The Funny 115 - The Third One




#1. Coach Finally Masters Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long

"There has always been this cult-like quality to the Upolu family."

Upolu

"Just hearing the word "family" over and over, you can't help but think of Charles Manson and the Manson Family."

"The family that committed so many heinous murders."

"It doesn't help that they have to pray every five minutes."

"Dear God, please give Rick some more airtime."

"And do something about Sophie's posture. Amen."

"Brandon in particular seems almost obsessively devout."

"To the point where it seems like he's trying to suppress something a lot more scary."




"In fact, I think he has even started to refer to himself as Squeaky."

Brandon

"Anyway, I just don't want to be Sharon Tate in this scenario."

"I have to do whatever I can to make sure I'm not taken out by 'The Family.'"



Anyway...

Now that we've seen the minefield that Coach has managed to create for himself with his "family", it's time to see how he's going to try to dance his way through it.

The first "family member" who's about get his dreams crushed by our benevolent leader... naturally... is Cochran.

See here, left, in Ronald McDonald fright wig



Now, obviously, Cochran was always the least likely of the Upolu members who was ever going to make it to the end. Namely because he never actually WAS an Upolu member. He was just some hitchhiker who the Upolus picked up along the way, and helped give them an extra vote.

And that's why Cochran is hanging out with Coach as often as he can at this point in the game

Going so far to even join him for katas on the beach

In a desperate attempt to earn some kind of a reward for being a good cult member



And I do have to say here, in Coach's defense, he WANTS to reward Cochran. He wants to take this scraggly little ginger all the way to the end. Mainly because he knows that Cochran is the only reason the Upolus are still here. And everyone knows that.

And also because... well... as always, if there's one thing we know about Coach...

It's this.

"When I say, as a Christian man, I promise you that this is what I'm going to do..."

"That's an irrevocable promise."



Coach has told Cochran he's going to take him to the end. And to be fair, Coach isn't the only member of Upolu who has gone out and done this. We never actually see it in the episodes, but according to interviews that came out after the game, pretty much EVERY member of Upolu has promised to take Cochran to the end at some point. So it's not like Coach is the only one who's going to look like a dick if he goes back on his word. Pretty much ALL of them have something to lose, politically, if they break a final three deal with the guy who rescued their tribe. And if they do it so quickly.

This is one of the reasons we later see Albert trying to vote out Edna instead, and keep Cochran

It's because Albert, just like Coach, is already worried about what the jury is going to think of him if he gets to the end

"Cochran helped us, guys. And we need to repay that."



Now obviously we, as the audience, know that such a repayment is never going to happen. Because like I said, Cochran was never really a part of THE FAMILY. No matter how much he begged, no matter how much he monologued, no matter how many times he did katas, he was always going to be seen as outsider. The Upolus have had their alliances set since about the second or third day of the game. And he wasn't part of them.

And that's why... even though they all promised him the world just a couple of days ago...

"Yeah sure, I'd love to have you there at the end. I think you're a really great guy."



Deep down, you can tell they generally just don't want him around anymore.

"Oh and also, fuck you Cochran. You pathetic little shit."



And so this is the problem that Cochran was always going to face here at the final seven. And to be honest, it's the problem that Coach was always going to face here at the final seven as well.

I mean yeah, sure, Cochran is in good with Coach.

Cochran will ALWAYS be in good with Coach.

"It's about balance, Cochran. The key is your balance."

"Remember, if one part of the pizza falls, the rest of the pizza falls too."

"Chuckie calls it the Domino's Effect."



But Coach is just one guy.

Unfortunately for Cochran (and also for Coach)... there are five other cult members.

Literally Cochran's entire experience on Upolu



And it's right around this point in the season... where we get this particularly poignant moment between Cochran and Coach.

Which sums up the reality of both of their situations quite well.

"I'm dead meat at seven, Coach. I know it."

"Well... I will do everything in my power to make sure that that doesn't happen."

"But..."

"Everybody always says I'm in control of the game."

"I'm really not."



The reason I bring up this scene is because now I'm going to get to an even BIGGER reason why Cochran was always going to get scottstotsed here at the final seven. No matter how many times Coach promised to pay for his college tuition. No matter how many times Coach promised he'd look after him.

"I fell in love with that goofy little bastard the moment I met him."

"And I didn't want him to fall victim to the system."



The reason Cochran was doomed at this point in the game wasn't so much that he was a weird, whiny spaz, and that he was never really a part of the group. Although I'm sure that definitely had something to do with it. No, the real reason... the bigger reason... the REALITY...

... was spelled out in Coach's very own words, just a couple of episodes ago.

Remember this quote?




"There's three types of motivational styles."

"There's coddling. There's reaffirming. And then there's fear."

"So I feel... at the moment... like an old mob boss."

"If anybody goes against the family, they're dead."



And there you go. THAT was the reality.

