The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#4. That
Time That God Was a Dick
Redemption Island - All Season Long
MATTHEW 1:1
The Soldier
In the beginning, there was God.
And God created the heavens and the earth.
But mostly Fiji
Now the earth was formless and empty. Darkness was over the surface of
the deep.
And the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.
God saw that the light was good.
And he separated the light from the darkness.
Then God said, “Let there be Rob Mariano."
And one day there was Rob Mariano.
Although, unlike the earth or the light, Rob was not very good.
*smuff*
Then God said... in his infinite wisdom...
So Rob got a second chance.
And unfortunately, Rob's social game was still not very good.
So then God said...
And, unfortunately, on his third chance, Rob was still not very good.
And then God thought, mah werd, this is frustrating. How is it
I created a Survivor legend who is not actually all that good at
Survivor?
So God thought about it.
And God thought about it.
And, eventually, God came up with an idea.
This idea is great. It's got a face on it.
God thought, "What if I create a new type of game? Where Rob
is playing against people who have never actually
played before? And what if most of these opponents are pre-selected fans of his, and will walk around kissing his
butt?"
"And
what if I implement a safety valve for Rob Mariano as well? Where if he
is voted out, he can then go to an island somewhere, and chill out for
a while. And I'll give him a bunch of carnival games so he has a chance
to come back in the game?"
"Surely a scenario like that is one where he could succeed."
So God created this specific scenario.
The cast of Survivor: Redemption Island
And finally, after four attempts, and after many changes to the structure of the game...
Much like the light...
Rob was now good
And then God thought, "Because this shall be the greatest of all my
Survivor seasons, let us also have a subplot that is both epic and
tragic."
After all, without tragedy, one can not truly appreciate comedy
So God created Matt Elrod.
The pious one
God created Matt Elrod.
And God said to Matt, go forth,
my child, and enter this unholy game of Survivor. And, for the first
time ever, infuse it with the spirit of nobility and righteousness.
So Matt did.
"My faith is everything. My entire life revolves around it."
"I pray every day as I strive to become more like my Savior."
And God also said, you know what?
Also, have him look like Reese Witherspoon
And God was now pleased.
For he had now set up a showdown between the greatest Survivor fourth-attempt player of them all.
And the star of Legally Blonde.
This is gonna be just like senior year, except for funner!
With the players in place for the ultimate storyline, God said
to Jeff Probst, "Yea, yea, go forth, and explain this season's new
rules."
And so Jeff Probst did.
"If you are voted out at Tribal Council, you will not go home."
"You will be sent to Redemption Island."
"Where you will live, alone."
"It will not be easy."
"When the next person joins you, you two will square off in a duel."
"The winner stays. The loser is out of the game for good."
"At a certain point in the game, the remaining person on Redemption
Island will re-enter the game."
"Oh, and if Boston Rob is involved in a duel, he gets four tries."
WHAAAAAT??
And God was now satisfied.
The players knew this was the word of God.
Bless Him
Bless Him
And they knew that God's word was good.
So the Ometepes arrived at camp for the first time.
And God said, "Let Rob and Matt Elrod become friends!"
And so they were
And God said, "Let them make fun of the freak in the pink underwear together!"
And so they did
And then God said, "Matt Elrod looks lonely."
Like the lowly tree frog, Matt Elrod must have a mate!
So God created Andrea Boehlke.
The Beautiful One
Now Matt Elrod had everything a man could hope for in the game of Survivor.
He had friends
He had strength
He had companionship
And most importantly, he had faith in his God.
"God will put me in an alliance."
"One that He wants me to be in."
But he shouldn't have had faith in his God.
Because God was about to start being a dick.
See, Rob didn't like that Matt had a girlfriend.
Hey cutie
Hey cutie, yourself
Oh, hell no
And Rob most DEFINITELY did not like that Matt shook hands with the enemy after a loss.
Peace be with you friend. That was a good effort.
"Not on my tribe, you don't do that."
So Rob decided that Matt needed to be out of the game.
"Him goin' over to the other tribe, it makes me sick."
And that's why Matt was voted out of the game on day five.
Simply for being too good.
What?
What??
That's right, sucka
*smuff*
And just like that, it appeared that God's plan for Matt Elrod was all over.
"Damn, guys."
And Matt Elrod was crushed.
Why?
But it turned out... God's plan for Matt Elrod was actually NOT over yet.
Not dead yet, motherfrackers
See, remember how God had set up a loophole in this season?
So Boston Rob could get back in the game if he were ever actually
voted out?
