#1. Ozzy Outwits Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long
So it's done. Ozzy has done it.
He has completed his Hero's Journey*.
* first of two Hero Journeys this
season, actually
Came. Chewed bubblegum. Kicked ass.
He
has pulled Savaii back into the game again, just by being a complete
badass.
He has defeated all the weird obstacles that have been thrown in his
way.
And in one of the
most epic storylines we have seen up to this point in Survivor
history, he
has battled his way all the way back from Redemption Island, and right
back into the game.
Like a boss
And this completion of Ozzy's Hero's Journey
means, of course...
"That Ozzy, you are now back in the hunt for the money."
"Because you and everyone else are now merged."
Ha ha! I did it! The merge!
And with the merge, that means that the second half of South Pacific is
now ON.
Huzzah!
Oh yeah, and it ALSO means...
That the niceties are all done now.
Cause shit's about to get real.
Although, you know what?
Before we get too far into this idea
that Ozzy has completed a Hero's Journey, and that he
has actually won something...
Not so fast, Lusth
Um...
Uh...
At this point...
I guess there's ONE other South Pacific variable we sorta have
to bring up.
And oh my god, you guys, this one is soooooooo bad
See, you know how Ozzy has successfully overcome every obstacle that
has been thrown his way so far in this season?
Obstacle one
Obstacle two
Obstacle three
Obstacle four
Obstacle five
Obstacle six
Obstacle seven
Even
though Ozzy has overcome ALL of these obstacles so far (and
more!)...
Even though Ozzy has done AMAZINGLY well so far in this
game...
There is still ONE huge obstacle left that now stands in his
way.
And if you're familiar with South Pacific at all... um...
... I'm pretty sure you know what it is.
It's a big one
See, Ozzy has pulled off an amazing tale of heroicism so far.
But now there's THESE assholes
And if you thought Jim and Cochran and Dawn had
been annoying to have to deal with before...
Now he's up against an actual cult
Needless to say, the next step of Ozzy's journey is probably
going to be...
... not fun.
Aw man, I hate religion even more than I hate herpes.
Fuck!
And
with that, let's walk through Ozzy's attempts to take down
the most unbreakable, most unyielding, most
annoyingly Jesus-y tribe of all time.
The Upolus
So...
On day twenty-two in South Pacific, the players all merge.
Yay!
And as usual, everyone celebrates.
And after all the wining and dining (and psalm forty-nining), it's time
for formal introductions to take place.
"Hi, I'm Rick. You probably won't see me again the rest of
the season."
This is where Ozzy gets a chance to meet his new
tribesmates, the Peoples' Temple of Upolu.
For the first time in more than three weeks, he gets to finally say hi.
"Hi, I'm Brandon. They call me the Sword of
Justice."
"Ozzy, God wants to know you'll roast in hell because of
your Twitter page."
"But God also wants you to know that He's not just a prude."
"He doesn't hate ALL porn, Ozzy, he just hates YOUR porn."
This
is where Ozzy gets his first (and probably only) chance to
find
out if there's some sort of a weakness in the Upolu Alliance.
Some sort
of a crack somewhere he'll be able to exploit.
A place where he can... you know... maybe make inroads.
Maybe form some sort of a...
Shyeah, right. You're a Savaii. Fuck off!
You know what? I'm gonna save you some time here.
Ozzy's not going to make any friends with these people.
They're a cult.
They're all nuts.
Hi, I'm Sophie. I'm going to murder you.
Hi, I'm Albert. There are some who would call me as
a baseball.
Hi, I'm Brandon, we met before. God still thinks
you're a devil.
The Hale-Bopp Comet draws near! AND THEN WE WILL ALL DIE!!
I'm Purple Rick. Get 'er done.
Um, yeah.
Let's just say the odds are REAL low he's gonna find
someone to team up with.
"Ozzy, there's this mouse I gotta tell you about.
This guy is amazing."
"His name's Chuckie, and he knows all these things about
life."
Wait. You're gonna stand here on day twenty-two, and you're gonna talk
about a mouse?
"Chuckie's love for you is like a pepperoni, Ozzy."
"It's round and it has no end."
(whispers ominously)
"If you want to be part of this
tribe, you'll accept him"
Sooooooo anyway...
Looks like Ozzy is, once again, a man on his own.
As usual, when it comes to South Pacific...
... he has no one to work with.
I like the way you win challenges, Ozzy, but eat
shit
I'm kidding around, of course.
The Upolus aren't THAT blatantly against Ozzy. At least, not to his
face.
But the sentiment is most definitely there.
Because if you're NOT a member of the Upolu family
They don't want you
In other words...
