The Funny 115 - The Third One


The Monkey's Paw Tale of Dan Foley - Total Drama Island




Felt cute, might call out the Survivor production team later
"So is it just me, or does it add to the Monkey's Paw curse that he isn't even the most infamous Survivor Dan anymore?"



Before I get into the storyline of Worlds Apart episode ten, I have to take a moment here at the start and go on a quick little shalingua shalupa shakwaria first. Just because there's something I feel you need to know if you're a newbie Survivor fan.

Actually, I feel you need to know it if you're an old, annoying, know-it-all Survivor fan too, but most of them probably already do.




Yes, thank you Max. We got that.

Anyway, I need to tell you about an online Survivor game I ran once, called Survivor: Okinawa.

Survivor: Okinawa was a online roleplaying game (aka, an "ORG") I ran back in the summer and fall of 2003. And I will always say it was the one and only thing that truly taught me how Survivor worked. Prior to running Okinawa, I THOUGHT I knew how Survivor worked. I mean, hell, I had already been writing a column about Survivor strategy for nearly two years. I wrote the first Survivor strategy column on the history of the internet. When Rob Cesternino was preparing to play in Amazon for the first time, my Andy Kaufman Strategy column was one of the things he read to prepare for it.

I wrote all that stuff prior to 2003, but I still didn't really understand how Survivor worked.

Insert Russell Hantz joke



But then I ran Survivor: Okinawa in the summer of 2003.

And holy shit did I learn a lot of things about the way that Survivor actually plays out.




Yeah we got it, Max. Fuck off.

So anyway, what did I learn from running an ORG?

Well, the main thing I learned (which has nothing to do with do with strategy, or with game theory, by the way) was that the players have NO IDEA what the storyline actually is when they are playing the game. Seriously, none. Nobody out there has ANY idea what the storyline of their season is going to be.

Even if you're Richard Hatch, even if you're the king of Survivor strategy himself, you really have no idea what is going on in everyone else's little world.

When you are playing a game of Survivor, all you can do is see the season from the perspective of your OWN story.

Which is gonna tie in really well to the tale of Dan Foley in a minute



I remember sitting down to run Okinawa on the first day, and I remember I told all the players to "send me your chat logs!" I needed to see all their interactions with each other. And then I told them, "send me all your confessionals!" They were required to write at least one confessional a day. Just so I could see where they were in the game.

And I was ASTOUNDED when I saw those confessionals and chat logs start to come in.

I had no idea that sixteen players could all have A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT VIEW of what was actually going on in the game.

Sixteen players, sixteen realities. It was like talking with Debbie.



So anyway, that was the lesson I learned when I ran a game of Survivor for the first time. Holy shit, nobody knows ANYTHING. None of the players have the first clue what is actually going on in the game.

They all simply think that THEY are the star of the show. And that THEIR storyline is the only important one actually going on.

In fact, fuck that, it's actually even bigger than that. It's not so much that every player thinks their storyline is the only important one going on. Most of them don't even seem to realize that the other players might actually have a story to begin with. And that this other story might actually be more interesting than their story is.

Watching the whole thing play out, from a producer/writer point of view, was just incredibly eye-opening.

"And that's why Kelly Sharbaugh and I are clearly dominating this game."



So anyway, that's the big takeaway I wanted you to get from all this.

There isn't just one storyline in a season of Survivor. Underline that, memorize that, commit that to memory. Every Survivor fan should be aware of that. There isn't just one specific storyline in a season of Survivor. Never has been, never will be. There are actually up to twenty different storylines going on, at any one time. Up to thirty, in fact, if you are playing with Sugar.

Survivor: Gabon. Never forget.



But yeah that's the big lesson that I learned from Okinawa. And that I want to make sure every single Survivor fan on the face of the earth who is reading this really understands.

There isn't just one storyline in a Survivor season. There are up to twenty different storylines. And every single player is their own little director of their story in their head. Oh, and nobody controls a game of Survivor, either. Or controls the vote. No one really know, or controls, ANYTHING out there. They all just think that they do.

All you can do, as a player, is try to minimize your chances of ever being voted out of the game. And hope that none of your allies goes rogue and does anything stupid to fuck up your storyline. Because remember, you have no idea what they are doing when you aren't around. You can't control them, and they can't control you. And their storyline isn't necessarily even tied into your storyline in their first place. They have their OWN storyline that they are working with.

The only four things you can really do while you are playing Survivor are A) minimize your chances for a disaster, B) be smart, C) be adaptable, and D) buckle up for the ride. Oh, and hope that YOUR story winds up becoming the most important one in the end. Because if that happens, then the editors will now choose YOUR story as being THE story. And that's how you wind up becoming the star of the season. That is what's known in reality TV circles as "a winner's edit."

Watch Kaoh Rong again sometime, and watch how often the editors insert Michele into the narrative. Just because she won.

Even though she might not have even been involved in some of the things she is commenting on, we still hear her weigh in on them

That means Kaoh Rong now becomes HER storyline

Her opinion becomes the only one that matters in the narrative



And on the flip side, the idea of a season just being "the winner's storyline" is ALSO how you get players complaining to the press after the season ends.

When they see their season finally air on TV, and they don't think that the story is accurate.

Now known as the Dan Foley strategy



It's not so much that the edit is WRONG.

It's just that THEIR story isn't the one that is being told in the episodes. And players aren't used to seeing their particular season of Survivor that way, from the side of the producers. I've seen it hundreds of times over the years at this point, in both my Okinawa game, and also on the real show. Players are NOT used to seeing Survivor from any angle other than their own.

