The Funny 115 - The Third One

Ozzy Chapter 5 - And Here Beats the Heart of a Champion. Basically.



#1. Ozzy Outwits Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long


And here we are. We've arrived at the big one.

As I mentioned back in my Coach chapters, this next episode - "Trojan Horse" - is an especially important episode in Survivor history. Although honestly, if you take a step back and you look at them, episodes seven and eight ("Double Agent") are BOTH incredibly important episodes in Survivor history. And this is one of the reasons why I think South Pacific is so incredible. There is more going on in the next two episodes alone, than sometimes go on in entire seasons.

And yes, I'm looking right at you... "Survivor: When We Just Held Every Season on the Same Beach in Fiji."

"Hey guys, wanna know what you're playing for?"

"I'll give you a hint, it's the exact same shit they played for four months ago."

"You're playing for the leftover pizza the cast didn't eat during last season. It's been in my freezer."

oh goodie, yay

"And also, a small salad from Applebee's."



In any case, because the following two episodes are so memorable (especially when it comes to Ozzy's storyline), that's why I'm going to skip all the preamble this time around, and I'm going to jump right to the action.

"You actually aren't jumping, you're writing."



Oh shut up.

So anyway, at this point in South Pacific, the game is all tied up now at six members apiece.

It's now six members of Savaii... against six members of Upolu.

As we say in the industry, it's now the six spunky underdogs

Against the six dickhead cult members



And what's important here is that this is the LAST time the numbers are going to be even all game.

From here on out-- the minute it becomes six against six-- it's basically going to alllllll come down to who wins the following immunity challenge.

The seventh episode is going to determine which tribe has the numbers going into the merge.

And that's why Coach is praying SO hard right now, that it is actually giving him wood

DEAR GOD, PLEASE PUSH OZZY OUT OF A COCONUT TREE!



Although before we get to this big final showdown of good against evil, which is a fun one...




... before we get to that final boss fight, it turns out there's an important little subplot we're gonna need to go talk about first.

Because remember, there's one storyline in South Pacific that has been building up, and festering, and developing, and turning into a problem for just about everyone else in the game for nearly two weeks now.

And as we're heading into the seventh episode, that storyline is just about ready to resolve.

I'll give you a hint, some say it's a place that still smells of Matt Elrod



That's right, before we get to the final boss fight of Coach against Ozzy... let's head to the hallowed walls of Redemption Island Arena first.

And let's catch up with what's going on with this little badass.




Hey don't hate me for that. You know you laughed at it.

Seriously, a callback.



Anyway, here's the story on Redemption that we need to catch up with.

The fact that Christine is one scary mofo




And if you ever get in her way, she is going to cut you



Now, obviously, I haven't been talking about Christine all that much in these last couple of chapters. And the reason for that is pretty obvious - it's because she is really more a part of Coach's storyline than she is a part of Ozzy's storyline. I mean, think about it. Up to this point in the season, I doubt Ozzy gives much of a shit about Christine, or whatever her whole deal is. And I can almost guarantee you that Christine doesn't give a shit about Ozzy, or whatever his whole deal is. Up to this point in the game, all Christine has ever really cared about in South Pacific is getting back at the Dragon Warrior.




Never forget



I'm sure Ozzy is barely even on Christine's radar at this point in the game, and vice versa.




If your name isn't Benjamin, I shant rip your face off



But starting in episode seven, all that is about to change. For both Christine AND for Ozzy.

Because starting in episode seven, Christine is about to BECOME a really big part of Ozzy's storyline. And a lot of fans, I feel, tend to forget that. They sort of forget how "the Christine variable" is what causes a lot of the goofiness epicness we are about to see in the following two episodes.

Especially in this scene, which I'm dying to make fun of in a couple of minutes



In any case, all you have to know for now is that Christine is kicking the shit out of every single challenger who dares to oppose her in Redemption Arena. She has won four duels in a row. And in a couple of minutes, she is about to win number five.

Mikayla? More like Mi-fail-a. No problem.



And again, this hasn't really been part of Ozzy's story up to this point.

For six episodes, this has really only been part of Coach's story.

Hey Benji, how'd you like a big Long Island foot up your ass?

You know what? I would probably not like that.



For six episodes, Ozzy hasn't cared all that much about Christine. To him, she has probably just been some amusing little side character. She's only someone to be entertained by whenever he goes to watch a duel in the arena.

Who's this lady that's yelling at Coach? I like her.



And also... and I mean, let's be totally honest here...

It's entirely possible he doesn't even care about these duels to begin with

It's possible he's only here to get one last glimpse of his former girlfriends Semhar and Elyse



In any case, Christine has been a significant variable in Coach's story for nearly two weeks now. And she has NOT been a significant variable in Ozzy's.

But all that is about to change in episode seven...

When Christine wins yet another duel

Which makes it five in a row

And in doing so, she manages to knock out super-athlete Mikayla



Now... I don't know this for a fact, obviously... but I would suspect that when Christine knocks Mikayla out of the game, this marks a HUGE turning point in the game for Ozzy. Because this is the first time that Christine has actually defeated a major athlete in a duel.

I mean, seriously, just think about this for a second.

How impressive is it if you beat Semhar, Stacey, or Elyse in a physical immunity challenge? I'm guessing... not very. I mean, I'm sure they are all very nice people. I'd be happy if Semhar, Stacey, or Elyse were sending me Christmas cards. But I wouldn't call any one of them a major threat in a Survivor immunity challenge.




