The
Funny 115 - The Third One
The Monkey's Paw Tale
of Dan Foley - Merge Time!
Felt cute, might start a jihad against Mike later
"
Hey Mario. Interesting thing about Dan, he signs his name backwards.
Such a Foley thing to do."
Dan's autograph
Okay, so at this point in Worlds Apart, we're up to the merge.
We're
up to the point in the game where drifters become players, where boys
become men, where nobodies become somebodies. Where you officially
become dateable, according to Kat.
Is not dateable
And from here on out, it really looks like the Blue Collars could run this thing all the way to the end.
I mean, why wouldn't they be able to? There are still five of them.
Although this is where I'm going to steal a dramatic insert from Dan Foley.
The Blue Collars SHOULD be able to run this game once they get to the merge...
"However..."
"That being said..."
That's right. There is still a "however."
There are actually still two "howevers".
The first "however" is that Sierra and Dan are no closer than they were before
Which is astounding, even after his three heartfelt, groveling apologies
For
some reason, her loyalty to the Blue Collars is really only a loyalty
to Mike. It has nothing to do with any kinship with Dan.
The audacity
The SECOND "however" is really the big one, though.
This is the one that will eventually cause the Blue Collar tribe to collapse.
The second "however" is that Rodney is absolutely PISSED after the Joaquin vote
He is furious that the Blues voted out his bro tonight, and that nobody warned him
And because Rodney got blindsided by Mike, Dan, and Sierra at the vote tonight, he vows he is going to get revenge.
"People who did me wrong today are gonna pay in the future."
And this will honestly be the biggest storyline in Worlds Apart, pretty much the rest of the season.
The entire second half of the season comes down to Rodney against Mike
And
this is where I need to point out that Dan has very little to do with
the whole Rodney versus Mike storyline. I mean, yeah, Dan is going to
be THERE. And he's going to be a solid number two man for Mike, at
least for a little while.
Yeah Rodney's coming after you. I can't disagree with that.
But for the most part, Rodney against Mike is only going to come down to Rodney against Mike.
While Dan is going to get distracted along the way on a couple of little side quests.
Mike tried to take away all our family visits!
And Shirin is annoying!
And did I mention that Mike tried to take away all our family visits?!
Oh,
and Dan is also going to fall prey to the player who I think was REALLY
the most dangerous player in the game after the merge.
Tyler
Who I like to refer to as "The Dan Whisperer"
Don't
worry. Just put Tyler on the back burner for now. We'll have plenty to
say about him later, once we get further into the writeup.
This isn't technically a writeup. It's a type-up.
Oh shut up.
Anyway,
the takeaway here is that a LOT of things are going to happen in Worlds
Apart after the merge. And sadly (or happily, depending on how you look
at it), Dan has very little to do with most of them. The other, better
players are basically just going to run circles around him. And
it's actually kind of sad to watch, the more you start looking for it.
It really does feel like he was in way over his head out there.
HOW COME NOBODY FEARS ME? DO THEY NOT KNOW I AM DAN FOLEY??
Believe
me, I have read a LOT about the second half of Worlds Apart over
the years. This is one of those seasons that has always fascinated me.
Because of the way it was produced, the way it was edited, and of
course the way it was received by the audience. Because of this, to me,
Worlds Apart will always be one of the most fascinating Survivor
seasons.
Even though, obviously, it wasn't, isn't, and it never will be very popular with the fans.
(from
a Worlds Apart castmember) "Hey Mario, did anyone ever tell you about
the end of our season? The minute we finished filming our final
Tribal, Probst actually fell to his knees behind his podium. He
was so proud of what we had just done. He told us it was the best
season the show had ever produced, and that Survivor fans were going to
love it. Obviously he sort of changed his tune later, when the audience
didn't like it."
The reason I mention that
I have read a lot about Worlds Apart over the years is because I wanted
to share one hard and fast rule I have learned about this season, the
more I have read about it.
The rule I have learned about Worlds Apart over the years is that Dan was much more well-liked than he appears in the episodes.
Okay,
"well-liked" maybe isn't the right word. But Dan certainly wasn't hated
by the players as much as he was by the audience. I mean, you go onto
pretty much any Survivor fan poll, anywhere, and you ask for the least
popular Survivor players of all time. And I can guarantee that Dan
Foley will show up somewhere on the list. He is ALWAYS going to be
mentioned as one of the most hated Survivor players of all time.