They aren't used to seeing Survivor play out when it isn't their storyline.

And they don't like it.




Okay Max, that's it. I'm going to put you in time out.

So anyway, with all that in mind, let's take a look at episode ten of Worlds Apart now. From Dan Foley's perspective.

Keep in mind that this is NOT the way you have ever looked at this episode before. It's going to be totally foreign to you, because this was NOT the storyline in the episode. But it was most definitely DAN'S storyline. And this is why it's important to remember that there wasn't just one storyline going on in Worlds Apart, there were actually eighteen.

Just because this wasn't the story of the season, that doesn't mean it was irrelevant.

Ready to wade back into this fun?
"Why the fuck was Dan still complaining about his edit thirty seasons into the franchise? You'd think a superfan of his caliber would have actually understood how reality TV works. I was always shocked he was as dense about the process as he seemed to be."
"Dan is a fucking idiot. I've only watched the show for two years, and even I understand how reality TV editing works. Maybe he was huffing too much glue out at the post office."
"I wonder to what extent Dan's offscreen activities hurt him. The interview he did with his local paper without CBS permission in which he complained about the edit certainly was the catalyst for the big reunion "gotcha" moment. In fact, it's always made me wonder if it's the reason his edit starts to get really really bad in the last couple of episodes. It would be interesting to see if his edit getting brutal somehow corresponds to when he started speaking out against them."
"Dan's edit is bumbling doofus for part of the season, and then they just absolutely murder him in the last couple of episodes. It was actually like slaughtering sheep. Remember, sheep were made to feel comfortable before the butcher went for the kill."
"Hey Mario, that quote in the last chapter about someone being pissed that Dan was the one who voted Joaquin out. Did Rodney send you that comment?"



First off, here's the part of episode ten (aka "Total Drama Island") that I wanted to get out of the way first.

Will and Shirin's storyline?



Completely irrelevant.

Dan has nothing to do with any of that.

And none of that has anything to do with Dan Foley.

An important moment for sure, but not really part of Dan's storyline



From Dan's perspective, episode ten was really about THIS.

This is what HE would have considered the biggest, most important moment of not only episode ten, but also Worlds Apart in general.

To him, this was clearly the only story of the season.

Mike turns on his friends by screwing everyone over

And that means that Mike's now the bad guy



Seriously, if you watch this episode (and the rest of the season in general) from Dan's perspective, in the way that HE would have watched it, you really actually to start to feel bad for the guy. He really goes through an emotional wringer starting in episode ten.

As do we all, Dan. As do we all.



It's actually pretty brutal when you start to look for it.




Come here, big guy. Would you like a hug from the Hot Rod?



And, again, it's something you don't really notice at first, simply because the Shirin and Will storyline is just way more interesting.

Once again, another superfan's story gets all the precedent



Okay, so let's go through episode ten.

Which is going to look completely different to you now that you look at it through Dan's eyes.

In fact, it's actually kind of tragic the more you dig into it.

Especially when the better, smarter players are going to just start mind-fucking the guy

Repeatedly
"For some reason I listened to Dan's interview on Survivor Oz the other day, and he's still Danning it up. Since I don't think too many other people are gonna spend four hours listening to Dan this is the kind of stuff he's going on about:

1. Dan's view of his exit interviews (the ones saying CBS lied about his edit) was that he was simply standing up for himself, by telling the truth.
2. Mike "personally" took Dan's wife away from him. By this Dan means that because Mike told Carolyn they were coming for her, she knew to play her idol that night. So it was all Mike's fault Dan didn't make it to the family visit.
3.  Dan thinks Jeff Probst is the equivalent of a little kid covered in cookie crumbs while insisting he didn't take anything from the cookie jar.
4. The Jerks at CBS wouldn't let Dan see his wife since he was eliminated before the family challenge.
5. Dan closes the interview by claiming that Jeff Probst is a "diva bitch."



Episode ten starts with, again, the storyline that Dan considered the biggest part of the season.

And I also consider the biggest part of the season, if you want me to be honest.

Rodney's vendetta against Mike



See, Rodney is still mad at the way Mike voted out Joaquin a couple of episodes ago.

He's also just never been a fan of Mike Holloway in general, on a personal level

Durrrrrrrr. I'm from Texas. Durrrrrrrr.



Also, keep in mind that the Blue Collars don't have Kelly around anymore to keep everyone banded together.

I've always assumed that she was important here.

Great scott, Marty, they're fading out of existence!



And without Kelly here anymore...

And with the end of the game now approaching...

That means that "Rodney vs. Mike" is no longer a Survivor Cold War.

Two worlds collide, rival nations



Episode ten is where Rodney finally decides he is going to pull out the heavy artillery.

It's time to do my Tom Brady, baby

It's time for that redneck to go



And this leads us into the opening scene of episode ten.

Where Rodney starts gathering his forces so they can team up against Mike

Rodney starts talking to everyone about pulling off a big Mike Holloway blindside



Again, Dan doesn't have anything to do with this.

Dan Foley isn't even there.

But Mike is there



And Mike is like Tommy Wiseau at this point.





He overhear everything



And this is where Mike's gameplan suddenly changes from "I gotta protect the Blue Collars at all costs!" to "I gotta protect Mike Holloway at all costs!"

Oh great. Thanks a lot, Rodney



And sadly, this is what what Dan is later going to interpret as "Mike turning to the dark side."

I HATE YOU MIKE, YOU BIG SCUMBAG



And so here you go. If you ever wanted to see the darkest of ironies about Dan and his whole Monkey's Paw Survivor experience, here it is.

