1. Coach Finally Masters Survivor

The Funny 115 - The Third One

#1. Coach Finally Masters Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long

Before we get to the final stage of the game, where Coach has to systematically betray and eliminate the other members of his "family", I feel it would be appropriate to pause for a moment here, and actually appreciate what he has managed to pull off. Because I'm not exaggerating when I say he really has played one of the greatest games in Survivor history through the first ten episodes of this season.

I mean, seriously, look at Coach's storyline at this point in the season, and tell me this list of accomplishments isn't impressive.

For starters, this is a guy who, prior to South Pacific, got NO respect in the world of Survivor. None.

"Who IS this jackass?"

"Everybody knows that Coach is a big joke!"

"Oh look at me. I'm so silky and strong."

"Coach has a little schoolboy crush on me. People see that. He loves me, you know?"

"From the hero to the zero? How about from the villain to the never-was?"

"... and nice feather in your hair!"

Coach's reputation as a player was SO bad prior to South Pacific, that sometimes he didn't even need to open his mouth.

Sometimes players would look at him, and they would just openly start laughing at him.

Hey guys, want to join me for a little Chong Ran?

In fact... this is how bad it was for our old pal, the Dragonslayer.

Not only did the other players mock him whenever he opened his mouth...

The guy who runs the show openly mocked him as well

Well gee, thanks

Until Dan Foley comes along... dude, you're our punching bag

Prior to South Pacific, Coach was easily the most ridiculed figure in the history of Survivor.

"Coach is kind of a jackass"

"I think he really truly wants to be this, like, Survivor Man."

"I would not be surprised if when this game is all said and done..."

"Coach said, 'Gotcha! I'm an accountant! I've never left Nebraska!'"

So anyway, that was Coach's reputation in the Survivor world leading up to South Pacific.

He was the clown. He was the comic figure. He was the punching bag.

He was the never-was.

"He was also a... let me spell this out for you once again..."

"Let's just say it rhymes with brotherchucker."

*cries*

And this is why what Coach has managed to pull off in ten episodes of South Pacific is nothing short of a miracle.

I mean, let's not forget that when he first walked off that helicopter at the start of this game...

Everyone laughed at him

Some of them even... yes, once again... openly mocked him.

hwaaaaaaa

Hey dickhead, no karate chopping!

The Upolus wanted NO part of Coach on their tribe at the start of this game.

They wanted nothing to do with him.

Never forget that.

This guy's douchy as hell

Hey Upolu, could someone at least smile evilly at me?

They even leave the first challenge without even saying hi to him

At the start of this game, Coach had maybe the roughest first day anyone has ever had on Survivor.

Capped off by Ozzy kicking the shit out him in the first big hero challenge

Right there in front of everyone

"Oz-zy! Oz-zy! Oz-zy! Oz-zy!"

Dang. Maybe he should have tried karate chopping.

And again, this is why it's so amazing that... in just ten episodes... Coach has somehow managed to go from THERE...

"Hey fresh fish. You looking for a bodyguard?"

"There are some tough people around here. You could use some protection."

... to HERE.

"Coach is running this game like a cult! Why doesn't anyone stop him?!?"

Because I am Coach Wade. Now BOW DOWN BEFORE ME!

YOU DON'T MESS WITH MY FAMILY!

Through ten episodes, Coach has control over pretty much everything that happens in this game. He basically dictates everything that is going to go down... and why... and in what order. Which is pretty incredible for a guy who, twenty-seven days ago, started out even lower in the pecking order than Edna.

"We won't even say you're my bitch. We'll just say you're my friend."

"Thank you so much, my liege. Very humble. Very grateful for you."

And this is the point in the writeup where we need to go back and recap just HOW Coach got so much power in this game.

And how he managed to do it so WELL.

Did I say you could piss, Brandon? No, I did not. God wants you to hold it in your scrote for a while.

Yes, sir. Very good, sir. God bless.

The reason I'm doing this at this point in the writeup is because HOW Coach gained all this power is going to become incredibly important to how the last four episodes of this season are going to play out. And it's going to become incredibly important to the question that will always hang over everything when it comes to South Pacific: "Was Coach actually in the best position to win at this point?"

