2. The Monkey's Paw Tale of Dan Foley: The Sierra Apologies

The Funny 115 - The Third One

The Monkey's Paw Tale of Dan Foley - The Sierra Apologies

Felt cute, might explain math to Shanini later

"I know nothing about Dan apart from the show, but if I ever learn to roller skate and become a derby girl, I want my name to be "Unmitigated Gall.""

Look, I'll be perfectly honest with you at this point in the writeup. I have only one intention out of doing this entry. I want you to appreciate Dan Foley. I want you to love him as a cringy, Judd-esque, unintentionally funny Survivor trainwreck as much as I do.

I want you to love how amazing it is that a guy who said this:

To win a woman over, you just listen and empathize.

Yes dear, I apologize. You're right.

Immediately turned right around, a few hours later, and he did this:

Dan I'm VERY upset! You guys REALLY need to apologize to me!

I will eventually, but first you need to listen to MY grievances

Dan, NO! That is NOT how you apologize!

I don't disagree with you

I mean, come on. That's everything the Funny 115 stands for.

Dan was easily the greatest gift to the Funny 115 since Coach.

Once taught an entire tribe to juggle, using only his eyes

To further back up my point that you're supposed to love Dan, and you're supposed to love all the awkwardness he brought to the show, let me bring up this quote. Which not only comes from Jeff Probst, it actually comes from the exact point in the reunion where he is ripping Dan Foley a new asshole.

People remember that infamous scene at the reunion, of course.

Why do you hate women so much, Dan?

I don't

And why isn't Zeke your favorite player? Zeke is incredible!

Anyway, in the middle of Jeff 's rant about how much Dan sucks, he also slips in this quote. Which is honestly the part of the scene that I think everyone needs to remember.

Any time you find yourself hating Dan on a personal level, or being SO mad thinking about him that it makes your blood pressure go up, remind yourself of THIS little quote from Jeff Probst. And please stop taking Survivor so seriously all the time. It's not supposed to be that stressful for you.

"Scenes like this are why we cast you, Dan."

"This is exactly what we wanted from you."

"Watching you interact with others is what Survivor is."

Want to hear that again? Direct from the producer himself.

Watching Dan Foley interact with people is what Survivor is

Just keep that in mind if you ever think Dan was some sort of an embarrassment to the show. Dan was exactly what they WANT on the show. They only got mad at him later because he bitched about it openly to the press, which is a big contractual no-no. So they had to come down to him.

Other than that, Dan was pretty much exactly what the powers at be want to see on Survivor.

They cast him because they knew he wouldn't be able to interact with most people.

"The difference between Coach Wade and Dan is I don't think Coach thought he was made to look bad on Survivor. Whether he was playing a character, or he really IS that delusional, he apparently viewed the entire "Dragon Slayer" depiction of him to be a good one. So much so that he really never altered it on any of the later seasons. He either didn't know or didn't care that the audience was laughing AT him, not WITH him. Dan, on the other hand, really felt he was the hero of the season and that the powers that be went out of their way to make him look bad."

So anyway, yes, the whole point of this entry is that I want you to appreciate Dan Foley as a Survivor figure. I want you to personally stop hating the guy.

The reason I say that now is because that message might get a little obscured along the way, because this is also a comedy writeup. And because that's what I do. Along with supporting Dan as a character, I'm also going to roast the shit out of him.

Dan as he is reading this, probably

He is probably also actually wearing the shirt

But at the end of the day, I just hope you appreciate Dan Foley as a Survivor figure. And that you really start to appreciate Worlds Apart just a little bit more. To me it is, and will always be, the Dan Foley season. Just like Tocantins is, and will always be, the Coach season. And Pearl Islands will always be the Rupert season.

It's your calling, son. One day, when people say the name Munson, they're gonna think "winner."

Just like DiMaggio is to baseball or, or Unitas is to football, that's what Munson will be to bowling

"Dan for me is one of those characters that you hate watching live, but learn to appreciate as time passes. Characters like him aren’t meant to win, and probably never will, but they’re an important part (and in a sick way, a lesson) of the Survivor experience."

Okay, with that sappiness out of the way, let's get back to how terrible Dan really is at Survivor.

It's time to facepalm as hard as you can, and relive the Sierra storyline.

