The Funny 115 - version 2.0


#2.  The Fall of Russell Hantz - Part 2
Heroes vs Villains - all 14 glorious episodes




Russell:  I'm Russell Hantz!  I'm the greatest!  I'm Russell Hantz!
Russell:  I'm Russell Hantz!  I'm the greatest!  I'm Russell Hantz!
Russell:  I'm Russell Hantz!  I'm the greatest!  I'm Russell Hantz!
Sandra:  Motherfucker.
Jury:  Sandra wins.
Russell:  Hey, what's the big idea?
Survivor:  lol










Ah yes.  It is time for the entry that nearly everybody has been waiting for.  It is time for The Fall of Russell Hantz, Part 2.  Or, as the kids call it on the streets, the way funnier one.

By the way, I couldn't decide how I wanted to open this entry.  I either wanted to start it the way I did above, or this way below.  You decide which one you prefer.






I'm Russell Hantz!






Fuck Russell Hantz!


























Okay before we get to this entry let me add one quick disclaimer.  This is going to be obvious to anyone who has read the Funny 115 before, but I suppose I better announce it right here in case any new readers stumble upon this page and didn't already know this.

Here are the facts.  Sandra is by far my all time favorite female player.  I loved her in Pearl Islands, I loved her in Heroes vs Villains, she was by far one of my favorite characters on the original Funny 115, and it has been breaking my heart that I haven't had a chance to use her very often on Version 2.0.  I mean, look at it this way.  Imagine there was a third Funny 115, and I had to go 113 entries not being able to make fun of Coach.  That's how much it has pained me not to be able to use Sandra on Version 2.0 so far.






America's Sweetheart





So anyway, Sandra is one of my favorite players.  And Russell Hantz is, well, not one of my favorite players.  So when this storyline fell into my lap, it was sort of like a gift from the heavens.

With that in mind, let the Fall of Russell begin.  And beware.  

I am about to get positively giddy with this one.







It is episode one of Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains.  And the new bad boy on the block is returning to his throne.





What is the new King of Survivor's name?







"My name is Russell Hantz."





Russell Hantz is coming back to dominate the game that he didn't win because he sucks at Survivor destroyed the first time around.  And this time around he is going to bring out the big guns.  This time around he isn't just going to burn Jaison's socks in the fire.  







Russell hurts people.  Russell burns shit.





This time around he is going to burn and destroy everyone.













So Russell comes back at the start of Heroes vs. Villains, and right away he jumps into the game, guns a-blazin'.  

Never mind that none of the other players have any idea who this new little guy in the hat is.  Never mind that he has this huge advantage because none of the other players have ever seen him before, and nobody has any idea how he plays or how you can't trust a word that he says.  Nope.  Russell has this enormous advantage over every other player at the start of the game.  And he wastes no time in jumping in and proclaiming his dominance.







Russell steps onto the beach and sees all the great players he is going to dominate







Wow.  Look at all the All-Stars plus Amanda.





And this is where he starts the endless repetition of Russell cliches.







"Finally I can play the game with somebody who respects the game."





Note:  For purposes of this entry, please note that "people who respect the game" is Russell-speak for "People who don't understand how Survivor works like me."   We will need to keep that in mind.  Especially because he is going to repeat this mantra at least 42,000 more times over the next two years.







You can see that even Jerri is a little surprised by this little troll's cockiness on the beach.  Who the hell is this guy?






Well here is who the hell this guy is.  

He is a guy who is bigger than the game.  Like a god.  

Sort of like John Lennon or the Pope or Jesus.  Only better.







"These are All Stars.  But you know what, I'm a little above that."






"Like Michael Jordan is in basketball."






"Or like Michael Phelps is in swimming."






"There's always somebody that's above their sport."






"And I'm the best player that ever played this game."







"Now guess what, I get to prove it."











So anyway, yes.   Russell is here.  And Russell is awesome.  He is sort of like the penicillin vaccine, sliced bread, and the iPhone, only if they had all been invented simultaneously by a talking unicorn.







"If I could whoop these All-Stars, doesn't that mean I'm the best ever?"












"I'm gonna play similar to same game"






"I'm gonna use the miiiiiind game"













Russell Hantz may be the single best strand of DNA to ever be produced from a zygote




So anyway, yeah.  There is Russell.  Survivor legend.  Survivor god.   The single greatest player* who will ever exist in all 62 seasons of Survivor.



* who has never won












Russell jumps into Heroes vs Villains feet first, and he starts down the exact same path of destruction that didn't work at all worked so well for him before.   He starts the exact same crash and burn storyline that didn't actually work won him a million dollars so spectacularly the first time.







I'm a hurt people






I'm a beeline for the youngest cutest girls and make them conflicting endgame promises





















Russell with his ally Parvati, who is clearly at least 6'5".







I'm a smile at the pretty girls







I'm a squeeze those







I'm a bury the tribe's machete





Right off the bat, Russell is able to do everything that he has done before, and he does it without opposition.  Since nobody has any idea who the hell he is, or how he plays, he is able to walk all over them.

Well actually, no.  That's not quite true.

There is one player that Russell will -not- be able to walk all over, and you know who she is.







Here's a hint.  She can get loud too, what the fuck.





Yes.  There will be one person to stand up to Russell as he sets down his path of destruction.

One person who has not only won the game before (unlike Russell), but one who already -has- a well established history of dealing with and taking down little loud douchebags.






Remember this?





You see, a lot of people forget this, but Sandra has already taken down Russell before.  Yep.  Heroes vs Villains wasn't the first time she did it.

She took down Russell six years before, when he was taller and his name was Jonny Fairplay.






The original Russell







Sandra didn't take his shit last time either.  She has a history of this.






The Sandra vs Russell feud won't show up for a few episodes, but just remember it.  Because if there is one thing I want you to take away from this entry,  I want you to remember this.   Remember that Sandra has done this before.  Sandra Diaz-Twine exists solely for the purposes of taking down and humiliating bad guys.







So Russell's a bad ass.  I don't care.






I want you, bitch





Oh yeah, if there is one -other- thing I want you to take away from this entry, also remember this.  Remember how I said earlier that Russell had a huge advantage going into Heroes vs. Villains because nobody knew who he was?  Well Sandra also had an advantage, only her advantage was over Russell.

You know now Russell is the self proclaimed "biggest fan of Survivor" and "had so much respect for the game" and "only wanted to play against people who knew what they were doing"?

Well Russell had never watched Pearl Islands before.  In fact he had never watched most Survivor seasons before playing Samoa.  I don't think he had any idea who Sandra was, how she played, or even that she was a former winner at first.

In other words, Sandra had a huge advantage over Russell going into Heroes vs. Villains.  And he had no one to blame but himself.







He doesn't know me!   He doesn't know how I win!   I can do the exact same thing again!  Woo hoo!












Okay more on Sandra vs. Russell later.  For now, let's just watch how Russell storms like a bull in a china shop through yet another season of Survivor.







Russell and his harem prepare to take over the Villains tribe





He starts by developing an unhealthy fascination with Boston Rob.







I'm a watch him.












I'm a spy on him.














He isn't young with tits.  I'm a kill him.





And thus the great game of Boston Rob Gangbang '10 begins.






"Rob, he thinks he's the boss of the camp.  He thinks he's in control."







"But this is my mountain.  I'm still the king of the hill."




And so on and so on.  You've heard it before.






"Survivor is my palace, so I'm still the king until I'm dethroned."






"And you know what? That aint gonna happen."





There seems to be a theme this season.  I hear Russell is really good at Survivor.  

Russell?  Comments?







"Boston Rob thinks he's in charge, but he's not in charge.  I'm in charge."






"I am KING RUSSELL from Samoa."











Oops.  Sorry, I got a little ahead of myself.  Hang on, we'll get to that later.













So Russell decides he is going to square off against Boston Rob, and he does so by gathering his three troops against Rob's six troops.  Yes, three against six.   In military parlance, this tactic is referred to as "Custer's Last Stand."







I'm a flank him




Wait.  First we get to hear about how awesome Russell is again.






"Rob thinks he's the boss of the camp."






"Like, that's my daddy."






"Well -I'm- the daddy around here."













"He don't know who he's messin' with."







"-Nobody- knows who they're messing with around here."







"It's Russell Hantz."







And we end, of course,... with crazy eyes












And thus the assault on Boston Rob begins.






"Rob thinks he's runnin the show."







"He wants to play rough, I can play rough."













King Russell can get rid of the machete






Russell buries the machete






"This is gonna be wonderful cause it's not just gonna be the machete."






"Ol' Boston Rob likes that hat, don't he?"







Uh yes.  Yes he does.






"I think he'll go nuts without his little B hat."






Yes.  Yes he would.







Artist's rendition of Rob if he lost his little B hat.







Muhahaha





And this is where it finally comes to a head.  Boston Rob vs. Russell.

It is episode four, and the Villains Tribe gets a clue that there is a hidden idol nearby.







Needless to say, Russell pops a boner over this





Rob reads the clue out loud, and of course since idols are a good way to tear your tribe apart early in the game, Sandra proposes a suggestion about it.







"An immunity idol is hidden at your camp."






Sandra's idea













"If you get it, we're gonna write your name down and force you to use it."







"Also, I don't know your name, but fuck you."





And so it is decided.  In the interest of tribe unanimity, the Villains are not going to look for the hidden immunity idol.  In the interest of everyone being friends, and the tribe being unified for as long as they can, no one is going to divide the tribe apart by going to find it.  It is a good plan.

Well okay, except for the one guy on the Villains who doesn't really care about having a social game at all.







Honey badger don't care






"These people are too dumb to even walk down the beach."






"This is a bunch of idiots out here!"





Right there in front of everyone, Russell announces he is going for a walk.














Um, really?






Rob's no dummy.   "The question is, is he really goin' for a walk or is he goin' lookin' for the idol?"












Since Sandra is well known for her ability to spy on people and catch people doing douche things, Rob calls her onto the case.  He summons his professional attack dog.














"Okay lemme go do this thing."






Like the great Aristotle, or the magnificent Plato, Sandra has a colorful and philosophical way of phrasing things.



















Way to go, mister social game.














Yes.  Yes it is.






Motherfucker, it's him












And right then and there, Sandra finally decides what she thinks of him.













Guilty





Sandra goes back to camp, and she reports what she saw.  And now Russell has immediately cemented six people to vote against him.  Just like that.  In one fell swoop, no one will ever like him or trust him or respect him the entire rest of the game.  

In fact he probably lost the jury vote right here.





















"That's what we said.  We said if you go for it then you're sealing your own fate."






"Russell's a bonehead.  He's like the hobbit, on crack."






I'm a find Rivendell






"The safest thing to do with someone like that is to just get rid of 'em.  Right away."






Now in a perfect world, Russell's Survivor legacy should end right here.  In 99% of cases where someone did something like this on day 12, their Survivor experience would be cut short very suddenly.  It would end swiftly and violently and decisively, just like it should.

But no.  Not for Russell.  You see, Russell is going to be even -more- blatant about what he is doing at this point.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what you call "respecting the game."







What's the best thing to do when everybody else on the tribe is working together and trying to form social bonds they will need down the road?






That's easy.  Just walk right past them and go blatantly look for the immunity idol






I'm a shit on you all




















I'm awesome






Oh great.  The shit eating grin.  Hang on to your seatbelts, here we go again.





So anyway, Russell now has a bunch of people really pissed off at him.

Want to see what a great social player does next?

Easy.  He goes up to someone who has actually won Survivor before, and he starts talking down to her.







"Just grab onto my coattails, girl."













"Yes you do.  You will.  You'll ride these.  You're gonna be okay."






Oh Russell, you're cute.





To get a fourth vote, he decides to play into Coach's delusional bullshit and play dragon slayer with him.






Coach, I saw a dragon.  Want to help me kill it?  I heard there is a patent of nobility in it for you.







My liege





Okay so we're four votes now, and we're gonna beat five.  Nicely planned.

Oops.  Guess it is time for a little more Russell bragging.







"Coach bows down before me.  He was the one kneelin' to -me-.  And I knight him."







"As the king that I am."







"I knight the Dragonslayer, to be part of my kingdom."





And again, just for good measure.






"I don't think Rob knows who he's deeeeealllin' with."






"I don't care how strong he is, I don't care who he is."







"He's threatening Russell Hantz and when you do that you go."







Tee hee





And now we come to the biggie.  Episode six.  The Rob versus Russell showdown.  

Perhaps the single most epic showdown in Survivor history,

Also notable for having the single stupidest decision in Survivor history, which we will get to in a minute.






Episode 6.  Rob makes a very prescient quote at the start of it.






"Russell's gonna find out soon enough that he's out of his league".







"He's not playing with the amateurs anymore, he's playing with the big boys now."












The Villains finally go to Tribal Council in episode six, and Rob and Russell both know the showdown is coming tonight.

Russell goes off to gather his, uh, three troops.  And Rob goes off to gather his six.  It turns out that Coach is back on Rob's side because Rob promised to sharpen him tonight.






Sharpening?






Rob with his right hand man, assistant coach Tyson.  They go over their plan for the vote tonight.






Rob explains that they should split their votes 3-3.  Just in case Russell has the idol.  This is a flawless plan and there is no way it should ever not work.







Again, he goes over the plan.  All we have to do is split 3-3.  You three vote for Russell.  You three vote for Parvati.