Because you have to remember, Survivor is a lot like Newton's Third Law of Motion a lot of the time. What goes up, often comes down. And often exactly as hard.

In other words... for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

If you don't know how that applies to Coach's story in South Pacific yet...

Uh... just watch.

Wishes he could karate chop Newton

For starters, let's look back at how Coach managed to acquire all this power in this game. And how he made it through ten episodes of South Pacific without ever really even being a candidate to go home. Which, knowing Coach, and his history on Survivor, is actually kind of incredible.

"You're a frigging lunatic!"

I know we've already gone through this once before, earlier in the writeup. But for the purposes of the rest of this chapter I feel the need to recap it again. Because remember, everything that went up so fast is going to come crashing back down. Only equally as fast.

That's just how the law of motion plays out.

It all starts with Edna taking pity on him on day one, and offering to be his new friend

"We could even anesthetize someone later if you want to. It would be lots of fun."

"Thank you, that would be very nice."

So Edna becomes his first friend.

And they agree to look out for each other

Then, right after that, Coach goes back to camp. And he wisely announces to the rest of the tribe...

...just like another skilled diplomatic, the great one, Bill S. Preston, Esquire...

"Don't even worry about us. We couldn't possibly fight you. We're totally weak."

"Don't even worry about me, guys. I couldn't possibly harm you. I'm totally weak."

"Turns out that despite my reputation, I'm actually not all that good at Survivor."

"I'm just here to help you guys get your shelter set up."

This was an incredibly great move on the first day of the game by Coach. Because it instantly disarmed everyone.

And it instantly made it so no one was on Upolu was ever going to be threatened by him.

"I hate to tell you, but we were never actually threatened by..."

Hang on please, Sophie. We're not to your part in the writeup yet. You'll get your chance to napalm everyone when we get to your chapters.

In any case, Coach instantly disarmed everyone on Upolu. Just by pointing out how amazingly weak he is.

"I can also bench waaay less than Brendan. Turns out what I said in Tocantins was not true."

"That guy is totally stronger than me."

"In fact, what if I could get you all passes to the excellent waterpark, Waterloo?

"Would you guys like that? Waterslides?"

And then, at this point, Coach kinda got lucky.

Because a couple of important things happened around camp, almost simultaneously.

First off, he learned that Albert is also a coach

And he learned that Sophie is also a speaker of Russian

And this is an INCREDIBLE stroke of good luck for him.

Namely, because Coach is probably the only Russian-speaking soccer coach in Lassen County, California.

Oh my god. I've found my two people!

If the two of them had sex with each other, they'd make ME!

And because of this, Albert and Sophie both instantly hit it off with the guy.

Which leads to this famous scene, of course, on night one of Upolu...

Where Coach is invited into the existing alliance of Albert, Sophie, and Rick

YEAHHHHH! DRAAAAAAGON SLAYER!

And like I said, this is where Coach gets pretty lucky.

Because simultaneously, as he is being invited into being a member of the cool kids...

Christine is starting to alienate herself from the cool kids, by going off and always looking for idols

And Stacey is starting to alienate herself too, by only hanging around with Christine

Which means the first two people going home will probably be Christine and Stacey.

And... more importantly... it means the Dragon Slayer will probably get a chance to actually stick around for a while.

And that's great news for one of the game's great wordsmiths like Coach

Because Coach is smart enough that if you give this guy an inch...

If you let your defenses down, and you let him establish a foothold in this game...

He is going to take advantage of it

And this is where Coach puts together easily one of the greatest ten-episode Survivor games of all time.

This is the part of the season where he assembles his army.

First off, he's already got this secret close relationship with Edna

Where he promises to cover her back, and she promises to cover his

Right there, she's the first unbreakable member of "the family"

Then, of course, Coach decides to bring in young Brandon.

Seen here, yelling at his toothpaste to squeeze out faster

Brandon is completely unpredictable when it comes to ninety percent of Survivor. But he is also completely PREDICTABLE when it comes to the other ten percent of Survivor. And that ten percent part is the part that Coach is incredibly interested in, of course.

Because all they have to do is bond over religion

All Coach has to do is swear to God that he and Brandon are never going to turn on each other, and you know that Brandon is in.

