The Funny 115 - The Third One



#6. The Fall of Drew Christy
San Juan Del Sur - Episodes 1-4



If you've read the Funny 115 in the past, you're probably familiar with what I call my "downfall entries."

These are the entries where I recap exactly how a player rose to power in the game of Survivor. And how they then somehow screwed up along the way, and had an embarrassing fall from grace in front of millions of viewers.

And then as Survivor fans we just sit back now, and we relive it again, and we laugh at them.

All hail the king of the embarrassing downfall, John Carroll

If you ever go to Vegas again, continue to bet on black



John's downfall is the most famous one I have written about over the years, but he is hardly the only great embarrassing downfall in Survivor history. I mean, lest we forget the other big downfall I covered back on the original Funny 115? A guy who... for legal reasons... I guess we'll now just refer to as "Chip."

Hi, I'm Ethan. Don't unpack.



And then, of course, I wrote two separate entries about how Russell Hantz sucks at Survivor, and how he doesn't even understand how it works, and how his supporters to this day are all idiots also had a couple of downfalls.

Look up, homie, this reveal is gonna be funny



Also, just to prove that I don't only pick on the guys, don't forget that I once wrote a downfall entry about Jamie.

Courtney's inflatable friend



Yes, in the past, I was basically always known as "the downfall guy." My downfall entries were always the most popular writeups on the Funny 115. They were ALWAYS the entries that people requested whenever anyone asked if I was going to put together a third one. In fact, you should look at my inbox now, and see how many emails I still get on a regular basis, asking if I'm ever going to do an entry called "The Fall of Zane." A lot of people are going to be very annoyed when they realize I chose not to do one.

Also, don't do drugs, kids



Why am I telling you all this?

Well, the main reason I'm telling you is to point out that when I first sat down to create version 3, the rule I decided right from the start was that I was NOT going to have any downfall entries this time around. That was my one hard and fast rule right from the start. And my reason for that was mostly ethical. Downfall entries are just way too mean spirited, in my personal opinion. They attract the wrong type of humor to the show, and I don't think the Survivor fanbase should really be cheering for that type of a writeup anymore. I think the modern day Survivor fanbase is far too mean-spirited and angry these days as it is.

And because I see it getting worse every day, I didn't want my writeups to be part of the problem.

Ask Dawn how many times she's had to delete her social media over the years



So that was my rule. When I make version three, I am going to have NO downfall entries. This time around, The Funny 115 is going to be much sillier, much gentler to the players, and much nicer.

With apologies to my favorite whipping boy, Tyler



And people begged me. You know they just hounded me. YOU HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT ZANE KNIGHT, they'd say. YOU HAVE TO MAKE FUN OF GARRETT FROM CAGAYAN! And of course, I still get people asking when THE FALL OF RUSSELL HANTZ, PART 3 is ever going to happen.

Unfortunately, the answer to all three of those questions is "never." I just don't do mean-spirited downfall entries anymore. I don't have it in me. I'm far too mellow a person these days.

Me, basically



Although thennnnnnnnn....

We come to the player who almost EVERYONE requested I do a downfall entry about when they heard I was doing a version 3.

We come to Drew Christy.

The Ladies' Man



Let me point out that there was NO WAY I was going to do a Fall of Drew Christy entry when I first sat down to put together this countdown. No way. No how. Not a chance. Never ever ever. There was no way I was going to do it. It just didn't fit in with what I wanted the third Funny 115 to be.

People kept telling me, his storyline is hilarious.

I would always say no.

People kept telling me, it's going to be the #1 entry. It's so amazing.

Still, I would always say no.

People would point out to me, DO YOU KNOW HOW GODDAMN FUNNY THE FOURTH EPISODE OF SURVIVOR: SAN JUAN DEL SUR IS? Jesus, Mario, pull that stick out of your butt and just put together the damn writeup. It will be awesome.

And again, at the start, I would always say no.

Kelley points out I was being an idiot



Again, I always said no. I always said there is never going to be a "Fall of Drew Christy" entry on the Funny 115, so stop asking. No way, no how, not a chance.

And then, I sat down, and I finally started rewatching these seasons for research.

And I actually paid attention to just how funny Drew's downfall arc actually is.

And how brilliantly and completely he crashes right into the ground.

And how it's all one hundred percent his own fault.

And OH MY GOD. IT WAS SO INCREDIBLE.




So anyway, that's why you're about to read The Fall of Drew Christy.

The last downfall entry I am ever going to write on the Funny 115.

As Brian Heidik once famously said in a voting confessional: Cause and effect.

Drew caused this effect
The Fall of Drew Christy
The Tale of a Survivor Badass



So it's day one zero, on Survivor: San Juan Del Sur.

And we're about to meet the hero of today's tale.

There he is. Way down there in the green.



His name is Drew Christy.

And he looks exactly like what you think a model named Drew from Florida would probably look like.








In Survivor terms, he's basically a more advanced, 2.0 version of Fabio.

Let's see a hermit crab try to pinch me, mufugga



Drew is out here playing Survivor this season, along with his goofy little kid brother, Alec.
 
Who will forever be the inferior one



And it's fitting to point out that the very first thing we see Drew doing in the game of Survivor...

Is he orders his kid brother to cut off his hair

Do it, or I'll titty-twist you



Remember that, everyone.

Drew will always be the leader.

Drew will ALWAYS be the one who's in charge.

