The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#1. Coach Finally Masters Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long
Okay, now that we've established what the dynamics are in Upolu, it's time to get on to the rest of the season.
Which... remember... in this first pass through of the story... is really only looking at things through Coach's eyes.
This is basically the Coach-Cam
And so here we go.
Upolu is ready for their second big immunity challenge
Keep
in mind that Upolu is already ahead in the game at this point, nine
members to eight. So they're feeling especially confident going into
the second immunity challenge.
Even though they are the weaker of the two tribes on paper, they know they can hang with the stronger Savaiis.
They have already proven it.
You gotta pity Savaii. It's tough to beat eight players, plus Steven Seagal, plus God
So anyway, Upolu arrives at the second challenge raring to go.
And all snacking on pandera fruit
Which Coach explains, by saying...
"The team that eats pandera together, sticks together."
Fuckin' A right, we do
But then...
Sadly for Upolu...
That's when they meet the dreaded curse of the pandera.
Because the girls do well at the start of the challenge
But the guys screw up on the puzzle, at the end
And just like that, Upolu loses their first immunity.
Well, shit. Thanks guys.
By
the way, I have to insert a special quote at this point. Just because
it's something interesting to watch for as you watch this season play
out. This is from a reader of mine on Twitter:
"One
thing I hope gets mentioned, since you brought up how evenly-matched
the two tribes are: Upolu is never down in numbers to Savaii, but
they always lose right after winning. It's always one win, and
then one loss. And the key variable appears to be Edna. Despite
her being weak on paper, Upolu NEVER loses a challenge with Edna
competing. They sit her out every other round, and then they
subsequently lose. Perhaps she was more valuable than anyone ever
realized."
Anyway, I just thought that would be fun to point out.
Jeez, maybe we should stop sitting out Edna
In any case, Upolu loses their very first challenge.
Because Savaii went into beast mode.
SCORE ONE FOR THE GOOD GUYS!
And with that, Upolu now has to go to Tribal Council for the very first time.
Sadly, they are probably also going to spend all night shitting up pandera
Although again... don't forget that, at the start and the end of
every immunity challenge, the respective stars of the season are
usually going to acknowledge each other.
Well met, my good excellent friend. Because for now, we are even.
Eight to eight, for the glory!
And with that, let's head back to Upolu.
Let's see who the Upolu Five decide to vote out.
The alliance meets up back at camp, to go over their options
And it is quickly determined it will come down to two names.
It's going to be either Christine or Mikayla tonight
Christine, because she's dangerous, and because she is looking for idols
Or Mikayla, because she gives Brandon a chub
Yep, this is the first instance of the season where Brandon is just going to go straight-up wild card on everyone.
And
he is going to throw this massively huge curveball that everyone else
in the alliance is going to have to both acknowledge, and deal with.
And even though Coach knows this is stupid.
We NEED Mikayla in the challenges. She's smart and she's strong.
He also must acknowledge the fact that...
Brandon performs better in challenges if he doesn't have a boner
And these are the kinds of decisions you face when you are an amateur coach.
What would Coach Jimmy Johnson do here?
I mean, why do I have to face this shit? What the fuck?
But at the end of the day, don't worry.
Coach is always going to do the right thing.
We're going to vote out Christine
Because remember, Coach is noble. And Coach is wise. And Coach is a good decision maker.
And Coach will always put the needs of the tribe above the needs of...
"Because I haven't forgotten what Christine said on day one."
"Coach is a temporary player."
Also, hwaaaaaaaa
"That really pissed me off."
Alright. Well, whatever. In any case, Christine is going home tonight. And Brandon and his wee-wee can just shut the fuck up.
But my temptation!
Temptation is like a badly-proofed pizza, son
Be Chuckie the Cheese. Not Chuckie the Sleaze.
Although I should point out something that I think is interesting about the lead-up to this first vote.
Remember how I pointed out the split in the Upolu alliance in the last chapter?
Between the Attack Dogs and the Loyalty Crew?
Well in the lead-up to this first vote, this is where we see the lines of that split already beginning to blur.
Because who is the ONE person Coach starts going to talk to, whenever he wants an intelligent discussion on something?
Sophie
It's day six.
And Coach has already figured out that Sophie is easily the smartest one here.
"Брэндон вот-вот эякулирует по всему дому!"
Его нужно остановить!"
In fact, you're going to see it over and over and over if you start to look closely at the episodes.
From here on out, starting with the Christine vote, Coach will almost ALWAYS entrust Sophie with his most important decisions.
For all intents and purposes, he will quickly consider her his second-in-command.
Can you believe Brandon wants to get rid of Mikayla?
I mean, what kind of a moron are we dealing with here?
He even laments the fact that he and Sophie actually know what they are doing out here, and no one else does.
And that's important.
It means he has found the ONE person out here who he actually considers his equal.
She's smart. She's savvy. And she's blunt. And he probably admires that.
Anyway,
just pay attention to the dynamic between Coach and Sophie as the story
starts to go along. It's a lot more prominent than you think. She gets
a lot more airtime than you remember. It just doesn't happen in
confessionals.
Oh yeah. And then also there's THIS.
Which is something Coach is going to need.
Shut the fuck up, Brandon. We need to vote for Christine.
Coach doesn't have to be the bad guy in a lot of these things, because he can always use Sophie.
She has a harshness that Coach doesn't really possess
In any case, Coach gives one last speech to his troops before Tribal Council.
Where he points out how easy this game can be, if no one decides to get stupid and complicate it.
"This game is simple."
"You find people who are loyal to
you, and that's it."
"I mean, that's just simple."
"You're loyal. Or you're disloyal. That's it."
And with that, let's go vote out Christine.
Hey Jeff, she thinks I am a temporary player
This
first Upolu Tribal is one of my favorite scenes of the season. And I
could probably spend five pages going through the entire thing,
and pointing out how fun it all is. But I already did that in an
earlier entry called The New Adventures of Pissed-Off Christine. So go read that one if you want all of the Christine stuff.
I never got to hear him say "Dragon Slayer"
Anyway,
the gist of this Tribal is that Coach lays down the law, and
explains why Christine and Stacey will never be a part of The Alliance
of Trust. Because they don't believe in the magic of Chuckie the
Cheese, and because they're just shady, bad people.
"You only talk strategy to each other. You're never a part of us."
It's like my friend Chuckie says, you and I will never be a supreme
combo
In the world of pizza, you two are on a
knead to know basis
I don't trust either of you. You're pepperphony.
"So glad you're back, Coach."
"Ah, it's great to be back."
Coach does, of course, get serious at the end.
And he once again lays down the law that Upolu has decided to uphold.
"Survivor's a very simple game."
"You find people who are loyal, and
you try to stick with those people."
"And that's it."
And even though Brandon attempts to fuck shit up, and throw everyone a wild card again...
Guys, Mikayla just tried to give me a handjob
It doesn't matter in the end.
Because Team "Christine is Too Dangerous" wins out.
*smuff*
And I can't resist pointing out one last thing about this first Tribal Council.
No
matter how unique you think Coach is as a player, and how eccentric he
is with his mannerisms, he is ALWAYS going to find a way to add
something new and totally strange to his arsenal.
Every season he plays Survivor, he adds some new little quirk.
Like spelling out the word "DRAGONSLAYER" on his ballots, using numbers
Or giving the idol a cute little spank on the butt
So what's the thing he adds that's new in this Tribal Council?
Well when he's casting his vote for Christine
For no apparent reason at all... he licks it
Up next... The Cool Kids Alliance gets whittled down to seven
P.S. Special thanks to David Wachsberg for helping me with some of the Russian translations.
