1. Coach Finally Masters Survivor

The Funny 115 - The Third One

#1. Coach Finally Masters Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long

The Christine vote was an important one for Coach and the Upolus. Because with that, the tribe has now officially revealed their power structure. And that's an important moment in ANY season of Survivor, because once you know the power structure, you can pretty much predict how the rest of the pre-merge is going to play out.

In Upolu's case, the power structure was simple. It was seven against two.

This power structure is GREAT for Coach, by the way. Because if it's seven against two... and he's one of the seven... then it's clear that he's not going to be going anywhere anytime soon. Christine is going to go home first, and then Stacey is going to go home next. And then after that it's going to be whoever is the least popular/powerful member of the seven.

And Coach isn't one of the least popular members of the seven.
He's part of the alliance of five.

In any case, what I am trying to say is that... at this moment... Coach is probably in the most secure position he has EVER been in in the game of Survivor. There's almost no chance he is going home. Stacey, Edna, and Mikayla are all clearly going to be targeted before him. And even if the Attack Dogs (Sophie and Albert) decide to mix things up, and come after him, they're gonna have a very hard time because he is surrounded by the protection of Edna and Brandon.

Because of this, there is almost NO scenario right now where Coach would ever go home prior to the merge.

The only thing that could possibly harm him right now is some crazy, unexpected twist.

Coach has put himself in a very powerful position in this game, and he knows it

Side note: By the way, a key variable in most discussions of the Upolu power structure is Mikayla. Because if you pay attention to the episodes, it never really is "The Upolu Five against everyone else." At least, not at the beginning, it isn't. In fact, Coach flat out tells us right here that he considers Mikayla an important part of his alliance going into that first vote...

"I hope and pray that the six people that I have aligned myself with, have the character that I judge them for."

Do the math in your head (1+6=7) and you'll realize he is including Mikayla. She is definitely part of his alliance at some point. I don't really know at what part she suddenly ISN'T a part of his alliance anymore, but you do have to mention that at some point, she's there. And it's entirely possible she could have been protecting him with a buffer vote the same way that Brandon and Edna were protecting him. Coach and Mikayla always seemed to be close in the episodes.

Anyway, I just wanted to throw that fact out there, in case you were wondering where Mikayla fell in all of this.

She's a part of the seven. For now, that's all that is important.

It all comes back to the fact that Upolu was always basically seven against two

And of course this begs the big question: Why am I bringing up all this stuff about power structures?

Well, the reason I bring it up, is because it means I can basically skip all the way up to the merge in the rest of this Coach section. Because when you look at it this way, Coach is almost in NO danger of ever going home prior to the merge. He has as smooth a stretch of sailing as he has ever really had in the game of Survivor. It's going to be smoother than a ride in a kayak.

As long as he doesn't fuck up and do something dumb, he is GOING to be there at the merge. The structure of the tribe pretty much ensures it.

He had one enemy in the game, and she's already gone

He has a second enemy in the game. But she's going home soon, with a hug.

And his only other enemy is currently being gangbanged* by the other tribe

* To me, the most interesting aspect of this season is how Ozzy's story is a perfect one-eighty Bizarro-world inversion of Coach's story. Because if you take a step back and you look at the episodes, you'll see that Coach is instantly hated by his tribe. But within one episode, he is flush with power. And he never faces a hint of danger at any point in the game. He is almost ALWAYS in control. Meanwhile, Ozzy's storyline is the exact opposite of that. He is revered by his tribe on day one. But within one episode, his tribe has completely checkmated him and cockblocked him. And destroyed any chance he will ever have any power in this game. And he never really DOES have any power, either, at any point, in any one of the episodes. He is pretty much the inverse of Coach.

We'll talk about this more in the Ozzy section, of course. I just thought it would be fun to point out the dichotomy ahead of time. Their stories are basically the complete opposite of each other. Which makes the ending so perfect.

Coach: Was I the best player this season?
Ozzy: No, my friend. You were.
Coach: But you overcame so much.
Ozzy: So did you.
Coach: We were amazing.

Anyway... with that, let's skim through the rest of the pre-merge.

So Christine has been voted out of Upolu

~~Dragon Slayed~~ Problem Licked

And from here on out, Coach has a lot of smooth sailing. He can pretty much coast all the way up to the merge.

You know who's never getting voted out? Probably me.

Oh sure, there might be some speed bumps he's going to face along the way.

He might have to pull out his world-famous diplomacy a couple of times.

