The Funny 115 - The Third One




#1. Coach Finally Masters Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long



Okay, we're now in the finale of Survivor: South Pacific.

Which is unfortunate when it comes to Coach's storyline, because... well... you pretty much already know.

Slayer Slayed



Even though the finale is pretty much one hundred percent "Sophie just curbstomps everyone"... and even worse for Coach, it is also basically "Sophie murders Coach so hard that at this point she should probably be represented by Public Defender Eliza Orlins"...

Even though both of those things are true, there ARE a couple of fun moments for Coach in the finale as well.

So let's focus on those parts instead. One last time.

Before we officially turn this entry over to Ozzy and Sophie.

Coach isn't gonna be smiling much during this finale, let's just leave it at that



Oh yeah! Although before we get to the finale, I have to share an interesting theory with you, about Coach. This is a theory I came up with the other day, as I was writing the Brandon chapter. And it's not even something I intended to include in this entry. It's just something that crossed my mind as I was writing about what happened to Brandon, and why, and how everything went down. And because it's something I haven't seen anyone talk about, EVER, in any essay, or any message board post, about South Pacific, I thought it would be fun to throw it out there for you.

Anyway... so here's my theory. Let me know if you think there is any truth to this.

Do you remember how the downfall of Brandon (and essentially, also Coach's chances with the jury) started?

It started when Albert wanted to get rid of Sophie



Albert came up to Coach, and Albert mentioned...

... very astutely, I might add...

"We need to get rid of Sophie. She's the number one threat."



And of course you know what happened when Albert mentioned that.

"I disagree with that, totally."



Coach not only shut that shit down. He shut that shit down, HARD.

There was no way Coach would even ENTERTAIN the idea of getting rid of Sophie at that point.

"We need Sophie. She's too valuable."

"Oh... and also... fuck you, baseball."



And it was the way Coach instantly shut that down that got me thinking of something.

You know, a lot has been made over the years about Albert, and how ineffective Albert was at any of his overthrows. Go onto any Survivor message board these days, and look for any old thread about Albert and South Pacific, and I can guarantee you will find a sentiment like this at some point near the top. You will almost always find some paragraph like, "Albert sucked at Survivor, because he was never able to get anything going against Coach. Which proves that Albert just wasn't very good at Survivor. The idiot deserved those zero votes."

And this is where I like to point out that Albert's name on Twitter literally is...




Albert is SO synonymous with failure on Survivor, and repeated failure on Survivor, and not getting a single jury vote, that it made me stop and think about WHY he failed so often on Survivor. Because as you saw in my example above, a lot of the time Albert did indeed have the right idea. It was probably the right idea at the final five to get rid of Sophie. I think he was a hundred percent right about that.

She's going to beat you in a final jury vote, Coach. You're walking right into a trap.



And the more I thought about this, the more I started to think back to the rest of the season. And I started to think about how adamant Coach was that Sophie was ALWAYS going to be a member of the power core. No matter what, every time you see Coach talk about Sophie, he always makes a point to mention how good she is at everything, and how smart she is, and how great she is, and how much the Upolus need someone like her.

Sophie is our secret weapon. She's our one weapon we have who can possibly stop Ozzy.



And because of this, the minute anyone even DARES to suggest that maybe Sophie is getting too dangerous, and that she needs to go home, what you see is the exact same reaction from Coach that we just saw with Albert.

He digs his heels in the sand, and says NO



And not only that...

"Albert thinks we need to get rid of Sophie. He's just jealous of her!"



The thing that stands out to me in these scenes (not just here, but in other South Pacific scenes too) is that Coach has this almost pathological quest that he wants to keep Sophie around. He practically NEEDS to keep Sophie around. She is the one, and only, person who he won't even LISTEN to when other people suggest she needs to go home.

Even if she's starting to get incredibly dangerous...

Even if Coach flat out admits she's the strongest one here...

Even if he openly talks about how she's the smartest one in the game...

The minute ANYONE suggests that Sophie should go home, Coach instantly gets hostile.

You know Coach, I love you. I love you like a brother.

I love you like a brother too, Brandon. We'll always be brothers in Christ.

And that's why I'm worried that Sophie's too dangerous

I think she needs to go home

That's interesting. Because God and I think you're fucked in the head.



And this is where we get to the point that I wanted to make.

Think about what Coach used to do for a living. Think of what he was known for before he went on Survivor. Just think about that for a second.

He was a women's college soccer coach



I think it's entirely possible that Coach saw this 21-year old college student like Sophie, who was smart, and was athletic, and was good at pretty much anything she set her mind to. And she was a leader. And she was impressively feisty. And most of all, SHE WAS ALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME AS EVERYONE HE HAD EVER COACHED. And I think he instantly felt very protective of her. And I think his instincts to "coach" her got in the way of his instincts to "play Survivor" against her. And I think that's why he would get so stubborn the minute anyone even suggested they'd maybe want to get rid of her.

Hey Coach, you know I'll always tell you the truth. I said I'd look out for you.

And I'll look out for you too. I said I had your back, and I will.

And that's why I think we need to get rid of Sophie. She's bad for morale.

And that's why you should probably stick to Shark Tank

Because that's just asinine



In any case, I don't know if there's any truth to this theory or not. It's just something that jumped out at me when I was watching these last few episodes. Coach is incredibly protective of Sophie. And no matter what anyone says (even when Albert lays the whole thing out for him, very logically), Coach is NOT going to have it. There is no way he is EVER going to turn on Sophie. Even if... when you look at it on paper... even if it is entirely in his best interest... he is not gonna do it.

And to me, that makes the ending of South Pacific, where Sophie eventually beats him, especially poignant.

Because in a way, it's almost as if he handed it to her



And please note that I'm not trying to take anything away from Sophie when I say this. She absolutely kicks Coach's ass in the finale. In fact, she kicks everyone's ass. Her last few days in South Pacific is easily one of the greatest performances I have ever seen from anyone in any of the Survivor finales. And we'll be sure to get into that when we get to the Sophie chapters. Don't worry, at the end of the day, this is absolutely a "Sophie won Survivor" entry, and not, like the producers would prefer, a "Coach lost."

For now, all I wanted to do was point out my theory. I wanted to point out that I believe there's a reason Coach tanked so hard right at the end, when he should have had the eye of the tiger. And I believe there's a reason Albert failed so hard at just about everything he tried in the game, and it wasn't because he was bad at Survivor. I believe the key variable in the middle there was Sophie. Or, more importantly, the fact that Coach was so goddamn protective of Sophie. Because no matter what anyone said, no matter how many red flags were coming flying his way, no matter how many warnings he got that she was getting too dangerous to keep around, he wasn't going to ever, ever, EVER turn on her.

