The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#24.
Obama Takes Stuff
Philippines - Episode 8
In general, if there's one thing you DON'T see a whole lot of on
Survivor, it's politics.
And probably for good reason.
After
all, if there's one thing you DON'T want to have on your TV show, it's
a heated difference of opinion that will split the audience in half and
probably tear
apart the fanbase.
Yes, for the most part, Survivor has always gone out of its way to
not rile up its viewers and make them divide off into camps.
This lack of politics on Survivor was especially
true in the early days, when it was important for the show to be
non-judgmental. And it was important that the show appealed
to many different types of viewers as
possible.
And, you know, I was curious about this. So I actually spent some time
researching this entry before I wrote it. I was curious to see just how many times
politics has actually come up on Survivor between 2000-2019. I was sure
that it wasn't very often.
If you're curious, here are the political moments I found.
In Amazon, Alex and Roger have a friendly
debate over gay marriage
In Africa, Frank suggests that Obama might not have been
born in the U.S.
In All-Stars, Big Tom and Sue debate the constitutionality of the
Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act
During Palau, George W. Bush bombed Ibrehem
As you can see, politics have never really been a major storyline on
Survivor.
Even though, yes, there was once a player who was so dominant that he was actually called "The Mayor of Slamtown"
The Mayor of Slamtown
Sadly
(or maybe happily, depending on how much this entry is already making
you
cringe), there just haven't been that many moments where politics have
actually made an appearance on Survivor.
Even though Rudy technically did once win six electoral votes
And in honor of Clinton, Pappy once got blown by a co-worker
But
then we come to Survivor: Philippines. Season twenty-five.
Where, for the first time in
Survivor history, we get the funniest and most blatant political
mention of them all.
It's the moment where the forty-fourth President of the United States,
Barack Obama, randomly shows up on Survivor.
Prefers the Hiki Tribe
And, in one of the greatest heel turns ever, Obama takes forty
percent of Jeff Kent's hard-earned Survivor winnings.
See this? I'm keepin' it.
Yep, you knew this one was coming.
This was destined to be a Funny 115 entry the
moment it happened.
If you don't remember the actual moment, here's how it went.
There was this professional baseball player by the name of
Jeff Kent
Prior to Survivor, he was known for being kind of an asshole
I'm not gonna delve too much into Jeff Kent's backstory prior to
Survivor. Mostly because I
already did that in the entry about Dawson. Where I talked
about how Kent's super secret identity as a celebrity was unmasked by
this weirdo who would probably give it up for soft cheese.
All I'm gonna say is that Jeff Kent is considered one of the most
unpopular players in the history of modern baseball. And it
was incredible that they actually got him on Survivor. On
paper, Jeff Kent should be a Jonny Fairplay level villain. He should be
a god-tier.
Especially because he has those beady little eyes
Those beady little eyes are so great
So anyway, Jeff Kent is playing a pretty good game of Survivor.
I am playing a pretty good game of Survivor
He's managed to get himself into a dominant alliance, and not be a
dick, for seven whole episodes.
Which, again, by Jeff Kent standards,
is pretty darn good.
He hasn't even had to get snooty snotty
But then...
We come to episode eight...
The blindside
Yep, in the eighth episode of Survivor: Philippines,
Jeff believes that the vote is going to be for some guy you don't
remember named Pete.
But somehow, through the subtle responses from his
brain trust, he learns that the vote might actually be coming back
against him.
Oh, shit
And that leads to one of the most memorable vote-offs of the season.
Oh
My
Heck
Where Jeff Kent and his evil little toothpick are sent packing.
The baddest of all of baseball's bad boys is forced to
sit there, and learn that he just lost the ultimate strategy game to
people like Abi and Carter.
That's one
That's two
It's okay, it has a face on it
Naturally, for a player as competitive as Jeffrey Hercules Kent, this blindside infuriates him.
Someone call Silas, we've brought back the Tom Cruise Death Grin
So Jeff Kent gets his torch smuffed.
*smuff*
And he goes off to do the walk of shame.
*walk**shame*
And now we get the final words that everyone remembers.
No, not that line.
I'm talking about his complete final words.
The ones where he's more angry at Obama than he is at the players who voted for him.
The real enemy
In any case, here you go. Probably the saltiest final words you are ever going to hear on Survivor.*
*that don't come from Hunter
Enjoy Jeff Kent railing against President Obama.
"You know what pisses me off?"
"Is I think I've made about sixty million dollars playing
baseball."
"And I want this FRICKin' million dollars in this game."
"And it's not even a million bucks!"
"It's six hundred grand by the time Obama takes it!"
Yes, only a mega millionaire like Jeff Kent could, in one sentence, point out simultaneously that:
A. He hates Obama
B. Obama's tax plan is unfair
and C. I'm so rich that I don't even need this money
Oh, and in case you're wondering if he's making that up, he's not. He really didn't need another million dollars.