And people better do what Drew tells them to do, if they want to succeed.

That's not how you breathe, little Drew Junior. BLOW HARDER!



Drew is infinitely better than Alec will ever be at the game of Survivor. Or at the game of life, really, if you want to come right down to it.

In fact, it's the first thing he tells us.

"I dare him to beat me at this game. I really do."



Okay, so that's Drew.

Let's just say, he has a lot of confidence in himself.

We built a fire on day one. This game is gonna be soooooo easy.



And with that... let the downfall commence...

Oh lord



So Drew and Alec go and they meet the rest of the players.

And Drew is happy to point out that the Brothers Christy have already made fire



Two minutes later, the brothers are quickly split up onto opposite tribes.

And with that, Drew instantly becomes the most dominant member of Hunahpu.



In fact, here he is, choosing which member of Hunahpu will compete in the first duel.

Hey you guys, I picked Jeremy



And here he is, supervising a game of rock-paper-scissors. And looking all sassy-like.

Yeah, that's pretty much how I woulda done it



So anyway, Jeremy wins the first duel for the tribe.

Val, you will #SurroundAndGoDown



And Drew is excited about this, because he was the one who actually set up the duel in the first place.

HEY GUYS, DID YOU HEAR ME SAY VAL SLAYER?



All in all, it was a good first showing for the one true mastermind of the game.

I'm awesome



So the Hunahpus go back to camp for the first time.

And there's something important to note in the following picture.




Note who is carrying the flag.

Carrying a flag, that's sick



If you pay attention in the episodes, Drew will ALWAYS carry the tribe flag, any time the Hunahpus leave camp.

After all, when you're the leader, that's just what you do.

So the Hunahpus meet up for the first time



And in classic Mike Skupin tradition, Drew immediately anoints himself the leader of the tribe.

"I didn't really want to, but I kinda was forced to step in."

"And really take control of the construction of the shelter."



Drew (and his new adopted kid brother, Jon) take it upon themselves to start building a shelter for everyone.

Again, because that's just what a good leader does.

You take the bull by the horns.

While everyone else is off strategizing, we'll just be over here building shit

"Glad everybody's helping me with this."

"We better get lots of coconuts tonight."

"Yeah they better hook us up."



And here's the first time where Drew is not really on the same page with the rest of his tribe.

So Karen Missy comes over, and it turns out she'd like to speak to the manager

Because it appears Drew's claptrap isn't actually going to support anyone

"I hope the tribe appreciates the hard work and effort I put into the shelter."

Narrator: They didn't.



The tribe is annoyed about this because, uh oh, Drew's shelter is a complete piece of shit.

Well this isn't good



It turns out that no, they did not appreciate all the hard work and effort he put into it.

But whatever. It doesn't matter that much to Drew.

After all, he knows he still has other gifts to offer them.

"You know, I actually was a successful model for the last few years."

"I'm kinda, not a big shot in Europe, but you know..."

"I'm sure my face is around some different places."

"But I'm not here to be a model at all."

"I'm here to be a Survivor."



Even though his shelter sucks, and nobody seems to be impressed by it, that doesn't matter to Drew. In fact, he doesn't even seem to notice it.

Instead, he spends the first day bragging to everyone else about how awesome he is.

Here he brags about it to Jon

Here he brags in front of Julie

"BOOM!", he says "It's done."

"Dude, I'm a genius."



And this leads to the first instance of a tribesmate talking shit about Drew Christy.

"My god. I'm not sure why Drew thinks he's in charge."

"He's a little bit toooooo arrogant."





"Um, bless his heart."




Julie then goes on to summarize exactly what she thinks of the new twenty-five year old leader of their tribe.

"I'm dating John Rocker, and he used to play in the major leagues."

John Rocker

"John's type A with a capital A. So I understand the dude mentality."

"And Drew, I mean, he's kind of just a young, dumb guy."

"Bada bing, bada boom."



So Drew is off to a rough start with the rest of his tribe. Although in the words of Julie, bless his heart. He just doesn't realize it yet.

Tomorrow, I think I'll build TWO shelters. That'd be sick.



But here we go to the first San Juan Del Sur immunity challenge.

Remember, the leader always carries the flag



At the first immunity challenge, they finally welcome Keith back into the tribe.

Welcome, Keith!

I wonder if Keith's heard about how badass my shelter is



And you know what? For his part, Drew actually kicks ass pretty well in the challenge.

Look at that, my throw was totally perfect

Rock on



He even helpfully explains to the puzzle makers how puzzles work.

No, the pieces fit together. Like that.



Thanks to Drew's excellence, and maybe a couple of other people, Hunahpu winds up winning immunity.

We stuck to the plan!



And for the first three days of the game, Drew is actually doing okay.

Leader carries the flag



Okay, it's episode two now.

And even though Drew isn't quite aware of it yet, he's already annoying just about every single one of the women on his tribe.




And just WHY is he annoying every single woman on the tribe?

"We got Jon, and we got Drew. And they're both, like, cartoon characters."

HEY, LOOK HOW MUCH I CAN BENCH!

"Welcome to South Beach, guys. This is how a badass does push ups."

"I'm like, are they listening to themselves??"

"I know all the girls can't stand 'em already."








Natalie even takes a moment to mock the shit out of them.

"Oh wow, look at those feats of strength."

"Do you think that's a big deal, bro?"



So the open mockery of Drew (and also Jon, let's not forget Jon) has already begun.

