1. Coach Finally Masters Survivor

The Funny 115 - The Third One

#1. Coach Finally Masters Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long

It's just about time for episode seven now. Which most people remember as "The Jack and Jill Episode", but in truth is really one of the two most important episodes of the season. In fact, I'd argue it's maybe even THE most important episode of the season (yes, even bigger than the following Cochran episode.) Because had Savaii won this final immunity challenge instead of Upolu, it pretty much changes the entire second half of this game.

For this is the episode where Cult Upolu takes over

This is a really big episode, with really big stakes at play.

It's no wonder Ozzy is so mad when they lose

And here's the fun part about episode seven.

Pretty much EVERY storyline that you remember from South Pacific either comes into play heavily, or is somehow started by this episode.

Hey guys! Coach, God, and I found the idol!!!!

Be a real shame if Brandon ever learned the truth about that...

Muhahaha

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Let's get back to a little more Coach Wade badassery.

Episode seven starts with the Upolus coming back to camp after voting out Mikayla

And of course, Coach striding back into camp, triumphantly.

For he is now the King of Upolu

And back at camp, there's only one topic that everyone on the tribe wants to talk about right now.

It's Brandon

See, I didn't mention it in the last chapter, but Brandon had another outburst at Tribal Council tonight.

Which I believe makes it three Tribal outbursts in a row, for the king of the outburst.

He basically pointed out that Mikayla was going home first, and then Edna

And there wasn't fuck all anyone could do about it

Because this is Upolu. And because Upolu is honest about things.

And that's just the way that things are

Because Brandon came into this game intending to be brutally honest about everything, no matter what, he's starting to worry the rest of the tribe. Because he has a habit of spilling information to people that he probably shouldn't.

Turns out Coach isn't even his real name at all, Stacey. It's actually Benjamin.

Sorry Rick. I talked to Probst, and he says you won't get much of a storyline.

And that's why it's called a nocturnal emission

Hey guys, there are levels of deception going on. I think Edna's Chinese.

Brandon has a really bad habit of blurting out info that he shouldn't be sharing.

And as loyal as he is going to be to the tribe...

It is starting to worry everyone.

Hey buddy, there are inside thoughts, and then there are outside thoughts

Today we're going to work on practicing those inside thoughts

And this is the subject of discussion as the tribe comes back to camp at the start of episode seven.

Edna points out that Brandon scares her. He's just way too unpredictable.

He has these info dumps all the time where he just blurts out everything

She also points out he can be kind of a dick

Rick is ESPECIALLY worried about what happens if Brandon ever meets up with the Savaiis.

Coach reassures Rick that he will able to be control Brandon once they get to the merge.

"Just trust me," says Coach. "I got it. I can control this guy."

But Rick remains skeptical

And this is the big storyline headed into the two biggest episodes of the season.

Is Brandon going to be able to control his outbursts when they meet up with the Savaiis?

And if he can't... what are they going to do about it?

Hey Coach, was it wrong when I told Dawn that Mormons aren't Christians?

And this is where Coach... who as I pointed out in the last chapter, has suddenly become an incredible badass... starts to lay out his plans for young Brandon.

As you can guess, they aren't pretty

Coach and Brandon have an amazing relationship with each other.

"And Chuckie said only eat swiss cheese, for it is the most holey. Amen."

In many ways, they are almost like father and son.

When Coach lets a Hantz literally hold a knife to his back, you know that is saying something

But Coach can tell this has the potential to become an Of Mice and Men situation at the end.

He can already see it.

"If there comes a time where Brandon becomes a liability..."

"Just like old Lennie in Of Mice and Men..."

"There comes a time when you gotta put a bullet in somebody's head."

I've always loved this confessional, by the way. It's so perfect for this particular storyline, and it's so chilling.

It's one of the reasons Coach is maybe the greatest Survivor confessionalist ever.

Brandon thinks we're going to live together in a place of our own in the country

That's a cabin for one, my friend

From here on out, starting in this episode... Brandon's storyline (and maybe even Coach's storyline too), is basically destined for tragedy.

And yea, for this is God's will

However, for the purposes of Coach's story, most of the Of Mice and Men storyline is still a long way down the road.

