The Funny 115 - The Third One




#1. Ozzy Totally Outsmarts Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long



By the way, important side note before we start this next chapter.

Have you ever noticed that pretty much the ONLY person whose point of view we ever see on Savaii is Cochran's? Seriously, go back and watch the first couple episodes of South Pacific again, and watch how lopsided it is. You'll notice it is almost ALWAYS framed as the John Cochran story. No matter what else is happening on the tribe, no matter what the bigger drama is, or the much bigger storylines are, all the editors want us to care about as viewers is... how does this all affect Cochran?

If you want a few examples of how they do this, here you go.

"Hey you, in the red sweater vest you've never actually owned, but we forced you to wear. Care to weigh in?"

"Actually Jeff, call me Cochran."

Yes! This kid's got personality! Yes!

"You always call your favorites by your last name, and I plan to be one of your favorites."

Son, you're already one of my favorites

"Wow! This is great! Look at all the big names we have on this season!"

"Ozzy. Coach. Brandon Hawkins, hillbilly landscaper. Cochran."

"Cochran, since you're my favorite, reaction to seeing Ozzy and Coach?"

"They have so much experience. This is their third time each."

"They have so much knowledge about the game."

"I think they'll be huge assets to us."

Very good. Hype up the talent. You just earned a return appearance.

"I'm a huge fan. I'm thrilled to see Ozzy and Coach."

Very nice. It's always nice to find fans.

"I have two dogs back at home, and I named them Ozzy and Coach."

Okay, that's enough ass-kissing. Now shut up.

Who's this dork? We're enjoying this dork.

"Jeff, I call my crushing sense of anxiety "Coach.""

"And I call my complete lack of social skills, "Ozzy.""

"And now when they clash up against each other, hopefully it will be as epic as the theme this season."



Anyway, we're two minutes into the game, and Savaii has already turned into the John Cochran show.

"Do I have to say Pa-RUM-pum after each line? Or will you guys just insert that in the editing?"



And again, this is what the editors are going to do time and time again, every time something interesting happens on Savaii.

The first person who will be allowed to comment on things will almost always be Cochran.

MY HEART BLEEDS ORANGE FOR YOU, SAVAII!



And who, of course, gets to offer his thoughts about this?

"Ozzy!"

"We got freakin' Ozzy!"



And this is the way it's going to go for basically the first half of the season.

If something significant ever happens on Savaii...

Like, say, Ozzy realizing that no one here has any idea what the hell they are doing out here



Who's the one they're going to focus on in the edit?

Naturally, Cochran

"I'm a little bit skeptical of Mister Cochran."



And of course when Savaii loses their first immunity challenge...

Because of Semhar



Who's the one who immediately becomes the focus of the storyline?

"Damnit guys, Cochran is weak. We need to get rid of him."



No matter what is happening on Savaii (and there is actually a lot going on, especially in the first couple of days), the editors will ALWAYS simplify the story as much as they can, and bring it back to either A) how does this affect Cochran, B) how does Cochran affect other people, C) what is Cochran thinking about this, and why, or D) (and this is the big one) why doesn't Cochran fit in with the Savaiis?

In fact, heck, if you want a REALLY blatant example of this, look at who gets the only confessional right before they go and they unanimously vote out Semhar.

"Ozzy has it in for me, and he already wants me gone."

"This started as a dream, and now it's turning into a nightmare. I might be first."



And it's at this point in the entry that I feel like I need to point out something important to you.

Have you ever noticed that the story on Savaii in episode one (at least, the BIGGEST story on Savaii in episode one) had nothing to do with Cochran at all? The big story on Savaii in episode one was actually... how are Jim and the popular kids going to cut off Ozzy at the knees?

I mean, if you go back and you pay attention to the episode, that's clearly the most significant thing that's happening on the tribe.

"Ozzy CAN'T be allowed to take over."

"Because if Ozzy takes over this game, we all lose."



And because Jim and the popular kids are worried about Ozzy taking over the game, you know exactly what happens. We start the long, drawn-out process of Savaii sabotaging Ozzy every single chance they can get.

