2. The Fall of Russell Hantz - Part 2 (page 1 of 3)

The Funny 115 - version 2.0

#2. The Fall of Russell Hantz - Part 2 (page 1 of 3)
Heroes vs Villains - all 14 glorious episodes

Russell: I'm Russell Hantz! I'm the greatest! I'm Russell Hantz!
Russell: I'm Russell Hantz! I'm the greatest! I'm Russell Hantz!
Russell: I'm Russell Hantz! I'm the greatest! I'm Russell Hantz!
Sandra: Motherfucker.
Jury: Sandra wins.
Russell: Hey, what's the big idea?
Survivor: lol

Ah yes. It is time for the entry that nearly everybody has been waiting for. It is time for The Fall of Russell Hantz, Part 2. Or, as the kids call it on the streets, the way funnier one.

By the way, I couldn't decide how I wanted to open this entry. I either wanted to start it the way I did above, or this way below. You decide which one you prefer.

I'm Russell Hantz!

Fuck Russell Hantz!

Okay before we get to this entry let me add one quick disclaimer. This is going to be obvious to anyone who has read the Funny 115 before, but I suppose I better announce it right here in case any new readers stumble upon this page and didn't already know this.

Here are the facts. Sandra is by far my all time favorite female player. I loved her in Pearl Islands, I loved her in Heroes vs Villains, she was by far one of my favorite characters on the original Funny 115, and it has been breaking my heart that I haven't had a chance to use her very often on Version 2.0. I mean, look at it this way. Imagine there was a third Funny 115, and I had to go 113 entries not being able to make fun of Coach. That's how much it has pained me not to be able to use Sandra on Version 2.0 so far.

America's Sweetheart

So anyway, Sandra is one of my favorite players. And Russell Hantz is, well, not one of my favorite players. So when this storyline fell into my lap, it was sort of like a gift from the heavens.

With that in mind, let the Fall of Russell begin. And beware.

I am about to get positively giddy with this one.

It is episode one of Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains. And the new bad boy on the block is returning to his throne.

What is the new King of Survivor's name?

"My name is Russell Hantz."

Russell Hantz is coming back to dominate the game that he ~~didn't win because he sucks at Survivor~~ destroyed the first time around. And this time around he is going to bring out the big guns. This time around he isn't just going to burn Jaison's socks in the fire.

Russell hurts people. Russell burns shit.

This time around he is going to burn and destroy everyone.

So Russell comes back at the start of Heroes vs. Villains, and right away he jumps into the game, guns a-blazin'.

Never mind that none of the other players have any idea who this new little guy in the hat is. Never mind that he has this huge advantage because none of the other players have ever seen him before, and nobody has any idea how he plays or how you can't trust a word that he says. Nope. Russell has this enormous advantage over every other player at the start of the game. And he wastes no time in jumping in and proclaiming his dominance.

Russell steps onto the beach and sees all the great players he is going to dominate

Wow. Look at all the All-Stars plus Amanda.

And this is where he starts the endless repetition of Russell cliches.

"Finally I can play the game with somebody who respects the game."

Note: For purposes of this entry, please note that "people who respect the game" is Russell-speak for "People who don't understand how Survivor works like me." We will need to keep that in mind. Especially because he is going to repeat this mantra at least 42,000 more times over the next two years.

You can see that even Jerri is a little surprised by this little troll's cockiness on the beach. Who the hell is this guy?

Well here is who the hell this guy is.

He is a guy who is bigger than the game. Like a god.

Sort of like John Lennon or the Pope or Jesus. Only better.

"These are All Stars. But you know what, I'm a little above that."

"Like Michael Jordan is in basketball."

"Or like Michael Phelps is in swimming."

"There's always somebody that's above their sport."

"And I'm the best player that ever played this game."

"Now guess what, I get to prove it."

So anyway, yes. Russell is here. And Russell is awesome. He is sort of like the penicillin vaccine, sliced bread, and the iPhone, only if they had all been invented simultaneously by a talking unicorn.

"If I could whoop these All-Stars, doesn't that mean I'm the best ever?"

"I'm gonna play similar to same game"

"I'm gonna use the miiiiiind game"

Russell Hantz may be the single best strand of DNA to ever be produced from a zygote

So anyway, yeah. There is Russell. Survivor legend. Survivor god. The single greatest player* who will ever exist in all 62 seasons of Survivor.