Remember, Semhar could barely even lift a coconut



In other words, Christine beating Semhar, Stacey, or Elyse in a duel probably didn't actually mean very much.

And I'm sorry Papa Bear, but your story isn't really a part of this either



So Christine has knocked off four cannon fodder players in a row. Big deal.

But then, in episode seven, she finally meets a real challenger in Mikayla. Who, I need to remind you, was a professional fitness model. And who had also played sports her entire life. In fact, not only had Mikayla played sports, she had recently spent time as a fairly well-known women's football player.

I mean, say what you want... but this is not Papa Bear



And when Christine is able to knock a professional athlete out of the game...

... THAT'S when Christine suddenly becomes a very big adversary.

And this is why Ozzy suddenly starts to be threatened by her



The minute she knocks Mikayla out of the game, Christine isn't just a variable that Coach has to be worried about anymore. Now she is also a variable that OZZY also has to be worried about.

And this development will forever change the trajectory of one of my favorite seasons.

Because Ozzy is about to get a fun little creative idea of how they can possibly get rid of her



Although... again... I mean, let's be honest...

It's possible he only went to the duel because he wanted to check out a lingerie football player



In any case, now that Christine has knocked Mikayla out of the game, and has officially announced herself as a threat...

Let's watch how this works its way into an entirely new storyline for Ozzy.

"Jeez, would you scooch over? Scoot the fuck over, nerd, you smell like Star Trek."



Oops, sorry, that's his old storyline.

Let's now delve into his new story arc.

"Wow, Christine. One more win, and you Matty Elrod your way back into the game."

GRRRRRRR. HULK SMASH. HULK DESTROY COACH.

"You are becoming a legitimate force."

"Whatever the opposite is of Amanda at Final Tribal Council, that's you."

Guilty. I'm amazing.

"You know, at this point, I bet you could even beat Ozzy."

"And you know, there are some who call Ozzy the Mexican Benjamin."

GRRRRR. MEXICAN BENJAMIN, VETE A LA MIERDE!



And this is where Ozzy's new story arc suddenly comes into shape.

"Christine has been on a hot streak. She has won five duels in a row."

"If we merge, she could either go to the other side, or she could come with us."

"Right now, she's a big wild card."



And BECAUSE Christine is a big wild card... because she's so crazy, because she's so tough, because no one can tell what she's capable of...

This is where we delve into the all-important part two of this speech.

"People are thinking that the merge is coming after the next duel."

"So if we lose the next immunity, it might be worthwhile for us to send somebody to Redemption."




"Someone who can beat Christine, and get back in the game."

"That way, we'd ensure that we even out the numbers."



And anyway, that's Ozzy's new plan. If Savaii loses immunity tomorrow (which they probably will, they always seem to choke anytime they tie up the numbers)... if they lose, well... I mean... why not just send someone to Redemption who they know can get rid of Christine?

I mean, at least that way, they'll be able to eliminate a big scary wild card.

At least that way, they know they'll go into the merge still tied up at six.

At least that way, no one post-merge will ever have to deal with this



So this is your big fun new idea, Ozzy?

"You know, you gotta make big moves in this game."

"And if we have to, that might be a big move worth making."



And you know, it's at this point in the writeup that I'm sure you'd like me to start talking about wisdom.

I'm sure you'd like me to sit here, and put together a pros and cons list of if "getting rid of Christine" at this moment is actually such a good plan. Because as many people on the message boards have (rightfully) pointed out over the years... um, why the fuck would Savaii ever want to get rid of Christine?

I mean, isn't Christine making it perfectly obvious that she hates Coach Benjamin's guts, and that she would never ever EVER want to team up with the guy?

If there's ONE thing Ozzy and the Savaiis know about Christine, isn't it that her opinion of Coach is basically this?

Hey Ben, I hope Savaii tosses your salad. Fuck off.



And you know, you're right to want me to delve into that.

On paper, it's completely ridiculous that Ozzy would want to take out the ONE person in the game who hates Coach and the Upolus the most. It doesn't make any logical sense that you could watch Christine yelling at Coach for nearly two straight weeks now, and your takeaway from that when you get to the end is...

"You know what I'm worried about? Christine might team up with Coach."



But you know what?

As much as I'd like to delve into the wisdom behind this... at the end of the day this isn't a strategy page, this is a comedy page. The only thing I do is I sit here and I make fun of stuff. So if you want to get into the nuts and bolts of Survivor strategy, and how game theory works, you'd probably be better off going elsewhere, and maybe listening to a podcast.




Like this one. Bangarang.



Rather than delve into the wisdom behind Ozzy's new strategy (which admittedly, is questionable), what I am going to do instead is simply fall down on my knees, and THANK GOD for the fact that Ozzy is about to drop this gem of a storyline right into my lap.

Because seriously, if you're the writer of a website like the Funny 115...

... these are the type of things that you live for.




"What Savaii needs to make this work... is a hero."

"I mean, if only we had a god on this tribe who could go to Redemption Island, and kick the shit out of Christine."

"If only there were someone on this tribe who was really, really good at challenges, and could get us back in this game."

"A hero. What we need is a legend. Someone who's practically unbeatable."