Their first Mole tactic, of course, is when they take out the one he has the hots for.

For insurance. Basically

Well great. Now I'm both flaccid and sad.

Muhahahaha



This is CLEARLY the biggest storyline in episode one for Savaii. The neutering of Ozzy. This is the important one.

Yet... again... how is it going to be presented to us in the episode?

OH NO, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO COCHRAN?!!



If you want me to drive home this point even further, go back and watch Probst's "Previously on..." segment at the start of episode two. The story he describes in his recap isn't anything like the story that we just watched play out in episode one. And this is a great example of how the show has always used that "Previously on..." segment as a very effective propaganda and/or storytelling tool. No matter what the biggest storyline currently is in the game (Savaii repeatedly sabotages Ozzy), the show can make you focus on an entirely different one (Cochran feels left out), just because they feel that other one is more interesting*. And I don't know if this tactic has ever been used more effectively than the way Probst does it here in South Pacific**.

* or in this case, because it will have a future impact, later on in the season.
** although you might want to check out Micronesia some day...


In any case, here is essentially Probst's "Previously on... Survivor!" segment at the start of episode two.

"Previously on Survivor... Cochran didn't fit in on Savaii!"

GET HIM, LADS! AIM FOR THE NOSE!

"And he just barely avoided the vote."

Oh no! I barely avoided the vote!

"And now the pressure is on Cochran, to make good before it's too late!"



To sum this all up, it's clear why the editors do this in South Pacific. They do it because Cochran not feeling like he is part of Savaii is obviously a major part of the storyline. At least... later down the road... it will become a major part of the storyline.

I mean, once we get to episode eight, for a while it will actually become the ONLY real storyline.




Hey Ozzy, maybe you guys shouldn't have shit in my rice



So clearly, when the editors focus on how everything affects Cochran early on...

It's not exactly accurate. But it's also not entirely inaccurate, either. It WILL lead to a huge payoff later, once we get to the merge.

And let's give credit where credit is due here too, Cochran is simply a fantastic narrator

If I were running a season, I'd probably give him two hundred confessionals as well



My point of all this isn't to bash Cochran, or to say that his storyline isn't important to South Pacific. Because it is. His storyline is clearly one of the most important parts of the season, if not THE biggest. And honestly, I don't even think that's debatable.

My point is more that... because the edit focuses so much on Cochran, and on how everything on Savaii only affects Cochran... as a viewer, I think it makes you miss the big picture. I think it makes you miss the story at the beginning that is actually bigger, and actually far more significant. In fact, I'd argue that this earlier, bigger storyline is actually MUCH MORE IMPORTANT to the way that South Pacific will eventually play out than anything that Cochran is ever going to have a hand in.

And this is the part of this writeup that, hopefully, will make you rethink everything you think you know about South Pacific.

Get ready to get your mind blown



I hope you're ready for this one... because this is a biggie.

Savaii isn't really the story of Cochran not being allowed to fit in

It's actually the story of Ozzy not being allowed to fit in



Because if Savaii wouldn't have spent every god damn minute of the pre-merge making sure that Ozzy wouldn't ever get his way...

Then this probably never happens



I'll explain this more as we go along in the entry, but to sum it up for you, here's a perfect little paraphrase from Jim...

If Ozzy tries to dictate the vote, we can't let that happen

And since Ozzy always wants to get rid of Cochran, well, we should probably keep Cochran...

... just so Ozzy is reminded he is never in charge



And anyway, if you're wondering how Cochran manages to survive THREE different votes in South Pacific...

Despite the fact that he has no allies, no skills, and he offers almost nothing to anyone...

Cochran survives!

Cochran survives!

Oh my god, he did it again. This Cochran guy is amazing!



If you look at the storyline... if you take a step back, and you look at the big picture instead of the recaps... you'll realize that little of Savaii's pre-merge had anything to do with Cochran (or Cochran being excluded) at all.

It actually had much more to do with the rest of the Savaii basically saying...

"You know what? Fuck Ozzy!"



