of Survivor, the concept remains pretty much the same.

Because just like the powerful riflebird, and just like the dominant peacock, Ozzy is sure to show off his alpha male plumage to everyone.

And that's how you KNOW it was a good first morning for Ozzy...

Because it's two hours into the game, and he already has his pubes hanging out

Blurred for your protection. You're welcome.

Like I said, that was the GOOD part of Ozzy's first day.

And nowwwwwwwwww it's time I think maybe we need to talk about the other stuff.

Like the fact that they can't build a shelter

"Hey Ozzy, in poker we don't use a roof. Do we really need one here too?"

And the fact that no one here has any idea what the fuck they are doing

"Hey Ozzy, Elyse wants to know is this like Survivor the band?"

"Are the challenges going to be like "Sing Eye of the Tiger" and stuff?"

And the fact that he got stuck with the pasty white kid in the sweater vest

SHWONNNNNNNNNNNNG

Watching as Cochran accidentally machetes right through his mic pack

"I'm a little bit skeptical of Mister Cochran."

And the fact that Dawn breaks down in tears every six fucking minutes

HEY OZZY, DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE ANY EXTRA MOOD STABILIZERS?

In any case, let's just say that Ozzy's Survivor experience is going to get very not fun, very fast.

Especially when most of his time is spent trying to prevent Dawn from putting her head in the oven.

"Ozzy, we don't have a shelter. We're going to die."

"Relax, we've got three hot girls. We'll be fine."

"I mean, you know I'm Ozzy, right?"

And Dawn instantly breaks down

I don't need to show you every little instance of Dawn breaking down, and Ozzy having to stop work on the shelter, and go over to console her instead. But in the interest of showing how difficult Ozzy's job as the leader really was, here are some highlights.

"Ozzy's not a big planner. And it scares me. I don't think we'll be ready."

"Oh, we'll be ready."

"He's too Bob Marley for me. He doesn't have any work ethic."

"Look, I know... for my own sake... that I'm gonna be okay."

"But for everybody else..."

"The elements, the stress, the not eating, the daily labor of camp life..."

"It's gonna start wearing on people."

"You can see it's already wearing on Dawn."

So they have a couple of little heart to hearts together on the beach.

Where Ozzy explains to her what kind of mental toughness it's going to take to make it through thirty-nine days of this game.

"You just gotta put on a happy face, brah."

"No, not that one. You gotta put on a real one."

"You just gotta learn how to skateboard."

And Dawn breaks down. Having never learned how to skateboard.

"Come on, put on a happy face. For your tribe."

"Learn to chill."

And eventually, Ozzy finally gets her to chill.

"That's better. Now just keep that smile all season. And please stay away from the cutlery."

In any case, yeah.

Apparently that is now Ozzy's new hell.

On top of EVERYTHING else he has to do as the leader, and everything else he will be forced to explain...

"Look Ozzy, I don't even know where I can plug in my iPod."

Now he is apparently Dawn's personal motivation coach as well.

Which, again, is NOT the kind of role he signed up for.

"Whatever I can do to calm her nerves, that's my job at this point."

"I guess I'm the anchor."

"If anything is bothering you, just come to me. And keep fighting."

And Dawn instantly breaks down. Because she doesn't like violence.

"No I mean fighting in a GOOD way. Sort of like internally battling."

"Like, if there's a big wave coming at you, and you want to make it your bitch."

And Dawn instantly breaks down, because she doesn't like swearing

"Okay fine. Just believe in yourself. Will that do it for you?"

"I want you to believe in yourself."

And that does it. Dawn now believes in herself.

Mission accomplished.

"Also, do you know how many times they would rerun this clip later, if I was Coach Jimmy Johnson?"

In any case, Ozzy is putting out fires on day one of Savaii, left and right.

"This is exhausting."

And with that, let's head into the first South Pacific immunity challenge.

Oh look, here comes Coach. Clean and rested, after his harem has spent twenty-four straight hours giving him a sponge bath.

And here comes Ozzy. On six minutes sleep because Dawn spent all night crying about the plight in Sudan.

As always, the two returning heroes will inevitably nod to each other.

To you, my friend. To the champions on the field. To the glory of the most glorious.

May the path of the most righteous inevitably end in a triumph

I've never watched Survivor, and I don't know who the fuck you are, but okay.

And even though it's going to wind up being an incredibly close challenge...

It's hot nut-shooting action, baby!

In the end, Ozzy's going to make a tactical mistake, and it will cost his tribe the win.

His tactical mistake?