Even though Coach talked a good game about wanting to repay Cochran, and about being conflicted by the decision, I don't think that he actually was. Because there wasn't a chance in hell that Coach would EVER vote out a member of "the family" over an outsider like John Cochran. Ever. Not if he wanted to have a chance to win South Pacific, he wouldn't.

Because again, there was that whole little "culture of fear" that he has managed to create around camp.

Or... to be more accurate... not really a culture of fear, but more really a "culture of retribution."

As Coach laid it out for us ever so bluntly in that earlier confessional...

If anyone goes against the family, they're DEAD



And this is why when Coach says things like this to Cochran...

"Everybody always says I'm in control of the game."

"I'm really not."



He's not lying.

He's really NOT in control. The entire cult of Upolu is in control. And if he wants to finally win Survivor (which he desperately does), Coach can't do anything about it at this point in the game.

The minute he votes out an Upolu member over Cochran, he's done.




Remember... those who live by the four-thousand dollar ornamental sword that they purchased on Ebay...
also die by the four-thousand dollar ornamental sword that they purchased on Ebay



And this is one of the downsides when you set up your alliance like a cult.

As both Cochran and Coach (and later, even Albert) are about to find out.

"Sorry, man. You know I'd love to help you out."

"But Brandon wants to throw all outsiders in the pit of eternal damnation."

"Where demons gnaw at the flesh, and then the flesh is reborn."

"I'd help you out if I could but... you know... he's nuts."

Really? Brandon's nuts? You don't say.

"I can set you up with a nice Jesus chain though."

"You know, as kind of a parting gift."

Aw jeepers, Coach Dad. You're the best.



Side note: By the way, aside from the whole "cult" aspect of South Pacific (which I know creeps a lot of Survivor fans out), there was actually a functional, real-world reason why the five other Upolus didn't want Cochran to weasel his way into the final six. It was because no one wanted Coach to be able to drag this kid to the end as his own pet personal goat.

Yes, the Upolus were all little cult members. And yes, they were all weird, creepy, unyielding zealots at times. Especially Brandon. But I would assume Upolu's other... real... underlying... logic would have been something like this: "If we go down at the end for being an unlikable cult of dicks, then we all go down TOGETHER. Yes, even you, Coach. You don't get to steal an easy win just because you're up against Cochran. You're gonna go down in flames just like the rest of us."

Anyway, I just wanted to throw that in there.

The Upolus weren't idiots.

"Guess what, you were an ass too, Coach. You don't get off that easy."

"If we break final three deals with Cochran, then we ALL do."



And with that, let's zip through Cochran's final few days in Upolu.

As he tries his best to be an outsider trying to fit in with a religious cult.

"Thank you for adopting me into your family, you guys."

"This is so great!"

Yeah, about that...



Just like the members of Upolu aren't idiots, Cochran isn't really an idiot either. He knows full well that this first vote after the Pagonging is going to be the important one.

If he can make it past this ONE vote, then he's probably going to be able to stick around for a while.

And then... maybe... good things might happen when "the family" finally has to turn on each other.

And that's why he is really, really relying on kissing ass to the Dragon Slayer

"Hey Coach did I ever tell you I used to prank call people?"

"No, John Cochran. Do tell me your witticisms!"




"I'd say I was a mouse who had a really big honey collection in my backyard."

"When they asked me my name, I'd say it was Chuckie With Bees."

"My word! That pun is so glorious!"

Blasphemy! No one else is allowed to make Chuckie jokes! God says that is Coach's job!

I wonder if we could just kill him right now



But again, asskissery is the only tool Cochran really has in his arsenal right now.

Well, I guess that... and just flat out basically begging everyone.




"I realize my name is being thrown around as maybe being the next one voted out."

"And it makes sense, because I'm new here."




"But I made a big sacrifice to kinda change my game."

"And I feel like the Upolu tribe did benefit from it."




Who is this outlander? And why is he not wearing the mark of the chosen one?

"So basically all I'm asking is for the debt to be paid back just by saving me. For one Tribal Council."

"I would just really, really appreciate it."

Be the groveler, John Cochran. Be the groveler.

"Oh, and also... it's my birthday in three days. So there's that."

"I'd love to be able to celebrate it with you all."

"Perhaps we could even pretend we were all at a Chuck E. Cheese."

"God damnit, I hate him."



Anyway, Cochran's plan is not going to work. It was never going to work.

Even though Coach and Albert do both actually try to step up for the guy...

"I mean, he DID sacrifice his game for us all..."

"I definitely agree with Albert. Cochran sacrificed so much for us."

"I am a baseball, and Coach makes a really good point."



But at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.

Because it all comes down to what's best for the cult.

"But it's not my opinion, it's the opinion of us all."

"If Brandon wants to throw him into the pit of eternal despair, I'm totally cool with that."

"Whatever God wants to do, I'll support."



And this is why the group decides that Cochran needs to be given the Kool-Aid*.