And with that, let's continue with Ozzy's sad, lonely tale of being the ACTUAL Savaii outsider who was never going to be allowed to fit in.

It's the start of episode two, and Ozzy has already lost control of the tribe



We're only three days into the game...

And his "allies" have already turned on him, and voted out his new girlfriend



But naturally, the editors aren't going to focus on that part of the storyline at all.

They're going to focus on this other... Cochran... storyline instead.

"We decided we're gonna let Cochran try to redeem himself."



This is the part of the entry where I need to remind you that what Ozzy is giving here isn't technically a "confessional." What it is, is actually part of a much longer "interview." What happened was, a producer pulled Ozzy aside when they got back after Tribal, and they asked his opinion on a number of different things that were currently happening around camp. And in the final TV product, they chose not to include his comments on Dawn, Elyse, Papa Bear, Keith, Whitney, or Jim.

Which, had they been included, I am guessing would have been something along the lines of this...

"I can't believe those fuckers just steamrolled me like that. What the fuck?"

"I mean, do they not realize that I'm Ozzy?"



But no.

Because the Cochran story is going to be the biggest one later, out of everything Ozzy just said in his interview, they are only going to include his comments on Cochran.

I just thought I should point that out to you.

"I really identify with Cochran's passion."

"But at the same time, he needs to understand that if you don't put in the effort around camp..."

"And you don't put in the effort in the challenges..."

"Then you might be the next one to go."



In any case, this is why everyone and their mother thinks the story on Savaii was "Everyone mistreated Cochran." Even though in reality (and Cochran has even backed this up in interviews), it wasn't. In reality, the story was much closer to "Ozzy thought Cochran was worthless, and Ozzy didn't want him around. But no one would ever help Ozzy vote the guy out." The story was far more about Ozzy being powerless than it was ever about Cochran.

And of course, here's Keith pointing out who the REAL Savaii problem child is, in the very next clip.

"Ozzy's played this game before, and he's in it to win it."

"So I gotta watch him like a hawk."



And it's this whole "watching Ozzy like a hawk" that is going to lead to the SECOND time Ozzy is going to be betrayed and hamstrung by his so-called "allies."




So we're three days into the game, and Ozzy has already figured out he's being pushed to the side



And because of this...




He knows he's probably gonna need an idol at some point to survive



Ozzy, despite what most online fans tend to think of him, is not an idiot. He's aware that the tribe needs him around for now, at least for the fish he brings in. And also, so they can beat those assholes on Upolu in all the challenges. So he'll probably be safe in this game, at least for a couple of votes.

But beyond that, he is ALSO aware that the Savaiis likely don't want him around any longer than is necessary. Despite what they keep telling him.

Because unlike Coach over on Upolu, Ozzy is simply far too threatening.

I mean, not many players have this kind of athleticism and star power



And that's why as Coach is having the easiest first six episodes in Survivor history, where servants attend to his every need, and he is awakened each morning to an assortment of charcuterie and artisanal cheese...

Ozzy's out here on the streets. And Ozzy is putting in ACTUAL work.



In the words of the great one, Rodney Lavoie Jr...

We're three days into the game, and Ozzy's already got his hustle pants on



And this hard work is going to pay off at the start of episode two...




When Ozzy finds a hidden immunity idol



Yep, that's right.

The first player to find an idol in South Pacific...




Is our hero, The Outcast

"It's okay, guys. It's got a face on it!"



So Ozzy's got an idol now, and that's good. Because he's aware that there's very little chance he gets far in this game without one.

And he tells us how important this idol is going to be in a confessional.

"I really squandered the opportunity last time."

"I found it but never played it."

"I'm sure as hell not gonna do that this time."

"This time, this might be my ticket to the win."



And of course his teammates are going to counter, by saying....

Yeah I don't think so. No, it's not.



In any case, put away that subplot about the idol for a second. We'll come back to it again later, when his tribe once again decides to take his kneecaps out from under him because of it.

For now, let's go to the episode two immunity challenge.

Where Ozzy gets to show, once again, why the Savaiis are probably going to need him for a while.