Producer (off camera): "You mean, you?"

"No, I was thinking more like Cochran."

"Basically."



And anyway, yes. Here we go.

After eleven years I FINALLY get to sit here and make fun of this.

Here's the scene where Ozzy pulls Cochran aside...

... And he tries to convince The Human Dodgeball Target that he is also The Chosen One.

Behold the mighty gladiator



And so here we go.

Day seventeen.

The day where the story of South Pacific is about to veer off in a strange new direction.

Our story is about to have more twists and turns than this tree



So Ozzy pulls Cochran aside after Christine has won her fifth duel, and he lays out his new plan.

"Hey nerd, I was thinking of something, and I wanted to run it by you."

When the popular kids actually talk to you

"You know buddy, If we don't win the next challenge, we're gonna have to send someone to Redemption."

"And we're probably not gonna win the next challenge, because Upolu has God."




"And because God hates the Savaiis."



And of course, cue the big confessional from Ozzy.

"I wanted to let Cochran in on my worst case scenario plan."

"This is something we have to do if we lose the next immunity challenge."



And now here comes the pitch.

"You know what would be great, man? If YOU wanted to go."

"If YOU were the big hero. If YOU were the one who would take out Christine."

Wait. WHAT??

"Because we need a warrior."




"We have to send a badass who we KNOW would beat her."

Um... laughs Cochran, nervously... wouldn't it make more sense if that warrior was YOU?

I mean, aren't you Ozzy, the badass?

Aren't you Ozzy, the Survivor god?

"I'm not known for my challenge prowess, man. But you are."

"I don't have the pink popped collar. That's you."



And here's where Cochran knows this scene is going to make it into the Funny 115 one day. Because trust me, he told me this many years ago. He said that this was the kind of stuff he thought about when he was bored out there when he was playing Survivor. He'd sit there all by himself, and he'd predict what his season's entries were going to be. He said it made the time go by faster.

Like this moment, for example, where Ozzy tries to talk him into volunteering to be voted out next




You can tell that he finds this amusing




"We need a legend, John."

"We need someone who has made love to many, many beautiful women."

So... you

"We need a warrior with long, flowing, beautiful brown locks. And camo. And a goatee."

Again... you

"We need someone who holds the record for the most immunity challenge wins in a row."




Pretty sure that's you

And you know I once hurt myself playing Mario Kart. Right?

"We need a legend who has already been engaged to Amanda."

The only contact I've had with Amanda is she once autographed my sticker book



This is one of those scenes that I wish had gone on for much, much longer than it actually does in the episode. Because I honestly can't think of a funnier discussion you are ever going to see on Survivor, between two more unlikely characters.

Ozzy really did think he was going to get a Harvard-educated Survivor expert to fall for this.

"Look man, if we beat her, we can get our numbers back."

"That's why we NEED you. We NEED you to step up."

"We need a badass who has already scored with at least eight Laker Girls."

Look Ozzy, you know I've got four at best, but that's it



Anyway, let's just say that Ozzy's plan to get Cochran to vote himself out doesn't really go as expected.

"Come on, man. You gotta do this for Aitu."

I don't have to do shit for anyone, Ozzy, and this isn't Aitu

Also, since when the fuck do you even talk to me?



And so Ozzy leaves the conversation frustrated. Blue-balled, even.

Which for him is a level of frustration he generally isn't used to.

"Fine. If we have to send someone to Redemption then maybe I'LL go."

"Maybe we'll send ME to Redemption Island instead. Would that make you happy?"

Yes actually, thinks Cochran, it would

It would make me even happier than that one time at Harvard, when I was with all the Laker Girls



And so here comes Ozzy's new plan to get rid of Christine... part two.

Which is slightly different than the one that he couldn't get Cochran to fall for.

"Okay man, so I'm calling this Plan Trojan Horse."

"Trojan, like the condom. You ever heard of those?"

Yes, I'm aware of those

"Okay, so Plan Trojan Horse is gonna work like this..."



And then Ozzy lays everything out.

"I don't wanna go to Redemption. But if comes down to it, if it's like a do or die situation, I will."

"If I go, I'll have to take my hidden idol, and I'll have to give it to someone."

You could just give it to me. It'd make me real happy.

"Yeah. And then afterwards... I'll go to Redemption, kick Christine's ass, and come back..."

"Unless, of course... you wanted to volunteer again."

Um, I actually don't even remember volunteering the first time

"Anyway, hopefully I beat her."

"And then I can come back here and you can give me my idol back."



And Cochran thinks... yep.

Great plan.

Sounds good.

So I just stay here with an idol and I don't have to beat anyone

"Sounds wonderful to me, Ozzy. I love it!"

"Yeah man, and then after the game, when one of us wins, we can go out together, and we can pick up some flight attendants."

Yep, we probably will



And so anyway, there's the new plan.

Unfortunately for our hero Ozzy... the cravenly Cochran has turned down the perfectly reasonable suggestion to take himself out of the game voluntarily, defeat a challenge beast who has won five duels in row, and then return back to the game as a conquering hero, climb up a coconut tree, and share a sunset hot tub celebration afterwards with Ozzy, Elyse, Semhar, Amanda, hopefully Mikayla, maybe Papa Bear, Lindsay Lohan, half the population of Las Vegas, Brice from Cagayan, and a bald eagle.