Oh gawd

So it's the end of the fourth episode of Worlds Apart.

The Blue Collars have just voted Lindsey out of the game.

This super close tribe just had to vote out their first family member

And when they go back to camp, the first person we hear reacting to the vote is the person Lindsey was closest to.

Sierra, you don't understand how hard it was for me to vote out your friend

Oops, never mind. Just kidding.

Obviously, the first person we hear reacting to the vote is Sierra.

"Who voted for me?"

We never see this second part of the quote, but for purposes of clarity, I'm assuming Sierra also added something like this.

And if we're so close, how come nobody told me we were voting for Lindsey?

Sierra is personally hurt by what the Blue Collars just did to her. Which I imagine is pretty common when you have a tribe that was as close as this one. Again, the Blue Collars hadn't had to vote anyone out for more than a week and a half. They were probably more or less like a little family at this point.

Great, I'm the red-headed stepchild now. I'm the Cochran.

And Dan-o, of course, takes it upon himself to be the voice of unity around here.

"Doesn't matter who it was, Sierra. Let's talk."

He decides, on the spot, that he is going to become the wise old uncle of the family.

He is going to be the one who is going to calm down Sierra.

RIP Sierra's self-esteem

So Dan sits down.

In his big storytelling chair.

Hey look at that. Just like Coach!

And the first thing he does...

"Sierra, we want there to be unity back in this tribe again."

... is he calls for a Festivus.

THIS CALLS FOR AN AIRING OF GRIEVANCES!!

Dan suggests that the only way to make everyone happy again, is if they all sit down and they criticize each other.

We can't have unity until we air the grievances. Get 'em out in the open.

Okay, sure. Why not?

Tell you what, I'll go first.

Oh fun. Here we go.

And this is where I feel the need to point something out.

I really don't think Dan is that bad at the game of Survivor. And by "the game of Survivor", I'm talking specifically about the macro game. Stuff like get into the main alliance, always have the numbers, be valuable, be loyal, try to entertain people. At that part of the game, the bigger stuff, I happen to think he is really good.

The problem Dan has, as you will see over and over in this entry, is the micro game. The smaller stuff.

He is really, really, really bad at the smaller, more intricate parts of Survivor.

I'm talking like Russell Hantz wearing an "I'm #1" hat bad at social Survivor

So anyway, let's see what it would be like if Russell Hantz played a season in full blackface.

Dan, can I tell you why I'm so upset right now?

It's because you don't fit in. It's because you suck.

Seriously, this is his strategy. He tries to cheer Sierra up by pointing out how terrible she is.

And I'm sorry. But "cheering someone up by pointing out their faults" is such a Michael Scott thing to do, that I can't see how people wouldn't appreciate that.

"The first puzzle challenge, you couldn't do it. You stepped out."

"The second challenge in the water, you nearly killed Mike and I."

"Because you missed so many shots."

DAN THIS IS NOT AN APOLOGY

You're nine feet tall. I mean, would a person even want a body like that?

Dan reels off his list of complains about Sierra. And then he finishes his little apology with...

"It doesn't mean that we don't like you."

Great, thank you for softening the blow, The Danimal.

We all look at you as an asset

You're just terrible

And this is why you don't hold a Festivus right after Tribal.

Hey Dan, where was that oven you were thinking of putting your head in earlier? Can I borrow it?

Oh, and what is Sierra's reaction to Dan's little rant about her?

"It's really hard to hear that little bit that I'm an asset, but I have all these other flaws."

I busted my ASS for you guys.

Around camp. In the challenges.

I don't disagree with that

In any case, the scene ends with Sierra in tears.

*smiff*

And Dan's social game in tatters.

*smuff*

And Mike, as usual, just pleading for everyone to calm down and just be a family again.

Guys, we can't do this. We still gotta work together. A hundred bundred billion percent.

And this, of course, leads us into the very next episode.

THE TWIST.

The next stage of the game! We made it!

As you can guess, Sierra is pretty bitter in the hours leading up to the twist. Especially after the way the tribe (aka Dan) came down on her (aka was a dick to her) last night after the big Lindsey vote.

She tells us she wants nothing more in this game than to bring down the Blue Collars.

"My tribe is absolutely dead to me now."