"Hey
Mario, long time reader. I see you
are writing your Dan Foley entry, and I wanted to share my Dan
story. A couple of years ago I was doing a rewatch of my favorite
Survivor seasons with my girlfriend at the time. She hadn't seen the
show
before, but she was really getting into it. Then we got to Worlds
Apart. She
hated Dan. HATED him. He was an unfunny misogynistic bigoted clown as
far as she was concerned. I never heard her clap and whoop so hard as
the day
he was voted out. Once we finished the season, I told her Dan was a top
ten Survivor character for me, maybe even top five. This upset her. A
lot.
She felt I was supporting and enabling that kind of behavior. We broke
up the next week. Liking Dan Foley on Survivor literally cost me a
relationship, that is how controversial this guy is."
"This asshole Dan Foley spent hundreds (if not thousands) of
hours trying to get on Survivor. Was a jerk and badmouthed it more
than anyone I can remember. Can't think of a less productive waste of
time than this guy and his past fifteen years or so of his life."
You look around the internet, and you see comments about this like Dan all the time. The fanbase absolutely HATED him.
"Hey Mario, if you could blame Dan for the COVID-19 pandemic I would be very happy."
A recent Reddit poll: Who is the most unintentionally funny player to ever play?
Suggestion #1: Dan Foley
First response to that answer: Gross.
And
this is why it was so fascinating to me when I started talking to
Worlds Apart players behind the scenes for the first time, and I
started asking what Dan was really like. Was he actually THAT person
that we saw on TV? And almost right down the line, the World Aparters
all said pretty much the same thing. They all kinda liked Dan.
Yeah, sure, he's a bit much sometimes. But he's actually a pretty good
guy if you can put up with the drama. In fact, a lot of them were upset at the way the producers treated
Dan during the reunion show. They felt he didn't deserve it.
In
fact, here is my favorite quote about Dan of them all. Warning,
this one is gonna shatter your perceptions of how much of an asshole
you think Dan Foley really was. Hope you're ready for it.
"I know both Shirin and Dan. And, I mean, Shirin hated Dan less than about ten other people in the cast, if that's
any indication. He wasn't all that high on her shit list."
Dan was one of the rare players who actually tried to be nice to her
So
anyway, keep that in mind as we head into the merge here. I just
want you to realize that Dan wasn't as hated by the other players as
much as the fans think he was. But at the same time, he also
wasn't as feared or respected by the other players as much as HE thinks
he was. No one took him seriously as a player at all. And this is what's gonna lead to his outrage at the edit when
he later sees it on TV. He just didn't see the story that everyone else
in the game saw.
He never seemed to realize he was basically just a mascot to everyone.
"Dan
is so delusional. He just doesn't get it. Trying out
for Survivor since the beginning of time, I think he really
crafted
a persona and went on there to play it. And he did, but he
was
expecting a different outcome. He has it all in his head how
he
thought it would go and thinks it went that way for real, but it
was "The Powers That Be" that ruined his image for him. Frankly, the
final six in that season are about the most delusional group ever."
Oh and before I go into the merge, I guess I
should share this little screencap as well. Because I can't say that
EVERYONE in the cast appears to be high on Dan Foley.
This is Jenn's response to an interview Dan did a couple of years ago. I just love the way she words things.
And with that... let's head into the merge!
Let's watch as the other players start running circles around The Danimal.
Dan Foley in Worlds Apart: A Visual
It's day seventeen of Survivor: Worlds Apart. And that means it's time for the merge!
Yay!
And
this is where the number one superfan in the game is about to meet up
with the number two superfan in the game. Yes, this is where the
Keymaster officially meets up with the Gatekeeper.
Hi, I'm Shirin! Let's be Superfan buddies!
Which, as we learned in Ghostbusters, is generally a bad idea for everyone.
Dan doesn't even know who Vecepia was. The audacity.
Sadly, the number three superfan in the game, Max, was no longer available for comment at this point.
Max Dawson on day seventeen
By
the way, I always felt we got cheated because we never saw the first
conversation between Dan and Shirin. Where Shirin realizes that perhaps
Dan might not be the same type of dorky internet superfan as her old
buddy Max.
Shirin: I love you more than Salani.Max: Well I love you more than Tadhana.
