The Funny 115 - The Third One




#1. Coach Finally Masters Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long



Before we get to the immunity battles between Upolu and Savaii... which, again, I'd argue is one of the greatest back-and-forth street fights we've ever seen in the history of the show... I wanted to elaborate a little first on Upolu, and discuss the way the tribe was initially set up. Just because it's important to note WHY Coach has the allies that he has. And WHY the story plays out the way that it does.

The important takeaway here is that nearly all of Coach's game this season came down to WHO was standing with him that first day on the beach.

WHO was there.

And WHAT kind of game they were hoping to play.




Everyone thinks Upolu was just a bunch of prayer warriors, but it's a lot more complicated than that



For starters, let's take a look at the tribe.

Here are the Upolus.

Having their picture taken together on the first day of school.




Smile! Everyone say Chuckie!



As you can see, there are nine people on Upolu at the start of the game.

Five women, four men.

Eight newbies, one returnee.

Six Survivor players, a Dragon Slayer, a rancher, and a baseball.







Now... just for grins... let's eliminate the two who INSTANTLY had no chance to ever win this game.

Let's cross off the two who were immediately ostracized.



             



We don't need to get into the specifics here, but for whatever reason, Christine and Stacey were already on the tribe's shit list after the first two days of the game. And the two of them would never fit into the tribe's plans in this game in any way, shape, or form.

So for purposes of this writeup, we'll just erase them.

We'll pretend Upolu was a seven-person tribe at the start of the game.




There's your tribe. The Upolu Seven.



Now obviously, anyone who knows their Survivor history knows that The Upolu Seven eventually broke down into "The Upolu Five." Which was the alliance that formed that first night on the beach, at night, under the stars.

Most fans (and the edit, of course) would say "It's the alliance that Coach put together that first night." But Survivor is certainly a lot more nuanced than that, so I'm not gonna phrase it that way. Instead, I'll just say, "It's the alliance that formed that first night under the stars."




The Upolu Five



Now, there are a couple of interesting things about the makeup of this particular alliance.

The first thing that jumps out at me is the fact that it consists of all four men on the tribe. Four men, in a tribe that originally contained five women. Yet somehow - AFTER ONE DAY- all four guys were already ensconced in the majority, with Sophie being the only one of the girls.

There are a couple of different explanations how that possibly could have happened (The women didn't all get along? Stacey and Christine were just difficult and nobody liked them? No one wanted to vote out the guys because they would need them all for the challenges?) For now I just wanted to point it out, because I thought it was interesting. This tribe was female dominated from the start, yet the men instantly took over.


 

Maybe Brandon was too distracted being surrounded by women, and they all needed to appease him. Who knows.



And now that we're down to the five-person alliance, here's where we get to the part that I think is important.




So here is the Upolu Five, in terms of how it's presented in the storyline




And here is Coach's actual alliance, at least the way that HE sees it. This one includes Edna.



In Coach's mind, this is actually a six-person alliance, not a five. He has Edna walking around as his own personal spy, and nobody knows it.




By the way, at this point, we can probably also cross off Mikayla



As a side note, I wish I could find a way to work Mikayla into this part of the writeup. Because I KNOW she had to have been more integral to the tribe than she actually got credit for in the episodes. I mean, if you pay attention to the strategy discussions among Coach and the Upolu Brain Trust, she is almost always a part of them. She is almost right there right in the middle of them.




She's almost always there with Coach and Sophie and the rest of them, talking strategy




She actually appears to be especially good friends with Sophie



I KNOW Mikayla had to be a part of that alliance at some point. And if this were a Mikayla writeup, I'd probably try to delve into it. But this isn't a Mikayla writeup, it's a Coach writeup.

So let's focus back on the important players.




The six Upolu members who are important to the storyline



Now THIS is the group of six that I want you to focus on. Coach, Edna, Brandon, Rick, Sophie, and a baseball.

Which I am going to further break down into the following categories:




Two huge superfans of the show, who know everything about Survivor, and who are out here to play super aggressively




Three much less risky players, who are a little more balanced in their strategy, who you know are never going to play super aggressively




And The Dragon Warrior



When you look at it that way, you realize the dynamic in this tribe was never as simple as "The Five Upolu Alliance Members." Or "Six Holy Prayer Warriors."

What it really is, when you come down right down to it, is...




The two aggressive ones, forced to play Survivor with people who play the opposite way



And then in the middle there's Coach.




Seen here, explaining to everyone what the ocean is



Coach will ALWAYS be in the middle of everyone.




Forever debating if he wants to side with the smart, genius, aggressive ones... or the gentle, predictable, loyal ones




And as a man who wants to do the right thing, this choice is going to haunt him



The reason I bring this up this divide between the two different Survivor styles is because I feel it is very important to understand WHY South Pacific plays out the way that it does. And that the dynamics of the tribe were always a lot more complicated than simply "Coach and the Upolu Five just absolutely steamroll everyone." Or "Coach, Albert, and Sophie just outplay the shit out of everyone."

The truth of the matter is, "Coach, Albert, and Sophie" were never really even a thing. In fact, if you listen to a lot of the postgame interviews, you'll find out that Albert and Sophie were actually the first big Upolu alliance. And it makes sense. They were the two big smartest superfans on the tribe. They were the strategists. They probably recognized an ally in each other almost instantly.