"May God bless us with wisdom, and may He strike down Mikayla. Amen."

And this is how Brandon became the second member of what we'll refer to as "Coach's little Upolu family."

And again, as I pointed out way back at the start of the writeup...

What this does... now that Coach has Edna and Brandon one hundred percent behind him...

Is it ensures that Albert/Sophie/Rick will never be able to turn on him

And this is important.

This explains why Coach is NEVER a target, ever. At any point during the pre-merge.

Because no matter how much power he gains, no matter how powerful he eventually starts to become...

There's nothing anyone can do to ever get rid of him

They just don't have the numbers*

* This assumes, of course, that Mikayla was never invited to be a part of the cool kids alliance, and she was never going to be.
If Mikayla's not there, the best Sophie and Albert can ever do is a 3-3 tie against Coach, and I'm sure they weren't interested in that. Not this early, anyway.

And now that Coach has made himself untouchable, now that he has ensured he will never be taken out by the attack dogs...

He decides to throw in a little extra credit on top of that.

That happens when he finds his first-ever hidden immunity idol...

And he only shares it with Albert and Sophie

And at this point, Albert and Sophie are basically just forced to say "fuck it."

I guess at this point, we're now just teamed up with the Dragon Warrior

And again, this explains why Coach has so much power in this game as we head up to the merge.

As long as Upolu keeps winning immunities...

And as long as he holds on to that hidden immunity idol...

And as long as Mikayla isn't part of the alliance, so Albert and Sophie will never have her around to use as a swing vote...

If all three of those things happen in the pre-merge, he's gold.

Coach Wade, the surprisingly new invincible force on Survivor

And the minute Coach finds himself in a position of invulnerability, THIS is where we get the stuff from the season that everyone remembers. Because this is where he pulls a page out of the old Boston Rob playbook, and he basically copies it.

He creates a "culture" of "how we do things on Upolu" that is designed to effectively protect the guy at the top.

I mean, go back to how Boston Rob plays Survivor, every single goddamn time he plays, and tell me if this doesn't sound a lot like Coach in South Pacific...

"We have a saying around here. If you go against the alliance, you're dead."

"If one of us turns on the others, no one is ever going to vote for them to win at the end."

"That's how you keep people loyal."

Does that sound familiar to you guys? Well it should. Because Coach says almost the EXACT SAME THING. Almost WORD FOR WORD. In one of his midseason speeches in South Pacific.

"We're a family. And we do things together."

"And if one person turns on the family, then the rest of us go after them."

"If anyone goes against the family, they're dead."

This strategy seems dickish if you're watching it from the audience, of course. Because what it comes down to is that Coach in South Pacific (just like Rob in basically everything) has turned into a bit of a bully. He has turned into a bit of a mob boss. But it's not that dickish if you step back and you look at it, at least functionally. Because all it is really doing is ensuring that the ones at the bottom of the alliance (Edna, Rick, Brandon) are never going to come after the ones at the top.

And since Coach is, without question, the guy at the top at some point...

The people at the bottom never coming after you is actually a really nice feature.

Salut

Because as Rob Mariano would be the first one to tell you...

"Fear keeps people loyal."

"And the minute that everyone is loyal, that means you never have to worry about anyone."

"It makes the whole thing a heck of a lot easier."

And at this point in the writeup, you're probably sitting there thinking "Okay neat. So Coach has finally turned into his idol, Boston Rob." He has finally completed the story arc that started a couple of seasons ago, back in Heroes vs Villains.

I mean, I hope you remember this little storyline.

"Coach, let me explain to you how Survivor works."

"I don't know, man. Can't we just stand here and sharpen each other?"

"No."

"I want to explain to you how the bully system works."

"I thought you said it was the buddy system."

"Yeah, that's what I meant. Do what I do, and you'll be very good at this game."

"Hey man, back in Tocantins, did you hear me say Dragon Slayer?"

"Yes I did. And I thought it was dumb."

"Anyway, run this game like a mob boss, and you'll be very good at it."

"Now go forth, my son, and intimidate. God bless."

Again, you'd THINK that Coach has managed to turn into Boston Rob.

And I wouldn't fault you for thinking that, because that's exactly how the editors are going to present it to us in the episodes.

