The Funny 115 - The Third One


The Monkey's Paw Tale of Dan Foley - Meeting Our Hero




Felt cute, might break through the bamboo later



"My dad is as casual a Survivor observer as there is. He doesn’t watch it, but with the rest of us being invested in it for twenty years, he’s been around and walked in the room enough while it’s on enough to remember some iconic moments and characters. He walked into the room and looked at the TV as I was rewatching the opening of the premiere of Worlds Apart last summer, and the camera pans to Dan Foley. The second my dad sees him, he laughs and says, “Oh I remember THAT guy!” Ten seconds later, in Dan’s first confessional, Dan states “I plan on being remembered. One way or another, you will not forget me.” The timing couldn't have been better."



Okay, it's episode one of Survivor: Worlds Apart. And we're about to meet the Lord of the Superfans himself.

No Max, not you



Here he is. The one and only... Dan "The Danimal" Foley.

I wonder if there's an idol in those trees



By the way, speaking of names, I have to include this little quote.
"Mario, please include this. Only true legends have names this long on their wiki pages."




So here's Dan. And here he is, doing Dan things.

Like wondering what Benry is doing right now



And I have to point out that the first thing we ever see Dan do on Survivor...

... is he sees a delicious looking leaf

Leaf, get in mah belly

And he eats it



So anyway, that's Dan.

Dan is an herbivore.
"Every season needs a Dan Foley. No matter how long he lasts, you know it will be a magical time as long as he is there."



And here comes his famous introduction, where he basically spells out exactly what his story arc on Survivor is going to be.

Only, not in the way that he expects it to be.

"I've worked for the post office for twenty two years, an I am here to live my dream."

"I have dreamt about being on Survivor since season one, episode one."

"And I plan on being remembered."

"One way or another, you will not forget me."



Okay, first off, did you notice that he's manspreading?

If there was ever a character who I assume would be manspreading the first time you meet him, it would be Dan.

And hunker down, cause we're gonna see this angle a lot



I sure hope you're nice and comfortable with Dan's genitals.

The audacity



And then I have to point out the fact that Dan is a postal worker.

I hate to date these entries, so you can tell when I wrote them, but I can't resist sharing this quote with you. I got this the night before the 2020 election, when Biden vs. Trump all came down to counting all the mail-in votes.
"In one of his audition tapes Dan says he fixes USPS automated equipment. The election being somewhat in Dan Foley's hands is a fun thought."


Okay, let's get back to the show.

"Welcome! To Survivor: Worlds Apart!"

YESSSS!!!!!!!



Keep in mind that ANY TIME we cut to a shot of the players responding to Jeff, Dan will always be the loudest one.

Always.

You can count on it like clockwork.

"YEAHHHHHHH, BAAAAABYYYYY!"



So Jeff goes on his typical little spiel. About how white collars are the leaders, and blue collars are the workers, and how he really hopes a man wins this season. You know, the usual. And then he has his first interaction with the Danimal.

"Dan, does this ring true to you? That blue collars are the hard workers?"



Dan, like a good little soldier, steers right into the theme. Exactly like you're supposed to do if you're a big superfan.

"Absolutely. We built the heart of America."

"Blood, sweat, and tears. Callouses on our hands. Sore at the end of the day."

"But a smile on our face, knowing we accomplished a good day's work."
"One thing that I think gets lost about Dan is that he's actually a great narrator. You'll notice the editors almost always go to him when they want a good quote, or to explain what's going on in the game. His words might infuriate you, but he's actually really great at delivering them. It's clear that the powers that be loved having the guy in the game for the most part."
"Yooooo...I know you're working on a Dan Foley piece. I started the premiere of Worlds Apart on a whim last night, and I don't know if I've ever had a stronger negative reaction to a player ever. Every word out of his mouth drove me into a rage."



Oh, and even though he's a great narrator, and even though he's great at delivering a speech, right off the bat, you can see what Dan's story arc is going to be this season. The editors don't try to be coy about it at all.

Because as he is delivering his big "We built America with our hands" speech...

The first thing they cut to is everyone laughing at him



Oh yeah, and I have to point out another big Dan trademark we see in the first five minutes here.

He over-laughs at things



This reminds me of something my brother once told me when he became a judge. I don't know if most people know this, but my brother is one of the youngest federal judges in the country. And I asked him once what it was like to go from being a lawyer to being a judge. I asked, what changed the most when that happened?

His answer? "The minute you become a judge, your jokes get way funnier."

Anyway, that's how Dan always reacts to Jeff Probst.

These worlds are going to be very far apart this season

BWAHAHAHA



Okay, so Probst asks each tribe to pick a spokesperson.

Me. Gotta be me.



And here we get another early interaction between the king and his vassal.