And this, of course, is just a perfect lead-in as we segue over into the start of the fifth episode.

"Hey guys, we are going to mix things up. It's time for the twist."

Yes! A twist!

It's time for revenge

"I just heard an interview where Dan congratulated himself for being a hero because he didn't poison everyone. I almost laughed myself into a coma."

So the Worlds Apart twist goes down, as designed.

The players randomly pick either red or blue buffs

And wouldn't you know it...

It's blue! I remain on the Blue Collars!

And guess who else also remains on the Blue Collars?

Sierra

Which leads to one of the single greatest screen shots of the season...

Sierra having to pretend she is excited to still be with Dan

While Dan hangs his mouth open like a basking shark

"No one has managed to stand up for the plight of adopted children everywhere in a more divisive way. I think it would be hilarious to see a cut of Worlds Apart where Dan gets the Harry Potter hero edit."

So Dan and Sierra are apparently together forever now.

Just like the Rick Astley song!

Yay!

By the way, if you're into old movies, this totally reminds me of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.

"Look at him, doctor. He's so happy, he's crying!"

Sierra

And the two of them get to meet a couple of new tribesmates now.

Hi I'm Joe. I'd like to tell you about QAnon.

And just like that, we have a new dominant tribe in the game.

New Escameca

Made up of four blue collars. And three outsiders.

Four good guys. Three bad guys.

Which means if the Blue Collars all stick together on New Escameca...

Our boy could run this all the way to the end

Sure enough, Dan's New Escameca tribe is pretty awesome in the challenges. I mean, how could they NOT be great in the challenges? They have Mike, Dan, Tyler, Sierra, Joaquin, AND Joe. They have all the strong people.

And as for New Nagarote...?

I mean, well at least they have Kelly

Help me

As you can guess, Escameca dominates in the first challenge after the twist.

RIGHT AT YOU, BABY! YEAHHHHHHH!

And Dan helps them bring back their first reward.

Are you not entertained? I'm Dan Foley.

Dan then goes on to help Escameca dominate in their very first immunity challenge.

I'm gonna smash this like I smashed Sierra's self confidence

I took out two pots in one shot

BOOYAH!

Nagarote can't do much but watch helplessly as Dan pretty much steamrolls them.

"DAN IS! A HUMAN WRECKING BALL!"

Are you guys watching this?

I'm gonna send this one priority mail

"BANG! YEAH, BABY!!"

The Danimal! Wins immunity!

How can we compete with a man such as Dan Foley?

So Escameca is in really good shape at the end of episode five.

Dan just helped lead them to two straight challenge wins, pretty much on his enthusiasm alone. And because of their massive advantage in the challenges, the Escamecas aren't really in danger of going to Tribal Council anytime soon.

Oh, and on top of that, Dan is also in a majority alliance of blue collars on Escameca.

Which means that our boy is sitting very, very pretty right now

However...

And there is always a however on Survivor...

Just because things look good for the Danimal ON PAPER, that doesn't mean that things really ARE.

And this is where that whole thing with Sierra is going to come up again.

Thing is, Sierra, you're weak

Yeah I know, Dan. You keep TELLING me.

You're not wrong about that

Even though Escameca hasn't had to go to Tribal Council yet (and they might NOT be going to Tribal anytime soon), that tension between Sierra and the Blue Collars from two days ago simply hasn't gone away.

"I still feel like my old tribe are crappy people."

"I want to take them all down."

Mike sees this, of course, because Mike is the peacemaker.

Oh crap. Sierra is going to turn on us.

On top of that, Mike also sees the OTHER potential problem that is starting to develop at Camp Escameca.

The fact that Rodney has a new boyfriend

Oh double crap

And I'm guessing this is where Mike probably starts to panic a little when it comes to his game.

Because if the Blue Collars were to ever to fracture and start voting against each other, he's toast.

This is literally the only way Mike can make it to the end of the game. Otherwise, he's screwed.

So Mike sees the dual threats starting to develop to his game, in both Sierra and Rodney.

I mean, which one is going to take us down first?

And this is where he starts to become really really REALLY tight with the Danimal.

From here on out, Dan will always be Mike's number one ally in this game. And it's not even close. The minute Mike loses Kelly as his partner in crime, that spot goes to Dan.