*actually Flavor-Aid

"Yes I think he made a big move... but..."









Yeah and to be honest, that redheaded guy doesn't even pray enough



And sorry about that, Cochran.

Just like that, the family has spoken.

"After we kill you, what we do is we cut your head off and we put it up on the flag."

"That's how God knows that your spirit will always be with us."

"It's not like Sharon Tate at all. It's actually more like an honor."



Although I can't resist pointing out... that Coach KNOWS this has the potential to make him look really, really scummy in front of the jury.

You can't build Cochran up as your savior a couple of days ago, and then instantly shank him the minute it's politically convenient for you.

And that's why Coach LITERALLY DOES THE MICHAEL SCOTT FACE when he realizes this might be his first big official Scott's Tots Moment.

Check it out.

Coach, when he realizes how BAD this Cochran vote is gonna look in front of the jury

Yikes. This might be not good.

The inner face of reckoning



In any case, Cochran gets one last free mentoring his final day on the beach.

"I pray that one day you'll forgive me for this."

"Be the forgiver, John Cochran. Be the forgiver."

And then jazz hands, girl

Work that booty



And then... as he is known to do... Coach even gives Cochran a nice little testimonial on the way out.

Just to make sure this subplot looks better when it is shown on TV.


(Side note: I kid, but this is actually a really great speech.)

"There's that one player on every team, that you give everything to."

"It's why you teach or coach. And it's why I play Survivor."

"To find that ONE student that wants to learn."

"So I took Cochran out to do Tai Chi."





"I do feel like I owe him. I feel like I owe him some type of hope."

"You never know what kind of challenge the next one's gonna be."

"Hopefully, you know, this will empower him."

"And this is where we pretend to punch Brendan. Punch Brendan."

"Show that fucker exactly how much you can bench."



And to be fair, Coach's final Tai Chi lesson does seem to empower Cochran a little.

It actually helps.

"For all the jokes about Coach, and Coach-Chi, it really does work."

"I have no stress now, it all just exited my pores."

"All that remains is a singular drive to win immunity today."



This final little bit of confidence DOES actually help.

It just doesn't help ENOUGH.

That's the problem.

Because Albert winds up winning immunity today




"Thanks, God."



And really, that marks the end for John Cochran.

Oh well, Cochran. At least I tried. I love you.

Oh well, you little ginger cockroach. Fuck off.



And you know he wouldn't be Coach...

... if he couldn't find a way to somehow to turn this all into a Shakespeare quote.

"My decision tonight, and which way I go, is going to determine the rest of the game."

As William Shakespeare says, 'There is a tide that comes in the lives of men...'"

"... that when taken, leads to great fortune."

"But when omitted, all the rest of their lives are bound in shadows, and misery."

"I wanna make sure that I make the right decision."

"I wanna make sure that I take the right tide."



Thanks, Coach. This is exactly why we love you.

"Cochran's fate is a lot like Edward the Martyr, if you want to get historical."



In any case, Cochran is eventually voted out of the game.

*scottstotsed*



But Tribal Council doesn't go down without a huge bit of drama, of course.

Because... you know... even though the vote tonight is perfectly obvious...

Even though everyone knows that Cochran will be the one going home...

This one is not Upolu. This one was never Upolu.

Why does the outlander continue to mock us with his Savaiiness?



It's been a while since Brandon has gone off the rails.

And made Survivor a LOT difficult for everyone...

It's been a while since he did this, so you knew it was coming



And so here we go. One of the greatest Brandon wildcard moments.

This is where... for no reason at all... he just whips it all out there, like he's Louis C.K.

To the horror of everyone on Upolu, Brandon basically just lays out the pecking order.

"Jeff, everybody here knows what's gonna happen with these two."

"That's why tonight I'm voting out Cochran. And then the next night, my vote is for Edna."

"Let's try not to be so gray about it. That's what's going to happen."

"It's best to just get it all out there."



And oh great, thinks Edna's best friend in the world, Coach.

Yikes



Now not only is Cochran convinced that he never had a chance in this group.

Now Edna is aware that she was never really a member of the family as well.

Seriously?



And that's going to be a HUGE political landmine for a player like Coach...

Because he has been promising to pay her college tuition for weeks

And... this is not good...



And that's why the end of this game is going to get so damn complicated for a guy like the Dragon Slayer.

There are so many variables flying at him right now that he isn't going to be able to control.

Edna wasn't supposed to know that Coach had already turned on her.

Brandon just ruined that.

"Coach, Brandon now poses a HUGE problem for anyone in this alliance."

"Because he's crazier than a shithouse rat."

"How do you deal with that?"



To which Coach utters perhaps the understatement of the year, when he replies...

"The fact that Brandon is not malleable in this game is both a blessing and a curse."

"If you're with him, you know he's not gonna turn on you."

"But you're also afraid he's gonna spill the apple cart."



In any case, Brandon hears this, and he starts crying.

