The
Funny 115 - The Third One
The Monkey's Paw Tale
of Dan Foley - The Calm Before the Big Storm
Felt cute, might fellate a candy bar later
"I
remember my initial reason for not liking Dan, was because he voted
out Joaquin. And then my dislike increased when he took credit for
being the one with the idea to vote out Joaquin. And in retrospect,
that might be a unique reason for disliking the Danimal."
Episode nine is a fun one for Dan, because it's
mostly just him doing wacky comic relief stuff. And it doesn't have any
of the controversy that the previous episode ("someone should
beat Shirin") had and the following one ("Will practically DOES beat
Shirin") is going to have. And that's why I'll always call this episode
"the calm before the storm episode." This one is the gentle
little lull in the middle.
This is also the fall of Joey Amazing episode, if you're
scoring along at home
So anyway, let's zip through this episode before we get back to the
controversial stuff.
So the Mericans come back to camp after the Hali vote
And, as usual, there is a good amount of
bickering over what just went down at Tribal Council.
I mean, it wouldn't be Worlds Apart if people weren't
arguing with each other
Again, please note that this was the ONLY reason Worlds Apart was cast
the way that it was. The producers intentionally designed a season that
was supposed to be more like Big Brother, and less like Survivor. This
cast was DESIGNED to not get along with each other. They were, in every
way that is humanly possible, worlds apart.
Oh yeah, and Mike, as always, attempts to play
peacemaker
And, uh, remember when I said I suspected Dan and Shirin's
relationship was probably more like an old, bickering married
couple?
Well guess what? The big superfan trivia fight over whether Tony
Vlachos was a flipper is still going on.
Much to everyone else's delight
So here's part two of the argument over the nuances of Cagayan.
Shirin lays down the first salvo
And superfan the elder rebuts.
"I don't understand how a fan like you can't know the
difference between
a flip..."
"... and a blindside."
"Kass flipped."
Tony didn't.
And how dare any superfan challenge another superfan's knowledge of
Pringles Potato Chip Can Trivia.
Says Shirin
To which Dan replies...
"Oh you're right, Little Miss Know It All."
"You know EVERYTHING."
Annnnnnd the Cagayan trivia fight continues.
My god, Dan, stop being a J'Tia
I'm not being a J'Tia. You're being an L.J.
And Spencer was not Jamaican, either
What are you talking about? Spencer was from May Pen.
Oh, and here's a great little Dan moment that I don't think most people
remember.
Where he literally pulls a strategy right from Russell Hantz.
Shirin points out that Mike is getting her jury vote at the end of the
game
To which Dan replies...
That's right. His comeback to her saying she will vote against him in
the jury is just reminding her she will be IN the jury.
Thanks, Dan. You were always a savvy one.
Again... "I INSULT PEOPLE ALL THE TIME, AND IT GETS ME TO
THE END!"
"The best part about
Dan is how he thinks he knows everything yet has absolutely zero
self-awareness. I actually think if he had self-awareness about how he
comes across that he could be a pretty killer player. Instead he's
Russell Hantz levels of bad."
Shirin once again reiterates the fact that he's losing her jury vote.
As if Dan didn't catch it before.
And I gotta say this about this scene. Just go back and look at all the
screencaps of the other people listening to Dan and Shirin fight. And
you can tell how often everyone else has had to listen to this shit.
Will is already bored of it
Tyler is silently correcting their grammar every time
Rodney would rather be at home right now, eating Steak-umms
Anyway, so once again, Dan sorta sucked on that game.
I'll put you IN the jury, Shirin. How about that?
Yeah no shit, asswipe, I basically just told you that.
"Dan Foley is the kid the
bullies pick on in the cafeteria and no one
cares because he 100% deserves it."
Okay, so let's get to the episode nine reward challenge.
This is a fun one because, well...
Because it's this one
That's right. Here comes one of the standout
scenes in Worlds Apart.
Even people who hate this season tend to enjoy this particular
challenge.