And maybe break up a couple of fights.

Look Mikayla, I know you didn't kill Jesus Christ personally. Brandon has no empirical evidence of that.

And you, Brandon. Mikayla is NOT going to grind you in your sleep.

Mikayla is a hundred and fifty to two hundred percent not attracted to you. Just stop.

And sure, maybe they are going to refer to him by his dreaded birth name at one point.

I believe that gentleman's birth name is Benjamin

I do not feel that's real

But he IS going to have some fun adventures along the way.

Like the time he gets to witness the very first duel

"It says here we have to send two people to watch the first duel."

"Two people, Coach. That means you can't just nominate yourself."

Which, of course, leads to the most awkward first date since Brandon and Frank back in Africa.

Well, isn't this magical?

You know... when Chuckie eats pizza, he eats it like this

I fuckin' hate him

He also, as I pointed out in the previous chapters, will almost always acknowledge Ozzy as the other big returning Survivor star.

One immunity to one immunity so far, my friend. We're tied.

We fight with honor, good sir. May the best legend win.

Yes. But which one will it be?

He also gets to laugh at Christine constantly berating him at every single goddamn duel.

Coach is the biggest tool in the history of tool-dom

If I get back in the game, I am going to murder him

He even gets to enjoy a little spoken-word poetry.

There isn't anything those children wouldn't do for that man
They would listen to a ton of his Halloween jokes
Or maybe even Chuckie the Cheese jokes
He would give them ten more because he is just that insane
They would need lots of drugs to help them heal the pain
I can't WAIT to meet him
That slayer, so loyalty
Go boop

Anyway, Christine wins.

Yay!

Well, shit

And he's gonna have to get used to it.

Cause she's going to be winning a lot.

I'm comin' back for you, Dragon Warrior

I'm not scared of you, Woman in the Front. Come at me.

Then Christine says her goodbyes to everyone.

Bye Stacey

Bye Christine

And fuck you, Coach

And anyway, that's the only real obstacle Coach is going to face for the next four episodes.

He really only has to worry about Christine coming back and fucking everything up.

That's it.

Oh well. Could be worse.

So we go back to camp after the first duel. And of course nothing interesting ever happens back here at Upolu.

I mean, come on. This whole tribe is just a bunch of sane, logical, rational strategists. Who do everything by the book, and are always completely predictab...

"God just texted me, and told me to fuck everything up."

Oh Jesus Christ, Brandon.

Hey guys, I just wanted to point out to you that I'm a Hantz

An even littler one

Hang on. God said my arms would get caught in the holes.

Even though this doesn't affect Coach's game all that much, let's just say it's ANOTHER little fire he's gonna have to put out.

Blam

So anyway, Brandon's big secret is now out in the open. Even though he promised Coach two days ago that he would never tell anyone.

I'm sorry, Coach. I want to be honorable. And I lied.

That's okay, Brandon. We all lie eventually.

What would Chuckie say about this?

Son, he would probably make a pun about pizza

And again, this is just one of a dozen times Coach is gonna have to cover for Brandon.

"Brandon says he doesn't wanna tell a lie, but then he just keeps doing it!"

So Coach goes and explains that what Brandon is doing is wrong...

Again...

You might want to stop doing that, little aviator

And I'd argue that this is probably where he starts moving away from his alliance being "The Coach and Brandon Show." And he starts thinking of his alliance as more of "The Coach and Sophie Show." Or maybe even "The Coach, Albert, and Sophie Show", as we will see later in the season.

Because Brandon is becoming an incredibly risky horse to pick to ride to the finish.

He is just way too much of a wild card.

"Brandon is still a valuable member of my alliance."

"I still trust him, absolutely."

"But it's just maybe not in with both feet now."

Brandon is going to fuck everything up every couple of days.

You can already see that.

You guys, Mikayla aggressed me. She aggressed me.

I'm not gonna point fingers at anyone, but that girl is the devil

Oh boy. This shit again.

And like I said, this is why you start seeing Coach go to his new lieutenant second in command instead.

He starts going to Sophie

Anyway, I just wanted to point out that by this point, I think the switch has officially happened. Sophie is now officially his number one ally.

Because Coach isn't dumb.

He knows that all rational thought on this tribe will probably go right through Sophie

"It's like Chuckie said after he ate a frozen pizza."

"I told Brandon... that wasn't very thawed out."

Okay, enough camp drama. Let's get back to the real meat of this entry, the challenges.