And once again, he has a little nervous breakdown in front of everyone.

"I have failed you, God! I'm such a terrible person!"

"Please flagellate me! Please flagellate me! For I am a sinner!"



And he basically turns into Chunk in the Goonies for a couple of minutes.

"In third grade, I cheated on my history exam."

"In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Russell's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play."

"In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs... and I blamed it on the dog."

"Oh God, I'm soooo sorry!"

"Why did Mikayla have to do this to me?!"



And we wrap it all up with a couple of comments about how Brandon might not be the best ally to have in a game about secrecy.

"Brandon's probably not the best person to be in a strategic partnership with."

"Talking to Brandon about strategy is like talking to you about shirts that aren't blue."

Oh you

"He doesn't understand it. It's not in his vocabulary."

"Sophie. Agree with what Cochran said? That Brandon is not the greatest strategy player out here?"

"Yeah. And I think it's sometimes unsettling."

"SOPHIE SAID I'M UNSETTLING! GOD, COULD YOU LET ME JUST STAB HER?"

"I stand corrected. Brandon is perfectly normal."

"Thank Chuckie! I'm good again! My smile is back!"



Anyway, bye Cochran.

This season is fun.

"Well... this has been one of the most interesting and revealing Tribal Councils of the season."

No it hasn't. Shut up.



And with that, we lose our second favorite junior deputy firewood bitch.

Bye Cochran. Yee-haw.

Be safe in eternal damnation, Jon Cokran. God bless.

I am a baseball, and this is my vote

"... and then in the eighth stanza, that's where we liken your journey to that of the wily old centaur..."

Consider this a dodgeball to your head, you fuck



And again, I need to reiterate what a TERRIBLE episode this one wound up being for Coach.

A lot of it wasn't really under his control (like the cult just not being interested in any new cult members). But still, at the end of the day, the reality is that Cochran is now pissed at him, simply because he felt he got lied to...

"In retrospect, that might not have been the best move."

"The Upolus did almost nothing to help me."

"It's insulting, what they did to me."



And now Edna is also going to be pissed at him...

Because Coach had promised to give her a heads up if she was becoming a target



And Coach knows that dealing with a pissed-off Edna now is going to be rough.

Uh, thanks a lot Brandon



And again, this is the reality of the minefield that Coach is now facing.

This is what happens when you play Survivor, and you get way too close to your friends.

It's entirely possible Coach might have lost TWO future jury votes tonight.





Things are not looking great for The Possible Juror Slayer



And now let's head back to camp, and see how Coach tries to deal with the fallout over this.

So we're back at camp now, and Edna knows she is next

And naturally, she's PISSED

Because Coach promised he'd look out for her



And of course it all comes to a head the very next morning

Brandon calls everyone around so they can all fap off to Jesus again



And Edna announces she's not going to take part in Upolu's routine morning ritual anymore.





See ya zealots, I'm out of here




And naturally, Coach scolds Brandon because... look what you did, you little jerk.

"Nice job Brandon. She knows she's not part of the tribe now."

"She just walked off."

That's weird. Why does Edna hate Jesus?

"She doesn't hate Jesus, you dick. She hates you."

"She hates ALL of us."

"WHY, GOD? WHYYYYYYY??????"

"WHY DO BAD THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO MEEEEE???"

"Anyway, I'm gonna go talk to her. Maybe tell her a Chuckie joke."

"I've got one about mushrooms that she'll really enjoy."



And then, naturally...

He sighs.

Thanks Brandon. This is just great.



And this is where Coach has to go do an enormous amount of damage control.

Edna Slayed

"You sleep next to these people, and they tell you from day one..."

"...that you're included in the tribe."

"And we're gonna preach honesty and integrity."

"I feel like Cochran has. I feel duped."

"And then Coach? El Jefe? He's the leader."

"He's the one who's preaching it day in and day out."



And then here comes the part that I always thought was especially sad.

"This is reality."

"This is real life for these individuals."

"To treat me like a second class citizen. Is that true life?"



And again, here is yet ANOTHER face that has the potential to cost Coach that million dollar win.

The crying Coach's best friend face



In any case, now Coach has to go calm her down, and try to do damage control.

"Coach, I can't believe I volunteered to come out here to be deceived by everyone."

"Everybody gets deceived."

"Even Chuckie gets deceived."

"In fact, there's this time he once saw this enormous mushroom, and..."

"I feel like the deception was that we were six strong!"

"We were," agrees Coach. "We were ALWAYS six strong."



And now he tries to lay the whole thing out for her, logically.

"We are a tribe. And now it becomes an individual game."

"It's like when Chuckie saw the mushroom, and he..."

"But you guys are telling me it becomes an individual game at five. It's different!"

"Don't you see? The logic is different!"





"And clearly YOU knew. And everybody ELSE knew. That I was a second class citizen in all this!"

"And that's what I don't like."