This will be the heart of the blue collar tribe for the rest of the game

So Mike goes to Dan, same as he always does, and he says I need you to fix something.

Whatever you want, Mike, I'll do it. For Blue Collar unity.

And Mike says, you need to go apologize to Sierra.

She's making puppy dog eyes at the new guys on the tribe, Mike says

Especially Joe and Joaquin

We need to reel her back in, Mike explains. And only YOU can go do that.

You need to APOLOGIZE to her

And this time, like a REAL apology

Easy. I can do that.

And so here we go. We're about to start the neverending merry-go-round of the Danimal trying to apologize to Sierra.

I hate to spoil the joke for you ahead of time, but let me just say that Dan tries to apologize to Sierra THREE DIFFERENT TIMES during Worlds Apart. And he fails to do so every. single. goddamn. time. Every time he tries to apologize, he somehow winds up insulting her instead. And she just walks away being even more angry than she was before.

It's almost majestic.

How Dan apologizes

And so here we go. The rest of this writeup is Dan trying to apologize to Sierra.

And, uh, not being very good at it.

"In an interview, Dan says that Survivor fans criticize him for being bitter. But he says to them "fuck you all" as Dan "had a million dollars taken away from me." Dan also says "fuck you" to anyone who smiles after they are eliminated."

If you recall, Dan has already tried to apologize to Sierra once.

It mostly involved him pointing out all her flaws

So Mike tells him, GO TO HER, and you apologize AGAIN.

Because WE NEED HER AS A NUMBER

And not a made-up number, like a hundred bajillion kazillion. Sierra is a REAL NUMBER!

To which Dan astutely points out...

"What I'm worried about now, is that Sierra is a swing vote."

WELL NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!

THAT'S WHY I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME DOWN ON HER!

Mike does his best to convince Dan of the logic here.

"We have to have Sierra's vote. Right or wrong?"

"We have to have Sierra's loyalty. Yes."

And she's not being loyal right now, is she?

No, I don't think she is

This is, of course, where the editors pipe in with...

"I'm letting you know, these three blue collars suck."

"They treat me like shit every day."

So Mike lays down the law to the Danimal one final time.

"Dan, just listen to what I'm tellin' you."

(yelling in hoarse) SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND APOLOGIZE!

Oh, and here's the part of this conversation that I love the most.

Dan basically has to lay out his business model ahead of time. Just to convince a nervous investor (Mike) to want to invest money into it.

"I'll take her for a walk, and I'll apologize"

Okay. Good, so far.

"I'll tell her, I was upset. And I'm sorry."

Good. So far, so good. That's how you apologize.

But then, for some reason, Dan decides to throw in a little twist at the end.

"I'll tell her I'm sorry, and then I'll try to explain..."

"NO!," says Mike. "Just apologize!"

"The only thing that she would love to hear, in my personal experience with women..."

"They don't want the explanation."

"They just wanna hear you're sorry."

Again, I should point out that Mike is repeating almost EXACTLY what Dan said in his earlier confessional about how you negotiate with women.

All Mike is doing is REPEATING DAN'S OWN WORDS RIGHT BACK TO HIM.

To win a woman over, you just say that you're sorry

And here we have the magic of a character like Dan Foley.

Even though he is getting the exact same advice he just recently gave out, he still insists on arguing about this.

But I...

Doesn't matter who

Apologize

(still yelling in hoarse) JUST KEEP IT SIMPLE, DONT PISS HER OFF!

And here comes one of the most Dan Foley confessionals of the season.

Where Dan gets angry about the fact that future winner Mike Holloway would dare explain strategy to him.

"Dude, you're HALF. My AGE."

"I have talked to sooooooo many more girls than you have. It's silly."

"Dude. Dude. I got Sierra."

"I got this."

Narrator: He did not have this.

"Hey Mario, I'm sure this will be a running theme throughout the entry, but the tone Dan uses, "What I am saying is SO CORRECT" is so funny. Because he is actually never correct, and that fact never crosses his mind. He's like a comedy gift."

So let's go watch Dan Foley's SECOND apology.

"Can we PLEASE clear the air?" Dan asks Sierra, super contritely

So far, so good.

That's how you do it.