For some reason, this coward from Harvard doesn't see the logic of how easy something like that would be.

"You sure, man? I mean those coconut trees aren't really that tall."

"I think I've probably climbed enough coconut trees already. Sorry, I'm good."



And since Cochran is too cowardly to do it himself...

Ozzy is forced to take matters into his own hands instead, and it looks like he's gonna do it.

"Fine. *sigh* In the worst case scenario that we lose immunity tomorrow, I'll go."

"I mean... sometimes you just gotta, like, sack up and go for it."

heh, you said sack

"I say sack all the time, numnuts. It's part of my gmail address."



And with that, let's now launch into the second part of this very big and fun and memorable episode.

Let's watch Savaii lose the really BIG immunity challenge, the one they definitely didn't want to lose.

Let's watch them lose the episode seven immunity.




Nooooo!



Let's watch Savaii fail at the ONE chance they had to actually take over this game.




Although it was their own damn fault, really

Maybe if Savaii had prayed more, they would have actually been able to compete with The God Cult

*Heavenly eagle screech*



Okay so here we go.

Here comes, by far, the biggest immunity challenge of the season.

And uh oh, bad news for Savaii right from the start

In this challenge Coach has been asked to dress up in war paint. He is actually being told to do cosplay.

And fuck. You know that's like throwing gasoline right on a fire.



Sadly, there's almost no chance the Savaiis are gonna beat Coach now that he's dressed up like The Ultimate Warrior.




Bring me Hogan. Today I take down Hulk Hogan.

Also, you know that, at least two times a week, Coach still probably pleasures himself to this picture



And aaaaaaaanyway, sorry Savaii.

At least the comeback was fun while it lasted.

You guys ready to get to today's cosplay challenge?

Yes

Yes, but me even more so



Oh yeah, and then also... there's this.

As if this challenge wasn't already going to be fun enough (what with it being THE BIG ONE and all, and what the players all being dressed up in war paint), let's not forget that... as an added bonus... this is ALSO the challenge that features a shitty Adam Sandler movie as a reward. That's why this is one of those Survivor challenges that practically everyone remembers.

Episode seven of South Pacific, ladies and gentlemen. It's magic!

"The winner of this challenge will have a one member advantage in this game."
 
And that advantage is me

"In addition..."

"The winning tribe gets to watch an amazing movie."

Yes! An amazing movie! We love it!

"I'm sorry, did I say an amazing movie? I meant to say you will be watching a movie."

Yay! We like movies, regardless!

"Although technically, it's not really even a movie."




"It's really just a series of images that will be projected up on a screen."

"And to be honest, most of the images that are projected are actually kind of sad."

"I'm not sure we can legally even call it a movie, honestly."

"For legal reasons I think we have to call it a method of torture."

Sophie and Albert and their wifi foreheads are not impressed

"Watching this movie is like waterboarding. You're going to hate it."

This nonplussed me

"Anyway, you guys ready to compete for immunity?"




"And also the shittiest, most embarrassing movie ever, that will make you question the very idea of art?"

"Yay! Madea!"




"No, we don't have the diversity initiative yet. At this point it's still Adam Sandler."

"You guys ready to compete for fun, and also Adam Sandler?"

Inside, Sophie and Albert both die a little bit



And of course, you know how the challenge plays out.

Upolu jumps out to an early lead at the start, because God clearly loves them the best

But then Ozzy overrules this, and catches Savaii up




Because Ozzy in a challenge is basically the Survivor version of God



And then JUST when it looks like Ozzy might come back and steal a win for the Savaiis...




Cochran fucks up one of the rope clips, and he ruins it for everyone




"Oops, sorry guys. I Cochraned."



And just like that, Ozzy's big comeback is ruined.

Sorry Ozzy. Hope you're gonna have fun on Redemption.



And with that...




Albert and Sophie solve the big puzzle at the end




Just a little bit faster than Ozzy and Whitney


   
And that's why there will be no stirring, inspirational comeback for the good guys in South Pacific today...




Because the assholes of Upolu just won the big challenge




"Upolu now wins the right to take over this game!"




"Praise be to God!"



Which is fitting, you know.

Because in a season where Ozzy has eaten shit each and every time he has ever attempted to do something...




It's only fair that the biggest challenge of the season ends with him continuing to eat shit




"YES! YES! WE WON! GOD LOVES US THE MOST!"




"On your knees! ON YOUR KNEES! ON YOUR KNEES! Get down on your knees for the Savior!"




Damnit! Why do we always have to LOSE TO THEM?!




"I drink your milkshake, Ozzy! I drink it down every time I see you!"




"This is MY season! This is Upolu's season!"




"For I am Coach, and you are Colby. And I just frogmarched you!"



And honestly, if you were Ozzy... you'd probably be a little pissed at the end of this challenge too.

Because this is just par for the course in a season where he has basically been sabotaged at everything.




First, he slams down his fists on the puzzle




Then he throws his blindfold down on the ground, and he storms off




Then he runs over to the wall, and he has a bit of a kick

Then he curses Cochran and that fucking awful devil school of Harvard


Then he just openly gives the finger to everyone who's watching



Any way you look at it, Ozzy's reaction to losing THE BIG ONE is one of the greatest temper tantrums we have ever seen on Survivor.

It's majestic.