I believe Coach's protectiveness over his "star player" was the blind spot that got him.

Oh, and also... she was willing to bury her opponent at the end...

And Coach wasn't



And as James Clement would be the first one to tell you...

Burying a person can be fun



And with that, let's go through Coach getting absolutely massacred here in the finale.

Don't worry. Unlike Sophie... I'll try to be merciful.

We begin the finale with Brandon explaining to Ozzy what just happened to him



Naturally, Brandon is upset that the Upolus just fucking backstabbed him (and he seems to hold them ALL responsible for what happened to him, not just Coach). But what's interesting about this particular scene is the way the editors are going to present it to us in the TV episode.

I mean, if you want to see a curious little editing choice in this episode, that has a number of possible interpretations behind why it was presented this way, and not some other way, check this out...

So Ozzy and Brandon bond, and they start laughing at the savageness of the Upolus

"They fucking got me, man. Coach, Sophie, and Rick."



Note that Brandon doesn't even MENTION Albert here. He only mentions Coach, Sophie, and Rick.

Which is odd to me, because in theory Albert is the one who set his ass up the hardest.

But then... that all gets canceled out in the very next scene... where they show Brandon saying THIS...

"It hurts to get stabbed in the back by your best friend."

"Your closest friend."



I know, man. It must have hurt when Coach stabbed you right in the back. That must have been...

"But it's okay. I forgive Albert for what he did. And I hope he learns from it."



Wait. What?

So now ALBERT was his best friend in the game? And not COACH?

Since WHEN?

"Albert's my best friend. And I forgive him."



The reason I'm highlighting this confessional is because I find it very suspicious how it is presented here.

The reason I'm suspicious of it is because what this confessional doing... is basically going out of its way to change the narrative that we've been presented with all along. That Brandon and Coach were BFFs in the game, and that they had this inseparable bond. And that the bond they had was probably the closest bond in the game, far more than any of the other bonds.

I mean, how many times did we see little moments like this?



If we follow the story that has been presented to us up to this point in the episodes, then Brandon shouldn't really be all that upset about what Albert did to him. The person Brandon should be REALLY upset with is Coach.

You know... the guy who was his ethical mentor figure



But Brandon doesn't appear to be angry at Coach at all.

In the only confessional we see, the only person who he mentions did something shady to him was Albert.

"I forgive Albert for what he did. And I hope he learns from it."



And again, these are the kinds of little editing tricks that have a REALLY, REALLY big impact on the way you watch this show as a viewer. And until you read this section right now, I bet you barely even noticed it.

After watching this scene, who do you think was actually the shadiest in what happened to Brandon? Albert.

You think that because Brandon just told you that.

"Albert was my best friend. But I forgive him."



But did you notice that the editors left out all of Brandon's comments about Coach? Did you notice they didn't even MENTION what he thought about what the most ethical person in the game... aka, the guy who also happened to be Brandon's Christian mentor figure... just did to him?

For all we know, the other part of that Brandon confessional could have been something like this.

"Coach claimed he's a noble man, but he's not."

"Coach is actually a serpent."

"And we all know what happens to the serpent in the end. The serpent gets burned."

"Your time in judgement will come, Coach Wade."



Again, I'm not saying that's what Brandon actually said. I'm just saying it's what he COULD have said. And to be honest, I'm guessing it's probably close to how he actually felt. There are reports that right after Brandon was voted out of the game, he was crying. He was sobbing over what the Upolus had done to him. And how they had used Jesus against him. Apparently it had REALLY upset him.

To me, it really was one of the saddest votes ever



And then when we get his first confessional about it afterwards, where he talks about it?

And he only mentions what he thinks of ALBERT now?

No mention of all what he thinks about COACH?

"Albert was my best friend in the world, and he snaked me."



Producer (Off camera): "And what about Coach? Do you think Coach lied to you too?"

"I just want to repeat myself. Albert is terrible."



In any case, THAT'S why I am suspicious of this particular confessional. And that's why I'm suspicious of the way it is presented. I think it's only there because the producers want you to be angry at Albert, and they want you to completely forget about Coach. They want you to hope Albert gets buried in that final Tribal, and they want you to think that Coach still has a really good chance.

And again, it seems rudimentary, but that's exactly what is GOING to happen when it comes to 99.99% of reality TV fans in the world. They are going to fall for the edit, and the only thing they are going to think after watching this scene is...

"Man, that Albert's a douche!"



And anyway, I just wanted to point out that little editing trick to you. And I wanted to point out that the editors do sneaky little tricks like this to you all the time.

Coach SHOULD be absolutely buried by Brandon in that next-day confessional. But he's not. And why isn't he? Well because the editors simply left out the Coach part of the confessional. You come out of that scene thinking that Albert is the only one that Brandon is upset with.

"Let me repeat. Albert, and ONLY Albert, did something terrible to me."



Producer (Off camera): "But not Coach?"

"The only sin Coach ever committed was he listened to Albert."



Do you really think the interview went down that way? Yeah, neither do I.

Oh and... in any case... Brandon pretty much gives away what he thinks of Coach and the Upolus later in the scene.

It turns out he's not real thrilled with them.

"Hey Ozzy, if you get back in the game, go as hard as you can and give it everything you got."

"Beat the Upolus. For me."



And with that, let's head back to camp.

And let's see all of the messy fallout over the Brandon vote.

Coach is a little bit shellshocked, of course. Because that shit was rough.



And Sophie... of course... is let's just say... a little bit LESS shellshocked.

She's so thrilled she can barely stop from laughing out loud.

"Tribal was crazy. But it was fantastic!"



And just WHY is Sophie so thrilled about what just went down with poor Brandon?

"Brandon made one of the stupidest moves ever to be made, and gave his necklace away."

"And I think the great thing is..."

"Albert not giving back the necklace seemed like a really cowardly move in front of the jury."

"Albert just blew up his own game."



Producer (Off camera): "But not Coach? Coach didn't also blow up his own game?"

"No, let me repeat. Albert, and only Albert, did something cowardly tonight."



Again, note that Sophie only comments on what Albert did tonight. She doesn't even mention what Coach did. It's the EXACT same thing that just happened a moment ago, with Brandon.

Although... personally... if I were to play Albert's Devil's Advocate, I would guess that the REASON her confessional is presented the same way as Brandon's is actually much different. With Brandon, I feel like the editors were trying to protect Coach. They didn't want you to come out of that scene being angry at Coach. They wanted you to be angry at Albert.