Because like I said before, whenever Upolu wins one... Savaii will ALWAYS win the next one. And vice versa.

This eventually becomes the ultimate back and forth battle.

We're at immunity challenge number three now.
Which means, according to the schedule, Upolu wins

One of the themes you will catch in this season is that Savaii is much stronger than Upolu on paper. But Upolu is smarter, and they work much better as a team. And in a lot of cases, they just flat-out outthink the Savaiis.

This challenge is a perfect example of that.

Because this is the one where Savaii can't figure out how to get rope out to Ozzy

And he curses at them

Seriously, are you fuckers kidding me?

Meanwhile, Upolu has both a plan, and they have the active participation of God.

Thank you for making me extra floaty, big guy

And most of all... they have Coach, Edna, and Sophie on a puzzle.

It's grappling hook time, baby!

"Wow, Coach is amazing up there!"

IT'S BECAUSE I'M THROWING IT UNDERHAND!

"Coach has been phenomenal with the grappling hook!"

Why can't my team be phenomenal with the grappling hook???

And of course, helping Coach and Edna out at the bottom of the puzzle...

... is Sophie

THAT ONE GOES TO THE LEFT!

In fact, at one point, Coach just flat out tells Edna...

"Just listen to Sophie!"

And anyway, that's why Upolu wins challenge number three.

It's because they listen to Sophie

Yay!

You better believe it, baby!

Ozzy! Slayer!

FUCK!!!!!

So that's episode three.

Episode four is going to be just the opposite, of course.

Savaii is going to win immunity the next time.

But not before God is going to tell Brandon to do something incredibly stupid again

I mean, you know this picture is coming in nearly every single episode.

Brandon

Brandon's big contribution to episode four is...

Deciding he has to be brutally honest with everyone now, and start apologizing to people

Which is highlighted by...

Apologizing to Mikayla in a way that would make even Dan Foley cringe

I apologize for your lifestyle. I'm sorry you're going to hell.

And informing Edna that nobody likes her. And she will never fit in in a million years, not ever.

"There's a core five. And you aint in it. We're all lying to you."

"I'm sorry. I hope you accept my apology."

And also, I cut the brakes. Yee-haw.

There isn't much that's relevant to Coach's storyline in episode four.

Well... I guess... other than THIS missed opportunity.

Where we somehow missed out on the greatest Survivor callback joke of all time.

Oh look, we're throwing things underhand at targets again

If only Coach would have been there to somehow comment on it

Anyway, let's go back to camp, and let's watch Upolu lose immunity again.

I mean, it's only fair. It's episode four. It's their turn.

This is the infamous "balancing weight on a pole" challenge

And, you know, you'd think Coach (a hero) would want to be a part of this challenge, because it is the ultimate hero challenge. You'd think he'd want to be the guy who saves the day, and who carries all the weight for his tribe.

I mean, is that what warriors do? They rise to the challenge?

But again... his back.

goo.

In any case, Coach doesn't carry the weight for his tribe.

He just stands back, and he backs up Edna and Sophie

He's smart enough that he doesn't want to be seen as the leader

"Um, can you put the weight directly on Jim's nuts?"

P.S. Here's Coach telling Albert what to do, with his eyes

This winds up being one of the closest challenges of the season.

Mmmmmpf

Errrrrrrrrrrgh

AHHHHHHHHHHH

~~"Let's go, Brandon!"~~ "Brandon, good job!"

Aww man, Mikayla made it fall!

But eventually... as is necessitated by the plot... Savaii wins.

Thanks to Dawn

Back up, guys. I think she might cry.

And with that, Upolu is now headed to Tribal Council for the second time in the game.

The win, lose, win, lose sequence strikes again.

God may love Upolu, but he really loves patterns

Oh yeah, and even worse, just like on Twitter...

They have to watch Ozzy displaying his cock

The second Upolu Tribal isn't going to be especially suspenseful.

I mean, we all know that Stacey is going to be voted out next.

It's still seven against two. And there's only one of the two left.

But that doesn't mean we don't get a couple of fun character moments leading up to the vote.

"Wow Stacey, you were just awesome today."

Fuuuuuuuck youuuuuuu

Also...

Edna, Did you get that last Chuckie the Cheese joke?

No I didn't.

Medical school did not prepare us for this, Sophie

This fourth episode is capped off by one of the funniest scenes of the season, of course.