* who has never won

Russell jumps into Heroes vs Villains feet first, and he starts down the exact same path of destruction that ~~didn't work at all~~ worked so well for him before. He starts the exact same crash and burn storyline that ~~didn't actually work~~ won him a million dollars so spectacularly the first time.

I'm a hurt people

I'm a beeline for the youngest cutest girls and make them conflicting endgame promises

Russell with his ally Parvati, who is clearly at least 6'5".

I'm a smile at the pretty girls

I'm a squeeze those

I'm a bury the tribe's machete

Right off the bat, Russell is able to do everything that he has done before, and he does it without opposition. Since nobody has any idea who the hell he is, or how he plays, he is able to walk all over them.

Well actually, no. That's not quite true.

There is one player that Russell will -not- be able to walk all over, and you know who she is.

Here's a hint. She can get loud too, what the fuck.

Yes. There will be one person to stand up to Russell as he sets down his path of destruction.

One person who has not only won the game before (unlike Russell), but one who already -has- a well established history of dealing with and taking down little loud douchebags.

Remember this?

You see, a lot of people forget this, but Sandra has already taken down Russell before. Yep. Heroes vs Villains wasn't the first time she did it.

She took down Russell six years before, when he was taller and his name was Jonny Fairplay.

The original Russell

Sandra didn't take his shit last time either. She has a history of this.

The Sandra vs Russell feud won't show up for a few episodes, but just remember it. Because if there is one thing I want you to take away from this entry, I want you to remember this. Remember that Sandra has done this before. Sandra Diaz-Twine exists solely for the purposes of taking down and humiliating bad guys.

So Russell's a bad ass. I don't care.

I want you, bitch

Oh yeah, if there is one -other- thing I want you to take away from this entry, also remember this. Remember how I said earlier that Russell had a huge advantage going into Heroes vs. Villains because nobody knew who he was? Well Sandra also had an advantage, only her advantage was over Russell.

You know now Russell is the self proclaimed "biggest fan of Survivor" and "had so much respect for the game" and "only wanted to play against people who knew what they were doing"?

Well Russell had never watched Pearl Islands before. In fact he had never watched most Survivor seasons before playing Samoa. I don't think he had any idea who Sandra was, how she played, or even that she was a former winner at first.

In other words, Sandra had a huge advantage over Russell going into Heroes vs. Villains. And he had no one to blame but himself.

He doesn't know me! He doesn't know how I win! I can do the exact same thing again! Woo hoo!

Okay more on Sandra vs. Russell later. For now, let's just watch how Russell storms like a bull in a china shop through yet another season of Survivor.

Russell and his harem prepare to take over the Villains tribe

He starts by developing an unhealthy fascination with Boston Rob.

I'm a watch him.

I'm a spy on him.

He isn't young with tits. I'm a kill him.

And thus the great game of Boston Rob Gangbang '10 begins.

"Rob, he thinks he's the boss of the camp. He thinks he's in control."

"But this is my mountain. I'm still the king of the hill."

And so on and so on. You've heard it before.

"Survivor is my palace, so I'm still the king until I'm dethroned."

"And you know what? That aint gonna happen."

There seems to be a theme this season. I hear Russell is really good at Survivor.

Russell? Comments?

"Boston Rob thinks he's in charge, but he's not in charge. I'm in charge."

"I am KING RUSSELL from Samoa."

Oops. Sorry, I got a little ahead of myself. Hang on, we'll get to that later.

So Russell decides he is going to square off against Boston Rob, and he does so by gathering his three troops against Rob's six troops. Yes, three against six. In military parlance, this tactic is referred to as "Custer's Last Stand."

I'm a flank him

Wait. First we get to hear about how awesome Russell is again.

"Rob thinks he's the boss of the camp."

"Like, that's my daddy."

"Well -I'm- the daddy around here."

"He don't know who he's messin' with."

"-Nobody- knows who they're messing with around here."

"It's Russell Hantz."

And we end, of course,... with crazy eyes

And thus the assault on Boston Rob begins.

"Rob thinks he's runnin the show."

"He wants to play rough, I can play rough."