"Because Coach is SO pure that only a devil like Albert could corrupt him."



With Sophie's confessional, I don't think the editors are trying to trick you at all. In Sophie's confessional, I think the reasoning behind it is actually just a lot more blunt.

The reason Sophie only comments on Albert... I'm guessing... is because Albert is the only player in the game she is actually threatened by.

She doesn't comment on Coach, because she thinks that Coach is a tool.




"There's only one player in the game I am actually scared of right now."




"And he just completely blew up his game tonight."




"Why else do you think I am smiling?!"



Producer (Off camera): "And what about Coach? What do you think about Coach?"




"I think Coach is incredibly excited that the jury knows that Albert's a turd."




"Coach now has a really good chance to maybe get second place."



And again, I don't know if Sophie would have said this last part out loud.

But I have a feeling she definitely THOUGHT it.




Anyway, yada yada yada, the Upolus stand around, and they basically all just yell at each other for a while




And Albert continues to deny that he knew that Brandon was going home tonight



And Coach tells him he disapproves of this.




"That was really sucky, Albert."




"And remember, we don't want to be Sucky. We want to be Chuckie."
And this is where Albert really sort of gets ostracized by the rest of the tribe.




"Albert, what I don't understand is...  I don't understand the little lies."




"Because if there's little lies, then there's gonna be big lies."



And then we get this staggeringly beautiful confessional from Coach.

Which, honestly, is the sort of stuff that makes my job writing Coach entries oh so much easier.

As a comedy writer, what he does is he basically just hands it to me.




"Albert KNEW that Brandon was going home tonight!"




"There's no sense to that lie. Just own yourself!"




"Own your actions!"




"I'm sick of people coming out here, and trying to look like they're holier than thou!"




Yeah Coach, acting holier than thou would suck, wouldn't it?




"I won't stand for any more of this jury politicking!"




"Hamming it up for the other side! It's ridiculous!"




And hey, here's Coach not hamming it up for the other side




And hey, here's Coach not hamming it up for the other side




And hey, here's Coach not hamming it up for the other side




And hey, here's Coach not hamming it up for the other side




Yeah Coach, hamming it up for the jurors is annoying, isn't it?



Coach follows it up with his beloved catchphrase, of course...




"I'm not gonna sit here and have people BULLSHIT me!"



And anyway, here's pretty much the dynamic between Coach, Albert, and Sophie for the rest of the game.







Oh, and Rick is here too, of course.




Rick



And honestly, it's possible Albert is never going to have a chance to win again*, because of that shady Brandon vote.

*it's also possible Coach doesn't have a chance to win, either, but of course we'll just gloss right over that




"If you lie to me about getting in bed with the Savaii members..."




"If you lie to me about jury jumping, like you've been doing..."




"I'm NOT gonna have it!"




"When people bullshit me, then you're CUT OFF."




"Enough is enough. I'm NOT gonna be made a fool out of!"




Yeah Coach, that would suck if we made a fool out of you, wouldn't it?




"I've been made a fool of enough in my life."




"I've been made a fool out of SO many times in my life, because of this game."








"You may be a baseball, Albert Destrade. But you are no longer dating me."




"Well, that sucks."



And with that, let the Fall of Upolu continue.




First off, let's see if Brandon can knock off Ozzy in the last duel




"The winner of today's duel gets to go back in the game."




"Win today, and you still have a chance at the million dollars."




"Win today, and you get to make a fool out of Coach."




"Big enough stakes?"




Hell yeah, it is


You better watch out, you fuckers. I'm coming.




"The winner of today's duel has a one in five shot at a million dollars."




"One in four if you're not counting Rick."
And anyway, you'd think God would actually help Brandon when it comes to a do-or-die challenge.




But it turns out that, ironically, God is actually rooting for Ozzy




"Go Savaii!"



And so when God makes Brandon fall...




"I'm slipping, Lord! Please, God! Please help me!"




"No! Go Ozzy!"



And with that, we officially watch the end of young Brandon.

Damn you, Mikayla. For this I will haunt you.



And anyway, if you thought there was ANY chance that someone was gonna beat Ozzy, and was gonna prevent him from coming back in the game...




Well, you would have been wrong




"Ozzy stays alive! And is back in this game, with a shot at a million dollars!"




"Thank you Jesus! This time around, Redemption Island paid off!"
And I should point out that, as much as the Upolus hate Ozzy's guts, and they don't want him to be ANY part of this game anymore...

They're at least fairly respectful of what he has managed to pull off.








Man, this guy is a warrior

OZZY LUSTH, BAAAAAABY!! YEAHHHHHH!!!!!!




When you know the one you have to beat is now Ozzy



And with that, here comes one of the strongest players in Survivor history... back into the game.




"Welcome back, Ozzy."




"Ozzy. You've been an underdog since day one."




"Well not really. I mean, I am the most dominant challenge beast in Survivor history."




"Plus I'm a returning legend. And the women all love me."




"I think it would be hard to say I'm ever an underdog."




"Shut up. Let's record that again."




"We're creating a narrative here. Ozzy, you need to play ball."




"Sorry, man."




"Ozzy. You've been an underdog since day one."




"Yes, I have."




"It feels so bad to be treated like you're in the underclass."




"I can't believe the Upolus treated me like Cochran."




Oh shit. Please don't make this our storyline.




"And yet here you are. Back in this game, on day thirty-six."




"I had a conversation with God. And God gave me strength."




Oh great. Now he's stealing our narrative.




"I used all the wisdom of Chuckie the Cheese."




"And that gave me the crustification I needed, to fight back."




Oh fuuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuuu



In any case, yeah.

The king of all challenges is now back.

Better be scared of me, fuckers




Um, we are



And not only is he back.

He's PISSED.




"They're the ones I have to thank for sending me to Redemption."




"Because I spent the last fifteen days pushing myself every single day."




"With the hopes that if I do make it back to this final stretch?"




"That I'll come harder than I've ever been able to."




"You hear that, Upolus? Ozzy's gonna come on you. Hard."




Oh great. Now we're right back in the Pleasure Dome.



And then, of course... we have to wade through this nonsense...




"Just one last step to get back in the game, Ozzy."




"Now you have to say the three secret phrases, and unlock your return."




"We don't have secret phrases, Jeff."




"This is only season twenty-three. Survivor isn't that dumb yet."

"Just say the phrases, Lusth."




"Remember, we've got a lot of six year olds watching."




*sigh*




"You know, it occurred to me that creamy peanut butter is so much better than chunky."




"That's one."