If that little douche can't win THIS season, I'm turning Buddhist
Well that loophole actually applied to OTHER people as well.
And that's why Matt Elrod was about to star in the most epic tale of redemption of all time.
MATTHEW 1:2
The Redemption
So Matt headed off to live in shame on Redemption Island.
Naturally, his spirit was crushed.
"I feel sick to my stomach right now. It really hurts."
"I don't know why I'm here. I feel like an idiot."
"I don't even have any of my stuff. I never even packed it."
But God reassured him, "Do not lose faith in me, child. Remember, I will always be with you."
Matt heard this from God. And his spirit was heartened.
"This hurts, but at the same time, what an opportunity I've been given."
"Rob just set me up to have the greatest comeback in Survivor
history."
"I just have to stay strong, and the lord will be with me."
And God let out a massive lightning strike.
Just to show he was listening.
God said, my child, here is how the remainder of your story will go.
I will throw a series of challenges at you on Redemption Island.
And one by one, you will manage to conquer them.
"You will be testing me with feats of strength?" wondered Matt Elrod
"No", said God, "They will mostly be carnival games."
"But still..." added God, "Have faith, and I shall make you unbeatable at carnival games."
And so he was
Over the next fourteen days, God threw a series of challengers at Matt Elrod.
All six of them failed.
Matt! Wins duel number one through six! Simultaneously!
Guess God loved me more today. Sorry.
And these were not pushover opponents, either.
These challenges came from some of the greatest players in the history of modern Survivor.
Like Franchakra
And Kristina
And, um... Sarita?
One by one, Matt took down all these great Survivor players.
He also took down Russell Hantz
With God's help, Matt won SIX do-or-die duels in a row.
THANK YOU, BIG GUY!
He even always hugged his opponents afterwards.
Just because, at heart, he was still a good guy.
Thank you for competing with me, Frunjesca
Thanks for the competition, Kristina
Good luck in the second chances vote, Stephanie
Over fourteen days on Redemption Island, no one was ever able to defeat Mat Elrod.
For my stick is long, and it's strong, and it's down to get the friction on
The Ometepes watched this great winning streak from the sidelines.
And they were simultaneously delighted
And horrified
For they could see the story developing as well as Matt could.
"This is gonna be the greatest underdog story ever."
"God put me here for a reason. I'm just doing his will."
"I'm gonna come back and make it all the way to the end."
Even the unflappable Rob Mariano...
Was starting to be flapped by it.
Well this sucks. Now I guess I'm competing against God.
And so it continued, for fourteen days.
God said, "Let there be another challenger for you today!"
And Matt said, "Not today, my Lord. For my story is not over yet!"
He know that, deep down, God was not going to fail him.
"I'm fighting to honor my God."
"Because I want it to so deeply, and so truly."
"I know I'm gonna come out on top."
The other players could only sit there, and watch in amazement.
As, for two weeks, Matt refused to back down.
You better believe it, baby! Table! Slayer!
Eventually they even all started to cheer for him.
Wow! This Matt kid is amazing!
Thanks, guys!
And of course, there was his girlfriend, Andrea.
Always cheering him along.
You're still MY savior, Matt Elrod
And there was his enemy, Boston Rob.
Who just wanted this God crap to end.
I just do not need this shit today
At one point during Matt's comeback, God even sent Boston Rob himself to watch one of the duels.
So Boston Rob watched.
And Matt Elrod was good.
"You rascal. You voted me out for no reason!"
"I told you. I'm comin' back!"
Through it all, Matt never lost his faith in God.
"I told God that I'm gonna stay out here as long as he wants me to be out here."
"I'm in it for the long haul."
He never lost his will to compete.
"God gave me this platform, and I'm gonna do the best that I can."
He never lost his spirit to return.
Despite the fact that he had to fight the elements all alone every night, like Lieutenant Dan
And despite that fact that... after every duel....
He had to go right back to his flogging post
And finally, after fourteen long, lonely days of suffering on Redemption Island...
It was time to return.
MATTHEW 1:3
The Return
On the nineteenth day, God said, "Let Matt come back in the game!"
Matt had just won six carnival game duels in a row.
He had proven himself to be a noble warrior.
In fact, he had just been given this, the ultimate compliment, from the Specialist himself.
"You live by the booshoodoo code, Matt."
"You truly are a samurai warrior."
It is time for Matt to return.
Time to reunite with his girlfriend
And time to knock that grin right off of Rob's face
It was the morning of day nineteen now.
God said, "Give Matt a final challenger! Give him a duel that will be epic!"
God said, how about we give him the Coach challenge!