Here is the gut punch.

Here is the darkest, dark irony of them all.

Dan's whole falling out with Mike only happens because of a misunderstanding

The only reason they become enemies is because he misinterprets Mike's storyline



And with that, let's head off to the food auction.

In Survivor, all bad things start with a food auction



The auction starts off fun enough, of course.

As they always do.

Yay! We like food! We like bidding!



We even get some shots of the happy young BFFs, Dan and Sierra.

Eating is fun!



And we get a couple of fun, comedic exchanges at the start, of course.

You know that's gonna be grilled ass or something, right?

Ha ha, Will said "grilled ass"

Congratulations Will, it's grilled ass

Motherfucker



But then the auction starts to get a little bit dark.

"You just bought yourself out of this auction," reads Will

Take all your shit. And take the 10 to the 405 to La Cienega, and take a left on La Brea, and get outta here.

SHIT!

Oh, man!



Chad even reacts, all the way from Lakatoro.

Holy crap!



So anyway, Will has been removed from the food auction.

Without getting any food.




And because of this, everyone is just sort of in a really bad mood.

Bye guys. Don't give any food to Shirin.

Are you kidding me? Why would you kick him out of the auction?




That was brilliant, and droll, but unfortunate



But despite everyone just being in a pissy mood after the Will thing, the auction continues.

Wine time, baby

Check out the tang of this dip

SLURRRRRRRRRRP!



And nowwwwww, we finally get to the moment that everyone is waiting for.

Are you guys not bidding on food, because you're all just waiting for an advantage?

(screaming in redneck) YES!

Yes!

ABSOLUTELY!



So Jeff says fine. We'll stop bidding on food, and we'll just bid on the advantage. I mean, you all knew one was coming.

Because nothing makes a show more unpredictable... than always being predictable



But then he decides to throw all the players a little curveball.

Okay you freaks, we'll bid for the advantage...

"But before we do, let's bid on THIS."

That's probably grilled ass again, isn't it?

Inside here are new manties!





Just kidding!

"Love. You are bidding on letters from home."



And this is where Dan totally breaks down.







\



I know a lot of people will make fun of Dan for breaking down in this scene. Mostly because, well, because most online Survivor fans are dicks. But I have no doubt that this isn't just a show for the cameras. Because keep in mind that Dan has ALREADY had one emotional breakdown in this game. We never actually saw it in the episodes, but he later talked about it in a bunch of his interviews.
"Mario, you gotta find the interview with Dan where he talks about how mad he was at the producers. Which I know is like saying you gotta find that scene in San Juan Del Sur where Alec always has mouth hanging open, sorry. But he goes on in this one interview about how he knew he was going to be the villain in Worlds Apart, when the producers didn't show him breaking down over missing his wife on the second day. He was really, really upset that they cut out that part of his storyline."
"Dan's so infuriating to listen to in interviews. He so desperately wanted to be seen as the big-hearted guy who missed his wife back home. And he's mentioned more than once how the show didn't include those scenes of him crying on Day 2 about missing their anniversary. But to me he just sounds like he's angry that his big scene was cut. He's just mad that he didn't get his beloved airtime."


So anyway, keep that in mind when you are watching this scene.

Dan has already had one emotional breakdown out here over missing his wife. And not being home with her on their anniversary day.

This breakdown over seeing a letter from her is probably legit



And with that, let the bidding for the letters commence!

There's a letter here for all of you, explains Probst

And Shirin, if no one sent you a letter, you can have Will's

Max also provided you with some Cagayan fun facts

God bless you, Lord Maximus



And this is where having a superfan in the cast really pays off.

Oh, sorry Dan, not you. I'm talking about the other one.



So Shirin turns around, and she explains to everyone how the bidding for the loved one letters always works on Survivor.

"Whatever the highest bid ends up being, Jeff lets everyone buy their letter for that price."



Which is correct.

Thank god we cast superfans who can recite all my plot twists



So Sierra bids twenty dollars for her letter from home.

I WOULD LIKE SOME LOVE FOR GIGANTOR

"Sold for twenty!"



And then comes the plot twist that Shirin predicted.

"Anyone ELSE want to buy theirs for twenty? You all can now. Surprise!"

Ha ha, I knew it!



And this, of course, puts the players who were saving their money for an advantage in an interesting position.

Namely Mike

Dan

And the smile queen, Carolyn



Do they still save all their money for an advantage?

Or do they all spend twenty dollars, and also bid on their love letters?

Hmm

What to do? What to do?

Guys, let me tell you how I think Kim Spradlin would play this



And this leads us into the most interesting ethical dilemma we've seen on Survivor in many years. 

So what's it gonna be, guys? Love letters from home, or an advantage?

I don't know




I don't know

If you spend thirty, I'll also let you touch the big Boston Rob head



And finally, Carolyn turns around to the other two, and she offers a compromise.

"Let's do it for twenty dollars, then we fight for the advantage fair and square for four-eighty."

"Is that a deal?"



Mike is still on the fence about this though.

Because thanks to the whole Rodney thing he overheard this morning, he really, really NEEDS that advantage right about now.

He knows that the Hot Rod is coming for him



But eventually Dan pleads with Mike, and gets him to give in.

Because Dan really really REALLY needs that letter from his wife.

"Please??"



So Mike eventually says...

Okay, sure. I'll do it.



And this sets the stage for what I'd argue is the single most important moment of Survivor: Worlds Apart.

They all come up to buy their letters from home

Or some fun trivia facts about Jefra, from Max



And Mike even implores Dan to go first.

