The Funny 115 - The Third One

Ozzy Chapter 9 - The Fish Bearer



#1. Ozzy Outwits Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long


Ozzy's tale of redemption - which will one day go down as one of the single great comebacks in Survivor history - begins the way that many of the great stories in mythology began.




It begins with a big-ass fish



That's right. If you truly want to appreciate the legend of Ozzy... and The Hero's Journey of all Hero's Journeys...

If you TRULY want to appreciate Ozzy's big heroic comeback in South Pacific...




You have to appreciate the fact that it starts in the water




It literally begins in the name of the season... in "The South Pacific."



Because, as we learned just a couple of seasons ago, in Cook Islands...







... Ozzy's pretty good in the water.




Like OceanGate, but uncrackable



By the way, if you don't believe me, just look at this piece of evidence I unearthed on Reddit a couple of years ago.

Which proves how good Ozzy actually is in the water.




See? Proof.



So anyway, the Cult of Upolu dickheads have voted Ozzy out of the game now.

And they've sent him out to live on Redemption Island. To be exiled in shame.




For the second time this season



Which they have to realize, of course...




Isn't really a punishment. It just plays right to his strengths.



Because as everyone else in the game is back at camp now...

And they're all arguing, and scheming, and stressing about things...




"You guys gotta turn on Coach. He's unbeatable!"




Hmm. Maybe we should.




"Or maybe vote out Cochran. That kid is a turd."




Um no, don't do that



As everyone at camp is draining valuable mental energy right now over how complicated this game is.

Over how stressful it all is.




"I am NOT the leader of this tribe. That accusation is BULLSHIT!"




"The only true leader is Chucky. And Chucky's the MAN!"




"I never once was a bully! Why do people keep calling me a bully?!"




"It's hard to take. I'm not a bad person."




*sobs*



As everyone else is fighting back at camp, and using up valuable energy.




Ozzy's out here on Redemption, doing nothing. Just chillin' like a villain.



Oh, and also...




Playing the world's smallest violin that everyone else is so mad



And that's why I said, back at the start of this chapter.

Ozzy's big comeback? One of the greatest comeback stories in Survivor history?




It all begins with a fish



Care to explain this to us, Ozzy?




"This season has changed me. Because I don't want small wins any more."




"Now I just want the big one."




"Now all I want is the title of Sole Survivor."




"All I'm after now... is the BIIIIIG fish."



So just what is his plan here?




"My plan now is feed 'em and defeat 'em."




"I wish I was in the game. But I'm just as excited to be here, too."




"Because they're not getting half as much food as I'm gonna be getting."




"Remember, Michael Phelps said I'm an even better swimmer than he is."




"I'm gonna use that little fact to my advantage."




"I'm gonna catch a shitload of fish."



And just what is "Feed 'em and defeat 'em"?




"Well, when someone arrives here, I'm gonna feed 'em. Then I'm gonna defeat 'em."







"Not sure why I had to explain that. It seems self-explanatory."



Fine.

So anyway, that's what Ozzy does. For the rest of the game.

When someone new arrives here on Redemption Island, he feeds 'em. 







And then he defeats 'em.






And then afterwards, they all wish him luck.

And they all promise him their jury vote.











It all goes exactly as planned.




Oz the Redeemer



And this tactic is going to eventually become an ENORMOUS source of stress for everyone who is still left in the game.




ie, everyone left who is not Ozzy



"Feed 'em and defeat 'em" is going to get under the skin of everyone who is left in Upolu, eventually.




Uh oh. Not good.




Oh, crap




He keeps winning. I can't watch.




Awwww, shitttttttttttttttt



It's going to skew the entire game in favor of Ozzy, eventually.




"All Ozzy does is make friends."




"Right now, he's holding a straight flush."




"Do you know what a straight flush is? It's... like... unbeatable."



It's going to completely take over the narrative of South Pacific. In the editing.







It's ESPECIALLY going to get under the skin of Coach.