Let's just say that, even though we have merged, Ozzy's path to the end
really hasn't changed all that much.
He's still kind of fucked.
Just like it has always been...
It's still EVERYONE ELSE in South Pacific...
... against Ozzy.
Hey Coach, do me a favor? Help a guy out?
Let me explain this simply to you. No.
Please?
No.
Why not?
Because we're a family, Ozzy. And we don't
screw our family.
Until House Member Nick Wilson (R-Kentucky) specifically
introduces a bill to support it...
... you don't fuck your family.
Soooo uh... sorry Ozzy.
Unless you're suddenly an Upolu, looks like you're back on
your own.
*sigh* That's fine. I'm kinda used to it by now.
So the merge happens.
And the Savaiis and Upolus all pretend to make friends.
Yada yada yada. You've seen Survivor before. You know how it goes.
"Hey Brandon, do you collect Survivor Pringles Chips too?"
"I know God loves you, Cochran. But I don't understand why."
And everyone tries their best to make bonds.
And unfortunately for Ozzy (and unfortunately for the Savaiis in
general)...
In the middle of all these fake new bonds being formed...
Hey Coach, do you like toast? I do, too. It is
fluffy and warm.
In the middle of all these fake bonds being formed...
Somewhere... off in the shadows...
Unbeknownst to most of the Savaiis...
There is an actual REAL bond being formed.
A bond between a Savaii and an Upolu
And this is the WORST thing that could possibly happen if
you're someone like Ozzy.
Because here comes Benedict Cochran. That weasely little
dickhole.
And after ALL the hard work Ozzy put in, just to tie up this game?
After ALL the hard work Ozzy put in, just to give himself a path to the
end?
After that INCREDIBLE Hero's Journey?
That's right! I wrote myself into mythology! I'm a god!
It's all going to be rendered meaningless in a second...
Because Cochran wants to hang out with the cult members
And this is where, if you watch South Pacific from the point of view of
Ozzy...
... and
you realize that ALL the hard work he put in earlier in the season is
going to be rendered completely meaningless. All because of Cochran...
... and
you realize that maybe the most epic Hero's Journey in Survivor history
is about to be turned into irrelevant crap. Again, all because of
Cochran...
... I think you can understand his frustration.
Especially when he gives us the title of this chapter.
GOD DAMN YOU,
JOHN COCHRAN!!!!
And again, this is where I need to repeat
something for you. Something that I specifically pointed out
in the last chapter.
If
Cochran was hurt by the way the Savaiis treated him a couple of nights
ago...
When they all laid into him after they voted out Ozzy...
"Cochran, you're a coward. You suck."
"Cochran, I'm not making you bread anymore. You suck."
"Survivor Pringles Chips DISGUST me."
Cochran
was probably hurt by all that.
And admittedly, he probably had every RIGHT to be hurt by all that.
It was probably a very long night for him.
"We're out here being Pearl Islands. And you're out here
being Cook Islands."
"You SUCK."
But at the same time, guess what?
Guess which member of Savaii was NOT there that night.
Guess which member of Savaii had NOTHING to do with that?
Here's a hint: It was the guy who was over on Redemption Island, saving the game for
his tribe.
So
if you want to view Cochran's move as "revenge", because of the
way the Savaiis laid into him a couple of nights
ago...*
*which I know is just one interpretation of
the story. But for now, let's just say it's the one that I'm going with.
If you want to look at this episode THAT way, that turning on
Savaii was Cochran's revenge...
Cochran's hit list
Well, now, let's take a step back.
And let's look at this "revenge" thing again.
... only... this time... let's look at it from Ozzy's perspective.
The guy who's the ACTUAL victim
Because if you view Cochran's move as "revenge because of what
the Savaiis did to him"...
Well... then that means...
... that Ozzy gets punished for something he wasn't even
THERE for!
So again.
If YOU were Ozzy, and this was YOUR storyline...
You'd be pretty mad too.
And that's why Ozzy was perfectly justified when he later
got angry at Cochran.
I mean, Jesus, you little shithead. FUCK!
And anyway... with that being said...
Let's get back to the merge episode now.
And let's watch as Cochran COMPLETELY sabotages the end of Ozzy's
incredible Hero's Journey.
All hail the villain
So anyway, it's day twenty-two of South Pacific. Yada yada yada. And
the two tribes have just merged.
And... as is traditional on Survivor...
For most of the day, everyone tries to go awkwardly make bonds.
They all try to go find a new friend.
"I know it says I'm dating Coach, but that's just a typo. I
actually date girls."