So let's skip over all of this tragedy for now, and let's get back to the fun stuff.

Because it's almost time for the Sandman, baby!

Bwahahahaha

As we head into the seventh episode, Coach is feeling kind of down in the dumps.

You'd think that he would be happy at this point in the game. What with the fact that he just outplayed Albert and Sophie, and he pretty much took over the tribe. And the fact that he's basically unvoteoffable at the moment, since he's in a six-person tribe, and he is protected by Edna and Brandon. You'd think those are the kinds of things that would make a man like Coach Wade happy.

Oh and also, he remains a celebrity in Honduras

But despite ALL those things, Coach is still feeling a little bit sad this morning.

There are a couple of things that are really troubling him.

The first thing that is troubling him is the upcoming Of Mice and Men scenario with Brandon. He knows that situation probably isn't going to end well for either one of them. But at the same time, he also knows he probably won't be able to avoid it.

And this bothers him.

Coach, why did you stop telling me about the rabbits?

Coach, we're still gonna live off the fat of the land, aren't we?

Coach, what was that click?

Coach, do you think Mikayla is trying to hunt me?

He also can't be thrilled with the fact that it looks like Christine is coming back in the game.

"Christine! Has now won five duels in a row!"

"You are becoming quite the force, aren't you?"

"I've ALWAYS been a legitimate force."

"And also, Coach is a jagoff."

But the more IMMEDIATE concern for Coach is the fact that, as of last night, he may have made enemies with Albert and Sophie.

The two he steamrolled going into the vote yesterday

And the two who aren't very happy with him anymore

Albert and Sophie are the two people he does NOT want to be mad at him at this point in the game. Mainly because they are the two players on this tribe who are both the smartest, and the most dangerous. Not to mention the two most aggressive and the most money-hungry. If any counter-attack were ever to come from Upolu, it is going to be coming through them.

Coach is incredibly close to both of them, and I'm sure he's aware of this

And so this is Coach's dilemma at the start of the seventh episode.

WHAT is he going to do about the fact that the two most dangerous players on the tribe are now feeling isolated?

This isn't a scenario you want headed into a merge, and it scares him.

Here's Coach explaining why last night may have felt like a victory, but it was actually anything but

"This tribe is down in the dumps today."

"We feel that, after the vote last night, we're divided."

Note: He's absolutely correct here. The Mikayla vote is the only time all season where the Upolu Five don't all vote together. Other than the Christine vote in episode two, of course (4-3-1-1), which I'm guessing was caused by them intentionally doing a vote split to get around a possible immunity idol. The Mikayla vote is the only time all season where Coach/Albert/Sophie/Brandon/Rick don't appear to vote as one block.

"We also feel like we blew the last challenge."

He's also correct about that one

At one point, Upolu was way ahead in the coconut slingshot challenge, and they blew it

"At this point, we feel like we've lost."

"What we really need is a shot in the arm right now."

"We need something to boost all our spirits."

And so, really, this is the storyline for the rest of this episode.

How is Upolu going to boost all their spirits today?

The season is all tied up again, six to six. How are they going to claw their way back into the lead?

And more importantly, how are they going to feel like a united little family again?

Coach goes down the waterfront to think about things for a while.

As he is known to do on Survivor.

Hey look guys, today he just throat-punched a minotaur

And on Day Seventeen in South Pacific, ~~Chuckie~~ God finally gives him the answer.

Coach heads down to the beach to correspond with the Almighty

And as usual, this is where the magic happens

Um, hey God. Are you there?

Yeah, I'm here.

Sorry I was late. I was busy fucking with Mat Elrod. It was hilarious.

You're usually here by the second or third kata. I was worried.

Well I just got real busy, 'kay?

And this is where the Almighty One lays down His wisdom.

What should I do about the split in our tribe, O Noble Head in the Sky?

For it has the potential to tear us apart

Okay... what you do is, every day I tell you a new Chuckie joke

You are already doing that, My Lord

Well this one will be more like a riddle

Every day I tell you a new Chuckie riddle, and then you go and you tell it to the tribe

And whoever solves it, that's who you take to the final three

Whoever tries to answer it, but fails, gets burned at the stake

It'll be awesome

What is this, fucking Clash of the Titans? No, I am NOT doing that.