Sadly,
we never saw the footage of Dan talking superfan stuff with
Shirin for the first time. But luckily for us, I've brought in the
Funny 115 Re-enactment Players to recreate how that meeting probably
went.
Take it away, re-enactors.
Hi, I'm God.
Yeah I know who you are. I'm Shirin. Stop bullying me.
Well you should be happy with this. I brought you a new Superfan.
Like Max?
Yeah, he's exactly like Max.
That's not Max. That's Dan.
Buuuut he's a superfan.
Yeah but they're not the same thing. That's Dan.
Please don't tell me you think Max and Dan are the exact same thing.
This doesn't help me at all, God! That's the Danimal!
But he's got a beard on.
Ozzy put that there!
IT'S NOT THE SAME! DAN FOLEY IS NOT MAX!
Welllllll then that's a bummer.
So yeah. It's safe to say that Shirin and Dan aren't gonna have the same exact type of a superfan bond.
You say Timbira is better, I say New Nakum is better. Shirin, this is why you're an idiot.
So anyway, here comes the merge.
Yay!
And here comes the traditional feast.
I eat this ham for America!
And here comes a confessional from our favorite old friend, Captain Exuberance.
"It's merge time, baby."
"THAT MEANS FOOD!"
"WE GOT FOOD!"
"WE GOT A BIG CRATE OF FOOD!!"
Dan is basically a big kid in a candy store now.
The Superfan of all superfans actually made it to the merge.
So the players all sit around for a while, and they talk.
"What happened with Joaquin? We thought he and Rodney were going to bond."
"AWWWW, HELL YEAH."
After that we get a scene of the Blue Collars all coming back together.
'Cause you knew they were going to.
We're gonna take this to the end, Kelly. A billion thousand and fifty percent.
(screaming in redneck) "We just gotta solidify one last time, and we got this."
Although, again, Rodney is the one who Mike and the Blue Collars REALLY needs to be looking out for.
Cause he's out there picking up swing votes left and right
For his anti-Mike revenge plan
And with that, we get the next installment of "Wacky Shit Happens to Dan For the Cameras."
It's day eighteen, and Dan's about to pull off some shenanigans
Look at that, I accidentally made love to the immunity necklace again
Just kidding. But he does do this.
That's right. It's the old John Carroll gag. It's the "somebody needs to pee on me" bit.
And here comes Paschal. All the way from Atlanta.
And here's what I love about this scene.
Dan, I'm guessing, is hoping for someone to pee on him
First, he was the fat guy who lost his manties. Now he's the fat guy who needs to be peed on.
Hang on, Dan. I'm still coming.
But Jenn was a lifeguard back home, and she immediately shuts that shit down.
Jenn immediately (and correctly) points out that pissing on a jellyfish
wound doesn't actually do anything. Thus ruining the bit.
The comedy killer
Which leads to this fun little exchange.
I mean, seriously, how can you not like Worlds Apart?
Where else are you gonna see Jenn Brown interact with Dan Foley?
"I was a lifeguard. You need to put that in hot water."
"It's the only thing that's gonna make it feel better."
"Seriously, you want me to go get some water boiled?"
How dare you challenge my knowledge of jellyfish stings
The audacity
"If it's not on hot water in five minutes, I'm gonna be angry, Dan."
Child of snark, I will boil no water for you
And I think people tend to forget the SECOND part of this scene, which is just as perfect.
Dan walks back up towards camp, and he announces a jellyfish got him
To which Shirin asks, excitedly, right as if on cue...
"DO YOU WANT ME TO PEE ON IT??"
And thus ends our little three person jellyfish passion play.
My god. Fucking superfans.
By the way, to his credit, Dan actually does take Jenn's advice. Which I know is probably shocking.
"I already peed on it," he tells Shirin
"It's the hot water that helps more."
"Ohhhhhh," says Shirin
"Can we get some water going please?"
"I just got stung."
Once again, Dan's big Survivor shtick moment has failed to impress.
And just for good measure, Hali reiterates that Jenn was correct
Yeah I got it. Thanks.
And for the second time in a row, Paschal's aged bladder has failed to provide.
Son of a bitch, I'm leaving. Never again.
And anyway, let's skip over some uninteresting stuff.
So the players pick out their new name
Sierra, this flag is for you. Will you marry me?
If it helps, I'm not wearing any pants behind it
And we get a surprisingly patriotic moment from Dan Foley.
Although here's something you probably actually have in common with The Danimal.
