The Funny 115 - The Third One





#24. Obama Takes Stuff
Philippines - Episode 8


In general, if there's one thing you DON'T see a whole lot of on Survivor, it's politics.

And probably for good reason.

After all, if there's one thing you DON'T want to have on your TV show, it's a heated difference of opinion that will split the audience in half and probably tear apart the fanbase.







Yes, for the most part, Survivor has always gone out of its way to not rile up its viewers and make them divide off into camps.







This lack of politics on Survivor was especially true in the early days, when it was important for the show to be non-judgmental. And it was important that the show appealed to many different types of viewers as possible.







And, you know, I was curious about this. So I actually spent some time researching this entry before I wrote it. I was curious to see just how many times politics has actually come up on Survivor between 2000-2019. I was sure that it wasn't very often.

If you're curious, here are the political moments I found.




In Amazon, Alex and Roger have a friendly debate over gay marriage




In Africa, Frank suggests that Obama might not have been born in the U.S.




In All-Stars, Big Tom and Sue debate the constitutionality of the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act




During Palau, George W. Bush bombed Ibrehem



As you can see, politics have never really been a major storyline on Survivor.

Even though, yes, there was once a player who was so dominant that he was actually called "The Mayor of Slamtown"




The Mayor of Slamtown



Sadly (or maybe happily, depending on how much this entry is already making you cringe), there just haven't been that many moments where politics have actually made an appearance on Survivor.




Even though Rudy technically did once win six electoral votes




And in honor of Clinton, Pappy once got blown by a co-worker



But then we come to Survivor: Philippines. Season twenty-five.

Where, for the first time in Survivor history, we get the funniest and most blatant political mention of them all.

It's the moment where the forty-fourth President of the United States, Barack Obama, randomly shows up on Survivor.




Prefers the Hiki Tribe



And, in one of the greatest heel turns ever, Obama takes forty percent of Jeff Kent's hard-earned Survivor winnings.




See this? I'm keepin' it.



Yep, you knew this one was coming.

This was destined to be a Funny 115 entry the moment it happened.







If you don't remember the actual moment, here's how it went.




There was this professional baseball player by the name of Jeff Kent




Prior to Survivor, he was known for being kind of an asshole



I'm not gonna delve too much into Jeff Kent's backstory prior to Survivor. Mostly because I already did that in the entry about Dawson. Where I talked about how Kent's super secret identity as a celebrity was unmasked by this weirdo who would probably give it up for soft cheese.







All I'm gonna say is that Jeff Kent is considered one of the most unpopular players in the history of modern baseball. And it was incredible that they actually got him on Survivor. On paper, Jeff Kent should be a Jonny Fairplay level villain. He should be a god-tier.




Especially because he has those beady little eyes




Those beady little eyes are so great



So anyway, Jeff Kent is playing a pretty good game of Survivor.




I am playing a pretty good game of Survivor



He's managed to get himself into a dominant alliance, and not be a dick, for seven whole episodes.

Which, again, by Jeff Kent standards, is pretty darn good.




He hasn't even had to get snooty snotty



But then...

We come to episode eight...




The blindside



Yep, in the eighth episode of Survivor: Philippines, Jeff believes that the vote is going to be for some guy you don't remember named Pete.







But somehow, through the subtle responses from his brain trust, he learns that the vote might actually be coming back against him.












Oh, shit



And that leads to one of the most memorable vote-offs of the season.




Oh




My




Heck



Where Jeff Kent and his evil little toothpick are sent packing.







The baddest of all of baseball's bad boys is forced to sit there, and learn that he just lost the ultimate strategy game to people like Abi and Carter.




That's one




That's two




It's okay, it has a face on it











Naturally, for a player as competitive as Jeffrey Hercules Kent, this blindside infuriates him.




Someone call Silas, we've brought back the Tom Cruise Death Grin



So Jeff Kent gets his torch smuffed.




*smuff*



And he goes off to do the walk of shame.




*walk*
*shame*



And now we get the final words that everyone remembers.







No, not that line.

I'm talking about his complete final words.

The ones where he's more angry at Obama than he is at the players who voted for him.




The real enemy



In any case, here you go. Probably the saltiest final words you are ever going to hear on Survivor.*
*that don't come from Hunter

Enjoy Jeff Kent railing against President Obama.




"You know what pisses me off?"




"Is I think I've made about sixty million dollars playing baseball."




"And I want this FRICKin' million dollars in this game."




"And it's not even a million bucks!"




"It's six hundred grand by the time Obama takes it!"



Yes, only a mega millionaire like Jeff Kent could, in one sentence, point out simultaneously that:
A. He hates Obama
B. Obama's tax plan is unfair
and C. I'm so rich that I don't even need this money

Oh, and in case you're wondering if he's making that up, he's not. He really didn't need another million dollars.