Coach defends himself the best that he can.

But deep down, the damage has probably already been done.

"You've always been part of the family, Edna. You just don't realize it."

"You know what I feel like right now? I feel like..."



And it's right here... exactly at the point in her speech about how hurt she is by all this... where we get one of those fun little moments in Survivor that can only be described as "unintentional comedy."

Seriously, watch the timing of this moment, and tell me the comedy couldn't have accidentally worked out any better.

You're really not supposed to laugh at this. You just do.

"There's one problem on this tribe, Coach."

"There's one guy... a nineteen year old high school dropout..."





"He's dictating to me the direction of my own destiny here!"



And speaking of that one guy who openly admits he is crazy...

"HEY GUYS! LOOK AT THIS! THE LORD BROUGHT US TREEMAIL!"



Brandon starts screaming his Jesus shit right in the middle of Edna's little rant about him.

"GOD GAVE IT DIRECTLY TO ME! I'M A PROPHET!"

"I GOT THE TREEMAIL!"

"FOR TODAY IS THE GLORY! IT IS A SPRINT PHONE FROM JESUS!"



Anyway, let's just say that Edna's heart-tugging speech about abandonment isn't quite as effective in the episode as it probably should have.

"I feel so alone, Coach. I feel so abandoned."

"JUST LIKE MOSES AND THE TABLETS! IT CAME DOWN TO ME!"




"Coach, I really feel like I need a hug from a friend."

"COACH! WE GOT A SPRINT PHONE FROM GOD!"



I don't know. I always just found this moment so awkward and fun.

It's gotta rank up there with Bruce's medevac as one of the most unintentionally goofy scenes of all time.

"I hurt my butt back there."

"I don't care."

"I know."

*sings*



In any case, Coach and Edna never do finish their little chat about loneliness.

Which is a shame, because I'd like to know how Coach would have responded to the whole thing.

"It's just way too damn Jesusy around here, Coach."




"That's the problem."

"Well, you know, it doesn't have to be that way."




"It doesn't?"




"We are not a perfect family, Edna. But we are still a family."


"And there's things we can do to get better."

"As my good friend Chuckie would say, there's still mushroom for improvement."

"Thanks, Coach. You always know what to say."



And with that, let's move on to the South Pacific loved ones' visit.

"Hey guys, look! God sent us a riddle!"





"I'm surprised He didn't write it in Aramaic."

"I guess He did that so we'd be able to read it."



But the Upolus all gather round, as a family*.

*Edna is allowed to tag along, too

And for maybe one last time as a family, they all share some joy.

"Hey look, Rick. There's your wife!"

"Hey look Edna, there's your sister!"

"Hey look, Sophie. There's your dad!"



And, of course, we see Albert's mom...

"I love you. And you are a baseball."



And Brandon's dad...

"Listen, you little shit. Come back home and clean your room, or I'm kicking your ass."



And, of course, the piece de resistance when it comes to all Survivor loved ones...

Coach's good friend, Chuckie the Cheese

"Chuckie!"

"I'm here, Coach! I came for you!"

"See guys, I told you I was friends with him."

"God sent Chuckie! God is so good!"



And this leads us into the big episode thirteen duel-slash-loved one's visit.

"Come on in, guys!"

That's not cool. Stop saying "guys."

"Sorry, I mean come on in, fuckers."

Ha ha. Probst called them fuckers.



And this is where Probst explains how the South Pacific loved ones visit is going to work.

"The winner of this duel stays in the game."

"The winner also gets to see your loved one from home."

"I know the whole setup is weird, but you guys fuckers got it?"

Yep. We got it.



And with that... the greatest challenge beast in Survivor history, and a guy who once accidentally asphyxiated himself with a sock... square off in a duel.




"Come on Cochran. You can do it!"




"You really think so?"




"No, not really."

Thumbs up, little bookworm. We believe in you.



And... well... Ozzy wins.




As always



And with that, Cochran's Rocky Balboa-like underdog story comes to an end.








"You almost beat me, ya big goob!"



So Cochran takes his little purse and goes home.




"See ya, guys. Be nice to Edna."



And now comes the big twist in the episode...

Where Ozzy gets to decide who's going to see their loved one, and who isn't.




"Ozzy, you get to make a very big decision now."




"It will impact the six people left in the game."




Okay Jeff. I'm ready.



And so here comes the parade of the loved ones.




Edna's sister is here. And fittingly, she's not a member of this family either.




Albert's mom shows up, and she makes a big scene




Rick's wife shows up...




... and she immediately gets her butt grabbed




And then here's this guy




"Chuckie!"




"Coach!"



Anyway, they're all here.




Brandon's dad




Sophie's grandfather



Ozzy's loved ones are here too, of course. Only his loved ones are just his top two patrons from Onlyfans.




So they have to be Skyped in




"Ozzy, YOU get to decide who spends time with their loved one today."




