The Funny 115 - The Third One




#1. Coach Finally Masters Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long



Now that Coach has his alliance in place - his merry band of jokesters and stargazers - it's time to head to the first South Pacific immunity challenge.




And luckily for Coach, the Upolus are strong



Naturally, because this is a "heroes" season, we get a nice little exchange at the start of the challenge, between our two returning Survivor legends.

Note that we will see this a lot, almost any time the two tribes square off or meet up. Coach and Ozzy will almost always try to acknowledge each other.




To you, my friend. Good luck.




No, not to me. To us.



And with that, we have our first showdown between Coach's Noble Band of Warriors, and Ozzy's Evil Faction of The Bad Guys.




Naturally, Coach hands out all the instructions prior to the challenge




Here he explains to Sophie how a coconut works



Ozzy takes the lead over on Savaii too, of course. But unlike Coach, he makes a big mistake in his pre-game planning strategy.

For some reason he lets Semhar participate.







And... anyway, Coach and the Upolus wind up victorious.




Follow me, my friends. TO VICTORY!

You better believe it, baby! OZZY! SLAYER!

DAMNIT!
By the way, one thing I think is important to note about the challenges in South Pacific is how damn close most of them are. This first one really comes down to just one tiny coconut shot at the end.




Of which Ozzy made many




And Semhar
(Semhar)                  made few
                                                          (some?)
             misses misses
                                             (misses like)
                                                     wishes
No pain




Well... that wasn't optimal



 The reason I bring up how close the challenges are is because it has a lot to do with why this season plays out the way that it does, and I think people tend to forget that. This season is a lot closer than its reputation in the Survivor community would have you believe.

I mean, think about this for a second. Nearly every immunity challenge in the first half of the season is a nailbiter. They almost always come down to one last burst of energy by one tribe at the end.

To the point that Probst is constantly making comments like this at the end of a challenge.




"One of the closest challenges I've ever seen in this game. Lost by one coconut."




"That challenge was neck and neck! Wow!"



South Pacific is easily one of the greatest, closest, most heated back and forths that we have ever seen between two tribes in the history of Survivor. Every time one tribe wins a heated, close immunity, the other tribe just comes back and steals a win in the next one. You're going to see it over and over and over. Neither tribe can ever really get the upper hand.

They are so evenly matched in the challenges, it makes for a fascinating storyline.




And that also makes every win that more emotional for everyone, because the challenges are close




How did we lose? We are so much BETTER than them!



Does South Pacific turn into a predictable Pagonging after the merge? Where one tribe just picks off the other one? Of course. And that's how it always tends to be remembered. But I'd make the argument that a Pagonging like that only happens for two reasons. And in the scope of a narrative, those reasons are both positives instead of negatives.

I'd make the argument that South Pacific plays out the way that it does because:

1. The challenges are so close, and so competitive, that neither tribe is willing to give away an inch to the other one. Ever.

and

2. The two tribes fucking HATE one another.




Are those motherfuckers PRAYING over there? To hell with all of them.



This second point (that Upolu and Savaii really hate each other, probably as much as any two tribes in history) is the main point I want people to take away from South Pacific. That kind of hatred isn't really normal for a Survivor season. But these two tribes just absolutely despise one another, for a variety of reasons. We'll get into those reasons later, of course. For now I just want you to file that away as you watch how this story plays out.

Yeah, South Pacific turns into a Pagonging eventually. Sure. But that's also a very shallow retelling of the narrative.

The reason it turns into a Pagonging is the far more important part.

Try to remember that.




In any case... in the first showdown in South Pacific, Coach wins



By the way, in fairness to the storyline, I should point out that Coach doesn't actually do all that much in this challenge. It mostly all comes down to Mikayla, Albert, and Brandon at the end.




The last shooters



But Coach wins the battle.




And in celebration... new, fun, goofy Coach gives the idol a saucy little spank on the butt



And we say our final goodbyes.




Good job, my fellow warrior. That was close.




Screw you. I'm stuck with Papa Bear, Semhar, and Cochran. This is crap.



And with that, the Upolus head back to camp.




Say it with me, my friends. FUCK SAVAII!



Back at camp, Coach does what he has been doing for most of his life, of course.

He motivates everyone.

And he congratulates them.




"You guys are thriving out here."




"In the wild, people either die or they thrive. You guys are thriving."




"It's great."



And this is where Coach's friendship with Edna will finally come back into play.

Remember how she was the only one who befriended after the first hero challenge?

Hi Coach. As a small Asian woman, I'd like to help you carry your bag.