And it only gets worse when Jon somehow loses their flint.

"I think we've possibly lost our flint."




OOPSIE! I DID A BAD THING!



This leads to the infamous scene where the Hunahpus have to go to Jeff Probst at the next duel, and they try to negotiate for a new one.

Can we have a new flint, Jeff?

No

Oh, and also, fuck off



I'm not going to cover that whole scene for you. Mainly because I've already written about their negotiations in an earlier entry.

All you need to know is that the negotiations failed.

And it's probably because Angelina wasn't there.

I once gave up my arm so a young child could have insulin



The negotiations fail, and instead, Hunahpu has to give up their fishing gear.

And Drew is pissed about losing the fishing gear because...

"We didn't need flint, I could have kept the fire going!"

He can't believe that they caved



Drew is PISSED that Hunahpu was somehow out-negotiated by Jeff Probst.

Don't forget that.

It will come back into play again later.




Oh well. Guess I'll just carry the ol' flag back to camp again.



So we're now at the episode two immunity challenge.

This is the one where Drew squares off against his little brother

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL BLOOD AGAINST WATER!!!!

And Drew beats his kid brother like a red-headed stepchild

I broke his nose, that was sick



Drew once again stands alone.

As the king of the challenges.

For I am Drew Christy. I am the lord of the mountaintops!



Again, we're two episodes in.

And despite the fact that he annoys every single woman on his tribe, Drew is still, inexplicably, in no real danger yet.

Woo!



Oh, I should also point out... this is the scene where Drew somehow isn't familiar with who is actually on his tribe yet.

"Let's go, Josh."




Don't worry, I already covered that fun little brain fart in an earlier entry.

Okay, we've now moved on to episode three



This is the episode where the Hunahpus REALLY start to take digs at how useless Drew is.

And how he thinks that his shit doesn't stink.

My shit smell is actually quite pleasant



Episode three opens with Drew pointing out that, because of his Florida background, he can tell that a big monsoon is coming.

Which means...

"We need to tighten up the shelter."

"We gotta get a team effort goin' on."



So he pulls the Hunahpus into a big work effort so they can improve the roof of his shelter.

Sure, I'll go fix your roof, bro

Not a problem, Mister Ladies' Man



And what is Drew's contribution to the big tribe work effort?

He asks Missy to show him how to weave palm fronds




Then he tries it for about five minutes.

Before he decides that he's bored.

This is the opposite of sick



Then he says that it's too hard.




So he gives up.

Honk-shoo. Honk-shoo. Honk-shoo.



Although not before explaining why he's the only one who has decided not to work...

ON HIS VERY OWN WORK DAY HE JUST CALLED FOR!













Peace out, brahs



Which leads to this hilarious confessional from Missy.

"We're all working together today, except for Drew."

"He tried for a minute, and then it got too frustrating."

"He had to lay down and take a nap."



Keith, it turns out, is ALSO a little annoyed about Drew's sad little work ethic.

"Drew's a big sleeper."

"If my son was acting like Drew? You probably don't wanna know."

"I probably can't say it on camera."

"We still spank, we still whoop. Whatever you wanna call it in the south."



Yes, at this point, Keith wants to spank Drew's privileged surfer boy little butt.

And I'd do it, too. *spits*



Natalie, on the other hand, has a little DIFFERENT reaction to Drew just laying there, blatantly sleeping in front of everyone.

Natalie's instinct is, hey let's go fuck with him



Natalie takes a big palm frond.

And as nicely as she can, she tries to insert it up into his nose.





It's like playing a carnival game



Meanwhile, the rest of the tribe just stand around and they laugh.




Eventually, Drew wakes up.

"Are you kiddin' me? Pokin' me with stuff? Right when I fall asleep?"




And this SHOULD be the first indicator to Drew that... maybe he isn't held in the highest of regard around here.

It's like they don't even notice that I always carry the flag



Natalie tries to explain the situation to him.

"We're ALL working here, Drew."

"So, sorry I'm working in your sleepy space."

"Alright, Natalie, I heard you. I got it."



Meanwhile, Natalie continues to shovel shit directly onto him.

"What have you done today, Drew?"

"Tell me ONE thing you've done."

"Watched US weave."

"And just hung out. The entire day."

"While everybody else was working."



And again... you'd THINK that Drew might realize he might be on the thinnest of ice around here.

But, alas, when you're an undisputed god of Survivor.

Sometimes maybe you miss that.

These people don't even deserve me



From here on out, for the next two episodes, almost every scene from someone on Hunahpu is somebody complaining about Drew.

"Drew is just a waste of space."



Even Jeremy starts to get in on it.

"Drew has no idea what's going on."

"But that's good for this game."

"He's not gonna win a million dollars."



It's now open season for everyone to just openly shit on the golden boy.

"Drew's just all over the place."

"I was planning on taking him longer, 'cause he's a moron, you know?"

"But I'm not gonna be able to."

Guys, this nap is so sick



Jeremy even unleashes this especially savage insult, when he says....

"If Drew's physically falling apart right now, I think by, like, day twenty he'll be like..."

"Listen, I wanna go home. I'm all done, Jeremy."

"Take my million dollars, you can have it!"



Yep, it's now open season for everyone to just crap on Drew Christy.

And here's the most amazing thing about this entry.

WE AREN'T EVEN UP TO THE EMBARRASSING PART OF HIS STORYLINE YET.