"Dan, are you comfortable being selected as leader?"

"Ya knoowwwww, it's a double-edged sword."



Note: Dan has a very distinct way that he speaks. He tends to ooooooverrrrr-eeeeenunnnnnnciaaaaaate his words because heeeeeee's tryyyyyyying to maaaaake a point. I'll try to be as aaaaaaaccurate as I can when I am quooooting him.

Like this, later in the season, when he says the word "awesome."



So Dan is chosen as the blue collar leader. And he gets to pick a buddy to go do leader stuff with him.

He winds up paired up with Mike



And this, of course, is the relationship that eventually becomes the single biggest storyline of the season. Dan and his friendship with Mike.

A lot of fans tend not to remember how important this storyline was to the season. Because when they think of Worlds Apart, they tend to get more wrapped up in Shirin vs. Will. But Shirin vs. Will only lasts for two episodes. It doesn't have much of an impact on the rest of the game. The Dan and Mike relationship/friendship/rivalry CLEARLY has an impact on the game. Their story arc lasts THE ENTIRE DAMN SEASON, and it clearly has ramifications on how the game plays out, especially towards the end. And especially when Tyler sticks his nose into things and he starts messing with Dan. But hold that thought for later. We'll eventually get to it.

For now, all you have to know is that Dan and Mike are new BFFs.

And it will continue that way for most of the season.

I can't believe I'm besties with the Danimal.



And with that, Probst sends Mike and Dan off to go do leader shit.

"Alright, good luck. Head out."



And you know it's coming...

Say it with me...

"YEAHHHHHHH BAAAAABYYYY!"



By the way, speaking of the Blue Collar Tribe, here's an interesting email I got from someone behind the scenes of the show. I thought you'd be interested in this.
"Worlds Apart was intended to be a more Big Brother-like season of Survivor. It was designed to have maximum conflict. That's why people were specifically cast that were just going to hate one another. And the male cast was intentionally picked so they wouldn't get along with the females. That's how you wound up with Rodney, Dan, even others that you might not have seen in the edit. They set out to deliberately find men who were pigheaded/condescending/sexist/old school/guy's guys/cocky, whatever word you want to use. That was all by design. The show got exactly what it was hoping for when it came to that cast. They loved it."


Anyway, keep that in mind when you see how this season plays out. It was all by design.

Okay so let's get back to the lovebirds



So Mike and Dan get to go make an ethical decision about beans.

And they decide to share all the beans with their tribe
 

"We gotta do the right thing early," says Dan. "It's too early to start being a villain."

Then Mike tells a joke

And Dan over-laughs



And then we get this fun James Miller-esque confessional out of Dan.

"My inclination is to go with the honesty."

"Simply because, at this stage of the game, to throw deceit? I personally think it's stupid."

"You have to focus on trying to build that camaraderie."



Yes, because if there's one thing Dan was great at in the early stages of the game... it was camaraderie.

Fuck you and your manties, superfan

I know you ate all the beans, The Danimal
"Dan’s the kid who eats his boogers without even trying to hide it, then doesn't get why no one wants to sit with him."



As episode one goes along, we quickly get a bunch of scenes of Dan trying his best to be fun and funny and amazing, and nobody on the Blue Collar Tribe buying it. They immediately get overwhelmed by this try-hard who is simply trying to get airtime.











Nine minutes later...

Anyway, and that's why the Mayans called it "juggling."





And this has been another episode... of Teaching Time with Tummy

Over-laugh



And this is where the edit will start to ping-pong between the two different edits of Dan Foley. The hard-working, producer-favorite quote machine, and the big loud buffoon who everyone hates. Which, to me, is one of the most fascinating things about his whole storyline. In fact, a few people pointed this out to me in their emails. It's like the show didn't know what to do with him.
"The treatment of Dan overall was very, very bizarre. It feels like the editors wanted to do it one way and the producers wanted to do it another way and then they just kind of ... did both? We get a lot of content trying to understand him, only for it to be undercut as a punchline later on. Then it's back to the first one. It's strange."
"The treatment of superfans on the show has always been fascinating to me. And Dan Foley is probably the best example of that. I know a few people involved with the show, and I know for a fact that the show has no respect for its "superfans." They only cast them because they want to embarrass them. That's the only reason they throw them out there at all. But every so often they get one that they kind of like too, like Dan. You can see it peeking out in his edit from time to time. He really is supposed to be the good guy for a lot of the season. But then it's like they'll get a new editor in the very next scene, and they go right back to completely murdering the guy. It's honestly really fascinating to me."



Want to see an example of the edit ping-ponging back and forth between Dan the producer darling, and Dan the laughingstock buffoon? Well look no further than episode one!