"Have you ever banged an entire Brazilian swim team? Cause
you should totally try that."
And in the middle of all this fake friendship... of course...
Way off in the shadows...
For I am the devil. And I deal in darkness.
Way off in the shadows, far away from everyone...
... there is an actual REAL friendship being formed.
A new cross-tribal alliance.
"You know, John..."
"Something tells me you're a man who knows
adventure and fine bourbon."
Why, yes! Finally! FINALLY somebody gets me!
"Well I've got a deal for you, player. A deal you'll be
interested in."
And this deal they're about to agree to...
"Chuckie wants you, Corkran. Chuckie wants you as part of
His army."
This deal they're about to agree to means that...
Despite ALL the talk that a tribe never screws one another...
... and your tribe always sticks together in this game.
"We go in six-six. Cause that's how we're going to win this."
And despite ALL the lessons we learned from the hit Columbia movie Jack
and Jill, just a couple of episodes ago...
"You GUYS! It's all about FAMILY!"
And
despite ALL the talk that Upolu and Savaii HAVE to stick
together,
if one of them wants to get to the end of this game...
Albert, if you so much as switch to Savaii, I will END YOU!
Despite ALL that...
That's all going to come to an end.
The minute that Cochran is drawn into THE CULT.
Welcome, soldier
Because Coach does the ONE thing that Sirens
did with sailors back in Greek Mythology.
He lures the weak ones in with a song.
"I've got a fast kayak."
"Is it fast enough so we can fly away? We
gotta make a decision."
"Leave tonight... or live and die this way."
"And I.... I...."
"... had a feeling that you belonged."
"That you could be someone."
"Be someone."
"Be someone."
And just like that...
Okay, you got me. I'm in.
I'm a member of the cult now
"Good, cause I've also got this really good joke
about crazy bread."
And see? Who said no one's willing to screw their own tribe in
South Pacific?
Cochran's about to screw over EVERYONE.
R.I.P. Savaii
Because this is just what
happens when you have a season like South
Pacific. That never has any twists, exchanges, or swaps.
Where everyone is required to stick together all the way to the end.
Like they're some sort of a family.
"We ARE a family! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! We're
all relatives!"
Because unfortunately....
Sometimes a cousin gets greedy at one of the key junction points.
You know... I'd be FOURTH over there. And I'd only be SIXTH
over here.
And... uh... to be as blunt as I possibly can...
He decides to fuck his own family.
And with that, say goodbye to Savaii (which of course,
includes Ozzy) having ANY possible chance in this game.
'Cause they're about to get Cochraned.
"You know, if I join you guys, I'll get voted out on day
thirty, instead of day thirty-two."
"And that sounds pretty good to me."
Thanks, nerd. This is why you're our favorite.
"Anyway, you guys want to hear some Survivor: Marquesas fun facts?"
No. Not at all. But you're awesome.
And anyway...
Let's just say that if Ozzy actually owned a TV... and Ozzy ever went
back and watched South Pacific again...
THIS is the part where he'd want to punch his TV.
"There are a lot of downsides to jumping ship."
"But I do believe that the Upolu members are super solid."
"Completely honest, and trustworthy."
And anyway, I'll say it here for Ozzy myself.
Because I know that he can't.
Oh Jesus fucking CHRIST, Cochran
So anyway, let's finish off the episode now.
Let's watch as Ozzy gets his big Hero's Journey taken away.
Hey, you're still with us for the big vote tonight. Right,
buddy?
Buddy?
Coch-Ring?
And then Ozzy gets the ONE answer he doesn't want to hear.
"Okay, Ozzy... um... funny story..."
Oh, shit
"Apparently Coach has this fast kayak..."
And just like that, it looks like Cochran might
not be willing to go to rocks tonight.
He isn't comfortable facing a 6-6 tie.
"... and then Coach told me this really great story about Chuckie. And
it was funny."
Wut
"Anyway, please don't hit me."
"Oh and also, please don't tell Whitney."
"She'll hit me."
And great.
If you're Ozzy, this is NOT what you want to hear right about now.
And pretty soon, everyone ELSE on Savaii knows a betrayal might be
coming, too.
Cochran goes around, and he warns everyone.
"He said if I fly away in his kayak, I could be someone."
"I could be someone."
And this is how Savaiicracy dies, my friends.
It dies with thunderous applause.
Or... alternately... with this
Oh yeah, and because we're just about to the end of the episode
here (and
also, to the end of Savaii), let's take a little side detour now at
this point in the writeup. And
let's have a quick little discussion about math.
Just because... well... if you want to understand why Cochran's move
was SO FUCKING BRUTAL TO THE REST OF THE SAVAIIS... it's kinda important to understand why they're so PISSED.
