1. Coach Finally Masters Survivor

The Funny 115 - The Third One

#1. Coach Finally Masters Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long

At this point in the game, the Upolus are down to seven members.

Obama has already taken twenty-two percent of the tribe.

And this is the point in the season that is going to be really important for Coach.

Why?

Well because this is the point in the game where he has officially started to make enemies.

I am going to come back and curbstomp that guy

Why does that tall fucker always rub it in our faces and hold a big prayer circle after he wins?

And as F.U. Brad Culpepper himself would be the first one to tell you...

In a season with Redemption Island in play, that can come back to haunt you

And with that, let's delve into the most dangerous part of the season for Coach.

So Christine and Stacey meet up on Redemption, and they finally begin to compare notes

And they quickly piece together...

"It's Benjamin. Benjamin's runnin' the show."

"Aha," says Christine. "I knew it!"

Everything's so not hunka dory.

This verbalization (kind of) that Coach is the leader is significant. Because from here on out... whether it is actually accurate or not... the perception is ALWAYS going to be that Coach is the guy on Upolu. EVERYONE outside of his alliance is going to believe that he is the mastermind.

Keep that in mind for now, because it's important.

"Coach acts like he's just all holier than thou."

"He is nothin' but a joke."

"When they find out the really truth about him..."

"What I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna start up a bee's nest"

"Let the red tribe know that Coach is in control over there."

"I'm gonna spill everything that I know's going on over there."

And yep, if that sounds familiar to you, then it should. Welcome to a perfect example of two Funny 115 entries seamlessly blending into one another.

Because if you've never put these two storylines side-by-side together before...

You'll realize that Coach was the very first version of "Fuck You Brad Culpepper"

Unfortunately for both Coach and for Brad (and to a much lesser extent, Boston Rob a season before), you can't just vote people out in a season with Redemption Island. Nope. It's never going to be that easy.

In a season with Redemption Island, the people who are voted out will ALWAYS get a chance to get back at you afterwards.

Especially if you're the one they perceive as the decision maker.

FUCK YOU SAD BOAT TREKKER!

And anyway... uh... time for Coach Culpepper to start facing the music.

Let's see if The Maestro can conduct his way out of this one

So here we go at the start of episode five.

It's time for the big duel between Stacey and Christine

Coach knows that today's duel has the potential to get ugly, of course.

He knows that he's about to run into the exact same problem that Brad is going to face four seasons down the road.

The other tribe is going to get a lot of intel about our tribe today

We've got two pissed off women on Redemption Island. That's the big danger.

In perhaps the wisest decision he is going to make all season, Coach decides that he doesn't need to be there in person.

Instead he sends his assistant coach Mikayla, and a baseball

And here comes the scene that pretty much everyone (but Coach) loves.

It's time for the big Stacey shalingua

So Stacey, what it's like to see your former tribemembers today?

Is it hunka dory?

No sir, it is not hunka dory

Could I interest you in smashing an hourglass with a hammer? And maybe turning back time?

No sir, this is only season twenty-three. The show isn't that dumb yet.

And here comes her big speech.

"Those are liars. Red team, look out for those, right there."

Those

Got it. So we should look out for Mikayla and Albert.

"It wasn't a team."

"It is Benjamin, Albert, and Sophie."

Wait, we thought it was Albert and Mikayla?

"But who's it endin' to? Benjamin. And Albert."

And also Mikayla?

No.

Wait. What?

"But Benjamin is runnin' the show."

Huh? Who's Benjamin?

"Benjamin? You mean Coach."

"No. I mean Benjamin."

But what about "those"? What's endin' to Mikayla?

"Benjamin is runnin' the team."

"Benjamin makes the decisions."

"He makes ALL the decisions."

Does Mikayla make any decisions?

No. I'm only talking about those.

I'm very confused by all this

I'm not going to quote Stacey's whole speech here. Mainly because I've already dedicated an entire entry to her famous Chuckie the Cheese rant. But here are the highlights you need to take out of this.