"This is fucking basic first grade math.  If we split 3-3 there is no way it could ever not work."






Confused






"Do you understand, you can't lose.  We can't lose that way."







"Me, you and Tyson, we vote for Russell."






"So I vote for Coach?"







"No, you vote Russell!  Russell!"







"Yeah but if I don't vote Russell, who do I vote for?  Do I vote for Probst?"













Right up until Tribal Council, Tyson is on board with the plan.  He knows he is supposed to vote for Russell.   Everyone knows it.  This is the fucking Dick and Jane of basic Survivor decisions.







"Rob, myself, Sandra., we're voting for Russell.  It's not rocket science."





And thus this is how Russell's Survivor legacy should have ended.  They should have split the votes 3-3 and Russell goes home.  And then we would never again have to hear how he is the greatest Survivor player.







How episode six should have ended







*smuff*




But alas.  No.

Seriously, fuck you Tyson.






Tyson decides to wing it and he changes his vote to Parvati






Russell gives his idol to Parvati.  Parvati plays the idol.  And Tyson, you're a dumbass.







Huh







*sigh*





And just like that, Tyson Apostol has managed to vote himself right out of the game.






*smuff*






Why am I always on the buffoon tribe?






I'm awesome.





Yeah yeah I know.   In the episode they say that Russell planted a "Russell Seed" in Tyson's head, and that that got Tyson to switch his vote.  But that's complete B.S.  Remember, the episodes also claim that Russell impregnated Helen of Troy and started the Trojan War.

If you'd like to know how badly the producers fudged this to make it look like Russell had anything to do with it, go read Tyson's post game interviews.  In fact I will just cut and paste the relevant sections myself.  Tyson thought he was being tricky and he essentially voted himself out.


Question:  I know you've been talking to reporters all morning and I know you've been getting this question, so I hope you have a good answer... Dude, what were you thinking?
Tyson: [laughs.] OK. So on my way to Tribal Council, this is what I thought: Danielle, Parvati and Russell know that we're splitting the votes 3-3 and I know they're voting for me. But I want Parvati gone, so I'm willing to take the risk, because I was thinking that if Parvati and Danielle are smart enough, they'll vote for Russell just to save themselves, which seems like it would be a smart play. But I guess now, looking back, too smart. I would think that if you pit 'em against each other, you would think that the one side would be like, "OK. I'll vote him out." So that's what I was thinking.  I was like, "But I want Parvati gone more, because I feel like she's a bigger threat right now, so I'm going swap my vote from Russell to Parvati and regardless of if Parvati votes Russell or not, she'll be the one going home." I knew Russell had the Idol and I knew that there was a chance that he could give it to her, but you wouldn't think that that would happen. I mean, I shouldn't have taken the risk, because I didn't need to, but you know... What happened happened. It was kinda like the stars aligned for everybody but me.


Question: When would you say you finally made up your mind to do the vote your own way?
Tyson: You know, the whole way to Tribal Council, I was just thinking about it. It just occurred to me like, "Parvati and Danielle could vote for Russell and then he'd be gone." But I know he has the Idol, which I want in my hands. And I know that if I get Parvati out, Russell will be my puppy dog and so I was like, "OK. It's a risk, but if it works out, it's going to put me in a super-powerful position." And so I contemplated and I kept going back and forth and then on my way up to vote, I was just like, "Do or Die. Gotta make a decision." So I just went with that. Really, I think Russell knew he was going home and I think it didn't matter to him whether he went home this week or next, but he knew that the numbers were so stacked against him that he couldn't win. Really, I think he was giving up and just kinda saying, "I'm gonna go out with a little dignity and give my Idol to my alliance and then just go home." I really think that he felt that he was done.
 
 
Question: Well, the editing of the show certainly made it look as he had...
Tyson:  Tricked me?
Question:  Exactly. No?
Tyson:  Well, that conversation actually went more like this. Me to Russell: We're gonna vote you 3-3 and you either have to vote Parvati out with your vote or play the Idol. And he said: I can't vote Parvati out. And we left there and I knew that they were going to vote for me and he knew that we were going to split the votes. So that's why he went up. I think he was going to play it for himself and then he was like, "Naaaah. I know I'm gonna go sooner or later now. Nobody likes me. Here you go Parvati. I want to be honorable and noble like Coach." The shock on their faces was too genuine. I knew that they had no clue. They were definitely more surprised than me, because I knew the moment the Idol came out of Russell's pocket and into Parvati's hands that I was done.
 
 
Question:  How did that moment feel?
Tyson:  It felt about the same as the last time as I got voted out. A lot of viewers at home don't know that you can tell when you're going home as the votes are being read. Last time, I knew the moment that my name was read twice. I was like, "They got me. I'm out." You have a moment to kinda reflect and pull yourself together. So this time, as soon as it was played, I was like, "I screwed myself and I also screwed my alliance." I mean, we had planned this plan and we had all promised it and it benefits everybody to go further in the game and so for me to do that was probably a pretty selfish move. Had it worked out, had I been there with Russell and him not being there with Parvati, he would have had to come to me and I would have another option in my cards. That would have been beautiful for me.


Question:  Going back a bit, the episode was absolutely edited to make what happened last night look like a major triumph for Russell. It doesn't sound, though, like you viewed it that way? You think it was a desperate last move on his part?
Tyson:  Yeah. That's what I think it was.


Question:   From your point of view, Rob, Russell and Parvati, are they as smart as they all think they are?
Tyson:  You know, I definitely don't think Russell is. I think he plays stupid and ended up lucking out. On top of that, Parvati and Russell have distanced themselves from the tribe so much... You can't do that in "Survivor" when there's nine people there. You can't push yourself away and say, "I'm only going to be with these two." They didn't try very hard to befriend other people or align with other people. You can do a half-assed attempt where you're like, "Uh, let's be allies" and then you both turn away and are like, "That was ridiculously stupid." That's what they were doing. They were just on the bottom of the totem pole and they were fine being there.

 




I'm a pay the editors to make me look good





I don't normally post stuff like that in these entries because it kind of clogs them up.  But I did it in this case because I don't want to get a single email about how Russell had anything do with Tyson's decision to vote for Parvati.  The editors only showed it that way because it fit the storyline better.







Russell's harem laughs out loud when they see that they actually survived.  They know full well how lucky they were to have made it through that vote tonight.





So anyway, yeah.  Russell wins the first showdown.  And he knows it too.  Although he has to be aware that he is probably on borrowed time now.  I mean, he's still down five to three after the vote.  He really didn't win much.

Still, we did get this great moment from this episode, which will become important later.

This is the first shot fired across the bow in the war of Sandra versus Russell.







"Russell, you need to get in the ocean and wash your ass."






"I can't stand you and I can't wait for you to go home.  Adios."





And yes.  I love the fact that she said that, yet she still included a smiley face.






Is not clean down there.





With Tyson out of the game, and Russell still inexplicably hanging around in the game, at this point now it is just open season on troll hunting.  This is where everyone who isn't related to Russell or banging him in the shelter at night just sits around camp and talks about how much they hate him.

It starts, of course, with Courtney's famous confessional about how Russell is a little troll.

I already talked about this scene in an earlier entry.






"This just proves that Parvati will flirt with anything that walks."







Meanwhile, Russell and his harem celebrate their continued existence







How the hell did that even work?







Mostly they just stand around and giggle about what they pulled off last night







Or rather what Tyson pulled off





The three of them stand right outside the tent and make jokes and giggle.  Meanwhile Rob is about ten feet away inside the tent, still trying to figure out how that plan didn't work last night.  He sits there and wracks his brain, as he listens to Russell and Parvati make jokes about him.  He can't believe what he is hearing.







"I don't understand how they can be so cocky right now.  Makin' fun of people."








"How can they do that?  There's three of them.  There's five of us."







Nobody can figure out what Russell is exactly so cocky about.







"To me it's ridiculous that three people would have so much confidence."








But it's confidence they have.








Russell gains even more confidence when he goes to Jerri and he promises her an endgame deal






Which of course leads to yet another variant of the Russell Rant.








"Jerri has all kind of respect for me now."







"Now she has an alliance that she has to start a relationship with."







"Jerri hated Parvati.  I brought them together."







Former enemies







"But I'm that good."







Where I can bring people together in this game for -my- good.






Of course this is a wonderful short term solution by Russell, but it doesn't always work in the long run.  There's no way you can have a final two pact with three different people.  No way.  This is how people get ahead of themselves and wind up losing Survivor.  The only way you can get away with betrayals like that in the end is if you are likable or charming, like Todd.  Or Heidik.  Or if you are a bullshitter, like Chris.  No way is a player like Russell ever going to get away with that.  This is the aspect of "a social game" that Russell doesn't really get.







So of course Russell goes and he does the exact same thing when he talks to Coach.   Hey, might as well create another future pissed off juror.  Why not?








"Blindside Rob and I'll take you to the final three."








Hmmm.   What would Marcus Aurelius do?








Okay my fellow knight, I will join you.  You shall have my steel besides you in battle, my lord.








Hey dumbass juror.   Bliiiiiindside!





Wait.  That comes later.  Hang on.







So anyway, the Heroes win immunity in episode seven.  The Villains are set to go to Tribal Council again.








This episode will forever be known as "Boston Rob's Last Stand."





Russell is extremely confident, of course, about his chances tonight.







I'm so awesome.  I'm better than this water.





Russell is so confident, of course, that this is where we get the famous scene where he sits down and trashes Sandra and Courtney right in front of them.

Again, I already talked about this scene in another entry.  It is one of my favorite scenes of the season.








"Hey Rob, why do you think Sandra and Courtney are so worthless?















Rob laughs at how Russell can be such a brazen asshole








"You two are absolute pieces of shit, but no hard feelings."















I'm gonna cut off your ding-a-ling, Russell.






And with that, Russell and his collection of final two deals go to Tribal Council and they take out Rob.








"If you're gunning for me, you're not gonna get what you want."







Oh wash your ass















*smuff*







Jerri immediately feels bad about it







So does Coach







Russell, of course, celebrates with Charles Manson eyes





So anyway, we are now at the low point of the season.  Russell has somehow gained control of the tribe.  

Despite all logic that he should even still be here, Russell Hantz has somehow made final two deals with every other player in his alliance, and is now in a prime position to run it all the way to the end.  At this point he has a very real chance of winning Survivor: Heroes vs Villains.  He has a very real chance of making the Baby Jesus cry.







I'm a have my face on Mount Rushmore






However, there is one variable in his path that he hasn't really counted on.
 
And luckily for us she is about to become the hero of the season...







Fuck smiling, I'm tired






That's right.  With the fate of the season hanging in the balance, with the biggest d-bag in 20 seasons about to go on to win Survivor, with the very existence of God Himself in question with Russell now in control of the game, there is only one person we can call in to throw a wrench in his plans.

You guessed it, my friends.  It is time to dial 9-1-1.  It is time to call in the one... the only...

The Changa.







I swear I'm gonna screw you annnnnnd Burton





As the seventh episode of Heroes vs Villains comes to a close, Russell is about as high as he is ever going to get in the game of Survivor.   He has just taken out Boston Rob.  He gets to cuddle every night in the shelter with Parvati and Danielle's breasts.  One of his closest allies is a guy who thinks he is a dragon slayer.  He is finally the king of the world.  

There literally could not be a time when Russell will ever be happier in Survivor than he is at this moment.








And of course that means it is time to gloat and to brag







Russell laughing over what he just did to Boston Rob





















Even Parvati takes a moment to join in






And then?  Yes, you guessed it.  Variant #82 of the Russell confessional.








"You know what?  I just won."







"Big time Boston Rob, the super All Star."







"He aint nothin' on me."







"I'm controlling this game.  I'll take care of all of 'em, one at a time."






"This is Russell Hantz."







"If you aint with me, you against me."






But alas.  Things are not all that rosy in his little Russell World.

Oh things might look nice and rosy on the surface.  At the moment he might look as powerful and as dominant as any player in the history of the game.  I mean, come on.  J.T. just handed him a letter and a free immunity idol.  How much more awesome and powerful can you get?

But alas.

Unfortunately for Russell, the problem is that people are already starting to get tired of what an enormous jagoff he is.







Starting with Coach







"Russell is a bully, no more no less.   He's a bully."







"And I bet he's never even thrown a ball underhand at a tile before."






But of course the queen of bitching about Russell is the queen of bitching herself:  Sandra.  

It is at this point in the game that Sandra turns her venom against the Villains (well against Russell mostly) at full force.

There will not be one moment at any point in the game from here on out that she will actually say anything nice about the guy.








"The worst tribe ever put together is the Villains tribe."







"I should not even be here."







"I should be with the heroes."







"'Cause I can't stand Jerri."







"I hate Coach."







"I hate Danielle."







"I hate Russell even more."







"So any of those four."







"I'm not gonna pick one above the other cause I equally hate 'em all."













And really, this is where Sandra decides to just start fucking with them.

Yes, it is time to witness the inevitable Rise of Changa.







Sandra meets with her only friend left in the game, Beans.  And they discuss how they are screwed now by being outnumbered 5-2.







And really more out of spite than anything, Sandra comes up with a revenge plan.







Coach














"Russell's the kind of person where if he finds out that somebody's gunning for him, he'll take them out."





