"In an interview, Dan claims that 'Merica is the worst tribe name in Survivor history. He actually agrees with Shanini."
And yada yada yada Mike and Rodney are still pretending they're on the same side of the vote.
Blue Collars forever, baby
And Dan is just sort of there, sticking with the whole original tribe loyalty thing.
MY LIFE FOR YOU, BLUE COLLARS!
And this leads us into the first individual immunity challenge.
"You guys ready to get to today's immunity challenge?"
No "absolutely" this time. Instead we get a...
"HELLLLLL YEAAAAAAH!"
"This is... your first... individual immunity challenge."
"This is what you covet now!"
And again, for the superfans, this is a really big moment in their lives.
Dan with the fist pump
Probst with the Probst joke
Dan with the over-laugh
And... uh... that's when Dan's enthusiasm pretty much come crashing back down to earth.
Because let's just say he wasn't physically designed to be good at this one.
Faaaaaaat guy on a littttttttttle pole
Anyway, Dan Foley is out first.
The audacity
So that's that.
Oh, and Jenn also steals all his thunder by doing some of Dan's act.
A stingray jumped up and got me. Somebody pee on me!
That's not how you sell that bit at all, thinks Dan
Okay, so now it's time to scramble leading up the first individual vote.
Again, Dan doesn't have a whole lot to do with any of this.
His contribution is mainly to stand there and listen to Mike talk
"We have to play nice with Rodney tonight so we don't piss him off," screams Mike in hoarse hillbilly
Mike suggests they all vote for Jenn tonight. And Dan is clearly not on board.
And I hope you didn't miss this fantastically dramatic Dan Foley eye roll.
What Dan thinks of the Jenn plan
And you know what? On this one occasion, Dan is actually right. Mike is
wrong, and Dan Foley is right. The Blue Collars shouldn't have
piled their votes onto Jenn as a big show of unity.
Because unbeknownst to Dan, but knownst to us in the audience, we then get this little counter-alliance.
"It's weird, man," says Jenn. "The blue collars hate each other, but they still all vote together."
"So why don't we just all team up against them and vote out Kelly?"
"Oh, and also, I have an idol."
And oh well, Blue Collars.
Your post-merge dominance was fun while it lasted.
It's all fun and games until they vote out ya girl
Bye Kelly
The audacity
Oh, and I hope you didn't forget this little Dan Foley moment.
Where
Tyler is SO descriptive in his assessment of what's going on right now,
that Dan immediately has to try to one-up him. Just so Tyler isn't
gonna steal his airtime.
"The vote's gonna reveal a lot about the game tonight, Jeff,"
"The lines tonight are gonna be drawn with an ice pick."
An icepick. Wow.
"No, not just an icepick, Jeff."
"The line tonight's gonna be drawn with a chainsaw."
And again... Just like a couple of days ago...
Wow. A chainsaw too. This is going to be interesting.
And god bless Jenn for always stepping in and saying what needs to be said.
"There's gonna be all these definitive lines tonight. Woooooo."
How dare you
And that's when we lose the player who I'm guessing was pretty much the heart of the Blue Collars.
No, not Mike. I mean Kelly.
This is because you wouldn't pee on me, Jenn. Good luck to you out there.
Jenn plays an idol to save herself. None of the votes against her are going to count.
Oh crap
Hee hee hee hee
And with that we lose the player who I feel really got shafted in the edit.
And who was probably way more important to Survivor history than any of us saw.
Heidi Strobel
Wait, what? No!
Heidi, get out of my writeup!
But when Kelly left Tribal, I knew instantly she had been voted out of the game
Fuck off, Heidi.
We didn't lose Heidi Strobel, we lost Kelly.
I even got purpled in my own writeup. Thanks a lot.
And with that, Dan (not to mention the rest of the Blue Collars) are suddenly going to have to dig themselves out of hole.
For the first time all game
In the next chapter, we'll see what Dan's strategy is like when
he's no longer in the most dominant alliance in the game, and he's all
of a sudden just a nobody down at the bottom. When he is no longer
a "loyalty player", and he suddenly becomes more of a "finesse player."
And, uh, here's a little spoiler for you.
When Dan tries to finesse people, it's not pretty.
Listen Shirin, I just came to apologize...
Continue on to The Monkey's Paw Tale of Dan Foley - Dan, The Smooth Talking Rogue