King Russell can get rid of the machete

Russell buries the machete

"This is gonna be wonderful cause it's not just gonna be the machete."

"Ol' Boston Rob likes that hat, don't he?"

Uh yes. Yes he does.

"I think he'll go nuts without his little B hat."

Yes. Yes he would.

Artist's rendition of Rob if he lost his little B hat.

Muhahaha

And this is where it finally comes to a head. Boston Rob vs. Russell.

It is episode four, and the Villains Tribe gets a clue that there is a hidden idol nearby.

Needless to say, Russell pops a boner over this

Rob reads the clue out loud, and of course since idols are a good way to tear your tribe apart early in the game, Sandra proposes a suggestion about it.

"An immunity idol is hidden at your camp."

Sandra's idea

"If you get it, we're gonna write your name down and force you to use it."

"Also, I don't know your name, but fuck you."

And so it is decided. In the interest of tribe unanimity, the Villains are not going to look for the hidden immunity idol. In the interest of everyone being friends, and the tribe being unified for as long as they can, no one is going to divide the tribe apart by going to find it. It is a good plan.

Well okay, except for the one guy on the Villains who doesn't really care about having a social game at all.

Honey badger don't care

"These people are too dumb to even walk down the beach."

"This is a bunch of idiots out here!"

Right there in front of everyone, Russell announces he is going for a walk.

Um, really?

Rob's no dummy. "The question is, is he really goin' for a walk or is he goin' lookin' for the idol?"

Since Sandra is well known for her ability to spy on people and catch people doing douche things, Rob calls her onto the case. He summons his professional attack dog.

"Okay lemme go do this thing."

Like the great Aristotle, or the magnificent Plato, Sandra has a colorful and philosophical way of phrasing things.

Way to go, mister social game.

Yes. Yes it is.

Motherfucker, it's him

And right then and there, Sandra finally decides what she thinks of him.

Guilty

Sandra goes back to camp, and she reports what she saw. And now Russell has immediately cemented six people to vote against him. Just like that. In one fell swoop, no one will ever like him or trust him or respect him the entire rest of the game.

In fact he probably lost the jury vote right here.

"That's what we said. We said if you go for it then you're sealing your own fate."

"Russell's a bonehead. He's like the hobbit, on crack."

I'm a find Rivendell

"The safest thing to do with someone like that is to just get rid of 'em. Right away."

Now in a perfect world, Russell's Survivor legacy should end right here. In 99% of cases where someone did something like this on day 12, their Survivor experience would be cut short very suddenly. It would end swiftly and violently and decisively, just like it should.

But no. Not for Russell. You see, Russell is going to be even -more- blatant about what he is doing at this point.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what you call "respecting the game."

What's the best thing to do when everybody else on the tribe is working together and trying to form social bonds they will need down the road?

That's easy. Just walk right past them and go blatantly look for the immunity idol

I'm a shit on you all

I'm awesome

Oh great. The shit eating grin. Hang on to your seatbelts, here we go again.

So anyway, Russell now has a bunch of people really pissed off at him.

Want to see what a great social player does next?

Easy. He goes up to someone who has actually won Survivor before, and he starts talking down to her.

"Just grab onto my coattails, girl."

"Yes you do. You will. You'll ride these. You're gonna be okay."

Oh Russell, you're cute.

To get a fourth vote, he decides to play into Coach's delusional bullshit and play dragon slayer with him.

Coach, I saw a dragon. Want to help me kill it? I heard there is a patent of nobility in it for you.

My liege

Okay so we're four votes now, and we're gonna beat five. Nicely planned.

Oops. Guess it is time for a little more Russell bragging.

"Coach bows down before me. He was the one kneelin' to -me-. And I knight him."

"As the king that I am."

"I knight the Dragonslayer, to be part of my kingdom."

And again, just for good measure.

"I don't think Rob knows who he's deeeeealllin' with."

"I don't care how strong he is, I don't care who he is."

"He's threatening Russell Hantz and when you do that you go."

Tee hee

And now we come to the biggie. Episode six. The Rob versus Russell showdown.

Perhaps the single most epic showdown in Survivor history,

Also notable for having the single stupidest decision in Survivor history, which we will get to in a minute.