Like a gentleman.

No you go first, Dan. You miss your wife the most.



And then, as they say in pro wrestling, here comes the big screwjob.

First, Dan goes on a shakwaria about how much this letter from his wife means to him

"We have a love affair like you read about in books, Jeff."

"Day two out here was my wedding anniversary."



And here's Mike in the back, deciding if he really wants to go through with this.

Or if he wants to save all his money, and get that advantage for sure.

As seen on the subreddit r/MomentsBeforeDisaster



Because, once again...

Thanks for talking so loud, Rodney



And here comes one of the all-time Survivor history scumbag moments.

Dan tearfully says, "Thank you."

And Mike non-tearfully says, "No thanks. No letter."



And just like that...

Mike fires a shot across the bow of the U.S. mail delivery system.




Probst recognizes what Mike just did, and he instantly gets a producer boner.

"Mike, not buying his letter! MIKE, MAKING A BIG MOVE!"

Fuck it, says Mike, I just want that advantage



And this, of course, sets off a shockwave of reactions from the other players.

Oh my god. Mike.

"WOW!"

"Mike didn't do it?!?"

Buddy, I'll have you know that denying mail is a federal crime



But Mike just sits there, unapologetic over it.

I've still got five hundred dollars for the advantage. Peace out.



And here comes the big fallout over Mike screwing over Dan and Carolyn.

Dan calls him a scumbag



Carolyn walks up, and she wants her money back.

"That's bullshit. I'll give it back."



Dan lays into Mike, and starts to guilt trip him.

"So much for your trust, Mike."



Tyler enjoys a drink from a water bottle.

I enjoy water, it's wet.



The auction just totally devolves into chaos.

I will never trust you again, Mike Holloway. You horrible miscreant.

For this now a blood feud of the gods

The audacity!

SLURRRRRRRRRRRP!
"Hey Mario, if you listen to Dan's Survivor Oz interview, he says a lot was cut out of this scene. Apparently Carolyn was not going to get a refund at all, Jeff said that all sales were final. And Mike only gave in and bought the letter because Probst started guilt-tripping him. It didn't happen right away."



It might not have happened right away, but it does happen at some point eventually.

Carolyn and Dan's (and apparently Probst's too) guilt trips eventually get Mike to change his mind.

"I can't do it", he says, "I'll buy it."



So Mike gives in, and he buys his letter.

All should be well now.

But the damage has been done.

When you insult the mail, you insult Dan Foley

Mama See, Mama Hate



Mike even seems to realize how bad he just fucked up, politically.

I just screwed up a thousand and eight point five percent



And, of course, here is the thing I wanted to reiterate, when it comes to Survivor not just having one storyline, but actually having eighteen.

In Dan Foley's eyes, from here on out, pretty single every minute for the rest of the game...

Mike is the villain out here



Now, obviously, you can argue that Dan's storyline is inaccurate. That Mike is the villain.

You can argue (like most people do) that Worlds Apart is a terrible season overall, because it was mostly populated by assholes. And that it is only defendable AT ALL because the one good guy in the cast, Mike, somehow overcame everyone else at the end, and he defeated everyone.

That seems to be the opinion among most Survivor fans when it comes to Survivor: Worlds Apart. Which does, and always will, rank very low whenever there's a fan poll about the most popular Survivor seasons. People are always going to pile on and talk about how much Worlds Apart sucks.

In fact, just check out this quote before. This is the general opinion of Survivor: Worlds Apart, in a nutshell.
"Worlds Apart is what Survivor would look like if it was produced by Vince McMahon. A bunch of heels all trying to out-goat each other to make it to the end, only to be defeated by the All-American boy at the end."



I don't tend to like quotes like that, because they are simply way too much binary thinking for me. Survivor never IS or ISN'T any one particular thing. It is usually more of a collection of a things. And Worlds Apart, to me, is clearly influenced by the theme that they chose for the season: Worlds Apart.

Remember, the producers specifically went out and cast eighteen people this season who came from wildly different walks of life. And who they knew were probably never going to agree on anything. Or, heaven forbid, get along. I mean, hell, that was the entire point of this season in the first place! Everyone here is going to have a different view of the world. They are all, literally, in every sense of the phrase, worlds apart.

Which, to me, is why Worlds Apart will always be one of the most fascinating seasons of them all. It is one of the rare later seasons that actually feels like it could have been one of the earlier seasons. Just take eighteen people who you know are never going to get along. Who were, in fact, DESIGNED never to be able to get along. And just stand back and watch what happens. Watch what happens when the fireworks explode.

Mike Holloway, you exploded my firework



To get back to my argument, yeah there is one "official" storyline in Worlds Apart. Mike is the hero, and Mike triumphs over evil. I mean, shit, Mike is the only one who later stands up for Shirin. So of COURSE he's the hero.

But in Dan's storyline, Mike isn't the hero. In Dan's storyline, Mike is the villain. And I'm guessing Mike is also the villain in Carolyn's storyline. And I'm guessing Mike is also the villain in Rodney's storyline. It's not really as simple and binary as saying "Mike is the good guy, and they are the bad guys."

Remember, just because they chose Mike's story as being THE story, that doesn't mean it was the ONLY story.

Had Rodney won Worlds Apart, I'm guessing the storyline changes a lot.

I won this season in honor of my mother

The moral of the story is, you don't disrespect a guy's family, or you lose



And here's the last takeaway I wanted you to take from all this.