Interesting




"So tell me. Which members of Upolu do you want to piss off?"







Ozzy eventually decides he'll give some love to Albert, Brandon, and... luckily for us, and the purposes of this entry...




"My man, Coach."




Thank you, my noble warrior. God bless.




"Yes! Yes! He picked me!"



And with that, it's time for Coach, Albert, and Brandon to spend some time with their loved ones.




"Hey guys look, it's an Evo 3D from Sprint!"




"With this, you guys can take pictures and shit."




"Ozzy, you clearly know how a webcam works, so hang onto this."




"Mr. Hantz. Mrs. Destrade. Mr. The Cheese. Enjoy your visit."



And so the seven of them all go to Ozzy's little hut on Redemption Island to hang out.




"Watch out guys, there are still some Cochran tears around here. The ground might be wet."




"Wow, Ozzy. God gave you a bench!"



And of course, if there's ANYONE who will guarantee airtime by openly talking about the sponsor of the show...

... we know who that will be.




"I hate to pontificate about this, but I'm gonna pontificate."




"This Evo 3D from Sprint is great."




"I'm gonna name my son "Evo 3D from Sprint."




"Sorry Albert, I accidentally took ten pictures of myself with the new Evo 3D from Sprint."




"Holy shit, he did. He popped his shirt off and everything."




"Look at this, guys. Sweet! We can watch 180!"




"On the new Evo 3D from Sprint!"




"Here's the part in the movie where you can see me think, 'Dragon Slayer.'"



But it's not just all fun times with the new Evo 3D from Sprint.

Coach is here to conduct business as well.




"I think Ozzy picked me in the hopes I would be in his corner at the end."




"Well I got one better for you, Ozzy."




"I'm in your house? I want to talk to you."



So the two of them meet up in private.

And they discuss how the rest of the game is probably going to go.




"No one's going to beat you here on Redemption, Ozzy."




"You're like the new Evo 3D from Sprint. You're incredible."



And even though this conversation seems slight, and it doesn't feel very important...

Make sure you keep it in mind.

Because it is going to have ENORMOUS implications later for how this season is going to end.




Hey Coach, what happened to wanting to work with me?



In any case, make sure you remember this conversation for later.

Because this is a big one.




"I'm not gonna B.S. you, man. I'm always gonna be straight with you, right?"




Um, sure




"And I want you to be straight with me, too."




"I want you to keep this conversation confidential, okay?"




I'm here all alone. Who am I gonna tell? A fucking dolphin?




"As soon as you get back from Redemption, whether it be either at six or five..."




"I've got a perfect final three scenario."




Lemme guess. It will be you, me, and...




"You. Me. One other person."




Really? You really want me in the final three with you?




Whatchoo talkin' about, Coach?




"I'm serious, dude."




"I'm giving you my word, dude, as a Christian man."




"One scholarship to college. Courtesy of Michael G. Scott himself."




"What am I gonna do? I'll make your dreams come true."



This is an incredibly risky promise for Coach to make at this point in the game. And I'd argue it's probably also the biggest reason why he winds up losing the final jury vote at the end.

It's all because of this unnecessary overkill of a deal that doesn't really need to exist, that only came about because the guy at the top was antsy, and was starting to get scared, and is a hundred percent going to be broken when the two of them get to the end. 




I mean, even Stevie Wonder could have seen this one coming



And... you know... since we compared Coach to Boston Rob just a chapter ago...

I guess I should keep that comparison going, and say that Coach's unnecessary deal with Ozzy is exactly like THIS...




Late in the game during All-Stars, Rob starts getting antsy because he's not feeling very safe




So he makes an unnecessary final two deal with Alicia




"I got your back, Alicia. I swear."




"I won't stab you in the back, I promise."



And guess who winds up getting stabbed in the back?







And guess who's the one swing vote who winds up costing Rob the game?




Alicia



So what's the big lesson here?




Never piss off Alicia



Actually, no. The big takeaway from South Pacific when it comes to Coach and Ozzy, and the deal Coach makes at the loved ones visit is...




"You'll notice in this game, I'll say hey it would be great to take you to the final three."




"When I say, as a Christian man, I promise you that this is what I'm going to do."




"That's an irrevocable promise."




"I wanna take Ozzy to the end."




"Two noble warriors, fighting it out. To see who the Sole Survivor is."



It's exactly like we saw back in Scott's Tots.

Don't promise people things if there's no way you're ever going to come through.

It doesn't make you look like a hero. It just makes you look like a douche.





"I promise you, Ozzy..."




"You will never get stabbed in the heart with a machete and a mango."




"You have my word. As an honorable Christian."




"Alright," says Ozzy, "Let's do it."




And look at me! I'm a dream maker!



In any case, that was the moment I wanted you to file away when it comes to the loved ones visit. That conversation between Ozzy and Coach. It's an important one.

There are some other fun minor subplots as well.




"What the fuck are you doing out here, Brandon?"