The episode two challenge is the one where Upolu jumps out to a big lead at the start, on the maypole

But then the guys fuck up the puzzle, at the end

Awww shit, why couldn't we have put Sophie on the puzzle part?



And then Ozzy helps lead the Savaiis to a big comeback win.

Puuuuuush!

PUUUUUUUSH!

Yes!!!!!



And with that, Savaii wins their first immunity challenge.

And they even up the game now, at one win apiece.

"You're the man, Ozzy. Thank you!"



Because of Ozzy, Savaii now has both immunity, and warm soft blankets.

Which is a good reminder of why you want to keep him around



Not to mention that, as an added bonus to Savaii winning immunity today...

Now they don't have to listen to those insufferable Upolu twats all celebrate and pray again

Yes! Chalk one up for the good guys!



So anyway, that's episode two.

In episode two, Ozzy is pretty much the star of the show.

"But not as big a star as Cochran!"

"Who continues his struggle against the evils that will attempt to destroy him!"



Oh shut up, Jeff.

Aaaaaanyway, now let's move on to episode three.

This next episode is going to be a particularly rough one for Ozzy.

Because this is where he finds out that the second shot to the balls hurts even worse than the first



Even though episode three will wind up being a huge bummer for Ozzy, as well as for Savaii in general, it actually starts out on a pretty big high note. At least, in terms of Ozzy and his storyline, it does.

Because at the start of episode three, the tribes are invited to watch the first duel.

Which features Ozzy's hot new girlfriend



And this is wonderful news for Ozzy, of course.

Because there's nothing quite like the feeling of a good morning wood



And anyway, let's watch as Ozzy gets one last fleeting glimpse of his hot new Survivor girlfriend the one he has the hots for between Amanda and Elyse the woman he loves.

And hey, there she is again, on the left

Ozzy is enchanted by her



Meanwhile Coach, on the other hand, sitting on the other side...

Is maybe not so enchanted by his new Survivor girlfriend




Wow, so that was the one you hooked up with? She's cute.




Fuckin'-A right, man. I'm Ozzy.



In any case, despite the fact that he gets to catch a glimpse of his dream girl again...




"You know Jeff, this has been an amazing journey for me."




"But I wish I could have stayed here longer."




"I had so much love I wanted to give to this game, and to the world."




GOD DAMNIT SAVAII, YOU ASSHOLES!



And despite the fact that Ozzy is treated to one last spoken word poem...




"The word I am going to speak today will be "trees.""








"Trees."




"Thank you."




My god, she's incredible!



Despite ALL that...




It still ends in tragedy, when Semhar winds up losing the duel



And with that...




She is out of the game for good




And out of Ozzy's life, forever



And you know what that means for our hero, of course.




It means he's gonna need a new girlfriend



Although... and here's the important part...

Never let it be said that Ozzy doesn't bounce back fast when he is faced with adversity.




Because... my god... who's this dream angel suddenly sitting to my right?




I think her name is Alice. And I'm in love with her.



And really, finding a replacement Semhar is the only good thing that's going to happen to Ozzy in episode three.

From here on out, the rest of this episode is going to be one huge bummer for him.




"But not as big of a bummer as it's going to be for Cochran!"




"Because Ozzy finding a new girlfriend is just one more nail in the coffin of Cochran's chances to fit in!"




"Cochran now fights an impossible, uphill battle against the very nature of evil itself!"



Yeah whatever, Jeff.

Anyway, let's head back to Savaii now.

Because it's time for Ozzy to get whacked in the kneecaps by his friends again.




Remember that subplot that Ozzy now has a secret immunity idol?



Um, yeah.

Turns out that's not gonna go very well for him...




"The alliance on Savaii right now is myself, Keith, Whitney, Jim, and Elyse."




"But mostly Elyse. Because she's hot."




"And better yet, she's hot and she doesn't tell fucking beat poetry."



See, I told you that Ozzy recovers from adversity fast.

But here's the thing. It turns out there's one person on Savaii that Ozzy is even CLOSER to than Elyse...