Who, as you can probably guess, kinda considers himself to be the main character here.




Hey J.T., did you hear me say "Fuck Ozzy"?



And you know what? Here's the most impressive thing about Ozzy's storyline of "feed 'em and defeat 'em."

Not only does it get under the skin of Coach (in a big way), it eventually even gets under the skin of Sophie.

Even ice queen SOPHIE is eventually going to crack. Once she realizes that Ozzy has effectively outwitted this game.




"This whole thing is all bullshit."
















"He comforts them after they've been voted out."




"He gets to feed them."




"He gets the last say with every single jury member."




"My God, Coach. I think he's feeding 'em and defeating 'em!"




"What's that?? Is that like Jesus??"




"Hush, Brandon. The grownups are talking."



So anyway, yeah. Even SOPHIE is going to eventually be bothered by how Ozzy has managed to cleverly take over this game.

And how none of them can do shit all to stop it.




"Ozzy's the worst. He just SUCKS."



But hold off on that for now. We'll get more into that particular storyline later.

Suffice it to say, the "Sophie vs. Ozzy rivalry" is going to eventually become HUGE.

It's going to eventually (sorry, Coach) become the star of the season.




Oh I'm sorry, child. Did you forget that I'm Ozzy?



And with that, let's get back to Ozzy over on Redemption Island.

Let's delve into his story.

Because over the next couple of weeks...

.... he's got a HELL of a lot of feeding and defeating to do.




And he's going to start...




... with his first Redemption roommate, Keith



Remember how I said that Ozzy's story starts with a fish?




"Look at that, Keith! Biggest fish I've ever caught!"




"It's even bigger than Edna!"




Hehe, I like big fishes




"We're gonna be eating a fifteen pounder tonight, baby."



So Ozzy and Keith sit down together. And they dine on a fifteen pound fish.

And Keith, of course, is exceptionally happy about this.








"I love you, Ozzy Lusth."




"Also, aren't those Upolus all turds?"



And even though this SHOULD be the first instance of Ozzy "feeding 'em and defeating 'em", it doesn't quite work out that way in the episode. Because apparently no one on the Survivor production team understood what the hell the word "duel" meant. It seems that no one got that a Redemption Island duel was supposed to be...

...well...

... I mean, let's go to Webster's Dictionary for this one.







The first "Redemption Island duel" SHOULD have just been a showdown between Ozzy and Keith. Because, well... I don't mean to be picky here... but because THAT'S WHAT A FUCKING DUEL IS. It's a battle between two people.

But no.

Because the producers were apparently using a different dictionary than the rest of the world, this first duel is actually going to involve three people. It's going to turn into a truel.




And that's why we have to get Jim's chunky ass out to Redemption



And anyway, yada yada yada.




So lots of stuff happens back in the game




And Jim does this




And Cochran does this



And then Jim is voted out by the Upolus.




"You were a noble warrior, and a fighter at heart. And in the future, if ever our paths cross again..."




"EAT SHIT, WEED GUY."




I'm sorry, Jim. It's over.









Maybe you'll get a second chance in Cambodia.




..... or not.


*smuff*



And with that, NOW we can finally get to Ozzy's first "duel*."

* which is not actually a duel.




So let's head over to Redemption Island now




And let's begin the whole cycle




"Coach is gonna win. And he's gonna bring Edna and Cochran to the end."




"That's his plan. That's how it's going to play out."




"I've figured it all out in my head, and that's how..."




You know what, I really don't care.




I'm just gonna feed you and defeat you.




So good night, side character who's been trying to neuter me all game




...whatever your name was.



And the very next morning?

I mean, we've already seen it before.




"Look at that, Jim! Biggest fish I've ever caught!"




"It's even bigger than Brandon!"




Hehe, I like big fishes




"You and Jim are gonna be eating an eighteen pounder tonight."



And of course, you know how it's going to go...








"I love you, Ozzy Lusth."




