The Funny 115 - The Third One




#1. Coach Finally Masters Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long



Okay and now here we are in South Pacific episode eight. The big merge episode. Which I would argue is not only the most interesting episode of the season, but is really one of the most fascinating Survivor episodes of all time. There is a LOT going on in this particular episode.

Cochran, you and I are actually very similar

I can tell that you also love adventure sport kayaking

And that you have made love to beautiful women all over the globe

Wow, it's like you can see right into my heart!



What's especially fun about this episode is that I'm going to go through it three different times in this writeup. And it is going to look COMPLETELY different all three times. Depending on whether you're looking at it through Coach's eyes...

I can't believe what I just did. That was awesome.



Or Ozzy's eyes...

That was the single most cowardly thing I have ever seen. You are absolutely dead to me, nerd.



Or Sophie's eyes...

For a Harvard guy, I can't believe how fucking stupid you are



And, of course, this chapter is going to be the merge episode...

As seen through the eyes of the Dragon Slayer.



And so here we go.

Unbeknownst to the Upolu tribe, but of course knownst to us...

Ozzy was voted out last night on Savaii

In an attempt to stop Christine from returning to the game



And Savaii's plan is going to work pretty well, actually.

Because now Christine is screwed



And this is where Upolu gets a bit of a surprise at the start of episode eight.

Because they show up to Redemption Arena on the morning of day nineteen

And it turns out Ozzy is there

Wait, what?

Well, this is odd

I can't believe they voted out that camo porn guy!





I guess I'm not the one who was a "temporary player"



The entire Upolu tribe has actually come to watch this duel, because this is going to be the final one.

Whoever wins today's duel is coming back in the game.

And that's why everyone is here

On both tribes



Now obviously, this is the famous scene where Ozzy tries to put on a big acting show for everyone. And it turns out he's even a worse actor than Kristen Stewart.












I already covered Ozzy's Oscar-winning performance in an earlier entry, so if you want to read about a thespian at the top of his craft, go read that one. It's a fun one.

For now, we'll just skip over the acting part, and we'll get to the outcome.

JONATHAN POINDEXTER COCHRAN, I HATE YOU SO BAD!

Guys, help me. I is scared.

Whatever. Don't make me laugh.

Ha ha, fuck this shit. It is terrible.

I am a baseball, and even I can see through this

OMG, WHY WOULD COCHRAN DO THAT TO OZZY?!?



Ozzy's plan to trick the Upolus is going to ultimately fail.

Because as Ozzy learns, just like General Sarris once learned...





The star of the movie 180 is immediately onto him



In any case, Ozzy winds up winning the duel pretty easily.




Just like everyone knew he would.

And like the producer of the show was not-so-secretly hoping for



And just like that, Ozzy is back in the game.

My return, basically



And Christine has been cruelly eliminated from the game.

One challenge win away from redemption.

DAMNIT. I WAS SO CLOSE.



And Cochran is still trying to pretend like this makes him so sad.





Selling the drama

Yeah whatever, I don't think so

Yeah whatever, I don't think so

Yeah whatever, I don't think so

God will never forgive you for what you did to Ozzy, John Cochran



Author's note: Obviously the big question at this point in the writeup is... did Savaii even need to do this at all? I mean, it's not like Christine was ever going to team up with Coach again, right? Wouldn't she have just worked with the Savaiis at the merge instead? If this were a strategy writeup instead of a comedy writeup, obviously I'd try to delve into that. But this isn't a strategy writeup. And to be honest, I don't really even care about strategy. So for purposes of his chapter, I am just going to ignore it.

For now, all we really care about is that Ozzy is now back in the game

The king has returned to his throne



And we also know that Coach probably just got very, very lucky.

Because now he'll never have to deal with the Christine variable



And with that, the two tribes are now officially merged.

Better watch out, Upolu. I'm back.

Better watch out everybody. He's back.



Probst throws Cochran a bag of new buffs.

The one pound force of which almost knocks him over



And the Upolus and Savaiis finally get a chance to meet up.

I really like the way you caught those buffs, nice work

Hi, I'm Brandon. Mikayla tried to seduce me with her lady parts.

Hey, I'm Coach. I bet you can feel how much I can bench.