"I'm a dapper don dandy. And I loves me some gin."




"Alright, one last one. And then you unlock it."




"Why didn't we ever bring back Jeff Varner? That guy is amazing."




"That's it! Ozzy has unlocked the Return Advantage!"


"He's got Return Without Safety!"

"Unless... of course, any of you are holding on to the Block Ozzy Advantage..."








"No? Well what about the Four-Way Jesus Cross Nullifier? Did any of you find that?"








"The Tuna Can of Negation?"








"The Rubber Chicken of Doom?"








"Um, anyone want to roll a twenty-sided die?"




"And see if you get a natural Ozzy-killing twenty?"

This is so stupid




"Well then, that's it I guess. Ozzy is back in the game."




Yes!




"Game on. The rest of the season is now Ozzy against Coach."




"We've got three days to determine a winner. May the best Survivor legend win!"
And with that...




The five remaining players head back to camp



And honestly, once they get back to camp...

It all becomes an entirely NEW game now. One that is much different than it ever was before.

The name of the game now that Ozzy the Challenge God has returned to Survivor... is...




... who can kiss Ozzy's ass the best?



Seriously, if you watch South Pacific again, watch this last stretch of the game with the knowledge that the members of Upolu all assume that Ozzy is going to be in the final three with them at the end. So they are doing their best to kiss his butt the best that they can, and ensure that he picks THEM after he wins the final two immunities. It's pretty funny to watch when you go looking for it. Especially after the dominance and the sense of superiority we've seen all game from "THE FAMILY". At this point, now that a Savaii is back, everything is suddenly reversed.

Now THEY are the ones who are kissing ass to AN OUTSIDER

It's... uh... weird.




"Congratulations!" says Rick. "I've always thought you were great."




"Hi, welcome back! I'm not dating anyone at the moment. And I am a baseball."



Even Sophie takes a moment to actually pretend to be nice to the guy.




She says, while not even looking in his eyes



And of course the biggest bout of Ozzy ass-kissery comes from...

... naturally, you knew it was coming...




The Dragon Warrior



Not only does Coach tell Ozzy how amazing he is, and how he always knew he'd come back...



"Congratulations, man. You have made an amazing run."




"I have kayaked some amazing rivers in my day but man, you just kayaked the Amazon."



 He then doubles down on the deal he made earlier to Ozzy, a couple of weeks ago.

Remember this little deal?

You know... the ridiculous, unnecessary promise he made to Ozzy... way back at the merge?




"I want to fight it out with you at the end."




"When you come back in the game, you and I shall battle with sword."



Well Coach is about to double down on that ridiculous deal, because that's just what Coach does.

He promises Ozzy that he'll try to protect him again.




"You know, here's the thing. I don't think you're going anywhere."




Well no shit, sherlock. I'm going to win every fucking immunity challenge.




"And I know that, for me, if I were to win immunity..."




Oh I can assure you. You won't.

"If I win immunity, then I've got the immunity necklace..."




"... and I've also got the hidden immunity idol!"




"So..."




"So you say you'll give me one of those if you win immunity today?"




"Hell yeah!"




"If I think that you're in jeopardy? Absolutely!"



And wow, this sort of sounds a little bit familiar.

I mean... didn't we just see this exact same storyline LAST EPISODE??




"If I think Brandon is in danger tonight?"




"Yes, absolutely. I'll give him back his immunity necklace."



In any case, the Savaiis knew this little strategy was bullshit then.

Just like Ozzy knows this whole strategy is bullshit now.




ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, COACH??




WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU TAKE ME TO THE END??




I'D CRUSH ALL OF YOU IN A FINAL JURY VOTE, AND YOU KNOW IT!



And that's when Ozzy realizes that... despite all his talk about honesty, and nobility... that Coach is as full of shit, if not moreso, than ANY of them!




"As soon we get back from the challenge, Coach wants to talk deals."




"Well first... he wants to tell Chuckie jokes. And then he wants to talk deals."




"... so Chuckie's girlfriend says come on man, just do it. It makes me feel so good."




"And Chuckie's like, I'm not gonna eat that. Who do I look like, Alf?"

"And then Coach is like... Ozzy, I still wanna take you to the final three."




*here Ozzy lets loose the biggest sigh in the entire history of Survivor*




"Okay Coach. Whatever you say, man. Sure."




"Yeah, sure. Take me to the final three. Because I'm sure that you want to."




"Do I honestly believe that he wants to take me?"




"Who in their right mind would wanna take me to the end right now?!"



Anyway, it's safe to say that Ozzy's maybe a little bit skeptical.




"After battling on Redemption and coming back? After eight people straight?"




"After Jeff literally handed me a million dollar check when I came back from the duel today??"




"After they've already taken the Sprint Fan Favorite Poll? And it's already determined that I'm the winner??"




"Come on!"



Ozzy will humor Coach, of course.

Because at this point, that's pretty much what they ALL do with Coach.




"When you said Dragon Slayer, man, I just thought that was exceptional."




"I really like the way you think. It is so cool."




"You know what I really like about you, Coach?"




"What's that, my friend?"




"The amount of third grade Russian you learned on the internet. It's so impressive."



And since everyone else is basically just humoring Coach, Ozzy decides that he'll do it too.




"Fine, I'll take your stupid deal."




"But we all know it's all bullshit."




"I've been battling, and battling, and battling all game. And so have you, Coach."




"And that's why I think that this game should be ours."




"And I still want to take you to the end."




"Just like we promised."




"I just feel like that's the way it should be."



And Coach is very happy about this, of course.

Because... you know...




"It's like Chuckie said when he first tried his signature blend of zesty polynesian sauce and pineapple..."




"Sweet!"



And I can't resist pointing out that, at this point in the episode, we're about to get a particularly embarrassing confessional from Coach.

The reason this one is so embarrassing is because it's...

...well...

...uh...

...well, because it's...

...um... you'll see. :)




"Part of me wants to go to the end with Ozzy, it really does*."


* no it doesn't



"But the problem is that I'm in such a good position right now*, and so secure**, so why ruin it***?"


* no you're not
** you're only secure because no one wants to get rid of you
*** you couldn't possibly ruin it, they all want to drag your ass to the end



"Right now, it's like I'm in the NBA finals*."


* it's actually not like the nba finals at all



"I'm up by fourteen*, and there's four minutes left on the clock**."


* no you're not
** your time probably ran out a long time ago


Coach really sees the game much differently than everyone else does.

Have you ever noticed that?




"This is my game to lose right now*."


* okay honey. whatever you say, sweetheart



"And the reason why I say that is because Rick wants to take me to the final three*."