He lets his girlfriend participate

See, Semhar only weighs about forty or fifty pounds. And because of this, she has an exceptionally hard time lifting a five pound coconut. Which, as the knights of Camelot could have told you, is really just a simple matter of weight ratios.

Not fair, it's heavy!

In any case, Semhar is completely useless in shooting a coconut.

And Savaii loses the challenge at the end by exactly one coconut.

And Ozzy quickly realizes, man I just fucked that one up

And even worse...

He has to watch as those assholes on Upolu celebrate

And just like that, it looks like Ozzy The Survivor God will be headed to Tribal Council in his very first episode.

Which is NOT what the greatest challenge beast in Survivor history ever expected.

"One of the closest challenges I've ever seen in this game. Won by ONE coconut."

YEAH!!!!!!

"And best of all, you beat Ozzy. Who never loses in ANYTHING."

YEAH!!!!!!

Oh eat shit, Brandon

And with that, it's time for the quick, sudden overthrow of Ozzy Lusth to commence.

This will be the very last time the Oz-Man will ever be leader

So we head back to camp.

And...

Well...

"You know who we really need to get rid of? Semhar."

"Interesting idea", agree the three other cool kids of Savaii, "I mean, she was pretty weak in the..."

"I don't give a fuck about the challenge."

"We really just need to cut the legs out from Ozzy."

"Get rid of his ally, and that fucker never has a chance to gain power."

And honestly, there you go. That's it.

I know I paraphrased it a little, but that is legitimately Ozzy's ENTIRE storyline every single day he's a member of Savaii.

Every time Ozzy tries to assert himself, and steer the vote in a certain direction...

Jim will always undercut him, and make sure Ozzy fails at every single thing on Savaii, ever

Simply because Jim is a far better tactician when it comes to Survivor, and he knows it

In other words, despite the perception that people have of South Pacific nowadays, that it was Ozzy against Coach, in actuality, it was anything but. The real conflict in South Pacific wasn't Ozzy against Coach. The REAL conflict was actually Upolu against Jim*. After this first episode, Ozzy is barely even going to be a factor in anything.

* it's possible it was actually Jim, Whitney, and Keith. Or maybe even just Jim and Whitney. I suspect Whitney was actually a far more dangerous player than she ever got credit for in the episodes. But for now I'm going to simplify it and just say it was Jim.

"The Survivor God" will never have even the slightest bit of power the minute they vote out his girlfriend

And this is where I wanted to circle back, and talk about an important story theme that I brought up way back in the first chapter of my Coach entry. The reason I am bringing it up again here is because this is the kind of thing where the "Trading Places" analogy between Ozzy and Coach really takes off.

Basically... you know how there will always be a split between "the cool kids" and "everyone else" when it comes to Upolu?

The Cool Kids, who basically just walk right over everyone

Well let's just say that there's a split between "the cool kids" and "the others" on Savaii, too. In fact, if you look at it, Savaii is actually set up THE EXACT SAME WAY that Upolu is. The cool kids go off, and they separate themselves from "the others", and they form their own ironclad endgame alliance, pretty much on day one.

The Cool Kids of Savaii, who all think that Cochran should be stuffed in a locker

Only... and here's the secret that makes Ozzy and Coach's storylines so deliciously fun...

You know how Ozzy is maybe the coolest cool kid in the history of Survivor cool kids?

At this point in Survivor history, he is basically The Fonz

Well here's the fun thing about South Pacific.

And here's the fun thing about the dichotomy between Ozzy and Coach.

Yes there IS a cool kids alliance on Savaii, just like there's one on Upolu

But the irony of the one on Savaii is...

(whispers) Ozzy's not actually in it!

And this is the point that I wanted to make about South Pacific. And why the stories of Ozzy and Coach are so wonderfully reversed from one another. In a way that I don't think we will ever see again, in any other season, or any other point, in Survivor history. Just because of the specific structure of a season like South Pacific.

Coach's reputation is SO bad in the world of Survivor going into this season...

And his image is SO ridiculous...

That the cool kids on Upolu aren't threatened by him at all!

They're basically like...

Hey, let's invite this funny guy in!

Meanwhile, you have Ozzy the Rock God over on Savaii....

Who is the definition of awesome

And who everyone loves

And the cool kids on Savaii take one look at him, and their reaction is much different...

"Yeah you know what? Fuck that guy."

"You let him get strong, and he's gonna bang all our girlfriends."

And really, from here on out, that's why this story is so awesome. It's Coach the nerd prom king, squaring off against Ozzy the cool outcast. The guy who is so uncool, that he's been invited to be cool, against the guy who is SO cool, that the cool kids don't want anything to do with him.