Just because Dan, Carolyn, and Rodney saw Mike as a villain, that doesn't mean they were wrong. Mike WAS the big villain in their storyline. It just means that, in the final version of the TV show, it just wasn't their story. Because Mike won, the show now became Mike's story. And, to a much lesser extent, it also became Shirin's story.

There isn't just one storyline going on on Survivor, there are lots of them.

Never forget that.




Thank you, Michael Bolton.

Yes, let's get back to the fun stuff.

So everyone has their letter from home now

Good thing it's shaped like a tube, cause I know what I'm doing with this later



And that means it's time for Dan, Mike, and Carolyn to all fight for the advantage now.

Which has basically now turned into a game of "just don't let Mike get it"



And here's Jeff, revealing the big fat golden goose that everyone has been waiting for.

Here it is, fuckers. Bow down to it.

The only reason we even still do this show anymore. The advantages.



So Dan, Carolyn, and Mike all walk up to the podium.

Hi, we all just walked up to the podium



And they all reach in and draw rocks.

Dan: "Hey Jeff, I think mine feels purple."
Jeff: "Paschal already used that line, knock it off."



And, of course, everyone else is riveted by this.

That is not proper bag reaching form





SLURRRRRRRRRRP!



And here comes the moment of truth.

Who is going to get the biggest advantage of the season?

Who is going to wind up with the white stone?




And the winner of the advantage is...

YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Dan Foley.

YEAHHHHHH BAAABYYYYYY!!!!!!!!



Which, in his mind, means he is pretty much going to win the game now.

I mean, isn't that what happens to people who get massive advantages?

Things are going to start happening to me NOW

For I am now Danni Boatwright



So anyway, Dan gets this massive advantage that apparently no one in the history of Survivor has ever had before.

He also gets his own personal leather pleasure tube



And things are looking as good as they have ever looked in this game for the Danimal.

Future Survivor winner



Although we do get a soundbyte where we set up his feud now with Mike.

"What Mike did at the auction broke my heart."

"He might have just lost my trust."



And with that out of the way, let's get to all the Will and Shirin stuff.

Everyone reading this right now



So... uh... first off... Will gets this letter from the producers when he comes back to camp...

"Here's a map to a bunch of extra food."



And then he...




You know what? Fuck it.

None of this has any relevance to Dan Foley at all.

The only relevance Dan has to ANY of the Will and Shirin story is this...

Will says he is going to share a bunch of his food with the tribe



And Dan says...

"No, no. You hang onto it. It's yours."



And then it's done.

That's it.

Dan won't even BE there for the drama that goes down between Will and Shirin later.

In fact, we even see him packing up to go do an interview right before it happens



So anyway, keep that in mind. When shit goes down between Will and Shirin later, Dan isn't even THERE. He is off recording an interview. And this has been backed up by other players as well, who all defended Dan in their postgame interviews. Dan wasn't even there when it happened, yet the fanbase still somehow lumped him in with it.

A suspicious lack of the Danimal



But on the flip side, Dan most definitely IS there for the drama that's about to start up between Rodney and Mike.

STOP CHEWING ON THAT TOOTHPICK, YOU DUMB WACKJOB!



There are actually THREE big fights in this episode. Four, I guess, if you also count Dan's fight with gravity later, on a balance beam.

GOD I HATE BALANCE BEAMS



The first big fight in what I like to call the "Total Drama Island" episode happens now, when the players first get back from the food auction.

Because this is where Mike decides he is going to have a showdown with Rodney.

Dan was right about your mom, Rodney



Mike even tells Dan what is going to happen, right before the big Blue Collar fight happens.

He warns Dan what is about to go down.

All I'm doing right now is trying to save myself from Rodney's counter alliance





I'm doing this for me, for you, and Sierra. That's it.



And Mike doesn't actually say this next part, but it would have been amazing if he did. I wish he had given Dan the old Sierra in the water line.

It would have been a fun callback.

Just close your mouth. Open your ears. And just watch what happens.




The audacity



And so here goes Mike, off to stir up drama with Rodney.
"Hey Mario, it’s funny that Total Drama Island is being referenced in this entry, because Dan has a lot in common with Owen (from TDI) as a character. The writers of TDI thought Owen would be the most popular character, but most parts of the fanbase find him unbelievably annoying and can’t stand him. Dan is the exact same way."





Owen from Total Drama Island. Sans manties.



So we're back at camp now, and here comes the FIRST of the three big fights in this episode.

"You flipped on us, Rodney."



Mike just blows everything wide out into the open.

I only pulled that shit with the letter today because of YOU!



Mike is totally correct about this, by the way. This WAS all because of what Rodney did.

And again, this winds up being the darkest of dark ironies of Dan Foley's story arc.

Yeah nice try, Mike. Now you're just trying to get out of it.



Like I said earlier, the only reason Dan falls out with Mike... is because he a hundred percent misunderstands Mike Holloway's storyline.

He was so emotional over almost losing his letter from his wife, that he can't see this moment from Mike's side



So they all stand around, and they fight for a while.

"It's Dan's three famous words, Rodney. Flippers. Never. Win."

Screw you, you dumb redneck, I didn't do shit




Will even gets dragged into the big Mike versus Rodney fight.

Simply because Mike knows Will is a part of it too.

And Will is sitting here, lying to me too. You're all lying to me.

Great, and right after I shared all my food with everyone. Thanks, Mike.



So they all just stand around, and they yell at each other.

I did what I did because of you. You're the asshole, Rodney.

No YOU'RE the asshole. I didn't do shit, ya dumb wackjob.

Rodney didn't do anything, Mike. Knock it off.