When I said "Coach", you said "No. Benjamin."

There's a difference?

"Adults call him Benjamin."

"Whether he likes it or not."

"So I'm not calling him Coach."

"So your way of fighting back is... I will not honor the Coach name."

Nah. That name is lies straight from hell.

And you know what? Fuck it, I can't resist. Here's her entire speech for you... at least in Reddit form.

And with that... the mortician has spoken.

Got it, red team?

I didn't actually get ANY of that

And what the fuck is a Chuckie the Cheese joke?

Oh just wait. You'll see.

And anyway, yada yada yada, Christine just keeps on winning these duels.

I'm still comin' for you, Dragon Warrior

And Probst is delighted by all this.

Because like I said earlier, he now has his very first version of "Fuck You Brad Culpepper."

That lady is nuts. But I love her.

After then of course after the duel here comes the big fallout.

When Coach realizes ~~that Stacey has given away the entire power structure of Upolu, and now the Savaiis know everything~~ that Stacey and Christine called him by his birth name, and even his own parents aren't allowed to do that.

And there's not a Chuckie joke in the world that could fix that

By the way, Albert tells us what Coach's reaction is going to be before we actually see it.

"I thought we were gonna be able to keep all that under the radar."

"I know Coach is gonna be pissed."

And yes.

Coach is... indeed... quite pissed.

Because here comes Day 12 - Benjamin Day

Albert and Mikayla come back to camp with the bad news

Coach Culpepper is understandably nervous.

"How was it, guys?"

"It was bad, dude."

Bad, how?

"Stacey, she said we were all liars."

"She said that you, Sophie, and myself were controlling stuff."

She said that I was a baseball who is dating you

And that I probably can't hit a curveball

She gave out your social security number and your PIN code

She made fun of your Chuckie the Cheese jokes

"That's disgusting."

"Stacey just went on a rampage about it."

And here comes the name that ~~Rumpelstiltskin~~ Coach never thought he would hear.

She was like, "Benjamin is running the tribe."

"BENJAMIN", says Mikayla. "She called you BENJAMIN."

Grrrrr

"Who's Benjamin?" asks this little guy

"He is", Mikayla explains, very seductively. "Coach is Benjamin."

"They told Jeff they won't even dignify you by calling you Coach."

By the way, here's a fun little part of this scene I don't think everyone remembers.

Albert cracks up when he is saying this next part, because he thinks it's so funny

"Stacey said his mom named him Benjamin, so I'll call him Benjamin."

Special trivia note: Albert actually wrote in after reading this entry, and he wanted to clarify why he was laughing during this scene:
The reason I was laughing here is because it reminded me of the movie Coming to America. In one of the barbershop scenes they’re arguing boxing. One of them says about Muhammad Ali: “His mama call him Clay, Imma call him Clay." I was laughing because what Stacey said reminded me of that movie quote.

Coach, of course, isn't quite as amused by this whole thing as everyone else is.

"If anybody calls me Benjamin to my face, I'm gonna go nuts."

"My parents call me Coach."

Holy shit, your parents call you "Coach"?

I mean, sometimes they do. When I'm coaching.

*still trying not to laugh at all this*

"I've been called Coach since I was eighteen."

They just suddenly started calling you Coach when you were in high school?

I don't know why. They just did.

Wait, you're only eighteen? asks Brandon.

In any case, Coach sits down, and he goes on a rant of his own about this.

"Stacey just went on a rant."

"She said Coach is running the show."

"So now at the merge I'm probably gonna be hit number one."

"It just ruins my day."

"It sucks."

Coach's whole day, understandably, has been ruined.

This is even worse than the day he lost that chess match to Guillermo Vilas

His tribesmates try to cheer him up, of course.

But Coach isn't having it.

Hey Coach, what would Chuckie say about all this?

Shut up, Brandon.