Jeff Kent made over $86 million dollars during his baseball career



So anyway, Obama suddenly does a random heel turn, in the middle of Jeff Kent's final Survivor words.




Obama even slept with my wife!



And then we finish off with the rest of his speech.




"I'm a game seven World Series loser."




"You know, I played in the biggest games in the world, and the worst games in the world."




"But this just SUCKS."



And voila, the legend of Jeff Kent being voted out, and then taking out his anger on President Obama.




I just got a couple of thousand dollars











Now, there are a couple of awesome things about this whole Jeff Kent/President Obama rivalry. That just randomly showed up on Survivor one day, completely out of the blue.

The first thing that was awesome about it, which a lot of modern fans not even be aware of, was the timing.

See, on November 6th, 2012, Barack Obama was re-elected as President of the United States.




As you can imagine, it was a pretty big deal




Jeff Kent, I'm comin' for you, fucker



So Obama was elected on November 6th.

And then, THE VERY NEXT DAY, on November 7th, we got Jeff Kent railing about how Obama was going to take all his money.




"And it's not even a million bucks!"




"It's six hundred grand by the time Obama takes it!"



Seriously, go back and look at the timing on when these two things happened. Kent's rant about Obama came LESS THAN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS AFTER OBAMA HAD JUST BEEN RE-ELECTED. At the time, it was just the funniest thing.

And that's why Jeff Kent can never be mentioned in Survivor history without somehow also mentioning that Obama is going to take all his stuff.




I just got a Ferrari







Fuckin' Obama



And now we get to the last part of this entry, which is something I hope you'll enjoy.

Because I got to wondering...

You know... if Obama was out there taking forty percent of Jeff Kent's Survivor money... then what ELSE was he taking from OTHER Survivor players?

You KNOW he wasn't just picking on Jeff Kent.




That stripper just offered me a lap dance











So here we go. Here's where this entry gets fun.

Here are all the OTHER times where The Dread Pirate Obama was a complete asshole, and you see him taking a percentage of stuff from other Survivor players.

And I'm not talking about the obvious ones. Like 40% of Jeff Kent's paycheck, or 50% of Chad's legs. Or 60% of Leif. Here are the more subtle ones.

As you can see, he's always been kind of a dick.




The words no one wants to hear



Let's start with...




The time Obama took 50% of the Yasur hammock








And the time he took 100% of Jan's bat








And, of course, the time he took 70% of Rupert's skirt







Those are some of the more obvious times where Obama stepped in and he started taking stuff. But they aren't all of them.

If you dig around, you can actually find a lot of them.




Like the time he took 100% of Richard's pants




Or 40% of Michelle's platform




Or the time he took 100% of C.C. Heidik's clothes



Fuckin' Obama, man. Jeff Kent was right. The man is a bully.




He even took 100% of Mia's class




He actually took 20% of Christy's senses. That asshole!




He even took 50% of Jonny Fairplay's grandmas



The more you go through Survivor history, the more you realize just how villainous Obama really was.




Like the time he took 70% of Coach's depth perception




And 100% of poor Natalie's jacket




He even took 50% of Robb Zbacnik's B's




THAT BASTARD TOOK 100% OF RUPERT'S DREAMS!



We're almost done here. I promise.

Only a couple more.




Obama took 100% of Morgan's hook!




He took 100% of Lex and Ethan's goat!




Goat meat tonight, baby!




Motherfucker, he (and Butch) even took 40% of the Amazon




BURRRRRRRN!




He took 90% of Amanda's applause!



These are getting out of control now. I need to stop.




He took 80% of Colby's manhood!




He took 96% of Crystal's hand-eye coordination




He took 75% of Cirie's dignity!




He took away 100% of Brett!




He even took 100% of Randy's cookie!







Okay, last five. Then I'm done.

I saved the most esoteric ones for the end.




He took away 100% of the price of renting a military helicopter




He took 100% of Jeff Varner's soul




He took a million percent of Mike's ability to use percentages








He took 80% of Boston Rob's ability to portion control



And finally, the most Obama Obama'ing of them all...




He took 0-50% of the satisfaction Ted had for his wife



As you can see, there's a reason that politics don't generally show up on Survivor.

When they do, they tend to turn into a mess.




Also, Obama actually played on Survivor once, and he took this guy's face

















P.S.


I can't believe I got my own character entry

















P.P.S. If you like this entry, I made a whole second long addendum page called "Other Stuff Obama Took." You can find it here. It's pretty crazy.












Thank you to Katie Banks for the Mary Who/FUBC picture.


If you like the Funny 115 (and my other Survivor projects), please consider becoming one of my Patrons.




<------ #25

Back to The Funny 115 - The Third One

#23 ------>