Insert Wilhelm scream
I'm not going to recap this whole challenge. Mainly because I've already written
an entire entry about it. But I do want to point out a couple
of fun Dan moments.
First off, you know for a fact this is gonna happen at the start of
every Worlds Apart challenge.
"Wanna know what you're playing for?"
The reward for this particular challenge is a trip to the Survivor
Chocolate Cafe.
Where the winners will get all the chocolate
Including Snickers bars
That they can eat
And Dan actually manages to top himself with the "worth playing
for?/hell yeah!" part of the exchange on this one.
In this challenge, we get the rare Dan Foley overreaction double.
I guess the guy just really loves chocolate.
"Worth playing for?"
And then... please send the kids from the room, I'm sorry... here comes
the part where Dan starts to sexualize chocolate.
Like the world's tiniest blowjob
Oh dear god, no, he swallowed
And thaaaaaaaaat's whyyyyyy.....
You don't give someone from Maine a sample of chocolate
I mean, seriously, Maine.
om nom nom nom
What is up with you guys?
Oh and I don't think I've forgotten Bob's reaction to vegetables,
either.
Maine, we're gonna have to have a little talk at some point
So anyway, the challenge commences.
And again, for one brief moment two brief moments in his life, Dan flew
And even Jeff seemed to enjoy this challenge.
lol, watch all the fat guys fall down
And hey, guess what? At the end of the challenge, Dan even wins this one.
We're going to the Chocolate Cafe!
Oh, and remember how I said Dan was probably a lot closer to people than he appears in most of the episodes?
Well, file these next two images away under that particular category.
Here's Dan celebrating with his mortal enemy, Sierra
And here he is holding hands with his other mortal enemy, Shirin
Not too bad for a guy the fans recently voted the single most unlikable piece of shit ever to play Survivor.
How you like me now, Reddit?
Anyway, with that, let's head off to the Chocolate Cafe.
Yay!
Which means it's time for another Dan Foley installment of...
I don't know if you've ever listened to my podcast about Survivor history, The Survivor Historians.
But one of our most famous bits on Historians is when we made fun of
Zoe from Marquesas for the way she deep throated a Snickers bar.
I do this for Maine!
Well Dan's about to top even Zoe.
Because on Worlds Apart, the editors treat us to a loving close up of Dan eating, yes, another Snickers Bar.
As slowly
And sensually
As possible
And that sound you hear in the background is Colby being triggered into a massive PTSD attack.
Because he knew this is EXACTLY what Jerri wanted to do to him
Anyway, so that's our final installment of...
Let's move on from the chocolate jokes.
Oh my godddddd, they had Dove Bars!
So we go back to camp after the challenge.
And this next scene doesn't actually involve Dan directly.
But I still feel it's worth throwing in here.
This is where we see Rodney doing his impression of Dan Foley
"Welllllll... ya knowwwwwww, Jeff... it comes back to a story of me and my
friends in Maaaaine."
"You gottttttta appreciate good people when you come by themmmm."
I know everyone loves Rodney's impression of Mike. And rightfully so. But to me, his Dan impression is really the funniest one.
Rodney nails Dan's overexaggerated way of speaking just PERFECTLY.
"I don't understand how people couldn't love such an over-animated
buffoon like Dan."
And here's a little montage of everyone laughing at Rodney making fun of Dan's speaking style.
Even Jenn enjoys a good Dan Foley impression
"This
is the cleanest and nicest police car I've ever been in in my life."
Technically an Axel Foley quote, but I feel like Dan Foley would have
been
good in Beverly Hills Cop as well."
And guess what, we still have TWO more fun Dan Foley moments to go. Just in this episode (episode nine) alone!
For obvious reasons, this is probably my favorite Worlds Apart episode.
Because now it's time for the episode nine immunity challenge
Here's a fun little exchange at the start of this challenge, between Probst and Dan. And also, in this case, Shirin.
"You guys ready to get to today's immunity challenge?"
You know he's gonna say it...
"ABSOLUTELY!"
And remember that thing about Dan and Shirin being like an old married couple, who are already absolutely sick of each other?
Well check out her reaction to this.