So anyway, yeah.  Sandra is about to cost Russell a very valuable ally.  Not to mention create a very angry juror against him.

This is the kind of stuff that Sandra excels at.







"I bet you Russell will believe me and will get rid of Coach."







"I'm gonna work my magic and we're both gonna be here tomorrow."







Sorry Russell.  You are about to get Changa'd.





The funniest thing about this plan is how simple it turns out to be.  Honestly Sandra and Courtney don't really even have to do all that much.  All it takes is a little acting, a little misdirection, and then Sandra just sits back and lets Russell's paranoia take over.  All it takes is about ten minutes, and he starts imploding his own alliance.








Courtney comes over to talk to Coach, in full view of Russell







Of course Russell notices





Courtney sits there and has a chat with Coach on the beach.  And Sandra casually saunters over to Russell and they have a little talk about it.

Watch how easy this is.

This is why Russell loses, by the way.

This is how easy it is to get Russell Hantz to beat himself.






Russell:  "She was over there talking to Coach."













"It doesn't matter what she says to him.  I will tell them, this is how we're voting."







"And that's how it's gonna be.  It's that simple."







Sandra:  "But at the same time, I heard Coach was saying that he made a mistake and he wishes he could go back."







Russell:  "What mistake?"







Sandra:  "Lettin' Rob go home. That he should have never made the choice that he made and he's sorry."







Sandra:  "That's what he told her.  And that he wanted to get rid of you."







"Oh really."







Sandra:  "So I don't know about your homeboy."







Russell:  "Oh he aint my homeboy."






And really, that's all it takes.  Almost without prompting. Russell launches into a 5 minute shakwila about why he can't trust Coach.








"He's diggin' his own grave just like Rob did."








And just like that, he's been Changa'd.








Biiiiiiiiiiiiotch!





I love this next confessional, by the way.  Remember this one, it is important.







"I told Russell that Coach was talking about voting for him."







"And Russell's so stupid, he ate that crap up, I'm tellin' you."







"He's like oh my God, I can't trust him.  The sooner he goes, the better."







"So, Russell?  He don't know how to play this game."






'Yeah he's done good so far, but with me?"







"He don't know what he got himself into."







Like a lamb to the slaughter






Russell of course goes to Parvati and he brags about his plan to blindside Coach.   He is very proud of himself.

It doesn't even cross his mind that he is about to create an anti-Russell juror.








"Coach is gonna flip.  He's gonna stab me in the back."







"Who does he think he is?"







"The beautiful thing is... I'll be the only guy left."







"It's perfect."








They sit there and share a laugh about how perfect it is







"Coach, Sandra says he wants me gone now."







"But I have the power in this game.  I send home who I want to send home."






Danielle hears about this latest plan and, ever the voice of reason, she tries to head it off.   This will be a recurring theme over the next six episodes, by the way .  Um, can we stop the suicidal shit that Russell is about to do?  Please?







"No!  We have to keep Coach!  We need him!"







"You don't know what you're talkin' about."







"Now shut up and leave me alone, I've decided this."







Russell, as always, is a wonderful diplomat






And Danielle, of course, reacts the way that most players react to a Russell lecture.







*hissssssssss*





Yes.  Even people who liked Russell at the beginning are starting to get tired of him now.







"Russell freaked out and he screamed at me"







"Because everything has to go just the way he wants it to go."





So anyway, yeah.  This is the way you want to go about winning a Survivor vote.







"Hey Coach, remember how I promised I would take you to the final three?  Remember our blood brother dragon slayer pact?"







Bliiiiiindside!








What?







*smuff*







Oh hi angry juror








I'm awesome








And with that, the Changa and her sidekick Beans live to fight another day






Episode nine now.  And with Coach out of the way, Russell now turns his attention to Sandra and Courtney.  

It is at this point that the two of them are going to be the next two gone.  And there aint no ifs, ands, or buts about it.   If you aint with Russell, you against him.  

The two of them troublemakers have gots to go.








"Coach betrayed me by telling Sandra he was going to blindside me tonight."







"I don't trust Sandra and Courtney.  They'll be the next to go."







"I promise you that."







Oh eat me Russell.  Wash your ass.






However, it isn't going to be as easy as Russell thinks it is going to be.  He isn't going to be able to just waltz his way over these All-Stars like he did in Samoa.

Because episode 9 is where things start happening around him that he isn't aware of.  

And when he finds out what people have been doing behind his back, he is going to be furious.







Without telling Russell, Parvati and Danielle find an idol and keep it behind his back




Uh oh.  Don't do that.

Parvati, are you really sure this is a good idea?






"I'm not gonna tell Russell about the idol.  I want Russell to be out of the loop for a little bit."







"I kind of want to see him squirm a little bit.  It's fun."







I'm a kill her





Yet Parvati insists on her little game of let's show Russell who's boss.







"It's not Russell running the show around here, he's not the King of Survivor.  I'm the Queen."







"And usually the King does what the Queen does anyways."








True







And with that, Parvati not only sets a chain of events into motion that will drive Russell insane, she also pulls a maneuver that probably winds up costing herself the game.  

Sorry to say it Parvati fans, but this is probably what does her in later.







Oh well though.  It was fun.






So anyway this is where we are now.  The Heroes and the Villains are a few days away from merging together.  Parvati and Danielle are hiding idols behind Russell's back.  Sandra is vowing full revenge on anyone named Russell.  

And just to add to the craziness, J.T. has of course just handed Russell a free immunity idol.







JT:  "Hang in there buddy, we'll save you."
Russell:  "I'm Russell Hantz."







Have I mentioned before how awesome I am at this game?








"Look!  J.T. gave me their idol!  I'm Russell Hantz!"






And now, on the eve of the merge, this is where the Villains finally make the decision that eventually dooms them.

Yes, voting out Coach was insane.  Yes, Russell treating his minions like idiots was pretty short sighted and dumb.  And yes, it was a really bad idea for Parvati to start teaching Russell she was able to make moves behind his back.

Yes, all of these moves were bad.

But for a man who is known for making historically bad decisions when it comes down to Survivor crunch time, here is the one that -really- comes back to bite Russell Hantz in the ass.

Again, if he wound up losing the game to Sandra, he has no one to blame but himself.








It is the night before the merge, and one of Sandra or Courtney is going home tonight.  Which one should it be?







Should they keep the one who is fragile and has a bad ankle, and who barely cares?  Or should they keep the former winner who is really sneaky and good once you get to the merge?  Which one of Beans and Rice will be less dangerous to have around once you merge with the Heroes?







Let's get rid of Courtney.  Sound good?






Yes, spoken like a man who has no idea who Sandra is, or that she has actually won before.







Sure.  Why not?





Danielle, of course, tries to but in and point out that Russell is being an idiot.  

But alas, just like before, he isn't going to listen to her.







"You guys, if she gets to the end Sandra will be harder to beat than Courtney."








"I agree.  I think we should get rid of Sandra."








Hmmm.  What would be the most blatantly wrong, shortsighted decision I could make here?  If this were Natalie White versus Liz, which one would I pick?






Yes, it is Liz vs Natalie all over again.  Just like in Samoa.

Same decision.  

Same variables involved.

Same outcome.







Yes, we should get rid of the one who broke her leg when a twig fell on her foot








I'm awesome






What I love about this scene (where Russell chooses to keep Sandra going into the merge) is that it isn't even the only bad decision that he makes that night.   No, Russell makes another bad decision right before the vote, and it is amazing that it never came back to haunt him later.

Check this out.








"Jeff, there's three people who really trust each other on this tribe.  Me, Parvati, and Danielle."







Oh thanks, says the fourth member of the alliance.  Real nice.






By the way, if you are an expert at Survivor trivia, you might remember that Jerri once made this -exact same mistake- when she named her friends the night that Mad Dog was voted out.  She accidentally screwed up and revealed that Tina was not in her "best friends" club during an answer at Tribal Council, and it wound up costing her the game.

I just thought it was interesting to point out that Jerri would have known full well what Russell just did, and how it was a terrible social move.  And how it is funny that it happened to her this time.  If this had been written in the summer of 2001 I bet you would be doing a fist pump.







So anyway, Beans is voted out of the game at Tribal Council.  And Sandra tells her she will avenge her in the game now.







Rice without Beans.   I can't believe these motherfuckers actually kept me around.





And with that, the Heroes and the Villains are ready to merge.

Hey, guess who is the first person to pipe up about this?






"When we merge, I have control of the Villains camp.  Complete control."







"I'm a have the Heroes eatin' outta the palms of my hands."





Ah yes.  And now it is time for Russell's never ending quest to lose Survivor by raping all the future jury members.






Russell reunites with JT.  Hey thanks for giving me the idol, man.





Russell starts making promises to all the heroes that he is in with them.






"I am with you guys.  Let's work together."




And now comes the line that will really get him into trouble with the Heroes later.











Yes.  Russell Hantz just went for the old Twila Tanner move of swearing his allegiance on his kids' lives.  Which, as we all know, worked out really well for Twila.  After all, remember?  She won the Vanuatu jury vote 7-0.

Oh wait, never mind.  No she didn't.  The jury ripped her apart.

Perhaps Russell would have known that if he had actually been a Survivor fan.






"Hook, line and sinker.  They're bitin' everything I tell 'em."






"This is gonna be easier than I thought."














Rupert (angrily, off camera);  "Russell you're supposed to ask if anyone else wants an orange before you take one!"





So anyway, there's how Russell is going to lose this game.  He is going to rape all the Heroes and then be surprised when they don't like him at the end.  In other words, he is about to fail Survivor 101.

And of course he is going to get lots of help along the way, because of this little imp.







My precious!





Sandra wastes no time.  The minute the merge hits, she runs right to the Heroes and warns them what kind of a person they are dealing with.  In other words, she undercuts everything Russell is trying to do with the Heroes in about ten minutes.






"You know how some people forgive and forget?"






"Well I don't forgive and I don't forget."






"I hope I get my revenge, 'cause it's gonna be good."





Sandra goes to the King of the Heroes and she spills the beans on everything.

P.S.  Sandra and Rupert were old buddies from Pearl Islands.  Again. not sure that Russell even realized that.












Don't trust a word that motherfucker says.












"You guys are done, starting with the men."






"Whatever Russell says, agree to it.  But he's lying."






Oooooooh, I hates Sandra!





Since Rupert is friends with Sandra, and he knows how she works, he has a pretty good idea that she isn't lying about this.






"Sandra just gave me some good information.  The story that Russell is telling us is not true."






"I don't know if we're getting played or not, but Russell might be running the show."







Fuck you Hantz.  This is for Beans.





But it's not just Russell that is drawing suspicion among the Heroes.  Parvati and Danielle are already creating a fair amount of enemies on their own.

Because this is the Heroes camp, naturally the reason the Heroes are annoyed with the girls is because of bananas.







"Yay!   Let's eat the Heroes' bananas!"






"Okay that's it.  To play us is one thing.  But eating our bananas, that's fucking bullshit, man."






I love this shot.  Don't fuck with Rupert's bananas.  You can practically hear his growl.





With the Heroes realizing that the Villains minus Sandra are all full of shit, they retreat into the woods and they have a little strategy talk.  You will note that since the Heroes are all going to wind up on the jury, and since they are already sick of Parvati and Russell, you can see where this season is headed now.  The ending should not be a surprise.






Rupert warns the Heroes that Russell is playing them all.  And that Parvati is a Grabby Hands McGee.






The one holdout on this idea is JT, who remains skeptical





I can't believe it, but Poopert actually makes a really good argument here.






Rupert pleads with JT to listen to him






"Don't trust Russell.  You guys, he is on the Villains side for a reason."






"You're getting paranoid, Rupert.  Look at you, you're sweating.  You're working yourself up over nothing."






Um





By the way, this is why J.T. should forever be referred to as "The Tyson" of the Heroes tribe.  This is where he single-handedly throws the game away for pretty much all of them.






"J.T. believes wholeheartedly that Russell is on our side, and is indebted to us now."






"J.T. is a fucking retard."





The Heroes vow to stick together and all vote as one, no matter what.  Although J.T. and Rupert disagree on whether they should trust Russell or not.











*sigh*

If only Fishbach had been there to advise him this time.






"Rupert, ha ha ha.  There's a reason I've been doing Rupert's strategical play for him thus far.  Someone has to tell him how to vote."







"I even told him, Rupert, do you believe what Sandra told you?  Or do you believe the obvious truth?"







"If Sandra's story turns out to be true, then that means I'm probably goin' home next."







"Do I believe it?  Not a chance in the world."







Somewhere, Stephen Fishbach is rolling in his grave





As the Heroes and the Villains prepare to face their first Tribal Council together, the Heroes do everything they can to screw it and lose the game.  The only holdout, of course, is Rupert, who continues to warn them that they shouldn't trust Russell.






"Russell looked right at me and swore on his kid's life that he's with us."






"Anyone who would do that right away, I don't trust him."





Between JT the anti-Fishbach, and Amanda the single worst poker player in the world, the Heroes do everything they can now to screw up this vote.  In fact they might have actually played this section of Survivor worse than Russell did.






"Amanda, who do you think is going home tonight."






I don't know.  It's so scary.  I'm just confused.  






My head hurts.  






"Just to be safe, you should play your idol tonight.  You should definitely, by far, no doubt about it, play it.  Make sure you play it.  Got that?  I want you to play it."







