The
Funny 115 - The Third One
Ozzy Chapter 8 - Ozzy's in Hell
#1. Ozzy Outwits Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long
Well,
there's no sugar coating what's going on with Ozzy right after the
Cochran vote. So I guess I might as well come right out and say it.
At this point in South Pacific, Ozzy's in hell
Because let's see here. How many different ways is he now screwed?
On one hand, he's got one group of tribemates (the Savaiis) who have
spent all game trying to actively handicap him.
"It's called hobbling, Ozzy."
"It's what they did to the workers to keep them
from running."
On the other hand, he's got ANOTHER bunch of tribemates (The People's
Temple of Upolu) who all hate his guts.
And who want nothing to do with him.
You sick son of a bitch. I bet you smile evilly at people.
And oh yeah. Who... of course... are now actively targeting him.
"The porn star, he vexes me."
"Make him not vex me anymore."
"Maybe if we call in God, He can drop napalm on him."
"Yes, let's try that."
So Ozzy already has EVERY player in the game actively
working against him.
Actively rooting against his success.
Oh yeah, and then on top of all that, he just got backstabbed by THIS
little fart nozzle.
Cochran
So like I said before...
In terms of Survivor, Ozzy's in hell now
This is one of the lowest points he's ever been in.
Over three different seasons of Survivor.
Which means the next twenty-four hours must have absolutely
SUCKED for the guy
And with that fact in mind... that Ozzy's in hell now...
Let's watch his situation start at bad...
... and let's watch it get even WORSE.
GOD DAMN YOU, JOHN COCHRAN!
So the players all come back to camp, right after the big John Cochran
Screwjob.
And of course, Ozzy has something important he has to say to someone.
There's something he needs to verbalize to someone IMMEDIATELY.
Cochran, of course, believes he's about to get beat up.
Please, tiny Asian Edna, protect me
But here's the important thing you need to remember about the following
scene.
THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO THE HEROIC TALE OF OZZY, SO PLEASE
REMEMBER THIS!
Out of ALL the Savaiis who complain to Cochran right after the Screwjob
Vote...
... Ozzy is actually the nice one.
Ozzy is the only one who doesn't completely come down on him
See, Ozzy just wants to pull Cochran aside, and ask him this completely
logical question.
"So what's up, man? What just happened?"
"Why did you just do that to us?"
Whereas Jim is an absolute dick to Cochran afterwards...
"You're a piece of shit coward!"
"You're a poor excuse for a man!"
"Don't fuck me ever again!"
And whereas Whitney practically attacks the poor guy...
Oh, he's fixin' to get slapped
"After all Keith and I did to look out for you."
"We saved you three times."
"You DISGUST me."
I don't even want to repeat what this last word was
... even though Ozzy is just as unhappy as the rest of his
tribe, he is by FAR the most civil about things.
"Cochran, you totally screwed me over."
That's really about as mad as he gets.
He doesn't really go into rage mode like the rest of them do.
"If I EVER see your name in the credits for The Millers, I'M TURNING
THE CHANNEL!"
"YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE TO WRITE FOR NETWORK TV!"
By
the way, full disclosure here. For purposes of this writeup, please
note that we never actually see Dawn's reaction. So I have no idea how
she reacted to Cochran that night.
Going by what we know about Dawn, I'm assuming she tried to roundhouse
kick him in the face or something. But I would only be guessing.
"When the pain train comes, it would be best if you duck."
"Cause Mister Foot don't like redheads, m.f."
So anyway, the Savaiis ALL come down on Cochran directly after the vote*.
* as they should have
They ALL get super emotional towards him.
They ALL are enraged.
Except for one of them, of course.
Except for Ozzy.
Except for the one zen one
Ozzy just stands there.
And he has a nice calm discussion with him.
"You gotta understand, I put my ass on the line for you
directly."
"You don't even realize that."
And this next line is particularly true.
Especially if you've been paying attention to Ozzy's fun little Hero's
Journey.
"You just stabbed me in the back SO HARD."
So anyway, that's that.
Cochran just screwed over all the Savaiis.
And... in their own various ways... they all show their displeasre with
him.
You're a PIECE OF SHIT!
You're a PIECE OF SHIT!
I'll kick your farting throat in. You're a PIECE OF
SHIZ!
And... of course... the one calm, logical one.
"I was thinking maybe you, me, and Lohan could have
had a three-way up at the Playboy Mansion."