In any case, at the end of the third episode, the Coyopas actually win their first reward challenge



And Drew has to watch them win all the fishing gear.




Property of Coyopa



You know, the stuff that he wanted so badly an episode ago.

You guys, I could have caught so many fish



Then he angrily carries their flag back to camp.




But he recovers to triumphantly carry their flag back to the immunity challenge.

This is how we carry it in South Beach, baby



And luckily, Hunahpu wins immunity for the third straight time.

That wasn't even that hard



And... inexplicably... Drew has still not actually been in any danger yet.

You will forever be my friend, flag



But speaking of being in danger, we are finally NOW up to the Fall of Drew Christy. The actual part.

Episode four.

Or, as some like to call it, the single worst episode any player has had on Survivor.

Ever.

Not sick



Hang on to your hats, Drew Christy fans.

This one is going to hurt.
Episode Four
The "yikes" episode



Before we get to Drew's many, many embarrassing moments in episode four, I guess we first need to discuss what a "fall" on Survivor actually means. I mean, is it really possible to have "a fall" when you never actually had any power to begin with?

Somebody should probably ask Christy about that



A true "fall" on Survivor is generally something like John Carroll's. Where, on a scale from one to ten, you go from having a ten in power to having a one in the same episode.

Also, you have a scene where an opponent literally pisses on you



John had that "from ten to one in one episode" classic downfall that fans seem to like so much.

So did... uh... again, let's just refer to him as "Chip."

"Chip" (off camera, left) getting nailed by the first big Survivor twist



Drew, of course, never had an ounce of power at any point during San Juan Del Sur.

So his "fall" is a little bit harder to define.

Eh, whatevs



However, because he goes from having a one in power, to having a negative twenty, AND HE DOES IT ALL OVER THE COURSE OF ONE EPISODE, the judges have ruled that it's funny enough to count as "a fall."

My god, Drew, did you just say that?

Dear sweet wine and cheese lord, Drew did not just do that

I swear, are we on a Nathan For You episode?



And okay, here we go.

The single worst performance in one episode in Survivor history.

Swear to god, it's even worse than you probably remember.

Dawn breaks early over the end of Drew's dreams



So day nine starts.

And right off the bat, the morning at Hunahpu starts with optimism.

Because Natalie finds the flint they thought they had lost a couple of episodes ago





"It was just right here!"



This means they now have TWO flints at Camp Hunahpu.

Two flints but NO fishing gear.

And this fact annoys Drew because...

Well, this sucks



Wouldn't you know it?  

Drew is actually a world class champion fisherman.

I'm like Richard Hatch in the water, but better



So Kylo Ren here sits down, and he tells us what an amazing fisherman he is.

"The other day we lost our flint."

"And we had to forfeit our fishing gear we won to get a new one."

"And it really aggravated me."

"Because I'm a big fisherman."



Drew not only tells US that he's a great fisherman, he apparently then goes on to the tell the rest of the tribe as well.

And from the looks on their faces, we get the sense that he tells them this little trivia fact A LOT

And then this one time... at fish camp...

My god, just shut up. Yes we get it. You can fish.

Oh boy. Here we go again. Tales from the Sea by Drew Christy.



Drew goes on a little shalingua shaniqua shakwaria for a while here, where he reiterates to his tribe:
A) What a great fisherman he is.
And B) How they really NEED to get that fishing gear back from Jeff Probst.




And this is where Drew comes up with his plan.

He wants to go to the challenge today, and he wants to barter with Jeff Probst again.

Only this time, HE'S going to be the one to negotiate, instead of Reed.

And because Drew is doing it, and Drew is super amazing at things, this time Probst won't be able to tell them to fuck off.

It'll work this time, guys. I swear.



The Hunahpus are... uh... rightfully... a little bit skeptical.








To which Drew responds....

"I don't care. Just gotta do it."



Followed by, of course, the signature Drew Christy action move.

The big yawn

Man, this game kinda bores me



So Drew is now hell bent on negotiating with Jeff Probst again.

A negotiation that EVERYONE ELSE ON THE TRIBE already knows they are going to lose.

Would you care to tell us what you think of this, Kelley?

"Drew's a lot of talk, let's be honest."

"He says he can do all these amazing things, then he sleeps for four hours."

"But all we can hear from Drew is..."

"Fishing gear. Fishing gear."

"We should have got the fishing gear!"



She even correctly points out to the tribe...

"It's not like every time, you get to choose fishing gear."



And Drew, of course, is going to start burying himself in the edit as hard as he can.

My god, does he make it easy for the editors in this episode.

Seriously, listen to this.

"I think I'm gonna balls up and be like... work with me, Jeff."

"I think that's what a good leader does."

"You have to make decisions that nobody else really wants to do."

Yeah, STUPID decisions!



And here comes the capper...

"You know, it's kinda hard to drag these people along and not get much in return."

"But the thing is..."

"Without me, these people would be nothing. You know?"



Oh yes.

We know.

I'm sure future winner Jeremy cracked up upon hearing that one

Future winner Natalie probably enjoyed it as well

Wait, without you, I'm NOTHING?



In any case, they go to the next reward challenge. And, as you can guess, Drew's negotiation doesn't go exceptionally well.

Lookit here, Jeff

Don't "lookit here" me, himbo






You come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married and you ask me for free fishing gear?

Fuck off!