Huh





So anyway, yeah.  Nice job screwing up all of Sandra's intel, Heroes.

Rupert still holds out hope that he can defeat the evil, murdering, villainous infamous Russell tonight.  But you know it will fail.  

It will fail because he's a Hero.  And because the Heroes suck.







"The plan tonight is to see if I can oust Russell.  For the weasel that he is."






Weasel





And just what is the genius game plan that J.T. has come up with tonight?






"We think we're gonna vote out Sandra or Jerri."






Um.  Really?  Sandra, the one who is giving us our intel?














*sigh*






As the single worst vote in Survivor history since the Tyson vote prepares to go down, Russell and the Villains prepare because they know exactly what the Heroes are going to do tonight.  They know this because the Heroes are, well to put it diplomatically, not smart.






Russell hands the idol over to Parvati - JT's idol.  Yes, JT's very own idol that he handed to Russell.







Meanwhile, Parvati also has her own secret immunity idol







Meanwhile, Danielle is safe tonight because she and her breasts won immunity





So yes.  That's three Villains who will be safe from the vote tonight.  Only two of them will be vulnerable.  And of course you know the Heroes are going to walk right into one of the single biggest pooch screws in Survivor history.






The Heroes, Villains, and tiny Russell head off to Tribal Council





By the way, how does the jury respond when they see Russell at Tribal Council that night?  Do you think they are pleased to see him?  Is this shaping up to be a pro Russell jury so far?






No.  Not so much.





And yes.  Naturally, the Heroes fuck up everything.













What the fuck?  No, you idiots.





Parvati hands her idols to Jerri and Sandra, the Heroes walk into one of the biggest rope a dopes in the book, and just like that, guess what?

Russell has inexplicably survived a second assassination attempt.






There could not be a more deserved boot in Survivor history.







Somewhere Jason Siska is laughing.





And with that, the chain of events for the Heroes has now been set into motion.  They have been screwed by Russell.  They totally ignored Sandra's good advice.  They could not have played that any worse.  And they have no one to blame but themselves.

And yes, Russell the little troll survives to scamper again.






Dumbasses






Yeah I'm awesome





As for Sandra?  Well now it looks like the assassination attempts will have to end for a while.  At this point, maybe it would be better just to drag him to the end as a goat.






"I still want Russell out bad.  I hate him.  But now I'm stuck with him."




Although again, even though Russell might have escaped this vote by the skin of his teeth, even though he is now in complete power over every single player in the game, he can't leave well enough alone.  He can't leave well enough alone because he is furious about something.  And also, well, because he is Russell.






Even though Russell won the showdown, he is pissed that Parvati had a hidden idol that she didn't tell him about.  Like, murder pissed.  He glares daggers at her.






Oopsies.  BFFs?






I'm a strangle you











From here on out, even though Russell should have complete dominance over everyone, even though the game should be in the palm of his hand for the next fifteen days, it isn't.   The game isn't in the palm of his hand because he is determined to show Parvati who's the boss.  

His jealously and anger are so visible and so prevalent over what she did to him at Tribal Council tonight that he is about to go on a one man path of destruction where he just destroys himself and everyone else around him.  Kind of like he always does on Survivor.

In other words, yes.  Survivor is broken.  When Russell doesn't win, there is a flaw in the game.






Russell goes back to camp and he stews over what Parvati did to him tonight.  How dare that little bitch not report every little thing she does.  How dare she show him up like that in front of everyone.





Russell goes to Sandra and he tries to find out what she knows.




















Russell:  "I didn't know either."






Sandra:  "Oh you didn't?"






Sandra:  "Daaaaaaamn."





Russell turns over in his bed and he starts muttering to himself like Milton in Office Space.

Paranoia and jealousy are slowly starting to destroy him.  Just like they always do.

He is going to take his red Swingline stapler and he is going to burn this place to the ground.






"Secrets?  Who's keeping secrets from me?  I'll burn this whole place down."





Unable to sleep over how much anger he is feeling, Russell stomps down to the beach and he decides to have it out with Parvati.

This is a really good way to make your allies hate you, by the way.






Russell confronts Parvati on the beach






"It pisses me off that y'all didn't tell me."






"You liiiiiiiied to me."






Parvati just rolls her eyes.  How did I lie to you?  This isn't even close to the definition of a lie.





It looks like it is time for "Operation Russell and Parvati tear their own alliance apart" to go into effect.

Especially since Parvati just thinks it is funny that her Samoan boyfriend is so jealous now.






"Russell not knowing about my idol made him scared a little bit.  But that's kind of what I wanted anyways."











Meanwhile the Heroes try to regroup, and they try to decide how they are going to handle this now.

Rupert, of course, starts warning everybody again that Russell is a giant douche nozzle.  And that maybe Sandra will give them a second chance and they can try an assassination a second time.






"You were right Rupert.  Russell is a villain.  What now?"













"When they first came over, I had a chance with Sandra."






"I tried, I went to the Heroes.  I tried.   To tell them."






Sandra opened the door once.













"My only hope is to get Sandra to open the door again."






The sad reflections of a bearded guy





With the first Heroes assassination attempt on his life being unsuccessful, and his allies going around doing things he didn't approve of behind his back, Russell comes up with a new plan of action and of course it is a Russell one.  Just to show that he can, he is going to go do things behind Parvati and Danielle's back without telling them.  At this point, now we are going to play Spite Survivor.

Oh yeah, he is also going to do a wonderful job of burning yet -another- Hero juror just before he puts her on the jury.

There's a flaw in the game I tell you!






In classic Russell short term Scorched Earth style, he goes to Candice and he offers her a spot in his harem






"Hi you don't know me, but I promise I will protect you.  You can depend on me, I will take you very far."






"If you're the last hero standing you won't go at number six, I can guarantee that."






"I don't want to go so far as say final three, but it's a strong possibility."




Then of course, well, we'll get to this later, but....






Bliiiiiiindside




I love this next shot.  Russell goes to his girls and he announces that Candice is now a member of their inner circle.  

Note that he's not asking them if they should do this.  He is telling them.  "Okay here's how it's gonna be.  Candice is now with us, and you either with me or you against me."






I love the "oh shit" look that the girls exchange when he tells them this






*hissssssssss*





Russell, of course, sees this only in short term terms and doesn't seem to realize how it might hurt him in the end.







"I got an idol, and we're goin' to the final three."







"I'm Russell Hantz."







"We're going to the final three!"





As Russell works on burning yet another jury member who will wind up hating him down the road, the Heroes are over on the other side trying to put together assassination attempt number two on the Wee Leprechaun.  Sandra has accepted their apologies, and accepted their pleas for help, and now she is working on a plan to cut Russell's ding-a-ling off and get revenge a second time.







"Now that they got rid of J.T., it's the perfect time to make my move."






Sandra again explains to Colby how Russell is the spawn of Satan.  And how he needs to wash his ass.






Colby finally agrees that they are going to vote with Sandra tonight.  No ifs, ands, or buts about it.  They are in this for the long haul now.





Here's a great scene on the beach where Russell confronts Sandra and demands to know if she is flipping the vote against him.  Note that she doesn't cower when he goes into bully mode like everyone else does.  Sandra doesn't cower in front of Russell because she's not scared of him.  And also, well, because she doesn't cower in front of anyone.  Why would she be intimidated?  Why would she be scared of the guy?  She's Sandra.







Russell:  "Did Colby talk to you at all?"






(sweetly) "No, not at all.  Why?"






"And wash your ass."





Okay she didn't really say that last line.  But  the spirit is there.






Especially if I captioned it under this picture.   Dude, wash your ass.





Now Russell starts threatening her.  As he will do.







"You better not flip.  Cause we don't have five votes, we have six votes."




And her response?  Typical Sandra sass.






"No.  Hold up.  You're doin' math wrong."






Russell:  "No, I'm tellin' you, we got one person from their tribe."






"But anyway, I trust you."






Sandra just laughs at this.




And let the games begin.






"I need to flip.  Russell needs to go home."






"He needs to go home right now."





By the way, I should really point out that in Sandra's defense, I'm not even sure she's trying to win Survivor at this point.  In fact I don't think she even plays for the endgame at all.  I don't think she ever plays for the endgame, other than trying not to make enemies along the way.  At this point I believe her storyline is just a revenge tale.  It is sort of like Chris Daugherty's "Kill Bill" revenge storyline in Vanuatu, only more straightforward.  This is just like an angry housewife trying to step on the last cockroach.






"Fuck Russell.  He's done."




And just like that, it appears that Sandra and the Heroes have it all set up.  As long as Candice stays with the Heroes as she is supposed to, the Russell Hantz era of Survivor will be done forever tonight.  As it should have been last episode.  And the episode before that.  And the episode with the Tyson vote.






"This is it.  We can get Russell out of this game."






"The guy is a piece of garbage."






Sandra readies herself as she prepares for Russell's last stand.  Again.






"I'm voting for Russell, because I've been waiting to take him down for thirty days."







"Thirty days too long."






"It's time for revenge.   And this is for Courtney.  Boston Rob.  Tyson..."






"And even Coach, who I don't care about."













"But I'll stick him in there too."




But alas.  Same as before.

*sigh*

The Heroes somehow find a way to fuck it up yet again.

The Heroes are seriously turning into Charlie Brown trying to kick a football at this point.






J.T.






"Before the vote, I tried to think.  What is the stupidest possible thing I could do tonight?"





What is the stupidest possible thing Candice can do tonight?

Yep, you guessed it.

Tattle on Sandra and force her to jump back to the Villains.







Russell asks who the Heroes are going to vote for tonight












Then Candice admits that Sandra has switched sides and is voting with the Heroes tonight.






Sandra switched?  I'm a kill her.






Sandra just looks on in dismay.  *sigh*  You fucking morons.  What the hell?





Here's another great scene in the Sandra/Russell war of 2010.  

Russell gets pissed and decides to have a showdown with Sandra on the beach.

Which, of course, doesn't really work all that well since Sandra isn't scared of him.







*growling*  *stomping*  *fuming*






"Okay, we need to have a little talk Sandra."






"I'm hearing that you're gonna vote for me."






No.






"Listen Sandra.  An idol's gettin' played tonight."







"I'm not scared, motherfucker."






"Why you tryin' to threaten me?"




*sigh*  

And just like that, yet another assassination goes awry because a Hero went rogue and decided to do something dumb tonight.






"Candice went and told Russell every single thing that was said."






"And now we're screwed and now they won't trust us anymore after this."






Yet another incredible sigh of Rupert pain.  Either that or he is passing a stone.





With her back against the wall, and her hand now caught in the cookie jar, Sandra just starts openly disrespecting Russell and talking back whenever he talks to her now.  At this point now she has really stopped giving a shit.  All she wants to do is get rid of Russell.  

And she doesn't care who he is.  Russell Hantz?  Russell Hantz who?  He could be Jesus of Nazareth for all that she cares.  Right now all she wants is that Russell Hantz get that shit out of her face.






Sandra goes to Candice and she tells her how this decision will screw both of them tonight.






Hey what you all talkin' about?






"Russell can we have just a minute please?"






"It's like every time I try to do somethin', somebody is in my face."






"I can't even do nothin'.  It's crazy."





I love this next shot.  Russell slinks away in either anger or surprise because nobody has ever talked to him like that before.  Meanwhile Danielle just stares there and glares at Sandra with her arms folder.  As if she wants to challenge Sandra to a fist fight.







Well look at you.







What the hell you lookin' at, fake tits?





So the Heroes and the Villains head off to Tribal Council.  And now that Russell has identified Sandra as the enemy, he wastes no time in taking pot shots at her in front of the jury.  

Although as you can see, it kind of backfires on him.  All it really does is it will wind up making him stupid when these episodes air on TV.

These are the kind of scenes the editors will use later to completely bury him.







"Sandra's weak in challenges."






"She's easy to beat for the vote."














"Sounds like somebody I want to take with me to the end."






Uh, you sure about that, big guy?





Meanwhile, Russell continues to set the editors up to bury him later.






"We're the Villains, Jeff.   Danielle is aggressive.  I'm aggressive.  Jerri is the calm one.  Parvati is the charming one of the whole bunch."







Yay, he likes me!







Sandra:  "Yeah but what about me?  You didn't include me."







"Sandra, she's just kind of there with us."







Wow







Wow






Wow






Uh Russell, you sure you want to treat her like that?







Okay.  That's cool.  So that's the way it's gonna be.







I eat steaks bigger than you





And of course, as you know, Candice goes up to vote and she screws everything up for the Heroes again.







Hi, this is my homage to Tyson and J.T.





Which, of course, leads to the death of another of the Heroes.






Kill it with a head shot!




*sigh*

Yet again.  Another Sandra/Heroes plan has been foiled by stupidity.

Hey, but not before this.  It wouldn't be a Russell victory if he didn't do something foolish along the way.






Russell goes up and plays an idol because he knows he will get votes tonight







I'm awesome





Only, oops.  He doesn't get votes.  Turns out he wasted his hidden immunity idol tonight.













Courtney openly laughs at him about it







Even Parvati chimes in to point out that was stupid







Ooooooooh, I hates Survivor sometimes.