Here's Dan doing exactly what he is supposed to be doing. He is reinforcing the theme of the season for them.

"We're blue collar workers."

"We saw what needed to be done, we all jumped into it."

"Because... we'll find a way."

"That's what we do."



Which is immediately followed by a montage of the Blue Collars all building a shelter together.




Let's do this, broheims



Including Dan celebrating as they all build a fire together.

"And there is fire. We did it."

"Ohhhhh BOOOOOO-yah, BAAAAYY-BEEEEE!"



If you pay attention, Dan is almost ALWAYS the one they go to when they want a good quote about the Blue Collar work ethic. Because, again, as a superfan, he knows exactly that's what they want from him. It turns out superfans are good for the TV production part of things, at least.

Again, these quotes are over the top. But if you're on the show, this is exactly what they want from you. They want you to sell this shit.

"We got a fire built within the first two hours."

"In one sentence..."

"Blue collar?"





"Kicked ass."



I mean, that's a great quote. That's a Coach-level quote.

Foley is a celebrity in Honduras



And thennnnnnnn...

Well, we immediately follow that with everyone on the tribe shitting all over Dan.

Simply because no one can stand the guy.
"Apparently Dan alienated Rodney ten minutes into the game, because Dan said "wicked pissah", which Rodney thought was Dan making fun of him."


Here are the highlights of Dan's immediate social game downfall.




It all starts when he gets in a fight over the shelter building



By the way, pay attention to the way this scene is edited. The editors are doing some really sneaky stuff here to make Dan sound worse than he probably was.

It all starts when Lindsey asks how they should set up their floor.

"I think we're probably gonna need three posts, is what we said. Yes?"



To which Dan replies...

"That's stupid. That's the DUMBEST thing that you can do."



Only, if you go back and watch this scene again, pay attention to it. We never actually SEE Dan say that. To me, it sounds like it was dubbed in from one of his confessionals. They just play it over a shot of Sierra so it sounds like Dan says it to Lindsey's face.

The more you pay attention to the show, you'll notice the editors do this a lot.

"That's stupid. That is the DUMBEST thing that you can do."
(Dan apparently says, off camera)



I have no doubt that Dan balked at the way that Lindsey was planning the shelter. But I can't imagine in a million years he actually said that to her face. Human beings (not even Dan) don't interact like that. Not on day one of a social game like Survivor, they don't.

So Lindsey and Dan disagree on how the shelter should be built

The audacity



And this is where we get footage of what their actual conversation probably went like.

"Why are you upset, Dan? Because it's too...?"

"I'm not upset. I'm concerned about the supports."



He just sort of mumbles this part. We don't really hear it very clearly. But he's obviously not saying "THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING YOU CAN DO" aggressively to anyone's face.

And this is where get sort of an odd little standoff.

"I just want the shelter built," says Sierra. "I'm feeling too much pressure now."

Why don't people listen to me? I'm a superfan.



And then we get this moment, which is one that pretty much everyone remembers.

I don't know how anyone could watch this clip and not laugh at how awkward and over the top it is.

"Dan definitely gets under my skin, because he says things that are just over the top and dramatic."

"He is the ONE person that doesn't belong."



Cue the over the top Dan example.

"Bamboo. Is hollllllllow."

"It won't. Staaaaaaay."

"It will spliiiiit the bamboo. And dropppppp us."

"Iiiiiii. Am a fatttttt guy."

"It's not. Going. To hoooooold usssss."

I love this. Lindsey tries not to laugh during his big "fat guy" speech.



In fact, Sierra and Lindsey eventually both just crack up.

They can't take this guy seriously anymore.













Anyway, this whole scene was probably way less tense than the editors made it look with the whole "THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING YOU CAN DO" overdub. It couldn't have been that that tense, it ends with everyone laughing at him.

We'll use extra strong bamboo, Dan, especially for you
""I am a FAT guy" is all you need for the first eleven episodes. When you start forgetting how perfect that line read is, he busts out with something just as good. True drama queen."



And of course this is where people correctly start to point out that... uh... Dan really doesn't have very good social skills.

"Dan with his age, and being a male, he wants to prove himself that he knows what he's talking about."

"But he's dealing with twenty year olds. He's twice their age. So you're gonna have to listen to them."

"But he doesn't have those social skills, let's just work it out."



Again, Dan doesn't really threaten anyone. He's not being aggressive. He just doesn't know how to negotiate with people. And we'll see it again and again.

You should join us, Shirin. But you won't because you're an idiot.



And here's what I love about Dan in this first scene.

From his reputation online, you'd think he would throw this huge fit, and he'd get all angry and mean and aggressive towards everyone. That's the reputation he has among most of the fanbase. That he's this big scary monster who has anger issues, and who is just horribly abusive towards everyone.