Dan goes back to Sierra, as planned, and he lets her yell at him for a while

"I have to sit at the fire, and get attacked?"

"You just picked the wrong time, Dan!"

I know. I'm a bad boy. I always screw up.

Guess it's back to the head in the oven again

You're an asshole, Dan

"You're right. I don't disagree with you."

"I own that."

So far, so good. Up to this point, this is how you do an apology.

But uh oh.

Then Dan decides to start improvising.

Now he starts trying to explain things to her again.

"But what hurt me was, you attacked ME."

You didn't think of MY feelings

DAN-O! NO!!!!!!!!

As usual, Dan's apology quickly escalates into a full blown argument.

"I am seeing... what we did... as absolutely... exactly the same things."

"But, for some reason, yours was more of a slight than mine."

"And I don't understand why."

"It's night and day!"

I came back from Tribal, and my name had been written down twice! I was hurt!

"We both said some pretty not nice things to each other."

Dan, what the fuck?

This is NOT how you apologize!

And so much for Dan Foley apology attempt number two.

Still room for improvement

"Oh man, I am sooooo looking forward to the Worlds Apart reunion. I hope the producers replay his faux-apology to Sierra so everyone can laugh, while Dan looks shocked and confused by the audience's audacity and unmitigated gall."

As you can guess, Sierra is NOT swayed by Dan's second apology.

"If you're sorry, you don't go into an apology saying I'm sorry that I made you feel that way."

"But you did it to me, so like that's why."

"It was THE crappiest apology I've ever received in my life."

And this, of course, sets the stage for Dan's THIRD attempt at an apology.

You know what would be nice, Sierra? If you would just shut the fuck up.

Actually, hang on, we're not up to that yet.

Let's yada yada over a couple of things first, so we can get up to the THIRD apology.

So it's the start of the sixth episode, and Dan is regaling his new tribe with his favorite tales of adventure

Mainly, the story of how he lost his manties again

"... and then, suddenly, a wave took my underwear."

Wait, what?

As you can guess, the Blue Collars have heard this story before, and they're just kinda over it

Although this does lead to a fascinating discussion of Dan Foley's ass topography.

And you thought you weren't going to learn anything new today.

"It wasn't just underwear. It was his banana hammock underwear, mind you."

"It was not a banana hammock, it was not a thong."

"It did not go up my butt, okay?"

I was gonna call in Yau Man here to explain the science on this but... you know what... on second thought... let's not.

You're welcome.

I still like boobs!

In any case, Dan is still telling the same exact stories... in the same exact ways... and it's one of the reasons fellow Blue Collar Rodney is so sick of the guy.

It's one of the reasons he wants to float away in a bro cloud and just do bro stuff with his bro buddy, Joaquin

I wonder if we can start a Secret Santa. I know who I'd pick.

And this is where we stand as we head into the episode six reward challenge.

"You guys ready to get to today's reward challenge?"

Say it with me, my friends...

"ABSOLUTELY!"

"Wanna know what you're playing for?"

"OHHHH YEAHHHHHH WE DOOOO!"

I have to say that I love these next two reaction shots.

The winner of this challenge will get to watch baby turtles

You will also get mac and cheese

For the record, mac and cheese is way more exciting on Survivor than baby turtles.

The audacity

Oh, and remember how I said that Escameca was likely never going to lose any challenges?

Well, somehow, they lose one

That means no baby turtles

And even worse, no mac and cheese

Although I can't resist pointing out that it's possible they lost this challenge...

Because they had Dan Foley sit out

In any case, New Nagarote somehow wins an actual Survivor challenge. And surprisingly, it won't be the last one.

Enjoy the mac and cheese and turtles, you vagabonds

"The no-collar tribe was always the "welfare" tribe, according to Dan."

So Escameca goes back to camp for a while.

And Dan just hangs around doing Dan Foley things.

And this is where we get a subplot that, while important to the storyline of the season, Dan actually has very little to do with.

Where Rodney and Mike discuss throwing the next immunity challenge

Mike wants to throw the immunity challenge to save Kelly over on the other tribe. While Rodney wants to throw it to get rid of Joe, and to solidify his bond with Joaquin.

They both have entirely different motives, but it winds up leading to the exact same strategy. They both want to to throw the next immunity challenge.