At this point now, the Heroes are screwed.  J.T. and Candice have now combined to completely sabotage any chance they have to get back in the game, and at this point Russell can just run the game all the way to the end.  Where he will be crushed in a jury vote.  Which, if you know anything about nature, is the Survivor Circle of Life.







"I'm a get second place against someone."





And of course at this point now, all Rupert and Colby can do on the Heroes tribe is await their inevitable fate.








"Colby and I are standing out on a sinking ship now.  There are no other heroes."







Hang on Rupert.  She's trying.







At this point, Rupert's disgust for Russell has reached an all time high.  He still can't get over the fact that Russell would lie on his kids like that.  It just totally disgusts him.







"I'm a just get new kids."






And now Rupert has joined in with Sandra on the Get Revenge against Russell game.






"I think that Russell is a deceitful person.  Anything he says is a lie."





And again, we get more Russell = Jonny Fairplay = the scumbag who will be taken down Sandra parallels.







"He could be worse than Jonny Fairplay!"







"He is."






In his own attempt to get revenge against Russell, now Rupert comes up with a plan which is very, well, un-Rupert.  Which means to say it is kind of brilliant.

Rupert doesn't often come up with maneuvers like this.







"My only hope is to show the villains that disgusting side."







"And ask them, truly, do they want to be involved in that?"





And so here we go.  

One of the most memorable scenes of Heroes vs Villains, and a scene that shows everything you need to know about why Russell is a terrible Survivor player.  If you ever want to see an example of how -not- to act towards a future Survivor juror, here you go.  This is Russell 101.

And I still can't get over the fact that he gets outwitted by Poopert of all people.







Rupert sits down at the campfire in front of everyone, and he starts criticizing Russell.







"You've already proven yourself to be a disgusting, terrible human being.  To swear on your kid's life?"

















"Well it is the game.  And you really fucked it up for yourself, Rupert."





Note:  This is what Russell means when he wants players who "respect the game."






"If you want to swear on your kid's life and call it the game, that's fine.  I'm not that liar."








"Do you think I care about how the fuck you are as a man, Rupert?"








"I don't give a fuck about you or your family."








"I don't think you give a damn about anything.  I don't think you give a damn about anybody but yourself."








"And your team should know that."







Tee hee.  Tee hee.








"Rupert, I'm a villain.  I'm here just so I can make your life hell."








"The great, powerful Rupert."








"The good guy."








"The second coming of Christ.  Rupert."





Please be sure you make note of the crazy eyes.















"You can say whatever you want.  Because it doesn't really matter anymore."







Russell laughs.  "You're such a dumbass Rupert."






Yeah.  So I don't think Rupert is going to be a particularly friendly jury vote.  Just a hunch.








"Rupert's trying to stir up stuff and make me mad."







"I'm just tellin' him, pack your stuff partner.  Pack your stuff."







"Get your tie dye ready, cause you goin' home."





At this point it is all but decided that Rupert will be the next Hero to be joining the jury.  Which is a great move for Russell, of course, because the point that you want each jury member to leave the game is when they are at their most angry with you.  I mean, that's just common sense.  You want to have as much anger towards you on the jury as is humanly possible.  These are the Survivor lessons we learned from players like Dreamz.






It doesn't even matter that Russell doesn't win immunity that night, because they all know that Rupert is going home.







I just blue myself.





With a few short hours left until Tribal Council, Rupert knows he is now facing his last stand.   These are the very last Survivor moments left for the Hero in the tie-dye.







Rupert's Last Stand





With his back against the wall, and nothing else he can do, at this point he decides to pull off the most retarded and simple Hail Mary that is humanly possible.

This is a plan that 99.999% of the time would not work on Survivor.  It wouldn't work in most cases because it is too obvious and stupid.

Yet for some reason, in the case of Rupert versus Russell in Heroes vs Villains, it does.






"Even though I don't have an idol, maybe I can play like I do."





Oh please.   There's no way that is going to work, Rupert.   Get real.  

You aren't playing against idiots here.  You are playing against All-Stars.







Rupert grabs a big fat rock






 
And he just puts it in his pocket





And yes.  This is the face of the man who outwitted Russell.







"I stuck me a rock in my pocket!"





So Rupert goes back to camp with a fucking rock in his pocket.  And needless to say, Russell's paranoia immediately takes over.







I'm a... hey what the hell is that?







Work it, girl







Aroo?






I love this next shot.  Russell just sits there and he stares at Rupert's ass.  He pulls a total Burton.







Ironically enough, this is not the first time that Rupert's ass has become a focal episode point in an episode of Survivor













And as for Russell?  Well, as usual, he is about to do something that will totally sabotage himself.

I bet the editors loved this scene, by the way.







"I have a lot of experience with idols."







"Rupert has a big bulky thing in his pocket."








"It's the idol wrapped up in the paper."







Yes, Circle of Life, my friends.   Those who live by the idol, die by the idol.





Russell goes to Sandra (who actually does have an idol in her pocket) and he voices his suspicions.








"Rupert's got the idol.  Look.  It's in his pocket."







"I know exactly how they look."







"And I know exactly how they look in a pocket."







By the way, why does Russell have his junk hanging out in this scene?  Just curious.





Sandra, of course, finds this whole subplot quite amusing.







"Russell sweeaaaaars that Rupert found the idol."








"Of course I know that's a lie because I have the freaking immunity idol."





And yes.  That means it is time for Russell to sabotage himself and turn on another future angry juror.

Way to go Russell.







"I guess we'll just split the votes and get Candice out instead."





And that's exactly what happens.  Russell blindsides an ally who he had promised a spot in the final three.

All because of Rupert.

Russell got outwitted by Rupert.






Bliiiiiiindside!







Uh, thanks Russell.  So I guess we aren't going to the final three anymore?








*smuff*








Thanks Russell.  Talk to you later.







I'm a badass.







Now that is a shit eating grin if I have ever seen one.





So anyway, yeah.  Russell is quickly amassing what could be the single angriest jury in the history of Survivor.  At this point, he is on his way to out Boston Robbing Boston Rob.  At this rate, if Russell keeps this up, the final Tribal Council of Heroes versus Villains could be one for the ages.  It is going to be spectacular.  It is going to be like the finale of Lost.

And the good news is, for us as viewers, Russell hasn't even gotten to the angriest juror yet!







Nope.  The angriest juror is about to come next.  Because for no logical reason whatsoever, Russell is about to turn on his very own harem.





It is the morning after the Candice vote (aka the Rupert outwitted Russell vote) and Russell is upset because he knows how badly he screwed up his strategy last night.








"We totally blew it."






Well that's okay Russell.  Because you didn't blow it as badly as you are about to blow it.

This next move is easily the worst thing he has done in two seasons of Survivor.

And yes, that is saying something.







"I'm not fully in control of this game now."





Ya think?







"Me and Parvati are equally in control.  And that makes me a little worried."







Wah wah







"But you know what?  I'm a take control of this game so fast, they won't even know what hit 'em."





Uh oh.  Sounds like the master of the temper tantrum is about to do something impulsive.







By the way, please note Parvati's sage advice to Russell here.  She totally warns him what the easiest way is for him to lose this game right now.








"If one of those heroes makes it to the end, none of us stand a chance.  It has to be three villains up there."







Sounds like the final three should be Russell, Danielle, and Parvati.  Right?  I mean, isn't that just common sense?  The three villains who have been working together all game should sit there in front of the jury at the end and the Heroes will be forced to choose one?  

Good idea, right?  I mean, don't you think a former winner like Parvati might actually be on to something here?







Actually, no.  Russell has a problem with this.







"Parvati and Danielle.  To me they're a team."





Well yeah, no shit.  They're part of the three person team you put together, dude.








I'm a get jealous.







"They're a team, when it's supposed to be me and Parvati."






Yeah.  And Russell likes to call -other- players butthurt.

Like irony much?








"The only thing I can think of right now is to break up that couple."





Oh.  My.  God.

Please tell me that people don't still think Russell is a good player after this.








Um Russell, what the fuck are you doing?  We're a trio.






So anyway this is Russell's new master plan.  He is going to take his powerful threesome, the threesome that is pretty much on cruise control from now until the end of the game, and he is going to break them apart.  For no apparent reason.  

He is going to go to Parvati and Danielle, his ONLY TWO ALLIES WHO WILL EVEN TALK TO HIM AT THIS POINT, and he is going to turn them against one another.

Yay!  There's a flaw in the game!








Russell goes to Danielle and he tries to get her to vote out Parvati.







"Um, why would I vote out my final three partner?  Is he a fucking idiot?"






Then he goes to Parvati and he tells her the exact same thing.








"Danielle is trying to get you out.  We should blindside her tonight."








"Um, that doesn't even make any sense, Russell."





Russell, of course, is giddy about the big bold strategic move* he is about to pull off here.

* suicide







"I'm working Danielle and I'm working Parvati.  I'm telling each of them that they need to get rid of the other one."







"By working both of them, I got both of them under control."







"Parvati's not gonna tell Danielle.  Danielle's not gonna tell Parvati.  Cause it would mess up both of their games."





Well okay.  Sure.  Except not.






"Russell, I want to ask Danielle about this.  I want to see why she would say that."







"You can't make me not ask her, Russell.   You can't just bring this up and not expect me to ask her."





And of course, you know what comes next.

When all else fails, you just fall back on the bullying.






Russell:  "You go talk to her, you are out of this game."







*sighing*  "Don't yell at me, Russell."







More Russell bullying.  He calls her an idiot.






Parvati has absolutely no idea what is going on right now.  Who the hell is this guy?







"Russell, I'm not voting Danielle tonight!"







"I don't care what you say.  I'm not doing it!"







"This is so stupid.  It should be so easy.  We just need to vote out the Heroes!"





And then?  Yes.  The understatement of the season.







"If they actually do talk, it could turn into a problem."





Well duh.  Fucking no shit, Sherlock.







Of course they talk.  Yes.  It turns into a problem.







Danielle can't even fathom why Russell would be trying to mess this up for all of them








"This is so stupid.  There are Heroes here.  We need to get out Rupert or Colby."







I love this shot.  Parvati and Danielle talking about the split in their threesome and Sandra just standing off the side, watching and listening.  Cause that's how Sandra do.





And now Russell clues us in to what his master plan is here.







"I'm gonna get Danielle off tonight.  Because it eliminates that pair."*





* aka "because it creates a really really angry juror."







"As soon as we get rid of Danielle, Parvati's gonna be so scared of me.  She's gonna stick to me like glue."







"And she's gonna vote the way I tell her to vote."





Thank you, Mister Short Sighted victory.






Oh this is the best part.  Now Russell goes to the Heroes, and he begs them to help him vote off his final three partner.







Colby just tries not to laugh.  "Uh.  Really?"






Next Russell goes to Rupert.  Same deal.  Help me vote out my trusted final three ally.




















By the way, this might be the single most underrated funny moment of the entire season.

Russell says "Danielle" and Rupert just growls "YEAH!"

Ha ha.  Kills me every time I watch it.













*growling*  "Yeah!"








Down on the beach, Danielle is horrified when she learns the vote is actually going to be directed at her tonight.  What the fuck?  This doesn't even make any sense.








Even Jerri pipes in now.  "What the hell is Russell doing?  Is he insane?"







Um I think the answer to that is yes.





At this point Russell is now just totally out of control.







"If you don't write down Danielle, you're going next."







Jerri:  "Don't threaten me."








Oh he'll threaten you all right.








"Jerri, help me help you."







My God, this guy is nuts.






Russell is quickly spiraling down into insanity and doom.  And he is taking everyone down with him.

From this point on no one in their right mind will ever want to vote Russell out of the game.  Not even Sandra.  Because from this point on he will be way too obvious of a final three goat.









There's a flaw in this person






By the way, I should point out that my esteemed colleague Murtz Jaffer recently called Cochran's flip on the Savaii tribe in South Pacific the single worst strategic move he has ever seen in 23 seasons of Survivor.

I beg to differ, Murtz.

To me, -this- move by Russell is probably the worst strategic move I have ever seen.

Especially when he badgers Danielle and makes her cry in front of the jury right before he votes her out that night.








Yes, let's berate an ally and bully her until she cries in front of everyone.  Five minutes before you put her on the jury.  Good thinking Russell.






When the girls get to Tribal Council, they let Russell have it.  They are furious with him.







"Danielle and I were pitted against each other today.  Russell did it."





Of course Russell lies and flat out throws Danielle under the bus.






"Danielle came to me and said she wanted Parvati out today."







What?








"I told her that my allegiance is to Parvati and she's not gonna break that."
















"I told her that if she went against the Villains, she had to go."















Oh my God, this isn't happening.








This shot pretty much says it all.   Look at Parvati.  She can't believe what is happening right now.





Danielle tries to defend herself, but eventually Russell's lies make her break down in tears.







Danielle:  "The three of us are in an alliance.  So I don't understand why he's doing this right now."







And then the tears come.







"I don't know.  I didn't do anything wrong."







Danielle finally breaks down







Are you done?







"Danielle, what are the tears about right now?"







"We've been in an alliance since the beginning.  I don't know why he's trying to mess with it."








"It just feels personal."





And then the single most outrageous comment of the entire episode.







Russell (calmly):  "I don't understand how she's just puttin' it all on me."







Courtney over in the jury can't help but react to that.  Are you shitting me?







What the hell?  Did he just say that?







Even Eliza reacts







Mah werd!








