The Funny 115 - The Third One

Ozzy Chapter 11 - The Return of the King



#1. Ozzy Outwits Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long



On the 30th night of South Pacific, a new challenger arrives on Redemption Island.




A new gladiator arrives, and challenges Ozzy to a duel



And as luck would have it, this warrior has red hair, he weighs a hundred and two pounds, and he is clad in a sweater vest.

That's right.

It's South Pacific's most notorious villain.

It's the Dread Pirate Cochran



And by describing Cochran as "the most notorious villain" of South Pacific, of course, this is where we finally come back to the point of this writeup.

I know I've already said it a dozen times before, but I gotta say it one last time. Just to finally drive the point home.

Remember, there isn't just ONE storyline in a Survivor season. There are actually eighteen different storylines. In fact, there are actually more than eighteen different storylines, if you want to include what the players THINK is happening. As opposed to what is generally ACTUALLY happening.

For example, Albert probably thought this season would be all about Albert



In any case, always remember that when you're watching a Survivor season. Just because you see a story one way, that doesn't mean it was the only perspective. It's just the perspective that the editors were choosing to focus on.

It's just the narrator who the producers thought would be the most interesting for that part.

For example, in Cochran's story, the Savaiis were all assholes to him

And they all needed to be taken down

And it was going to be awesome



And that's fine. That's a perfectly good story.

If I was writing THAT story, you know I'd be tearing the Savaiis a new asshole right about here. Just because, as we saw in the episodes, they treated Cochran like shit. And what happened to them because they treated Cochran like shit was incredibly funny, of course.

If you're telling the story of Cochran.

Cochran's storyline in South Pacific, in a nutshell



However...

This particular writeup is NOT the story of Cochran. This is the story of Ozzy.

And that makes a really big difference.

Because I'm sorry. Because if you flip it around now, and you tell the story of Ozzy...

If Ozzy becomes your new central character...

Then I'm sorry, but Cochran's the bad guy



In fact, Cochran isn't just a bad guy in the story of Ozzy.

He's one of the single biggest assholes of all time



Because, of course...

He's the weasel who ruined everything for everyone



Which, of course, soon led to this.

*smuff*



So yeah, I have nothing against Cochran as a player, or as a person. None of this writeup is personal.

But if you're telling the story of Ozzy, and you're ONLY telling the story of Ozzy...

... then seriously, fuck that guy

This villain needs to go DOWN



So anyway, let's get back to Ozzy finally getting his revenge.

Revenge against the biggest villain of South Pacific.

So Cochran arrives on Redemption on the night of Day 30

Here comes Benedict Harvard



And Ozzy's reaction to seeing him is pretty predictable, of course.




Just kidding.

Here's his reaction.

"Oh, Cochran."

"Cochran, Cochran, Cochran. Whyyyyyyy?"



And even though they're not really fans of one another, we do at least get this cute little exchange.

"I don't think I did real well."

"Yeah, no shit."



And anyway, Ozzy has to sit there now, and listen to Cochran's dumb little sob story.

"I learned my lesson though. I got humiliated."

"Oh well. It happens to the best of us."



And you know what? Ozzy's right.

He knows EXACTLY what it's like when you get humiliated.

In fact, it actually happened to him.

Not too long ago



So Ozzy and Cochran sit there, and they just chat for a while.

They sit and talk about days of yore

And things that never will be



And of course, it's pretty obvious how angry Cochran is at the Upolus right now.

That face you make when you realize what they just did to you

"It's insulting. What they did to me."

"They just used me."



And you know how Ozzy has been good at hoarding up jury votes out here on Redemption?

Well here comes a pleasant, unexpected surprise.

He suddenly has a chance to get Cochran's.

"Well, vote for me if I make it to the end. We'll show them."

"Yeah, maybe I should."

"You totally should. It would make Coach so mad."

"I do like the idea of making Coach mad right about now."



And they eventually agree that if either one of them makes it to the end, they'll vote for the other one to win.

Just to, you know, stick it to the Upolus.

"Wouldn't that be awesome? If one of us won?"



And we end this scene with one of my favorite cute little moments of the season.

In fact, I love this next scene so much that I already wrote an entire entry about it. 