Where Coach goes to have a heart to heart with Stacey right before she is voted out

Tell me your dreams, angry one

I can't possibly skip over this moment because it is one of my favorites. So here goes.

Stacey is probably going to go home tonight, so Coach goes to talk to her right before the big vote

I'm not entirely sure if his goal here is to cheer her up(?). Or to give her a pep talk? Or just cover his butt in case she comes back in the game later? I don't know. I just know that Coach probably shouldn't be doing this. But the comedian in me is glad that he did.

Hey Stacey, how's it going? Embalm anyone interesting today? Just kidding.

Did you know that if Chuckie were a dog, he'd be Chuckie With Fleas?

Do you know which monster plays tricks on Halloween?

Prank-enstein

Jeez, tough crowd

Anyway, once the small talk is out of the way, they can get down to business.

Coach lets her know that the vote tonight will be for either her or Edna

Stacey responds that it really should be Edna, and not her

Because the tribe is all kahoots, and because Coach has got them goin' off of loyalty

Coach asks what the fuck she is talking about

Stacey asserts that every day he got a story, and he better not be giving her a hug

Coach says he really likes hugs

Stacey boops him

Coach points out he is not a snoot, and she needs to stop booping him

Stacey says she's not buying it

Coach asks if she's heard the one about Chuckie the Cheese and The Great Pumpkin

Stacey points out she's got a crematorium at home.
And if she ever sees Chuckie the Cheese, he's fucking going right in it.

Anyway, it's safe to say there's not much common ground they are going to find here.

But he does at least fist bump her

Coach tells her he'll see what he can do to swing the vote towards Edna tonight...

And Stacey, surprisingly, doesn't believe him

This is actually an important moment in Survivor history, by the way, in case you are scoring along at home. This is actually the first time anyone has not believed one of Coach's stories in an episode of Survivor. I'll be excited when we finally get to talk about it on my podcast, The Survivor Historians.

This Coach fellow, I really think he isn't telling the truth

The vote tonight is going to be a slam dunk for Stacey, of course.

But we can't forget that there is always a wild card around, who is going to help keep things interesting.

"You know Brandon, they're coming for you tonight."

"They goin' off loyalty. Keep your eyes open."

"Oh, and also... blam."

And anyway, here comes yet another round of....

Yeeeeeeeee hawwwwwwww

And here comes yet ANOTHER fire Coach is going to have to put out.

"Coach, we got a problem on our hands."

Coach responds the only way he knows how.

I already told you, Brandon. There's no such person as the Hamburglar.

He's not going to steal all your hamburgers!

Coach is quite used to Brandon being a spaz at this point in the game.

And this time, he cuts this shit right off at the knees.

If you tell me Mikayla is after your semen again, I am going to samurai kick you.

Brandon pleads his case, but you can tell that Coach is pretty much over this.

"STOP IT."

"I just want you to STOP IT."

"Look at me."

"Dude, look at me."

Oh shit. Is he talking to Brandon about the Hamburglar again?

"This game... is gonna get sooooo much crazier than this."

"If you believe somebody... that is on death row..."

"... like Stacey knows she is..."

"Then you might as well throw in the towel right now!"

"I'm telling you, Brandon."

"Someone tells you something outside of our alliance, and you're biting at it every time."

"You need to let it cool down before you bite into it. Like pizza."

In any case, Brandon gets a pretty good Dragon Scolding here.

And don't do your Jesus-Chi out in public. Do it in private.

Don't put tattoos of feathers on your face. People mock you.

At the end of the day, though, Coach is still in a five-man alliance with Brandon.

And he will ALWAYS be in a five-man alliance with Brandon.

Because despite the fact that this kid is impulsive as hell... and thus dangerous as hell... he knows that Brandon is always going to be loyal to him.

And that is the key to understanding how Coach plays.

Loyalty tops everything.

"Look at me just for a second, Brandon. We got this."

"I lost two times because I had my head in the sand."

"I don't have my head in the sand this time. I know what I'm doing."

"Just trust me."

I do believe in you, Coach. I trust you.

And there really isn't a Hamburglar. They just made that guy up.

And then here's the quote that you could argue is really the key to the season.

"I think that Brandon is a great guy."

"And I wanna be with Brandon every step of the way."

"But I'm worried that he's going to kick over the kettle at the most inopportune time."

"And ruin the game for everybody."

And honestly, to me that's the most important storyline in Survivor: South Pacific.

How is Brandon going to ruin the game for everyone? And in what way? And most importantly... when?

Because you know that he's going to.