When your buddy gets the last Jack and Jill ticket



It's easily the biggest tantrum since the time Parvati lost Heroes vs Villains, and then her fans wouldn't shut up about it.




Parvati fans whenever a discussion about Sandra pops up



And, well, that's that. Upolu wins. The Death Cult now likely takes over this game.

And then... as usual... they celebrate in exactly the way that Savaii expects them to.




First, they give 100% of the thanks to God, and 0% of the thanks to Cochran and luck

Then, they reach in and everyone shares a traditional circle jerk

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! WE'RE SOOOOOO GOOD!
And... to be honest... let's just say that Ozzy's day (or month, really) isn't going to get any better from here.




"Coach, how big a win is this, for Upolu?"




"It's huge."


"Because what it really does is show that God hates Savaii. And He hates Ozzy the most."




"It shows that Ozzy is going to hell."




"It shows that Ozzy's a fornicator."

DAMNIT! WHY AM I FUCKING LOSING SURVIVOR TO COACH?!?




"Well the advantage now goes to Upolu."




"You'll have a one member advantage, and we're on the verge of a merge."




Hell yeah, we are




"Anyway, you guys can head off now. And go watch a shitty Adam Sandler movie."




"And as always, when it comes to watching any Adam Sandler movie..."




"If you shoot yourself in the head, please don't get any on the seats."




We won't. And God bless.



And with that, it's time for Ozzy's new destiny in South Pacific to finally arrive.




See you later, non-believers. Good luck.




Oh, fuck off




"Ozzy, you look mad. Why are you mad?"




"What's the feeling for you right now?"




"I mean, it's mad."




"Basically."




"Care to elaborate? We're paying you to be our narrator, you know."




"I feel like we almost had it."




"We were THERE!"




"And then someone didn't connect the right ropes."




"The right person, or whatever."




"*cough* Cochran."




"And it all just went downhill from there."




"Can you describe the frustra..."




"I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE THE FRUSTRATION!"




"When it's right there in your hands, and it gets pulled away."




"It's the worst feeling you can imagine."




"It's like when Parvati didn't win Heroes vs Villains. It hurts just as bad."




"Wow."




"And now we gotta go to Tribal Council."




"For our punishment."




"Basically."


"Wow, you are coming up with a lot of new catchphrases this season."




"Whatever. I'm done."



And with that scene being over, it's time to head back to Savaii.

It's time to see if Ozzy's plan to vote himself off to Redemption is actually going to happen.




"You know who doesn't need redemption? Adam Sandler. The guy has never made a single bad film."



Dude, Coach, what the fuck? Get out of here. This isn't even your chapter.

I said we were going back to Savaii.

"Yeah but I just really like Adam Sandler. Some say he is the modern American version of Lucretius."




"I just thought people should know that."



Get the fuck out.

Go stay in your own story.



"Wait, don't you want to hear my thoughts about Ozzy?"



ANYWAY.

So we're back to Savaii now.

It's time to see if Ozzy's plan (send a hero to Redemption, so they can get rid of Christine) is actually going to go into effect.




"So anyway guys, that's my big plan. I call it Plan Trojan Horse."




"And if we play our cards right, it will also be the title of this episode."




"And it would be fitting, too. Because you've already starred in so many things that contain the word Trojan."




"Ha ha. Real funny, nerd. Shut up."



So Ozzy sits there, and he explains his big plan.

He suggests the Savaiis vote out their fiercest warrior tonight. Someone who can go on over to Redemption Island, and knock Christine out of the game. And then after they get rid of Christine, said badass will return to the game, once they get to the merge, and this person will now be known as the hero of all heroes. They will go down in Survivor history as the Ozzy of all Ozzys.

Whoever gets the honor of being the Savaii Trojan Horse tonight...

... that person is going to go down in Survivor history as being an incredible badass.




"But who do we have who would fit the criteria of being an incredible badass?" wonder the Savaiis



And of course you know which well Ozzy is going to go right back to.

Here's a hint. He's already dipped his ladle in this well once before.




"You know, I was thinking Cochran."




"I think Cochran would make an incredible badass."



And this is where I, again, must remind you...




Cochran




"We need to send a warrior, guys. We need to send a man."




"We need to send someone who has traveled the world many times over, and who makes his living as a photographer."




"Someone whose skills in the bedroom are dwarfed only by his skills in the water."




"Someone who's posted his dick at least a hundred times on Twitter."




"In my mind, that can only be Cochran."



And what I love about this scene is that the Savaiis INSTANTLY agree with him.

Yeah you know what, fuck Cochran! Let's talk him into volunteering for this!

Let's get rid of the dork boy!




"Um, first off, I'm not sure that warrior would be the best way to describe me."




"Come on, man. You know you'd be good at this."




"You can DO it, John! You can be our big champion!"




"You just have to believe in yourself, White Urkel."




"Believe it, and make that shit happen."




"You can do it, nerd. Believe in your heart."



And guess what?

Despite ALL their assurances that he is really The Chosen One, Cochran seems a little reluctant to want to volunteer for such a dubious role.

For the second time in two days, he doesn't see the wisdom of voting himself out of the game.




"Um, how about I stay here instead? I think that would be my choice."




"I don't wanna shine right now. I'm willing to shine later."




"Or maybe not even shine at all."




"I just don't wanna go to Redemption Island."