* because Rick thinks he can beat you in a jury vote



"Sophie wants to take me to the final three*."


* because Sophie KNOWS she can beat you in a jury vote



"Albert wants to take me to the final three*."


* albert is pretty sure he can beat you in a jury vote, because you were the most hated figurehead. And also, Albert's a baseball.



"And Ozzy wants to take me to the final three*."


*ozzy just wants ozzy to be in the final three. He doesn't care who else is there. He knows he can beat anyone.



"If everyone wants to take me to the final three, that means this is my game to lose!*"


* well, I mean, there's another possible... alternate... way... to interpret that... if you just step back a little bit.



"With this amazing position I'm in, why ruin it?"



And with that, let's watch Ozzy beat everyone in another immunity challenge.

Yet again.




"The name of the game in today's challenge is build a big stack of cards."




"First one to build a house of cards on a wobbly platform wins immunity."




"Winner stays in this game."




"Huge stakes. You guys ready for this?"



And with that, they all do their best to try to beat Ozzy.




Albert stretches his arms




Sophie tests out the little weight mechanism




Coach tells the cards what to do with his eyes



And guess what?

Turns out Ozzy's as good at stacking cards as he is at everything else.




Hey guys, know what this tower reminds me of?




I'll give you a hint. It's my large penis.







Anyway, Ozzy wins.




It's almost insulting that you guys think you can beat me



There's a fun bit of drama between Albert and Sophie at one point in the challenge, of course...




"Albert! For the love of God..."



... but we'll save that part for the Sophie entry.




At the end of the day, just like in pretty much every challenge, Ozzy's the best




"Ozzy! Wins immunity!"




"Ozzy stays alive! Yet again!"




Ozzy is so excited to beat these four assholes, he punches his stack




Well, drat




*curses in Russian*




*flings his tiles in frustration*




"Consarnit!"



And then... just to add a little extra insult to injury...




The Upolus even have to pretend to applaud for the guy




"Well Upolu. Looks like tonight you're gonna have to vote out the purple guy."




*sigh*



And if that wasn't bad enough...




Now they have to go back to camp, and Ozzy gives them a lecture about how stacking cards works




"My tower was so tall, it made me really nervous."




"I just got in the mode, and I focused."




"Turns out that gravity's the stuff that pulls everything down. You want to avoid that."




Fuck you, Ozzy




Who do you think you are, to come in here and start to mansplain things?




You asshole, that is MY job!



Sophie's so bored by Ozzy's little physics explanation that she literally just falls asleep, right there on the shelter.




She gets Colin Robinson'ed




"You guys, "tall" is actually an old Algonquin word. It means "Reach for the sky.""




"And that's why when Jeff said we were gonna build cards, I knew I wanted to make mine very tall."




"Because tall, as you know, is that much closer to God."



All in all, it's a very unpleasant experience for everyone.

Here in...


Ozzy's Info Dome




"You know what? I had a conversation with God today. And I did it for Brandon."




"And you know what God told me?"




He told me, "Fuck Upolu!"



And anyway, as pretty much everyone expected...

... with that, we lose Rick.




"It has to be Rick, man."




"I agree, bro."




"He's a hard worker, dude. Everyone likes him. He could easily win a million dollars."




"I agree. I really like your thought process, champ."



And again! I need to point out how weird it is that Coach will NEVER consider Sophie as a potential boot target.

Never, ever!

He will never even CONSIDER her!




"It's really interesting, you know, how the game twists and turns."




"I was leaning towards Albert going next, but now I'm leaning towards Rick."




"Good ol' boy, everybody loves his stories*. You know, he hasn't pissed anybody off."


* stories that we have never actually seen



"Putting him in the final three could be dangerous."




"The jury might look for a very likable person that's been a hard worker."




That just says "Aw shucks, I kept my word."




Rick




"Besides, the guy hasn't been in the show since about the third episode."




"I mean, who's even gonna miss him?"



And with that, let the relationship between Coach and the Cowboy come to its natural conclusion.




"Coach is pretty good about skirtin' the truth."




"You gotta realllly pay attention to his words, cause he's like an attorney."




"He'll tell you something, you know, but he won't come out and commit to anything."




"You know, Rick. Chuckie tells us that knowledge is the path to sheer madness."




"What the fuck does that even mean?"




"Dude. Trust me, man. You're not going home tonight."



And just because I'm a comedy writer at heart, I HAVE to at least point out this little editors joke that happens right before Tribal.

This is where Rick sets up the joke perfectly, and then Coach knocks down all the pins.

This is why I love having Coach on a season so much. :)




"Every time you want to talk strategy with Coach, he just wants to walk off."



And here's where Coach is going to do exactly that.

It's so perfect.




"Hey man, Ozzy's been talking a lot of shit about you."




"Saying you gave him your word, as a Christian man, you wanted to take him to the end."








My child, how can you even ask me that?








"Just out of curiosity..."




"... did you tell him the final three was gonna be you, him, and Sophie?"








Bye. Gotta pee.












Sorry, man. Can't talk. Still peeing!



Sorry, I just love that little moment.

Oh yeah, and just to beat the dead horse one last time before we get to the ending...

You know how Albert warned Coach that he better watch out for Sophie? Because Sophie's dangerous? And she's probably gonna beat him at the end?




We just saw this last episode



Well let's just say that maybe Coach should have been listening to these people.




"You know, Coach. I really think Sophie has turned on you."




"You better watch out for her."




Beware the girl, man. For she is the devil.



And annnnnway... with that, we lose Rick.

Adios, Cowboy.




Sorry, podner




Catch you one day at a ren fest-slash-rodeo




Ben Wade, you're a rootin' tootin' liar!




You said I'd be safe tonight!




Sorry, man. Gotta pee.




Don't walk away, you fuck. Get back here!



There's actually quite a bit of drama at this particular Tribal Council.

And on top of the drama, I have to point out that Coach's instinct to hug still hasn't gotten even the slightest bit better.




If you think you're gettin' a hug after what you just did to me... dude, you are so full of...




Hey Rick, fancy a hug?




"No!"








"Have a seat, man."




"That shit aint real, and you know it."




"Boop."



There's a little drama here, between Rick and Coach.

But there's also a LOT of drama here, between Ozzy and Sophie.




Are you a returning player? If not, then fuck you!




Ozzy's always shitting on me!




Oh like I'm the only one to say it. They all hate you.




He's an arrogant ass! This is all he does around here!



But I'm going to skip over that for now, because that doesn't belong here.

That all belongs in the Ozzy and Sophie chapters.