You know what, kid? You're alright.



And this is where I'd argue the purest friendship in the game will finally start to develop.







Coach and Edna will spend a lot of time together those first couple of days at camp.

Just hanging out, and getting to know each other.




You know what, Coach? Stacey seems a little bit weird to me.




And that's how I conquered the Loch Ness Monster with my paddle




Your bag was actually very, very heavy. It hurt my back when I was carrying it.




And that's when Chuckie goes... I might be a mouse, but I'll still kick a pizza your ass






The two of them wind up becoming fast friends.

And from here on out, Edna is going to become his ace in the hole. His secret sixth vote.

His hidden weapon in the game that no one else in the alliance is going to know about.




Coach, of course, is delighted about this



Because in Survivor, just as in life, you never can have too many allies.




"I feel like I have been given a second chance."




"And Edna seems like a genuinely nice person."




"Loyalty can outweigh strength in this game, so it's my job to protect her."



Edna is not only going to become Coach's friend, and ace in the hole, she is also going to function as his spy.

And that's going to be very important to his future in the long run.




Because she can keep an eye on the rest of the tribe when he isn't around



And of course this spying pays off almost immediately, right off the bat, when Edna reports to him...




"Stacey and Christine, they're very close. And they don't like you."




"And Christine spends hours looking for the idol when no one's around."



And this is why Christine is destined to go home the first time Upolu ever goes to Tribal Council.

Edna has already sealed her fate for her.




"Coach you need to stop them. Those two are dangerous."
At this point in South Pacific, this is probably the most important relationship in the game.

Coach trusts Edna a hundred percent.




"I'm the biggest fool in this game because I'm always hopeful."




"That I'll find somebody out here that will play honorably."




"I will always be your ally, Coach. You can trust me."



Edna trusts Coach a hundred percent.




"Coach is someone I know I can rely on."




I don't bring much strength, but he'll be able to protect me



And again, this is why people in this game want to be in an alliance with Coach.

He might not have always been the most successful strategist in the world...




But loyalty is incredibly important to him



Oh, and SPEAKING of loyalty and integrity and honor, let's get to Coach's other big BFF ally now.

I mean, you knew he was coming.




God chose me to be here



If I could go out on a limb here, I'd like to make the argument that Brandon is actually the single most important character in South Pacific. Not Coach. Not Ozzy. Not Sophie. Not Cochran. In fact, the more you look at the story, the more you realize it's not even close. Nearly EVERY SINGLE THING that happens in the game (aside from the Cochran storyline) is driven by him. Both in a good way, and a bad way, but in almost always an interesting way, the season plays out the way it does because of him.

In almost every single way in South Pacific, Brandon Hantz is the ultimate story driver.




You could also say he's the wild card, but we'll get to that later



In any case, we just learned about Coach's friendship with Edna.

Now let's do a little one-eighty*, and learn about Coach's relationship with this other guy.




* 2011 Best Picture Nominee. Never forget.



Okay, so here's this nineteen year kid on Upolu. Some young little ex-gangbanger named Brandon.

The youngest player in the game.




Remember, Sophie was only twenty-one, but Brandon was two years even younger than her.
He was barely out of high school.



Brandon is part of Coach's alliance (because of that first night on the beach), but up to this point in the game, Coach doesn't really know him all that well yet. He just knows he's some kid.

But all that is about to change in the following scenes...




Like a good leader, Coach is getting to know all the members of his alliance




And the two of them spend a lot of time talking



And this is where we learn that Brandon really looks up to Coach, and he really admires him.




"I like Coach, I think he's a really good guy."




"He's played the game twice, with honor and integrity."




"And I wanna play the same way."



Coach doesn't know this yet, obviously, but Brandon has led a very troubled life up to this point. He's only nineteen years old, but he has had a lot of pain and anger and abuse already in his background. And for the past few years, he has been trying hard to turn his life around, and turn into someone who is less impulsive, less angry, and more noble.

He has been trying to turn into... basically... a person who comes off a little more like Coach.

A person who is known for being honorable and loyal.




This is important. Remember these words Coach just said to Edna...?




"I'm the biggest fool in this game because I'm always hopeful."




"That I'll find somebody out here that will play honorably."



Just like Coach has been looking for someone like that in his life, Brandon has been looking for someone like that in his life too. Just in the opposite direction.

And that's why Coach and Brandon are unexpectedly going to become the ultimate Survivor dyad*.

*dyad - specifically, sociology : two individuals maintaining a sociologically significant relationship. A set of two elements treated as one.