Despite everything we've seen from both of them leading up to this season, they have inexplicably switched places.

"Oh Osvaldo, would you do me a solid, and fetch me my pipe?"

"How about this? I'll fetch you a cup of the shut the fuck up."

"Wow. Awfully big talk from a pre-merger."

"I'm sorry, sir. Pardon my insolence, sir. Do you want the real pipe? Or the one that blows bubbles?"

"Today... I think I'll delight in the bubbles."

In any case, let's just say that Ozzy's not gonna have a whole lot of power in this game. And if he ever DOES get a little bit of power, the cool kids on Savaii are just gonna take it away.

And just WHYYYYYY would they do something so horrid to a legend like Ozzy?

"You know why? Because fuck that guy."

Although you know what? I'm not being entirely fair to Jim.

He is actually a lot more diplomatic about it, when he explains it in the episode.

"Here's my concern. Ozzy wants Semhar around for a reason."

"Guys, we need Semhar. Her poetry's great, and she's hot."

"And Cochran couldn't have even picked up ONE of those coconuts."

"Cochran is really the one we should be targeting."

"It's round one. And it scares me that he already has a reason to keep her around."

"Her poems are just so beautiful, guys. I don't know about you, but her words give me wood."

"I'm concerned that Ozzy might get in an alliance with all the girls."

"He's got charm."

"I mean, I could see that happening."

And this is why no matter how hard Ozzy pushes the first vote towards Cochran, it's not gonna go anywhere.

Because the cool kids on the tribe have already decided that Ozzy can't get his way.

"Yeah true, Semhar screwed up. But I don't think we need to necessarily vote her out over it."

"Ozzy, she's worthless."

"But her poems are fantastic."

"Dude, her poetry sucks."

"But Cochran sucks even more."

"He's not coordinated. He's just not athletic."

"No one ever said you have to be athletic."

"I mean, Papa Bear's shaped like a panda. And everyone loves pandas."

"Cochran was doing his math homework in the middle of the challenge!"

"Doesn't sound like a problem to me. Education's important."

"Plus Cochran is the type of coward who would turn on us, and backstab every one of us at the merge."

"You think Cochran lives long enough to actually make the merge?"

"Cochran's a nothing, Ozzy. He's a nobody."

"I mean, come on guys. I'm standing right here!"

"Well if you ask me, it takes balls to step up. Semhar took a big chance."

"Yeah, but those socks..."

And anyway, that how Semhar winds up being the first one voted out of the game.

Much to the objection of Ozzy's brain, heart, sense of fairness, allegiance, and penis

"Now let's get out of here before Papa Bear wants to run out and get naked again."

HEY GUYS, ARE WE HAVING A GROUP FROLIC?!?

Aw shit, too late

Although P.S. I do have to point out one tiny little thing about this scene. If they had listened to Ozzy in this episode, and gotten rid of Cochran, it's entirely possible a Savaii member would have won South Pacific. Shhh don't tell anyone.

"I told you man, we should have kept Semhar. She wouldn't have disgusted you."

And with that, let's finish off the episode now, by going to the first Tribal Council.

And the Battle of Word Poet against Nerd Poet

And once again, I need to finish this chapter by pointing out a great irony.

As one of the least popular players in Survivor history (Coach) is currently having his dragon jacket dry-cleaned, and worshipers are hand-feeding him grapes and caviar over on the world's most comfortable Sleep Number bed on Upolu...

"Oh yes, yes, yes! You're too kind!"

... meanwhile, one of the most popular players in Survivor history (Ozzy) is down here in the streets. And he's getting shit on.

Oh, and he's currently getting his nuts cut off by a bunch of Survivor nobodies.

"Enjoy your neutering, asshole."

"And oh, it won't be your last one."

Hahahahaha

And that's the story of how Ozzy has already been smacked down by the cool kids after just three days in the game.

my torch
my fire
my oz

*our smuff*

The Survivor God now has so many sads

And yes P.S. I know that Ozzy wound up voting for Semhar too.

As your parting gift, um, at least I drew you some hearts

But he pretty much HAD to vote for Semhar. Because the vote was unanimous. If he didn't vote for Semhar, he would have drawn a big old fat target on his back. Even bigger than the target he clearly already had.

I can guarantee you that, to this day, Ozzy would still probably tell you they should have voted out Cochran.

"Heck yeah, they should have!"

Coming up next... you know what's even worse than "The Neutering?" Well how about Ozzy getting his ass handed to him again, in "The Next Neutering."

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