And so they did.
goo
Then God added...
To which Matt replied...
Seriously?
And God said, "Yes, seriously. Let's give you a foot injury. It will make everything fun."
And so God gave him a foot injury
Respect the way of the booshoodoo
Yet despite all this...
Despite balancing on an injured foot for more than an hour
Ouch!
Matt still found his inner strength from God.
And he followed the path of the booshoodoo.
And just like that...
"Matt! Seizes the moment! Six wins in a row!"
"He will RE-ENTER the game!"
He becomes the first person in Survivor history ever to return from Redemption Island.
I did it, baby. I'm back!
You did it. You magnificent son of a bitch, you did it.
To which Rob replied...
Oh, fuckin' yay
And at this point, God said to Jeff Probst, "Let them merge!"
So Matt Elrod is back in the game now.
God's will has been done.
All is now right in the world.
And then, that night, Matt said this to his girlfriend...
"I want to take out the Ometepe Tribe first. I want to blindside Boston Rob."
Then Matt said this to the leader of his tribe...
"I had a plan to take you out. I'm not going to, but the plan's there if I ever want to use it."
"I had this whole big plan. I had it all figured out."
To which Boston Rob replied...
Are you kidding me? Why would you tell me that??
And now God simply said...
Bruh
And on the twentieth day, Matt read the bible with his friends on Zapatera.
You know what, we could be like Jesus pals
Right in front of Boston Rob.
And this is where Rob realized that this season could now be incredibly funny.
What if we just voted that fucker right back out again?
And so...
Well...
"My heart's telling me don't flip on Ometepe. I wanna honor my God."
"I wanna be true to who I am."
"So I've decided that I don't wanna switch. I don't wanna flip."
"If it's God's will, He'll take me as far as he wants me to go."
To which God replied...
And so, even though Matt didn't flip on the Ometepes...
They flipped on him.
Noooooooo
Punctuated by Rob saying this about the whole thing.
"It's gonna be Matty, bro."
"I don't know. He's such a good, Christian guy."
"Well he can still be a good Christian guy."
"On Redemption Island."
And Matt's comeback officially becomes the worst Survivor comeback of all time.
"It's weird with all these people now. It was so much easier on Redemption Island."
*smuff*
To which Jeff thought...
Nice job, tard
And, oh well, I guess we now need a return to Redemption Island part of this entry.
"What the hell, guys."
MATTHEW 1:4
The Do-Over
On the twenty-first day, God created the rerun.
Damnit, you guys
As Matt Elrod went back to Redemption Island for the second time.
And once here, he had a very personal conversation with God.
Why, God, why me? Why again?
"Do not lose faith," God reassured him. "For I have a storyline in mind for you. A bigger story than even you know."
"But you told me that last time", said Matt.
"Don't sass me, boy," said God, somewhat snippily. "I never said your story was over yet."
"Sorry."
"You
shall be part of the most epic storyline of them all," God
promised him. "One that will be repeated in the history books."
Is my story that I'm just Rob's bitch?
"No!"
boomed God. "Now go forth, and redeem yourself again on Redemption
Island. Make the second part of your story as good as the first."
And with that, Matt did all the same things that he did once before.
He dealt with the isolation and the loneliness
He prayed
He dealt with the elements
He stayed strong.
He had many conversations with God.
"I'm trying to exactly figure out what your plan is, God."
"I told you I'd stay here as long as you wanted me to."
"I guess you wanted me to come back. So here I am."
"I trust you, that this is your will."
"You using my stupidity for your glory."
"So, thank you Lord for this opportunity. And blessed be your name."
And God was pleased.
Matt may have wavered in his faith a little from time to time...
"I can't believe I got blindsided twice by the same people. I feel like a moron."
"It's like it's the biggest practical joke in the world that's being played right now."
But all in all, he still had faith in God's plan.
And then God said to Matt, "Here is how your story will go, child. I am going to throw a series of challengers at you."
I thought we already did that
"No," said God. "Last time, you only had to duel against ONE person. This time you will be dueling against TWO."
And with that, came the first slew of new challengers.
"How about a Marine?" said God. "Want to battle a Marine?"
Not really, thought Matt
But it didn't matter.
Because soon, a new group of gladiators came to Redemption Island to challenge him.
First, he squared off against a Marine and a doughy guy
And Jeff Probst asked...
"Matt, we've never seen this story on Survivor before. Where's your mindset right now"
To which Matt replied...
"I never knew that strangers could hurt me so deeply."
\"It hurts, but I'm ready to keep goin' if I can."
God saw Matt's resolve never waver.