Episode 6. Rob makes a very prescient quote at the start of it.

"Russell's gonna find out soon enough that he's out of his league".

"He's not playing with the amateurs anymore, he's playing with the big boys now."

The Villains finally go to Tribal Council in episode six, and Rob and Russell both know the showdown is coming tonight.

Russell goes off to gather his, uh, three troops. And Rob goes off to gather his six. It turns out that Coach is back on Rob's side because Rob promised to sharpen him tonight.

Sharpening?

Rob with his right hand man, assistant coach Tyson. They go over their plan for the vote tonight.

Rob explains that they should split their votes 3-3. Just in case Russell has the idol. This is a flawless plan and there is no way it should ever not work.

Again, he goes over the plan. All we have to do is split 3-3. You three vote for Russell. You three vote for Parvati.

"This is fucking basic first grade math. If we split 3-3 there is no way it could ever not work."

Confused

"Do you understand, you can't lose. We can't lose that way."

"Me, you and Tyson, we vote for Russell."

"So I vote for Coach?"

"No, you vote Russell! Russell!"

"Yeah but if I don't vote Russell, who do I vote for? Do I vote for Probst?"

Right up until Tribal Council, Tyson is on board with the plan. He knows he is supposed to vote for Russell. Everyone knows it. This is the fucking Dick and Jane of basic Survivor decisions.

"Rob, myself, Sandra., we're voting for Russell. It's not rocket science."

And thus this is how Russell's Survivor legacy should have ended. They should have split the votes 3-3 and Russell goes home. And then we would never again have to hear how he is the greatest Survivor player.

How episode six should have ended

*smuff*

But alas. No.

Seriously, fuck you Tyson.

Tyson decides to wing it and he changes his vote to Parvati

Russell gives his idol to Parvati. Parvati plays the idol. And Tyson, you're a dumbass.

Huh

*sigh*

And just like that, Tyson Apostol has managed to vote himself right out of the game.

*smuff*

Why am I always on the buffoon tribe?

I'm awesome.

Yeah yeah I know. In the episode they say that Russell planted a "Russell Seed" in Tyson's head, and that that got Tyson to switch his vote. But that's complete B.S. Remember, the episodes also claim that Russell impregnated Helen of Troy and started the Trojan War.

If you'd like to know how badly the producers fudged this to make it look like Russell had anything to do with it, go read Tyson's post game interviews. In fact I will just cut and paste the relevant sections myself. Tyson thought he was being tricky and he essentially voted himself out.

Question: I know you've been talking to reporters all morning and I know you've been getting this question, so I hope you have a good answer... Dude, what were you thinking?
Tyson: [laughs.] OK. So on my way to Tribal Council, this is what I thought: Danielle, Parvati and Russell know that we're splitting the votes 3-3 and I know they're voting for me. But I want Parvati gone, so I'm willing to take the risk, because I was thinking that if Parvati and Danielle are smart enough, they'll vote for Russell just to save themselves, which seems like it would be a smart play. But I guess now, looking back, too smart. I would think that if you pit 'em against each other, you would think that the one side would be like, "OK. I'll vote him out." So that's what I was thinking. I was like, "But I want Parvati gone more, because I feel like she's a bigger threat right now, so I'm going swap my vote from Russell to Parvati and regardless of if Parvati votes Russell or not, she'll be the one going home." I knew Russell had the Idol and I knew that there was a chance that he could give it to her, but you wouldn't think that that would happen. I mean, I shouldn't have taken the risk, because I didn't need to, but you know... What happened happened. It was kinda like the stars aligned for everybody but me.

Question: When would you say you finally made up your mind to do the vote your own way?
Tyson: You know, the whole way to Tribal Council, I was just thinking about it. It just occurred to me like, "Parvati and Danielle could vote for Russell and then he'd be gone." But I know he has the Idol, which I want in my hands. And I know that if I get Parvati out, Russell will be my puppy dog and so I was like, "OK. It's a risk, but if it works out, it's going to put me in a super-powerful position." And so I contemplated and I kept going back and forth and then on my way up to vote, I was just like, "Do or Die. Gotta make a decision." So I just went with that. Really, I think Russell knew he was going home and I think it didn't matter to him whether he went home this week or next, but he knew that the numbers were so stacked against him that he couldn't win. Really, I think he was giving up and just kinda saying, "I'm gonna go out with a little dignity and give my Idol to my alliance and then just go home." I really think that he felt that he was done.