Danielle tries to say something to defend herself...







But Russell just cuts her off.   "Can I finish please?"







You know I'm going to stab you for this, right?







Blow me






And with that, Russell pulls off perhaps the single worst strategic move I have ever seen on Survivor.

For no reason whatsoever, for no payoff whatsoever, he backstabs his solid final three ally friend and he sends her crying to the jury.







"I'm voting for you tonight because I want the jury to hate me as much as possible.  And also, because there is a flaw in the game."





And this is the face of what you don't do to a juror.












Even Parvati is a little shaken by what Russell just did to Danielle tonight.

And Parvati doesn't get rattled very easily.














Yeah and I'm awesome







*smuff*








*hissssssssss*






From this point on, now the rest of the players in the game will all just be living with a crazy person.  And they know it.

For the next six days until the end, Parvati, Sandra, Colby, Jerri, and Rupert will all be trapped in Russell Hell.








Oh God.  If I look over I bet he's staring at me with those crazy eyes.






The five players left in the game soon meet up at night and they all compare notes.








My God, Parvati realizes, Russell is a legitimate psychopath.













Now even Parvati is coming close to breaking down.  And she is one of the most unflappable players in Survivor history.  

But even Parvati has a limit.  She just can't take any more of this guy and his bullshit anymore.







"That wasn't strategy at all.  He was just jealous that Danielle and I were close too."







That's right.  I'm Russell Hantz!






Finally we get to episode thirteen.  The day after the Danielle vote.

Hopefully things will be a lot less crazy today around camp than they were the last couple of days.

Luckily, things start well.








Hey guys, I'm back.  What's up?







Awww shit is that little fucker still here?






Ah yes.  And then we get to the next Russell tantrum.

Remember how he threw a temper tantrum because Danielle and Parvati threw a big slumber party, and Russell didn't want that extra third wheel around?

Well here comes the next Russell temper tantrum.  And this one is just as ridiculous.








Jerri wins the reward challenge in episode thirteen.  Which means she gets to take two people along with her on a reward trip.







Pick me?  Please?







I pick Parvati and Sandra!  Yay!







Yay!







I'm a kill her.








Uh oh.  Oh poopie.






You guessed it.  And then the tantrum begins.















Russell just stands there and glares at her






Jerri, of course, has been playing the game with Russell for 30+ days now.  So she knows full well what kind of retaliation she might be in for from him now.








"I'm very concerned that Russell would be so upset that I didn't take him on the reward."







"That he would take it out on me in the game."







"Which would be retarded, but it would also be Russell."







"When we get back, I know that Russell is gonna be really really mad."







"Honestly, who cares?  What can he do?  Get Colby and Rupert to vote you off?"






Why yes.  That's exactly what he could do.  Funny you should bring that up.








"Hey guys, how about you and me be the final three now?"






Uh oh, here we go.  More classic horrible spontaneous long term thinking by Russell.

Yes, Russell.  Go to the final three with two Heroes.  See how that jury vote works out for you.








Back at camp, Russell is ranting just like he always does.  Jerri is an idiot.  Jerri makes no sense.  Jerri has no business even being here.







"I hope that burger literally tastes like a million dollars to her.  Cause that was a million dollar decision."







"These girls are a bunch of unappreciative little bitches.  All of 'em."






And then?  Yes.  A spontaneous suicide pact final three deal with the two people he would never in a million years be able to beat in this jury vote.








"Now we're gonna go to the final three."







Final three






Yes Russell, good thinking here.  Make a final three pact with two people that you know you are going to betray almost immediately.  Either that, or make a final three pact with two players you could never beat in front of a jury, not in a million years.  Nicely thought out plan, Russell.  I like what you've done here.

P.S.  Best player ever, you know.

Oh yeah, and about 90 minutes later?







Russell promises Jerri she is final three.  Now they are BFFs again.







"I'm back on board with Jerri now.  I'm a control her."





Nice job again with those jury votes, Russell.   There's a flaw in the game!













In any case, the girls know that Russell isn't dumb enough to take one of the Heroes with him to the final two.  Take Colby or Rupert?  Against an all Hero jury, are you mad?  Even by Russell standards that would be unthinkable.

So at this point they just start openly defying him.  

I mean, why not?  He can't do much now.  The Villains are guaranteed to be the final four.  

What exactly is the scary and powerful Russell Hantz going to do if they all start defying him?




Note:  By the way, I should point out that Russell would have voted out Parvati at the end this episode, except she wound up winning immunity.  In other words, Russell very easily could have dumped an angry and bullied and crying Parvati onto the jury, just like he did to Danielle the episode before.  But honestly, it really didn't matter.  Well unless you were a Parvati fan.  At this point really the only suspense left in Heroes vs Villains is who is going to destroy Russell at the end in the jury vote?







Oh okay.  Here comes one of those great "the girls defy Russell" scenes that everyone remembers from this episode





Sandra goes to Rupert and she voices some grievances about her friend Russell.







"I hate Russell, Rupert.  I hate him."







"Everybody wants to go with Russell to the end because he's so bad that they'll win against him."







"That's why he's still here."





Sandra talks shit about Russell, because, well, because that's kind of what Sandra does.

And since Rupert really has nothing left to do in this game to save himself except kiss up for brownie points, he goes to Russell and he reports it.












To quote one of my favorite comedians, John Pinette, "Oh, don't do that."












Yes.   And this is where the fun begins.







Russell storms off to go have it out with Changa







Who's just, you know, layin' here.  In the hammock.







"Sandra?"








"What?"








"You with me?  Or you against me?"







*totally deadpan*  "I'm against you, Russell."

















Parvati looks over and she starts laughing at this






Russell, who is used to people cowering and backing down when he starts bullying them, can't believe it.  

Who the fuck does this little Puerto Rican bitch think she is?







"I'm just tellin' you Sandra.  You either with me, or you against me."








"If you're against me, you're goin' home next."








He just sits down in the shelter and he glares at her.








Oh shut up Russell.  Wash your ass.








Parvati just starts busting up over this again





Russell walks back to the campfire to sit down and collect himself.  

And that's when Parvati decides she is going to continue to make fun of him.







"Hey Russell, who invited Boston Rob back to the party?"







"What?"







(imitating Russell)  "Are you with me or are you against me?"







Both the girls start laughing at him.






Russell still can't figure out why they aren't scared of him right now.







Russell  "Uh, what y'all doin'?"







"Y'all bein' stupid?  I mean, you on something?"








"Are you drinkin' over there?  Cause you're bein' dumb."







More giggling






I should point out that Parvati already has immunity tonight.  And Sandra has a hidden immunity idol hidden somewhere in her bra.  So it's not like Russell can vote either one of them out tonight.

But he doesn't need to know that.

For now this is fun.







"Go ahead and keep playin' around."








Lost in giggles








"You guys are diggin' a deeper and deeper hole."













Jerri sits down for a confessional and she can't believe what she is hearing right now.







"I don't know what is going on right now.  This camp has turned into Crazy Town."








"Sandra and Parvati are pushing Russell's buttons?  Are you -kidding- me?"








"Don't get Russell riled up and against you, are you kidding me?"





But it doesn't matter.  Because now the die has been cast.







"You start aggravatin' me, goin' crazy, and I'll be gunnin' for ya.  And that's what Sandra did."







Hey Russell, I got a message for you.







Eat shit, troll.






In fact Sandra cares so little at this point that now she starts mocking Russell in front of everyone at Tribal Council.









Sandra making fun of Russell trying to bully people







"Are you with me or against me?  Cause you can go home next like Danielle."







"So if Russell asks if you're with or against him, I'm guessing you're saying I'm with you Russell."








"No, she said she was against me."
















Sandra: (sweetly)  "Was that what I said?"







Sandra:  "Oh well."







"No Jeff, she said... (doing a smug Sandra impression)... "I'm against you."















Courtney is getting a kick out of this







So is Jeff







"Well I guess that's that.  If she's against me, she's against me."








Eh, fuck it.






Rupert winds up going home at Tribal Council that night, but not before three events happen which are all important to the ending.

Important Moment #1?

Sandra's voting comments.







"I'll write your name again, and if I'm up there in the final three you'll still give me the million dollar vote."













Important Moment #2?

The fact that Russell puts yet -another- player on the jury who is going to hate his guts.

Way to go, Russell.







Bliiiiiindside!







*smuff*







*growl*







I'm awesome.






And Important Moment #3?

Well this one is just a personal favorite.  But it does become important if you watch how the jury reacts to it.

Ladies and gentlemen, if Russell and Parvati didn't realize they were up against a pro-Sandra jury going into the final three, it can only mean they were idiots.

Take a look.







Sandra stands up to play her hidden immunity idol right before the Rupert vote







"Hang on, I got it in my bra."







The jury goes absolutely bonkers over this.  A few of them are visibly cheering her.






You'd think Russell might have noticed this and, you know, not wanted to take her to the final three anymore.
















Yes, she is.  Even Parvati enjoyed that.







Changa'd







I think even Parvati would have voted for Sandra to win at this point






THE FINALE





Okay, going into the Heroes vs Villains finale, here is where we stand.  This is the summary of everything you need to know about Heroes vs Villains going into the final episode:

Russell sucks and the jury hates him.





The mood of the jury towards Russell as we head into the final episode






And of course this







And this




And don't forget this.






"These are All Stars.  But you know what, I'm a little above that."






"Like Michael Jordan is in basketball."






"Or like Michael Phelps is in swimming."






"There's always somebody that's above their sport."






"And I'm the best player that ever played this game."





So anyway, yeah.

Let the abortion of Russell Hantz's gameplay in Heroes vs Villains conclude.






This is one of my favorite parts of the finale.  Remember how Russell went into the final day of Samoa berating Natalie and calling her worthless?  And talking shit about the person who was about to destroy him in the jury vote?




Um, do you believe in deja vu?






"That was a terrible play, Sandra.  Playing that idol.  That wasn't strategic, it made you look like an idiot."












"That was a terrible play for you."





Of course Russell himself did this exact same thing about three episodes ago.  But whatever.






"Russell was mad about how we're supposed to share the idol and use it together, and how it belongs to all of us."






"He wants to micro manage the whole tribe and unfortunately I'm not the type of person you can micro manage."






"Sorry."






Russell knows that yelling at Sandra isn't going to go anywhere.  Not so much because Sandra will yell back, but more because Sandra just doesn't give a shit.  Yelling at Sandra is like yelling at toast.

And since Russell by law has to yell at somebody after something doesn't go his way on Survivor, you know who he is going to go after next.

You guessed it.

Since yelling at Sandra isn't going to go anywhere, instead he decides to yell at Parvati.







"I believe you knew about Sandra's idol, Parvati.  You're lyin' straight in my face."





Yes Russell, good idea.  Now see if you can make your other ally cry for no real reason.  After all, it sure worked out well with Danielle.






"I didn't know about it, Russell!   No one knew!"




Unfazed, Russell gets right up in her face.






"Liar!  Liar!  Liar!"





Yay!  Looks like Russell has a new mission on Survivor.

His new mission now is to make all of his allies cry.  Right before he dumps them onto the jury.

Note that at this point we really aren't even playing Survivor anymore.  At this point now we are playing "Russell shows you who's boss."

And yes, sure enough.  The tears.






"I just don't appreciate when he comes at me like that.  And I'm not even lying!"






Russell is now on the rampage to take out his only real ally







"Russell is running around stomping his feet like a little 2-year old child who got his toy taken away!"







You took my blocks.  I'm telling mom.







"That's pretty much what he's acting like.  It makes him look like a fool!"





So this is Russell's new gameplan as he gets to the end.  He wants to put as many people as he can who hate him on the jury.  And he wants to go to the end against Jerri and Sandra.

Um, why Jerri and Sandra?






"The perfect scenario for me to win is me, Sandra, and Jerri in the top three."






"Because Sandra didn't play the game at all, and Jerri didn't play the game at all."




Note:  For clarity purposes, remember that "playing the game" means "shitting on people."  Which once again proves that Russell doesn't really understand how Survivor works.

And I quote:





"If it was the three of us up there, the jury wouldn't even have a decision.  They would almost -have- to vote for me."





The plan now is to take Parvati out so Russell can have yet another angry enemy on the jury.  It's not really the most ideal strategic plan in the world, but hey it's a plan.

However Parvati throws a wrench into all of that when she winds up winning immunity.






Hi Russell.  I won immunity.  BFFs.







I'm a vote her out anyway.






Since Russell can't vote out Parvati, instead he goes back to the original plan and votes out Colby.  The last Hero.  Which, honestly, is the only strategy that really made sense here at all.







Sorry Colby.  I'm dumping you for Boston Rob.  Say hi to your mother for me.





With all the Heroes now all out of the game, that means there are just four players left.  All villains.






Final four!  All Villains!  Yay!




And of course Russell wastes no time in doing what he always does.  

He goes and he does Russell things.

First he makes a final three pact with Jerri.


















And then he blindsides her.






Bliiiiiindside!




Parvati even tries to warn him before the Jerri vote that he shouldn't do this.  Once they get down to the final four, Parvati tells Russell straight out to his face that Sandra has friends over there and that she is going to win a jury vote.  It is the most obvious observation in the world.  Sandra has friends over there and Jerri doesn't.  Simple as that.

But does Russell actually listen to this logic?

Of course not!