And then here comes the interaction that's the most important to our storyline...

When Coach finally gets to meet Cochran

"I know you are lying about everything. Let's chat."



Coach meeting Cochran for the first time is an incredibly important moment in our season.

And even better, there is also something that's incredibly fun that about that particular picture.

Just for fun... let's zoom in on that first handshake between Coach and Cochran a little bit...

No, not this part. The other part.



Why are we zooming in on this particular handshake?

Well it's pretty obvious when you notice it.

It's because Coach has only known Cochran for about two seconds...

And in that two seconds of interaction, Coach is literally already strong-arming him

We're Upolu and we're amazing, John. Don't fuck with us.



And so here we go. Get ready for one of the most memorable second halves of a Survivor season, ever.

It all starts the moment Coach squeezes the shit out of Cochran's right arm.

    

So the Te Tunas* all arrive back at camp


* Italian for "The Tunas"

And they sit down and they have a big merge feast

And Albert points his butt directly at the camera

And they all make a toast to the next stage of the game

To the next step!



And this is where Coach and Cochran finally get a chance to sit down and start talking.

"So, Cochran. How are you feeling after last night, man?"

"That must have been a real number you did on Ozzy. He absolutely hates you."

"Yeah, well you know. I did what I could. But last night was horrible."

"I feel better today."

"Today has been like a rebirth. I feel like I'm starting anew."



And Coach, of course, just shoots him a look, like...

Don't lie to me, asshole. Do you know who you're talking to?

I pretty much INVENTED lying about my backstory



But for now, Coach just decides to be diplomatic about it.

"Yep, well this is where the real game begins."



And thus begins the process of Coach charming Cochran.

"I want to tell you about a friend of mine. He's this mouse named Chuckie the Cheese."

"And this guy is frigging incredible."



And because Cochran is a smart guy, who is funny, and has a great sense of humor, the two of them immediately connect.

"... and so Chuckie goes, yeah I absolutely know the difference between a good and a great lawyer."

"A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge."



And from here on out, Cochran finally found someone he enjoys spending time with.

For the first time in nineteen days, he is actually bonding with someone



And Coach has already figured something out about this new relationship as well.

Fist bump, little buddy?



It's entirely possible that he can make a Coachling out of this young one as well.

Just like he once did with Brandon.

To us. And to the power of Chuckie.



Now obviously, this merge episode is an incredibly convoluted episode. Where people are talking to people they have never spoken to before. And everyone is cutting deals. And everyone is telling half-truths, and stories, and lying. And everyone is now jockeying for position.

And where the two returning players are, of course, mostly focused on each other



But for the purposes of this chapter, we are only going to focus on Cochran and Coach, and the Upolus.

Because this is the fun one



So obviously, everyone is cutting deals with everyone with this point in the game.

And Cochran is doing the one thing that HE is supposed to do, and that is infiltrate the Upolus.

Because lest we forget... going into this episode, Cochran only had one thing he was supposed to accomplish today.

I'm a double agent. I'm working with Savaii, but I'm pretending to be friends with Upolu.

I have to get the Upolus to trust me



And so here comes the incredible scene that everyone tends to remember about this season.

This is where Coach takes Cochran's "double agent mission", and he suddenly reverses it and throws it right back in his face. Thus instantly charming him.

This scene is literally like watching a snake charmer

Dragon slayed



I'm going to make lots of jokes about it as we go along, of course. But all kidding aside, this is probably the single greatest Coach scene of all time.

He is absolutely incredible in this.

So Cochran sits down with Coach, and he tries to trick Coach into thinking he has joined them



And Coach sees right through this facade, the moment it starts.

Cochran starts complaining about the way the Savaiis have treated him

"They were always horrible to me."

Cochran is especially angry at Ozzy and Keith

"They are constantly ostracizing me for my performance in challenges."

"After that last challenge, they just erupted at me."



This last one is a hundred percent true. Coach has actually seen it himself.

The Savaiis really DID erupt at Cochran at the end of that final immunity challenge.

DAMNIT, COCHRAN! WHY?!?





WHY DID YOUR PARENTS MAKE YOU SO TERRIBLE?

"I mean, they already hated me before, but now they just..."

"I'm wondering if I'm working with the right people right now."