Cochran: "Yeah, but what if I demolish you in a duel?"

Cochran: "How come that's not talked about as a possibility?"

Ozzy: "Yeah, I guess we should consider that."



Which leads to one of the greatest Survivor editor's jokes of all time.

Cochran: "Do I have a chance of beating you?"

Ozzy: "You have a chance."

Ozzy: "Everyone has a chance."



And immediately cut to...

"He really doesn't stand a chance."



Ha ha ha. I just love that little moment.

Cochran's about to get posterized*

*- when you get dunked on so hard, you wind up on a wall poster



So anyway, as Ozzy is shoring up Cochran's jury vote out on Redemption Island, let's head back to the players who are still in the game.

Let's see how things are going for Coach.

Hey, here's how it's going for Coach

It's not going well



Why do I say it's not going well?

Well, because as Ozzy is currently becoming BFFs with Cochran...

Coach's BFF is about to break up with him.

That's right. Today's the day he's going to piss off Edna.

And, of course, lose her to Ozzy as a potential jury vote



I'm not going to recap all the drama that goes down with Edna this episode, because this isn't an Edna entry. But here's the shorter Cliffs Notes version, if you need to be reminded of everything.

So it's Day 31, and everyone on Upolu is pretty beaten down by now



And in a moment of him just being fucking crazy weakness...

... it appears Brandon has said something he probably shouldn't have said



And just what did he say?

Well, he pointed out that Edna is going to be voted out next

To Edna

Because she's not really part of the family like the rest of them are



And... uh...

Way to go, Brandon.

So Edna gets mad

And she storms off

"What the fuck did you just do, you little halfling?"




"Sorry Coach, I was just Jesusing."



So Coach spends the rest of the day trying to placate Edna.




"Are you okay now? Can I see that cute little smile?"

"No! You guys are all assholes!"

"I thought you said we were all equals!"

"Do you want to hear a new Chuckie joke?"

"No! I actually do NOT!"



And this, of course, is where we stand as we head to the duel.

Where Edna's just pissed at everyone



Anyway, file that away for later.

Edna is going to HATE her alliance by the end of the day.

"You knew, Coach! You KNEW I was next, and you pretended I wasn't!"



Which is going to be FANTASTIC for Ozzy.

Heh heh heh



And with that, let's go head to the duel.

"Come on in, guys!"

The guys

"Are you two ready to duel?"



Oh wait, shit. I forgot something.

Sorry. Going by tradition, I have to throw this part in first.

Because we mustn't forget what probably happened earlier that morning.

"Hey Cochran, check out this fish!"

"Oh wow, look at that."

"It's even slimier than Albert!"

"Can you cut the bones out of it first, and make it into a fish stick? 

"My mom usually does that."

"Yeah!"

"Let's eat!"

"Hmm, maybe Jeff was right. Maybe Ozzy really IS one of my favorites."



Sorry, just had to include that, because that's how it works.

With that out of the way, let's head back to the duel.

"Are you two ready to square off?"

If by square off you mean get this over with, then yes

"Oh, and did I mention there's also a big twist today?"



Oh yeah, I guess I forgot to mention that.

It just so turns out that...

In addition to the staying in the game, the winner of today's duel will also get to decide...

Which one of the Upolus gets to visit their loved one

"That's right, one of you will determine who will get love."



It turns out that, waiting out in the jungle, are all the loved ones for the cult members.

Oh shit, I'm gonna have to do something political today

Or maybe I am

Yes. Or maybe you are.



And then immediately cut to...

"He's not going to do anything political today."



Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Okay, back to the duel

"Today, like usual, you'll be competing like the gladiators in Ancient Rome."

"You'll be competing to the death."

For those who are about to die, we salute you

"You'll be solving a children's table maze."



Okay, so it's not quite as dramatic as it's supposed to be.

But it's still pretty fun.

So they get out there, and they try to solve a fourth grade table maze



And in one of the unlikeliest events in the history of Survivor...

Cochran actually pulls out ahead

At one point, it looks like Cochran might actually win this thing



Of course, he doesn't actually beat Ozzy in a duel. Because, I mean, honestly how could he?

But still... for a while there, it's actually CLOSE.