Russell announces he wants to take Sandra to the final three.






Parvati (amazed):  "Really?  You want her in the final three?"




She tries her best to talk him out of this.





"Okay well now let me just say something.  Before you make that decision, okay?"






"If Sandra's with us, she immediately gets Amanda, Candice, and Courtney."





Parvati makes a pretty good point.  You know, considering she is a person who has actually won Survivor before.  You'd think that Russell might want to listen to her logic.

Does he listen to it, however?






"No, I don't think so."






"I'd rather have Jerri on the jury because I'll get her vote."




I love this next exchange.






"Yeah Russell, but what if she doesn't vote for you?  What if she votes for Sandra?"






"Nah."





Parvati even tries to warn him about this scenario again.  And again it just falls on deaf ears.







"Trust me, this is a scenario that's been through my head over and over, all kinda different ways."






Russell:  "My best strategic move would be to take Sandra to the end."






Parvati:  "No.  'Cause Sandra would win."





Yes, if you are keeping track at home, this is the famous scene that will take place in every single season that Russell Hantz ever plays Survivor.   At this point, after seeing it happen in both Samoa and Heroes and Villains, and seeing it happen the exact same way both times, you know this will become a yearly tradition as predictable as Thanksgiving or Christmas.  

By this point now, this should be a scene that you look forward to in every Russell season.

And just what is this scene?






It is the scene where Russell hand picks the goat that he is going to wind up losing to





So here we go.

Just like in Samoa, Russell is about to select a very popular person to be his "goat."






Russell tells Sandra she will be safe at the final four vote






Sandra is surprised.  Why should she be safe tonight?






Russell:  "You know why everybody wants to take you to the end, right?"






Russell:  "''Cause we'll all beat you."


















"Straight up."






Sounds good, says Sandra.  Let's make it happen.   Fist bump.





And then?  Yes, just for editing purposes.  Russell gives the editors plenty of material to bury him with.






"No matter what, in any circumstances I'm keeping Sandra."






"I think she might get Courtney's vote, and that's it."













"So I'm a use Sandra for me to win a million dollars."




And then, just for good measure.





"She can't beat me!"




And now for maybe the best confessional of the entire season.

Take it away, Queen Changa.






"Russell's keeping me around because I'll never get a single vote."













"But I don't know about thaaaaaaat..."




Sorry Russell.  Game over.











Oh yeah, and about Jerri?  Well let's make sure we piss her off on the way out as well.






Russell, so we're still on for that final three deal?






Uh, what was your name again?






Bliiiiindside!






Jerry, you and Ben make shitty ice cream.  I'm a get me some Haagen Dazs instead.






Thanks.  Nice.






Hey jury, see what I did there?






Grrrr.  Rupert Smash.






Grrrr.  Colby Smash.







I like ponies, they're pretty.




Jerri, of course, is none too pleased about what Russell just did to her.













*smuff*






And with that, Russell Hantz has successfully set himself up to be completely ass raped by an angry Survivor jury.












Again.
THE FINAL DAY






Okay so here we go.

Going into the final Tribal Council, this is the jury that Russell the Jury Slayer has managed to hand pick for himself.

These are the nine people that he has decided he wants to have a say in whether he wins a million dollars or not













Yeah, I don't think it's gonna work out all that well for him.






Here we go.  The last day.  Time for the arrogant and pompous Russell Hantz - the player who is better than Survivor, the player who is the Michael Jordan of Survivor- to get his humiliating comeuppance.






"Tonight I believe I have a good shot of winning this."




Yes, of course you do, honey.






"Last season I brought two people 'cause I thought I could beat 'em.  Cause they were the weak players.  And I didn't."






"Tonight I'm bringing two people who other people don't like."






"At the end of the day, the reason Sandra's here is because she's easy to beat."











And now comes the most perfect end to the Russell Hantz Legacy that could ever be possible.

Seriously, you want to know why Sandra is such a beloved Survivor icon?  Why people who loved her in Pearl Islands loved her even more in Heroes vs. Villains?  Why, on Survivor Sucks, she is referred to as a "perfect neutral seven"?*


* inside joke, you'd have to be there to get it





Here we go.  It is time for Sandra to make the Russell Hantz Survivor Legacy come full circle.





It all starts when Parvati and Sandra are laying there, just openly disrespecting him while laying on a tarp.






Russell:  "Hey Parvati, tell me the truth.  If you would have been on the jury, would you have voted for me?"






Parvati:  "I told you.  I would have voted for Sandra."













Russell:   "I would have voted for you."






Russell:  "If you would have put me on the jury I still would have voted for you."






Parvati:  "That's nice of you."












Russell:  "But you're tellin' me you still wouldn't have voted for me?  Really?"





Parvati:  "I would have voted for Sandra."





Russell (shocked):  "Seriously?  Wow."






I love it when the cameraman pans out and then you get shots like this





Russell, of course, is a little bit hurt that his Survivor girlfriend just openly insulted him and claimed that he didn't play the best game out here.  Why, the nerve of her.  And to think, all this after he brought her flowers, after he gave her an idol, after he saved her from the vote, after he made her best friend cry, and then after he yelled at her and called her an idiot and a liar right there on the beach in front of everybody and everything.  

All that and he still wouldn't have gotten her jury vote?

Why, this little ungrateful bitch has some nerve on her.






Russell decides to cool off, so he goes for a walk





Which is a bad idea, because you don't want to leave Sandra and Parvati alone without a chaperone when there are no consequences right now.






Parvati (laughing):  "He's so full of it."






Sandra (giddy):  "We're gonna drop the bomb on him tonight!"






Sandra:  "He don't know what it's like to be up against two chicks."






Fist bump






And then with Russell still away...






... and his hat sitting right there on its perch above the campsite...






... Sandra gets an idea






"I'm a burn his hat."






Parvati hears her say this and she just loses it.





Seriously, if you ever watch this scene again, watch for the moment where Sandra announces she is going to burn the hat, and listen for Parvati's reaction.  It is -not- the playful flirty giggle she normally does for the cameras.  It is -not- the seductive cute little laugh that she does when she is flirting with a guy.  No, it is Parvati's natural deep belly laugh from the bottom of her diaphragm, and it comes out of her so forcefully that you can tell that she wasn't expecting it to.  

I mean, I know this is sort of a stretch to say this, but it almost sounds like she just had an orgasm.






For the first time ever, Parvati's real life laugh




Finally, Parvati recovers.






Parvati:  "Oh my God, do it!"






Sandra:  "So he can take his bald headed ass tonight to tribal council."




So Sandra gets up.






She takes his hat.






And she tosses it in the fire.






"That's how much game I got."






Kind of ironic that Russell's Survivor legacy begins with him burning Jaison's socks, and ends with him getting the Symbol of Russell burned.






It is the Circle of Life






Oh yeah, and this is for Boston Rob's little B hat.





Then we get the follow up confessional.

By the way, want to see the difference between Natalie White and Sandra Diaz-Twine, here you go.

Natalie is a shy southern belle who is demure, who is well mannered, who is respectful, and who is well schooled in the ways of diplomacy and getting along with people and always being a lady.  

Sandra, on the other hand, once cussed out a baby unicorn.

Russell really had no idea what he was up against here.






"Russell is obnoxious."






"So I took his hat.  And I threw it in the fire."












"I don't care."






"I should burn his sneakers."






Eh, fuck it.





When Russell comes back, he looks for his little B hat hanging on the post and he can't find it.













Huh?













"I put it right there.  What the hell?"






Sandra (helpfully):  "Maybe you already packed it."




Russell goes over to look in his bag.  

Sandra comes over to provide support.





Russell (annoyed):  "If I don't get my hat, I aint leavin'."




And then this is the capper to the scene that most people don't remember.

God bless you, editors.





Russell walks away and Sandra notices that the camera is still filming her







So she looks at us directly at home






And... Changa'd.





And with that, it is time to head off the the Final Russell Ass Raping Tribal Council.







"I don't think it's about the money tonight, I think it's about the title of Sole Survivor.  That's all Russell wants."






"And if that's what Russell wants, that's what I gotta make sure that Russell does not get."






Your legacy was nice while it lasted, Russell.





And now it is time for Russell to face the music in front of a jury.

Think Russell is good in front of a jury?  

Think again.

Just imagine Amanda in front of a jury, only if Amanda took a dump on the floor of Ponderosa right before Tribal Council.  That's Russell.






Oooooh jurors.  Y'all are so dumb.  I'm a crap on every one of you.





And with that, let the beating begin.

Um, let's just call this the single most predictable Tribal Council in Survivor history.

This isn't "bitterness", by the way.  This is just how Survivor works.  This is justice.






"Russell, you suck!"













"Yeah, you kinda suck."







"I wrote a letter about how much you suck."














"Hey idiot, you're not going to get any votes."







"But I thought we determined I'm awesome."






"Russell, you suck."






"Um, how about we do it this way?  Explain to me why you don't suck."






Grrrrrrrr














(in mocking singsong)  "Nyah nyah.  I'm not going to vote for you."















hissssssssssssssss






Fun quiz, kids!  Guess which one is about to get zero votes!






Answer:  This guy





I know I'm making fun of the ending of Heroes vs. Villains.  Just like I have been making fun of Russell for the entire entry.  For that, and for everything else I have said so far, I don't really feel bad.  

For the most part, I feel like the crap I have been dealing out towards Russell in this entry has been warranted.  He really did play an abortion of a season in Heroes vs Villains.  It was maybe one of the worst games in Survivor history.  And from day one my goal was for this entry to reflect that.  

I will never understand why anyone believes Russell Hantz deserved to wins Heroes vs Villains.  I will never understand why anyone believes he should have come -close- to winning Heroes vs Villains.  There is no way that anyone should feel that way anymore after they get done with this entry.  Russell should have been destroyed in the jury vote in Heroes vs Villains, just like he was.   Like I said before, his game was a total abortion.






*breaks down*  *slits wrists*  *dies*





However.

Even I feel bad about some of the stuff that Russell had to go through towards the end of Heroes vs Villains.  And if you are looking for the #1 moment that even I feel is hard to watch, here we go.  We are just about there.

This is the part of The Fall of the Russell Hantz Legacy that is hard to watch.







Even I feel bad when Russell has to sit there on live TV during the final vote reveal






This might be the single most awkward thing that has ever been shown on Survivor.   And that doesn't involve Rudy.












And the winner... Sandra!






Poor Russell even has to go over to his mortal enemy and give her a hug












Winner winner Outback Steakhouse dinner





And with that... we come to a very fitting end... to one of the most memorable seasons.






A season that was all about Stephenie




















P.S.  Yep, you guessed it.  I have postscripts up the butt for this entry.  Get ready for a lot of them.





P.S. #1:  The smartest Survivor analyst I have ever known in my life was a girl by the name of Isabella over at Survivor Sucks (at Sucks she went by the name Energia del Sol.)  Some of you might know of her already, I tend to talk about her a lot.  She helped me out with the strategy and the character details in my All-Star stories.

Anyway, one of the beliefs about Survivor that Isabella always held, which is one that I happen to agree with, is that the absolute worst place you can ever finish in a Survivor season is "the guy who loses the jury vote."  That's it, hands down.  There is no place you can finish in a season that is a bigger bummer than that one.  She always called the guy who loses the jury vote "the position of shame."

And you might ask yourself, well why?  Why is it so horrible to lose a jury vote on Survivor, compared to being voted out first?  Or being voted out as the last guy right before the jury vote?  Or being nailed at the merge?  Why is losing the jury vote itself so inherently horrible?

The reason, Isabella explained, is that if you lose a jury vote, there is no logical way you can argue that you should have won.

Now remember, this isn't specific to Russell.  This is something that Isabella and I talked a lot about, maybe seven or eight years ago.  About how horrible it would be to get all the way to the end, and then lose the jury vote.  I mean, just think about it.  If you think you know Survivor, if you think you really know how the game works, if you think you know all the intricacies and social politics that make up the way it goes down, just imagine how terrible it would be to get to the end and then not get a single jury vote.  What would that say about you as a player, if the jury completely shut you out?  How would there be any logical way you could possibly defend yourself?

The way Isabella always phrased it was this.  If I got to the final three (like Rob Cesternino) and they voted me out because I was too big of a jury threat, it would suck.  But it would be because they were scared of me.  So oh well, I lose but at least I can argue that I might have possibly won.  If I get voted out when the tribes merge (like Gretchen), and they take me out because I am too big of a threat, same deal.  Yeah I lost, but I can always say "yeah if I got to the end, I might have won."  And then if you get voted out first (like Peter Harkey), well in that case it would suck, but at least you can argue that you just wound up on the wrong side of the numbers.  Or that you just didn't fit in with the particular tribe dynamic.  So yeah it would suck to be first, but you can always shrug your shoulders and just say it was luck.

But losing the jury vote, Isabella would say?  Well that just means you sucked.  There is -no- logical argument you can make at that point that you lost because of luck or because you were too much of a threat.  The only explanation you can make for why somebody beat you in a jury vote is because somebody else was better than you.  That's it, hands down, and that's the way that Survivor has always been.

Does this apply to Russell and the legion of "Russell got screwed" devotees?  Of course it does.  Russell made the finals twice and he only got 2 out of 18 possible jury votes.  Why don't we just do the math at this point.  Russell didn't get screwed.  