And this is where the Slayer shows off how incredibly perceptive he is.




Because keep in mind... Cochran IS telling Coach the truth. At least, partially. And Coach can sense that. He knows this kid really has felt out of place among the bigger, buffer, more hardbody members of Savaii.

Cochran is never going to fit in with a team like Savaii

Coach has already deduced this



And here is what's so important about this scene, and the way that Coach pulls it off.

Coach KNOWS that Cochran is one hundred percent full of shit about his intentions. He just knows this.

Remember, Coach does have some experience with a polygraph



But he also knows that Cochran is being one hundred percent honest about the way he has never fit in with his tribe.

Deep down, he has already figured out that Cochran is just some lonely young kid. Who has never fit in.

True, he might be lying about what he is trying to do right now

But there is always some truth at the heart of a lie

And Coach (more so than anyone) is definitely aware of this



And here is the variable that I think needs to be pointed out very specifically.

Because this is incredibly important.

Remember, Coach is a guy WHO COACHES YOUTH SPORTS FOR A LIVING

THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT HE DOES



If there is ONE player in Survivor history who can pick out the lonely young kid who needs a little help to feel like he is a part of a team...

... it's Coach



And so here comes Coach taking the bullcrap that Cochran just shoveled onto him, and completely flipping it around, and turning it into a huge motivational speech.

They should show this scene in psychology class.

It's just masterful.

"Here's the thing. I'm gonna tell you right now."

"Our tribe isn't budging."









"And I feel like you guys are trying to play us."





"You guys came up with a story."

"You guys sent Ozzy to Redemption."

"You've got an idol in your pocket."








"It was a risk."

"But you knew Ozzy would win Redemption."



At this point, Cochran is either impressed, or he's just totally creeped out. Because Coach has nailed every single detail of this.




Wow, and I thought this guy just threw things underhand at tiles



And now here comes the strongarm.




"We will not bend."




"We will vote six strong."




"And if all six Savaiis vote together? There's a one in five chance you'll be drawing a black rock."








"You think you got the balls for that?"




"You'll have a one in five chance of going home, and so will I."




"And that's a bullshit way to play the game."







And you know how Coach just decided to play "bad cop"?

Well now he decides to switch it up, and he switches over to being "good cop" instead.

This is a classic police interrogation technique.

Only instead of two guys doing it... in this case, it's just one.




"And I'm gonna tell you, whether or not those people have really treated you like that?"








"Whether they have or not..."




"Let's say they treated you like gold."

"I KNOW what those kind of people think about people with intellect."







Author's note, specifically to Coach: From one writer to another, that is a great line.




"I know what it's like."




"I've been made fun of my whole life, dude."

"That guy on the Funny 115 ripped me a new asshole a hundred different ways to Sunday."








"I might be the Dragonslayer now... but I know what it feels like."

"To be superior in one way... to people..."




"And they know it."

"So they find ways that you're inferior to cut you down."








"I know what that feels like, man."




"I know what it feels like."



And at this point, you can practically see a little ginger tear come rolling out of his eye.







And thus ends maybe the single greatest speech we are ever going to see on Survivor.

"What I learned today was that Coach is an incredibly intelligent guy."

"I've always viewed him as some eccentric Dragon Slayer who talks about wizards and, you know, King Arthur."

"But he's a smart guy."



Coach even takes the time to bust out his smartest Chuckie the Cheese jokes.

The ones he has been saving specifically for Cochran.

"... so the Dalai Lama comes in and asks for a pizza."

"And Chuckie says okay. I'll just make you one with everything."





"... and then Chuckie goes, you're looking at me like you dropped a fire precedent in moot court, and I'm trying to rely on a policy argument."





"So Chuckie gets busted for taking his own samples from a sperm bank."

"And the judge goes wow, in more ways than one, this is a seminal case."




And now that Cochran has been sufficiently charmed, that means that it's time for the pitch.




"You have a chance to change the game for yourself, Cochran."



With that, he draws a line in the sand.

Because this is Coach, it is pretty much the greatest line ever

Holy shit. That's a great line.

"Come across that line."




"Pretend that I'm Lucky Day, and you want to join the Amigos."




"Step over that line."




