The
Funny 115 - The Third One
The Monkey's Paw Tale of Dan Foley - The Intro
Felt cute, might berate Sierra later
Author's Note:
I have to say this up front. I had SO much material to work with in
this entry. Over the past five years, I have pored through just about
every Dan thread that has ever popped up on a Survivor message board.
And I grabbed every quote that I thought would be fun for this writeup.
And believe me, people have had a LOT to say about Dan Foley over the
years, both good and bad. I also went through just about every
interview
Dan has ever given about his experience on the show. Oh, and then on
top of that, when people heard I was writing an entry about Dan Foley,
they started emailing me because they all wanted to give me their
thoughts on the guy. Including a couple of people who have had personal
interactions with him over the years that they wanted to share. I
also talked to a handful of castmembers from Worlds Apart who
actually know Dan.
Basically, what I am getting at here is that
I've collected about five hundred different quotes about Dan Foley from
either fans, interviews, members of the media, people who know him,
people who played against him, or people who worked on the show. And
I'll be sprinkling them in throughout the writeup, just so you can get
an idea of the many different opinions on Dan Foley. Some of the quotes
are nice. Some of the quotes are not so nice. But they are all pretty
enlightening, I think.
And we'll start the entry off with this one, which is my personal favorite.
"Hey Mario, I wanted to share a story I heard about Dan
four years ago, thought you might find it interesting. When I went to a
casting call at the Big E in Springfield, MA, the crew was making a big
deal about how Dan Foley had been cast by going to a previous casting
call at that location (which I thought was sort of funny since Dan
wasn't/isn't really a popular player). Apparently, when Dan went to
this casting call, he was planning to do fire breathing. He'd brought
all the proper equipment, but the producers wouldn't let him do it. So
he spent his sixty seconds in front of the camera screaming at the
producers. This is the video that got him cast on the show."
Artist re-enactment
Yep,
if you're not aware of this fact (and I'm not sure how you could NOT be
aware of it, considering Dan brings it up at least a hundred different
times during Worlds Apart) Dan was a fan of the show. He was a
bonafide "superfan." He knew everything there was to know about
Survivor, and how it worked, and how it played out, and how to win
at it. And
he had been trying to get cast on Survivor for nearly fifteen years,
prior to the fire-breathing/screaming audition tape that
eventually got him cast.
In other words, if you've been
trying to get onto the show for years, and if you call yourself a
Survivor superfan, Dan was basically you.
You
Although, to be honest, simply calling Dan a "superfan" doesn't really capture the whole picture here.
Here's
another quote that was sent to me about Dan's many, many, many tries to
get on Survivor prior to the fire-breathing thing. This quote explains
things a little bit better than I could.
"I
don't think people are aware of just how well-known Dan was in the
Survivor community prior to going on the show. Mario, this guy was
at EVERY OPEN CASTING AUDITION that they ever held in New England. He
was a constant at every single event. He wasn't just a superfan, he was
the Lord of the Superfans. It was common knowledge that Dan was going
to go up there, and he was going to do something to embarrass himself
just to get the producers to notice him. He wanted to be on Survivor so
bad. You almost felt bad for the guy. You knew it was never going to
work out for him lol, but he always kept going for it."
Behold the Lord of the Superfans. With Bob.
So
anyway, Dan tried to get onto Survivor for years. FOR YEARS. Think
Chrissy Hofbeck, only with way more Rupert cosplay and trombone props.
Dan was bound and determined that he was going to be the superfan of
all superfans. As God as his witness, he was GOING to get cast on the
show, and live out his Survivor dream. He was GOING to become a famous
Survivor figure.
And... yeah...
About that...
"I
think all the years of wanting to be on
Survivor led him to cement a picture in his head of how the entire
experience - from the game itself, to the way he'd be perceived
afterward - was supposed to go. He would be the season's Everyman
Hero and the whole country would root for him. And afterwards they'd
talk glowingly about him as the guy who played the game with
integrity. In reality, he did it all wrong of course."
"I think that Dan, watching the show, was upset
that two other contestants were said to be "Survivor superfans",
and he was the one who had to bring up that HE was the
"superfan." I think he wanted "tried for fourteen years to get on
the show, finally succeeded" to be his legacy. Instead he
got the "pompous guy who thinks he's the smartest person on the
island" edit."
"And that's why it's known as an immunity idol."
"Dan wanted to fly like Leif on that waterslide. Instead, he just crashed down to earth. It was almost majestic."
It was the most funnest thing ever for Leif, at least
"Dan Foley tried super hard to be
the funny fan favorite hero with his forced jokes and soundbytes. Then
he ended up being hilarious as a huge butt monkey dumbass who got
righteously dragged by the editors all season long instead. The moral
of the story: Be careful what you wish for."
Before
we walk through Dan's Worlds Apart storyline, scene by scene, I wanted
to bring up a story we're going to mention a couple of times in this
entry. It's called "The Monkey's Paw."
Most
of you probably know The Monkey's Paw, of course. It's one of
the most famous horror short stories of all time. But because I have a
lot of younger readers, not to mention a lot of non English-speaking
readers, I figured I'd explain what it is. Just so you can see why
I picked it as the name for this entry.
"The Monkey's Paw" is a story about a cursed talisman (literally, a monkey's paw.) An older
couple inherits it one day, and they are told that it possesses
great powers. It has the ability to grant three wishes. But BE CAREFUL
IF YOU USE IT, they are warned. Because every time you use it, it comes
with a consequence.
Anyway, because it's a horror story, you
can pretty much guess how it goes. The old man decides to tempt fate one day,
and he uses it for a wish. He wishes for enough money to pay
off his house. Absolutely, says the Monkey's Paw. I'll just kill
off your son in an industrial accident. And you can use his life
insurance money to pay off your house.
Naturally, the parents
are horrified when this happens. They didn't want their son to be dead,
they only wanted the money. So they turn to the Monkey's Paw, and
they frantically make a second wish. They wish for their son to come
back.
Absolutely, says the Monkey's Paw again. Here's your
zombie son, risen from the grave. Coming back to your house tonight to eat
you both up.
"NO!", scream the horrified parents. And they use
their final wish to send their son back to his grave. And with that
they have no more son anymore, and also no more wishes.
Which pretty much sums up the Survivor existence of Dan Foley in one sentence: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR.
"Wouldn't that be the ultimate irony? It's like a Faustian bargain:
Dan: Thanks so much Satan for getting me on Survivor. I didn't think
my late model jalopy could handle those 25,000 miles going to all those
auditions! My life dream has now come true. But all I want
now is to be remembered. Remembered for the good upstanding moral
family man that I am.
Satan: You are so greedy! I
already granted your one wish and have claimed your soul. But,
OK. You will be remembered. But maybe not in the way you expect.
Dan: That's fine, this is America. Any press is good press, right?
Satan: Uh, yeah sure. See you on Twitter..."
hashtag #dickhead
And with that, let's go to Dan's storyline in Worlds Apart.
It's... uh...
Yeah, Dan's right. It's pretty Faustian*.
Continue with The Monkey's Paw Tale of Dan Foley - Meeting Our Hero
*
Faustian = 1) relating to or resembling Faust, a German astronomer and
necromancer reputed to have sold his soul to the Devil. 2) Faustian
bargain, a pact whereby a person trades something of supreme moral or
spiritual importance, such as personal values or the soul, for some
worldly or material benefit, such as knowledge, power, or riches. 3) A fat, loud guy who wears manties.