Oh yeah, and of course Isabella played in two Survivor ORG games with me over the years, and naturally both times she got to the end and she lost the jury vote.  Sorry but that's just funny.  I love that God loves irony.






P.S. #2:   Earlier in the entry I compared Heroes vs Villains to Vanuatu, where out of all the Survivor seasons, I called them the two best revenge stories of all time.  And it's true.  If you look at Vanuatu, that season is basically Kill Bill.  Chris Daugherty gets mad that the girls vote out the men, and particularly that they voted out his best buddy Sarge.  And then he just goes on a one man crusade to get back at them.  And then it ends of course when he lops off O-Ren Twila's head with a sword in the snow.  It is a the perfect revenge tale.

Now Heroes vs. Villains, well that my friends is a whole different beast.  This is the story of Sandra's revenge against Russell.  Russell takes out all of her friends.  He pushes her around.  He calls her worthless.  He writes her off as powerless.  And then she wins anyway when he makes mistake after mistake down the stretch, and basically costs himself the game while she stands there and laughs at him.  Is that the greatest revenge story in the world?  Is that as poignant or as awesome a storyline as Kill Bill?  Of course not.  But the way it happened in Heroes vs Villains, with all the mockery, it sure was funnier.

I guess what I am trying to say here is that Vanuatu is Kill Bill.  It is the greatest revenge story in Survivor history.

Meanwhile, Heroes vs Villains is the movie A Nightmare on Elm Street.  The only difference is that in -this- version of A Nightmare on Elm Street, Nancy doesn't kill Freddy at the end.  In this version, he spends the whole movie taunting and mocking her, and then two minutes before the end of the movie he is cleaning his glove and he accidentally vivisects himself.  

Okay, maybe not the best revenge story in the world.  But it sure is number two on the Funny 115 worthy.  :)






I'm a get me a new hat







P.S. #3:   Since we're speaking of horror movies, have you ever seen the trailers for the original Friday the 13th movies?  I mean, the actual trailers they showed to advertise the movies back in the early 80's?  Here is an example of one if you want to see what they looked like.

The way they used to advertise the Friday the 13th movies was funny.  Instead of hyping the killer or the storyline, instead they would just count off all the people in the movie who were going to die.  They would just reel off a montage of every person who was going to die in the movie, and then after each clip there would be a number counting off which number victim they were.  And then the audience would cheer after each number because the only reason you went to an early Friday the 13th movie was to see what kind of a body count the movie could rack up.

Why do I bring up old Friday the 13th movie trailers in an entry about Russell?

Easy.  If you wanted to make the greatest Survivor video of all time, just make a parody of an old Friday the 13th trailer, except do it for any Russell season.  Make a trailer for Samoa or Heroes vs Villains, use the Friday the 13th music, and show all the jurors that Russell is going to abuse, insult, trash, or just flat out shit on.  And then after he ass-rapes each person, show them looking angry in the jury and flash what number angry juror they were.  And then the audience can cheer after each number because this is the only way Russell knows how to play Survivor.

Okay video nerds, it is up to you.  Ball's in your court.  Go out and somebody make this video and post it on Youtube.  Sorry, I would do it myself except I'm old and I don't understand how technology works.






Me





P.S. #4:  A few days ago on Survivor Sucks they were talking about this entry.  And a user named wolfytheblack wrote the following post.  I know, it's kind of mean, but I dare you not to laugh at it.


"I just want to point out that one of the things that Russell is supposedly good at, that of being the hidden immunity idol master, is also something he's actually pretty bad at.  Finding them?  Sure, he's like a truffle hunting pig, but now other people have done it without clues so it's not even that special anymore.  But as for actually playing the idols?  Terrible."


Thank you Wolfy.  You had me at "truffle hunting pig."






P.S. #5:  Here is a great comment from a user at Sucks named dabu.  This one is about Sandra.


"Sandra's absolutely flawless. She's always the star when she's on screen and she knows it. She just knows how to naturally bring gold every time. What's great about her as a character is that she's probably the most unlikely person ever to be the only two-time winner and to have the most flawless record in Survivor history. She's this loud-mouthed Hispanic mother who cusses the shit out of every snake-ass motherfucker she sees, her first confessional is dropping an S-bomb, and she's virtually useless at anything that requires movement.. and she won twice. Seriously, who the hell would have predicted after the first episode of Pearl Islands "That Sandra lady is going to be the best player ever"? Nobody."






P.S.  #6:  Anyone remember the big fight between Russell and Sandra at the reunion show, and the hilarious image of Parvati sitting in the middle, trying to separate them?  If you don't remember that image, here you go.  I love that Russell and Sandra legitimately don't seem to like one another.  





The most awkward reunion show seating since the time they made Sue Hawk sit on Richard Hatch's lap





And let the fight begin






More fighting





Parvati trying to step in and get them to go back to their corners





Poor Parvati






P.S. #7:  By the way, speaking of "Sandra and Russell doesn't like each other in real life," check out this hilarious quote from Jerri in one of her postgame interviews.


Question:  It was discussed at last night’s reunion, but who do you think is the best Survivor player ever?
Jerri:  Oh wow. I have to say, I gotta give props to Parvati. I really do. That’s why I voted for her. She is probably one of the best social players, even though her flirtations are so blatant and out in the open and so sickening. I was so amazed at how it worked. I want to be friends with her for a long time because I want to learn her mojo. She played such a great strategic, physical, and mental game. Underneath it all, though, I am super happy that Sandra won if only because Russell absolutely hates her. It was poetic justice.
 




P.S. #8:  Since I love Survivor Sucks so much, here are a bunch of other posts from people at Sucks who had something they wanted me to comment on in the Fall of Russell entry.


from a guy named Otto:  "I love the claims that Russell would win if he had a better social game.  Well yeah and Gary Coleman would be good at basketball if he wasn't three feet tall.  If Stephen Hawking wasn't paralyzed he would be an excellent violin player.  There are certain realities you have to factor in when it comes to assessing things."


from dabu:  "Russell contradicts himself so much. "I respect the game too much, but the second half of the game is a flaw and I don't understand or care about how it works." Ugh. Such a s-head."

 
from aboutbreakingtherules:  "Rupert's fake idol in the pocket was the absolute worst bluff job I've ever seen on Survivor!  (Yes, even worse than "fucking stick," and I wouldn't rule out the possibility of even Jason smelling something funny on that one sooner or later.)  The fact that Russell fell for it hook, line, and sinker, combined with his scorched-earth playing style, would instantly put the lie to any claims of him being the best Survivor player.  How in the world does one player manage to make every single member of the jury, foe and ally, Hero and Villain alike, loathe his guts?"


from a guy named Adam:   "One of my favorite bits from that storyline is that Russell is again in the complete power position to choose who he wants to sit next to him in the Final 3.  He's dead set on taking Sandra cause there is no wayyyyy she can win again. And poor Parvati, she knows Sandra has it in the bag.  She keeps trying to tell him that Sandra will win no matter if its him/Parv/Sandra or him/Jerri/Sandra.  She even goes on to list all the people who are guaranteed to vote for Sandra in the end.  Russell couldn't even entertain the thought that Sandra might be a threat."


another one from aboutbreakingtherules:
"In most respects, The Fall of Russell Hantz 2.0 exceeds its Samoa counterpart many times over. While he got exactly what he deserved and he richly deserved that ass-kicking he got, the Galu jurors actually let him off really easy. Even his own alliance was downright subtle in assessing his scorched-earth playing style. What you saw with the Samoa jury was basically a crowd of snobby prep-school choirboys.

Starting around that time, seasons would film a week or so apart.  Russell would be filming the next season while editing was still in progress for his first!  He would go in with an advantage absolutely no other Survivor has ever received.

In Heroes vs Villains, now he was going to be playing with battle-hardened inner-city street thugs. The big boys. Yeah, he might still be able to blindside them, but these guys would have absolutely no problem ripping his cock out of its socket.  He was about to run headfirst into a speeding truck.

You remember when Rupert showed up at Tribal Council carrying his own phony immunity idol? Absolute worst bluff job I've ever seen!  And incredibly, Russell fell for it hook, line, and sinker! The big dummy pulled the wool over the puppetmaster's eyes without breaking a sweat!  And you have to include, "You're such a dumbass, Rupert."  He actually had the gall to insult the big guy-- to his face!  Did he have any idea just how dumb that was?

Russell's downfall reached its conclusion on live television.  He was blindsided in front of a live studio audience!  What happened to Randy Bailey and Jason Siska doesn't have anything on this one, folks.  And while Natalie White was a model of diplomacy and nuance, Sandra had absolutely no problem laying into him.  Neither did the other players."








P.S. #9:  Again, I know I already pointed this out in the entry, but it needs to be pointed out again because it's important.  Isn't it amazing that Sandra has played Survivor twice, and both times she has been teamed up with one of the scummiest dirtbags to ever play Survivor?  I mean, come on.  First Fairplay, and now Russell?  And both times her entire storyline is that she just sits there and bounces insults off of them before she humiliates them and beats them?  How is it possible to have a better Survivor legacy than that?

Seriously, I love Sandra, but she has got to be the luckiest person ever to have been on TV.  And this has nothing to do with gameplay.  I'm not saying "she wins because she is lucky."  I am saying her storylines are awesome because the casting was lucky.  How on Earth do you only play twice, yet the first time you get to humiliate Fairplay, and the second time you get to humiliate Russell?  

How is it possible to have a better Survivor legacy than that??





Sandra exists solely to thwart douchebags.










P.S. #10:   Remember how I said that Sandra is hilarious because she will give people like Russell and Jonny Fairplay shit?  Well check out this little exchange from Facebook a few months ago.  A reader named Sam Paxton passed it along and there is no way you can read it and not laugh.  This is so 100% Sandra.







 





P.S. #11:  Hey here's another great Jerri postgame quote.  Take note, America.  She is calling you out.


     
Jerri:  "At the final Tribal Council, what I was looking for was some sense of humility. Some sense of gratitude. Maybe some apologies. Just something that would show me that who Russell is in the game maybe isn't who he is in person and he was grateful that we had all played this amazing game with him. Just some sense of him being humble and I could not have been more disappointed. He came at all of us, including me, and basically said "I didn't need any of you, I was in control of all of you, luck had nothing to do with my game," he went on and on and on, just shooting himself in the foot. I was floored and extremely disappointed. He just screwed himself out of a million bucks. The sad thing is that he has learned nothing from the experience and I think last night at the reunion show he really showed us all that. The fact that America still awarded him Fan Favorite is beyond me. I wish he had just been a human being."





 
 
P.S. #12:  Here is a great quote from a reader named Ben Powell:


"The best bit about the intro is the shot of Russell flailing around trying to get the ball on the slip n slide, only it's just out of reach - symbolism ftw"













P.S. #13:  Oh now this is a good one.   Want to see something that is really damaging to the argument of "Russell should have won Survivor"?  Well check out this comment from a user at Sucks named Salarakas.  This is something that makes Russell look really, really, really bad at Survivor, and it is no surprise that the CBS editors tried to bury it.

From Salarakas:


"One of my favourite things in the fall of Russell pt 2 is something that they never aired.

As seen on this insider clip, because Russell asked him, Coach gave him a cross necklace to solidify their bond.  They are both devout Christians, so what better way to make sure that Coach and Russell are golden till the end?

After openly wearing the cross until it was time to cut Coach's throat, what does Russell do with this very same cross?  Why, of course he uses it to strike a final three deal with Rupert and Colby. If you look closely, you can see that Rupert has the cross in his hand when the two of them shake hands.

I guess swearing on the cross would have been too much for the viewers so that's why CBS tried to bury it. Must have been good times at Ponderosa when Rupert of all people showed up with the necklace and he explained to Coach how he got it.  Yet another great move by Russell to get more jury votes."









P.S. #14:  And finally... you know I couldn't resist.

Here is the scene from the reunion show where Russell flat out admits that he doesn't understand how Survivor works.  And then he goes on to say that he doesn't even care.   Really, I could have saved myself a lot of time by not writing this entry and by just linking to this clip from the reunion show.  Russell basically makes my argument for me that a player like him has no business ever winning Survivor, and never will.

Here it is, in his very own words!







"America should get to vote, Jeff.  They should get a percentage of the vote."






"Yeah but... that's not the game.  The players decide who wins this game."






"At the end of the day, Jeff, Parvati should have won."






"Wait a minute, that's a different game.  That's called Russell decides who wins Survivor."













"I have a question for you, Russell.   When you're playing this game, are you aware of jury votes?"






"I don't care about that."






(angrily)  "I play as hard as I can."






"Russell stop.  Hang on.  Take a deep breath with me."






"Are you aware during the game, like when you get into an argument with Rupert, that's that vicious, that you're not going to get his vote?"






"When you betray Jerri.  Probably not gonna get her vote."






"Are you thinking of that?  Or do you think, well that's two votes but I've got others."







"Are you aware of the jury?  This is a fundamental question."







"Do you think about the fact that the social game is something you're missing."







"I don't care about that fact!"







"I play the game as hard as I can.  I do what I have to do.  I do what I can do."  






"And you know what?  I make it to the end every time."





And so there you have it.  In his own words.  Russell doesn't care how Survivor works.  Nor is he even playing to win.

Which just goes back to the argument I have been making all along.

Clearly there is a flaw in Survivor.











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