Jeff Kent made over $86 million dollars during his baseball career
So anyway, Obama suddenly does a random heel turn, in the middle of Jeff Kent's final Survivor words.
Obama even slept with my wife!
And then we finish off with the rest of his speech.
"I'm a game seven World Series loser."
"You know, I played in the biggest games in the world, and the worst games in the world."
"But this just SUCKS."
And voila, the legend of Jeff Kent being voted out, and then taking out his anger on President Obama.
I just got a couple of thousand dollars
Now, there are a couple of awesome things about this whole Jeff
Kent/President Obama rivalry. That just randomly showed up on Survivor
one day, completely out of the blue.
The first thing that was awesome about it, which a lot of modern fans not even be aware of, was the timing.
See, on November 6th, 2012, Barack Obama was re-elected as President of the United States.
As you can imagine, it was a pretty big deal
Jeff Kent, I'm comin' for you, fucker
So Obama was elected on November 6th.
And then, THE VERY NEXT DAY, on November 7th, we got Jeff Kent railing about how Obama was going to take all his money.
"And it's not even a million bucks!"
"It's six hundred grand by the time Obama takes it!"
Seriously, go back and look at the timing on when these two
things happened. Kent's rant about Obama came LESS THAN TWENTY-FOUR
HOURS AFTER OBAMA HAD JUST BEEN RE-ELECTED. At the time, it was just
the funniest thing.
And that's why Jeff Kent can never be
mentioned in Survivor history without somehow also mentioning that
Obama is going to take all his stuff.
I just got a Ferrari
Fuckin' Obama
And now we get to the last part of this entry, which is something I hope you'll enjoy.
Because I got to wondering...
You know... if Obama was out
there taking forty percent of Jeff Kent's Survivor money... then what
ELSE was he taking from OTHER Survivor players?
You KNOW he wasn't just picking on Jeff Kent.
That stripper just offered me a lap dance
So here we go. Here's where this entry gets fun.
Here
are all
the OTHER times where The Dread Pirate Obama was a complete asshole,
and you see him taking a percentage of stuff from other Survivor
players.
And
I'm not talking about the obvious ones. Like 40% of Jeff Kent's
paycheck, or 50% of Chad's legs. Or 60% of Leif. Here are the more
subtle ones.
As you can see, he's always been kind of a dick.
The words no one wants to hear
Let's start with...
The time Obama took 50% of the Yasur hammock
And the time he took 100% of Jan's bat
And, of course, the time he took 70% of Rupert's skirt
Those are some of the more obvious times where Obama stepped in and he started taking stuff. But they aren't all of them.
If you dig around, you can actually find a lot of them.
Like the time he took 100% of Richard's pants
Or 40% of Michelle's platform
Or the time he took 100% of C.C. Heidik's clothes
Fuckin' Obama, man. Jeff Kent was right. The man is a bully.
He even took 100% of Mia's class
He actually took 20% of Christy's senses. That asshole!
He even took 50% of Jonny Fairplay's grandmas
The more you go through Survivor history, the more you realize just how villainous Obama really was.
Like the time he took 70% of Coach's depth perception
And 100% of poor Natalie's jacket
He even took 50% of Robb Zbacnik's B's
THAT BASTARD TOOK 100% OF RUPERT'S DREAMS!
We're almost done here. I promise.
Only a couple more.
Obama took 100% of Morgan's hook!
He took 100% of Lex and Ethan's goat!
Goat meat tonight, baby!
Motherfucker, he (and Butch) even took 40% of the Amazon
BURRRRRRRN!
He took 90% of Amanda's applause!
These are getting out of control now. I need to stop.
He took 80% of Colby's manhood!
He took 96% of Crystal's hand-eye coordination
He took 75% of Cirie's dignity!
He took away 100% of Brett!
He even took 100% of Randy's cookie!
Okay, last five. Then I'm done.
I saved the most esoteric ones for the end.
He took away 100% of the price of renting a military helicopter
He took 100% of Jeff Varner's soul
He took a million percent of Mike's ability to use percentages
He took 80% of Boston Rob's ability to portion control
And finally, the most Obama Obama'ing of them all...
He took 0-50% of the satisfaction Ted had for his wife
As you can see, there's a reason that politics don't generally show up on Survivor.
When they do, they tend to turn into a mess.
Also, Obama actually played on Survivor once, and he took this guy's face
P.S.
I can't believe I got my own character entry
P.P.S. If you like this entry, I made a whole second long addendum page called "Other Stuff Obama Took." You can find it here. It's pretty crazy.
P.P.P.S. And here's the perfect capper for this entry, from a Twitter user named Jody Ovaltine:
"One
thing that really cracked me up is that Jeff Kent's last
season of playing baseball was in 2008, which was the year Obama became
President. So, in fact, none of his earnings during his playing years
were under Obama era tax policy lol"
Thank you to Katie Banks for the Mary Who/FUBC picture.