No riddles!

Awwwww, come on. It'll be fun.

No.

What about you make them all roll dice? And you call it "Shot in the Dark"?

I can't. This is only season twenty-three. The show isn't that dumb yet.

Lame. You're so lame.

Whatever happened to the fun, crazy Coach I knew back in Tocantins?

How come I can't get you to do any of this crazy shit anymore?

Because I am good at Survivor now, O Lord

Alright, well then how about this...?

How about you do a fake idol find and make a fool out of Brandon?

That would kinda be fun

Yes! Yes! I can do that!

For you, Lord, I shall make a fool out of Brandon!

Sweet! This is why you're my favorite.

I love you

Not as much as Upolu loves you

You're probably right

And with that, Coach now has the plan in his head of how he is going to bring this tribe back together, and make them feel unity again.

All he has to do is make a fool out of Brandon.

As God pointed out, the solution was right there.

It was SO OBVIOUS.

"The only thing we can do right now is to say look guys, we have the hidden immunity idol."

"Go team!"

"That's what we have to do today."

FOR THINE IS THE GLORY!

*eagle screech*

And with that, God takes His leave from the game for a while.

And goes back to torturing Mat Elrod.

And yea, all was right in the world.

Remember Coach, the power to win lies in your own heart. If you choose to follow the path.

Thank you, Lord. You know I am trying.

And did you hear the one about Chuckie the Cheese and the French gynecologist?

No, Lord. Please tell me the punchline.

Repeat this one to Sophie. She'll probably love it.

I imagine she will

Thanks

Anyway, gotta run. I gotta see if I can get Matty Elrod to bring back the Crusades.

Peace out, brah

Peace out. For you are so wise.

And with that, let's head off to the big fake idol find.

It's time for Upolu to once again all come together for something

Coach explains that there's actually a reason for all this ridiculous subterfuge.

"Right now, only Sophie, Albert and I know that I have the idol."

"But people like Rick and Brandon and Edna wanna find the idol."

"So we gotta pretend like 'Look, we found it!'"

And that's exactly what happens.

"We know where it is, guys. We just have to all work together!"

"It's close to the beach, but it's in the jungle."

"Come on, guys. Let's do it for Chuckie!"

Albert is a little bit skeptical of all this

And Sophie thinks this is the shadiest shit ever

But Coach doesn't seem to mind the ethical implications of all this.

He jumps right into a team prayer.

Come on guys, everyone hold hands. We're gonna pray this bitch out.

"God, please look over us. Please protect our tribe."

"Make this a day of rejuvenation for the six of us."

"Please bless us, Lord, and give us favor in the challenge."

Brandon, of course, is WAY into this

"Father, we need a victory today."

"I ask that you give us a victory in the next challenge."

"And I ask that we're gonna find this idol, Father God."

"In Jesus's name, Amen."

I should point out, of course, that not EVERYONE is really into the whole "tribe prayer" thing. And I'd even make the argument that Coach only does it because he knows it's important to Brandon. Because this is the stuff you have to do if you want to ensure that Brandon will always stay loyal to you.

Dear God, I'd also like a fire truck and some fidget poppers for Christmas. I've been real good.

I mean, it's not like we see Coach leading tribe prayers in any other season.

Could you imagine him trying to do this in any other tribe?

Hey Tyson, think we could have a nice little prayer today?

It'd be a lot funnier if you just sucked your own dick

Fair enough. Never mind.

Hey Randy, think we could have a little pra...

... never mind.

In any case, they finish their little prayer on Upolu.

Sophie, stop giggling. We're all taking this seriously.

And with that, they all scatter out to go find the hidden immunity idol.

If you guys need me to anesthetize something, I can

Guys, this tree's legs are spread and it is trying to tempt me

And in the middle of the hunt, here comes one of my very favorite scenes of the season.

Where Coach and Sophie go off together, and they check tree mail

I mean, seriously, how could you not love South Pacific when there are moments like this?