HOW MANY TIMES IS GOING TO KEEP FUCKING SAYING THAT?
I mean, how can you not love those fun little moments like this?
Worlds Apart is just full of them.
I'VE ONLY BEEN ON HIS MAT FOR FIVE CHALLENGES AND I'VE ALREADY HEARD IT FIVE TIMES
So anyway, the immunity challenge commences.
Hey this isn't fair. Sierra is ten feet tall!
And I can't resist pointing out that...
As Dan Foley is standing
With his white, scruffy face
And his red, stripey hat
He bears a strong resemblance to...
And even though Dan struggled.
And struggle he did
He still gave a strong effort.
In his immunity bid
But eventually he fell.
As all warriors do
Because Dan Foley hates wood.
He also breaks through bamboo
And as Dan Foley fell...
Like a felled postal clerk
Jeff Probst had to warn him.
Watch out for Jenn, you big jerk
"Seriously, stop. God."
And that's the story of how...
Dan said shit, shit, shit, shit
'Cause he's not good at balance.
Not one little bit
Oh, and then at the end of the challenge, he's a complete dick, and he openly cheers when Jenn falls.
YOU WON, TYLER! JENN LOST! YES!
Smooth move, captain jury vote.
I seriously hate you, Dan
"*smh* I mean, Dans and Survivor. Am I right?"
So anyway, Dan isn't going to be safe at Tribal Council tonight.
But it doesn't really matter, because Joe didn't win immunity today either. Tyler did.
And that means Joe IS going to be vulnerable tonight.
Joey Vulnerable
And here comes another great "Dan Foley is a tool" moment that you might have forgotten about.
Seriously,
this is a PERFECT sequel to Dan's inability to babysit Joe in the last
episode, because Dan was too busy changing his pants. The producers
couldn't have scripted this episode nine followup moment any
better.
Dan actually lets Joe go run off and search for an idol AGAIN.
After the immunity challenge, Dan goes off to talk strategy with Joe in the woods
Which is really just a team effort by everyone, so Joe can't go run off and look for an idol
Mike has been doing the exact same thing
So Dan takes Joey Delicious out into the woods.
And he explains to him...
"There's nothing I could do to swing everyone. They're all going to vote for you."
Then Dan heads back to camp.
I better tell Mike that Joe knows he's going home now
Which means Joe is now free, of course, to...
Run off and search for an idol
And again, way to go with the babysitting, Dan Foley.
And thaaaaaaat's whyyyyyy Hali was totally correct in her instincts of Dan as a babysitter.
See, told ya
She called this shit almost three days ago.
So anyway, Dan, what do you think Joe's doing right about now?
Thinks about it for a second
"OH FUCK!"
Although you do have to give Dan points for improvement.
At least losing the baby didn't involve his pants this time.
Hey I've got an idea, says Dan, let's go look for him
And there's a whole convoluted subplot that comes up here now. With Joe making a fake idol because no one can find him.
Look at me, I'm a clever little elf
This is why you never leave a jewelry designer unattended
And Joe winds up giving the fake idol to Mike.
In exchange for his vote.
Hey Jeff, I'd like to beat Dan with this fake idol he let Joe make. Please can I?
Wait, Joe had an idol?
But none of that is really relevant to the plot of this entry.
The only takeaway you need to take from episode nine is that Joey Sedition is finally voted out of the game.
*smuff*
Even after Dan fucked up watching him, yet again.
FUCK! You mean that babies can crawl?
And then, once again, Mike had to step in and fix things.
The Worlds Apart storyline, in a nutshell
And this, then, leads us perfectly into the next episode.
The big one.
Episode ten.
The Total Drama Island Episode
Where everything is going to devolve into an incident that pretty much everyone in the fanbase remembers. And hates.
The Will and Shirin incident
But here's the best thing about that incident. At least, from the perspective of it being part of a Dan Foley writeup.
History might not remember this fact all that well...
But Dan had absolutely nothing to do with it
Continue on to The Monkey's Paw Tale of Dan Foley - Total Drama Island