That is literally supposed to be Coach's entire story arc.

"This is how you play this game. This is Survivor 101, rule thirty-seven."

"If anybody goes against the family, they're dead."

"You know who's looking really hot these days? Amber."

"I mean, Ozzy's talking about the actual holes he'd like to stick it in. The guy is a fruit loop."

"If I see another piece of fafaru, I'm going to fucking die."

And this is where we now come to a SUPER INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT part of this chapter. Where I am going to point out to you why Coach is NOT Boston Rob, and how he could NEVER be Boston Rob. And how it's complete bullshit that the episodes try to convince you that he has somehow turned into him.

This is also going to explain why Rob is so, so successful at this mob boss tactic, and why Coach (unfortunately) will probably never be.

Are you ready for this?

"It's because I'm a dick."

Well yeah. Rob basically nailed it right on the head.

This is without question the single most important sentence in all of my chapters about Coach. So I am going to type it out for you as big as I can. Because this is the reason Coach has problems in this game, problems that Rob Mariano is never going to have. You ready for the truth bomb?

The difference between Rob and Coach is that Coach is far too nice to be able to pull off the role of a mob boss.

The inherently nice gangster

And there you have it. This is why Coach is going to struggle at the end of this game. And it's why, just one season before, Boston Rob never did.

The problem is that Coach can't be an outright asshole to people.

It's just not in his nature.

I love you, Ozzy. You're the man.

If you don't understand what I mean when I say that Coach is too nice, and that he can't be an asshole to people (and why that niceness makes this game much harder for him in the end)... here, I'll show you a couple of examples.

Look at the way Boston Rob talks to the members of his alliance. And then look at the way that Coach talks to them.

You think they are saying the exact same thing, but they aren't.

"Here's how it works. We get the alliance to the end, and then we all fight it out."

"It's an easy game. We stick together to the end, and then it's every man for himself."

"The key to the game, guys, is don't complicate things. Don't turn on the group until you're forced to."

Rob KNOWS that he is going to backstab people at some point. So he undercuts that by never actually making any personal bonds with anyone. He keeps things distant. He keeps up the role of the wisened old mob boss. He doesn't do what Coach does, which is..

Well...

This.

"You looked out for me, Edna. And because of that, I'll look out for you as well."

"I never forget a kindness that someone has shown me."

He'll never treat Edna like a pawn that he might have to backstab later.

To him, she will always be...

And again, this isn't the way that Boston Rob tends to talk to people.

With Coach, he bonds with the people in his alliance on a much more personal level than Rob ever did. In fact, it's a level of intimacy that would probably horrify Rob.

Because with Coach, they are never just allies.

With Coach, they will also be friends.

"I mean it, Brandon. When I say I have your back, that means I HAVE IT."

"Our relationship is based around mutual respect for each other. And you know the word respect means something to me."

You see it over and over and over if you start paying attention to South Pacific.

The problem with Coach (as a player) is that he is... well... he is literally just way too much of a Coach.

Because what makes him SO GOOD as a guy who can bring people together, and get them to be part of a team...

"It's about trust. And it's about respect. We do well if we all respect one another."

"I love you guys. And I know you have my back. Just like you know I have yours."

"We're a team."

He's SO GOOD at getting people to believe in him, and believe they are part of a team...

"I see you, John. And I know you are one of us."

"We're the family you need in this game. You just haven't realized it yet."

"Do you want to play this game with people who will respect you?"

"Ask yourself, how long have you needed a friend?"

Coach is SO GOOD at that part of the game (the gathering the team part of the game, getting people to believe in him), that of course when it comes to the end of the game, and he has had to betray everyone, he is going to get absolutely nailed for it. And you can see it very obviously at the end of South Pacific, when some of the players are VERY VERY vocal about the fact that Coach has managed to turn himself into such a huge hypocrite.

"You guys lived with me for thirty-seven days, you know how I feel about liars."

"Coach, you said you tried to play with honor and dignity."

"You looked me in the eye and said, you know, we're men of honor."

"Do you have anything to say to me at all?"

"Man, you just stuck me right in the back."