Now obviously, the biggest takeaway from this scene is that Coach doesn't like being called by his birth name. And that Coach's parents have referred to him as "Coach" ever since he was back in high school. But there's actually a much bigger takeaway I want you to focus on instead, at least in terms of the storyline. Because this one is actually super important. It explains a lot about why his story plays out the way that it does.

Albert, what is the storyline here that is actually super important?

"Everything Stacey said today was accurate. She was telling the truth."

"Sophie, Coach and I really are running this tribe."

Yep, remember how I said that Upolu originally started out as the trio of "Sophie, Albert, and Rick" meeting up with the trio of "Coach, Brandon, and Edna"?

The original power structure

Well at some point in the past four episodes, that power dynamic has changed.

I can't tell you exactly when it changed. And to be honest, I don't really even care all that much when, why, or how it changed, either. None of that is especially important to this writeup.

All that matters is that HERE, in episode five, this is now officially the power core of Upolu.

Albert, Sophie, and Coach

Albert confirms the three of them are working together in his confessional. Stacey also confirms it in her Chuckie the Cheese speech. We never actually hear Sophie confirm it, but I'd be willing to bet money she would have confirmed it as well. Albert, Sophie, and Coach are clearly the three strongest players on Upolu. And at some point in the past twelve days, they have inevitably teamed up.

And with that, we now have... I will talk more about this later...

Arguably the smartest final three in the history of Survivor

To confirm that "Coach, Sophie, and Albert" is now actually a thing, we get the following scene in the middle of episode five. Where the three of them (and ONLY the three of them) work together to find the hidden immunity idol.

Albert is out there looking for the idol one day

And he stumbles onto the clue that Stacey somehow missed earlier.

Dear recipient, Savaii looks strong. Find this idol, and I'll catch up with you at the merge. BFFs!
-xoxo, JT

Albert looks for the idol himself, but he doesn't seem to have any luck in finding it.

I mean, I put on the scuba mask. Why isn't that helping?

So Albert decides to bring Coach and Sophie into the fold, and tell them about the clue he just found.

"A, because I want to garnish their trust, and let them know they can trust me."

"And B, because frankly... I can't find this by myself."

And again, here we get one hundred percent dead-on-balls-accurate confirmation that "Albert, Sophie, and Coach" is now officially a thing.

Albert tells Coach and Sophie all about the big idol clue

Sophie (left), fittingly off camera

"I'm only gonna tell you two because I trust you two the most."

And sure enough...

Coach and Albert eventually find the idol together

"Ask and you shall receive."

Which means that the three of them now have an exceptional amount of power in this game.

"We got this game by the balls, guys. Let's see Brendan do that."

And with that, they all hug

And this is where Coach's frown from earlier in the day turns upside down into a smile.

"This is the most exciting moment in sixty-seven days."

"Coach Wade has found the hidden immunity idol."

Muhahaha

"And look what we have here."

"A golden little gem for Coach Wade to hold on to."

"I mean seriously, are the stars aligning for Coach, or what?"

Capped off by a confessional that, of course, only The Dragonslayer himself could have given.

"This morning I thought to myself... could this day get any worse?"

"But now, Coach is a happy man. Things couldn't be going better."

"Now, I gotta get a hold of myself."

"And just say Dragon, just get back in there."

"You can't go too crazy."

"I'm not runnin' the show."

"But at the moment...?"

"Pretty close!"

Although I'd be remiss if I didn't point out this second confessional he also gives about finding the hidden immunity idol.

This one will become incredibly important to the storyline later, so don't forget it.

"Albert didn't want to tell the whole alliance, so only the three of us know about the clue."

"Albert, Sophie, and I."

"It'll be our little secret."

And anyway...

With that, we head into the episode five immunity challenge.

This is the infamous "eat huge chunks of pork and ingest everyone else's saliva" challenge

The team with the most undercooked meat and gristle spit wins immunity

You probably don't want to see too many screencaps of this one, 'cause it's gross. So I'll try to redact everything like we're looking at Skupin's computer.