Question: Well, the editing of the show certainly made it look as he had...
Tyson: Tricked me?
Question: Exactly. No?
Tyson: Well, that conversation actually went more like this. Me to Russell: We're gonna vote you 3-3 and you either have to vote Parvati out with your vote or play the Idol. And he said: I can't vote Parvati out. And we left there and I knew that they were going to vote for me and he knew that we were going to split the votes. So that's why he went up. I think he was going to play it for himself and then he was like, "Naaaah. I know I'm gonna go sooner or later now. Nobody likes me. Here you go Parvati. I want to be honorable and noble like Coach." The shock on their faces was too genuine. I knew that they had no clue. They were definitely more surprised than me, because I knew the moment the Idol came out of Russell's pocket and into Parvati's hands that I was done.

Question: How did that moment feel?
Tyson: It felt about the same as the last time as I got voted out. A lot of viewers at home don't know that you can tell when you're going home as the votes are being read. Last time, I knew the moment that my name was read twice. I was like, "They got me. I'm out." You have a moment to kinda reflect and pull yourself together. So this time, as soon as it was played, I was like, "I screwed myself and I also screwed my alliance." I mean, we had planned this plan and we had all promised it and it benefits everybody to go further in the game and so for me to do that was probably a pretty selfish move. Had it worked out, had I been there with Russell and him not being there with Parvati, he would have had to come to me and I would have another option in my cards. That would have been beautiful for me.

Question: Going back a bit, the episode was absolutely edited to make what happened last night look like a major triumph for Russell. It doesn't sound, though, like you viewed it that way? You think it was a desperate last move on his part?
Tyson: Yeah. That's what I think it was.

Question: From your point of view, Rob, Russell and Parvati, are they as smart as they all think they are?
Tyson: You know, I definitely don't think Russell is. I think he plays stupid and ended up lucking out. On top of that, Parvati and Russell have distanced themselves from the tribe so much... You can't do that in "Survivor" when there's nine people there. You can't push yourself away and say, "I'm only going to be with these two." They didn't try very hard to befriend other people or align with other people. You can do a half-assed attempt where you're like, "Uh, let's be allies" and then you both turn away and are like, "That was ridiculously stupid." That's what they were doing. They were just on the bottom of the totem pole and they were fine being there.

I'm a pay the editors to make me look good

I don't normally post stuff like that in these entries because it kind of clogs them up. But I did it in this case because I don't want to get a single email about how Russell had anything do with Tyson's decision to vote for Parvati. The editors only showed it that way because it fit the storyline better.

Russell's harem laughs out loud when they see that they actually survived. They know full well how lucky they were to have made it through that vote tonight.

So anyway, yeah. Russell wins the first showdown. And he knows it too. Although he has to be aware that he is probably on borrowed time now. I mean, he's still down five to three after the vote. He really didn't win much.

Still, we did get this great moment from this episode, which will become important later.

This is the first shot fired across the bow in the war of Sandra versus Russell.

"Russell, you need to get in the ocean and wash your ass."

"I can't stand you and I can't wait for you to go home. Adios."

And yes. I love the fact that she said that, yet she still included a smiley face.

Is not clean down there.

With Tyson out of the game, and Russell still inexplicably hanging around in the game, at this point now it is just open season on troll hunting. This is where everyone who isn't related to Russell or banging him in the shelter at night just sits around camp and talks about how much they hate him.

It starts, of course, with Courtney's famous confessional about how Russell is a little troll.

I already talked about this scene in an earlier entry.

"This just proves that Parvati will flirt with anything that walks."

Meanwhile, Russell and his harem celebrate their continued existence

How the hell did that even work?

Mostly they just stand around and giggle about what they pulled off last night

Or rather what Tyson pulled off

The three of them stand right outside the tent and make jokes and giggle. Meanwhile Rob is about ten feet away inside the tent, still trying to figure out how that plan didn't work last night. He sits there and wracks his brain, as he listens to Russell and Parvati make jokes about him. He can't believe what he is hearing.

"I don't understand how they can be so cocky right now. Makin' fun of people."