Again, it's all about math.
To begin our discussion on math, let's go to this episode's immunity challenge
So the rules of today's challenge are...
"Today, there are TWO immunity necklaces."
"The winning man will get one, and the winning woman will
get one."
"TWO of you will wind up immune."
And... of course... because Savaii is generally better in most of the
challenges...
Forearm strength. Basically.
Because Savaii is generally better in the challenges... guess who winds
up winning immunity?
Ozzy wins for the Savaiis, of course
And Dawn wins immunity too. Also, of course, for the Savaiis.
Rrrrrrr, fire bad!
So that means that... of the SIX members of Savaii... TWO of them
are going to be immune for the vote tonight.
That leaves just FOUR of them tonight who could possibly get
votes.
The unlucky four
Oh yeah, and then on TOP of two of them having immunity, Savaii can increase their chances to survive
the big rock draw tonight even MORE, by...
... well... why don't you tell us, Jim?
Tell us why the odds are looking so good for Savaii tonight.
"Because we also have an idol. The idol that Ozzy found."
"So we can stack our odds even MORE by giving our
idol to Whitney."
"Because we assume they're gunning for Whitney tonight. Just
to avoid all our big guys."
In other words, if Savaii plays their cards optimally, and they give
their idol to Whitney...
That means their vulnerabilities tonight now look like THIS.
Now there are THREE Savaiis that are safe from the vote tonight
And I don't know about you...
But...
Three targets is a hell of a lot
better than having SIX possible targets
Side note:
Yeah, I know. Upolu has an idol floating around in
their
possession, too. But even then, even if they played it, the best they
could ever do is whittle it down to five possible targets.
Upolu will ALWAYS have (at least) one more vulnerable member than
Savaii tonight. Probably two. And possibly even three.
In other words, Savaii has an ENORMOUS advantage going into a potential rock draw
tonight. That's just the math.
For argument sake, let's just say this is what Upolu's
vulnerabilities look like tonight
And again, this is where we go back to professional poker player Jim
Rice.
Who... I probably don't have to point this out to you... probably spends a lot
of his time thinking about gambling odds.
"No one likes the idea of picking rocks for a million
dollars."
"But if we wind up doing that... and it LOOKS like we'll be
doing that, because no one will budge..."
"If we wind up going to rocks, then the odds are we'll win."
And look.
I'm not a professional poker player like Mr. Rice up there. I'm not a
gambler at all. I'm just some nobody writer who has barely even pulled
the handle on a slot machine. I'm just some guy who writes fart jokes about Rupert.
But! Even -I-... as a humble writer... I could tell you the
odds.
Because if the two tribes wind up going to rocks tonight...
... Here, I'll show you the math*.
* note: of course, I am using the tiebreaker rules
that existed in season 23 (everyone but the immunity holder(s) draws
rocks). Not the more complicated rules that came later.
Basically, to make a long story short...
As long as everyone treats tonight like a Vegas gambling game...
And as long as EVERYONE goes into tonight playing optimal odds theory...
Then there's one hard and fast law when it comes to tonight's vote.
And that one hard and fast law is...
"In every single scenario, we have the advantage tonight."
It's not a sure thing that an Upolu
cult member would go home tonight at all.
But...
"If I were betting on us winning this tiebreaker, I'd take
those odds every time."
"Because those are a hell of a lot better odds than
they'd give you in Vegas."
And again, this is why the Savaiis were SO MAD when Cochran refused to
go to a rock draw.
IDIOT
And why Ozzy was SO FURIOUS that Cochran just ruined the game for all
of them.
While, simultaneously, shitting ALL OVER Ozzy's own personal Hero's
Journey.
ASSHOLE
It's because...
Well...
Because if you're a fan of math...
And if you're a fan of game theory...
... then sorry, but this was the wrong move
Now... was Cochran's choice defensible? From a strategic point of view?
Of course it was.
I mean, if this were a Cochran chapter, if I were recapping South
Pacific only from the point of view of John Cochran, absolutely. In THAT case I'd sit
here, and I'd write a hundred page shalingua shakwaria
about how it was his best chance in this game. His only real option if he wanted to win.
It was his first and only chance to really shake up the status quo. He should probably make a big move.
A big, camera-hoggy move that Ciera would get moist over
However...
Let me be perfectly clear about this.
This is NOT a chapter about Cochran. This is a chapter about Ozzy. OZZY is the main character in this particular narrative.
And from the point of view of Ozzy, and Ozzy alone...
Way to blow it for all of us, dick
And yep.