Once again, the heroic Upolus square off against the villainous Savaiis

It's seven to seven at this point. So it is still anyone's game.

-Good luck to you, fellow legend.
-And to you.

And with that, let the carnage begin.

Redacted

Redacted

Redacted

Redacted

Oh, I do have to share this quote, by the way. From a reader of mine:

"The pig eating challenge is a perfect example of Upolu just having better coordination and tactics than the Savaiis. During the first dash to the pig, the six Upolus split into two squads of three, and the two squads immediately ran to opposite sides of the meat (as opposed to everyone just running to the near side.) This way, everyone had room to take a bite at the same time without getting in each other's way. Savaii won the more individualistic challenges where one person could take a hero role and muscle it out for the team (as well as the challenge where Upolu just choked on the puzzle) but Savaii wasn't able to work together very well. Whenever teamwork was required, Upolu came out on top. The Upolus worked together like a well-oiled machine, while the Savaiis tended to trip over each other and get in each other's way. And this carried over to the individual portion of the game as well - after the merge the Upolus stuck together as a cohesive unit and Savaii fractured. Just thought that was something interesting you might want to point out in your entry."

Upolu going to opposite sides of the meat instead of everyone all bunched up

At the end of the challenge, the two tribes gather before Jeff Probst.

To see who collected the heaviest basket of meat.

"Twenty-two pounds, twelve ounces for Savaii."

"This bitch is close."

Please Lord. Let us amass the most pork.

I can't look. I don't want to see those douchebags all start thanking God.

And sure enough...

Upolu's teamwork paid off.

"Twenty-two pounds, fourteen ounces. Upolu wins by one bite."

YES!!!!!

FUCK!!!!!!!!

And just like on cue... much to Savaii's dismay...

Coach immediately gives credit to the man in the sky.

Remember how I said he is starting to make enemies in this game?
That isn't helping.

In any case, Upolu wins immunity, and doesn't have to vote anyone out tonight.

Because God loves us the most, baby!

After the challenge, Upolu goes back to camp.

And they have themselves a giant pork fest.

Which is ironic, because generally that's something you'd associate more with Ozzy

And it is here, in the middle of the pork fest, where Coach is REALLY about make a potential future enemy.

Um... you know how I've been pointing out that this is the stretch of the season where Coach is starting to make people mad at him?

Well here comes someone who might be REALLY mad at him one day.

Coach doesn't realize it yet, but this will wind up being the biggest hurdle he will face in this game.

The implicit trust of young Brandon

Remember how I said "file away the fact that Coach has a little secret he isn't sharing with everyone"?

Albert, Sophie, and I have a secret

We have an idol, and they don't. Tee hee.

Well Coach is about to walk into the biggest mine field he will walk into all game.

He just doesn't realize it yet.

Because as Brandon is serving up all the food at the pork fest

Sorry guys. I overcooked the pork because I felt it was tempting me.

We get the following confessional...

"We're a family here."

"Upolu does everything together."

See, Brandon loves his new family. Who he trusts implicitly.

And he knows will always tell him the truth about everything

And if Brandon were ever to find out that Coach already has an idol in his pocket...

Which he does

And that Coach isn't actually mentioning it to everyone...

Which he isn't

Well... that might kinda start to be a problem.

Especially for the hardcore fundamentalist Christian crowd

In any case, just file that subplot away for later.

Because it's the one that is really going to either make or break new strategist Coach 3.0 in this game.

For now, let's end episode five with Coach being excited about pork

Tiny little pig piece. Get in mah belly.

I have to say, Coach really goes above and beyond in some of his confessionals in South Pacific. And that's saying something for a guy who is maybe the greatest confessional-giver in Survivor history. He always will be a wordsmith above everyone else.

This last confessional now that Upolu is up seven to six I would imagine was probably his favorite.

"You know the best thing about today's challenge?"

"Beep beep."

"We're back in the driver's seat, baby."