Hey Mike, suck my nuts



And who's the ONE person who doesn't really seem to participate in any of this?

Dan Foley



Dan just stands there, and he gives the big Rupert sigh of forlornment.

*sigh* So much for our dreams



Dan has only ONE role in the big Blue Collar fight at all, and it appears to be this...

When people are trying to calm Mike and Rodney down during the fight

We see Dan attempting to play peacemaker



And that's it. That's the first fight.

Started by Rodney. But escalated by Mike.

And who had absolutely nothing to do with it?

Dan Foley.

Um, can we just read our letters from home now?



And again, the players really DID see Mike as the big bad guy because of this incident.

It wasn't just Dan, Carolyn, and Rodney, either.

"Mike felt the urge to just let it all out!"

"And he has the worst timing ever."

"We have letters from our loved ones. We just want to sit down and read them."



So the players sit down now, and they try to enjoy their letters the best that they can.

Look, Max drew me a little picture of L.J.



Which is hard when Mike and Rodney were just at each other's throats for the past thirty minutes.

Oh wow, here's my grandma smoking a bong



And Dan, of course, breaks down again when he finally reads his love letter from his wife.





The emotionty



It's a really nice moment for everyone.

Mike even now apologizes to everyone because he kinda ruined their big day.

I'm sorry guys. I was kind of an asshole today.

Maybe I ought'nt have done that



Although he does point out to us, in a confessional...

"But at least it's out in the open now."



And NOW we get a scene that is very important in the overall Dan Foley story arc.

The Dan and Rodney scene



You might not remember this particular scene. Because it's honestly like the tenth most memorable scene in a very memorable episode.

But it's incredibly important if you want to know why Dan's story arc plays out the way that it does.

Watch the mind-fucking of Dan Foley begin NOW.

So Rodney comes down to the beach to console Dan after the fight



After the one-two punch of the Blue Collars breaking apart, and reading a love letter from his wife, Dan is just absolutely wrecked right now.

You can see it right there on his face.

He's all over the place



And remember, Dan is an emotional guy to begin with. We already know that.

We've already seen it plenty of times.








When Dan hits an emotion on Survivor, he hits it HARD



So Dan is absolutely frazzled by everything that has gone down since they all came back from the food auction.

And even though I'm not a psychologist, I can't resist pointing out that I got at least five different emails in preparation for this entry, all from actual psychologists. Who all wanted to point out that your family (aka the Blue Collars) coming apart can be a traumatic, triggering event if you grew up adopted.

Anyway, just wanted to throw that in right about now.

Dan is likely going through some really heavy shit at this moment



And this is one of those times where I need to point out that Survivor can be a horrible, evil, totally unethical game sometimes.

Please note that I don't blame Rodney for any of this. Rodney is only playing the hand he's been dealt.

It's the game that's the problem here.

Survivor is unethical.

So Rodney comes down to pull Dan into his crusade against Mike



And he starts with...

Hey Dan-o, can you believe the unmitigated gall of that guy?

Can you believe what that scumbag just did to us?



And Dan looks up to see his new BFF, Rodney...

Like an angel from above



Rodney realizes this breakdown is the perfect time to get Dan to switch allegiances.

So he consoles him.












And I need to point out that Dan's game COMPLETELY changes right here.

From here on out, pretty much for the entire rest of the game, Dan is NEVER going to be seen as a threat to anyone else ever again. Or a villain, for that matter.

He is simply going to be the emotional one that you can manipulate if you need an extra vote.

That's it.

Dan is in so over his head the rest of the game, that it's really not funny



In fact, if you want to use the words of the Danimal himself...

He's an eeeeeeeeeeasy mark



So Rodney, of course, starts laying on the psychology over Mike.

"That was so uncalled for, brother. What Mike just did to you."

"He almost didn't let you get this experience."

"He wanted to keep you from hearing from your wife."



And Dan falls for it almost instantly, because he is emotional.

"Mike crossed over to the dark side, Dan-o. Mike fell into the deep end."

"That was the most disrespectful thing ever. Mike just dogged you."



And, again, I don't think Dan was actually angry at Mike up until this point.

I think he was HURT by what Mike did to him at the auction. And I think he was HURT by the fact that Mike had just broken all the Blue Collars apart.

But I don't think he was actually ANGRY at Mike until this little Rodney speech.

"To almost let you not get that, letter? He's let this game take over his mind, bro."

"Mike finally showed his true colors."



And this is why Mike will ALWAYS be the villain in Dan's storyline from here on out.

It's basically because Rodney just mind-fucked him.

Or, alternately, because Rodney is simply a much better Survivor player than Dan is



So Dan sits down for a confessional now.

And again, we have no idea when this confessional was filmed. It could have been filmed now, it could have been filmed a week from now, we have no idea. But the editors are clearly pointing out to us... that there is a wedge between Dan and Mike over this now.

"Mike took a really nice moment, and he ruined it."

"And that hurt."

"Because Mike IS my friend."



And he concludes with...

"Rodney or Mike, who's right? I don't know."



Dan's going to be stewing over the Rodney vs. Mike decision for a couple of days.

This is like choosing between my favorite pair of banana hammocks



And we'll see that decision at the end of this episode, don't worry.

But first, we have to learn what Dan's big advantage is



Oh yeah, and here's the great thing about writing a character entry about Dan Foley.

No matter how dark or tragic or emotional his journey will wind up being along the way... and believe me, it is GOING to get dark and tragic and emotional along the way... there will allllllllways be a comic scene in the middle that instantly breaks up all the drama.