Dan has nothing to do with any of this, of course

I actually asked Mike Holloway about this when I was preparing this entry. I asked him if Dan was involved in the plan to throw the immunity challenge. Because if you watch the episode, it looks like Dan was completely left in the dark.

It looks like Rodney tries to throw it

And Mike tries to throw it

But Dan is out there trying his best

In fact, the editors specifically go out of their way to show Dan being all upset when Mike screws up in the challenge.

Man. I guess I should have explained to Mike what "memory" is.

Mike Holloway, must you be so bad at Survivor?!?

And then they show Mike being all upset when Dan actually succeeds.

Come on, Dan-o, we're throwin' it!

In the episode, it looks like Rodney and Mike try to throw it, but Dan almost mucks up their plan when he actually succeeds.

Thus creating more of a stumblebum storyline for Dan

They even show Dan flinging his shirt when they get back to camp, because he's so mad that Rodney and Mike were apparently so bad at that challenge.

This!

Sucks!

But this isn't actually the way that things went down.

I actually asked Mike about how the reality differed from the edit in that scene, and if Dan really WAS left completely out of the loop. And this is what Mike told me:

"Yes Dan was in on the plan. And at the last minute he decided to change his plan so he didn’t look bad. It almost backfired and that’s why Kelly and I are up there for three hours. I had to lose or else Kelly goes home that night."

In any case, this is another one of those examples of the story not fitting what we actually saw in the episode.

Turns out, Mike really WAS mad when Dan succeeded at the immunity challenge

But it wasn't because Dan didn't know what he was doing.

It was because Dan double-crossed him and he changed up the plan

Dan actually DID muck things up for the Blue Collars in this scene... just in a different way.

Screw this. I'm not fucking losing to Shirin.

Dan backed up this up in a few of his interviews, by the way.

"In his Final Tribal Council speech, Dan tried to convince the jury not to vote for Mike, because Mike threw that memory challenge way back before the merge. And "this is a game about winning" so Mike shouldn't win."

So anyway, that's what happens at the episode six immunity challenge.

Rodney throws it, so he can put together an anti-Mike alliance with Joaquin

Dan doesn't throw it, because he's going for a hero edit, and he doesn't want to look bad on TV

Joey Amazing is amazing, and he never loses anything

And then Mike and Kelly square off at the end...

In the longest, most pointless tiebreaker since Becky and Sundra couldn't ever light a fire with a flamethrower.

What it's like watching Cook Islands

The challenge only ends when Mike flat out tells Kelly what the answers are.

The most disappointing Survivor viewing experience since Jack and Jill

So anyway, Nagarote wins. For the inexplicable second straight time.

I don't know how you did it, but nice job

Dan is just playing for the cameras here, by the way. He is just trying to look like the good guy.

"Here's what I see when I look at Dan. He wanted to play as a "hero" but he treated everyone he didn't like as a villain. And it just made him come across as an arrogant jackass."

And with the loss, that means New Escameca is headed to Tribal Council for the very first time.

Super frowny face

Mario's Quick Editorial Note: I wanted to jump into the writeup right here because there's something important I wanted to talk about. If you know how Worlds Apart plays out later in the season, you'll know that Dan always sees himself as "the good guy", and he always sees Mike as "the bad guy." And he seems flabbergasted that nobody else can see the story from that angle. And I'm guessing that THIS challenge is the point where he considers Mike Holloway to be beginning to cross over to the dark side. He seems really annoyed that Mike would do something so foolish, and he would put the Escameca dominance in peril.

I don't think this was acting

Yet here's the thing about Dan being "the good guy who was trying to win" and Mike being "the bad guy who was trying to lose." Mike was only throwing the challenge because he was trying to save Kelly. He was actually trying to SAVE the quote-unquote "leader" of the Blue Collars. Who, in turn, would just ensure even more dominance for the Blue Collars later down the road, if she were around. And I'm guessing Dan and Mike must have argued over this logic endlessly. To the point that when Mike did the thing with the letter in a couple of episodes, Dan was probably like, "See? I told you. Mike's crossed over to the dark side. He never believed in us, he's selfish!"