Hard as that is to believe.




Is it me? Please say that it's me.



Sorry Papa Bear. It's not you. Although it IS going to be you later (more on that at the end).

No, it turns out this mystery ally of Ozzy's is...


Keith




"Keith and I sort of have a brother thing going on."



Editor's note: We never actually see any of that in the episodes. But please, take our word for it. Just assume that they're close.




"Keith and I are really tight. We're like brothers."




"And at a certain point you need to trust someone to tell that you have the idol."




"I just think he's gonna be a strong ally."




"As far as I know, he's really trustworthy."



And again, this is where we're gonna start up the whole process again of Savaii turning into a bizarro version of Rick Astley. No matter what Ozzy does, or who he trusts, the rest of the tribe is always going to either give him up, or let him down.

It's basically the entire story of Savaii.




"It's also the story of Cochran, who repeatedly gets shit on..."



Oh fuck off, Jeff.

Anyway, let's watch as Keith now stabs Ozzy right in the heart.




So Ozzy pulls his brother aside, and he informs him that he's found a hidden immunity idol



And of course, you all remember how this scene goes.




"Hey man, I found an idol."




"Oh sweet. Is it one of those two part ones, that we both have to activate?"




"No man. It's just a stick on a string."




"... I don't get it."




"It's a piece of wood on a string. And it gives me immunity."




"You mean immunity plus something else?"




"No man, just immunity."








"Haven't you ever seen the show before? It's a fucking hidden immunity idol."




"It's a fucking stick. It's got a fucking face on it. It's fucking immunity."




"Yeah but does it have a name or anything?"




"Like... Power Without Boundaries?"




"No man, this is only season twenty-three. Survivor isn't that dumb yet."




"It's just a piece of shit on a string."




Keith is so confused by this, that he has a tiny stroke




"Anyway man, I've got an idol. Don't tell anyone."



And of course you know EXACTLY what happens next.

Keith goes and he tells everyone.




"Ozzy has the idol. He just told me."




Whitney is disgusted by this




"Which one does he have? Is it Power Without Guilt?"




"Or did he find Truth Involving Confidence?"




"I don't know, man. It sounds like it's just a stick with a face on it."




"Hmmm. Maybe it's one of those super double-secret invisible reversal advantages?"








"You know, we really need to get you to a neurologist."




"Oh and also, fuck Ozzy."




"Anyway, let's go tell everyone Mister Porn has an idol."



And if that wasn't enough of Ozzy's allies giving him up and letting him down, let's watch as they now do it again.

This time, they're going to sabotage him in the episode three immunity challenge.




Because here comes the third showdown between the good guys of South Pacific




Against these assholes

And this one is going to be especially important for Ozzy, because this challenge is going to be the first big super physical one.




Which, as we know from Survivor history, is what he's the king of
So anyway, the challenge starts...




And as always, Ozzy's the man

But the problem is that Ozzy is only one guy.

And in a challenge like this, there's only so much that one guy can do.




Especially when he's got Team Dipshit fucking up all the rope behind him




Here's Ozzy struggling to do anything because he can't ever get enough rope




"You assholes! Stop sabotaging me!"




"Sorry Ozzy! We're just not very good!"




"My team can't even figure out rope. FUCK!"




"Previously on Survivor... Ozzy yelled in the vicinity of Cochran during a challenge."




"Thus costing Cochran valuable self-esteem. And costing Savaii the win."

"And begging the question... when will this abuse of Cochran ever end?"



In any case, Ozzy does the best that he can.

But the problem is that the team behind him just sucks.




Oh and also, Upolu has God on their side, and God knows how to unspool rope



In any case, Upolu wins immunity again.


"The power of this morning's mani-pedi will give me the strength!"

Why the fuck don't I ever get a mani-pedi?




"Coach has been PHENOMENAL with the grappling hook!"




Why can't MY team ever be phenomenal with a grappling hook??




"Ozzy, we don't see any grapes. What are we supposed to be grapelling?"



And just like that, Savaii is headed to Tribal.

For the second time in the game.