Hell yeah, breakdown, now I'm the world's big advantage whore



And, as viewers, here's how we basically get storyline whiplash. As we quickly go from "Dan is having an emotional breakdown" to "Dan just realized he's going to dominate this game." In the span of about five seconds.

This is why I wrote that sentence way back at the beginning of this entry.

Dan is one of the greatest Survivor characters of all time.

So Dan takes a break from his breakdown, and he sits down to read what his "massive advantage" is



And he finds out that yes, indeed...




The parchment says...

"Congratulations, you've bought yourself an extra vote."

"An extra vote?"



It takes a second for the reality to kick in...

And then...

An extra vote

"HOLY SHIT!"



We even get a trademark overly-dramatic confessional about it.

"This is HUUUUUUUGE!"

"Do you have any idea what this MEEEEEEEEEANS to me?"



And then Dan forever wins my heart as the writer of the Funny 115...

Because he immediately turns it into a movie reference.

"It's like the Willy Wonka Golden Ticket!"

"Oh my GOD!"



And thank you from the bottom of my heart, Dan Foley, for now giving us this visual.

Dan, get away from the chocolate! Dan, get away from it, there are no Snickers bars!

Oh no! He fell in!



And thus ends the first five minutes of what would happen in "Dan Foley and the Chocolate Factory."

"I'll sue the shit out of you, Wonka!"

"I am a FEDERAL EMPLOYEE!"



Anyway, don't worry too much about Dan having "a massive advantage."

He's going to fuck it up later.

You just know it.

It's too bad superfans always have a problem with basic math the extra vote



Okay, so that was the FIRST of the three big fights in this episode. The one between Rodney and Mike.

And stop doing that fucking Happy Dance, it pisses me off!



And now comes the SECOND of the big fights in this episode.

The one between Will and Shirin



As I said before, Dan has absolutely nothing to do with this one.  

We even see him leaving to go do an interview right before it starts



So as much as you only remember this episode because of the Will and Shirin scene, it actually has nothing to do with Dan's storyline.

So I'm gonna just skip over this fight as being irrelevant.

Let's just say that lots of drama goes on back at camp

And Dan is off somewhere, still stuck in the pipe.




So anyway, that's fight number two.

Fight number two continues at the immunity challenge, of course.

When Will asks if he can get his letter from home, and Shirin says no way



To be honest, I'm not even sure Dan knows what's going on when it comes to this scene.

Wait, we can get a second letter from home?

"Why is Shirin raising her hand?"



Although we do get a brief glimpse of him in the background of one shot.

Doing something you wouldn't expect from Dan Foley.

He's crying



Now, the interesting question to ask is... why is Dan crying here?

We never actually get an explanation of it in the episode.

Is he crying because he's sad that Will won't get a letter from home? Or is he sad when he hears what happened to Shirin back at camp? We'll never know. It is never explained. He could simply be crying because seeing people be ugly to each other right now simply hurts him too much. Especially after his breakdown after the big Mike and Rodney fight.

Remember, this was just earlier today



We'll never know why Dan is crying back there.

I just thought it was interesting that he was.

Oh, and then Mike pisses off everyone by winning immunity

MIKE WON AGAIN. FUUUUUUUUUCK!

The audacity



Although come on. It was a balance beam challenge.

Once again, Dan failed in the face of his biggest Survivor enemy.

I hate fuckin' balance beams



Although I do have to point out two fun things about this particular immunity challenge.

The first one is...

At one point in the challenge, Dan was actually in the lead



And the second one is...

When he busts out one of my favorite new Dan Foley-isms.

When he drops a ball towards the beginning of the challenge



And he angrily screams...

"Blood and damNATION!"



Ha ha. Sorry, I've always just loved that line.




So anyway, Mike is safe from the big vote tonight.

(screams in hillbilly again) HAPPY DANCE!



And Rodney sums up how the game has devolved now.

"This camp has turned into a damn circus."



And this is where get the THIRD big fight in this episode.

Unfortunately, because the Will and Shirin fight was so memorable, a lot of people don't remember this one.

The fight where it's Dan against everyone



This is actually a pretty sad moment in Dan's storyline.

Which is why I wanted to make sure I pointed it out to you.

Pressure me any more, and I'll fucking stab you. I'm serious.



So anyway, the vote tonight is basically going to break down into two different factions.

You have Rodney's little coalition

Which contains Dan

And you have Mike's little coalition.

Which also contains Dan



For the first time all game, Dan is actually stuck in the middle.

He, alone, is going to determine the fate of the Blue Collars



And so here comes the battle for the soul of Dan Foley.

Where everyone in camp starts pressuring him to vote with their side.

First off, we have Mike's little speech to Jenn and Shirin

"I'm ninety-nine percent sure Sierra has turned, you guys. She's barely even lookin' at me anymore."

"And I'm not so sure about Dan-o."

"If Dan doesn't turn on me tonight, we're okay."

"If we did have Dan, that would give us four votes."



And this, of course, is where the editors decide to throw in one of their famous little Dan Foley editor jokes.

I already mentioned this moment in one of my earlier entries ("Dan Gets a New Nickname"). But it's such a gloriously mean editor's joke that I thought I would highlight it again.

As always, when you want to say something mean about someone, just cue Jenn!

"If this is gonna work tonight, it's up to Dan."

"Who is dumb as a box of rocks."

"So my entire game is in Dumbass's hands."



And this is where the editors throw in a clip of Dan being unable to figure out eating rice.