And of course, Rick isn't the only one who will comment on this. This idea of "promising you'll play with respect", and "always treating your alliance as family" might work great for the first part of the game. It might get you very far in a game with a team component like Survivor.

But it doesn't go over so well when everything turns into a personal, individual game.

"I loved hanging out with you, Coach. You tricked me, and I loved it!"

"But what I don't appreciate is always talking about the honor and stuff."

"You say the word so frequently that that word means nothing to me."

And then, of course, there's the obvious one.

"Come on man, I trusted you."

"No karate chopping."

And again, this is where we get back to when I said South Pacific was basically the Third Law of Motion. What goes UP, will eventually come crashing back DOWN.

Motherfucker

Coach is SO GOOD at forming bonds with people, and becoming their friend, and ensuring that everyone feels respected, and that they are part of a team...

Basically... you know... being a Coach

That when he has to rip those bonds apart at the end, it is going to be especially painful.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? GOD WASN'T SPEAKING TO YOU AT ALL!

And this is where we come back to where I said that Coach was far too nice to be Boston Rob.

The thing about Coach is that he makes REAL, GENUINE bonds with people inside the game of Survivor. Bonds that Boston Rob couldn't possibly make with anyone, because they are all based on love, and honor, and friendship, and mutual respect.

You know who's awesome, Edna? You are.

I'm not as awesome as you!

And this is all well and good. For the first half of the game.

Because togetherness and trust and teamwork are essential to get your tribe into the merge.

"Dear God, please drop a plane onto Savaii. Please squash Ozzy flat like a bug. Amen."

But here is the problem.

Survivor is NOT a team game in the second half of the game. At that point it then becomes an individual game.

And the problem Coach faces is that what makes you really, really good at the first part of the game doesn't necessarily make you all that great at the second part. In fact, in his case, I'd argue that his skill as a coach actually makes his job in the second half of Survivor a lot harder. Because now he has actual, real bonds with people that he has to rip apart.

Because at this point, he has friends who have learned to believe in him.

He has teammates who now love him and trust him.

The big man protects us. We're family.

And again, this is what I see as the difference between Coach and Boston Rob when it comes to being a Survivor player. Coach plays a GREAT first half of the game. In fact, you could make the argument that Coach in South Pacific plays maybe the greatest ten-episode Survivor game of all time. The arc he has... going from a joke, to the leader of a religious cult... is just incredible. I don't think ANYONE has ever been able to pull off a Survivor legacy turnaround as amazing as that one.

Well okay, maybe one other guy

But here's the problem. South Pacific doesn't have ten episodes. South Pacific has fourteen episodes*.

* recap episodes don't count

And the last four episodes are going to be an absolute nightmare if you're a player like Coach.

Why?

"I mean, you already said it. It's because he's too nice."

Care to elaborate on that, Boston Rob?

"People knew they couldn't believe in me in Redemption Island."

They knew I was going to turn on them at some point. Because they weren't dumb."

"But I still did it anyway, and I got away with it."

"Because I was just better than them."

And you don't think Coach has the ability to do that?

"Coach is a smart guy too, but the problem is he gets people to believe in him."

"That might work well for you in life. But Survivor is not real life."

"The things that get you far in the world don't necessarily do the same in this game. And vice versa."

"To win Survivor, sometimes you just have to act like a dick."

"And you gotta be okay with that."

And you don't think Coach CAN be okay with that?

"I don't think he has it in him, honestly."

"I mean, the guy is a motivational coach."

"What's he gonna do, convince some kid she's the greatest player in the world? And then cut her scholarship?"

"Come on."

Well thank you for stopping by, Rob. That was very insightful.

"Thanks. Now I gotta go make more jokes about the General's small penis."

"Go Red Sox!"

And so there you have it.

The story of South Pacific is that Coach has, in essence, become Rob Mariano.

He has run this game like a mob boss.

He has turned into his idol in the game of Survivor, Boston Rob.

"Those fools bowed down before me. They cowered under my draconian rule."

"I know. I saw. It was impressive."

"Now can we just stand here and sharpen each other?"

"No. We still can't."

"Please? Just a little sharpening?"

"If you want sharpening, go play pickleball with Tyson."

"He'll sharpen the shit out of you."