"How can they do that? There's three of them. There's five of us."

Nobody can figure out what Russell is exactly so cocky about.

"To me it's ridiculous that three people would have so much confidence."

But it's confidence they have.

Russell gains even more confidence when he goes to Jerri and he promises her an endgame deal

Which of course leads to yet another variant of the Russell Rant.

"Jerri has all kind of respect for me now."

"Now she has an alliance that she has to start a relationship with."

"Jerri hated Parvati. I brought them together."

Former enemies

"But I'm that good."

Where I can bring people together in this game for -my- good.

Of course this is a wonderful short term solution by Russell, but it doesn't always work in the long run. There's no way you can have a final two pact with three different people. No way. This is how people get ahead of themselves and wind up losing Survivor. The only way you can get away with betrayals like that in the end is if you are likable or charming, like Todd. Or Heidik. Or if you are a bullshitter, like Chris. No way is a player like Russell ever going to get away with that. This is the aspect of "a social game" that Russell doesn't really get.

So of course Russell goes and he does the exact same thing when he talks to Coach. Hey, might as well create another future pissed off juror. Why not?

"Blindside Rob and I'll take you to the final three."

Hmmm. What would Marcus Aurelius do?

Okay my fellow knight, I will join you. You shall have my steel besides you in battle, my lord.

Hey dumbass juror. Bliiiiiindside!

Wait. That comes later. Hang on.

So anyway, the Heroes win immunity in episode seven. The Villains are set to go to Tribal Council again.

This episode will forever be known as "Boston Rob's Last Stand."

Russell is extremely confident, of course, about his chances tonight.

I'm so awesome. I'm better than this water.

Russell is so confident, of course, that this is where we get the famous scene where he sits down and trashes Sandra and Courtney right in front of them.

Again, I already talked about this scene in another entry. It is one of my favorite scenes of the season.

"Hey Rob, why do you think Sandra and Courtney are so worthless?

Rob laughs at how Russell can be such a brazen asshole

"You two are absolute pieces of shit, but no hard feelings."

I'm gonna cut off your ding-a-ling, Russell.

And with that, Russell and his collection of final two deals go to Tribal Council and they take out Rob.

"If you're gunning for me, you're not gonna get what you want."

Oh wash your ass

*smuff*

Jerri immediately feels bad about it

So does Coach

Russell, of course, celebrates with Charles Manson eyes

So anyway, we are now at the low point of the season. Russell has somehow gained control of the tribe.

Despite all logic that he should even still be here, Russell Hantz has somehow made final two deals with every other player in his alliance, and is now in a prime position to run it all the way to the end. At this point he has a very real chance of winning Survivor: Heroes vs Villains. He has a very real chance of making the Baby Jesus cry.

I'm a have my face on Mount Rushmore

However, there is one variable in his path that he hasn't really counted on.

And luckily for us she is about to become the hero of the season...

Fuck smiling, I'm tired

That's right. With the fate of the season hanging in the balance, with the biggest d-bag in 20 seasons about to go on to win Survivor, with the very existence of God Himself in question with Russell now in control of the game, there is only one person we can call in to throw a wrench in his plans.

You guessed it, my friends. It is time to dial 9-1-1. It is time to call in the one... the only...

The Changa.

I swear I'm gonna screw you annnnnnd Burton

As the seventh episode of Heroes vs Villains comes to a close, Russell is about as high as he is ever going to get in the game of Survivor. He has just taken out Boston Rob. He gets to cuddle every night in the shelter with Parvati and Danielle's breasts. One of his closest allies is a guy who thinks he is a dragon slayer. He is finally the king of the world.

There literally could not be a time when Russell will ever be happier in Survivor than he is at this moment.

And of course that means it is time to gloat and to brag

Russell laughing over what he just did to Boston Rob

Even Parvati takes a moment to join in

And then? Yes, you guessed it. Variant #82 of the Russell confessional.

"You know what? I just won."

"Big time Boston Rob, the super All Star."

"He aint nothin' on me."

"I'm controlling this game. I'll take care of all of 'em, one at a time."

"This is Russell Hantz."

"If you aint with me, you against me."

But alas. Things are not all that rosy in his little Russell World.