The audacity



And I'm sorry. But if you like comedy on Survivor, you pretty much gotta love that moment.

The editors are rarely that blatantly mean to someone.




Hey viewers, this guy is a dumbass



So anyway, Mike now goes to old Dan-o to plead for his vote.

We NEED you, Dan

If you don't join us tonight, then Rodney will win



Mike even uses the logic he knows will probably work.

"You, me, and Sierra are still Blue Strong, Dan. One million percent."



But this time... because of the auction thing...

Or, more accurately, probably because of the Rodney speech...

Dan just doesn't buy it anymore.

You have turned to the dark side, Mike Holloway

You are eeeeeeeevil



And Mike realizes there is a chance he has lost the Danimal for good.

Oh just go eat me, Rodney



But I do have to say, in Mike's defense, he really does TRY.

He TRIES to get Dan to see why Mike tried to back out on that auction.

"Rodney and Will are despicable people, Dan. You've said it yourself."

"They don't have your back, Dan. They are USING you."



And Mike, of course, is a hundred percent correct here. He never has actually tried to turn on Dan.

Again, it's the irony of ironies.

The "big betrayal" only exists in Dan's head.

"You and me BUILT this camp, Dan."

"We're the Blue Collars."

"We built it with our bare hands."

"I've sweated and I've bled with you. In these trenches."



Again, this should work. Mike is saying all the things that he should.

It's just that Dan has already decided that he doesn't believe them.

"Dan-o, who do you trust?"

"Who has developed TRUST with you?"



And since this argument ends in an eye roll...




You can pretty much guess how it goes.

"Would you be willing to vote with us tonight, Dan?"

No. And eat me.



And, of course, I can't resist pointing out...

That whenever they show Dan talking strategy with someone...

They will always include a shot of him that looks like this.

DUHHHHHHHHHH



So anyway, Dan is probably not gonna help them tonight.

Rodney has already mind-fucked the poor guy into oblivion.
"Hey Mario, here's an interesting look into Dan Foley's thought process. In an interview after the season ended, he said he resented that Mike later apologized for forcing the rock draw. Because Dan claims that winning the rock draw (and subsequently winning the advantage) was Dan's big standout moment of the season. And he's mad that Mike later tried to erase that big moment. It was like he was determined to be angry at Mike after the season ended, no matter what."



Okay, so that was Mike's pitch. Vote with me tonight, because we're the heart of the Blue Collars.

And Dan turned it down, of course, because... my god... the audacity



And now that Mike has made his big pitch for Dan's vote, now comes the big pitch from the OTHER side.




The Rodney side



This pitch is a little less diplomatic than Mike's pitch.

They basically just all surround him and gang up on him



And WHY do they all surround him and gang up on him?

Well here's another mean quote the editors decide to throw in about him.

"Because Dan has not proven himself to be that smart in this game."



"The editors do so much to absolutely bury Dan in these episodes. It's crazy the more that you look for it."



So anyway, here's the big gangbang pitch for Dan's loyalty tonight.

Led by Tyler, Rodney, Carolyn...

And, surprisingly, Sierra



But if you pay attention, there's one player who is REALLY trying to get into Dan Foley's head in this scene.

It's Tyler



That's right.

If you though Rodney mind-fucked Dan earlier in this episode, just wait until you see Tyler start mind-fucking Dan in the NEXT episode.

D. F. You're the greatest, babe.



So anyway, Rodney Tyler and his posse try to intimidate Dan.











And this is where Dan finally snaps.

And we now get the THIRD big fight in this episode.




"That's ENOUGH. I've had enough of playing the games!"



And honestly, it's hard not to feel bad for Dan in this scene.

They are all just standing there, aggressively looming over him.




Better come with us tonight, Dan, or you're dunzo



Trying to bully him.




BACK OFF!

And this is when Dan finally snaps.




"If I go with them, that's MY choice!"




"I make my OWN destiny."




"Nooooobody dictates my future but ME!"

"MY choice! Not YOURS!"




"Not yours."




"And not theirs."




"MINE!!"



And I swear, if this scene had involved anyone OTHER than Dan Foley, the audience probably would have loved it.

Survivor fans are generally suckers for any moment where a player stands up to bullies.




Fuck you, Will Sims II and your bullying



But because it's Dan, and because the audience hates Dan, no one ever remembers this scene.


STOP BULLYING ME!



Anyway, Dan is now stuck in the middle on this vote.

And he hates it.




"What upsets me the most is, I am the swing vote tonight. Which is my worst nightmare."



So we go to Tribal Council now.

And, of course, Dan votes along with the majority.




I HATE YOU! AND YES I'LL STILL JOIN YOU!



They all team up, and they get rid of Jenn.




bummmmmmmmmmer



And Dan, of course, will never team up with Mike again for the rest of the game.




Because of the letter thing




You never should have crossed over the dark side, Mike Holloway

My child, I cry for you



Oh, and before we finish off the Total Drama Island episode, and we move on to the lighter stuff, I have to finish up with this quote.

Here's Dan with a really good quote about the reality of how Survivor works.




"As a fan, you think you can come out here, and you can put your emotions aside."




"That's crap. That's absolute crap."



See, we all knew Dan was an old school Survivor fan.




She hears this quote, and somewhere Ciera rolls her eyes




"The key isn't to get to the end. The key is HOW you get to the end."




"And it's WHO you put over there."



Ciera can roll her eyes all she want.




And she will



But Dan's not wrong.











Continue on to The Monkey's Paw Tale of Dan Foley - When You're Just Tyler's Play Toy


Back to The Funny 115 - The Third One