And he knew this was good.
And then, just like before, Matt went on a carnival game winning streak.
HE IS RISEN!
He won his first truel.
Suck on that, David Murphy
And then... even though he was struggling...
"God has me here for a reason. I've said this from the beginning."
"I don't know what the reason is for. I can't see that yet."
"But I know he wants me to be here."
... he just continued to win.
Nailed it
One after another, every person who challenged him in a carnival game failed.
See ya later, off brand T-Bird
And Matt finally started to gain inner strength again.
Just like he had gained strength the first time.
"God continues to give me strength, day after day."
"If it's his will, then I'll continue to win."
And the Ometepes could see it in the stands.
They could see that history was beginning to repeat itself.
Oh, Matt
Oh God. Matt.
And after eight wins in a row, God now decided to throw another little curveball at him.
"A four-way duel?" asked Matt.
"What would that even be called? A fruel?"
"Don't worry about it," said God. "Let's just try a couple of fruels and see how it goes."
And so Matt was about to experience his very first four-way
Then God said, "Hey, wait a minute, what if I threw another little curveball at you?"
More curveballs? Who do you think you are, Bert Blyleven?
And God said, "I want to give you even MORE incentive to win."
And Matt said, "A visit from home?!?!"
Yay!
So Matt went off to his very first fruel. Aka, a possible visit from his loved one.
Where... first... he said hello to his remaining Ometepe loved one.
Hi Andrea! I'm still here!
Hi Matt. Yes I know.
He didn't actually win this duel.
The Coach Wade Underhanded Throwing At Tiles Classic
But he did finish second.
And that was good enough to stay in the game
And then came the part where God decided to be a real dick again.
"Mike," explained Probst, "You won today's duel. So you alone get to see your loved one today."
Rock on!
"But there's a catch."
Tee hee. Tee hee.
"You can give up your love, so Matt can see his brother, Nipples."
Nipples
"Or you can give up your love so the Ometepes can all see THEIR loved ones instead."
Yay!
"It's your call."
Oh crap
And again, even though he is the creator of all that is good and pure in the universe...
God was an incredible asshole here
"The Bible says give the most good to the most people," said Mike.
"Jesus said it is the greatest commandment."
"So that's the only play here. I'm giving a family visit to Boston Rob and his alliance."
Yay!
And just like that...
Matt had the Bible used as the reason why he shouldn't get a family visit
"I mean, I asked God what he wanted me to do. That was what he asked of me."
He told me to screw Matt
*sigh*
At this point in the game, the fickleness of God the Creator has started to slowly drive Matt Elrod insane.
Should I just change my name? And maybe become an actor or something?
But he aint seen nothin' yet.
Muhahahaha
Because guess who is about to arrive at Redemption Island?
To participate in the fruels?
Plot twist
MATTHEW 1:5
The Storyline
On day thirty-two, God invented awkwardness.
When ya girl shows up at ya bro party
As Matt had to sit there, and watch Andrea hug all the Zapateras.
Oh Ralph, you're like a big cuddly bear
Oh Mike, tell me a war story
And God said, "Let there be a reunion of the young lovers!"
Then God added, "But make it awkward and uncomfortable, since Andrea already voted him out once!"
You didn't even make the merge, why would I date you?
And this certainly threw a wrinkle into Matt's epic tale of love and comeback and redemption.
"She was the one that hurt me the most."
"I wanted to take her to the top."
"Why do you always give me those puppy dog eyes?"
That's just how my eyes look, Matt. I'm just cute.
But God continued to say...
And so Matt stayed alive, with his tenth consecutive win.
The determination of the blue-balled
And after ten wins in a row, it was FINALLY time for Matt to reach the end of his story.
On day thirty-six, God invented the helicopter shot.
And we got several of them.
As God made us think that Matt was going to come back and win.
And God said, "Let them have tree mail!"
After
twenty-nine days of suffering on Redemption Island (and only seven in
the game), Matt learned that today was going to be his final day here.
"Final duel! Alright!"
So he sat down to give his final confessional.
Where finally, for the first time all game, he appeared to be at peace.
"I feel so great today."
"I love this place now. It's become home to me."
"This is day twenty-nine for me!"
"I remember thinking on that first day, how am I ever going to get through this?"
"I'm no longer angry or bitter. This is a special place."
Matt knew that God's plan to bring him here, and give him an epic storyline, had finally reached its conclusion.
"My last duel. Thank you, God."
You're welcome, my son
So Matt led the last four fruelers in a prayer.
"Thank you, God. We know that your will is perfect."