When you cut a confessional you absolutely know is gonna make it to air

Okay so that's episode five.

Let's move on to episode six now, because this is an important one.

At the start of episode six, Coach is riding very high in this game

And why wouldn't he be riding high?

At the moment, this is probably the most power he has ever had in the game of Survivor.

Upolu is up in numbers over Savaii, seven to six

He's part of the trio that is running this game

He is protected by people who are going to be exceptionally loyal to him at some point down the road.

Like Edna

And Brandon

He has an idol in his pocket.

He is eating lots of good food.

He has a baseball who is dating him.

No one is smiling evilly around him anymore.

Everything is great!

He really is back in the driver's seat, baby

But here comes the issue that he realizes now has the potential to derail him.

The one of Brandon and the hidden immunity idol

Which Brandon is now out searching for, constantly

In episode six, we see Coach starting to grasp the fact that he is facing a huge Christian ethical dilemma now.

To tell Brandon about the idol in his pocket or not? That is the question.

Here's the confessional where Coach explains that he's sort of damned if you do, damned if you don't.

It's going to be a thorny decision either way.

"This is something that I struggle with, because I like to be honest."

"I like to have all the cards on the table."

And here comes the part that is important...

"Unfortunately Brandon is a loose cannon, and he might tell anybody."

And again, this is where we come back to something I said in one of the earlier chapters.

Almost EVERY storyline in South Pacific is somehow going to go through Brandon in some way.

He will forever be the wild card

To his credit, Coach KNOWS that lying to Brandon about this is wrong.

He KNOWS that Brandon, at some point, is probably going to feel incredibly betrayed.

But in the words of a great philosopher...

I don't have to worry about it now, because that's down the road

For now, Coach will simply keep up the ruse.

Just because he doesn't want Brandon to be able to tell everyone about it yet.

And this is what leads to the infamous Upolu Fake Idol Hunt

This Fake Idol Hunt an incredibly important scene in South Pacific. And if this were a Brandon entry, I'd try my best to recap it for you, blow by blow. But because this is a Coach entry, not a Brandon entry, all you really need to see are the highlights.

So Brandon is out there every day, looking for the hidden immunity clue

And at the beginning of episode six, he finally finds it

Boop

Note that this isn't the same clue that Albert found a couple of days ago. This is a new clue, that Brandon has learned is hidden somewhere around camp. So he has been out there looking for it obsessively, and now he has finally found it.

And that means this is Brandon's big moment to be the ultimate hero around here

Why is so important that Brandon finds this idol for his tribe?

"Because it means almost the game when we get to the merge."

So Brandon finds the clue to the idol.

And as a good teammate would do, he immediately runs back to camp to tell all his allies.

Guys, I found something God wanted us to have

He put it up in a tree for us. He has placed it there somewhere.

And this is where Coach's plan runs into a bit of a problem.

"Unfortunately, he's a bloodhound like his uncle."

"This might make things a little bit sticky."

"I have the idol in my possession. Brandon doesn't know it."

The three of them gather around to decipher the clue.

Guys, the paper is all sticky. I wonder if Mikayla tried to pleasure herself with it?

And here is where Coach's big ethical dilemma comes in.

This is where he poses what is really the most important question of the season.

"I talk to Brandon all the time about trying to play this game as Christian men."

"And we are gonna do that."

"But is withholding information... lying?"

"It's a gray area."

It IS a gray area.

And really, the answer to that question is going to determine whether Coach wins or loses this season at the end.

It is going to become THAT important to the storyline at some point.

How do you define what a lie is? Is it a lie if I just never told anyone?

And honestly, this is one of the reasons why I'd argue South Pacific is so much more interesting than most Survivor seasons. It's because the storyline really comes down to ethics and morality at the end, not strategy. And to me, that makes the whole thing much more rewatchable and interesting.

At the end of the day, ethics and morality are far more individualized than strategy is.

Ethics and morality are much more personal... and debatable.

Is the omission of truth actually a lie?