"Endless coke. Endless pills. Endless everything."
"And now? None of it. Now that's all off the table."
"Now you party alone."
Although to be fair, Ozzy at least leaves him with this.
None of the other Savaiis say anything like this.
"Anyway, I hope you make it far."
And see? See?
See why I write these chapters now? I TOLD you Ozzy was the hero of
this season!
Out
of everyone in South Pacific... either Upolu or Savaii... he is the
only one we ever see who ever does anything gracious.
Although, of course... what he means is "I hope you make it
to the finals..."
"... so we can all rip you apart."
I didn't say Ozzy was THAT nice a guy.
I just said that... out of all the people who rip Cochran a new
asshole...
... at least Ozzy was diplomatic enough to only do it in confessionals.
"Cochran says it was about self-preservation."
"And sure, that's the easy way out."
"That's how a wiener plays."
So anyway, that's the Savaiis reacting to Cochran betraying
them.
And how Ozzy was the only one out there who didn't choose to be a dick
about it.
NEVER FORGET THAT.
"Fuck! Piece of shit NERD!"
"You know, I've spin-kicked a hell of a lot scrawnier law
students than you."
Oh, South Pacific.
Oh, quirky South Pacific.
How I love you.
"And WHY didn't I get voted back in Cambodia?? Those piece
of shit NERDS!!"
From here on out, Ozzy's story is going to
become very simple, really. I mean, if you know South Pacific, you know
how it's going to go.
He really only has ONE option left that's available to him.
He only has ONE path left, if he wants to get to the end.
And that one path is...
Well yes. Thank you, Jake Taylor.
To make a long story short, Ozzy's one path left, if he wants to get to
the end...
... is...
... oh... no biggie...
Just win every single goddamn immunity challenge
See? Not that complicated.
Just win every single challenge over the next two weeks.
That can't be THAT difficult. Right?
I mean, Kelly Wiglesworth once won four in a row. How hard could it be?
Ozzy even sits down for a confessional the next day, and he explains
this to us.
How this is the only option left for him now.
An immunity run.
"Survivor can be really cutthroat."
"You gotta trust people at certain points."
"And those people can turn around, and just stick a knife
right in your gut."
The gut sticker
"My total strategy is gone."
"I have nothing more I can do."
"But I'm just gonna keep fighting."
"I'm
gonna bust my ass today at the challenge."
"And I'm just gonna keep on winning."
"Keep winning until
there's no one else left."
And I'm sorry. But even if you hate Ozzy, you've gotta
admit. That's a pretty good speech.
That's the kind of speech that people who produce these reality shows
tend to LOVE. Where a player lays out the storyline. He lays out his
options. He explains EXACTLY what he is going to do. And then he goes
out and he does it.
That's the kind of speech that could culminate in a guy pulling off
the single most improbable comeback win of all time.
You know, like this guy
Because honestly, if you look closely at it, Ozzy's
storyline in South Pacific is actually VERY similar to the
famous storyline of Mike Holloway, in Worlds Apart.
They are both structured the EXACT same way.
It's basically one lone outcast, who is up against everyone
There's this douchebag Axis of Evil. And they all
want him dead.
There's this smug punchable asshat who's the face of the bad
guys.
Who annoys the audience to no end. And who thinks he is
smarter than everyone.
We all know who they are
And basically... it eventually just turns into a storyline of
"can one scrappy underdog knock out the Axis of Evil?"
Which Mike did in Worlds Apart
Repeatedly
And which Ozzy is about to do too, in South Pacific.
Also repeatedly
FOR I AM OZZY! ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?
And, of course, it will ALL culminate in an emotional scene at the end
of the season...
... where the hero has a heart to heart with the failed cult leader
"Coach, shut the fuck up. This time I'M telling the joke
about Chuckie."
Now, obviously, the story of Mike and the story of Ozzy aren't EXACTLY
the same...
... I mean, there's ONE key variable we're kind of ignoring
here
But if you ignore the variable of Sophie (we'll get to her story later,
I promise), you'll see that what I'm saying is correct.
The MINUTE Ozzy gets betrayed that that little sweater-vested weasel,
Cochran...
Seriously, dude?
The MINUTE that happens, Ozzy's story and Mike's story are now exactly
the same.
It's just one long heroic extended immunity run...
... to take out the bad guys
.... "well, shit."
And again, to go back to my original thesis, this is why I think people
need to appreciate South Pacific more than they generally do.