The ultimate Survivor pair



And so here they are. The players who will have the single strongest relationship in this game.

The Keymaster and the Gatekeeper.

Perhaps even more, to some extent, like father and son.

Finally meeting one another. And appreciating each other's full commitment to live honorably.




The Survivor God Squad



Now, for the purposes of the story, obviously the show is going to focus less on the father/son dyad between the two men, and they're going to focus more on the fact that Brandon is actually the nephew of Russell Hantz. Because for the purposes of most of the audience, that's the story that delivers.




Hey look Coach, I'm a Hantz!
















"Wow, the nephew of my nemesis. Here on my tribe."



But I'd argue that Brandon being Russell's nephew is only interesting for a couple of scenes. What's far more interesting to me is the relationship between Brandon and Coach. And the fact that Coach has NEVER found someone like this before in the game of Survivor. No matter how long he has been looking. In any season he has ever played. Never, ever.




He has never met someone who is so committed to the ideals Coach values



Back in Tocantins, the closest Coach ever found to Brandon was J.T.

And as we all know, J.T. was a hardcore gamer.

He never technically did vote for Coach (he never needed to, his friends did), but he was definitely willing to cut anyone's throat the minute he needed to.




Yeah I heard you say Dragon Slayer. And I don't fuckin' care.



In Heroes vs Villains, Coach was surrounded by... well... villains.

And he had almost no chance to find anyone who was committed to playing with honor and integrity.




This... isn't gonna work out well for a player like Coach



So now Coach is back for a third time.

And you have to remember, he has NEVER found someone who shares the same values as him in the game of Survivor.




And then here comes Brandon. His young Padawan.



I think it's safe to say... Coach nearly shit in his pants when he realized what kind of an ally had fallen right in his lap.




Because Brandon looks up to him. Brandon really admires him.




Coach is a giant among men in the eyes of young Brandon



We even hear this in Brandon's words.

Meeting Coach is more than just finding an ally for him. This is more than just the game of Survivor for him.

For Brandon, meeting a person like Coach actually MEANS something to him.




"I would never stab Coach in the back."




"He's my alliance, and I'm a man of my word."



And here comes the line that pretty much seals the deal for both of them.




I love your Chuckie the Cheese jokes, Coach. They're great.



Oops, sorry. Not those ones.

Let's try these ones.




"I believe in you, Coach. I trust you."



Now obviously that's just some throwaway line, from some nineteen year old kid on a reality show. It doesn't really mean anything significant in the big picture.

But then I ask you to stop... and think about those words for a second... and think what they mean.

And how much it means for a kid like Brandon to say he believes in someone. To a guy he has just met on a game show.




I believe in this man. Sincerely. With all of my heart.



And then ask yourself... how many times has Coach ever had someone say they believed in him in the game of Survivor?

I'm guessing it's not often.




Coach your shtick is so stupid. Everyone laughs at you.




Don't tell your stories about the Amazon. No one buys them.




Oh, and let me further elaborate. Motherfucker.



I'm guessing it was an incredibly powerful moment when Coach and Brandon finally hooked up.

Powerful in a number of different ways, for both of them.







And yeah, this is where the whole religious subplot of the season (which a lot of people hate, but which I find fascinating) finally starts to pop up.




And for thine is the honor, and the glory, and all the great Chuckie jokes. Amen.



The important thing to note here is that Coach is NOT the one who suggests making their alliance based on religion.

Brandon is the one who first brings it up.




"I intend to play this game like a Man of God."



I'm guessing Coach only responds in kind because he likes Brandon. And because Brandon believes in him.

And because Coach knows this is the kind of thing that is important to his young Padawan.











And so, really, there you have it.

Coach has just made his two most important allies in the game.




He has Edna, who is genuinely just a nice, kind-hearted person




And who is willing to act as his spy when he isn't around



And he also has the big one. The most important one.

Young Brandon.




His very first Padawan



Does Brandon have some weird thoughts about how the game of Survivor works? Absolutely.

Is Brandon maybe a little too religious and inflexible for his own good, and maybe a little bit messed in the head? I mean, yeah, you could probably argue that.

Is Brandon overly obsessed with scantily-clothed demon party girls that might be a member of his tribe? Well, sure. That would be hard to rebut.




But then again don't we all face our own personal El Guapo?



None of that is really important in a Coach writeup though. That would be more for a Brandon writeup.

Because this is a Coach writeup, all you really need to know at this point is...




For the first time in his Survivor career, Coach now has a Coachling








Next up... Why the Upolu dynamics are so important for Coach






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