Hey look Sophie. We've got tree mail.

"This next challenge is all about trust. Show your teammates you trust them."

"It's all about trust and family and twins."

And oh my god, how perfect. "Trust" and "Family" are literally the two words Coach has been trying to assign to Upolu.

This is literally the exact strategy he has been using all season

It's like the producers are intentionally trying to bait him.

Trust and family! This is our day!

And if that wasn't fun enough, check out how the producers try to goad the big guy even further.

"Hey look, there's something else in here too. Body paint."

And here comes their further instruction.

"Today your tribe will paint your faces and bodies."

"As well as adorn yourself in your best warrior look."

I GET TO ADORN MYSELF IN MY BEST WARRIOR LOOK?!?!

This is literally the single greatest day in his life!

In any case, I just love how this challenge is PERFECTLY designed for Coach. Right down to the wording in the treemail.

It says don't be scared to go big and over the top with it

Hey Coach, you get to put on your little black dress

This is the point in the season where Coach actually jizzes himself

Swear to god, this has got to be the single greatest day in Coach's Survivor career.

It's like they designed a challenge specifically for him.

And on the day Upolu has to win immunity, too.

It's like fate

And with that, Coach is now energized and ready for today's big immunity showdown.

"What we need to do is... make a quick detour on the way back to camp."

"Grab the idol."

"And then I can go back and put on my warrior mumu."

"And we'll just say, hey guys, look we just found the idol."

"I guess this is our day."

Wow, I guess God's really gonna come through for us today, isn't he?

That's right, Sophie. He is.

And did I tell you the one about Chuckie and the French gynecologist?

Oh dear god, please don't

... and then Chuckie goes, "I didn't say deez nuts. I was saying dix-neuf."

And just like that, today now becomes the single happiest day for Upolu.

"Hey Upolu, gather round. We've got some good news!"

Because as Dave Ball once prophetically said...

"The Lord frickin' provides."

"We found the idol!" Coach and Sophie announce

Brandon's so happy about this, he almost starts crying

"We found it! This is so beautiful!"

Brandon then goes and loudly announces it to the rest of the tribe.

"Everybody gather round. WE DID IT!!!!"

"Look what we got, Albert. WE GOT IT!!!"

"Look what God has revealed to us!"

And just like that, they now have the boost they need to all feel like a family again.

Coach's ~~God's~~ plan actually worked like a charm.

The Upolus are totally united again

WE DID IT!!!!!!!

Brandon even explains what a miracle this was in a confessional.

"We actually said a prayer. Asked for God's help in finding the idol."

"Not only did they get tree mail, we found the idol."

"Not even five minutes after we got done praying."

"It's definitely an advantage having the big guy upstairs on your tribe."

Loves Upolu

"Pray together, stay together!"

"Awesome, brother!"

And now all that's left is for Upolu to go and kick Savaii's ass for immunity.

Are you guys ready to compete in the final team immunity challenge today?

Yes, I am

Yes, I am. But even more so.

Eat shit, Coach. I'm Ozzy.

Yes but Ozzy doesn't have the Lord on his side. Only I do.

Are you all dressed in your finest warrior attire?

Sure

Yeah. I mean, kinda.

And this is where Probst explains what they'll be playing for.

"The winner of this challenge will have a one member advantage in this game."

"This is big."

You're telling me it is

This one is for everything

"In addition..."

"The winning tribe gets to watch an amazing movie."

"It's the true story of Chuck E. Cheese, and his amazing pizza empire"

Unnnh

"Just kidding, it's fucking Jack and Jill."

Ha ha. We love mindless comedy.

"And if you pretend to like the movie, we'll even let you eat candy."

Yes! Candy!

"As I say in my favorite catchphrase, this truly is a reward that will fix wishin'."

"Worth playing for?"

They agree that yes, it is indeed worth playing for.

And with that, the challenge is on.

This is one of those challenges where the players are blindfolded...

And the callers try to lead them through a big huge obstacle course

Naturally, on Upolu the primary caller is Coach

"I'M TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO WITH MY EYES!"

"TRY TO LISTEN TO MY EYES!"