The Ozzy vs Sophie bloodbath, coming soon!



Now, at this point, I know this chapter has sort of turned into a big "shit on Coach in South Pacific" essay. And also, a "you know, if you thought Coach was actually the favorite at the end of South Pacific, what you did is you probably just misinterpreted the storyline." Which I'll be honest, I do feel bad about. I mean, this whole section of the entry was supposed to be a tribute to Coach. It was supposed to be a tribute to how close he came to actually winning Survivor. It was supposed to be a love letter to how close he came to actually proving all the naysayers and the critics wrong for a change.




"Why can't anyone stop Coach? He's soooooo strong!"



I know that when most every Survivor fan in the world thinks about South Pacific, the memory they tend to have of this season is usually something along the lines of A. "Wow, Brandon was creepy." And also B. "I was really turned off by the way Upolus weaponized religion." And also C. "I wonder if Cochran actually has any pigment." And then, of course, there's the big one... the one that almost ALWAYS comes up... D. "Coach totally got screwed at the end. The jury was just bitter."




Fuckin' jury. You guys were assholes!



I know that 99%* of Survivor fans tend to think that Coach should have won. I KNOW that. I know that, to this day, you ask almost anyone about the ending of South Pacific, and they'll almost always lead off with the exact same thing: Coach played a great game, and the jury just fucked him.

* 75% after Obama takes his share

Ask most fans if Coach played the most impressive game in South Pacific, and they'll usually say this...







And my argument is, they shouldn't say this. What they REALLY should say is this...

Coach was the strongest player in South Pacific?







Again, I feel bad that I'm saying this in what is obviously my Coach tribute. I feel bad that we finally got to the end here, and at the end I say that not only should Coach NOT have won, but that the final jury vote really shouldn't have even been close. I fully admit this isn't how I intended to end this whole section.

But then also... at the end of the day... as Ozzy himself likes to say...




"Come on!"



As much as I hate to say "you watched it wrong" if you thought the story was telling you that Coach was going to win, unfortunately that really IS what my argument is when you get right down to it. If you REALLY thought the episodes were telling you that Coach was going to win South Pacific, then you just watched the episodes wrong. Sorry. I wish there were a better or a less blunt way to say it, but there aint.

The episodes were SCREAMING at us that Coach was going to crash and burn at the end, and lose... and yet somehow everyone missed it.




"Rats fratsa, dortin', rootin tootin, rizza pizza!"




"Sit down, Coach. Don't piss down my back and tell me it's rainin'!"




"All that honor and integrity and crap!"




"You're a piece of shit, Coach! Ozzy now has my vote!"



And just to drive home this point one last... one last sad, final time... let's not forget that Coach gets absolutely MASSACRED in this Rick Tribal Council. Ozzy sets him up in front of the jury, and makes him look like an absolute douche.

People tend to forget about this little moment, because the Ozzy and Sophie fight was obviously much juicier...

But I don't know how ANYONE thought Coach could possibly win that final vote, when the editors made sure to show you this scene.




See, I told you. This finale just isn't his episode.



Anyway, here's the scene that absolutely buries the idea once and for all that the editors were ever actually giving us a "Coach wins" storyline.

This was ALWAYS a "Coach loses" storyline. Most of us just never caught it.

P.S. Keep in mind this is the very next day after Coach looked like a douche for what he did to poor Brandon...

"Coach, why is it you don't want Ozzy to move on?"




"Why do you want him to go home? And not somebody else in the group?"




"Ozzy and I did make a bond, way back at the beginning."




"And then at the merge, you decide what the best direction for the game is."




"I admire Ozzy as both a warrior, and a competitor."




"But guess what? At the end of the day, we're still a family."




"And I STILL think Upolu is a family."




"And I take that idea of a family... very special."




"Well wait. We talked."




When the jury learns Coach isn't quite as strong a family member as he likes to proclaim




"I mean, if you wanna air it out, Coach. You said..."




"You said you want to take me to the end."




"Right?"








"You said we had a good shot at making at go at the end of this game."




"I mean, isn't that what you said? That we would take each other to the end?"




Sorry, man. Gotta pee.




Hey Coach, come back!




Jesus, what the fuck is up with this guy?




I thought this guy was supposed to be Mister Integrity!







In any case, there's a lot of drama at this particular Tribal Council. You know the drill.

And then, at the end of the night, Rick loses his scholarship.



*scottstotsed*



And want to see a neat little shot that the editors decided to insert in the episode?

I always liked the poignancy of this sad little zoom-in.




Sorry what I did, Rick. I feel bad.



And with that, we have now reached the end of Survivor: South Pacific.




"You made it, guys. Congratulations."








"Tomorrow you will compete in your final immunity challenge."




It will now be the three strongest family members... against THE OUTSIDER




"The stakes have never been higher."




"Try to get a good night's sleep tonight, you'll need it."




Thanks, Jeff. We probably will need it, because we're all...




"... and also, if anyone finds the Dreidel of Unhappiness, let us know. We can't find it."



And you know what?

As much as I love the ending of South Pacific, it really has NO place in a essay dedicated to Coach. I just can't do it. This is as negative as I want to get in an essay dedicated to maybe my all-time favorite player. And besides, the entire storyline at this point has already shifted over to Sophie and Ozzy. It's no longer about Coach.

So let's just summarize things a little, and say that over the last two days of Survivor: South Pacific...




Coach practices poor banana etiquette, when he refuses to let Ozzy eat any of their plantains



And then Coach lays into Ozzy for pretty much murdering him in front of the jury last night.




"I don't like you, man. You're a big poo poo head."




"Well buddy, you're a kaka doodoo face."




"Yul totally deserved to win Cook Islands. You're nothing but a second place loser."




"Well man, I guess it takes one to know one. Cause you're about to be one, too."



So THAT relationship ends poorly.




And then they go to the final immunity challenge




And Coach gets stuck in the netting, like a fat kid in a waterslide



And then... despite all odds... Sophie somehow beats Ozzy, and steals his final immunity away.

Mother fucker. She's not a returnee.




"Survivor: South Pacific! No!"




Yes!



And then... predictably...

This happens...




"Coach told me he wants to take me to the final three with him."




"But something tells me... he's suddenly gonna change his mind about that."








See?



And then we get yet ANOTHER juror who thinks Coach is nothing but a huge lying sack.

That's a three in a row (and four out of the last five) if you've been paying attention.




"Sorry man, I wanted to keep you around..."




"... but damnit, God keeps taking my pen."




"I couldn't control Him."




*smuff*



And once again, the jurors (aka, the only people who matter) are extremely unimpressed.