But the problem is that Coach CAN'T turn into Boston Rob. He wants to, but he can't.

And the reason why... again... is because Coach is probably just an innately good guy in real life. He is probably far too much of a "coach" out there in the real world. He is probably way too successful at getting people he respects to not only trust him, but also to follow him, and believe in him.

Which again, is a very good skill to have if you want to get far in life. It is a genuinely admirable trait.

It's also a very good skill to have if you want to lead your little army through the first ten episodes of Survivor.

"We did it, you guys. You all were incredible."

"And Upolu, as you all know, means friendship."

But again, Survivor is not real life. Survivor is Survivor.

And because Survivor is not real life, those last four episodes are going to be a bitch for a player like Coach. Primarily BECAUSE he is so good at getting people to believe in him. What goes up is inevitably going to come crashing back down. HARD.

And I'm sure Coach is aware of this.

Coach, once he finally has to turn on the people who believed in him

And oh good. I'm glad Michael Scott finally made an appearance here at the end of the chapter.

Because I can't resist pointing out that one of the smartest Survivor writers I have ever known, a guy on Reddit by the name of DabuSurvivor, sent me the following email about seven or eight years ago:

"Hey Mario, have you ever noticed that South Pacific is basically the Office episode, "Scott's Tots"? Seriously, go back and watch Scott's Tots, and then watch South Pacific right after it. The parallels are so perfect, I bet you could have lots of fun with it."

And I'm REALLY glad Dabu sent me that email.

Because it ties in so perfectly with what I wanted to say about the dilemma Coach faces here, at the end of the tenth episode.

Is it appropriate to wear a man bun and a katana to a funeral?

No, not that dilemma.

This one.

I promised all these people that they'd be there at the end with me

They all believe in me

Now... what do I do about that?

How do I let them down in a way where they won't think I'm a huge douchebag?

And this is where... if you have never seen the episode "Scott's Tots" before... I should probably spell out the parallels for you.

Quick warning though before I write this next section. My daughter Vanessa is a HUGE fan of The Office, and she belongs to just about every Office discussion group known on the internet. And she always tells me there is one hard and fast rule when it comes to anyone discussing The Office. Even though this is her favorite episode, she says that most people do NOT like talking about "Scott's Tots." In fact, most Office fans these days won't even go back and rewatch that episode, because it's the one that is considered "too cringey." So be aware I am probably talking about the single most notorious Office episode of all time.

And anyway, there's your warning.

I hope you're ready for this. :)

Every user on Twitter the first time they experience "Scott's Tots"

"Scott's Tots" is the story of a man who's a bit of a blowhard, and can be incredibly eccentric at times, but deep down he just wants to be admired and loved.

That man's name, of course, is Michael Scott.

Seen here, explaining how being a minority works

Michael, like Coach, has a habit of promising things because he always wants to be seen as the good guy.

He has a desire to always be the big hero.

Sort of like Benry in Nicaragua, only better

But in "Scott's Tots," Michael promises something to someone he shouldn't.

"Guys, I screwed up."

Uh oh. What did you do this time?

"I have done the worst thing ever. It's worse than murder."

"I don't know. Murder is pretty bad."

"Murder is bad. But this is even worse."

And this is where we find out what he's done...

"Wow, you're still running the Michael Scott Foundation? That thing still exists?"

"What part of the Scott Foundation is 'Scott's Tots?'"

And this is where we hear the brutal details.

It turns out that... ten years ago... Michael met a bunch of disadvantaged kids at a local elementary school

And he promised to pay for their college if they all graduated from high school

And now that ten years are up...

He realizes that there's no way he can do that

Basically, he tried to be a hero to all these disadvantaged school kids. He tried to be the biggest good guy in the history of the good guys.

But instead, he really just lied to their faces.

Michael's co-workers are horrified

Well, not all of them...

Some of them think this is the funniest thing ever

Hey! Stanley! Stop laughing!

"Has it really been ten years?"

And the rest of the episode...

All twenty-two excruciating minutes of it...

Is Michael learning that you can't promise things to people if you have no way to actually back those promises up.

Sometimes there are consequences to getting people to believe in you

And this next part of the episode is SO MUCH LIKE COACH that I knew I had to mention it at some point in this writeup.