"We'll have peace with whatever the outcome is, Lord."
"We love you. Amen."
And then he left the kids of the world with one last burst of wisdom and inspiration.
"Two blindsides. Seven days in the actual game of Survivor. Eleven duels."
"Twenty-nine days on Redemption Island."
"God deserves all the glory, and all the credit."
"My faith has grown. I have grown as a person."
"I mean, who knew what treasure awaited on Redemption Island?"
And just like that, we had reached the end of Matt's story.
So the competitors arrive for the final fruel
And Jeff Probst said...
"The winner of today's fruel goes back in the game."
"One of you will survive. Three of you will fall."
"This is it. One last shot."
And then Matt went out to participate in his final fruel.
He balanced a vase on some wood
And this is where he learned that sadly...
Unlike in most carnival games...
You can't always trade a bunch of small prizes in for a large.
*sigh*
Because God looked down from Heaven, and he said...
And so that's exactly what happened.
First Grant fell to the whims of God. Praise him.
Then God said, "Hey Matt!, look at that! Look at what Andrea's doing with her leg!"
She's even making those puppy dog eyes!
Andrea stretched out her leg...
And Matt got distracted by her.
And just like that...
*smuff*
God's will was served.
*crash*
And this is where Matt learned the cruel truth of what his storyline actually was.
NOOOOOO! I'M JUST A LEVEL BOSS IN ANDREA'S STORY, AREN'T I????
WHY, GOD? WHY??????
To which God replied...
And that's the day that Survivor: Blood vs Water was born.
Jeff Probst took one look at this awesome new bit of dramatic irony.
And how it could work for him in a possible future season.
"Andrea returns! Andrew chose longevity over love!"
And he knew it was good.
And Matt Elrod was left with one last sad, broken, shellshocked confessional.
"God was with me every step of the way."
"And I think his will was ultimately done."
"I praise his name for just letting me be a vessel for him."
To which God replied...
"See Matt? I told you you'd be part of a memorable storyline."
But it wasn't my story, God. It was Andrea's.
"Same difference."
"I mean, we're gonna bring her back a bunch of times. Might as well pretend she's important."
Then Matt finally asked...
You gave me three chances, God. Could you give me another? Maybe throw me a curveball?
And God answered...
"Four chances? Who do you think you are? Boston Rob?"
Then God Holy Ghosted him.
"Peace out, I gotta go help Coach and the Upolus now. Take luck."
And this is why Survivor: Redemption Island is more fun than you think.
P.S. Want to see a little moment that will always make me laugh? Check out this exchange from earlier in the season.
It sounds like you're ready to go home, Matt.
I'm gonna do the best I can in today's challenge.
But yeah, I think I'm ready to go home.
I feel like I've accomplished what I came here to do.
I've overcome so many obstacles. I've taken everything God has thrown at me.
Whatever happens today, I'm ready for it.
Well this is going to be a big one. Are you ready for it?
I'm ready, Jeff. Bring it on.
"Today you'll be competing in Survivor Shuffleboard."
P.P.S. Some fun quotes from my readers:
From Reddit user TheDudeWithTude27: "Blindsides so cold-blooded it caused the man to change his name."
From Christine Radice: "It makes sense that God would be a fan
of carnival games. I mean, per Dogma, we were led to believe God was a
fan of skeeball."
From Robin Mates: "I
thought it was funny towards the end that Matt said he was a vessel of
God, and it was the vessel toppling over that was his ultimate undoing."
From Reddit user hyena142: "I
think God made a huge mistake playing back to back seasons in 22 and
23. You can tell that by the end of South Pacific He was completely
zonked out of His mind and for some crazy reason willed His main two
disciples to give away the immunity necklace and flub Final Tribal. A
real shame because He had lots of potential as a player."
From Joshua Muir: "I
like how you titled it "That Time That God Was a Dick", forgetting the
approximately 100 or so times he just straight up shafts somebody in
the Bible."
Special thanks to Cory Gage for making the pictures of Jason Siska-as-God for me.
Thank you to Vic Shuttee for the idea of Sandra "getting loud too" at Brad Culpepper.
And thank you to the minds of Zoe's Lobster Shack for helping me with all the different captions for God's t-shirt.
Note
for 2020: I now have Funny 115 t-shirts available if
you'd like to help support my website.
If you'd like one with the large logo, go
here. The shirts with the smaller logo up on the chest are
available here.
I also have stickers available, v-necks, tank tops, etc. Just look
around the website and there is a bunch of different stuff. Thank you
so much to Tardis
Repairman for designing the logo for me. I love it.