Coach, you weaselly sack of shit...




Coach... if I could murder you, I would




Coach, I wouldn't even take out ONE of my teeth for you







And then... uh... some other stuff happens...




"I'm legally giving up my right to ever be called The Dragon Slayer again!"








"Seriously, I'm giving the story directly to you. This is now YOUR story!"















And then someone else wins.

Somebody ELSE gets their college tuition paid off.







And of course... the editors give you one last little clever insert in the finale....

Just to show you what they think of the whole thing...




Guess this was God's will



And this is where we come to the end.

This is also where we come to one of the several possible takeaways as to what the storyline is in Survivor: South Pacific.

Dave Ball, care to finish this story off for us?




"The Lord fricking provides."



Yeah, He does. But you know what?




"The Lord fricking takes away too."




"Never forget that."



So anyway, that's the story of Coach. One of the greatest Survivor characters of all time. And to this day, still maybe my all-time favorite player.




He's also a huge supporter of the Funny 115, even though... by law... I'm required to take digs at him



Coach might not have actually won South Pacific. But at the end of the day... if you want to get technical... he actually WAS one of the winners. Because like I said, to this day, so many fans still believe that he should have won that final jury vote over Sophie. And that might not make him an actual winner. But it does indeed make him a technical winner.




How many fans still see Survivor: South Pacific



I don't personally agree with that sentiment. And I definitely don't think it's the story that the episodes were trying to tell. At all. But I'd be a fool not to point out it is most definitely a thing. A lot of fans, to this day, still think Coach played one of the most dominant games of all time in Survivor: South Pacific.

And you know what?

For a guy who got NO respect at all going into the season...




Maybe that respect gain is victory enough



Coach might not have won the respect of the jury...




But he definitely won the respect of the fans



And that's why I think you can argue that Coach was actually the winner of South Pacific.

And that... as impressive as Sophie's win was, on paper, I think you have to....




"Hey there, hi!"



 Ah shit.

I was worried this might happen.

I got to the end, and I accidentally summoned Erika.




"Yes, you summoned me. Sorry about that! Hello!"



Um, Erika, I hate to point this out to you. But this version of the Funny 115 doesn't even cover your season. This one only goes up to Worlds Apart. You don't really belong here. You belong up in whatever your season is. Season sixty-two, or something?




"I'm from season forty-one. The season without a subtitle. And I was the winner. Hello!"



The FIRST season without a subtitle, you mean. Right? I mean, obviously, there were like twenty of them.




"That's very funny, but that's not why I'm here."




"I'm here because I have to talk to you about this entry."




"And also, hello!"



Okay, fine. I'll bite. Why do you have to talk to me about this entry?




"I'm the spokesperson for a group of female Survivors who feel we have been overlooked over the years."




"You may have heard of us before. We're known as S.W.A.G."




"The Survivor Women's Empowerment Guild."




"Anyway, S.W.A.G. wants to talk to you about this entry.."




"We feel the way you wrote it was inappropriate."



Wait a minute, if you're the Survivor Women's Empowerment Guild, why are you known as S.W.A.G.? Shouldn't it be S.W.E.G. instead?








"Hi! Okay, so here's what happened..."




"Our founder was Sue Hawk, back in 2000."




"She absolutely dominated that first season of Survivor. She was easily the stronger player out there in the game."




"And afterwards, she got mad because Richard got all the credit for her big idea of forming an alliance."




"And he got all the attention afterwards."




"Because he was a guy."




"So Sue founded S.W.A.G. back in 2000. And... um..."



And she misspelled it?




"... yeah. She thought empowerment started with an A."




"It was kind of unfortunate."



Jeez. That's embarrassing.




"I know. And to our credit, we've been trying to fix it."




"But it's hard. Sue filled out all the paperwork."




"And bureaucracy takes a really long time."




"Oh and also, hi!"



Okay, well thank you for the explanation.

Now that that's out of the way, person who doesn't even belong in this countdown... why are you here?




"To be frank, it's because this entry is horseshit."



Well jeez. You don't pull any punches at all, do you?

And wait a minute, aren't you Canadian? Are you really even allowed to SAY that?




"Sorry. If it makes you feel better, this entry is mooseshit."



Great.

Thanks.




"What... on earth..."




"... and I say this the nicest way I possibly can, Mario..."




"What on earth gave you the idea that you could write an entry about South Pacific, and make it all about Coach?"




"I mean, seriously. How on earth did you think you could do that, and S.W.A.G. would not have a problem with it?"




"Did you even CONSIDER that?"



I mean, I...




"You wrote about maybe the greatest win in the history of Survivor."




"Where a twenty-one year old college student knocked off two of the biggest Survivor names of all time."




"Single handedly, I might add!"




"In a season that was specifically designed for a returnee to win!"




"And you made the entry a tribute to COACH?"




"And you thought we WOULDN'T have a problem with that?!"




"Dude, do you not know what we DO?!?"



Well yeah, I'm aware of the optics of it all, but...




"You KNOW Sophie was the star of that season, right?"




"You KNOW Sophie was the winner, and not Coach, right?"




"You know this was HER season. And that she kicked his Dragon Slaying ASS."




"What on earth POSSIBLY possessed you to make you think you could write it this way?"



Well, I mean, I really like Coach.




"Well I like poutine and gravy, but you don't see me writing a six hundred page entry about it."



Yeah but...




"FIX it."



But I just...




"FIX it."



But I just spent so much time on...




"Fix it, woman hater. Or there will be consequences."



What do you mean, there will be consequences?




"Well let me put it this way. You know how I say hi a lot, and how I am always smiling?"



Yeah, it's because you're Canadian.




"Exactly. They sent me to talk to you first, because I am the nice one."



And I thank you for that. You have a very pleasant air about you.




"I do, it's true. But not all of us do."




"Trust me, Mister Funny 115. You don't want to piss off S.W.A.G."




"You don't want Natalie Bolton to come talk to you."




"And you REALLY don't want Sue herself to come talk to you."




"And if Deena comes down here to talk to you, it's all over. She'll tear you to shreds."




"So anyway, you might as well listen to me, the Canadian."




"And that's why I say, hi!"



Okay, fine. I get it. I get it.

Perhaps I was a little stupid writing a South Pacific entry, and making it all about Coach.

Perhaps that was a little insensitive to a player like Sophie.




"You bet your moose's patoot, it was."



Now that I look back on it all, perhaps this entire writeup was a mistake.




"It was. And that's why you're going to fix it."



Fix it... how?

Like... add in a bunch of corrections, and stuff?