And from here on out, Cochran has been officially invited into the Cult of Upolu.

"Join us, John Cochran."

"Be the wisecracking NPC bootblack."

"Joinnnnnnn us."



And for the entire rest of this episode... Cochran starts to seriously consider it.

"Coach laid it all on the table for me."

"I can draw rocks at the next Tribal Council. Or I can completely jump ship."

"And I am seriously considering that."

"Betray my old tribe, and join Upolu."



And here is the amazing thing about that whole scene.

Cochran went into that conversation intending to screw Coach over, and somehow outwit all the members of Upolu.

Yes, even Rick



But at some point along the way, Coach started treating him with empathy. And with respect.

In a way that Cochran has never experienced before in this game.

COCHRAN, I AM GOING TO FEED YOU TO MY TARANTULA!



And I have no idea how he did it, but Coach somehow converted him.

For the entire rest of the game, Cochran is now essentially an Upolu



I honestly think it only happened because Cochran was so surprised that Coach wasn't a huge joke.

"He does tell a lot of jokes about pizza, though."

"I'm not sure how I feel about that. It feels like a bit of an overkill."

"I've been warned that there are also Halloween jokes."



And this is where Cochran goes out, and he starts hanging out with the Upolus instead of the Savaiis.




"I've never known so much about Chuckie the Cheese before."

"I feel like my eyes have suddenly been opened."



And they do the one thing that Upolu will ALWAYS be able to rally around.

They all stand around and they make fun of Ozzy
















"And that acting thing at the duel. That was totally ridiculous."



And here comes one of my favorite little exchanges of the season...




To which Sophie correctly points out...




And it is pretty obvious that Cochran fits in better here than he ever came close to fitting in on Savaii.

Because the Upolus are all smart and funny and snarky just like he is



Remember that scene way back on night one on Upolu?

Remember that this alliance only came together in the first place...





Because they were the funny ones



So anyway, Cochran is basically a member of Upolu at this point. For the first time all game, he is finally among his own people.

Although he does have some last minute hesitation that... maybe this isn't such a great strategy.








To which the Upolus assure him, of course not, honey. We all totally respect you.

"If the writing on the wall is that you're not in their inner circle, it's not disloyal."

"Yeah, this is a really great idea for you."

"They've made it pretty obvious they have no use for you."

Coach tries to get Cochran to flip, using his eyes

"You're not ditching your tribe. You're just looking out for yourself."

"I AM looking out for myself."

"Just like when I stopped following Ozzy on Twitter, because I was tired of seeing his dong."



And this is where the plan goes into action to make sure Cochran turns on the Savaiis.

Please note that although Coach clearly started it, and Coach will get all the credit for it in the narrative, it's pretty clear the entire Upolu alliance is working together on this. It quickly becomes a big team effort to make promises to Cochran.

"So Cochran, who over there is giving you the most trouble?"

"Who would you be happiest if they left?"

"It's Whitney, isn't it? Is Whitney trying to tempt you?"

"Well actually, it's Keith. Keith has been the most consistently rude to me."

"Well over here, you'll be completely protected from any of them."

I can protect you, Cochran. For I am the sane one.



And this is where the Savaiis start to notice that...

Oh shit.

Cochran is spending a LOT of time with the Upolus right now.

If he spends two more minutes with Edna, I'm gonna slap him

Hey, you're still with us. Right, buddy?

Coch ring?

He's even slumping his shoulders and trying to walk more like Sophie. This is terrible.



Savaii is just starting to get an inkling of what is happening around here.

They're just starting to realize they're about to get hit by a wave.

"This pre-emptively disgusts me!"



And then we get one final confessional from Cochran, where he explains why he'll flip.

"There are a lot of downsides to jumping ship."

"But I do believe that the Upolu members are super solid."

"Completely honest, and trustworthy."




And this is where it appears that Cochran has been seduced by the power.

"I'm finally in control of my fate for the first time all game."

"It's a little bit surreal, but also kind of a little bit exciting."

"I am the person who gets to decide how Survivor: South Pacific takes shape."



And this is why, thanks to Coach and the Upolus being awesome, he shall now forever go down in history as...

 The Savaii Slayer



And with that, we head into the immunity challenge.

Come on in, guys!