I'm not sure Chuckie would even know the answer to that

In any case, Coach and Albert put on a big fake show of pretending to look for the idol with Brandon.

"Brandon, you're amazing. You're just like your uncle Russell."

"I'm having flashbacks right now, this is so incredible!"

And this is where Albert warns Coach (probably wisely) that what they're doing right now has the potentially to seriously fuck over everything.

"Dude, he's sooooo emotional."

"If he thinks we've been even one percent dishonest to him..."

"He'll fly off the handle."

"You know that."

Coach does know that. And Albert knows it too.

But again, the idea of telling Brandon info he doesn't need to know is kinda swaying their decision right now.

Because Brandon's a wild card

Oh, and then also... there's this.

One of the rare times where I think the fact that someone is a returning player actually makes their storyline more interesting.

Because remember, Coach has a lot of baggage he is trying to shed in this season.

"I wanna play this game completely honorably."

"But now, the way that I'm watching Brandon go and search for that idol..."

"He looks like Russell."

"I'm having flashbacks."

"And when I see something that reminds me of a horrible nightmare I went through on Heroes and Villains..."

"It scares me."

"It scares the heck out of me."

Put it all together, and you have a subplot that is endlessly fascinating. For a variety of reasons.

This is one of those storylines that I can guarantee you would never find in almost any other Survivor season.

It's why South Pacific is unique.

Is a dream a lie if it don't come true?
Or is it... something worse?

We can skip through most of the rest of episode six. Because for the most part, it doesn't really involve Coach.

Christine just keeps on winning duels. That's all that really matters to him.

I'm gonna spin kick you in the throat, Dragon Warrior. I'm comin' for you.

We do get a couple of nice scenes of Coach sharing little bonding moments with Edna.

And he points out what an amazing ally she is going to turn into for him down the road.

"We're definitely vibing. I really like Edna."

"You pick up with certain people around here, and you just feel comfortable."

"She's the one person out here that I think would lay her Survivor life down for me."

And this is where he drops an important quote on us that explains how the game on Upolu has developed.

"To vote her off before Mikayla... who is not part of the six..."

"That would be crazy."

That sounds like just some throwaway quote at first. But then you have to remember that a few episodes ago, Coach was including Mikayla as part of his core.

"I hope and pray that the six people that I have aligned myself with, have the character that I judge them for."

A few episodes ago, Mikayla was considered part of the alliance. Now, in episode six, she no longer is. I don't really know when that happened, or more importantly why that happened, but the important part of it is... in Coach's mind... she is already out of the core. That's significant.

It's also going to set up a fun little power struggle between Coach, Albert, and Sophie at the end of this episode.
But more on that later.

In any case, Coach promises Edna he will always have her back in this game.

And she believes him.

Thank you Coach. I trust you.

Just like any great tactician, Coach is starting to gather his troops in case he is ever forced to square off against the level bosses Albert and Sophie.

"We're in a great spot, Edna."

"I'll just tell you that right now, champ."

"Ready for anything in this game?"

"Ready to follow me into battle?"

"Yes. Even if it gets ugly."

And with that, we head into the all-important episode six immunity challenge.

Where Coach appears to be doing his best Borat impression

Wawaweewa

The challenge today is to assemble a wheelbarrow, maneuver it through an obstacle course, and then shoot coconuts at stuff. Which I swear is the ending of like eighty percent of the challenges this season.

Never forget

And as strong as the Upolus have been in challenges this season...

This time they just can't compete with Ozzy and the Savaiis.

Ozzy's so good, he can even make up for being teamed with Cochran and Dawn

And then the Savaiis just brute force their way to a win at the end.

Coach performs honorably...

But at the end of the day Mikayla can't hit any of the targets because she is only shooting one-handed.

Coach blames her for holding them back...

But it's too late.

And Savaii continues their strength dominance.

Yes! We did it!

Come over here, and let's do an anti-prayer circle!

Thank you for guiding us, Satan!