"No, you're going to do it all over. From scratch."




"And this time, you're going to make it about Sophie."



Redo THE WHOLE FUCKING THING?

Jesus, lady, I spent like six fucking months writing this. What makes you think I want to do it again?




"Fix it, lowlander."




"Or there will be consequences."




"Oh and also, hi!"



Alright fine, but enough with the catchphrase. We don't need to keep repeating the same old silly phrase to the camera, just in a desperate attempt to get airtime.

Who the hell do you think you are? Xander?









"We do NOT use the X word in S.W.A.G."




"You take that back."




"Never compare me to that person again."




"I've already had that enough."



Okay, fine, I take it back. You win.




"So you're going to redo the entry?"



Yes. I'll redo the whole fucking entry.




"And you'll point out how Sophie was incredible?"



Yes. For the love of all that is holy in Canada, I'll make it all about Sophie.




"Hoo-ray! Justice is served!"



But I can still point out that Coach came really, really close to stealing her victory, right?




"No. S.W.A.G. has ruled that is no longer appropriate."




"And besides, Coach didn't come really, really close to winning. Ozzy did."




"If you're going to write a typical Probst-endorsed sausage fest, you might as well make it about him."




"HE was the biggest challenge she overcame. Not Coach."



But I don't want to write an entry about Ozzy. Ozzy's not very interesting.

Why would I want to write an entry about him, when I could just write one about Coach?




"Well because Ozzy almost won."




"Coach didn't almost win. OZZY almost won."




"If you're going to be disrespectful to Sophie, you might as well do it through him."




"At least THAT would be accurate."



Oh fuck off. Ozzy didn't almost win. Ozzy was just a huge arrogant douche.

All Ozzy knows how to do is win challenges.




"Are you directly contradicting a member of S.W.A.G.?"



I'm not directly contradicting a member of S.W.A.G. I'm just saying you're fucked in the head.

Ozzy didn't almost win anything. All Ozzy did was he hung out on Redemption Island for a long time.




"I repeat, are you directly contradicting a member of S.W.A.G.?"




"Oh and also, hi!"



Jesus Christ, Xander. I said ENOUGH with the catchphrases.

You're repetitive now. AND you're annoying.








"Did you just use the X word a SECOND time?"




"Did you just compare me to my very own story-stealer? A SECOND time?"




"After I've already TOLD you that is forbidden in S.W.A.G.?"



Yeah, I did. And so what if I did?

Take a hike, Xander.

Fuck off!








"Sorry, buddy. You asked for it."




"I already warned there'd be consequences."



Just piss off. I'm already done with the entry.




"Mario Lanza, creator of the Funny 115..."



Go away. Leave me alone.




"... in the name of The Survivor Women's Empowerment Guild..."



Hey, I thought it was "Ampowerment"!




"... according to the bylaws decreed by our founder, Sue Hawk....and now passed down through all of us..."




"... in the name of Natalie White..."



Shit. Natalie's in this thing too? I thought no one could find her?




"... I rule that you will now rewrite this entire entry!"




"And not only will you redo the whole thing over again, you will now do it again TWICE!"



Oh fuck off. There's no way in hell.

This thing was six hundred pages long.

You think I'm doing it over again... TWICE??




"You will write it again once, from the point of view of Ozzy."




"And then a second time, the correct way, through the eyes of our winner."




"The actual star of the season..."




"One of our most prominent members of S.W.A.G...."




"And a personal good friend of mine..."




"The holder of maybe the greatest win in Survivor history, Sophie."




"Who, incidentally, is now the only Survivor who is legally allowed to refer to herself as "The Dragon Slayer.""




"And when you're done, you will dedicate this entire third countdown to her."



Oh come on!




"And that is my ruling."




"Oh and also... hi!"



Fine, you Canadian monster. You win.

I'll do the whole thing over again. And this time, I'll dedicate the entry to Sophie.




"You'll write it about Ozzy first."




"Because people need to appreciate how impressive Sophie's win actually was."




"People need to see who she actually BEAT."



Fine. I'll even write it about Ozzy first.

I'll do whatever you say.

Just take your little S.W.A.G. goon squad, and piss off.




"And you'll never compare me to the X word again."



Okay, I promise.

I feel bad. I didn't mean to insult you.

I'll never use the X word around you again.




"Hoo-ray! I'm really glad we can be friends!"




"And also, hi!"



I'll do ALL of that, for you, but first you have to give me some time off.

I mean, I just spent six months of my life working on that Coach entry. That was easily the longest writeup I have ever done, ever. It took me fucking FORRRREVVVVVER.

Before I go back and do it again, I need a little bit of a break.




"I'm sorry, new friend, but S.W.A.G. rules that is unacceptable."




"Sue Hawk never took a day off, and neither do we."




"We work harder than the male players do, because we have to."




"You will start the new Ozzy entry NOW."



But I...




"You will start the new Ozzy entry NOW."



But I need to...




"You will start the new Ozzy entry NOW."




"Do I need to get out my hammer?"



Wait a minute. What the fuck is "your hammer?"




"It's a new invention. Jeff added it to the show in season forty-one."




"It basically gives me control over space and time."




"It gives me power over things that are. And things that were. And things that potentially never could be."




"It essentially turns me into a demon."




"And on top of that, I'm also Canadian. Hi!"



So you just whip out your little hammer? And you start changing things about the show you don't like?




"You got it! That's what I do! It's fun!"



Man, the show really got stupid once it got to the forties, didn't it?




"I mean, at least the show isn't writing a six hundred page love letter to Coach."



Hey!




"Look at me! I'm a Canadian demon-slash-comedian. Zing!"



Okay fine. Get out your little space hammer.




"Its technical name is Power Without Boundaries, But Also Including Inception."




"It's also known as Power Plus Vortex."



Fine. Take out your little toy.




"Oh don't worry. I never leave home without it!"




"And also, I'm Canadian. Hi!"



Hey, I have a question for you. You're actually insane, aren't you?




"Great question. And yes, I WOULD like to show you how it works."



That's not what I...




"If you want to negate a writeup from ever existing, you just do it like this..."








"Catch you again in about six months, new friend. After you finish your Ozzy entry!"




"And as a Canadian, I'm now legally required to say thank you!"







In any case, coming up next... How Ozzy was the REAL winner of Survivor: South Pacific.







Sorry.

I mean, up next.. how Ozzy pulled off one of the greatest near-wins of all time... but somehow, he still got his ass kicked by Sophie.

Chapter 1 of The Ozzy Story ("The Nut-Cutting") can be found here.

Back to The Funny 115 - The Third One