Oh things might look nice and rosy on the surface. At the moment he might look as powerful and as dominant as any player in the history of the game. I mean, come on. J.T. just handed him a letter and a free immunity idol. How much more awesome and powerful can you get?

But alas.

Unfortunately for Russell, the problem is that people are already starting to get tired of what an enormous jagoff he is.

Starting with Coach

"Russell is a bully, no more no less. He's a bully."

"And I bet he's never even thrown a ball underhand at a tile before."

But of course the queen of bitching about Russell is the queen of bitching herself: Sandra.

It is at this point in the game that Sandra turns her venom against the Villains (well against Russell mostly) at full force.

There will not be one moment at any point in the game from here on out that she will actually say anything nice about the guy.

"The worst tribe ever put together is the Villains tribe."

"I should not even be here."

"I should be with the heroes."

"'Cause I can't stand Jerri."

"I hate Coach."

"I hate Danielle."

"I hate Russell even more."

"So any of those four."

"I'm not gonna pick one above the other cause I equally hate 'em all."

And really, this is where Sandra decides to just start fucking with them.

Yes, it is time to witness the inevitable Rise of Changa.

Sandra meets with her only friend left in the game, Beans. And they discuss how they are screwed now by being outnumbered 5-2.

And really more out of spite than anything, Sandra comes up with a revenge plan.

Coach

"Russell's the kind of person where if he finds out that somebody's gunning for him, he'll take them out."

So anyway, yeah. Sandra is about to cost Russell a very valuable ally. Not to mention create a very angry juror against him.

This is the kind of stuff that Sandra excels at.

"I bet you Russell will believe me and will get rid of Coach."

"I'm gonna work my magic and we're both gonna be here tomorrow."

Sorry Russell. You are about to get Changa'd.

The funniest thing about this plan is how simple it turns out to be. Honestly Sandra and Courtney don't really even have to do all that much. All it takes is a little acting, a little misdirection, and then Sandra just sits back and lets Russell's paranoia take over. All it takes is about ten minutes, and he starts imploding his own alliance.

Courtney comes over to talk to Coach, in full view of Russell

Of course Russell notices

Courtney sits there and has a chat with Coach on the beach. And Sandra casually saunters over to Russell and they have a little talk about it.

Watch how easy this is.

This is why Russell loses, by the way.

This is how easy it is to get Russell Hantz to beat himself.

Russell: "She was over there talking to Coach."

"It doesn't matter what she says to him. I will tell them, this is how we're voting."

"And that's how it's gonna be. It's that simple."

Sandra: "But at the same time, I heard Coach was saying that he made a mistake and he wishes he could go back."

Russell: "What mistake?"

Sandra: "Lettin' Rob go home. That he should have never made the choice that he made and he's sorry."

Sandra: "That's what he told her. And that he wanted to get rid of you."

"Oh really."

Sandra: "So I don't know about your homeboy."

Russell: "Oh he aint my homeboy."

And really, that's all it takes. Almost without prompting. Russell launches into a 5 minute shakwila about why he can't trust Coach.

"He's diggin' his own grave just like Rob did."

And just like that, he's been Changa'd.

Biiiiiiiiiiiiotch!

I love this next confessional, by the way. Remember this one, it is important.

"I told Russell that Coach was talking about voting for him."

"And Russell's so stupid, he ate that crap up, I'm tellin' you."

"He's like oh my God, I can't trust him. The sooner he goes, the better."

"So, Russell? He don't know how to play this game."

'Yeah he's done good so far, but with me?"

"He don't know what he got himself into."

Like a lamb to the slaughter

Russell of course goes to Parvati and he brags about his plan to blindside Coach. He is very proud of himself.

It doesn't even cross his mind that he is about to create an anti-Russell juror.

"Coach is gonna flip. He's gonna stab me in the back."

"Who does he think he is?"

"The beautiful thing is... I'll be the only guy left."

"It's perfect."

They sit there and share a laugh about how perfect it is

"Coach, Sandra says he wants me gone now."

"But I have the power in this game. I send home who I want to send home."

Danielle hears about this latest plan and, ever the voice of reason, she tries to head it off. This will be a recurring theme over the next six episodes, by the way . Um, can we stop the suicidal shit that Russell is about to do? Please?