And just like that, the game has been evened up again, six to six.

Well, crap

And with that, Upolu is headed to Tribal Council tonight.

And remember when I said that Coach was amassing his troops, in case it ever came down to a showdown against Albert and Sophie?

Well it was a good thing he did that.

Because now that showdown is here.

It's time to see who is actually calling the shots in this tribe

So Upolu heads back to camp.

And right off the bat, Coach knows who he wants to send home tonight.

"It's Mikayla's fault we lost."

"I gave her direction in the challenge today, and she wouldn't take it."

"If I'm gonna coach this team, I need for people in the heat of battle to listen to me."

Now, even though he states it is because of the challenge, there are actually several reasons why Coach wants Mikayla to go home tonight. Obviously part of it is because he doesn't feel she is coachable. But the other reason is... and I'd argue the more important one... is that if Mikayla doesn't go home tonight, that means that Edna goes home. And Coach doesn't want Edna to go home.

He knows full well that Edna is his super secret weapon when he gets to the merge.

I mean, she's the only one who states she will publicly eat a piece of his shit
How could he not love that?

So even though Coach frames this as a crusade against the one who wouldn't listen to him (Mikayla), what he's REALLY doing is he's trying to protect Edna from Sophie and Albert. Because she will always be loyal to Coach, and she won't necessarily be loyal to them. And everyone knows that.

And so again, here comes the first (and really the only) big Upolu power showdown.

First, Coach frames his side of the argument for the cameras

"We gotta figure out if it's gonna be Mikayla or Edna tonight."

"Neither one of them are part of the original five."

For reference

"But Mikayla wasn't coachable in the challenge."

"She doesn't follow orders, so she's going home tonight."

Meanwhile, Albert is doing his best to protect Mikayla.

And turn the vote against Edna.

"Coach and Brandon are coming after you."

"But trust me. I can get Coach to listen to me."

"I can save you."

Please note that I'm sure this was a much more complicated decision than I could possibly make in a writeup. I'm sure there were back and forths between everyone, and that everyone had some super secret hidden motivation. And I'm sure there were promises and side-alliances, in between promises and side-alliances. And also, there were future challenges coming up the tribe had to think about.

"Mikayla isn't coachable. She needs to go NOW."

"Edna has zero challenge value. Zero."

"If we lose the next challenge, we're in a terrible spot!"

But at the end of the day, all you need to know is that it's really just a showdown between Coach and the duo of Albert/Sophie.

We're really just deciding who is calling the shots.

"We sit Edna out of almost every challenge! There's a reason for that!"

And I can't resist pointing out that Albert absolutely foreshadows what is going to happen at the merge.

He just predicts it happening to Upolu, and not Savaii.

He accidentally foreshadows the wrong tribe.

"Somebody who knows they're the sixth person?"

You called?

"They're gonna maybe react desperately when we get to a merge."

"Edna knows she's the sixth."

"That's dangerous."

In any case, Sophie is on board with Albert that they have to vote Edna.

This sucks. I can't believe we're splitting this early.

But you're comfortable voting out Edna?

Sophie agrees that yeah, it has to be Edna

And this is where the showdown finally commences.

Albert and Sophie try to sway Brandon, but they can't

"I will not vote for Edna because I am my word."

"I swore to Coach and Edna that I wouldn't, and I won't."

Also, I'm pretty sure that Mikayla is a succubus

So that means the person they really need to go talk to right now... is Coach.

Oh great. We need to go grovel to the Dragon Slayer.

We need to go kiss this guy's ass. God help us.

And sure enough...

If this is a dick-measuring contest today...

Coach has already brought out the measuring tape.

Oh I'm sorry. I can't hear you over the sound of my three swing votes.

"Come on, man. We need to vote Edna tonight."

Nyet

"The next challenge is make or break. We need to win the next challenge."

Nyet

"Edna offers us nothing. We can't have a liability going into the next challenge."

I love you. But go fuck yourself.