I already covered Drew's smackdown in an earlier entry. So if you want to see all the gory details, you can go read about them there.

Suffice it to say, Jeff DOES indeed laugh at him



The rest of the tribe laughs at him, as well.















But at the end of the day, the master negotiator fails.

"It was worth a try. It was worth a try."

*sarcastic applause*



And note that this isn't even in the top five most embarrassing things Drew does in this episode!

Oh Drew Christy. Your failure is so salty and warm.

That attempt was pretty badass. Wasn't it, Kelly?

Why couldn't this have been Cambodia?



Okay, so the negotiations have failed.

But Hunahpu still manages to win the reward duel.

We won! Like we always do!



And here comes maybe the cringiest part of the whole Drew Christy episode.

Because Jon won the duel, that means his girlfriend, Jaclyn, is going to be sent to Exile Island

This is so going into the pre-nup, asswipe

And Jon is required to send one of his tribesmates to Exile to accompany her



So Jeff Probst asks...

Who do you think would be a good companion for the stunningly hot former Miss Michigan?

Jaclyn

Is there anyone you'd trust to spend two days alone with an eight foot tall, scampily clad bikini model?



And you better believe you know who's volunteering for this one.

That would be sick. Yo Jon, I got dibs.

Drew wants to Netflix and chill with your girlfriend. Jon, is that cool?

Please say no



Despite all Jaclyn's silent objections, Jon surprisingly says it's okay.

YES YES YES YES YES YES



And here comes, again, maybe the cringiest part of the hour long cringy Drew Christy episode.





You know this will come up in counseling



So Drew heads off on a romantic island getaway with the former Miss Michigan.

Again, Drew's island companion



And I should note... that if you like symbolism in your Survivor storytelling...

As they leave for Exile, we see someone OTHER than Drew carry the flag for the very first time



The Survivor gods are already telling us that the downfall has started.

So Drew and Jaclyn arrive for their little romantic getaway



Back at camp, Jon informs us that it's not Drew's libido that he's worried about.

What worries him MORE is that Drew is lazy as shit.

"I have mixed emotions on how I feel about sending Drew and Jaclyn to Exile."

"He is someone that I do trust."

"But if Drew is anything like he is at camp..."

"Jaclyn might be doing most of the firewood collecting."



So Drew and Jaclyn start their little exile adventure.




Hey Jaclyn, did I ever tell you what an amazing fisherman I am?



And right off the bat, we get the confessionals from Drew that you could have predicted were coming.

"The good thing about being here with Jaclyn is I got an awesome clue. That's number one."

"Number two is..."

"I got a pretty Miss Michigan-type lookin' chick out here."



For her part, Jaclyn already knows a lot about Drew Christy.

Drew's brother, Alec, has already warned her what she's going to be in for out here.

"Alec told me his brother is a ladies man."





"So I'm like... oh god."

"But I'm not worried about him."

"I just wanna figure out what's going on, and collaborate."



And so they collaborate.

Most of the collaboration involves Jaclyn relating all the stories she's heard about Drew being the world's greatest ladies' man.

And, you know, building up his ego a little.

Here she relates how Alec is in awe of Drew's ability to get girls








To which Drew simply responds, "Yeah."

I'm awesome

"I seem to have a curse," he confirms



Care to elaborate on your reputation as a ladies' man, Drew?

"The fact that I'm a ladies' man seems to work in my advantage."

"But, uh, I haven't been tryin' to work that angle too much."

"Jaclyn's definitely very attractive looking."

"But thing is, I'm not out here lookin' for love."

"Definitely not with one of my buddies' girls."



Well thank you. That's very noble, at least. At least you chose bros before hos.

But if you're not here for love, what exactly ARE you out here for?

"I'm really out here just tryin' to strategize."

"And manipulate minds."



So we get the confessional about how Drew isn't interested in Jaclyn for her looks. How he's only interested in manipulating the game.

And it's immediately followed by... you guessed it...

A bunch of shots of him ogling her as she walks around in a bikini





Daddy like

Daddy like

Daddy most definitely...

... like



The shots of Drew ogling Jaclyn are SO blatant, that the editors even insert a shot of a phallic snake, rising up to attention.

Which you might remember I wrote about as one of the very first entries on this countdown.

Good morning, Miss Michigan. Nice to meet you.



So Drew is just standing around the island, continually bragging to Jaclyn about how awesome he is.

"There's really nobody that's physically better than Jon and I on our team, honestly."

"I'm kinda skeptical about the girls voting us out."

"You know what I mean?"



And here comes the moment where he sets the stage for literally voting himself right out of the game.

At some point in the conversation, Jaclyn complains that the Coyopas are always losing the challenges

Their numbers are starting to get low. And it's getting very scary.



And she utters the dread phrase...

"We can't lose again. If we lose again, it's... it's..."



And you know EXACTLY what the Ladies' Man is going to do when he hears that there's a damsel in trouble.

He offers to throw the next challenge for her



Again, this is where being Miss Michigan really pays off.

The Drew-gon Slayer



I will NOT let you lose the next challenge, Drew promises.




And then he lays out what is going to happen.








Ever the noble gentleman, Drew is going to help her.

"Are you really considering that?" she asks, incredulously.

"Yeah, there's snakes on our team that have to go."



And so from here on out, this is Drew's new plan in the game.

He is going to throw the next challenge.

Just so he can win points with Miss Michigan vote out some snakes.