And of course, as usual, the Upolus are all cheering against Ozzy

"Beat Ozzy! Please!"

"Keep fighting, Nerd Boy!"

"Please save me! I think Edna's a temptress!"

Really? You guys like me again?

"No, we just really hate Ozzy!"



And, of course, we can't leave out this part.

Where Coach gives Cochran the most half-hearted thumbs up ever

"Um sure, beat Ozzy. Good luck."
-Marcus Aurelius



Anyway, Ozzy wins the duel. Eventually.

Because of course he does.

"Ozzy! Avoids embarrassment!"

"Ozzy barely beats a modern superfan in a duel!"

Wow! That was close.



And with that, Cochran officially says his goodbyes.

"Take down the cult for me, will you? They're all assholes."

"Wouldn't that be incredible, Cochran. If one of us actually won?"



And everyone has to pretend that they're happy about this.

And there was much rejoicing for Ozzy. Yay.



And of course, Probst is practically hard over the fact that his two alpha male returnees are now THIS much closer to squaring off against each other in the finale.

Two dominant men in the finals. I can just see it.

If only I had a podcast one day where I could fap over this



So we say farewell to Cochran now.

Who, I should point out, is INCREDIBLY complimentary to Ozzy on his way out.

Just in case you weren't paying attention.

"It was an honor to lose to him."

"Ozzy is one of the most competent challenge dominators in the history of this game."

You're right, you know

"I can't believe I got to hear you say "Come on in, guys" before each challenge."

"I WAS ONE OF THE GUYS! HE WAS TALKING ABOUT ME!"



And Ozzy does everything he can to make sure they're friends as Cochran heads off to that jury.

"Good job, bro."

"And remember, when I say bro, I'm talking about YOU."

"You were the bro."



And with that, Cochran takes his little purse, and he goes home.

And that makes FIVE probable Ozzy jury votes now



That's right, there are now FIVE people on the jury who want nothing to do with an Upolu member winning this game.

Ozzy's fan club



Which means, basically, that at this point in the game, all Ozzy has to do is make it to the finals, and he wins.

Five votes is going to be IMPOSSIBLE for anyone to overcome. Especially in a nine person jury.

Ozzy already has the five votes he needs to guarantee a win.

And Upolu is clearly not real happy about this



After the big revenge duel with Cochran, we get the surprise loved ones twist.

Where Ozzy gets to pick who gets to see their loved one from home.

Hmm. Which choice will get me some more bonus jury votes?



This scene isn't really important to Ozzy's storyline, so I'm going to skip the whole thing for now.

But don't worry. We'll talk about it much more when we get to the Sophie chapters.

It's much more important to HER storyline.

You asshole. I can't believe you didn't pick me.



In any case, Ozzy picks a couple of loved ones for these weirdos.

And they all get invited to hang out on Redemption Island for the day.

"Hey look, it's an Evo 3D from Sprint."

"You guys can all take pictures and shit."

"I don't want to see pictures of your dong, Lusth. PG pictures only."



And anyway, let's head out to the loved ones visit.

So on Day 31, they all arrive at Ozzy's home to hang out



Although, fun little trivia fact...

If you look close, you can see the branch where Matt Elrod once set up a noose



And when they get there, Ozzy greets them the way you should always greet an Upolu Cult Member.




Sorry, that's twice now.

Buzz is becoming my new favorite callback.

Anyway, Ozzy greets his new visitors

And they all take the tour

And Coach "accidentally" takes six dozen pictures of himself. For his own private spank bank.



And whatever.

The only thing that's particularly important for Ozzy's storyline is this following scene.

Where Coach pulls Ozzy aside

And the Upolu leader offers him a final three deal



This is a rather ridiculous conversation, even by Coach standards.

But for purposes of this writeup, I mean, what the heck.

Let's remember it.

"I'm not gonna B.S. you, man. I'm always gonna be straight with you, right?"

No you're not

"And I want you to be straight with me."

Sure, let's pretend that

"I want you to keep this conversation confidential, okay?"

Yeah, I'll try not to tell all the fish

"As soon as you get back from Redemption, whether it be either at six or five..."

"... I've got the perfect final three scenario."

Oh?

"You. Me. One other person."

But... why?