"WIN! I sent you out here to WIN!"




"Nobody cares about any of this Jesus shit."




"No! I'm a sinner! This game has turned me into a sinner!"




"Curse you, Mikayla! Why do you continue to torment me!"




"God wants you to make good decisions. It's what He created you to do."




"And winning a million dollars for your family is a GOOD DECISION, douchebag."




Gee. I never thought of it that way.




"You've got to get yourself to the final three. Then, at that point, THAT'S when it's up to God."



So Brandon's father starts working on Coach now, since Brandon isn't able to.

And... uh... this is a first.




"Brandon really believes in you, Coach. Don't let him down."




"From dad to dad. Be good to my boy, and maybe I'll buy you a new Bible or something."




"Anyway, think it over. And praise Jesus."




Coach, naturally, isn't thrilled that there's a new variable he now has to worry about




Especially one who has those patented crazy Hantz eyes



And again... keep in mind that Coach has seen this type of intimidation before.




"These Hantzes, they're all cut from the same cloth."




"He comes out here, and basically tries to bully me."




"Into making sure his son makes it all the way to the end."




Hey Benjamin, don't make me titty twist you. You know I can do it.




"It's all about manipulation and control."




"And the Hantz Family are the kingpins of that."




"I'll run Chuckie the Cheese right the fuck out of business. You know I can do it."








"Be a real shame if something happened to Munch's Make Believe Band. You get me?"




"But I'm not gonna have anyone browbeat me or handcuff me. Or Chuckie."




"The kid's a loose cannon."



And you could argue that Brandon's fate in the game is probably sealed right here.

Because of Mister Hantz, and his bullying, Brandon is now marked for death immediately after Edna.




"Tick tick tick tick tick tick"




"That tick tock is not your time bomb, that's your clock."




Why does "my clock" make me think of Mikayla?




"Brandon, you're about ready to be expired on this island."



And anyway, that's the OTHER big plot point that comes out of the South Pacific loved ones visit.




"Hey Brandon, I hope you took lots of pictures with the new Evo 3D from Sprint."




"The resolution on those pictures is amazing."




"But they'll also be your last ones."



And with that, let's finish up with Edna's last stand at the immunity challenge.




Hey look, it's the Crystal Cox Memorial Pineapple Challenge!




Never forget



The challenge today is to move across the board until you're not able to move anymore.

Last one left standing wins immunity.






And naturally...




"Coach, is this challenge a perfect metaphor for the game of Survivor?"




"Yes, this challenge is incredible."




"It's basically the Evo 3D from Sprint of challenges."




"Yes. Thank you, Coach."







The only real drama today is if Edna is going to be able to win immunity or not.




And guess what? She is not.




Especially when she realizes that Brandon is trying to sabotage her




MY GOOD DECISION TODAY IS THAT I MUST KILL YOU



It also doesn't help her mood that Coach just openly does his Tai-Chi shit right in her face.




Check this out, Edna




Well hey, look at that. It's my path to victory!




Oh I'm sorry. Did I manage to take off my shirt?




Look at these guns, Edna. Dragon! Slayer!
I love that Probst even calls him out over this.




"Hey Coach, what was this?"




"Come on, man, I'm just having fun!"




"Well save it for the pirate! Not me!"
In any case...




Busted


You know I only did that for you, Funny 115 readers
Edna loses the challenge, of course.

But it wouldn't be an episode of South Pacific if Brandon didn't also throw in some extraneous wild card shit.




"Brandon, you've already been eliminated from the challenge. What are you yapping about?"








"You're explaining your strategy?"




"I just wanted to cover enough surface area so that Edna couldn't win."




"The motto of our family today is... Destroy Edna."




"Well, alright then."



And anyway... the "Everyone just shits on Edna" story continues.




"Really? So that's how we're playing it?"




"God told me He thinks she's the devil."




Fuuuuuuuck you, you little troglodyte




Yeah, we might not want to keep Brandon around anymore. He's kind of a problem.



And at the end of the day, Coach wins immunity.




"Coach! Wins his only immunity in Survivor: South Pacific!"




Thank you, oh glorious Evo 3D from Sprint



He even does Probst a favor this time around...




And he doesn't bow during the actual fastening part




"I said stop, dude! You're making it tough!"



And with Coach immune from the vote tonight, that means that it's officially time to lose Edna.








No



And anyway, blah blah blah, there are a lot of red herrings that will be thrown at us now, over whether Brandon should be punished for what he did today, and should actually be voted out first....




"Brandon's a bully. Today he was being a dick."




"Today he was just kicking her when she's down. That's not right!"



But at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.

Because Brandon was always part of the original five, and Edna never was.




Sorry Edna. Tough luck.



And that's why no matter how hard Edna pleads that she should be allowed to stick around a little longer, she never stood a chance.

Because according to THE LAW OF THE CULT, all outsiders go first.




