The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#5. Dog Bar
Caramoan - Finale
So we're back in Survivor: Caramoan this time.
Which you might remember as "the season where Cochran inexplicably becomes a badass."
And we're in the finale.
Hey Erik, you're lookin' kinda thin there, buddy
And about midway through the Caramoan finale...
We get one of those moments...
Hey guys, do you know what I like?
Those wonderful moments...
You know what idea keeps me moving forward in life?
The ones that were guaranteed to be a top 5 entry on the Funny 115 the moment they happened.
Eddie reveals his big passion project
But you know...
Before we get into the specifics of that wonderfully bizarre, random, WTF Caramoan moment...
I think we need to go back in Survivor history a little bit first.
Let's go alllllllll the way back to the first season of Survivor. Survivor: Borneo.
And let's go to the very first Survivor reunion show.
Because
it's here, in the Borneo reunion show, that we hear Richard's plans for
what he would like to do with the million dollars he just won.
"I'd like to start an outdoor adventure program for troubled teens."
That's
right. The ever popular "Richard Hatch Outdoor Adventure Kidz Camp."
Which I'm sure many of you have attended over the years.
It was one of the most noble things a Survivor player has ever planned to do with their million dollar winnings.
Although...
let's not forget that Richard mentioned something ELSE he'd like to do
with the million dollars as well. He mentions it right during the
Borneo end credits.
I don't know if you'll remember this part.
"I hope to make the lives of my family and friends and loved ones I care about happier."
Yep,
that's right. Ever since the first season of Survivor, most of the most
successful players over the years have had some grand and noble charity
project they were hoping to pull off if the gods somehow granted
them a million dollars in their bank account.
In fact, you can go right down the line with most of the early winners of the show. Almost ALL of them had something like this.
"I would like to pay off my mortgage, and also the mortgage of my best friend."
"I would also like to establish a charitable fund to assist one needy family each year."
And of course, the most famous one.
"I'd like to start a non-profit soccer program to help children in Africa."
That's
right. In the early days of the show, it often turned into a contest to
see WHO could do the most good in the world with their million dollars.
And it quickly turned into a meta game on its own.
The game of who could be the goodest good guy.
"I'd like to buy C.C. some bigger tits."
Over
the years, that idea that the Survivor winner had to be "charitable",
and "they had to do something amazing with their winnings" sort of
faded away.
And instead, we wound up with winners saying things like THIS in their confessionals as a replacement.
"I want to beat those the cocky guys just to shut them all up."
Where
instead of talking about what they planned to do with the money,
instead the winners let us know what their motivations were for being
out here in the first place.
We learned about the things that were important to them.
The issues that drove them.
"I'd like to do this for God. I'm very spiritual"
"This is my hustle. This is how I support my family."
"This is for Ladder Company 108 in Brooklyn. I'm doing it for my boys."
"You know what got me here, Jeff? Love."
Sure, there were a couple of amazing charities you'd still see pop up every once in a while.
"I'm going to use the money to help victims
of domestic violence."
"I'm going to create the Perthes Kids Foundation. It's a bone disease that I had as a
kid."
But for the most part... after season three...
The closest you'd hear to that is "the idea" that drives a specific person to want to win Survivor.
Whether it be positive.
"I am the world's biggest superfan. I've always wanted to do this."
Or negative.
"I want to make it to the end with three women and then have a huge orgy in the last episode."
One way or another, you can tell a LOT about a Survivor player just by knowing what drives them.
"I
would like to have the freedom in medical school to choose my specialty
based on passion, and not money."
"There's a competitive fire inside me. I can't get enough. I live to compete daily in my own life."
"I want to make sure Russell does not get it. Tee hee."
And this leads us back to the hero of today's entry, Mister Eddie Fox.
Hey guys, I just did a bubble fart
If
you haven't seen Caramoan in a while... or if you haven't seen Caramoan
at all... how can I best describe Eddie as a Survivor player to you?
Lemme see here...
Well, for starters, he's always happy
Seriously, the next time you watch Caramoan, try to pick out all the shots of Eddie where he's not smiling.
It's hard to do
He's got to be one of the happiest people to ever play the game of Survivor.
I'm not kidding.
Even during the scene where Brandon is having an enormous meltdown...
He's smiling
Ha ha, that little massage guy is awesome
Eddie isn't the greatest Survivor player in the world.
In fact, on paper, he's arguably one of the worst players who has ever played.
Don't believe me?