Probably not this one though



Oh, and just WHO are the snakes who he thinks need to go home?




"Honestly, all the girls on my tribe seem a little bit untrustworthy to me."

"They know in the long run, they have no chance to compete against us."



So that's it. Drew's going to throw the challenge. And then he's going to vote out the girls.

Basically because they're all jealous of him, and they know they can never compete with him.







And... of course... it wouldn't be a Fall of Drew Christy entry if we didn't end this scene with a majestic helicopter shot.

FOR I AM THE KING OF THIS GAME!

This is sick



Okay, so Drew's new plan is to throw the next immunity challenge, without telling anyone, just so he can vote out a girl.

All because he wants to win points with a little bit prettier girl.

Who isn't actually even part of his tribe.

Oh boy. This is going to get complicated.



So Drew comes back from Exile Island.

Hey Alec, I almost nailed her!



He even greets them with a jaunty...




And then we dig a little into his mindset.

"Am I gonna throw the immunity challenge?"

"That is the million dollar question."

"People are gonna hate me for doin' that, but I could care less."

"Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, to get things done."



First off, he tosses the immunity idol back to Jeff Probst.

Be careful Probst, I throw hard




Today's immunity challenge is one where the players are required to swim out and retrieve rings.

Like so



And then toss the rings onto a hook.

Sort of like Natalie inserting a palm frond into his nose



Probst even helpfully lays out the stakes for them.

"Coyopa has yet to win an immunity challenge."

"Hunahpu has yet to lose."



And then, sure enough, Drew makes sure that the Hunahpus finally lose one.

Coyopa actually has a legitimate lead for most of the challenge, thanks to Super Wes



But then the ring toss part begins.

And Drew botches the ring toss as hard as he can.





Oops. I accidentally threw that one to Fiji.

Oops, guys, I just rolled one

Guys, I just accidentally put this one around my own neck



In any case, Coyopa somehow wins their very first immunity challenge.

We did it!



And just like that, noble knight Drew has saved the lovely Miss Michigan.

Hey doll, you're welcome



Even Probst can't believe that Coyopa actually won one.

HOLY SHIT, THE WASHINGTON GENERALS ACTUALLY WON!




And with that, the Hunahpus are finally headed to their first Tribal Council.

"Sorry guys, I sucked."



And this, of course, is where we get the confessionals that people tend to remember from this episode.

The ones where Drew starts digging himself a hole even deeper than the hole Rupert once dug on the beach.

Oh no. No, no, no, no.



Drew?

Penny for your thoughts?

"If I don't wanna win, we're not gonna win."

"And that's what makes me the kingpin of my tribe."



So they go back to camp.

It's time for Jesus here to be crucified



Natalie points out that man, Drew, you really sucked out there today, bro.




Drew says he feels bad about it. He doesn't know what came over him out there.

"I'm, like, usually always the best thrower."



And then we get THIS confessional.

Which is the one that everyone remembers.

"I kinda decided on Exile, that if I had the opportunity to throw this game, I would."

"And, uh, I did."




"I don't know if they KNEW I was throwing it, but I could care less."




"Because we need to start getting rid of some of the snakes in our tribe."

"So basically, I'm a badass."

"And a manipulator of this game."




By the way, don't EVER refer to yourself as "a badass" in a confessional if you go on Survivor. Not if you don't want the editors to have a little fun with you.

Right, John Carroll, "Chip" from Africa, Christy from Amazon, and Russell Hantz?

I mean, at least I still have those amazing abs



And this is where Drew starts his plan to get his number one female nemesis out.

First, Jon points out that Julie should probably be the one voted out tonight



Drew isn't really on board with that, though.

We can't vote out Julie, she's hot



You see, Drew has a different name in mind who he'd like to go after.

"There's no reason to vote off Julie tonight," Drew explains

Jon reacts



And now Drew lays down the law to the tribe.

About how the vote tonight is going to play out.

"Okay guys, listen, here's how its gonna go."

"Amongst us, who's the most dangerous person in this tribe?"




"Who is it?"



They all just stand around him, in silence.

Who is it, Drew? Please tell us.

I, too, would like to know this good info

"Who's gonna manipulate this game, and throw the stronger guys out?"




Drew basically just lays down the law, and that's all there is to it.

The vote is going to be Kelley tonight.

"Done deal."



And the rest of the tribe reacts like he announced he just started dating Ann Veal.







Note from a reader named Andrew Koerner: "Be sure to point out just how out of nowhere Kelley was as Drew's target. It's such an Ann Veal "Her?" moment. Kelley's a well-known Survivor now, but I think some fans might forget that that's only because of her social media presence after SJDS and her return appearance on Cambodia. In SJDS itself, she was just the "generic blonde country girl" and probably the last member of the cast you'd be able to name. Were it not for her return appearances, Kelley's entire legacy probably would have been "that girl who Drew Christy for some godforsaken reason somehow thought was the most dangerous player in the game."




Kinda Purple Kelley



In any case, Jon tries to argue against Kelley ("who's Kelley?") being the target tonight.

He points out that Julie doesn't have a loved one left in the game.

So, as an ally, Julie really offers the Hunahpus nothing right now.

DREW, JULIE CAN'T HELP US WHEN WE GET TO THE MERGE! GET HER OUTTA HERE!



Drew doesn't really care though.

I've made my decision, guys. That's that.



Note that Drew himself isn't much of a target yet. For now, he's simply refusing to go along with the Julie vote.