"Come on, man. You know Chuckie would do it."

How dare you

And this is where Coach decides to lay down the law.

"I'm gonna tell you right now, from one Coach to another..."

"I lost the challenge today."

Oh that's nice. Coach is taking responsibility.

See, he's actually growing.

For once he isn't going to blame other people, and accuse them of losing the cha...

"I lost it because nobody listened to me."

"I told Mikayla to stop shooting."

"She didn't hit one fucking thing."

Well then.

Never mind.

"If I would have told Edna "Stop it," she would have stopped."

"And that's it."

The negotiations go on for a while, of course...

Plus, have you noticed that Mikayla looks different in every single picture taken of her?

Brandon says she's just like Ted Bundy

And of course... at the end of the day, no one is bending.

Coach, we really need to be on the same page with this

How can I explain this in Russian to you guys?

Ешь мои орехи.

As per tradition, the Dragon Slayer remains...

Unmovable
Unbreakable
Unyielding

"I'm telling you right now. I'd rather take Edna into battle than Mikayla."

*sigh*

I wish he'd just hit us with a Chuckie the Cheese joke

And just like that, Coach wins the first (and only) real power struggle in Upolu.

Make fun of the guy all you want, but that was pretty impressive.

You win this time, Coach. But we shall meet again.

Looking forward to it, rookie.

All Coach has to do is pull in Rick for the final swing vote tonight.

Hey Rick, what if I could set you up with a lifetime supply of mustache wax?

I'm listenin'

And just like that, Coach now has near-complete control over the Upolu alliance.

"Albert and Sophie might think that Edna is going home."

"But I'm gonna tell you right now..."

"If I have anything to do with it?"

"That's not gonna happen."

And honestly, Coach is actually an incredible badass here.

It's the only time anyone ever stands up and wins against Albert and (especially) Sophie.

And another thing. You're not really a fucking baseball. Stop saying that.

And that means that... at the end of episode six... Coach honestly, truly, really is...

Wawaweewa

All that's left is for Upolu to go to Tribal Council now.

And for Coach's attempt to save Edna to succeed.

Albert and Sophie, you two are trying to divide the tribe.

We need to listen to Coach!

Brandon makes a good point. We all need to be on the same page.

That's right! And praise God!

"We all agreed to vote together, and there should only be one vote tonight. Mikayla."

"You say you guys are loyal, but that's not loyalty."

There's a lot of stuff thrown around about loyalty and honor at this particular Tribal Council. But none of it is especially important to Coach's storyline.

For Coach's storyline, all you need to know is that...

Mikayla goes home

*lick*

And Coach wins the big showdown.

I rule

And Albert and Sophie have learned that you might not want to underestimate this guy.

As a player, he is a lot more powerful and dangerous than he originally appeared.

For you two are now the dragons. And I just slayed you.

And here's the thing that's especially fun about Coach at this particular point in the game.

Not only did he just have an amazing episode six, he's about to have an even better episode in the following episode, in episode seven. And then it's going to be topped even further in episode eight, where he'll pull off maybe the greatest single Survivor performance of all time.

We'll just call that the Cochran episode

Coach is absolutely rocketing his way to a Survivor victory right now.

He is proving all the naysayers, and the skeptics of his, wrong.

He is absolutely winning this game.

For the queen!

But at the same time...

There ARE warning signs.

And the story is telling us that.

Because don't forget. He is making enemies.

And Redemption Island is still play. He will have to account for that.

And the Savaiis aren't thrilled with all this shit about God being an Upolu member

And I'm sure Albert and Sophie won't forget the way he just flat-out embarrassed them

And of course there's also the BIGGEST obstacle he will still have to face at some point.

The fact that Brandon is a fucking wild card

In fact, Brandon even drops a little bit of foreshadowing right at the end of this episode. That shows us that Coach's path to victory might not be as obvious as it would otherwise appear.

Because, again, there IS that thing about the hidden immunity idol still floating around...