Well check out how successful he is at voting people out throughout Survivor: Caramoan.
At his first Tribal Council, Eddie votes for Shamar
Guess who winds up going home that night?
And this, of course, leads to Eddie's OTHER one facial expression you'll see a lot of in Caramoan.
Confusion
Although I do have to point out, even though he's not good at Survivor, Eddie does seem like a genuinely nice guy.
He has some of the nicest voting comments you are ever going to see on Survivor.
"Thank you for serving in our military. I appreciate it."
Okay,
so Eddie is 0 for 1 in voting people out of the game. But that's not
that bad. I mean, lots of great players have gone 0 for 1, right?
Not Sonja
Let's see how Eddie does at his second Tribal Council in Caramoan.
"Thank you for serving our country. Good luck."
He votes for Shamar again. In fact, he uses the exact same voting comments.
And guess who winds up going home?
Okay, so he's 0 for 2.
And this will really be Eddie's story in the game of Survivor.
He's never going to have a single moment of power all season.
Ever.
Oh crap, that was not what I expected
He's constantly going to vote for the wrong person at Tribal Council.
Almost EVERY SINGLE TIME HE GOES UP TO VOTE.
At this point he's now 1 for 4
At this point now, he's 1 for 5
At this point now, he's 2 for 8*
* revotes don't count
And, this of course, leads us up to his last Tribal Council vote.
What the fuck?
Which leads us to his final Tribal Council voting stat: Over the entire course of the season, he goes 2 for 10.
"Man Jeff, I really suck at this."
Eddie has no power at any point in Caramoan. He's never in the majority. He never has any clue what's going on.
All he does is basically alternate between smiling.
Ha!
And looking confused.
Huh?
Standing there, grinning like an idiot.
Ha!
And looking confused.
Huh?
Getting caught in the middle of a giggle fit.
And looking like someone just introduced him to calculus.
Oh crap
Oh, and making people laugh, just because he's so darn innocent and likable.
And that's why I pull out a quote of Sue Hawk from Borneo here. When she met Sean Kenniff's dad for the first time.
Sue, how would you describe Eddie Fox as a Survivor player?
Lovable, but doof.
The perfect words to describe Eddie.
Oh and I should point out that on the Enil Edam tribe flag...
His is the only name that looks like it's written by a five year old
So Mister Lovable But Doof pretty much coasts through the season of Caramoan.
Inexplicably, he makes it all the way to the end.
Smiling at the final challenge, of course
He doesn't have a whole lot of highlights along the way.
Despite
the fact that Probst calls him "too fit and athletic to keep
around", he never actually wins a single immunity challenge.
Here he is in episode ten, where he fucks up a ring placement
Oops
D'oh!
He just sort of coasts along to the Caramoan finale. Threatening nobody. Influencing nobody. Frightening nobody.
He's just pure and sweet and innocent, like a harmless little puppy dog.
Next time put it in a Kong. It will last longer.
He even gets visibly pained when other people eat food in front of him and he doesn't get any.
Which, again, is a lot like a dog.
*whine*
Most of the other players seem to like him though, and sometimes that's all you need.
"Eddie's a wonderful guy... when he's not with Reynold."
Okay, so we're now up to the Caramoan finale.
And somehow, for whatever reason things happen in the world, Mister Lovable But Doof has somehow made it to the final five.
My God, Eddie Spaghetti could actually make it to the final vote
As
a Survivor finalist, keep in mind that Eddie has really only had ONE
memorable moment so far that fans would have even remembered up to this
point in the season. There was only ONE scene that fans in 2013 would
have been able to point to at the start of the finale, and say, "Oh
yeah, I remember that scene. That moment was totally Eddie."
Naturally, it was one where he kind of looked like a doofus.
Remember this one big Eddie scene? It was from episode eight.
The Emil Edams learn they will be eating gross food today
And Eddie isn't too thrilled with what this will do to his love life back home.
And this is where we get the great quote...
Yep,
there you go. Prior to the finale, the ONE great Eddie quote. The
famous cow's dick quote. I'm assuming he said dick, by the way. He
could have said ass. But I asked the judges, and they're saying it was
probably dick.
This quote came up again a couple of episodes later, of course, when he tried to pick up Andrea.
You're pretty
*swoon*
Damnit! I knew it!
Somehow,
despite never knowing what is going on in the game, rarely voting for
the right person, and at one point eating a cow's dick or
something, Eddie Fox, Mister Lovable But Doof, has actually made
it to the Caramoan finale.