"Because I'm a masochist. And I want my ass handed to me in a jury vote."

"I want to get spanked HARD."



Okay, he doesn't really say that last part.

But that's basically what Ozzy hears.

"Here's the deal, I bring you to the end, and you crush me."

"Sound good?"

Actually... yeah. It sounds great.

"Good. We're on the same page, then."



Like I said, it's a rather ridiculous conversation, even by Coach standards.

But you know Coach.

And you know that Coach is going to do Coach things.

Coach things



This scene is definitely a Coach thing.

"I'm giving you my word, dude, as a Christian man."

"One scholarship to college. Courtesy of Michael Scott."

"Okay, man. Let's do it."



Anyway, file that scene away for later now, too.

Because let me let you in on a little secret here.

(whispers) Coach is probably not going to honor this



And with that, let's now get to the final two jury votes that Ozzy is going to tack on here at the end.

Just as... as, you know...

As bonus points.

For starters...
Remember how I said he's already got five jury votes pretty much guaranteed already?



Well there are two more jurors EXACTLY like that, coming right behind those five.

Because here come two more backstabbed, pissed-off, humiliated Upolu members.

Let's jump to Day 32, to the Pineapple Challenge

This is the challenge where Edna is forced out by people she thought were her friends

And they do it quite obviously



And remember how Edna was already pissed off at the way the Upolus were treating her?

WHY, Coach? WHY??



Well... this doesn't help.




Hey guys, let's all gang up on Edna

"So, was that intentional, Brandon?"




"Yes sir."

"I just wanted to cover enough surface area so that Edna couldn't win."

You cruel motherfucker

Brandon, why are you the way that you are?



Although at the end of the day, Brandon isn't going to wind up taking the political hit for all this.

Coach is.

"I was unlucky enough not to be on the beach that first day."

"And now I'm feeling the repercussions of that."

"I was never a part of Coach's little beach group."



Anyway, long story short, Edna is voted out of the cult next.

"These people just SUCK!"



She tries to appeal to Coach on the way out.

To do something about Brandon.

To treat her at least with a little dignity.

Hey, I've got an idea. How about we get rid of the Hantz?

You know what? Nah.



And that's how Edna becomes the sixth member of Ozzy's little anti-Upolu brigade.

"I cannot accept the fact that we preach honor and integrity... honor and integrity..."

"And then you allow Brandon's behavior! In our camp!"

"Are you really going to do that?"



Well guess what, Edna?

They're really going to do that.

*smuff*



Although even though this isn't an Edna chapter, I gotta include this next part.

Just because it shows what a landslide Ozzy is marching towards in a potential jury vote.

"It's too bad we're keeping Brandon around, cause..."

"What's our mantra again, Coach?"

"Our mantra is 'honor, loyalty, integrity.'"



And this is where a reader of mine once pointed out, how could anyone watch this season, and think Coach was actually getting a winner edit??

One look at the jurors is all you need to know about that.

Coach 100% isn't going to win this season.

It's obvious.

The jurors reacting to Coach's mantra being honor, loyalty, and integrity

Jesus Christ, this guy is a hypocrite

Oh my god, this guy probably isn't even a real dragon slayer

I wonder how this jury vote's gonna go against Ozzy



And in a roundabout way, this is how Ozzy winds up with his sixth juror.

'Cause the very next morning...

"Hey Edna, check out this fish!"

Oh wow, look at that

"It's even more spineless than Coach!"

"We're gonna be feasting!"

I love you, Ozzy Lusth!

Thank you for treating me with dignity!



And then, as always...

Feed 'em and Defeat 'em.

"Are you guys ready to duel today?"

Yep

"Well, today you guys are in for the fight of your lives."

"You'll be doing a spinny puzzle."

A spinny puzzle



And as usual...

Even though the Upolus are cheering on Anyone But Ozzy Edna

Let's go, Not Ozzy Edna!



In the end, Ozzy still wins.

Same as he always does.




"EDNA! GREEN GOES ON THE TOP! LET'S GO!!"




"Ozzy is truly alone in this game."



Even though Edna is leading for most of the puzzle (with help from the Upolus), Ozzy steals the win from her right at the last minute.




"Jeff, I got it."