"Michael, why did you promise that?"

"To change lives."

"No. Michael. Why would you PROMISE that?"

I just wanted them to hear me yell Dragon Slayer

"Michael, this is a terrible, terrible thing you've done."

"It's TERRIBLE."

"And the longer you put it off, the worse it's gonna get."

"Just tell me it is going to be okay. Alright?"

"NO!"

"I'm not a bad news person."

"I bring GOOD news!"

"Like when I told those kids I'd pay for college!"

"Hey! I'm one of the good guys!"

"You HAVE to tell them."

"Erin, go with him. And make sure Michael tells them the truth."

And then he throws himself a big pity party.

"No! Damnit!!"

"Could this day get any WORSE?"

Which I should probably remind you...

Is very similar to a speech Coach gave us back in episode five.

"Stacey just went on a rant."

"She said Coach is running the show."

"So now at the merge I'm probably gonna be hit number one."

"It just ruins my day."

"It sucks."

"Could this day get any WORSE?"

In any case, the entire rest of the "Scott's Tots" is Michael having to admit the truth. And face the wrath.

Of all these people he has tricked into believing in him.

"I fell in love with these kids."

"And I didn't want them to fall victim to the system."

"So I made them a promise."

"If they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education."

Yay! He's our hero!

"I've made some empty promises in my life, but this is..."

"HANDS DOWN..."

"That was the most generous."

And I'm not going to spell out the entire episode for you..

But let's just say it's exactly as painful as you think it is going to be.

"Mister Scott! You came back for us!"

"Everyone's SO excited that you're here today! We put together a presentation for you!"

"You changed so many lives. We all want to say thank you."

"Look, we even named our new reading room after you!"

Oh good. Well this is certainly gonna be fun.

And then, as dozens of people have pointed out to me over the years, we essentially get what could best be called "Coach's experience over the last four episodes of South Pacific."

The hero arrives!

"Mis-ter Scott! Mis-ter Scott! Mis-ter Scott!"

You guys see this? This is how a hero feels.

Today I feel like Benry

"Politicians are always coming around, telling us they're gonna fix our schools."

"Promising this and that."

"But you, Mister Scott..."

"You are actually doin' it!"

"You are a Dream Maker!"

"And I thank you!"

"I thank you! I thank you! I thank you!"

"Hey Mister Scott! Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do? Make our dreams come true!"

We made it to the end of Survivor as a team! We all believed in each other!

"There were times that I wanted to give up."

"There were times that I got pressured into the drug game."

"But I always thought back to my guardian angel."

"Because of your gift, maybe I can become the next President Obama!"

Oh God. What have I done?

That's probably more screencaps from The Office than you ever expected to see in a writeup about Survivor. But I couldn't resist. The parallels between South Pacific and "Scott's Tots" are just so fun. And they also explain why I can't believe that anyone could not... if not love... then at least appreciate this season. The ending of South Pacific is just set up so perfectly. You can see it coming a mile away if you just follow the storyline.

"Hey guys. Turns out I've done something incredibly stupid."

"Maybe it was a mistake to get you all to believe in me."

"But remember, what I really did is I taught you some wisdom."

EXCUSE ME???

"There won't be any college education for anyone."

"But these kids TRUSTED you!"

"You lied to us! You said you'd have our back!"

"Yes, but I lied to myself too."

"Fuck you!"

"You guys don't understand. I give good news. I don't give bad news."

"My dream came from a good place. Never forget that."

YES BUT WHAT ABOUT OUR DREAMS?

"I think we all learned an important lesson about life today."

"Yeah the lesson is that you're a fucking asshole!"

"That's not true."

"Also, I believe Marcus Aurelius first said that."

So just what am I saying here?

Well the main thing I am trying to say is that despite the way he gets obliterated at the end of South Pacific, Coach is not a bad guy. In fact, I'd actually argue just the opposite. I think he is probably a better guy than most. And I think the problem he runs into on Survivor is the exact same problem Michael Scott runs into in "Scott's Tots." Coach wants to be the hero SO BAD that he promises the world to everyone. And he makes these incredibly tight bonds. And he's got these noble aspirations, and he gets his teammates to believe in him. And on Survivor, that's an amazingly effective way to get you and your little family up to the final six.