Because if you want to see one of the most heroic, stirring, most
badass comebacks in the history of Survivor...
I mean...
... it's right HERE
So anyway...
"Hey, quick side note. Dan wasn't the face of our Axis of Evil. If you look at the episodes, it was actually..."
Oh shut up, Tyler. No one cares.
With that, let's get back to Ozzy and his big comeback.
So Ozzy has informed us that his only move left is to just win every single immunity challenge
Which actually isn't as crazy as it sounds.
Because... well... because if there's one thing we know about Ozzy...
It's that he's pretty good at winning immunity challenges
So he's got that going for him. The fact that he's good at immunity challenges. Which is nice.
And hey, what do you know, look at that!
Today we're having an immunity challenge!
So Ozzy is all raring to go today.
Ready to start his big immunity run to the end.
And he's going to need it, of course, because...
... well, why don't you tell us, Cochran?
Because Coach lets Cochran choose who's the target tonight
And who do you think this little shitkicker picks?
"In terms of challenges, obviously Ozzy."
Although... and again... THIS IS VERY VERY IMPORTANT TO THE STORY OF OZZY...
Cochran actually adds a SECOND part to his answer right after that. And
this second part is the part that people tend to forget.
"Ozzy for his challenge strength. But on a personal level... Jim."
That's right. Never forget that.
Cochran
has no personal beef with Ozzy. Because unlike the rest of the Savaiis,
Ozzy has never actually been a dick to him. Ozzy, for whatever reason,
has always been fairly cordial to him.
On a personal level, the one Cochran REALLY wants to get revenge against tonight...
... is the asshole
So with that in mind, let's head over to the first post-Cochran immunity challenge.
Because the end of the Savaiis begins tonight
The only question now is...
... in what ORDER?
And
okay, as a comedy writer, THIS is where I have to once again point out
how amazing South Pacific is. And how unintentionally funny it is
at times.
Because you almost can't put into words how funny this first challenge is.
At least... not if you know your Survivor history pretty well... you can't.
This next little callback joke is INCREDIBLE.
Because when Ozzy arrives at the first immunity challenge...
The one that he absolutely needs to kick ass in...
Guess what it turns out to be?
That's right, says the confident Dragonslayer, sticking his chest out
It's the one and only.
The absolute SPECIALTY of Coach.
Today they'll be throwing things underhand at tiles
Which, if you know your Tocantins history...
THAT'S RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER.
I'M THROWING THINGS UNDERHAND AT TILES AGAIN.
THE SLAYER IS BACK!
And I have to imagine that when Ozzy saw he'd have to beat Coach at throwing things underhand at tiles...
The appropriate response to that is...
awwww shit
So the players take their places. And they size up their targets.
Four yards away. Basically.
And Coach draws upon his eight or ten life or death experiences to know how to throw coconuts at the precise right angle.
They call me Galileo, m.f.
And
even though Coach has literally written three books on throwing things
underhand at tiles, he decides to be gracious today, and he throws
the challenge. He decides to let a couple other people win immunity
instead.
Because Coach, as a great leader, is generally benevolent like that.
Oops, I accidentally used the pi-r squared method on that one. Silly me.
And lo and behold, guess who winds up winning immunity today?
Well I'll give you a hint, it's not Ozzy
Dagnabbit
Ozzy is eliminated by Whitney and Dawn.
Yes! This delights me!
Woo hoo! I'm the tile breaking queen!
And just like that, it looks like our hero's journey has come to an end.
Ozzy's story appears to be over.
When you realize your fellow warrior's quest has come to an end
When you realize you should have read one of Coach's underhand throwing instruction books
Fuck it. I wish that I read more.
And anyway, that's that.
Inside, Probst is crying. Because he knows he's losing an alpha male legend tonight.
Oh yeah, and to make matters even worse, guess who DOES wind up winning immunity today?
It's Jim
You know...
The OTHER guy who was being discussed as the target tonight
Which means that...
In the words of the great one, Sandra Diaz-Twine...
Ozzy is FUCKED
And with that, I guess it's time to lose Ozzy.
Day 22. His last day.
For the second, and probably final time in the game... he's going to be
voted out.
The strategy for the vote tonight? Pretty simple.
"We just gotta pile all our votes onto Ozzy tonight."
Although I do like this cute little moment.
"I mean, you gotta do it."
"Cause how many chances do you get to vote him out of the game?"