Oh, and what's his biggest gripe with Kelley at the moment?

He's worried that she's a really big superfan.

"Kelley plays very low key. But at the same time, she's very observant."

"And if you talk to her you know, she has not missed one episode of Survivor."

The observant one

"So Kelley's a threat."




"And it is my mission to get people to vote for her tonight."



And so here comes Drew's big crusade to get everyone to vote for Kelley Wentworth tonight.

Even if they have no interest in doing so, he is basically going to steamroll them.

In the leadup to their first Tribal, Jeremy proposes a deal

"You protect me, Drew. I protect you. It's a mutual protection pact."



Drew, of course, will hear none of it.

"Who's gonna come after you? The only dangerous one out here is Kelley."

"You guys are all overlooking the mastermind here. It's Kelley."



Jeremy just kind of stares at Drew now, dumbfounded.

So wait... you don't WANT a mutual protection pact?



And now Jeremy starts to turn against Drew.

"Drew is convinced that we have to vote out Kelley."

"Because he thinks Kelley runs the girls."

"Which is ridiculous."

"She's not doing anything!"



The Hunahpus all argue with Drew over this, but he won't budge.

Kelley has absolutely no power, bro! It's stupid!



Jeremy then shits all over Drew's thought process yet again.

"With Drew, there's no throwing back and forth."

"He's just like 'Kelley's goin' home.' And that's it."



And now we come to the part that is REALLY funny about this whole thing.

Seriously, Drew's fall is already funny enough on its own. But I bet a lot of people have never thought about this extra ridiculous part of it that much.

See, Drew's big concern tonight is that the women will team up, and they will vote out the guys

Which would be hard to do, when there are five men on the tribe, and only four women



I mean, even Brad Culpepper could probably do the math on that one.

Four take away nine equals... in?



For some reason, Drew is terrified that the four girls are going to take out the five guys.

And when Natalie realizes that's what he's scared of, she starts reporting it to the girls.

"I was just talking to Drew, and he's like the girls are trying to get the guys out!"

Really?

"I'm telling you, they're so dumb."

"He JUST told you that?"

"He thinks there's a guy-girl thing here!"

"There's no guy-girl thing here!"

"We have no power! How could we?"



And here's the great irony of the great Drew Christy downfall.

There never was a guy/girl split on the tribe until he started telling people there was.

And also, THE WOMEN NEVER EVEN FUCKING HAD THE NUMBERS TO BEGIN WITH



But it's on now.

You want a guy/girl split on the tribe, Drew?

Well guess what? You got one.




"Drew is scared that the girls are going to vote out the guys."

"Which is stupid."

"But he's convinced of this girl-girl alliance."



And here's where Missy finally just suggests the obvious.

"I don't know. Maybe we get rid of Drew first."

That WOULD be kinda funny, huh?



Care to comment, Natalie?

"Getting rid of Drew, that would be so sweet. If we can pull this off."

"He's so annoying."




If you're scoring along at home, here's what Drew Christy has managed to do so far in episode four.

* He tried to negotiate with Jeff Probst, after Probst had already warned him before not to ever do that again.
* He embarrassed his tribe at the duel, after they pleaded with him, please don't embarrass us.
* He went and ogled his buddy's fiancee on Exile Island, after specifically stating he would never do something like that to a buddy.
* He promised Jaclyn he would throw a challenge for her, even though he had never met her before in his life, and he had absolutely no stake in her game.
* He intentionally threw a challenge, even though he was on a tribe that was probably never going to lose an immunity challenge.
* He has referred to himself as a badass, a manipulator of this game, a legend, the only person here who is worth a damn, and he has already set himself up quite nicely for the editors.
* He has pissed off his allies at camp, including Jeremy, by shooting down every single one of their voting suggestions.
... oh, and then on top of all that...
* He has created a girl/guy split on his tribe, simply by accusing everyone of being in a girl/guy split on the tribe.

I don't know about you, but to me, that sounds like a pretty full day.

And also, I'm a really good fisherman



But guess what?

WE AREN'T EVEN TO THE WORST PART OF DREW CHRISTY'S SURVIVOR GAME YET!

If you haven't watched this episode recently, I bet you've forgotten about THIS little part.

So Drew's giving a little sermon on the mount to the Hunahpus

And he's informing them why the vote tonight has to be Kelley



Well guess what, Russell Hantz?

Guess who's standing right behind you?

Hey, look at that. It's Kelley.

Well isn't this just a fun little eavesdropping



So Drew just stands there.

And he... uh... has the following conversation.

Keep in mind that Kelley is standing there, and she's listening to ALL of it.

"We're sending Kelley home. That's the power move."

You know she's standing right behind you. Right?

"Thinnnnnk about it here, guys."

"I'm telling you."




Now Drew gets a little more aggressive with his argument.

Again, remember, Kelley hears pretty much all of this.

"Let's get Kelley out tonight!"

"And then all these bitches don't know what to do, other than come to us."

"Trust me, guys."

"TRUST me!"

"They're gonna fuck us!"

"Look at me in the eyes! Count on it!"



So anyway, Drew's probably not going to be on Kelley's Christmas card list anymore.

Wow, apparently I sound really scary



Kelley can see the writing on the wall though. She can see that Drew is already digging his own grave.

He is already pissing off EVERYONE.

"I don't know what it is. Maybe he's just threatened by me, you know, as a strong female."