If you create a group that is THAT tight, and has THAT much love and respect and admiration for each other... well... as Whitney said...

"Why can't anyone break these fuckers apart? They're too strong!"

But...

At the end of the day...

Survivor doesn't stop when you get to the final six. It stops when you get to the final three.

And the problem Coach faces at this point in the game is...

I promised Edna and Brandon and Cochran that I'd pay for their college tuition

But what if I need to take that scholarship away, and keep Sophie and Albert instead?

How do I do that and not come off like a huge scumbag?

How do I avoid scottstotting* myself right out of a win?

* Scottstotting - A verb I just made up based on "Scott's Tots." I'm going to reference that episode so many times in the rest of this entry that I thought it needed to be used as a verb.

The reason I bring up keeping Albert and Sophie around is because I'm pretty sure they were not originally in Coach's plans at this point in the game. I believe he wanted to ride to the end with either his buddies Brandon and Edna, or with Edna and his new buddy Cochran. Those were the easiest paths he had to victory if this were a regular season.

Because you know no one will ever vote for you to win at the end. Right?

Yes, I'm aware of this

But the problem is that South Pacific is NOT a regular season.

South Pacific is one of those newfangled seasons.

That features that doohicky that the kids like to call "Redemption Island."

And Redemption Island has Ozzy

And this is why I said in the last chapter that Coach's strategy in this game... despite all his best Michael Scott intentions... is about to start to change.

I think that Ozzy coming back from Redemption Island (which is a very real possibility at this point) is beginning to spook him. I believe it is starting to make him question his strategy.

I believe he is starting to wonder if maybe he should keep Albert and Sophie around instead

Just in case one of them needs to beat Ozzy in that final immunity challenge

Because as we have seen before, much earlier in the season...

Coach trusts Albert and Sophie to be good at the puzzles

And this is why South Pacific is such a wonderfully delicious mess as we head into the final four episodes.

Coach KNOWS that his best path to win is either with Edna, Cochran, or Brandon.

But he also knows that Ozzy coming back is going to be very bad business for everyone. And to counter THAT, he might need to keep Albert and Sophie.

And also, hey, Rick is there too!

Rick

Coach also knows that the jury is watching his every move at this point, very carefully

And they already believe his whole "honor and loyalty" shtick is all bullshit

If he fulfills their prediction... and shanks his friends without treating them with honor and dignity on the way out...

He's toast

But again... hell of a job Coach has done up to this point.

Through ten episodes, he really has played one of the greatest Survivor games of all time. The turnaround he has made... going from assistant (to the) regional Edna, to the king of maybe the single most unbreakable alliance of all time... has been nothing short of incredible. As fans, we need to never forget that.

He really has pulled off something incredible here.

"Benry aint shit."

"For I am the Dragon Slayer."

But WILL Coach be able to pull off a win in the end?

Or is he going to come to regret making all those personal connections with people? And all those unbreakable promises that he will now have to break?

Is he going to scottstot himself right out of a win?

"Coach, you said we'd be warriors in Jesus together! You swore on Christ's name!"

"Yes. I'll admit that errors were made."

"Hey! Remember! I was the good guy!"

"I'm not a bad news person. I only bring good news."

So how, exactly, is Coach going to dance around this minefield he has managed to create for himself over the final four episodes?

How, exactly, is he going to rip his little family apart, after he so carefully put it together?

I don't know. It is going to be tricky.

For now, all we really know about his future is...

"Other people make false promises, Mister Dragon Warrior, but you don't."

"You actually mean it."

"You're actually doin' it!"

"You are a Dream Maker!"

"Coach! Wade! Coach! Wade! Coach! Wade!"

All we know about his chances to win at this point are...

He better be careful

P.S. I know it's weird when I make half a South Pacific chapter about Michael Scott. But I am hardly the first person who has ever compared Coach to Michael Scott. Look what happens when you search for "Michael Scott" on the Survivor message board on Reddit.

In the next chapter... Coach enters the part of the game that is going to be extraordinarily dangerous for him. In a little chapter I like to call, "All Outsiders Must Die."

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