Because Upolu wins immunity again!




TIME TO FAP TO GOD! EVERYONE DOWN THERE, START FAPPING TO GOD!




"Oh God! You are so hot and so sexy!"




"FUCK! WHY CAN'T I EVER BE ON THE WINNER TRIBE?!?!"



And now, finally, here comes yet ANOTHER instance of the Savaiis teaming up to sabotage poor Ozzy.

This is the third time it happens just in this episode alone, if you're paying attention.




So the Savaiis get back to camp, and Ozzy knows they need to get rid of some dead weight




Savaii is hapless in most of the challenges right now, and this is a problem



And this is where I need to crucially point out that what you see on TV... isn't necessarily how things actually went down in real life.

It's really important in this episode (in particular) to be aware of that.




In the episode, what we see is Ozzy gets back to camp...



And the first thing he says to his tribe members is this...




"We need to keep the tribe strong, you guys. Papa Bear is too weak."




"We need to get rid of him."



And this of course will culminate in Ozzy getting his way (because Ozzy is presented as the leader of Savaii on TV)...

And it will end in Papa Bear being voted out of the game.




Oh snap, thinks Papa Bear, they got me



But this is where I need to point out that I had several of my readers email me as I was preparing this entry. And they all wanted to make sure I was aware of something important that came up in most of the South Pacific postgame interviews.

Something that, again, will completely change the way you look at this episode, and you look at Ozzy's story in general.




Because there was sabotage at this vote as well, you just aren't aware of it



In any case, here's a summary of what people pointed out to me repeatedly as I was preparing this entry:

"The reason Papa Bear was targeted at this vote (and not Cochran) was because Papa Bear was especially close to Ozzy. You never actually see it in the episodes, but apparently that came up later, in most of the postgame interviews. In episode one, Semhar is too close to Ozzy, so Semhar's gotta go. And in episode three, Papa Bear is too close to Ozzy, so now Papa Bear's gotta go. It's all part of the much bigger plan to make sure that Ozzy will never have allies."




Well great. Guess you guys want to always keep me flaccid and sad.



And anyway, once you know THAT, it makes the story of this episode much different.




"Because Cochran manages to influence the game, and swing the vote against his adversaries!"




"In an amazing show of gamesmanship, Cochran somehow outsmarts all of them!"



Well no, really.

In reality, it was probably more like this.




"I know you guys think I'm close to Papa Bear, but I'm totally fine to get rid of him."




"I'll do whatever you want. It's a team call."




Well that's good, because we were going to do that anyway. Asshole.




Oh and also, fuck Ozzy



And once you realize THAT, you realize what an uphill, impossible battle Ozzy was facing this season.

No matter what happened on Savaii, EVER, they were never, ever EVER going to let him get power.




And that's how Papa Bear winds up going home




Sorry, man. I love you.



Finally, to sum up this chapter, the story when it comes to this vote is basically, as always, "fuck Ozzy." But the way it will presented to us in the episode will be entirely different. In the episode, of course, the whole thing will be narrated by Cochran. Which will change the focus of the storyline SIGNIFICANTLY.

I mean, tell me if this doesn't sound more like the episode you know. Because this is the story you saw.












"Why does the vote always come back to me?"




"Why am I always the target?"



Cochran is NEVER the target in this episode. He is never going to BE the target, either, because the Savaiis know that Ozzy isn't close to him. And the people who are close to Ozzy are always going to go first.




Hey new girlfriend, hope you weren't planning to stick around very long



But alas, Cochran will almost ALWAYS get to narrate.

Pretty much any time something interesting happens on Savaii, the editors will go right to him.




And that's how Papa Bear goes home at the end of the episode three




And Ozzy gets hamstrung again




Yet somehow, some irrelevant guy in a sweater vest gets presented as the star of all this



Although this does lead us to an important question as we head into the fourth episode...




"My god, what move will Cochran make next?"


Coming up next... well, we had "The Neutering." And then we had "The Next Neutering." So of course you know what chapter is coming up next. That's right, it's "The Final Neutering."

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