"Ozzy! Wins the duel! And stays alive!"




No!




No!

Well, this really isn't optimal



And with that, Ozzy now has a sixth juror (out of six) who is probably going to vote for him.




I did it! I can't believe I just won that!




Great job, Ozzy. Beat them all for me. They all suck.



Even Jeff has started to acknowledge that Ozzy's story has officially taken over this season at this point.

Everyone else out here (even Coach) is becoming just some unimportant old secondary character.




"Ozzy, with every win of a duel, you get one step closer to getting back in the game."




You're right




"You really ARE going to come and to beat them."




Makes sense. Those are two things I do.



Because like I said, Ozzy now has SIX jurors who are probably going to vote for him now.




Six people who aren't real fond of Upolu right now




"Thanks for the jury votes. See you guys soon."



Oh and, by the way, want Ozzy to tack on a SEVENTH juror?

Well you're in luck.

Because here's a pretty foolproof way to add a seventh anti-Upolu juror into the mix.




First, you take a kid who has an unwavering belief in religion




"You know who has never let me down before? God."




You take a kid who has unshakable trust in his friends




"I've never really had friends in my life I could trust before."




"But these people, I trust them."




"I trust the Upolus."



And you know what you do?

You blindside that kid, and you embarrass him.






And then you tell him you did it in God's name.







And you know what? That's it. That's how you do it.

That's the ideal way to create a SEVENTH juror who is probably going to be against the Upolus.




Jesus Christ, Coach. You're the worst.




Also, fucking work on your hugging etiquette



I'm not going to recap the whole Brandon episode of South Pacific, because it's not really necessary in the story of Ozzy. But oh my god is it a fantastic episode. It's EASILY one of my ten favorite Survivor episodes of all time. It's so dark and tragic and fascinating.




And it certainly gets a reaction out of the jury



For purposes of keeping this chapter short, let's just say that Brandon is NOT very happy with the Upolus at the end of his Survivor experience.

Especially because of what Coach and Albert just did to him.




Big scumbag




Big scumbag



And as Brandon heads off to Redemption...




*smuff*



And the jury informs Coach that they're not very fond of him...




Oh this final Tribal is gonna be funnnnnnn



It's not hard to see that Ozzy just picked up what is probably his seventh jury vote.




Lucky seven



That's seven out of seven, of course.

If you're scoring at home.




Man, you guys really want Ozzy to win this, don't you?



Oh yeah, and speaking of them wanting Ozzy to win this...

I love this cute little moment at the end of the Brandon episode.




"Tomorrow you will witness the final duel."




"Ozzy or Brandon will be re-entering this game."




YES!!




No matter which one comes back, we'll get CARNAGE!!



But mostly...




Go Ozzy!!



And even though this is technically the last thing we see going into the finale, I'm going to throw the final duel into this chapter instead.

Just because it fits the story of Ozzy better.




So Ozzy wakes up to meets Brandon. His final competitor.




When the crazy neighbor moves in next door




"I just got blindsided, man. Coach, Sophie, and Rick."



Note that Brandon doesn't even mention Albert here.

At the moment, Coach, Sophie, and Rick are currently the three on his shit list.




So Ozzy and Brandon sit around, and they chat




They talk about the history of Euclidean geometry, or whatever




"Do you believe in the five postulates? 'Cause I sure don't."



And then Brandon gives us a pretty good insight into what he thinks of the Upolus right now.




"Ozzy, if you get back in the game, go as hard as you can."




"Give it everything you've got. For me."




Ozzy, of course, promises he'll do this




He'll come so hard on them that it's gonna be a big mess



And anyway, like I said...




Ozzy's basically got seven jury votes locked up now



And for purposes of the writeup, let's end this section the same way we started it.

'Cause the very next morning...




"Hey Brandon, check out this fish!"




Oh wow, look at that




"It's gonna be even saltier than Sophie!"




"I guess God provided for us!"




"..."




"..."




"... yeah! God provided us!"




"Oh wow! I love you and God!"




"But mostly God!"




"That's fine! That still counts!"



And we ease into Ozzy's final "Eat 'em and Defeat 'em" with this...




"Hey, great news! It's a challenge about obscure Bible trivia!"