THIS is what it feels like when some rando at the blackjack table just screwed you.
Looks like Ozzy isn't the one who will be making the O face tonight
And with that, let's finish off the episode.
So Savaii meets to go over the plan, after they just won two immunities
"I'll ask one more time. Everybody is solid? Yes?"
"We're all still forcing a tie?"
"NO! You're NOT gonna flip. That was our plan."
Meanwhile, Upolu is off in some weird little prayer circle.
Giving thanks to the god of Detroit style pizza or some shit.
Praying that He's going to reach down from heaven, and He's going to protect them tonight.
"Dear God, after you hobble Ozzy, please make Cochran super naive."
"Make him believe everything I say. Make him an idiot."
Meanwhile, Dawn tries to warn Cochran ONE last time.
Don't do it, John.
Don't be part of that creepy weird cult.
"They're just giving you promises."
"Why would they choose you over one of
their own?"
"They're not gonna take you to the end!"
"I mean, I'm Mormon. And even I think those guys are a cult."
"That should tell you something."
"Those guys are WEIRD!"
Ozzy himself even makes one last attempt to pull Cochran back over.
Tries to make him feel like he's a part of Savaii.
"Hey bra, how ya doin'?"
"Wanna know what it was like to be on top of Amanda?"
Why yes. Please tell me about that.
"You and me, John Cochran. We're very similar."
"We're almost there, man."
"It's like a good orgasm. Just hold it in a little longer, and it'll be
so good."
"You know?"
Why yes, I was just thinking that
"Just one more vote. And then we're winning this game."
Ozzy tries. He really DOES try.
But it doesn't matter.
Because at the end of the day...
Cochran still chooses the cult members.
"So Ozzy tells me about all these Norwegians he's been with. Thinking I'm going to relate to that."
Awww, that's beautiful.
"Anyway, vote for Keith tonight. Keith won't have an idol."
Thank you, we will
"Also, want to share stories about law school vs. med school sometime?"
lol, no
And with that, let's head to the vote.
So Tribal Council begins. As you can see, it's the biggest Tribal Council of the season.
The one at the merge
To you, Ozzy. May the best leader win.
Yep, may the best leader win. To us.
And right from the start, Cochran gives a pretty good indicator of how he is going to vote.
"The closeness of these tribes seems crazy to me."
"What are the odds that you would have two tribes THIS unified?"
"I don't know. I don't do odds. I do Survivor."
Oh shit. Wedgie boy doesn't do odds.
Jim tries his best to steer the narrative, of course...
"It would make no sense to flip. No one's gonna flip tonight."
And then a bunch of other stuff happens, of course.
None of which is particularly important to this narrative.
"I'm going to play this idol for Whitney tonight."
"Just so... you know... we have a nearly seventy percent chance of winning this rock draw."
NEVER FORGET
And then, of course, none of that math even matters. Because Cochran just flips on them.
So Savaii never even gets to that rock draw.
Sorry boys. New sheriff's in town.
Yee-haw
Which could NOT please the Upolu Cult Members any more.
Because they understand how lucky they just got with all of this.
Muhahahaha. Fuck you, Savaiis.
Oh my god. Cochran actually FLIPPED?!?
When you know you just made the final three now
And this is where we get a collection of some of my all-time favorite reaction shots.
Right after the vote.
"The final vote is K. For Keith."
"Sorry, Keith. Cochran just fucked you."
And... cue the faces.
God damnit
God damnit
God love it
What?? But we had the odds!
Oh my god, you little fuck. I hope you like wedgies.
Can I hit him? Cause I'm fixin' to hit him.
Oh poopie, I'm screwed
And then come the reaction shots you probably remember.
You're dead
You're dead
"That's what you get for talking to people like that in the FIRST place."
"Chuckie doesn't LIKE that!"
And we can't finish this episode, of course, without these super fun face shots.
Smell ya later, Savaii. It's been fun.
Adios, Keith. You'll be missed.
Hey, back in Tocantins, did you guys hear me say "Dragon Slayer?"
And... of course...
The creme de la creme when it comes to the end of the Cochran episode...
When you realize you just lost Survivor to Coach Fucking Wade
And that's why the name of this particular chapter was...
... say it with me one last time...
GOD DAMN YOU, JOHN COCHRAN!
*
really tiny postscript I don't want you to think about too much - ummm,
if you're worried about Cochran flipping, if you know he's scared of going to rocks... why not just give him your idol?
You'll notice I never got into that question. Anyway, that's a very important
subplot in this episode that I didn't feel like dealing with. So consider
this my admission of that. Apparently I'm a coward like Cochran.