"Also, aren't those Upolus all turds?"



And my friends, that's how you win two future potential jury votes.

Because as everyone else is arguing, and bickering, and being angry about things back in the game.




"Whitney, I'm sorry, but you disgust us."




"And Albert, if you go behind my back one more fucking time..."




"Do it again, and watch what happens."




"These people are NUTS!"




"It's so frustrating!"



As everyone else in the game is making enemies, and hurting feelings, and stepping on toes...




Ozzy's just chilling out there in his hot tub on Redemption Island




And he's bringing in fish



And as the grandfather of Survivor strategy would be the first one to tell you.




If you're the one who's bringing in food, they all love you



And in the next chapter, we'll see how Ozzy blazes a path of redemption unlike no player in Survivor history has ever done before, or since*.

*Matt Elrod wasn't bringing everyone a banquet every night too. So sorry, his comeback isn't even quite in the same ballpark.

And we'll watch as Ozzy fights his way back all the way up to the finals.




"Hey look, Ozzy won again. Look at that."




"All hail the Lord of the Pleasure Dome."




God DAMN this guy, anyway. How do we beat him?




"See, here's the thing. You don't."



And again, I know I already said it before...

But we'll watch as he completely takes over the season.




Coach's nightmare



Over the next six episodes, Ozzy is going to COMPLETELY take the story away from Coach (which is not easy to do), and from Coach's weird cult.

He is going to make South Pacific all about him.




Hey Probst, hire a drone. I'm gonna go climb up this tree.



And this is the thing I wanted to end this chapter on. Because I think it's important.

You know how when people complain about South Pacific, or whenever they rank it low on their season rankings, they usually complain about the exact same thing? You know how people will generally say something along the lines of, "It was hard watching that season. The religious stuff in that season made me very uncomfortable."




Brandon and his God Squad



Well, here's the thing. If you HATED the cult stuff in South Pacific (like a lot of people do), and if you hated the Upolus, then by definition you should really LOVE the second half of this season. When it suddenly becomes all about Ozzy, and about Ozzy taking down the Upolus.

Because I can guarantee you that NO ONE ever hated the Upolu Cult more than he did.




See that, you cult motherfuckers?
THERE IS NO GOD, THERE'S ONLY ME!



And anyway, that's the sentiment I wanted to end this chapter on.

Sure, the religious stuff in South Pacific might not be for you.

Sure, the cult formed by Coach might have been a little bit weird.

And maybe a little bit creepy.




"Coach, would God stop Mikayla if she tried to bite off my dick?"



Sure, South Pacific, as a season, might not be for everyone.




"If God gives me the idol in a dream, maybe Brandon won't be such a little bitch about it."



But all I'm saying is this.

As much as you- the average viewer- hated the Upolus, Ozzy probably hated that weird little cult even more. And Ozzy was the one and ONLY person who ever could have stepped in, and taken away so much of their screentime. And ruined all of their dumb little plans.

He was the one and ONLY player who could have given the producers a much more interesting story to follow instead.




And my comeback continues. Huzzah!



And this is why I'd argue that, even if you're not a big Ozzy fan, I think you still have to appreciate him. Especially in South Pacific.

Because he was literally THE ONLY THING that prevented this from just being a season about a bunch of smug creepy cult members.

He was the ONLY thing that prevented the second half of South Pacific from just completely turning into "The Upolus Always Get Their Way About Everything."




Well okay, maybe not completely



And again, this is why I think it's important to celebrate Ozzy's story in a writeup like this.

Because if you watch South Pacific again...  

And you watch it from HIS point of view, and HIS point of view alone...




Where he's the big tragic hero, and all these big scummy villains are always hunting him



Watch it like THAT, and the last part of South Pacific is INCREDIBLE.







That's all that I'm sayin'.











In the next chapter, Ozzy feeds 'em, defeats 'em, and excretes 'em. And becomes the favorite to walk away with this game.

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