Anyway, I just wanted to point out how Dan always saw Mike as the bad guy. And he seemed stunned that no one else did. And that's why the edit of the season on TV probably smacked Dan right upside the head. That was NOT the story he saw when he was out there playing Survivor, and it pissed him the hell off.

It also leads us into these quotes that I found on an old message board.

"Dan's problem is that he lives in his own world, and he cannot see what everyone else sees. His comments in the episodes are evidence that he saw himself differently then everyone else did. This is kind of understandable, of course, because he was in the heat of the game, and he was in the majority alliance, and he was getting votes. So obviously, in his mind, he was a threat. He could not understand that many of those votes were because he was an ass (at first) and then later because he was at the bottom of his alliance. He is never going to get that."

"If you listen to the Ponderosa comments made by Jenn and Tyler, they make it clear that Dan was unable to see the game from their perspective and that he was not able to alter his point of view at all. He just doesn't have that ability."

Okay, that's enough editorial. Now back to the writeup.

So here's what we have on New Escameca as we lead up to Tribal Council.

We have Rodney forming a coup against Mike

And we have Sierra still pissed off at all of the Blue Collars.

And believe me, that's six foot nine feet of rage

And we have Mike realizing that... oh shit. Maybe throwing the challenge might not have been such a good idea. Sierra and Rodney are likely to team up with the three outsiders and now come after ME.

What's the opposite of the Happy Dance? It is probably this face.

So that means it is time to work his Mike Holloway magic again.

Um, how do I get out of this?

And this is where he comes to an important realization.

"Sierra. The key to tonight's vote is going to be Sierra."

"Sierra is the swing vote."

That's right. If Mike can somehow bring Sierra back into the family... then he somehow might have a chance.

So Mike goes to his allies for tonight, and he shares his big plan

"Guys, we NEED to go sweet talk Sierra."

Sierra. Who is now the prettiest girl at the ball.

If we don't get Sierra, she goes with Rodney. And then Rodney runs the game.

And nobody wants to live in a world where Rodney runs Survivor. Amiright?

But here, of course, is the big problem with Mike's plan.

You knew it was coming.

"The problem is... she's still really mad at you, Dan."

I love Dan's reaction to that, by the way.

At me? But why?

"Underlying issue... she's still really... not happy with you."

"And I've done nothing but grovel."

Oh yes, Dan Foley, my friends. The master of groveling.

Sierra, you need to apologize for being mad at me

DAN, NO!

But Mike is insistent about this.

"If we have Sierra, we can send Joaquin home."

We can give Rodney a thousand little sads

And Dan is like...

Okay, if it makes Rodney sad, I'll do it

And yep, here comes round three of "Dan has to go apologize to Sierra." Which you know is just going to be a disaster.

Especially if you remember the first two tries.

Try #1

Try #2

First, we get another wonderful Dan Foley confessional.

Where he admits that his first two tries to woo Sierra didn't work all that well.

And what kind of name is Sierra, anyway? What are you, a crayon?

But THIS time, things are going to be magical.

"Unfortunately, Sierra and I definitely hit a rough patch."

"I blew it. Hands down. No excuses. No getting around it. I screwed up."

"And now we need to bring her back into the fold."

So Dan meets up with Mike and Sierra down in the lagoon.

And you're too tall for the water, Sierra. Do you even get that?

I love this scene, by the way.

Yes, this time the apology is going to have a chaperone.

Okay, here we go. Third time. This time with a witness.

Apologize away, Dan!

"Listen Sierra, I screwed up."

"And I wanna earn your trust back."

Okay. Good so far. Do continue.

And how exactly does he earn Sierra's trust back?

Well he explains his side of the situation again. Exactly like he tried to do the first two times.

He does THE EXACT SAME THING AS BEFORE.

Oh gawd. It's like watching a car crash.

"We left you out of the plans because we were worried about you."

"We had to break up a power couple."

Note: He's technically not WRONG in what he's saying. It's just more that... this isn't what Sierra came down here to hear. She came here to get an apology.

And this, of course, is the great paradox of Dan Foley. He's often correct in what he is saying. And he wants you to know that. It's just that no one else cares.

Yeah I'mma let you finish, but this doesn't sound like an apology

And this, of course, is where the apology eventually turns to Dan being condescending to her.

Again.

Like it always will.

Cause that's what Dan does.