"Today, there are two immunity necklaces."

"One for Ozzy, one for Coach."

"Errr, Freudian slip. I mean, one for a man, one for a woman."

"In this one, you'll be holding up a coconut for as long as you can"

"Because every challenge this season features a coconut, we just figured... hey here's another one."

"You guys ready to compete?"



And the challenge is on.

The Hero Cam

The Hero Cam

The Everyone Else Cam



In any case, immunity today is going to go to...

Ozzy, naturally. Because Ozzy wins everything.

And Dawn



And with two Savaiis being immune at the vote tonight, this leads us up to our final betrayal.

It's time for Cochran to officially turn on his tribe.




The last few hours of leadup to the vote are basically everyone in the game scrambling to convince Cochran to vote with their side. Because everyone knows that he's the one with the potential to flip.

Day 21 - Savaii's last happy day in the game



First, the Savaiis meet up to go over their plan.

"It's going to be six to six tonight," Ozzy reminds them. "We have to be strong."

"I'll ask one more time. Everybody is solid? Yes?"












Meanwhile, Upolu gets together because they haven't had a prayer circle in at least three hours, and Brandon was starting to get twitchy.

"Dear God, make Savaii a bird."

"So they can fly far, far away from here."



And they also start working their magic on Cochran.

Because again, without him flipping, it looks like everyone will be pulling rocks tonight.

And nobody wants that.

Sophie goes over and tries to reason with him

"You're sixth place over there. On our tribe, you're probably in the final four."

She also listens as Cochran happily gives away Savaii's plan at the vote

"They're all gonna vote for Rick tonight."

"At the last second, Ozzy's gonna stand up. Give the hidden immunity idol to Whitney."

"Three of them are going to be immune. You guys have to vote for either Jim or Keith."

Got it. Thanks.

"I hope your tribe protects me after tonight."

Of course we will. Trust me.

"Because I do think your offer of a handful of magic beans for my last remaining cow is quite reasonable."

We're only looking out for you




"I know the fallout after the vote tonight is gonna be huge."

"But I just imagine this grand future being a part of Upolu."

Yeah it's gonna be so amazing for us



Cochran then goes to Coach, to make sure he's not gonna get beat up tonight after he flips.

And Coach once again offers this troubled child guidance and wisdom

"God, they're gonna tear me apart tonight, Coach."

"They're gonna eat me alive."

What he imagines Savaii is going to do to him



And the king of all motivational speakers once again gives him the courage.

"No, they're not gonna eat you alive. I think you're gonna eat THEM alive."

Savaii, eat shit.
Signed, Coach Wade

Remember, be the goofy NPC bootblack, John

Be the goofy NPC bootblack



And this is where Cochran literally asks them to provide him with protection.

"Where am I sleeping tonight?"

"You're sleeping right between me and Edna."

"Tonight, my friend... Edna shall guard you."

"You'll have the tiniest of Asian women protecting you. You should be quite safe."



And really, the rest of the episode is the Upolus all individually bonding with Cochran.

And trying to make some sort of a connection with him.

"... and that's why the John Deere 5042 D PowerPro is the superior model."

"The PowerPro is also where you get your quality parts."

Here, Cochran and Brandon talk about their shared experiences in Ivy League law schools




"Yes, I am a dating coach. And here's a dating tip for you, Cochran. Go outside."




"Don't worry, little guy," says Edna, "I'll protect you."



And this is where Coach gives his final confessional, leading up to the vote.

Oh, and for purposes of history, I'd like to point out that Cochran never once says he was bullied by Savaii. He just says that he never fit in. Coach is the one, in this confessional, who now officially spins it into a bully narrative. And the show is gonna run with that storyline afterwards, just because Coach is so good at driving the narrative.

Just thought I should point that out, because Cochran has mentioned it in interviews.

Anyway, here is Coach's big speech.

"Things look grim right now. They look dismal."

"We really don't have any choice right now but to trust in Cochran, because the odds are NOT in our favor."



Note: He's absolutely correct here. Three Savaiis are going to be immune tonight (Ozzy, Dawn, and Whitney) and there's only one possible immunity (Coach's idol) floating around for Upolu. So if the players were to draw rocks tonight, game theory easily favors the Savaiis. If Cochran doesn't flip on his tribe tonight, Upolu's in trouble.