"I think I'll do pretty well in that!"



Just kidding.

We ease into it with this...




The final duel. Only one will return.




"To the end, my friend."
"To the end."




So they hug








"That's enough hug, Ozzy. Stop tempting my marriage."



And with that, the editors give us one last heroic confessional.

Where our hero officially sums up his storyline for us.




"I've been on Redemption Island for over two weeks."




"I've been fishing better than I ever have in my life."




"I've been eating better than I have in any Survivor game I have ever played."




"I've been preparing myself for this one duel."




"And if I win, I get back in the game."



It's the type of heroic confessional (with the accompanying heroic music in the background) that only a legend like Ozzy could really pull off.

It's very majestic.




"... anyway, that's how I creampied four different princesses."



Whoops. Fast forward, fast forward. Skip over that last part.

Let's get back to the heroic confessional.




"Redemption Island has become home to me."




"And I love it here. I really do."




"I've found out things about myself that I never would have imagined."




"For example, I'm really, really amazing in challenges."




Let the king rule his kingdom. For one final day.




"I can't say I won't miss this place, because I will."




"I really will miss Redemption."




"But I'm also so excited to get back in the game, and get back to real life."




"Possibly... with a million dollars."



And you know what?

I don't know if we could have ended this section with any more appropriate final words.

Those were Ozzy's PERFECT final words.

They were glorious.




I'm Ozzy Lusth. And I approve of this message.



And then we head to the final duel of the game with this.

The final words that were actually even MORE fitting.




"Hey who was that hot one on your tribe? Mikayla?"




"What can you tell me about her? Is she available?"



Alright, let's finish this off.




Luckily for Ozzy, it turns out the final duel of the season is NOT obscure Bible trivia




"In honor of Ozzy, we picked the most phallic challenge we could find."




"You'll be riding the pole."




"Last one holding onto the pole comes back in the game."




"Basically."




Motherfucker. This guy is stealing my bit.




"The winner of today's duel gets to go back in the game."




"Win today, and you still have a chance at the million dollars."




"Win today, and you get to make a fool out of Coach."




"You guys ready for this?"




Turns out they are







And with that, let's watch Ozzy feed him and defeat him.




You know what, Brandon? I think God kinda prefers me to win today.




"Go Ozzy!"




Sorry man. God and I cut a final three deal a couple of days ago.




Damnit



So Ozzy climbs up to the top of his pole.

Just for style points.




God says he wants me up here




Well, this sucks



And Brandon just sort of hangs there, kind of lifelessly.




You guys are right, this does suck



And then in Brandon's final wild card move of the game...




He eventually bursts into flame, and he ascends into Heaven




Whoa. Now THAT'S a big move!



And that's how Ozzy finds his way back in the game.




"Ozzy! Stays alive! And is back in this game!"




Damnit




Damnit




God damnit



And we wrap up Ozzy's stay on Redemption with this one final scene.




"Welcome back, Ozzy."




Thanks, bro




"Ozzy, you've been an underdog since day one."




"Well, not really."




"I mean, I am the most dominant challenge beast in Survivor history."




"Statistically, there was always a pretty good chance I could get to the end."




"Plus, I'm a returning legend. And the women all love me."




"Shut up. Let's record that again."




"Just stick to my narrative, Lusth."




"Ozzy. You've been an underdog since day one."




You're right. I have been.




"And here you are. Back in this game, on day thirty-six."




"Yes, I had a conversation with Satan. Satan gave me the strength."




Oh Jesus Christ, this season



And with that, let's introduce Ozzy back into the funhouse that is South Pacific.




"I have to thank them, actually, for sending me to Redemption."








"I spent the last fifteen days pushing myself every single day."




"With the hopes that if I do make it back to this final stretch."




"That I'll come harder than I've ever been able to."



And you know what?

THOSE are the perfect final words to end this chapter on.

Thanks for helping me out, Ozzy.




"You hear that, guys? He's gonna come on you, hard."




Oh great. Now we're all stuck in the Pleasure Dome.



And anyway...

Welcome back, Ozzy.




The king has returned





In the final Ozzy chapter, our hero runs the game all the way up to the final challenge. And then... um...

... well, let's just say that he does very well. (coming all over soon)

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