And Ozzy... bless his heart... he makes one last ridiculous push for it...




"Look, Cochran. You're gonna go in there, and you're gonna tell Christine..."




"You're gonna make it SO palpable that Christine's gonna be like, "Crap that's it. I'm done.""




"Tell me. Tell me how you're gonna walk in and intimidate her."




"Show me how you're going to do that."




"Yeah I'm probably not gonna do that."




"Why not?"




"I don't know how well I can pull off the whole, like, "I'm indestructible.""




"So you better be shaking in your boots, you stupid bitch."




"I don't know if that's really my thing."

"Aw come on, maybe it's your new thing."



And at this point, the rest of the tribe finally realizes...

Yeah, perhaps Cochran isn't really the best choice to do this.




Okay, maybe this isn't the right plan



Unfortunately, Cochran is not going to fall for the old "Hey let's get Cochran to be stupid" plan.

And with that plan falling apart, that means the Savaiis are going to have to come up with a NEW plan.

With Cochran out of the picture as their Katniss, that means they are going to have to come up with a DIFFERENT tribute.




Oh my god. What to do. What to do.




I mean, hell, what would Upolu do?




Maybe I should just yell at everyone to get on their knees



And this is where Ozzy decides he's just finally gonna go for it.




"You know guys, it strikes me that there's only one person here who is guaranteed to beat Christine."




"There's only one person here who lives their life as a warrior, and who is the greatest challenge beast in Survivor history."




"We already have the badass of all badasses, and they are sitting right here."




"We already saw them on day one, in the first big hero challenge."







"I think we need to send Whitney."




The fuck we do. Piss off.




You threw-me-under-the-bus'd me!



Even though we KNOW the hero is going to be Ozzy eventually...

... it does take a little hemming and hawing for him to finally get there.




"You know what, Jim? You're good at statistics."




"The next duel might be an actuarial table of medical marijuana premiums."




"Not a chance, Ozzy. Fuck off."



Most fans tend to forget about this, but Ozzy doesn't actually agree to be the Savaii hero until the following morning.




"It's a risky move to send Cochran to Redemption."




"It's a riskier move to send ME to Redemption."




"Who knows, maybe I'll dream about it tonight. And maybe my dreams will give me the answer."



And sure enough...




Ozzy spends all night that night dreaming. Basically pulling a Shambo.




Trying to see if a voice will tell him what to do, so he doesn't have to take any actual responsibility



In other words...




Basically doing what Upolu does every day with religion



And in the end... sure enough... Ozzy's dreams eventually DO tell him what he is supposed to do.

It's not as entertaining as Shambo's dream, with the chicken, but it IS just as effective.




Ozzy's dream



And this is how Ozzy volunteers to be Savaii's big champion.

As he wakes up on the morning of day eighteen, it appears he has finally come to an epiphany elingua ekwaria.




Well it's me, I guess




I'm gonna be the guy who saves the game for Savaii




I will be our champion




Basically



And then here comes one of the biggest hero confessionals you are ever going to see on Survivor.

Complete with stirring heroic music, drama, passion, and words that only could have come out of the mouth of a dragonslayer. Which is hilarious when you realize that Coach is ALSO a part of this season, and Coach isn't the one who gets to deliver this.




"I will not smile evilly. I will smile nobly. For I am the chosen one."



In any case, sorry Coach, this isn't Coach time. This is South Pacific. This is Ozzy time.

It's time for Ozzy to become the martyr of all Survivor martyrs.



"Yesterday, before Cochran cost us the challenge, I told him that I'd be willing to sacrifice myself."




"That I'd go to Redemption Island."




"And beat Christine."




"Get back in this game, and give our tribe an edge."




"Basically, I'd be the warrior that Coach never could actually be."




You sick son of a bitch. Don't you even.




"Last night... I had some crazy dreams about actually doing what I said I was gonna do."




"So I'm going to do it."



And with that, the die is now cast.

Ozzy is going to voluntarily get himself voted out of the game.

And he is going to take down Christine.




"If it all works out, this could be one of the greatest moves in the history of Survivor."




"It could win us this game."




"Basically."



So Ozzy goes out in the jungle, and he digs up his hidden immunity idol.


Behold. My precious.




"I had to bring the idol out of my hiding spot."




"Just so everyone knows that I actually do have one."








"I mean, might as well make a grand entrance."



And then here comes the line.

The one that easily could have been the biggest quote of the season.




"Everyone thinks this is Cochran's opportunity, that he should go to Redemption and redeem himself."




"But I came to redeem myself too."




"So... it's my opportunity, really."




"Also, Cochran's a butt munch."



 And then Ozzy heads back to camp with his idol.

And just like he says he's going to do, he makes a grand entrance.




Hey guys, look at me. Look at my little necklace I found.




Wow, look at that. You really DO have one.




Yep. And it's real, 'cause it's got a face on it.
As expected, the Savaiis ooh and ahh over the fact that Ozzy's so awesome.




"What can I say man, we shouldn't have doubted you."




"Wow, look at that. Just like all the ones the producers gave Ben."




"This disarms me."



And then Ozzy pulls them all aside...

And he makes his big grand announcement.




"I'm kinda thinkin' I should go to Redemption."




"Really? Why?"




"Well I'll do it for Savaii."




"Basically."




"Wow. This is huge."