It's an intense challenge.

Like pretty much every team challenge in South Pacific, it is exceptionally close.

Savaii in the lead

Now Upolu in the lead

Savaii back in the lead again

Edna, stop exposing my buttcrack!

"This challenge is neck and neck!"

But at the end of the challenge...

Cochran fucks up one of the rope clips for Savaii

Sorry guys, I can't get it!

And that's all the advantage Upolu needs to sneak in and steal a win.

COCHRAN'S A SPAZ, YOU GUYS! WE GOT THIS!

Albert and Sophie get to the puzzle first at the end.

Come on, Soph. We gotta do it for Chuckie.

And just like that, Upolu pulls off the single most important win of the season.

We got this, you guys.

Sophie makes a last minute adjustment on the masks

Wait for it...

Done

"Upolu! Wins immunity, and takes a six to five lead!"

Yes!!

And in one of my favorite little visuals of the season...

Albert and Sophie are SO excited that they just won immunity...

They totally whiff on the hug

And this is where both tribes completely erupt.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!!

NO!!!!!!!, Ozzy screams

Fuck!!!!!!!!

And of course, because God was the main contributor to their victories today, Coach makes sure that everyone acknowledges that.

"On your knees! ON YOUR KNEES! ON YOUR KNEES!"

Coach gets them all to bow down in tribute

"In Jesus's name, we thank you. Amen!"

DAMNIT! WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS GOD SHIT?!

WE'VE GOT JACK AND JILL AND GOD TONIGHT, BABY!!!!! WOO HOO!!

And well, that's it.

Upolu wins, and Savaii loses. In the final immunity challenge.

Which means the Upolus are probably going to take over the game.

And that means that it's time for some wall-kicking

For retaliation. Basically.

After the challenge, Probst gets Upolu to weigh in on how much this victory meant to them.

How big a win was this for you guys, really?

And this is where Coach gets to bask in what is clearly one of the happiest days of his life.

"This challenge was about family, hidden trust, some blindfolds."

"But we give God the glory."

Aw shucks, it was nothing

"We prayed before the challenge, during the challenge."

"We'll have enforced, mandatory prayer after the challenge."

"And we gave thanks and knelt down for Him as soon as we won."

"We are a family, Jeff."

"We're Upolu."

"This is a great group of people that we're playing with."

"That's really nice."

"As my friend Chuckie would say, we just had to go out there and cheese the day."

"Well the advantage now goes to Upolu."

"You'll have a one member advantage in the game now."

Yes! For Savaii shall bow down before us!

"In addition..."

"You get to watch a really shitty movie tonight."

Yay! We love shitty movies!

USA Today once said "This movie made me feel like I was having a rectal insertion."

This is the movie that killed Roger Ebert

It's sort of like Happy Gilmore, but with a hundred more nut shots

Jack and Jill tonight, guys. Because we are contractually mandated.

"The Sandman, baby! I love it!"

"I've got four adult tickets for you guys, and then also two child tickets for Brandon and Edna."

Yay! My little slayer pals!

Come get these before I scalp them to some Survivor collector for a million dollars

You just won the Wonka Golden Ticket, my friends. Enjoy.

Hooray! We get to eat candy!

And the rest of the episode is the Upolus enjoying that sweet, sweet subtle Adam Sandler comedy.

I HIT THING WITH MY PEENER! DON'T RESPECT FART THOUGH!

Although I can't resist pointing out that Coach is actually a gentleman to the Savaiis at the end of the challenge.

He is actually trying his best.

He at least flashes them a thumbs up on the way out of the challenge arena.

Good luck at Tribal, you guys. You guys were warriors today.

He disgusts me

I wish I could watch shitty movies tonight

We would be winning this game if Cochran didn't suck so bad

Whatever. No Adam Sandler. This is crap.

But enough about Savaii. We'll talk about them much more when we get to the Ozzy chapters.

For now, let's just say that... just like Upolu... they have a big night ahead of them, too...

See ya later, porn god

*smuff*

But again, forget about Savaii for now.

Instead, let's just finish off this episode with Upolu.

And one big massive, joyous celebration of the Sandman.