The Original Power Duo



Albert and Sophie brought in Rick because he knew how Survivor worked. And because they could tell he'd be loyal.




And with that, there were three



And then THAT trio eventually joined up with Brandon and Coach.

Who, as I explained in the last chapter, wasn't so much a strategy alliance, but was a dynamic that was more like father and son.




And may Chuckie bless us, every day



When you look at it this way, you'll realize "The Upolu Five" wasn't even Coach's alliance most of the game at all. It was more accurate to call it "Albert and Sophie's Alliance."

After all, they were the power pair. They were the strategists who ran through all the probabilities together. They were the aggressive ones.

Oh... and most importantly... as a three-person sub alliance in an alliance of five, they were the ones who had Rick.

If shit ever went down between one side or the other, they were the side with the swing vote.




Yippee-ki-yay checkmate, motherfucker. We've got three.



It's my contention that Coach had almost NO power in this alliance at the start of this game. Despite what the edit would try to convince you otherwise. I believe that Albert, Sophie, and Rick held all the power (mostly Albert and Sophie.) And I believe Coach THOUGHT he had a lot of power. But at the start of the game, at least, I think he was probably wrong.

I mean... remember... as Sophie would famously say later in the season...




You take one look at Coach, and that's a guy you want to take to the end. He's a joke.



I believe Albert and Sophie DID learn to respect Coach as a strategist at some point along the way. They eventually did. And they eventually let him into their club. And that's the part of the season people tend to remember.




"Hey look guys. We three strategy guys are kicking ass!"



But I don't believe for a second that Coach was originally part of their trio. At least not at the start. At the start they didn't need Coach as their third, because they had Rick.




YEEEEE HAHHHHH! I'M THE ULTIMATE SWING VOTE!!



I think Coach was brought in as fodder from the minute Albert and Sophie and Rick (and maybe a few others) first laid their eyes on him. I think they brought him in because they knew he'd be easy to beat.




Come on, you think I'm scared of a Dragon Slayer?




There ain't no dragons. Ha ha. God.



And on paper, you know, he SHOULD have been easy to beat. The three of them should have been able to get rid of him whenever they wanted to.




With three votes against two in a five-person alliance, it's not hard



Again, you'd THINK it would have been easy. You'd think that Albert and Sophie could have gotten rid of the guy whenever they wanted to. You'd think they could have kicked his Dragon Slinging ass all the way back to the Amazon.

You'd think the Attack Dogs (as I like to call them) would have gone after him the moment he threatened their control over the alliance at all.




Albert and Sophie, The Attack Dogs



But then HERE'S where we get back to the point of this chapter.

And here's why I think the structure of Upolu was so fascinating.




The Attack Dogs could never get Coach out of the game, because he always had Brandon and Edna



Yep, remember what I said in the last chapter? How Coach's friendship with Edna and Brandon was going to give him a lot of unexpected security in this game?




Because Coach and Edna were such genuine friends...




There was no chance she was ever going to vote for him



And because Brandon believed Coach was an actual god?




Brandon was never ever going to vote for the guy, either



Just like that, Coach quickly had TWO buffers around him that would always protect him.




Brandon and Edna



With those two swing votes always around him, and always protecting him... and of course never in a million years being willing to vote for him... what it did was it basically cut off the two Attack Dogs (Albert and Sophie) at their knees.




Even if they had wanted to, they would never have the numbers to be able to get rid of him




Because they knew that in Coach's back pocket, he would always have these two



Brandon and Edna would NEVER vote for Coach, not in a million years. And what made things doubly frustrating for the Attack Dogs was the fact that Brandon and Edna were also the types of players that were almost impossible to work with.

Think of it this way. Brandon and Edna were both very predictable players. They were both very passive players. Who based all their decisions in this game on honesty, and loyalty, and friendship. And who they had given their word to that they would never vote out.

I mean, shit. Brandon was so insistent on never turning his back on a friend, that he was practically a zealot.




May God strike me down if I ever cast a vote against one of my family



Brandon was never going to vote against Coach, because God ordered him not to.

And Edna was never going to vote against Coach because she NEEDED Coach to give her protection. And because she had promised, on day one, that they would be friends to the end. And honestly, because she was just genuinely nice.




"I will always be your ally, Coach. You can trust me!"




I told you I'd even eat a piece of your shit for you!



And when players are THAT inflexible about taking any risks, or being willing to shake up their game, it's pretty much the opposite of super aggressive probability-hounds like Albert and Sophie. Who probably sat there and crunched numbers, and ran strategy scenarios together, at least six hours a day.




When you know you need to get Coach out at some point, because he could become dangerous



But you know it's never going to be possible to do it...




Because these two don't give a shit about probability odds



All I'm saying is, it must have been incredibly frustrating if you were one of the Attack Dogs.




Brandon and Edna are the exact opposite types of players than you, and it sucks



And that's why I wanted to wrap up this chapter by pointing out that Upolu was essentially just one big stalemate. In fact, it was a stalemate more than it was ever some big unified family of six. It was never really "The God Squad" at all.

What it really was, was The Attack Dogs, and their Cowboy... against the Loyalty Crowd.




And there was generally never a swing vote



And if you watch the season play out that way instead, you'll find it a lot more interesting.










Up next... Upolu and Savaii start trading immunities

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