"I mean, unless you want to volunteer to go to Redemption again."




"No thanks. I think I'd rather stay here."

"Yeah I know. Puss."




When you know you're the only one on your tribe who can save you



And anyway, so that's that.

It looks like Ozzy is going to become the martyr of all martyrs at Tribal Council tonight.




"Ozzy's new plan is "Vote me out tonight.""




"Now THAT is a plan I can get behind!"



The plan isn't a gimme for everyone, of course. I mean, there's a fair bit of concern here among the Savaiis about if they REALLY want to vote out their biggest challenge beast this early in the game.

Even though Ozzy has volunteered to do it, and even though Ozzy's not really a part of their alliance, anyway...

... they're not sure it's wise.




"What if the merge doesn't happen right away? It's so risky."




"Then we're just stuck with Cochran."




"And I don't like Cochran. He sucks."



Meanwhile, Jim is a little more pragmatic about the dilemma they face.

As you'd expect.




"What if we're wrong about there being a merge after the next duel?"




"The biggest deal is we'd have to face another challenge, without Ozzy."








"Scary position to be in."



But at the end of the day, the Savaiis decide to take their champion up on his wishes.




Fuckin-A right, man. Because Ozzy's the HERO this season!



So the Savaiis head to Tribal Council on night eighteen.

And they unanimously vote out the Oz-Man.




Hey Jeff, change of plans tonight. We've got something to tell you.




Uh oh




You fuckers better not be voting out one of our big name players




"We've decided to vote out Ozzy."




"Why Ozzy?"




"Because Ozzy's not Cochran."




How dare you




"Sorry. I mean, because Ozzy's so awesome."




"He's the only one who can go to Redemption, and get us back in this game."




"So... let me get this straight..."




"Your plan is... whoever you vote out tonight will go to Redemption..."




"Try to win the next duel..."




"And then come back and rejoin us."




"Yeah."



Jeff, of course... because that's what he does... tries his best to talk them out of getting rid of one of their two big name players.




"I'm a little confused."




"Why you gotta vote out one of the returnees?"




"Can't you just vote out a girl?"




"I mean, we gave you four girls."




"Because I volunteered for it."




South Pacific, no!




"It's true, Jeff. I volunteered to be voted out tonight."

"You're putting YOUR life on the line."




"Yeah."




"You're saying YOU'RE gonna go to Redemption Island."




"Yeah."




"Over the Mormon chick and what's her face."




"Yeah."




"Are you sure?"




"What, are you fucking deaf? YEAH! I'm sure!"




"It's a shot in the dark, Jeff. But we're willing to take it."




"Final answer?"




"Yeah. Final answer."



 And with that, it looks like Survivor: South Pacific just spun into a much different direction.




"You can basically say I had a dream."




"I saw the merge."




"And I saw my chance at my OWN redemption."




OZZY DOLPHINBOY LUSTH! YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND RIGHT NOW!




WE NEED YOU AS A PLAYER IN THIS GAME, AND THAT'S THAT!




"Sorry, Jeff. This has just been haunting me since the last time I played."




"Last time I didn't play my idol. I didn't listen to my senses."




"Last time, not listening to my heart and my gut cost me."

"Well this time my heart and my gut are saying, "Get your ass to Redemption Island.""




"So I'm going."



By the way, if I could insert a quick little side note here...

I know the point of this entry is to make fun of all the goofiness in South Pacific. But if Ozzy had come back to win this game, after volunteering to be voted out, you realize this would be the single greatest story in Survivor history, right? I mean, if Ozzy had come back to win this game, after giving this speech, please realize that there would NEVER be a time in your life, over the next fifty years, when Probst wouldn't shut up about how Ozzy in South Pacific was the single greatest winner of them all. I just wanted to point that out to you. 

I don't think people realize how close we came to Island of the Idols just having two giant heads of Ozzy out there, instead of Sandra and Rob.




What Island of the Idols easily could have looked like. Basically.



And with that, let's get back to Ozzy's big winner speech.




"I need redemption, Jeff."




"I need to prove to my tribe that I'm worth keeping in this game."




"And this is my opportunity to not only make the ballsiest move I could think of..."




"But to play the biggest, craziest game that I can play."



And this is where he hits Jeff with the ultimate badass line.




"Not only do I have the opportunity to do something ballsy, but I also have the idol."




"Hold on. You have the hidden immunity idol?"




"Yeah."




"So if you get voted out, what do you do with the idol?"




"I give the idol up."




HE GIVES THE IDOL UP! OH MY GOD. IT'S A DOUBLE BIG MOVE!



And even though he's starting to win over the heart of Jeff Probst, with this double big move...

Now Ozzy decides to complicate things even further, and completely aim for the stars.

Because now it becomes a TRIPLE big move, when Ozzy decides to throw in some style points.




"And this is the part where it gets interesting, Jeff."




YES! YES! YES! YOU ARE MAKING ME HARD!

"I'm gonna make up a story."




"What kind of a story?"

"I'm gonna tell Christine that Cochran, the little smart weasel he is..."




"... who's been to Harvard Law, and who watches the game religiously..."




"I'm gonna tell her that HE found the idol. And he kept it from us."




YES! YES! YES! NOW IT'S A CAPER!




"We go to vote Cochran out. He whips out the idol."




"And just like that..."




"See you later, Ozzy."