"Um, apparently two."
Ozzy goes and he pleads his case to Coach, of course.
Because honestly, that's about all he can do.
When you're up against a cult, and you don't have any defenses...
... all you can do at THAT point is you go and you kiss ass to the cult leader.
You know Ozzy has to absolutely HATE this though
Their conversation goes about as well as you think it would, of course.
"Anything I can do to save myself, Coach?"
"Ozzy, let me tell you a story."
"Oh, please tell me it's not just another Chuckie jo..."
"There's this guy I know, named Chuckie the Cheese. And one day he walks into a sandwich shop."
*big sigh*
"... and at the register he goes but I didn't order Te Tuna. I ordered Te Turkey."
"It was a misunderstanding about sandwich types."
And okay. Eventually they DO get to talking about strategy.
"I don't wanna go."
"You know?"
"All I can offer is... just... who I am."
Please?
And I have to say. This has got to be an especially sad moment for the once-proud Ozzy.
Where he has stand there.
And he has to grovel to Coach.
I can't believe I'm kneeling before Zod
Although to be fair, Coach actually DOES consider saving Ozzy.
At least, for a couple of seconds.
"Ozzy knows there's a good chance he could get voted out tonight."
"There's a HUGE difference between yesterday, when he held all the cards,
and the cockiness that he had..."
"... and today."
But on the outside, Coach at least appears to consider it.
"I don't want you to leave, man."
"I don't wanna leave, either."
"Boy, this is a quandary."
Coach even admits to us that he actually kinda likes Ozzy when he's like this.
When he's actually been beaten down. When he's actually been humbled a little.
"I actually appreciate Ozzy's humility."
"If it's fate, if it's too late, or if it's just born out of
desperation, that's okay."
"Some of the greatest inspiration is born of desperation."
"The inventor of the fart cushion once said that."
"But at this point, it's too little, too late. He's gone."
And with that, Ozzy cedes control in this game over to the Dragonslayer.
It's over.
"I love you, Ozzy. You were a warrior."
Although we do get this last little moment of poignancy.
"It was a good ride."
"Oh, you're coming back."
"I'm convinced of that."
"Remember, Ozzy. You're coming back."
"I'll try."
"Come on, man."
"You can do it."
I
don't think Coach actually BELIEVES any of this, of course. To me, what
he's doing here is he is simply pandering for jury votes.
But
still, in a season that's lacking in graciousness, it's nice to see
fake graciousness peek its head out every once in a while. I mean, it's
fake. But it's also kind of refreshing.
Even though, of course...
Ozzy knows this is all bullshit
These guys aren't BFFs at all. And they never will be.
There's
some other stuff that happens before the vote too, of course, but none
of it is really important to the story. So I'm just going to skip it
for now.
Instead, let's just skip all the way ahead to
Tribal Council. Cause it's time to send Ozzy's ass right back to
Redemption Island.
OH YEAH! Although before we vote Ozzy out,
I'd be letting you down if I didn't point out this quick little hero
montage he gets right about here. Just in case you were wondering
who "the hero" was in this particular season.
Check this shit out. Ozzy might as well be Ben the American War Veteran here.
*big heroic music stirs behind Ozzy*
"Who knows what will happen in this game? Who really knows?"
The big hero shot again. Hair flowing in the wind. Looking off to the sky.
"I'm never gonna give up, as long as I live."
Staring off at a rainbow
"And I'm certainly not gonna give up here on Survivor."
"I'll never give up."
"Don't give up!" says the majestic rainbow. "Win one for the good guys!"
*eagle screech*
Anyway.
Go Ozzy.
Oh yeah, and right after that, let's go vote his ass out
So we go to Tribal Council.
Where Brandon tries to steer the narrative. To make sure it is all about Cochran.
"That's the theme of this season, Jeff."
"Enough's enough. The smaller people don't have to take it anymore."*
* says literally the smallest person
Ozzy, of course, takes offense to this.
"I don't get it. Did I ever make you feel like you were small?"
"You made me feel small by basing your first several votes against me."
"By trying to get people to vote me out on the basis of my weakness."
And I know Ozzy isn't shown answering this. But I'll answer it for him.
"Um,
Cochran, you WERE weak. There's a REASON I wanted you out. You're on a
show called SURVIVOR, and you're not very strong! That's sort of how
this game WORKS!"
But instead of Ozzy saying that, we just get him rolling his eyes.