But that's NOT what Dan does in this first scene at all. In fact, he does just the opposite!

In this instance, he just turns into Eeyore

Guys, I'm sad. I'm just gonna go have a little sad now.

Be a shame if I went and I put my head in the oven now
"Dan's great. He is such a little bitch."



And of course the women can't take Dan turning into Eeyore seriously at ALL. They just openly start mocking him.





I wonder if my family would miss me

"Come on, Dan, what should we do here? Don't be wishy-washy."

I'll never see the Red Sox win a World Series again





I wonder if you can vote a corpse back for Cambodia








It's probably the quickest superfan suicide I have ever seen on the show. Half an hour at the Blue Collar camp, and everyone either hates him or they are openly laughing at him. It happens THAT FAST.

Who knows, maybe it was actually his tribute to Hatch

The audacity



In any case, Dan eventually realizes he is in way over his head on this tribe.

"I get yelled at either way. If I speak or if I'm quiet."

"I'm AGREEIN' with you guys!"



And he whimpers off to go collect firewood instead.

And of course they just laugh at him for being such a little bitch over this

"You guys want me to stay or you want me to go get the firewood?"









"I just wanna be the most use somewhere."

I can't take it, Dan. You're being so dramatic.

Exeunt, The Danimal

Ha ha, this guy is funnier than the whole covid plandemic



Rodney then pulls the women aside, just to make sure they're all on the same page about this.

"The guy with the beahd. Can't stand him. He's kinda bossy, you know what I mean?"

"So we need to get, ah, Harry Pottah's grandfathah outta heah."



Again, this is going to be Dan's reputation for pretty much the next thirty-six days. They are already all just openly laughing at him.

Harry Potter's grandfathah, hee hee.



Which, of course, leads to Dan frantically trying to work his way back into the tribe.

Cue another over-dramatic confessional!

"I am in a NO-win situation because NO matter what I do now, everybody starts givin' me grief."

"I am REEEEALLY in a BAAAAAD position!"

"FAAAAAST!"



And what is Dan's strategy to alleviate this?

What would a superfan like Cochran do?

"Now I try to change tactics."

"I gotta lay back. I gotta shut my mouth."



And how exactly does Dan Foley "shut his mouth"? And "Lay back?"
"Every time I start to give Dan the benefit of the doubt he just does something else mind-numbingly asinine and then I can't be bothered anymore."


That's right.

He shuts his mouth and lays back by BRINGING OUT THE NUGGET POUCH.

Hey guys, should I make this my new profile pic?

Again, I hope you're comfortable with Dan Foley's crotch this season




Remember, the Blue Collars made America.



And here comes one of my favorite Survivor comedic moments of all-time.

"Mike, I am NOT fairing well in this game. Why is that?"

I mean, you could put on some pants



By the way, side note, this reminds me of a joke I heard a stand-up comic tell about thirty years ago. He was joking about how Elvis always complained that whenever he went out in public, people always looked at him. And the comic was like, I don't know, Elvis, maybe if you took off the chrome jumpsuit?

Mike, why is everybody laughing at me?

I love God, but He did NOT prepare me for this



In any case, Mike is a nice guy.

So he sits Dan down, and he offers his bearded juggling padawan some advice.

"Don't put feathers in your hair. Don't tell your stories at Tribal Council, people mock you."




But then I wouldn't be Dan Foley



At the end of he conversation, Mike agrees to be Dan's one and only friend on the tribe.

I love you, Dan Foley. One hundred million bajillion percent.



And again, this is really the biggest storyline we're going to see in the season. The relationship between Mike and his bearded pet monkey the Danimal.

One of them who is really, really good at Survivor.

And then also the other one.




"Mike's a ray of sunshine. He's the only one holding us together right now."




And I was wondering, should we kill him?

And really, that's all the Dan content we get in episode one. Because the rest of the first episode is Vince trying to roofie Jenn.




You smell like a jet ski



Although I can't resist pointing out the first of many, many times Dan will do this next thing at a challenge.

Remember, he is always the loudest one.




"You guys ready for your first immunity challenge?"




"BRRRRING IT ONNNNNNNN!"



The Blue Collars come back from a huge deficit at the first immunity challenge, and win.









"Holy comeback, Batman!"




"Never over 'til it's over!", says Mike




"DAMN RIGHT!!"



One way or another, you know Dan will always insert himself into the scene.

He is always going to get his beloved camera time.




Here you go, Mike. Here's your immunity idol.




THANKS!










Keep going with The Monkey's Paw Tale of Dan Foley - The Ocean Giveth, and The Ocean Taketh Away



Back to The Funny 115 - The Third One