YES! YES! YES!

THIS IS TOTALLY UNNECESSARY FOR THE PLAN! AND I AM HERE FOR IT!

"So now, not only is Cochran the villain..."




"But he's also the Savaii double agent."




Yep, that's me. I'm something of a confidence man.




HOLY SHIT. YOU'RE ABOUT TO MAKE A STAR OUT OF COCHRAN!




SOUTH PACIFIC IS NOW GOING TO HAVE THREE BIG MALE NAME PLAYERS!


THIS IS INCREDIBLE!




"Well don't forget. We have four, if you also count Brandon."




Brandon




YES! YES! FOUR BIG MALE NAME PLAYERS! IN ONE SEASON!




I LOVE THIS SEASON SO MUCH!




"Anyway, I think this gives us the best shot at taking Upolu by surprise."




"And possibly getting in front of this game."




"And making my storyline unnecessarily complicated."




"Basically."




Keith hears this, and he has yet another small little stroke



And at the end of the day, this is how Ozzy becomes the hero of all heroes.

When he volunteers to be voted out of the game...

... just to save the Savaiis.




I sure hope he knows what he's doing




I'm scared. This could be incredibly risky.




I hope this vote isn't a mistake




I sure wish this season discussed me



Although there is ONE last question Probst still has to ask, before Ozzy turns his storyline over to fate...




"But... what if we don't merge tomorrow?"




"Yeah. There is a possibility that we don't merge."




"And that these guys go to another challenge without me."



And again, this is why Ozzy is the hero of all heroes this season.




"But if that happens, at least I've gone out on my terms."




"And I haven't gone out on someone else's terms, like last time."




"At least THIS time, I went out seeking redemption."

HE DID IT! HE ACTUALLY WORKED THE THEME OF THE SEASON INTO HIS STORYLINE!




OZZY! I LOVE YOU!
And with that, let the formalities commence.




"This is definitely a risky move, we'll see how it plays out."




"And if you guys have the courage to actually go through with it."




Savaii will not die like dogs! We will fight like lions!



And then here comes the vote out.




"In twenty-two seasons of Survivor, I've never seen anything like this."




"And I'm thrilled to be part of it."



One by one, they all go up to the voting booth, and they vote out their champion.




"We've been sabotaging you all game, but now we love you!"



And then right before he is voted out of the game, Ozzy breaks the tension for everyone when he decides to do a little funny.




"Okay Ozzy. If you're planning to give the idol to someone, now's your chance."




"Nah. I think I changed my mind."




"I think I'm gonna let Cochran go to Redemption instead."




But my sweater vest!




"Just kidding."




"Ha ha."



I mean, say what you want about Ozzy as a character, but I've always personally loved this exchange. This is one of those little Survivor moments that will always make me laugh.




"You should have seen the look on your face, you big goob."




Ozzy, you fucking asshole...

"But yeah, I'm gonna give my idol to Cochran."




"I know it looks like a dildo but remember, it's real. It's got a face on it."




"You can hold onto it for now, but I'll be wanting it back."



Which is a wise thing to do.

Because... you know... if there's one man you can trust in this game, it will always be Cochran.




"You're totally gonna give me that back... right, buddy?"




"Anyway, let's do this."



And that's how Ozzy becomes the seventh player voted out of the game.




"Well you just got your wish. Best of luck."




"Alright."




"I'll be back. And I'll be back WITH REDEMPTION!"




You really sure about this?




Yep, I'm sure




Okay. *smuff*
And like I said, this is where Ozzy's storyline is about to veer off into a fun new direction.




"Peace out!" says Ozzy, as he runs off into the night. "Learn to skateboard!"




"Hang on!" says Jeff




"You have to listen to me say 'You will have a chance to get back in this game.' first."



So Ozzy comes bouncing back into position, just so Probst can give his prepared little speech.




Fine, man. Let's do this.




"You will have a chance to get back in this game," says Jeff




"Looking forward to it."



And with that, the God of Survivor Challenges is gone.




"See ya later, guys."




"For Savaii!"




You know, we're really going to miss him

There goes a great man




"You know, in a way, Ozzy reminds me of Jack and Jill. Which as we all know is a tale of redemption."



Oh shut up, Coach.

 Anyway... with that...

We finish one of my favorite episodes in Survivor history with a couple of big speeches.




"You guys just made one of the biggest moves in the history of this game."




Yes we did




"Based on one. Big. Assumption."




"That the merge is next."




"You'll find out soon enough if you were right."



Quick little author's note I have to throw in here:  This wasn't really THAT big an assumption. I mean, the players had all watched Redemption Island play out before they went out to film South Pacific. So they all had a pretty good idea of when the merge would be happening, and what a Redemption Island merge was going to look like. They weren't just pulling dates and timelines and strategies out of their ass here, they kind of knew what was coming.




"Which reminds me. In Jack and Jill, Adam Sandler literally does pull something out of his ass. It's incredible."



Jesus Coach, can you just stay the fuck back in your own story?

Remember, this is OZZY'S storyline, not yours.

Only Ozzy gets the last word in his mega big hero episode.




"Well, this is either the stupidest thing I could have done..."




"... or it's one of the most iconic moves in Survivor history."




"We shall see."








And with that, we will continue Ozzy's hero journey in episode eight. Which I like to call, simply, The Hero's Journey.

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