And unfortunately she is an outsider



She goes out kicking and screaming and punching, of course...




"We've been preaching that this tribe is about honor, and integrity!"




"And we're playing this like it's real life!"




"I feel as though the actions of Brandon in the last thirty-two days aren't really consistent with that."



Edna is correct when she says this, of course.

But unfortunately, at the same time, "being correct" doesn't always matter when it comes to Survivor. Because in the case of Survivor... at least in the case of South Pacific... THE LAW OF THE FAMILY always has to come first.




So even though Sophie agrees that Brandon was being a douche...




And even though Coach agrees that Edna doesn't deserve this...



In the end, Edna's logic (correct as it is) isn't going to be able to sway anyone.

Because they all made a pact with each other.

And if any of them want ANY chance to win South Pacific at all, they all have to adhere to that.




"Does honor and integrity include lying to your other tribemates?"




"Does it include all these emotional outbreaks?"




"Compare that to the way I've played."




"I cannot accept the fact that we preach honor and integrity... honor and integrity..."




"And then you allow such behavior to happen! In our camp!"




"Please give me one more day. I feel I've earned it."



Edna makes one last pass around camp, where she tries to oust Brandon...




"Alright Coach, give it to me straight. What can I do?"




"Are you more deserving to stay? Absolutely."








"Are you the Evo 3D from Sprint of my friends? Absolutely."








"But they don't want to send Brandon to Redemption. Have him win. And then come back."



Note: I'm not entirely convinced this is the reason they can't vote for Brandon. But for now we'll just go with it.




"Well then how about this? Would you play your idol for me?"




"No. Because if I use my idol, no one will trust me afterwards."




"If I play the idol, I'm for sure the next person to go."



Coach basically just blames Albert and Sophie for why Edna is going home tonight. He says he can't do anything about it.




It's not my fault Edna, it's all them!




Really?




Yeah but we're still friends though, right?




I don't know. Maybe. We'll see.



And then we end with the infamous scene where Edna promises she'll eat Coach's shit*.

* a sentence that shouldn't exist anywhere in the English language, but I guess, here we are...




"All I need is the two of you to vote for Brandon tonight."




*loud snoring sounds*




"Please?"




Zzzzzzzzz




"I'll eat a piece of his shit if Coach isn't a hundred percent on board with this plan!"




Wait. What's all this, then?




You'll eat Coach's shit?







And anyway... bye Edna.




Who I will flat out admit was one of my favorites



She does manage to make Coach look like a dick in front of the jury members though.

Keep in mind that these are the kinds of little things that probably cost him those jury votes...




"It's too bad we're keeping Brandon around, because..."




"... um... what's our mantra again, Coach?"




"Our mantra is 'honor, loyalty, integrity.'"



And my god, is the jury sick of HEARING THIS SHIT.




Oh god, just shoot me




Really? Integrity?




Ozzy, please just come back and murder them all




"How is what Brandon does to people consistent with honor and integrity?"




"I don't get it."



 And, well, that's it.




"If anyone would like to eat anyone else's shit, now's the time."




No thanks. I'm good.




"Alright. With that, we will vote."
And bye Edna.




If it helps, I even drew a little frowny face




Happy trails, podner. Yee-haw.




Sorry, you're not part of the family




Let me know how Coach's shit tastes, cause I'm not eating it




Into the pit of damnation for the outsider



And with that, the Upolu Five has officially made it all the way to the end.




"That's five, Edna. Please bring up your torch."




Bye Coach. It's gonna be a real fun jury vote.








Good luck blindsiding Brandon next!




I hope he'll have... mushroom... in his heart... to forgive you




Coach, knowing the next vote is probably the Brandon one




And then there were five



And you know, it's funny. When I first started writing this chapter, my plan was to do the Cochran, Edna, and Brandon boots all together in the same chapter. I originally wanted to turn this chapter into sort of a three-for-one deal.




Heh... threesome



But as I was writing it, and I started to put all the jokes in, I started to realize how stupid that original plan was. Because the next episode (the Brandon episode) absolutely HAS to be written as a standalone. That episode is sooo good, and sooo significant to the overall storyline, that it absolutely HAS to be its own chapter. There's no way around it. You can't just cram it here into the end.




Heh... cramming it into the end



In any case, let's wrap this chapter up for now, and let's set the stage for the next one.

The big one.




The important one



Because honestly, how Coach handles Brandon is going to go a long way towards determining why this season ends the way that it does.

And it will go a long way towards determining what Brandon and the other jurors are going to think of Coach when he faces them at the end of the game.




You just did that to ME of all people? Seriously?




Seriously?




Seriously?




Hell yes, seriously!



Also, I happen to think the Brandon episode is one of the single greatest Survivor episodes of all time.







Anyway, we'll read about all that in the next chapter.




For that is God's will









Coming up next, The Blindsiding of Brandon. In a chapter I like to call, naturally... "God's Will."

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