Hey guys, look! I even get to show you my loved one!
Lookit, isn't he awesome?
I love you, Dildo
And now we get to the quote that will forever immortalize him.
First off, at the start of the finale, Erik gives up his immune system to the girls again, and he winds up being medevaced
"Hey mate, can ya poop?"
With Erik gone, Eddie now has a one in four chance at a million dollars.
And he can smell it
All he has to do now is win one last immunity.
Against a couple of older women, and also Cochran.
I can do this!
And unfortunately, for fans of irony, and Survivor comedy...
He fails to win
He falls JUST short. At the very last minute.
*whine*
And that's why Eddie will always be the greatest of the Survivor Fallen Angels.
Just like Cirie and Rob C. I was SO close.
And here comes the scene that made me laugh so hard the first time I saw it.
And continues to make me laugh out loud, even today.
Where we find out JUST WHAT WAS DRIVING EDDIE SO HARD to make him want to conquer this game.
First off, Cochran takes Eddie out into the woods to explain things
Cochran
goes out into the woods after the final immunity challenge. And he has
one last little talk with mister Lovable but Doof.
And he explains why Eddie can never, ever, ever be allowed in front of a Survivor jury.
"The jury loves everything you say, Eddie."
To which Eddie tries to counter...
"It's 'cause I'm an idiot."
"I've only voted one person off, so how strategic have I really been?"
And here comes Eddie's big confessional.
Now we randomly cut to a confessional of Eddie sitting alone on a rock.
And, for the first time all game, here's where we finally peer into the complex inner workings of Eddie Fox.
What inner force was driving you to succeed in Survivor, Eddie?
Was it a charity for the blind? Was it a school you wanted to open for disadvantaged inner city youth?
What exactly what your big motivation out here?
And, uh, take it away, Eddie.
"If I do win the million dollar prize, I wanna open like a..."
"Like, a dog... kinda like, shelter... kennel... playpen area."
"Like, attached to a bar."
"So..."
"Like, those are my two favorite things."
"I like dogs, and I like bars."
"So... if I could like open a bar, and like, you could just bring your dog there..."
"That would be unbelievable."
I'm
telling you, the first time I heard that confessional, I just howled.
That was one of the hardest laughs I've ever had during an episode of
Survivor. Because seriously, Eddie literally had NO STORY at any
point in Caramoan up until this confessional. He had just been that
smiling dorky goober who was always wrong in every voting confessional.
Oh, and also Andrea wouldn't date him because he had once eaten a cow's
dick or something. That was Eddie's ENTIRE storyline.
He was simply Reynold's grinning little sidekick.
He was just one of the four popular kids
Then
we get to the end of the season, and not only does Eddie FINALLY get a
storyline, it only happens in his very last confessional of the season.
And it turns out his entire storyline now boils down to... basically...
I played Survivor so I can drink with my dog
And boy have we come a long way from Richard wanting to win Survivor so he can build an adventure camp for troubled kids.
I mean, after I build an establishment to drink beer with dogs, of course
And that, of course, is the story of Eddie Fox. The Greatest Fallen Angel of them all.
Who only signed up for Survivor so he could get ripped with his dog.
I wanna see how much Dildo drinks before he tips over
Because of Eddie, Caramoan will always be a dark horse favorite season of mine.
P.P.S. A couple of good quotes from my readers:
From Josh Turner: "Eddie on Survivor mirrors the experience of a dog in a dog bar."
From Kyle Mineault: "Eddie has two faces: confusion or happy. Which is basically all you need to be on the fans tribe."
Paraphrased from many, many, many readers over the years: "When
you do your Dog Bar entry, be sure to point out that Dog and Cat Bars
are actually quite popular now, especially in the UK. So Eddie's idea
wasn't actually that dumb. He might have simply been ahead of his time."
P.P.S. Eddie even had them all laughing on his way out.
Okay, well maybe just a dog food cart
P.P.P.S. Want a good laugh? Check out how surprised Eddie looks whenever he's casting a vote.
It's like somebody startled him with a flash photograph right before he started talking.
Don't look into the deadlights, Eddie!!
P.P.P.P.S. Annnnnnd finally... speaking of voting comments...
Remember how I said Eddie's final voting record was 2 for 10?
Well, I was wrong.
He was also wrong in his final vote right before he left.
Thank you for serving in our military. I appreciate it.
2 for 11, baby
Thank you to Cory Gage for the FUBC "Fighting Back" picture
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