"But Drew has to be the one to, like, make the final decision, and that's it."

"He has to be the king of it."

"I think people are getting over that really, really quickly."



And from here on out, now the Drew death spiral is on.

The girls are going to band together to vote out Drew Christy



Natalie, of course, is especially vocal about it.

She even pleads her case to Jeremy








Your thoughts on all this, Jeremy?

"The girls wanna get rid of Drew."

"Yes, he's a moron. But that's a big move."



Oh, and you thought Drew was an asshole BEFORE? When he talked shit about Kelley, right there in front of her?

Well check out THIS scene.

Check out the way he talks down to Missy.

Missy is just standing there, minding her own business, brushing her hair



And Drew just pipes up and tells her how she'll be voting tonight.

"We're sending Kelley home. That's what's happening."

You tell me just like that? Wow.



Jon is so horrified by Drew's behavior at this point, that he winces.

And I bet that guy totally ogled my girlfriend, didn't he?



And now Drew basically threatens Missy.

"Be on board with it tonight, or not."



And ha ha, here we go again.

Apparently Drew said all this right in front of Kelley again.

Jeremy even points it out to him

"Dude, she's right there."




To which Drew replies, diplomatically...

"I don't care."

"I'm just telling her the truth."



Finally, Drew goes out and he is an asshole to Missy AGAIN.

This one is probably the worst of them all.

This is where he states the girls can't be trusted to follow simple voting instructions



To which Jon FINALLY butts in, and he says...




And again, the standard rebuttal from Drew.
1
"I don't care."



And you know what?

Drew is probably going to be voted out tonight.

Just a hunch.

"Maybe we should just get rid of Drew tonight."

"He's digging his own grave."



And then finally... mercifully... we eventually go to Tribal Council.

Where the single worst episode a player has ever had on Survivor is about to come to an end.

I'm still kind of a badass, though



Somehow the ultimate ladies' man has single-handedly managed to piss off all of the girls.



He doesn't go down without a fight though.

First, he tries to blame the immunity loss on the swimmers




Who were mostly the girls



Then he tries to say that Kelley contains a lot of bad energy.

"I wanna get rid of the bad energy in the tribe tonight."



To which Kelley replies... yes, we actually DO have some bad energy on this tribe.

"Yeah... but who's who's the bad seed in this bunch?"

"Maybe we don't all agree on that."



And Natalie, of course, is still just sitting there, openly mocking him.

"At one point today, Drew was accusing me that the girls wanted to get the guys out."

"And I was like, whaaaaaaat?"



Jeff even takes a moment to point out the faulty logic in that math.

"How would the girls take out the guys? There are only four?"

"I KNOW, RIGHT?"

Never Forget



And then comes the final great highlight in the Drew Christy, the ladies' man, Survivor adventure.

When Julie goes up to vote, he openly checks out her ass



And my god, was that downfall amazing.

One by one, the women all go up, and they all vote for him.

Dick!




Dick!




Dick!




Dick!




Dirk!



And just for good measure, they're even joined by a super chagrined-looking Jeremy.

You should have said yes to that mutual protection pact



And just like that, the single worst performance in Survivor history has managed to come to an end.

*smuff*



And here was the reaction of pretty much everyone in the fan base the first time they watched this.

















And somewhere that night... it is said that Jason Siska was watching TV on a boat somewhere in the Pacific...

And he was watching Survivor...

And he was smiling happily...

Knowing that his story in Micronesia wasn't nearly this bad.

My god, that Drew was a tool



And that, my friends, is the greatest "fall" on Survivor you are ever going to see.




Bet you'll care now



Sorry you lost the title, John Carroll.



















P.S. Oh yeah, want to know the thing that makes me laugh the hardest about the Fall of Drew Christy? I've rarely seen anyone ever comment on this before.

After ALL the damage he did to create an all-female alliance, even where one never actually existed in the first place, what's the FIRST thing he mentions in his final words? 

"I knew all along, those girls wanted me outta there!"



Yes, Drew. They wanted you out all along. That was their plan.

Except for the fact that YOU WERE THE ONE WHO CREATED THE ALL-GIRL ALLIANCE IN THE FIRST PLACE! In one episode! By starting up a rumor that there was one, and then talking down to the girls, and then pissing all of them off.

YOU, YOURSELF, TOTALLY MADE THAT ALLIANCE!

I knew it! The girls were after me! I was right!



Never change, Drew.

Oh well, I'm still awesome








P.P.S. I just found this great comment on an old Reddit thread.













Special disclaimer:  Max Dawson actually wrote in after I posted this entry, and he offered a small bit of insider trivia I wasn't aware of:

"The tallest person on the tribe always carries the flag. They arrange you by height for walk ins and outs and the last person - the tallest - carries the flag. It's a production thing. That's why I carried the flag on Masaya and then, after the swap, on Nagarote.

That said, for the purposes of this entry it's way funnier if we just believe that Drew just grabbed the flag every time because he's a badass 😂"


Special thanks to Cory Gage for the Silence of the Lambs FUBC. It was one of my favorites.
Note for 2020: I now have Funny 115 t-shirts available if you'd like to help support my website.



If you'd like one with the large logo, go here. The shirts with the smaller logo up on the chest are available here. I also have stickers available, v-necks, tank tops, etc. Just look around the website and there is a bunch of different stuff. Thank you so much to Tardis Repairman for designing the logo for me. I love it.




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