"I've done everything that I could."

"I've gotten Cochran on our side, to play the rest of this game."

"I've convinced him that he will be valued and loved over here."

"I've convinced Cochran that he will be the man of the match."

"That the weak will finally become strong."

"That the nerd will finally rise up to the bully. And give him a bully beatdown."



And at this point, all that's left is for Cochran to officially make his decision.

Luckily for Coach and the Upolus, he decides that he'll be joining the good guys.

"Even if the rock odds are one in thirty, I wouldn't want to do it."

"That's not reassuring to me. That's not what this game is about."

"I love this game. I respect this game. But I don't respect reducing my game to a game of chance."

"And pulling a rock out of a bag."

"That's not Survivor."



Cochran goes and tells his one friend on Savaii that he is joining the Upolus.

It's over, Dawn. I am part of the prayer circle now.

Oh, fartburgers



And luckily, Dawn can't beat the crap out of him, because here comes his bodyguard.

"Hey Cochran, is Dawn bothering you? Want I should rough her up?"

Oh shit, it's Edna. Stay calm.



To be fair, Cochran is waffling pretty much up until the moment of the vote.

But he has confidence, knowing that a tiny older Asian woman will be watching his back



And with that, Upolu holds their thirty-fifth prayer circle of the day one final prayer circle.




Dear God, please smite all the Savaiis




And let Cochran get his hands on a 5042 D PowerPro. It really is a quality machine.


Amen

And now we head off to the most important Tribal Council of the game.




It's time for Cochran to make a bunch of new enemies
At Tribal, naturally the two big stars of the game make an acknowledgment of each other.

Just like they always do.




May the best man win tonight, fellow warrior. To us.




It's gonna get real. To us.



And Cochran points out how it's inevitable that the vote tonight is going to rocks.




"I've never seen two tribes that seem so entirely cohesive, in their own separate ways."




"That's amazing."




"What are the odds that you would have two tribes THIS unified?"




"I don't know. I don't do odds. I do Survivor."




Uh oh



And then right before they get to the vote...

Cochran looks up at Coach one final time, and he begs for some wisdom.




Coach, help. What should I do?



Coach simply winks at him.




 Be the kid who rings the bell in town in case of a fire. Be that kid.




Wait, I thought I was supposed to be the NPC bootblack




Just ask yourself, what would Chuckie do here?




I should provide high quality pizza at an affordable price?

Just fucking vote with us, you dick



And then here comes the big moment of truth.




Where Cochran officially flips



And never let it be said that Coach isn't a showman.




Sorry, Keith








I guess you've been slayed



Oh yeah, and P.S....




*lick*



And really, that's pretty much the end of the game for Savaii.




"Bye Keith. John Cochran has spoken."




Are you fucking kidding me?




Whaaaat? That doesn't make any logical sense at ALL!



 And here comes the reaction that Cochran was expecting.




Oh my god you little fuck. I hope you like wedgies.


Cochran, you do the opposite of impress me








Who said you could look at me, nerd?




That's the last time you're ever getting medical marijuana



Cochran tries to explain.

But the Savaiis aren't having it.











And with that, Keith is now out of the game.




*smuff*



And as for the Upolus....?

Well, they can't even hide how giddy they are over this.




Ha ha ha ha ha, that's funny




Smell ya later, Savaii. I'm so sorry for you.




"THAT'S what you get for talking to people like that in the FIRST place!"




YEAHHHHHH! DRAGON SLAAAAAAYER!




Cochran, you've done well, my son. You've done well.




Yeah? I did good?



And then here come the two most important reaction shots.




When you know that you just won Survivor




When you know you just lost Survivor to Coach



And really, all that's left at this point is the aftermath.




Don't worry, little man, we'll protect you tonight




Ozzy and Jim aren't going to be able to beat you up




Promise?




Yeah because don't forget. You've got God on your side now.









And even better than God... you've got Edna




Let me at 'em!



And you can honestly just fast forward through the next few episodes of the season.

Because we're about to encounter what is known in Survivor as... "a Pagonging."




PaGONNNNNNNNNNG











Up next... Savaii is quickly flushed down the toilet

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