Oh Jesus Christ. The superfans have taken over this show.
Thank God we're only on season twenty-three.
And we're not in the Superfan orgy of the forties yet.
There's some other stuff happening here involving Jim, and the necklace, and if he is going to give it to Ozzy.
But I don't really care about any of that.
It doesn't really affect any of Ozzy's story.
"Instead, let's just skip to the vote. You guys wanna do that?"
But my subplot!
"Fuck off, Jim. Cambodia players only."
And then, of course, Ozzy gets to give one final speech right before they all vote him out.
This is actually a pretty good speech. Because he basically lays out how the entire rest of the season is going to go.
"Lemme just throw something out there, guys."
"When I'm at Redemption, I'm not
feeding eleven people anymore."
"I'm only feeding myself."
"I'm gonna be full. I'm gonna be well rested."
"I'm not gonna have to worry about everyone scrambling."
"Pretty soon these numbers will have to change, and you'll only have
yourselves to vote out."
"And when that happens, it's gonna get a little funky."
To which Probst sums it all up, nicely.
"So Ozzy, do you have a message for everybody?"
"My message to you all is, I will be back."
"I will be putting every last ounce of my soul into Redemption."
"I hope to see all of you coming through there."
"I'll make you a nice fish and I'll send you on your way."
"Basically."
You got that, you cult assholes?
And you know, there has never been a better speech to lose a big player on.
So with that, let's say goodbye to Ozzy.
Bye, martyr
I really liked that speech. See ya later, man.
Bye Ozzy. You probably think I can barely lift this paper.
I'M VOTING FOR YOU, ASSHOLE. FUCK OFF.
Maybe if you walked on Coach's back, it would have helped you
If you make your way back, I'll get a tattoo on my face. I swear it before God.
Dead silence
And with that...
Smell ya later, Ozzy
One of the first players in Survivor history to be...
... voted out twice in one season
Well, I guess this is goodbye, my fellow returnee.
Until our paths cross again, my friend.
You know what Ozzy? Fuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuu.
Although again, at least we get to end on a laugh.
"Ha ha! You guys fell for my master plan!"
Ozzy then runs over to the smuffing station.
And for the second time in a week, he gets his torch smuffed.
"Let's try this one more time, Jeff."
"Once again, the Tribe has Spoken."
*smuff*
"And once again, you will have a chance to get back in this game."
"You better believe it!"
And then, as he likes to do, he runs off into the darkness.
Hooray! No more Chuckie Jokes!
And really, that's about it.
We end the episode with one last confessional.
Where Ozzy basically lays out the ENTIRE outline of what's going to happen for the rest of the season.
Okay guys, here's how it's going to go...
As a storyteller, I like that this last part is included. Because it will wind up becoming very prophetic.
In
fact, this last part here (Ozzy's final confessional) is why I say that
South Pacific is really well told, as a structural narrative. You might
not LIKE the story that it tells. But it absolutely tells a full story.
And so few seasons actually tell a full story. And this is why I always
point out to people that South Pacific is really, really special,
especially compared to most other Survivor seasons. Because if you like
full, complete stories, it's one of the rare seasons that actually
HAS one. In fact, it doesn't just have one, it actually has SEVERAL of
them. And that's amazing to me. Most seasons (especially most modern
seasons) don't DO that!
In any case, we'll talk more about South Pacific's storytelling later.
Spoiler alert: Sophie has an AMAZING storyline coming. You just have to look for it.
For now... take it away, Ozzy.
Set us up for the amazing second half of this season.
"I played a really hard, hard game."
"I played and made big moves."
"I'm pretty much proud of what I did."
"I took big risks."
"They didn't work out in my favor, but you gotta take big risks to get
big rewards."
And here comes the important part.
"I'm ready to do really well at Redemption."
"When people come through, I'm gonna treat them really nice."
aka... I'm the guy who's never gonna make a single enemy in this game. I'm going to become the ultimate jury threat.
"I'm gonna treat them nice..."
"... and then I'm gonna send them packing."
And with that...
We start the Big Ozzy Revenge Tour
Oh yeah... and just one last time.
For good measure.
GOD DAMN YOU, JOHN COCHRAN!
In the next chapter, Ozzy
starts winning hearts. And winning challenges. And he starts his big
Mike Holloway comeback. Which could also be called his SECOND big
Hero's Journey of the season, if you want to get into that. Read all about it in "The Fish Bearer."
